Extended - Thursday, March 3, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 03/03/2016

Megan Neuringer, Barry Rothbart and Chris D'Elia sample freaky international music, #FloridaAMovie and teach a very angry yoga class in this extended, uncensored episode.

>> HARDWICK: NOW IT'S TIME TOPUT THE SIGH IN POLITICAL

SCIENCE FOR PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)TO THE TRENDING BOARD, JACK.

HERE IT IS.

FIRST UP-- CIVIL RIGHTEOUS.

CIVIL RIGHTEOUS.

EXILED SKEKSIS WITH ASNUFFLEUPAGUS WIG, DONALD TRUMP,

TOOK SOME TIME OUT OF HIS SUPERTUESDAY RED WEDDING CEREMONY TO

DENOUNCE WHITE SUPREMACY ON"GOOD MORNING AMERICA."

TAKE A LISTEN.

>> THERE'S NOBODY THAT'S DONE SOMUCH FOR EQUALITY AS I HAVE.

YOU TAKE A LOOK AT PALM BEACH,FLORIDA.

I BUILT THE MAR-A-LAGO CLUB.

TOTALLY OPEN TO EVERYBODY.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

MAR-A-LAGO CLUB-- WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S GOT TO BE MAYBE A SCHOOLFOR UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN, OR

A... OR, OH, MAYBE IT'S A REHABFACILITY FOR AFRICAN-AMERICAN

VETERANS, RIGHT?

LET'S SEE.

NO, IT'S A FUCKING COUNTRY CLUB.

WELL...

(LAUGHTER)THAT BASTION OF INCLUSIVENESS,

THE COUNTRY CLUB.

WELL, TRUMP SAID IT'S OPEN TOEVERYONE.

EVERYONE WHO'S WILLING TO PAY$100,000 MEMBERSHIP FEE AND 14

GRAND IN ANNUAL DUES.

I MEAN, HE IS CLEARLY AMODERN-DAY CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER.

THAT IS WHY HE HAS SO MANYMALCOLM X WIVES.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE...?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER WAYSBILLIONAIRE COUNTRY CLUB OWNER

DONALD TRUMP IS FIGHTINGINEQUALITY?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> UH, HE FIRES EVERYONE THAT'SNOT WHITE, REGARDLESS OF THEIR

COLOR.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)AND THAT'S HOW HE'S EQUAL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: BARRY.

>> WITH A SENSIBLE TAX PLAN ANDLONG-TERM IMMIGRATION AGENDA.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP-- FATHER TIMELESS.

FATHER TIMELESS.

LIFE ALERT SPOKES MODEL BERNIESANDERS TOOK FOUR STATES THIS

SUPER TUESDAY, WHICH REMINDED USOF THIS WEB SITE THAT HIS

SUPPORTERS MADE CALLED "I LIKEBERNIE, BUT..." DOT COM.

UH, THIS ADDRESSES CONCERNSVOTERS MIGHT HAVE IF YOU'RE

CONCERNED.

CONCERNS LIKE, "ISN'T HE ASOCIALIST?" AND "ISN'T HE TOO

WEAK ON CONTROL?"AND FOR EACH OF THESE, THEY

PROVIDE A VERY REASONABLEANSWER, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE--

"HE'S TOO OLD"-- TO WHICHSANDERS' SUPPORTS SAY, "AT 74,

BERNIE SANDERS WOULD BE THEOLDEST PRESIDENT EVER ELECTED,

BUT AS MEDICAL SCIENCE IMPROVES,PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO BE FIT ENOUGH

MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY."

THAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

MODERN MEDICINE WILL SAVE HIMPROBABLY?

(LAUGHTER)DON'T WORRY, AMERICAN PEOPLE.

SCIENTISTS WILL FIGURE OUT A WAYFOR OLD MAN SANDERS TO RULE THE

LAND WITH HIS HEAD IN A JAR.

RIGHT HERE.

THERE HE'S GONNA BE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

I MEAN...

HONESTLY, WE MADE A LOT OF FUNOF HIM FOR BEING OLD IN THE

PAST, BUT IT IS A VERY STRESSFULJOB, TO BE FAIR.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE EXPLAIN TOVOTERS EXACTLY HOW SCIENCE WILL

SAVE DECAYING PRESIDENT BERNIESANDERS.

MEGAN.

>> IT WON'T.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT A

DEAD BERNIE SANDERS RUNNING THECOUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER THAN A

LIVE DONALD TRUMP.

>> HARDWICK: AH, THAT'S VERY...

THAT'S VERY, VERY TRUE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NEXT UP, EVIL TWINS.

A KEEN-EYED OBSERVATION BYCOMEDIAN BRIAN GAAR HAS BEEN

MAKING THE ROUNDS ON TWITTERABOUT A RESEMBLANCE TED CRUZ

BEARS TO...

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> A DIABOLICAL SWISS VILLAIN INA BARBIE MOVIE.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU'REABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

CHECK THAT SHIT OUT!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> OH, MY GOD! OH, MY...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

>> HE KNOWS... LOOK, HE...

THAT WAS THE PICTURE RIGHT THEREWHERE HE REALIZED IT, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: HE REALIZES...

>> HONESTLY...

>> WHOSE SKIN IS LESSHUMAN-LIKE?

>> YEAH, BUT...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TED.

THIS IS MONSIEUR PHILLIPE, THEBAD GUY IN BARBIE & HER SISTERS

IN A PONY TAIL, WHERE THEYREALLY STARTED GETTING

CORPORATE.

UM, HERE IS A CLIP OF THE SLIMYMONSIEUR PHILLIPE TRYING TO

STEAL A KISS FROM BARBIE.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY.

>> OH! OH!

>> HARDWICK: NO, I'M JUSTFUCKING WITH YOU.

HERE'S AN ACTUAL CLIP FROM THEMOVIE.

>> 2016 IS GONNA BE THE LASTYEAR BEFORE HILLARY RETIRES

PERMANENTLY TO CHAPPAQUA.

>> HARDWICK: YEP. YEP.

(APPLAUSE)>> OH, MY GOD.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)EXACTLY 171 YEARS AND 3,000

ALLIGATOR LICKIN'S AGO, THEGLORIOUS LAND OF FLORIDA BECAME

OUR 27TH STATE WHEN PRESIDENTJOHN TYLER GRABBED HIS

RATTLESNAKE PEN, THREW ON HISSENOR FROG'S NOVELTY T-SHIRT AND

SAID, "BY THE POWER VESTED INME, I DECLARE THIS THE MOST

BAT-SHIT INSANE STATE OF THEUNION!

NOW, GIVE ME MY FUCKIN' METH!"SO... IN HONOR...

(APPLAUSE)THAT'S A FAIRLY DIRECT QUOTE.

FAIRLY DIRECT QUOTE.

SO IN CELEBRATION OF OUR MOSTBELOVED SWAMP WITH A GOVERNOR,

WE'RE GONNA GIVE HOLLYWOOD AFLORIDA TWIST WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG FLORIDAAMOVIE.

FLORIDAAMOVIE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: RAIDERS OFTHE LOST BATH SALTS.

AND: THE HATEFUL STATE.

LET'S GET 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> DON'T TELL MOM THEBABYSITTER'S CASEY ANTHONY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER, GROANS)VERY... VERY GOOD.

BARRY ROTHBART.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LASTSUMMER-- FUCKED YOUR COUSIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> LORD OF THE RINGWORM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BARRY.

>> THIS IS 40... GRAMS OF METH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MEGAN.

>> HOW STELLA GOT HER KIDS BACK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MEGAN.

>> WHEN HARRY METH'D SALLY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> LAP DANCES WITH WOLVES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. VERY GOOD.

CHRIS.

>> ALL DOGS GO TO UNDERGROUNDFIGHT CLUBS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> STOP, OR GEORGE ZIMMERMANWILL SHOOT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, SHOUTING)POINTS. UH, MEGAN.

>> UH, LOCK, STOCK AND TWOSMOKING PREGNANT STRIPPERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)BARRY.

>> I ONCE TRIED TO FUCK ACROCODILE DUNDEE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY TRLSD.

NOW, SOMETIMES WE...

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)SOMETIMES WE AMERICANS ARE A

LITTLE TOO FOCUSED ON OURSELVES,SO I WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME TO

LOOK AT THE COUNTRIES THAT HAVEOTHER MUSIC AND POINT TO IT AND

MOCK IT RELENTLESSLY.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A BONKERS CLIP FROM A

FOREIGN LAND, AND FOR 250POINTS, I WANT YOU TO ANSWER A

QUESTION ABOUT IT.

FIRST UP, LET'S SEE THE GREATSTUFF JAPAN IS DOING.

(SINGING RAPIDLY IN JAPANESE)♪

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

WHAT... YEAH, YOU'RE NOT WRONG.

WHAT IS THIS ALBUM CALLED?

CHRIS.

>> IT'S CALLED THE LEAST WEIRDTHING IN JAPAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NEXT UP... THESE GERMAN

UBERMENSCHES.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)(WHISTLES)

♪ (WHISTLES)

(GERMAN ACCENT): VAT IS THE NAMEOF THIS BAND?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALLMUNICH VOLUME 6.

>> HARDWICK: VERY WELL DONE!

(CHEERING)VERY WELL DONE. POINTS.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> (GERMAN ACCENT): NAUGHTYNAZIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)MM, MM, MM, MM.

>> NO, NO, NO.

NEIN, NEIN, NEIN.

>> HARDWICK: NEIN, NEIN, NEIN,NEIN.

SOMEONE'S BEING A BAD BOY, MR.HITLER!

SOMEONE'S BEING A VERY NAUGHTYBOY.

SOMEONE WITH HIS TINY, WEIRD,MISSHAPEN PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)HE DOES. HE HAD A TINY, WEIRD,

MISSHAPEN PENIS, AND HISURETHRA'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

HIS SHAFT-- THAT WAS A HUNDREDPERCENT TRUE.

LOOK IT UP LATER!

WHEN YOU'RE READY TO COME! UH...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> LIKE, LIKE, RIGHT WHEN YOULOOK IT UP. UH...

(YELLING)>> HARDWICK: OH! I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT WOULD BE A THING.

NEXT UP, THE CZECH REPUBLIC'SFINEST.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)>> (SINGING IN CZECH)

>> HARDWICK: WHAT IS THE NAME OFTHIS SONG?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> "CZECH, PLEASE".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

REALLY NICE.

MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> UH, IT'S CALLED "I'M AVIRGIN".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I KNOW YOU GUYS WANT SOME FRENCHFUNK, SO HERE YOU GO.

>> (SINGING IN FRENCH)>> HARDWICK: THIS JUST CAME OUT

IN FRANCE.

UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS GROUP?

BARRY.

>> THEY DIED FROM COMPLICATIONSFROM HUMAN CENTIPEDE SURGERY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THE COMPLICATION'S THAT YOUCAN'T SEW YOUR MOUTH TO ANOTHER

PERSON'S ASSHOLE AND SURVIVE.

>> IT WAS JUST SUC-SUCCEEDING INTHE SURGERY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

UH, NEXT UP, SPAIN'S IDEA OF APOP STAR.

>> ♪ NEW, NEW, BOY, BOYNEW, NEW, TOY, TOY

NEW, NEW, BOY, BOYNEW, NEW, TOY, TOY. ♪

>> HARDWICK: AH, SO CUTTINGEDGE.

RIGHT ON MYSPACE.

NEW, NEW.

WHAT'S A FUN FACT ABOUT THISARTIST?

BARRY.

>> THEY DIED DURINGCOMPLICATIONS FROM HUMAN

CENTIPEDE SURGERY.

>> HARDWICK: POINT...

I WOULD HAVE SAID HE SURVIVED.

POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> UH, I DON'T KNOW HOW FUN THISFACT IS, BUT, UH...

I GUARANTEE THAT HIS DAD DOESN'TTALK TO HIM ANYMORE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, FINALLY, HOW ABOUTTHIS SEXY FRENCH VIDEO?

>> (SINGING IN FRENCH)>> HARDWICK: I THINK THAT IS

FUCKING AWESOME.

EVERY BIT OF THAT IS AWESOME.

WHO DO THEY THANK IN THEIR LINERNOTES?

BARRY.

>> THE POPE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

COOL POPE WOULD LOVE THIS VIDEO.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, MEGAN.

>> THEY THANKED COME.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU...

THANK YOU TO...

THANK YOU TO OUR MOMS AND DADSAND THE LORD AND EVERYONE WHO

HELPED US AND MY GUIDANCECOUNSELOR AND COME AND ALSO

MY...

>> THANK COME.

>> I LIKE... IF IT WAS LIKE,"THANK... THANKS TO DAD, COME,

MOM..."

HOW DID COME GET OVER MOM?

>> HARDWICK: BRIDGING THE GAP.

COME GOT IN MOM.

THAT'S WHY THEY...

YEAH.

BEFORE THE BREAK WE LEARNEDABOUT AN EDGY NEW FORM OF YOGA.

I ASKED YOU TO LEAD YOUR OWNRAGE YOGA CLASS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, GODDAMNIT.

CHRIS D'ELIA, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> WELCOME TO HAPPY HOUR YOGAWITH MEL GIBSON.

>> HARDWICK: HE SEEMS FUN.

BARRY.

>> HI, I'M FORMER DOMESTICABUSER RAY RICE, AND THIS IS MY

CLASS.

NO CAMERAS.

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT.

>> NO CAMERAS, NO CAMERAS.

>> HARDWICK: MEGAN.

>> NOW WE'RE GOING TO TAKE INOUR RAGE AND WE'RE GONNA INHALE.

AND WE'RE GONNA HOLD IT FOR ONE,TWO, FOREVER.

WE'RE GONNA HOLD IT IN FOREVER.

AND NOW WE'RE GONNA RELEASEAND... FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU,

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, STOCK

PHOTO JOB SEARCH.

STOCK PHOTO JOB SEARCH.

IF THERE'S ONE THING STOCK PHOTOWEB SITES HAVE IN SPADES, IT'S

BIZARRE OFFICE PLACE PHOTOS THATLOOK LIKE THEY WERE TAKEN BY A

RUSSIAN MORTICIAN ON LSD.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA STOCK PHOTO OF SOMEONE ON THE

JOB AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TOTELL ME WHAT JOB THEY'RE

APPLYING FOR.

FIRST UP, THIS.

MEGAN.

>> UM, GIRL WHO DIDN'T GET WHATSHE WANTED FOR HER BAT MITZVAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

BARRY.

>> FART TESTER.

>> HARDWICK: YEP. THESE FARTSARE A-OKAY.

POINTS. NEXT ONE.

BARRY ROTHBART.

>> THE MOST FUN LAWYER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> IT'S A FUN LAWYER.

>> HARDWICK: (SQUAWKS) I OBJECT.

(SQUAWKS) I OBJECT.

UH, NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)>> COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

>> HARDWICK: MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> CEO OF DUMB ASSHOLE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)>> FUCK YOU! WESLEY SNIPES'

FINANCIAL ADVISOR!

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

I DON'T WANT POINTS!

I DON'T WANT POINTS!

I JUST WANTED THE OPPORTUNITY!

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU'RE INLUCK-- YOU'RE NOT GETTING POINTS

BECAUSE IT WASN'T YOUR TURN.

>> OH!

>> IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE!

IT'S FINE. IF-IF YOU LIKE THAT,THEN JUST TWEET ME ABOUT IT.

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

>> HARDWICK: MEGAN NEURINGER.

>> DIRECTOR OF I'M CRAZY.

>> HARDWICK: I GUESS NO POINTS.

UH, THE AUDIENCE WASN'T BEHINDYOU ON THAT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)>> OH, FOR FUCK...

>> OH...

>> HARDWICK: NOT CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> ABUSIVE DADS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YES.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL'S WIFE'SGYNECOLOGIST.

'CAUSE THEY GOT...

>> NO POINTS! NO POINTS!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

THE AUDIENCE IS DEMANDING I GIVEYOU POINTS, D'ELIA.

I MUST GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> OH, NO!

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE...

BARRY ROTHBART.

>> IKEA MODEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THE DOG'S JOB IS TO BEAT THESHIT OUT OF HER TILL SHE GIVES

UP THE INFORMATION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

D'ELIA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TOSAY.

THESE WERE ALL SPECTACULARANSWERS, BUT YOU DIDN'T GET THE

BUZZER ON TIME.

>> IT'S OKAY! I DON'T WANT THEPOINTS!

JUST... SLIDE INTO MY DMS, DOYOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)