A while back, I wentdown to Washington, DC
and they-- and they put meup in the Watergate Hotel.
I don't know if you've been--it's just like a normal hotel.
Nice, you know.
I don't know why I expectedit would be weird, like all
the paintings would havethe eyeballs that are
moving back and forth, you know.
Or I'd pull one of thebooks of the bookcase
and it would wheelaround and there'd
be Richard Nixon. "Doyou need more towels?"
But, uh-- that actuallydidn't-- it didn't happen.
Although somebody did break inand leave a mint on my pillow.
That was a little weird.
So I got to go tothe White House
and meet President Bush--which it's exciting to meet
the President, but I'mnot a big fan of him.
I suppose he's an OK guy,but I was not crazy about him
as a President.
But you know, that's whyI wanted to meet him.
Because he was the President.
Everybody wants to meetthe President, you know?
How do you think a guy likethat gets a fox like Barbara,
It's power, baby.
Pure and simple.
Chicks dig power.
I'm going to meet the guy.
I'm going to meet the guy, andI didn't want to just shake
his hand and smileat him like I'm
his pet monkey or something.
I wanted to tellhim what it's about.
I wanted to go,"People are hurting.
Stop the pain."
You know, that'swhat you want to do.
I'm coming up the line.
It's my turn, and Isay-- I tell him, "Hey.
Shrimp are big!"
I was going to break the ice.
And then, next thing you know,"This is my wife, Barbara."
And it's all over.
Do you think shewanted to talk to me?
I'm nothing to her.
Less than nothing.And that's what happened.
I just filled up mypockets with those shrimp.
And uh, went back tothe hotel, had myself
a little party at thetaxpayer's expense.
It's time to keepour show moving.
but uh-- a lot of people ask.
They say, you're a comic.
So isn't that kind oftough, you being on the road
all the time, leavingyour wife alone?
Well, I thinkshe's just so happy
now to be an American citizenthat it's working out?
It, uh-- Don't complainthere's no romance.
There's mail ordercatalogs full of them.
Mail order brides.
Yes, where economic imperialismmeets low self-esteem.
Just the thought that somebodymight mate with you because it
can't be as bad as monsoonseason is kind of appealing.
Actually, we're getting thecart in front of the horse.
My wife is getting readyto have a baby now, so.
Am I the onlybreeder in the crowd?
No, I don't know.
That's, uh-- having a kid.
First, we have the baby shower.
She got the baby monitors.
You know about this?
A baby monitor.
What does a newborn babyneed with a walkie talkie
set, ladies and gentlemen?
I can see my days ofhouse-sitting now.
Breaker breaker, big man.
This is little boy right here.
I just dropped aload in my pampers.
I need a bottle and I've eaten abutterfly mobile over the crib.
We're having somedisagreements over religion.
Not that we belong toany prescribed faith,
but we just have sometheological disagreements.
My wife, who is verymuch a feminist,
is somewhat irate because shethinks that religion is sexist.
Because we always referto God as our Father.
Now, it's maybe politicallyincorrect, but it's a fact.
God is a man.
God-- no, follow me on this.
Follow me on this.
I figure any deity that has5 and 1/2 billion kids who
haven't seen or heardfrom him in 2000
years, that's gotta be a man.
What do you say wecompromise and refer to him
as our deadbeat fatherwho art in heaven,
ladies and gentlemen?
Let's get right to the point.
I was working over in England.
Do we have any Englishpeople here tonight?
Let's make fun of them.
Now, a little bitdifferent when you're
working between an Americancrowd and an English crowd,
to say the very least.
I think the key differenceis with an American audience,
if you get a heckler, they'regoing to sit front row
and center as opposed toan English crowd, where
the heckler is goingto be-- I guess
like the Amityville heckler.
It's this disembodiedvoice somewhere
from the back of the room.
Now I'm doing my wacky IRA bitthing that I do over there,
and it's going nowhere.
So, I'm in the middleof it and suddenly,
"Piss off, you fat bastard.
People really die."
And so now, I'mmaking a salient point
about the IRA, apolitically correct point.
The IRA, how can you hate them?
They spend most their timeblowing themselves up.
I hate to admit this, butthey're pretty much the Wile E
Coyote of terroristorganizations,
ladies and gentlemen.
I told you the giantcatapult wouldn't work.
So I'm doing this,and they're going off.
And I'm making funof the royal family,
which is a big no-no over there.
Talking about how Charleswill never be made king
now because of all the maritaltiffs that are going on.
He's never goingto be crowned king.
Apparently, theQueen wants to pass
the throne onto her grandkids.
Now see, as aninstitution, I kind
of like the idea ofa British monarchy.
I'm just not real crazyabout the current crop that's
in power, you knowwhat I'm saying?
Six-- 700 years ago,people were willing to kill
to be the King of England.
You hit a guy like Richardthe III or Henry the VIII,
that entire family would bechopped up in a burlap sack
heading for the Thames likea bunch of unwanted kittens.
I would have a lot morerespect for Charles
if he just come out likenaked, caked in dried blood
on the veranda ofBuckingham Palace
just holding the Queen'ssevered head by the tiara.
You know, just-- "People ofEngland, I am your King!"
Hey, thanks a lot.
and this is what I've learned.
If you look at anyone long enough,
they'll eventually spit.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, isn't that Mother Teresa?
I'm so sick of these men whojust talk about themselves.
I'm looking fora well-hung mime.
Anyway, um-- I've gotto find him first.
Now, all my friends are married.
They make me sick.
They call me all the time.
They're like, "Hi,it's Lynn and Charlie.
Yeah, we've officiallychanged our name to one.
Hey, how's the dating scene?
Oh, hold on just one second.
Charlie just brought meflowers for no reason at all.
Put them with the others.
Hey, did I tell youwe're buying a house?"
No, did I tell youMasterCard is suing me?
Some of my friends havestarted to have babies.
My best friend had a baby.
She gained 80 pounds.
She was in total denial.
Right before shehad the baby, she's
like-- do you thinkthere's any chance
that the baby couldway up to 80 pounds?
I'm like, I'm your best friend.
I'm going to go with 40, tops.
But, um-- I started to see atherapist because my family
says I'm in denial,which is a total lie.
I'm even in denial about thefact that I'm in therapy.
I've just convinced myself thatit's a friend that I see once
a week, and then I lend her $90.
And she never pays me back.
Therapy is amazing.
You sit there and you talk aboutyourself for an hour straight.
And the other person listensto everything that you say.
It's like I'm the guy on a date.
I think everyone should bein therapy, though, because I
think everyone haslow self-esteem.
Because you can nevergive anyone a compliment.
Because if you ever giveanyone a compliment,
they either totally dismissit, or they confess something
really horrible aboutthemselves that you
would otherwise never know.
Oh, you have a beautiful smile.
My back tooth iscompletely black.
Well, you look great today.
I once killed a man.
Well, you have a perfect penis.
It's not mine.
Anyone being sued by amajor credit card company,
or am I projecting?
It's gotten to the point nowthat I have to answer the phone
in foreign accents,you know what I mean?
She not here right how.
Maybe you call back in a year.
It was humiliating.
I tried to use my creditcard the other day.
I say I tried.
I went to one ofthese boutiques where
they have nothing butlike skin tight clothes.
Anyway, so I go in and therewas this evil salesgirl.
The kind who she'sobviously had her neck
broken and never got it fixed.
She's like-- Can Iget you something?
I'm like, Dramamine?
And, uh-- Anyway, I didn't wantto buy the dress, but you know.
I was in the dressing roomand I was trying it on,
and the girl nextto me was trying
the same dress in a size two.
And then she cameout, she's like--
"Do you have this in a zero?"
And in the meantime, I'm beingforced to buy the dress I'm
wearing because I couldn'tget the zipper undone.
Like now, I'm justgoing to wear it out.
So I tried to pay for the dress.
I gave her my, you know,American Express card.
It was like giving her ascratch-and-win lottery ticket.
She went like this.
She goes-- they want me to call.
I said, well call.
So she calls and shegoes-- oh, uh-huh.
They want to talk to you.
Well, tell them I'm not here.
You ready to have some fun?
Let's get the hell out of here.
What do you say,are you with me?
I'm a different kind of comic.
I tend to start slow, and thenjust kind of urinate on myself.
I grew up very poor.
Me and the other neighbor kids,we just used to play stick.
It's just a lot ofpoking going on.
Come home and, just-- "Youwere playing stick again!"
My mom, she was really strict.
I'd come home,and she would just
start yelling atus all the time.
"There will be nomore killings!"
I had a dream lastnight that I ate
the world's largest marshmallow.
I woke up this morning, andmy girlfriend's head was gone.
I live with my girlfriend.
I live with her.
We live together, and she wantsto get married and all this.
I do not want to get married.
I just read an article thatthree out of five marriages
now end in a blow tothe back of the head.
Plus my parentsare divorced now.
My dad's girlfriend, she--that's so weird for me
to say my dad's girlfriend,because for such a long time,
she was just always my sister.
And now-- I'm just joking.
She's my brother.
But I'm married.
I mean, I uh-- I livewith my girlfriend.
I almost said I'm marriedto my man-lover, Jeffrey.
for you, really quick.
This is an impression.
This is called FBIphone trace man.
I just quit smoking.
Because I'm a quitter.
I got the patch.
If you're thinking of quitting,you ought to get the patch.
This thing really works.
I think they should make itfor everything, like if you're
an alcoholic, ifyou're overweight,
if you're a crappy driver.
Just get a patch.
I'm up to 30 patches a day.
I had to get a patchto get off the patches.
I have a patch on my ass.
It's a patch of hair,but it's a patch.
This is my dog's ear.
His name was Patches.
Before I got into comedy,I-- I took aerobics.
I was in the-- Iwent to this college,
Bob's Community College.
It was actually just me and Bob.
He said it was aerobics.
I got an A. Here'ssomething to do to have fun.
Next time you're walking aroundNew York late at night, 3:30
in the morning, maybe down astreet somewhere, just do this.
Not my baby!"
And then just run away.
Get out of there.
You don't want to stay aroundfor something like that.
Or do this-- do this.
Next time you go to theairport, walk through the metal
detector, get somebodybehind you who has never been
through the metaldetector before.
Walk through there anddo this-- "Turn it off!
Turn it off!" "OK,come on through!"