Monday, January 25, 2016

  • 01/25/2016

Grace Helbig, Hari Kondabolu and Matt Braunger dispel myths about comedians, #AddSportsRuinAShow and supplement the messages on vintage motivational posters.

Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(cheers and applause)

And now here's a list

of the most trendingest topicson the Web today.

First thing we're gonna talkabout is NYPD news.

@NYPDNews.

Winter storm Jonasburied New York City

under almost three feet of snow

on top of the regular two feetof garbage and pizza rats.

In response, the NYPD institutedsome casual authoritarianism

called a "travel ban."

"After 2:30 p.m., and you're onthe road, we will arrest you."

And then then take you downtown

for a nice cup of cocoaand a tasing.

Uh, that's howthey keep it warm.

Comedians,what are some other things

NYPD might arrest you forduring this winter crackdown?

Hari.

If your skin is darker thanthe snow, we will arrest you.

(laughing)

(applause and cheering)

-Oh.-Funny.

Matt Braunger.

If you add snow boners to anysnowman, we will arrest you.

HARDWICK:All right.

I disagree with thatas a concept,

but I will give you points.

Grace Helbig.

If you do not delightin our crude

and unsolicited cat calls,we will arrest you.

HARDWICK:All right, points, points.

(applause)

On to our next topic:Bark at the Moon.

Plastic guitar champion

Guitar Hero Failure on YouTubeuploaded a video of himself

getting a 100% score

playing Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark atthe Moon" on Guitar Hero.

Now YouTube,being the fun fascists they are,

took the video down dueto copyright claim for the song,

but it was repostedafter the user found

a very creative way around that.What did he do?

Did he post the videowith his dog barking the notes,

or beatbox the entire songhimself? Hari.

Oh, it's definitelypost the video

with his dog barking the notes.

-This guy has a lot of time.-He does.

And I'm gonna...I'm gonna tell you

-that is not the right answer.-Ah.

HARDWICK: I know. It's not theright answer, but I don't think

you're emotionally preparedfor how amazing

the other answer actually is.Take a look.

(man beatboxing song)

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-I mean, that's actually

very hard to do, and...

for those who stuck it outthrough the whole thing,

he had a very special messageat the end.

-Thanks to all my 24subscribers. -(laughter)

You're welcome.

(applause)

So...

-HELBIG: So humble. -BRAUNGER:So pass... His tone is

-so passive-aggressive.To his 24... -HARDWICK: Thanks.

And 24 subscribers.

-(laughter) -HARDWICK:Onto our next topic.

Photo bombs-- creepy or cute?

None of us are safefrom a good photo bomb.

Redditor Bippity BoppityButt Sex.

-Oh, God.-(laughter)

HELBIG:Is that real?

That's real.

(laughter)

That's (bleep).

(Grace sighs)

That's some friendly analright there.

(laughter, applause)

Want it to be friendly.

-No.-(applause and cheering)

-I mean, to me...-BRAUNGER: Hey.

...it sounds likeyou're about to get butt(bleep)

by Paul McCartney,where you're like...

(with British accent): "Oh,I was just going to stick it

"in the frontery,then, I'm gonna bippity-bop

around to the...butt sex part."

I... I went, uh,David Lee Roth in my mind.

-♪ Bippity boppity butt sex! -♪ Bippity boppity

♪ Zippity bobbityboobity butt sex ♪

♪ Boobity bibbity bop... bow

-Oh!-Oh!

Wow!

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ A-ha, ah!

♪ Ow!

Anyway...

Those are all sounds bothgiving and getting butt sex.

I wouldn't know, Matt.

You got to live, Chris.

Anyway...

Bippity Boppity Butt Sexturned us on to a selfie

that was trendingon reddit today,

but not for the reasonthat you think.

Uh, so comedians, there's areally great photobomb in here,

but will it be creepy or cute?

-Grace.-Cute.

-You think so? -I'm...Uh, well, that's my hope.

Uh...

let's find out.

-♪ -KONDABOLU: Oh.-BRAUNGER: Oh, my God.

-Oh, no.-Oh.

-Oh.-Oh, no.

Jesus, God.

No-no trigger warning at all?

She's duck-lipping so hardhe thinks it's a duck.

Like, he's just gonna...

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

As I mentioned at the topof the show, the nerd community

was dealt a powerful spiritualwedgie last night,

when the return of The X-Files was delayed 'cause of football.

Yeah, Chris Hardwick, we get it,you don't like (bleep) football,

shut the (bleep) up.Hey, it's nothing in comparison

to how much I have to hear aboutsports in our culture.

-(whooping) -That is whytonight's ha... Don't.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #AddSportsRuinAShow.

#AddSportsRuinAShow.

So you might takethe show like Empire.

We could make it Umpire. That'sa sports way to the show.

Or other examples mightinclude...

Okay, it's not the best example.

It's just an example.

Other ones might include Once Upon a Timeout

or It's Never Playoffs in Philadelphia.

Those are fun. I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock, and begin.

-Hari. -Mad About Using Steroids.

Points.Braunger.

-Third Gronk from the Sun. -Points.

Grace.

-Frazier, Joe. -Points.

Hari.

The O.J. Simpsons.

Points. Grace.

Good Game of Thrones.

Points.Hari.

Wilt Chamberlain's Big Gang Bang Theory.

Oh. That's a good one.

-That's a good one.-(exclaims)

Bazinga has a whole differentmeaning in that one.

Uh, points.Grace.

Here Comes Honey Boo!

Yes, points.Braunger.

Murder, She Intentionally Fouled.

Points.Braunger.

Real Housewives of the 33rd Annual Olympic Games.

All right, points.

It's timeto play Poster Children.

Poster Children.

If you can remember the '70s,you weren't there, man.

Or you were probablynot even born.

Uh, I-I wasn't.I was born in, like, '80...

(stammers)...eight.

Um, either way, that decadewas jammed

with primitive inspirationalposters that adorned the walls

of junior high guidance offices.

We found an archive of thesewonderful, inspirational

roll-ups on westword.com.

So comedians, someof the messages on the posters

seem like unfinished thoughts.

So for 250 points, just tell usthe rest of the phrase.

First up,"Know and accept yourself."

"Know and accept yourself."Matt.

Your mom was a horseand your dad was a cowboy

and that makes youa beautiful centaur.

-You can't see. -Oh, yeah, youcan't see from the waste down.

You can't seefrom the waist down.

Yeah, it's all...it's all horse down here.

-Just all horse.-See?

Yeah. Hari.

Uh, you will neverget off this farm.

Grace.

What happened between and youFarmer Bill is in the past.

Yeah. Points.

All right, next,"Tell it truthfully."

"Tell it truthfully."

Uh, Hari.

Your dick is a fish.

Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup.

-Yeah.-KONDABOLU: Obviously.

Points.Grace.

You drowned that blind kid,didn't you?

Next one."I'm okay and you're okay."

"I'm okay and you're okay."Grace.

It's normal for threeout of four teens

to (bleep) their pantsplaying basketball.

Points.Wait a minute.

To be fair...

To be fair, this one looks like

he's really trying not to.

"I'm not gonna be the fourth."

And she is freakingthe (bleep) out about it.

Yeah, she's like... -What'sgoing on?

You-you know why--

he's... he wiped someon the ball. Look.

Like, dude, stop.

I don't want to play four squareanymore with you.

Next, "Things we learncan help us now."

"Things we learn can..." Hey,look, they're reading a magazine

called Fun. Look at how much funthey're having, Hari.

Perhaps there isinformation in here

that will get us out of thisstranger's basement.

Braunger.

Dock worker Jim says thismagazine Fun is the filthiest

porno mag you canget your hands on.

I mean, it's practicallyillegal, dude.

Yeah, points.Points.

-Oh.-Next one.

"Every memberof a group is important."

"Every member of a groupis important." Matt Braunger.

Even Rusty, who's too stonedto get off the bench.

Yeah, points.Yup.

-Hey, man.-What?

Hari.

How come only the white kidsget to play?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh... Oh, you know why?

Uh, this is the, uh, Oscar'sleague, uh, softball team.

Oh!

Get 'em.Get 'em.

Get 'em.

Before the break,

I showed you

some white and white picturesof sorority sisters

defying stereotypes, andI asked you to write an entry

about comedian stereotypes.Let's see what you made.

First one, Grace Helbig,let's start with you.

Society says we're allnarcissists with social anxiety.

But, like, who said that?

And if you know,please text it to me.

Don't call. Don't call.

HARDWICK:All right.

Nice.

Oh.

Oh, you're in theEight Equals Equals D sorority.

Yeah. We love math.

Hari.

KONDABOLU (reading):

HARDWICK:Nice.

-Lambda Lambda Lambda.-Nice.

Revenge of the Nerds.

Tri-Lambs in the house.

Matt Braunger.

BRAUNGER (reading):

As we go to our next game,Opposite Cray.

Opposite Cray.

Today totally isn't Opposite Day,

which is why we won't playa game about things

that celebrities wouldn't doon Opposite Day.

Or isn't it?!

No, it is.

Just so there's no confusion,we are actually going to be

playing a game about the thingsthat celebrities would do

on Opposite Day.Let's get started.

First, what do you think TomCruise would do on Opposite Day?

-Braunger.-Be totally relatable.

All right, points.

Next up, Donald Trump.

-Hari.-Marry a gay Mexican Muslim.

Points.

Next up, Beyoncé.

-Grace.-Take a (bleep).

Points.

Kanye West.

Braunger.

Makes a song and goes,"Eh, not my best."

All right, points.

-"Eh.-Yeah.

I don't know."

And finally,Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Hari.

Admit that Pluto is a planet.

-All right. Points.-Oh...

-Oh, yeah, take that!-Yeah, yeah.

Oh! You just crossed the line,mister!

You just crossedthe Kuiper belt.

(light whooping)

Thank you.

Yeah, I know some (bleep)!

I'm not entirely stupid!