Roz G, Santiago, Mooney, Anderson

  • Season 7, Ep 706
  • 12/19/2003

Roz G plays games with men, Bill Santiago is a proud member of the biggest minority, John Mooney joins a gym, and K.P. Anderson draws on his daughter.

GOT TO FLY HERE.

MAN, I DON'T, OOH-- I DON'T LIKE

FLYING EVER SINCE THAT 9-11.

EVERY TIME SOMEBODY GET UP

AND GO TO THE BATHROOM I GET IN

RIGHT WITH THEM, "WHERE ARE YOU

GOING?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, MAN.

WE'RE ALL FAMILY.

STRIKE A MATCH, WE'LL BE COOL."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WE SCARED 'CAUSE NOW WE

WANT TO GIVE AIRPLANE PILOTS

GUNS.

AS DRUNK AS THESE SONS OF

BITCHES ARE, AIN'T THAT

[LAUGHTER]

"I WANT Y'ALL TO SIT DOWN AND

SHUT UP!

WE'RE TRYING TO FLY."

I LOVE NEW YORK, MAN.

Y'ALL GOT DIFFERENT KIND OF

PORNO IN YOUR ROOM, MAN.

I KNOW.

I CHECK THEM OUT.

I GO TO DIFFERENT REGIONS

LOOKING AT THE PORNO.

Y'ALL GOT SOME STUFF HERE, BOY.

I LIKE PORNO.

I LIKE CALLING 976 NUMBERS,

BUT THEY EXPENSIVE.

I CALLED ONE OF THEM NUMBERS,

RAN OUT OF MONEY.

HAD TO CALL A REGULAR OPERATOR.

"IS THIS AN EMERGENCY?"

"YEAH, GIRL, WHAT YOU WEARING?"

[LAUGHTER]

LARGE AND IN CHARGE?

LET ME HEAR YOU PUT YOUR HANDS

TOGETHER.

ALRIGHT, NOW.

LADIES, WE BE SAYING THAT MEN

PLAY GAMES.

LADIES, WE ARE THE BIGGEST GAME

PLAYERS THAT THERE EVER WAS.

WE ARE.

LADIES, WE SO SMOOTH WITH OUR

STUFF, WE COULD TALK TO A MAN

RIGHT ON THE PHONE IN FRONT OF

OUR MAN AND HIS DUMB ASS DON'T

EVEN KNOW IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE BE SITTING RIGHT THERE.

WE BE LIKE, "AH-HUH.

UH-UH.

AH-HUH.

UH-UH."

AND THE BROTHER ON THE LINE,

HE'D BE LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TALK?"

WE'D BE LIKE, "TRUE, TRUE, TRUE.

BUT I'M GOING TO THE MALL WITH

KEISHA HALABACK."

MEN CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'D BE SITTING THERE WITH

YOUR MAN AND A WOMAN CALLS.

HE CAN'T EVEN GET A SENTENCE

TOGETHER.

HE STARTS STUTTERING AND STUFF.

HE'D BE LIKE, "HA-HA-HA-HA!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S LIKE WHAT I'M SAYING.

LIKE SEE WHAT I'M SAYING, LIKE."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, SEE WHAT I'M

SAYING.

HANG UP THE PHONE, PLAYER."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ONE THING I DON'T DO--

I'M A VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN,

A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN--

I DON'T DATE NO FAT MEN.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU FAT, PLEASE STAY OUT OF

MY FACE.

WHAT TWO FAT PEOPLE GOING TO DO?

HAVE A WORLD WRESTLING

FEDERATION MATCH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT WE GONNA DO?

I LIKE SKINNY MEN.

SKINNY MEN THAT SMOKE WEED...

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN THEY GET THE MUNCHIES

WE ON THE SAME PAGE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET A NICKEL BAG AND I GET

A FIVE PIECE.

THAT'S LIKE BEING IN HEAVEN.

AND I'M 40 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE

AN ATTRACTION TO YOUNG MEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

THE OLDER I GET MY CHOICES GET

YOUNGER.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN MEN

CALL ME ASKING ME STUPID

QUESTIONS.

YOUNG BOY GOING TO CALL ME LAST

WEEK TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU GOT

ON.

I SAID, "A BIG-ASS T-SHIRT

WITH KETCHUP AND MUSTARD STAINS.

YOU STILL COMING OVER, PLAYER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I BE TELLING THESE

YOUNG GUYS, THIS YOUNG GUY GOING

TO SAY TO ME, "YOU KNOW, ROZ,

YOU'RE A NICE LOOKING GIRL.

YOU JUST MIGHT NEED TO WORK

OUT."

I SAID, "LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, FAHEEM.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WORKOUT.

I EAT OUT AND I TAKE OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT...

GET OUT.

AND WHERE ARE MY WORKING PEOPLE

AT?

HARD WORKING PEOPLE GET UP

EVERYDAY AND GO TO WORK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO HAVE A JOB.

I USED TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK.

I JUST DON'T LIKE SUPERVISORS.

SUPERVISORS ALWAYS ASKING YOU

STUPID QUESTIONS.

SUPERVISOR TALKING ABOUT

"WHY YOU ALWAYS LATE FOR WORK?"

"I'M LATE 'CAUSE IT MAKE THE DAY

GO FASTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE LATER I GET HERE,

THE QUICKER THIS END."

I HAD A JOB ONE TIME,

I HEARD I WAS GETTING FIRED.

NOW, HOW YOU GOING HEAR YOU

GETTING FIRED AND SIT THERE

ALL DAY AND WORK AND WAIT FOR

SOMEBODY TO LET YOU GO?

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE RUMOR GOT OUT,

"YOU GETTING FIRED TODAY

AT A QUARTER TO FIVE."

I SAID, "OH, REALLY?"

AROUND 12:15, MY ASTHMA

START ACTING UP REAL BAD.

STARTED HAVING HEART

PALPITATIONS.

GOT UP AND WENT INTO THE

MAIN LOBBY AND PASSED OUT.

THEY HAD TO CALL 911.

I WENT OUT ON SHORT-TERM

DISABILITY FOR SIXTEEN WEEKS.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

...NUEVO YORK...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

...COMEDY CENTRAL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW I FLUSH OUT

MY PEOPLE.

A LOT OF LATINOS OUT THERE

THESE DAYS, 'CAUSE WE ARE NOW

THE BIGGEST MINORITY IN THE

COUNTRY.

BIGGEST MINORITY!

OF ALL THE PEOPLE THERE ARE

LEAST OF, WE ARE THE BIGGEST

OF THAT GROUP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

EVERYBODY'S SPEAKING SPANISH

NOW.

GEORGE BUSH SPEAKS SPANISH,

A LITTLE BETTER THAN HE SPEAKS

ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE SPEAKS IT.

THAT'S WHY THEY LOVE HIM IN

MIAMI 'CAUSE HE SPEAKS SPANISH

AND 'CAUSE HE HATES CASTRO.

WON'T EVEN REFER TO CASTRO

AS PRESIDENT.

IT'S ALWAYS MR. CASTRO.

AND CASTRO REFERS TO BUSH AS

EL BANDEJO JR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.

I DON'T GO THAT FAR.

I JUST CALL HIM NUMBER 43.

HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN KEEPING

COUNT?

ANYONE?

SO FAR WE'VE HAD 43 WHITE MALE

PRESIDENTS IN A ROW.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A HELL OF A LUCKY STREAK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY PULLED

THAT ONE OFF.

AND YOU EVER MENTION,

"OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SOMEDAY THERE'S GOING TO BE

A BLACK PRESIDENT.

SOMEDAY, THERE'S GONNA BE

A BLACK GUY IN THE WHITE HOUSE,"

LIKE THAT'S GOING TO EVEN

EVERYTHING OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

I GET STUCK ON THAT NUMBER, 43.

43!

I THINK, IF YOU'RE ASKING

HOW FAR AWAY THIS COUNTRY IS

FROM TRUE SOCIAL EQUALITY,

I'D HAVE TO SAY WE'RE AT LEAST

ROUGHLY 43 BLACK PRESIDENTS

IN A ROW AWAY FROM THAT POINT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

NO, NO.

AND I'M NOT...

AND I'M NOT SAYING IT COULD

NEVER HAPPEN.

I'M NOT BEING PESSIMISTIC.

I'M SAYING THE SUN'S GOING

TO BURN OUT...

[LAUGHTER]

IN ABOUT SIX BILLION YEARS.

THAT MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH TIME

FOR THE LAW OF PROBABILITY TO

CATCH UP AND SPIT OUT 43 BLACK

PRESIDENTS IN A--

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE

HOW DIFFICULT THAT--

YOU COULD GET ALL THE WAY

TO 41...

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE GUY GETS IN, YOU'VE GOT TO

START ALL OVER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE.

I SAW THIS TODAY IN THE WINDOW

AT VICTORIA'S SECRET,

A CAMOUFLAGE THONG.

[LAUGHTER]

ON WHAT BATTLEFIELD...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU FINDING IT NECESSARY

TO DISGUISE YOURSELF AS

SHRUBBERY WITH A GREAT ASS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

HOW EFFECTIVE IS THAT IN ACTUAL

COMBAT?

"OH, MY GOD, THIS SCENERY IS

INCREDIBLY AROUSING, BUT NO SIGN

OF THE ENEMY.

LET'S MOVE OUT!"

PLAYER.

SO...

[LAUGHTER]

AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL FROM MY

FUNKY FRESH WALK OUT HERE,

I AM A NATIVE NEW YORKER.

♪ HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOVE NEW YORK VERY MUCH.

LIVED HERE MY ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT, LIKE MOST NEW YORKERS,

I LIVE IN A CRAPPY APARTMENT.

YEAH.

I, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DO NOT

HAVE A DOOR TO MY ROOM.

I HAVE A CURTAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

VERY FRUSTRATING FOR ME

WHEN I GET INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH MY ROOMMATE, BECAUSE

I CAN'T HAVE ANY DRAMATIC

FIGHT SOUNDS, YOU KNOW.

IT WOULD BE LIKE, "LOOK, I'M NOT

GOING TO PAY THE RENT THIS MONTH

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T PAY IT LAST

MONTH.

I'M NOT GOING TO PAY THE CABLE

BILL EITHER, AND YOU CAN FORGET

ABOUT THE TELEPHONE BILL AND--

WHAT?

WHAT?!

I CAN JUST GO TO HELL, DUDE!

SHUSH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

NOTICING.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE BODY

IN SHAPE FOR THE LADIES OR, AS

WE SAY IN THE HOOD, COCK DIESEL.

SO, AH...

[LAUGHTER]

I JOINED A GYM RECENTLY AND

I ENJOY GOING TO MY GYM,

BUT I FEEL REALLY OUT OF PLACE

IN MY GYM 'CAUSE MY GYM

IS FULL OF LIKE THESE HARDCORE

MUSCLE HEADS, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW THESE GUIDOS THAT

DO NOTHING BUT WORKOUT 24/7,

YOU KNOW.

SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW.

YOU WALK IN THEY'VE GOT THE HAIR

LIKE BA BA BA BA BA

BA BA BA BA BA BA BA.

YOU KNOW?

FUZZY DICE HANGING OFF

THE WEIGHT BELT AND

THEY'RE ALWAYS JUST KIND OF LIKE

CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT AND

STUFF, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I WAS THERE TODAY

AND I'M WALKING AROUND THE GYM,

AND I MADE THE GRUESOME MISTAKE

OF TRYING TO GET INVOLVED

IN A GYM CONVERSATION,

WHICH I HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING,

YOU KNOW.

THESE TWO BRUISERS

ARE LIKE TALKING BACK AND FORTH

TO ONE ANOTHER.

THE FIRST GUY'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT YOU GOING

TO FREAKING WORK ON TODAY, BRO?"

AND THE OTHER GUY'S LIKE, "BACK

AND BI'S, BRO, BACK AND BI'S.

YOU GOING TO END UP LIKE

50 CENT STYLE, SON.

YOU GOTTA DO DO DO DO DO DO IF

YOU WANT TO DO TO THE BOO BOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT YOU GOING TO BE

FREAKING WORKING ON TODAY, BRO?"

AND THE OTHER GUY'S LIKE,

"[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

FREAKING [BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

FREAKING CHEST AND TRI'S, BRO.

CHEST AND TRI', 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA

DO [CELL PHONE BEEPS]

I'LL CALL HIM LATER.

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA DO TO THE DO DO

DO DO DO DO DO DO DO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I'M STANDING THERE

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN

ONE OF THE GUYS JUST GOES,

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE

FREAKING WORKING ON TODAY,

LITTLE MAN?"

AND I'M LIKE, "MY SELF-ESTEEM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THEY COME TO ME.

I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO OBLIGE.

GUYS WILL ASK ME FOR ADVICE

ALL THE TIME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, JOHN,

IS THERE A WAY TO GET A GIRL

FROM THE LIVING ROOM

INTO THE BEDROOM, SORT OF LIKE

CLOSE THE DEAL?"

AND TO THAT I JUST HAVE TO SAY,

"FELLAS, FELLAS, FELLAS.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE

THAT HAPPEN IS GIVE A GIRL

A DOSE OF WHAT I LIKE TO CALL

THE OLD MOONEY CHARM, OR,

AS THE COURTS LIKE TO CALL IT,

CHLOROFORM."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?

OH, MY GOD.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR

CLOWN MASK?

SHHH!

SHHH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO".

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY REAL

PROBLEM IS THOUGH, IS THAT

I'M THE NICE GUY THAT'S FRIENDS

WITH ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS.

SO I NEVER HAVE SEX.

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

NO REALLY, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE BEING

THIS KIND OF GUY BECAUSE

I ALWAYS GET THE SAME LINES

THROWN AT ME.

IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING,

YOU KNOW.

WOMEN ALWAYS TELL ME THE SAME

THING.

"YOU KNOW, JOHN, YOU'RE SO

WONDERFUL, I FEEL I CAN TELL YOU

ANYTHING, LIKE MY HOPES AND

MY FEARS, AND WHAT SCARES ME

AND WHAT'S INSIDE HERE AND

WHAT'S INSIDE HERE, TOO.

YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY.

I WISH I COULD DATE SOMEBODY

LIKE YOU, BUT NOT YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"SHH.

SHH.

SHH."

"I'LL NEVER TELL."

"SHH."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MOST OF THE TIME I'M

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

HAPPY TO BE OUT.

I'M MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR

TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I SUCK AT IT.

I'M HORRIBLE.

I JUST DON'T DO HUSBAND THINGS

WELL.

I NEVER HAD ROOMMATES BEFORE

THIS WOMAN, EXCEPT FOR LIKE

COLLEGE ROOMMATES, YOU KNOW.

SO SHE COMES TO ME WITH THINGS

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HONEY, CAN YOU

FIX THIS?"

I CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOUR WHOLE LIFE CHANGES AFTER

YOU GET MARRIED, MAN.

EVERYTHING'S JUST...

CAN'T BRAG ABOUT SEX ANYMORE.

CAN'T CALL A BUDDY ON THE PHONE

ON A SATURDAY MORNING AND GO,

"DUDE, I NAILED LESLEY LAST

NIGHT."

"IT'S YOUR WIFE, MAN.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH

YOU?"

ACTUALLY, WE HAD A DAUGHTER.

WE HAD A DAUGHTER NOT THAT LONG

AGO.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE BABY DAUGHTER

NAMED SOPHIA.

SHE'S GREAT.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.

YEAH, SHE'S FANTASTIC.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR MATURE ENOUGH

TO BE PARENTS.

I'M POSITIVE OF THAT.

AFTER HER FIRST FEEDING SHE

PASSED OUT, SO WE WROTE ON HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DRAW A BEARD, HA-HA-HA."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW.

THE OTHER THING ABOUT BEING

A PARENT TODAY IS JUST LIKE,

LIKE I THINK I'LL BE AN OKAY

FATHER, BUT I'VE GOT TO BE

HONEST, I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH

A LOT OF OTHER PARENTS.

LIKE SOCCER MOMS MAKE MY BLOOD

BOIL.

I CAN'T, OH.

THEY'RE SO PROUD OF THEMSELVES

AND THEIR LITTLE SPAWN, AREN'T

THEY?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE THEM OUT ON THAT FIELD

EVERY SATURDAY, HOPPING UP AND

DOWN, WHACKED OUT ON CARAMEL

MACHIATTOS FROM STARBUCKS,

CHEERING ON THEIR LITTLE

JARED'S, AND TREVOR'S,

AND DYLAN'S, AND COOPER'S.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"OH, LOOK AT MY LITTLE COOPER

KICKING THE BALL.

KICK THE BALL, COOPER, KICK IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SCORE A GOAL.

YOU'RE A WINNER ANYWAYS 'CAUSE

YOU CAME OUT OF MY CROTCH.

KICK THE BALL, COOPER, KICK IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAKES ME NUTS, MAN.

IT REALLY DOES.

WE JUST CODDLE KIDS TOO MUCH

ANYMORE.

EVERY TIME I SEE A KID SCREW UP

AND DO SOMETHING WRONG, LIKE

SHOOT UP THE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING

SILLY LIKE THAT, THERE'S ALWAYS

SOME GUY IN A SWEATER ON CNN

GOING, "OH, HE NEEDED A HUG.

HE NEEDED LOVE.

HE NEEDED SOME KISSES."

HE NEEDED A (BLEEP) LAWN TO MOW

IS WHAT HE NEEDED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY GIVE KIDS, LIKE ANY KID

THAT HAS ANY PROBLEM THEY'LL

JUST SHOVE PILLS DOWN THEIR

MOUTH.

LIKE EVERY KID 17 YEARS OLD,

"OH, WE'VE GOT HIM ON PROZAC."

WHAT DOES A 17 YEAR OLD NEED

PROZAC FOR TO GET THROUGH

THE...?

WHEN I WAS 17, MY DAD'S VERSION

OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS WOULD BE

TO LIKE HOLD MY HEAD UNDER WATER

UNTIL I GOT A LITTLE MORE

EXCITED ABOUT LIVING, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LOOK AT THAT.

HE'S KICKING.

HE MUST BE DEALING WITH HIS

ISSUES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS MOMENT,

SON.

PAINT THE GARAGE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE JUST NEED TO RELAX A LITTLE

BIT, MAN.

ANYTHING CAN BE COMIC AND

ANYTHING CAN BE TRAGIC.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY IN THIS

ROOM THINK IT'S FUNNY WHEN

A CHILD IS DECAPITATED BY AN

AIRBAG, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE

A LITTLE BIT FUNNY IF, FOR 15

MINUTES BEFORE THAT, THE KID WAS

GOING, "MOMMY, I WANT A BALLOON.

GIVE ME A BALLOON, MOMMY.

I WANT A BALLOON."

YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUGH,

YOU KIND OF HAVE TO.

THANKS A LOT.

GOODNIGHT.

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