Grace Helbig, Hari Kondabolu and Matt Braunger dispel myths about comedians, #AddSportsRuinAShow and supplement the messages on vintage motivational posters.
Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.
(cheers and applause)
And now here's a list
of the most trendingest topicson the Web today.
First thing we're gonna talkabout is NYPD news.
Winter storm Jonasburied New York City
under almost three feet of snow
on top of the regular two feetof garbage and pizza rats.
In response, the NYPD institutedsome casual authoritarianism
called a "travel ban."
"After 2:30 p.m., and you're onthe road, we will arrest you."
And then then take you downtown
for a nice cup of cocoaand a tasing.
Uh, that's howthey keep it warm.
Comedians,what are some other things
NYPD might arrest you forduring this winter crackdown?
If your skin is darker thanthe snow, we will arrest you.
(applause and cheering)
If you add snow boners to anysnowman, we will arrest you.
I disagree with thatas a concept,
but I will give you points.
If you do not delightin our crude
and unsolicited cat calls,we will arrest you.
HARDWICK:All right, points, points.
On to our next topic:Bark at the Moon.
Plastic guitar champion
Guitar Hero Failure on YouTubeuploaded a video of himself
getting a 100% score
playing Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark atthe Moon" on Guitar Hero.
Now YouTube,being the fun fascists they are,
took the video down dueto copyright claim for the song,
but it was repostedafter the user found
a very creative way around that.What did he do?
Did he post the videowith his dog barking the notes,
or beatbox the entire songhimself? Hari.
Oh, it's definitelypost the video
with his dog barking the notes.
-This guy has a lot of time.-He does.
And I'm gonna...I'm gonna tell you
-that is not the right answer.-Ah.
HARDWICK: I know. It's not theright answer, but I don't think
you're emotionally preparedfor how amazing
the other answer actually is.Take a look.
(man beatboxing song)
-(applause and cheering)-I mean, that's actually
very hard to do, and...
for those who stuck it outthrough the whole thing,
he had a very special messageat the end.
-Thanks to all my 24subscribers. -(laughter)
-HELBIG: So humble. -BRAUNGER:So pass... His tone is
-so passive-aggressive.To his 24... -HARDWICK: Thanks.
And 24 subscribers.
-(laughter) -HARDWICK:Onto our next topic.
Photo bombs-- creepy or cute?
None of us are safefrom a good photo bomb.
Redditor Bippity BoppityButt Sex.
HELBIG:Is that real?
That's some friendly analright there.
Want it to be friendly.
-No.-(applause and cheering)
-I mean, to me...-BRAUNGER: Hey.
...it sounds likeyou're about to get butt(bleep)
by Paul McCartney,where you're like...
(with British accent): "Oh,I was just going to stick it
"in the frontery,then, I'm gonna bippity-bop
around to the...butt sex part."
I... I went, uh,David Lee Roth in my mind.
-♪ Bippity boppity butt sex! -♪ Bippity boppity
♪ Zippity bobbityboobity butt sex ♪
♪ Boobity bibbity bop... bow
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ A-ha, ah!
Those are all sounds bothgiving and getting butt sex.
I wouldn't know, Matt.
You got to live, Chris.
Bippity Boppity Butt Sexturned us on to a selfie
that was trendingon reddit today,
but not for the reasonthat you think.
Uh, so comedians, there's areally great photobomb in here,
but will it be creepy or cute?
-You think so? -I'm...Uh, well, that's my hope.
let's find out.
-♪ -KONDABOLU: Oh.-BRAUNGER: Oh, my God.
No-no trigger warning at all?
She's duck-lipping so hardhe thinks it's a duck.
Like, he's just gonna...
It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.
As I mentioned at the topof the show, the nerd community
was dealt a powerful spiritualwedgie last night,
when the return of The X-Files was delayed 'cause of football.
Yeah, Chris Hardwick, we get it,you don't like (bleep) football,
shut the (bleep) up.Hey, it's nothing in comparison
to how much I have to hear aboutsports in our culture.
-(whooping) -That is whytonight's ha... Don't.
That is why tonight's hashtagis #AddSportsRuinAShow.
So you might takethe show like Empire.
We could make it Umpire. That'sa sports way to the show.
Or other examples mightinclude...
Okay, it's not the best example.
It's just an example.
Other ones might include Once Upon a Timeout
or It's Never Playoffs in Philadelphia.
Those are fun. I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock, and begin.
-Hari. -Mad About Using Steroids.
-Third Gronk from the Sun. -Points.
-Frazier, Joe. -Points.
The O.J. Simpsons.
Good Game of Thrones.
Wilt Chamberlain's Big Gang Bang Theory.
Oh. That's a good one.
-That's a good one.-(exclaims)
Bazinga has a whole differentmeaning in that one.
Here Comes Honey Boo!
Murder, She Intentionally Fouled.
Real Housewives of the 33rd Annual Olympic Games.
All right, points.
It's timeto play Poster Children.
If you can remember the '70s,you weren't there, man.
Or you were probablynot even born.
Uh, I-I wasn't.I was born in, like, '80...
Um, either way, that decadewas jammed
with primitive inspirationalposters that adorned the walls
of junior high guidance offices.
We found an archive of thesewonderful, inspirational
roll-ups on westword.com.
So comedians, someof the messages on the posters
seem like unfinished thoughts.
So for 250 points, just tell usthe rest of the phrase.
First up,"Know and accept yourself."
"Know and accept yourself."Matt.
Your mom was a horseand your dad was a cowboy
and that makes youa beautiful centaur.
-You can't see. -Oh, yeah, youcan't see from the waste down.
You can't seefrom the waist down.
Yeah, it's all...it's all horse down here.
-Just all horse.-See?
Uh, you will neverget off this farm.
What happened between and youFarmer Bill is in the past.
All right, next,"Tell it truthfully."
"Tell it truthfully."
Your dick is a fish.
Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup.
You drowned that blind kid,didn't you?
Next one."I'm okay and you're okay."
"I'm okay and you're okay."Grace.
It's normal for threeout of four teens
to (bleep) their pantsplaying basketball.
Points.Wait a minute.
To be fair...
To be fair, this one looks like
he's really trying not to.
"I'm not gonna be the fourth."
And she is freakingthe (bleep) out about it.
Yeah, she's like... -What'sgoing on?
You-you know why--
he's... he wiped someon the ball. Look.
Like, dude, stop.
I don't want to play four squareanymore with you.
Next, "Things we learncan help us now."
"Things we learn can..." Hey,look, they're reading a magazine
called Fun. Look at how much funthey're having, Hari.
Perhaps there isinformation in here
that will get us out of thisstranger's basement.
Dock worker Jim says thismagazine Fun is the filthiest
porno mag you canget your hands on.
I mean, it's practicallyillegal, dude.
"Every memberof a group is important."
"Every member of a groupis important." Matt Braunger.
Even Rusty, who's too stonedto get off the bench.
How come only the white kidsget to play?
Oh... Oh, you know why?
Uh, this is the, uh, Oscar'sleague, uh, softball team.
Get 'em.Get 'em.
Before the break,
I showed you
some white and white picturesof sorority sisters
defying stereotypes, andI asked you to write an entry
about comedian stereotypes.Let's see what you made.
First one, Grace Helbig,let's start with you.
Society says we're allnarcissists with social anxiety.
But, like, who said that?
And if you know,please text it to me.
Don't call. Don't call.
Oh, you're in theEight Equals Equals D sorority.
Yeah. We love math.
-Lambda Lambda Lambda.-Nice.
Revenge of the Nerds.
Tri-Lambs in the house.
As we go to our next game,Opposite Cray.
Today totally isn't Opposite Day,
which is why we won't playa game about things
that celebrities wouldn't doon Opposite Day.
Or isn't it?!
No, it is.
Just so there's no confusion,we are actually going to be
playing a game about the thingsthat celebrities would do
on Opposite Day.Let's get started.
First, what do you think TomCruise would do on Opposite Day?
-Braunger.-Be totally relatable.
All right, points.
Next up, Donald Trump.
-Hari.-Marry a gay Mexican Muslim.
Next up, Beyoncé.
-Grace.-Take a (bleep).
Makes a song and goes,"Eh, not my best."
All right, points.
I don't know."
And finally,Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Admit that Pluto is a planet.
-All right. Points.-Oh...
-Oh, yeah, take that!-Yeah, yeah.
Oh! You just crossed the line,mister!
You just crossedthe Kuiper belt.
Yeah, I know some (bleep)!
I'm not entirely stupid!