Roz G, Santiago, Mooney, Anderson

  • Season 7, Ep 706
  • 12/19/2003

DL Hughley introduces sets from Roz G, Bill Santiago, John Mooney and KP Anderson.

GOT TO FLY HERE.

MAN, I DON'T, OOH-- I DON'T LIKE

FLYING EVER SINCE THAT 9-11.

EVERY TIME SOMEBODY GET UP

AND GO TO THE BATHROOM I GET IN

RIGHT WITH THEM, "WHERE ARE YOU

GOING?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, MAN.

WE'RE ALL FAMILY.

STRIKE A MATCH, WE'LL BE COOL."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WE SCARED 'CAUSE NOW WE

WANT TO GIVE AIRPLANE PILOTS

GUNS.

AS DRUNK AS THESE SONS OF

BITCHES ARE, AIN'T THAT

[LAUGHTER]

"I WANT Y'ALL TO SIT DOWN AND

SHUT UP!

WE'RE TRYING TO FLY."

I LOVE NEW YORK, MAN.

Y'ALL GOT DIFFERENT KIND OF

PORNO IN YOUR ROOM, MAN.

I KNOW.

I CHECK THEM OUT.

I GO TO DIFFERENT REGIONS

LOOKING AT THE PORNO.

Y'ALL GOT SOME STUFF HERE, BOY.

I LIKE PORNO.

I LIKE CALLING 976 NUMBERS,

BUT THEY EXPENSIVE.

I CALLED ONE OF THEM NUMBERS,

RAN OUT OF MONEY.

HAD TO CALL A REGULAR OPERATOR.

"IS THIS AN EMERGENCY?"

"YEAH, GIRL, WHAT YOU WEARING?"

[LAUGHTER]

LARGE AND IN CHARGE?

LET ME HEAR YOU PUT YOUR HANDS

TOGETHER.

ALRIGHT, NOW.

LADIES, WE BE SAYING THAT MEN

PLAY GAMES.

LADIES, WE ARE THE BIGGEST GAME

PLAYERS THAT THERE EVER WAS.

WE ARE.

LADIES, WE SO SMOOTH WITH OUR

STUFF, WE COULD TALK TO A MAN

RIGHT ON THE PHONE IN FRONT OF

OUR MAN AND HIS DUMB ASS DON'T

EVEN KNOW IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE BE SITTING RIGHT THERE.

WE BE LIKE, "AH-HUH.

UH-UH.

AH-HUH.

UH-UH."

AND THE BROTHER ON THE LINE,

HE'D BE LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TALK?"

WE'D BE LIKE, "TRUE, TRUE, TRUE.

BUT I'M GOING TO THE MALL WITH

KEISHA HALABACK."

MEN CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'D BE SITTING THERE WITH

YOUR MAN AND A WOMAN CALLS.

HE CAN'T EVEN GET A SENTENCE

TOGETHER.

HE STARTS STUTTERING AND STUFF.

HE'D BE LIKE, "HA-HA-HA-HA!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S LIKE WHAT I'M SAYING.

LIKE SEE WHAT I'M SAYING, LIKE."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, SEE WHAT I'M

SAYING.

HANG UP THE PHONE, PLAYER."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ONE THING I DON'T DO--

I'M A VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN,

A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN--

I DON'T DATE NO FAT MEN.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU FAT, PLEASE STAY OUT OF

MY FACE.

WHAT TWO FAT PEOPLE GOING TO DO?

HAVE A WORLD WRESTLING

FEDERATION MATCH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT WE GONNA DO?

I LIKE SKINNY MEN.

SKINNY MEN THAT SMOKE WEED...

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN THEY GET THE MUNCHIES

WE ON THE SAME PAGE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET A NICKEL BAG AND I GET

A FIVE PIECE.

THAT'S LIKE BEING IN HEAVEN.

AND I'M 40 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE

AN ATTRACTION TO YOUNG MEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

THE OLDER I GET MY CHOICES GET

YOUNGER.

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN MEN

CALL ME ASKING ME STUPID

QUESTIONS.

YOUNG BOY GOING TO CALL ME LAST

WEEK TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU GOT

ON.

I SAID, "A BIG-ASS T-SHIRT

WITH KETCHUP AND MUSTARD STAINS.

YOU STILL COMING OVER, PLAYER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I BE TELLING THESE

YOUNG GUYS, THIS YOUNG GUY GOING

TO SAY TO ME, "YOU KNOW, ROZ,

YOU'RE A NICE LOOKING GIRL.

YOU JUST MIGHT NEED TO WORK

OUT."

I SAID, "LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, FAHEEM.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WORKOUT.

I EAT OUT AND I TAKE OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT...

GET OUT.

AND WHERE ARE MY WORKING PEOPLE

AT?

HARD WORKING PEOPLE GET UP

EVERYDAY AND GO TO WORK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO HAVE A JOB.

I USED TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK.

I JUST DON'T LIKE SUPERVISORS.

SUPERVISORS ALWAYS ASKING YOU

STUPID QUESTIONS.

SUPERVISOR TALKING ABOUT

"WHY YOU ALWAYS LATE FOR WORK?"

"I'M LATE 'CAUSE IT MAKE THE DAY

GO FASTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE LATER I GET HERE,

THE QUICKER THIS END."

I HAD A JOB ONE TIME,

I HEARD I WAS GETTING FIRED.

NOW, HOW YOU GOING HEAR YOU

GETTING FIRED AND SIT THERE

ALL DAY AND WORK AND WAIT FOR

SOMEBODY TO LET YOU GO?

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE RUMOR GOT OUT,

"YOU GETTING FIRED TODAY

AT A QUARTER TO FIVE."

I SAID, "OH, REALLY?"

AROUND 12:15, MY ASTHMA

START ACTING UP REAL BAD.

STARTED HAVING HEART

PALPITATIONS.

GOT UP AND WENT INTO THE

MAIN LOBBY AND PASSED OUT.

THEY HAD TO CALL 911.

I WENT OUT ON SHORT-TERM

DISABILITY FOR SIXTEEN WEEKS.

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