Gould, Evans, Brillon, Katz, Varghese, Malik S., Kaler

  • Season 2, Ep 0202
  • 07/12/2007

which is a-- it's funny.

L.A. is a really liberal city,

but it's very hypocritical

in what it choosesto be liberal about.

Like, you can drive around L.A.,see a guy wearing lipstick

and high heels and a fur coat,masturbating into a mailbox.

People giving him a hard time:"Hey, is that real fur?!"

So, uh, contrary to whatyou probably think of me,

I'm actuallya responsible adult.

I'm married. I have kids.

We have two daughters.

Our girls are adopted.They're from China.

When we first told my mother

that we were adopting kidsfrom China,

it promptedthe insightful question,

"Are you goingto teach them English?"

And honestly, we got thatfrom more than one person.

They learn the languagethat they grew up around.

You know, the Chineseisn't loaded in like an iMac.

Kitty cat.

(speaking Chinese)

Kitty cat.

(speaking Chinese)

Uh, I mean, I make funof my family a lot,

but obviously,I'm just like them.

I'm a lot like my dad.

Like my father,I have two basic emotions:

rage and suppressed rage.

It's better now, though.

I'm married.I have my own family.

For a successful marriage--this is an interesting thing--

to stay married successfully,I had to learn how to fight.

Yeah, because I'm a verynon-confrontational person.

I do not like conflict.

My whole approachto marriage was simple.

My wife will do somethingthat drives me insane,

I won't say anything,

and then later,I'll die of cancer.

But you can't do that.

You've got to get in thereand mix it up, you know?

It's always the little things.

It's never a major dealthat blows the fight up.

Like, when my wife sends meto the store--

Let's just call it what it is.

"When I choose to goto the store...

"of my own volition...

with my wife's list..."

But my wife is very clever,

and on the listshe will often include

several items that don't exist.

Just to keep me out of the houseand looking

just that much longer.

I end up wanderingthe aisles going,

"Yeah, do you havemaple-flavored vodka pops?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to findSunny Harvest Li'l Cobra Bites."

And then you come home and youjust have that head of steam,

and thenit's whatever sets you off.

"Why did you buy cupcake mixand not buy cupcake tin liners?"

"Because I'm not a ... damncupcake expert, that's why.

"You know who you married.

"I buy my cupcakes made.

I don't make my own cupcakeslike some kind of animal."

And you'd thinkthat would be enough.

"Screw you." "Screw you."

The fight's over.We can go on with our lives.

But no.

See, that's the interestingthing about my wife and I.

The thing we have in common:we both have to win.

So two hours later

where most people have gone onwith their lives,

we're still down in the kitchenslugging it out,

throwing everything we haveat each other,

staggering on the ropeslike Stallone and Carl Weathers

at the end of Rocky II.

"Wait a minute.Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me just... let me justget this right, okay."

"So you're saying that

"if you died and came backas a turtle,

"that I wouldn't feed you.

I-Is that what you're saying?"

(bleep)

"I would feed you lettuce..."

"...special pellets.

I would oil your shell."

"Get your motherto oil your shell."

And it's harder with childrenbecause...

the only thing I have isreason, you know?

You can't go to reasonwith a kid.

My daughter will be sayingshe's hungry, and I'll be like,

"Buddy, you're not hungry.You're just bored.

"Do you understand?

"And you're already starting offa pattern

"of satisfyingan internal disconnect

"with an external stimulation,

"and that's a dead-end road,sweetie.

"Courtney Love liveson that road.

"You don't wantto live on that road.

"Do you understandwhat I'm saying?

Or are you going to hidebehind being four all year?"

Because the minute you thinkthat they have reason,

they are the worst peoplein the world.

My daughter will come--"Daddy, I want a cheese stick."

"All right, sweetie,tell you what.

"Let's not havea cheese stick now

"because we're goingto bed in an hour

"and we always havea cup of milk at bedtime.

Let's wait an hourand then we'll have our milk."

"Daddy, I want a cheese stick."

"I know, honey, but let's wait.It'll be better.

Let's have milk in an hour."

"Daddy, I want a..."

45 minutes.

"Daddy, I want a cheese stick.""No."

"Daddy, I want..."Finally, after 45 minutes,

I'm like, "Okay, you win, okay,

"but let's do this.

"If we have cheese sticks now,

"we're going to bedin 15 minutes,

so let's not have milkat bedtime, okay?"

"Okay."

"So we'll haveour cheese stick now

and then in 15 minuteswe won't have milk."

"All right."

"And you're good?""I'm good."

She eats her cheese stick.

"Daddy, I want milk."

"You (bleep), you (bleep),you knew you wanted milk!

"You always plannedon asking me for milk!

"You just played melike I'm some kind of (bleep).

"You think I suckbecause I don't go off to work

"in the morninglike the other dads.

"My job is precious!

"The world needs clowns,you know!

"You think I'm a loser

"because Mommy makes more moneythan I do?

My (bleep) is as bigas anybody's, Jack."

But you can't go

to that place with a kid.

It's a bit weird for me.

I just got married, you guys.

I just got married.

Thanks.

I'm surprised, too, actually.

I didn't thinkI would get married

'cause I have a weird look.

Uh, no, we should talk about it.

I found out if you havea weird look, it can help you.

Like on a date, sometimesa woman will tell a guy

he looks like somebody famousto make him feel better

about his look, and usually,it's something exciting

like a famous actor,but the first time

my wife and I went out,

I thought the date was goingpretty good, right,

and she stopped and she goes,"You know what?

You lookjust like Count Chocula."

Actually, it was like this.

She's like, "You lookjust like Count Cho..."

I-I used to wear my collarlike this.

What?

I don't think that's weird.

Is that a compliment, though?

Like, are therecereal characters

getting laid nowadays?

"Dude, come on over.Party at Frankenberry's house.

"Everyone's wasted.

Who let Toucan Samnear the coke?"

Right, 'cause he has a big nose?

Okay, you got it. Good.

It's weird when you get married,things change,

and that's a true story.

My wife and I aren'tas nice to each other.

We used to be so nice.

Now we say exactly what we wantto say

and we don't edit it at all.

We just say it, you know?

Like we were leavingthe house the other day.

I like to get dressed up.

Okay, I think that's obvious

to everybody here.

I get a little dressyout on the town.

(laughs)

But my wife puts no effort

into going outnow that we're married.

Like, we're walkingout the door,

she has her hair in a ponytail,no makeup,

big hooded sweatshirt on, and Imake the mistake of saying this.

I go, "Wow, hon.

You're goingto go out dressed like that?"

She goes, "You know what?

I can't look beautifulfor you every day."

I'm like, "Well, could you try

"to put a couple of daysin a row together?

"Is that

"an option?

You don't have to be Cal Ripken,Jr., but get a streak going."

I mean, you know?

"I'm not asking you to goto the Hall of Fame,

but make the team,you know, at least."

I like thrift stores, you guys.

Goodwill, Salvation Army-- I do.

I don't like these reallyreligious thrift stores.

You ever been to one of those?

They have, like,the crosses everywhere

and the "footprints poems"

reminding you how bad you areand stuff.

And see, this is the thing.

I was raised very non-religious,thank God...

and, uh, it's just differentfor me, you know.

But I was standing there andI'm, like, ready to check out.

Taped to the cash register--

I swear to God,they had this article taped,

and the headlineof the article said,

"Did you know the bloodof 40 million babies has stained

United States soil since 1963through legalized abortion?"

I'm like, whoa, whoa, 40 millionbabies, stained US soil.

Who's doingall these abortions outside?

Oh, my God,put down a tarp or something.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

And is this the placefor your pro-life message?

In between the bric-a-bracand the soiled futon?

I mean, why don't you put upa sign that says "We need fives"

like all the other thrift stores

that I go to?

That was awesome.

My mom is crazy.

She's, like, real conservativeand really religious

and we can't have conversations,

because she forces her opinionson me all the time.

Like we were havinga conversation about,

about immigration,and I live in Los Angeles,

so I should careabout immigration,

but, honestly, I don't care.

And it blew my mom's,like, she...

I live in Los Angeles;she lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma--

the last place anyone would packtheir stuff up and move to--

and she's so worried.

I just go, "Mom, I don't care."

She goes, "Well, I do care.

I e-mailed George Bush."

(chuckles)

My mom e-mailed the Presidentof the United States,

which is cutein a children's letter

to Santa Claus kind of way,

but I don't thinkhe's gonna read it.

Like, he didn't even read theprewar intelligence about Iraq.

I don't thinkhe's jumping into his inbox...

(chuckles)

talking to my mother.

(chuckles)

"Dear Doreen..."

(making typewriter noises)

"Thank you for your pointedquestion about immigr..."

(making typewriter noises)

Just don't care.

I always wonder

if Native Americans wishthey would've had

a stricterimmigration policy, you know.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

This ain'tthe New World, Cortez.

Turn around.

Do a loop.

There's no spices, De Soto.

Tell the queen.

Travel all over, too.

I was in Chicago;people are rude there.

Not like New York City.

Ah, no.

I was in downtown; I bumpedinto a guy on the streets.

It was clearly my fault,so I turned around

to say "I'm sorry,"but before I could do it,

he was standing there like this,

waiting to kick my ass.

He was like,

"Yo, man!

Which one of y'allbitches hit me?"

I was like, "Hold on.Did you just call me Beatrice?

Oh, no, you didn't!"

I thought it was a street insult

where you call peopleold lady names.

I didn't know.

I was like, "All right, you wantsome of this, Rosemary? Come on.

"No, it's go time,Hazel, right now.

"Stick and move.

Eleanor."

That's why I love New York City,lots of energy here.

I'm a native New Yorker;born and raised in the Bronx.

Awesome. Wow.

Some of you made it out.

Good. Congratulations.

I love being from New York.

And I realize whypeople love coming here.

You know, it's because of allthe crazy stuff that happens.

'Cause this is a crazy city,

but we don't realize itbecause we're New Yorkers.

Just doesn't evenfaze us anymore.

Like the other day,

I saw a homeless guyplaying with his nipples.

Middle of Fifth Avenue, just...

Lifted his shirt up to here.

'Cause that's how you do.

And just, head back.

And you could tellwho the tourists were,

'cause they're walking by going,"Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

That is appalling."

(makes clicking noise)

(chuckles)

"He's touchinghis nipples, Beth.

"They're not gonnabelieve this back home.

How many exposuresdoes this have?"

It's the one city,though, I think,

New York is that one city

where you wake up and youactually want to fight someone.

Ever have that?

Yeah, you know whatI'm talking about?

Like, you wake upand you're like,

"Please, let someonestart with me today.

"Please. I just...

got to fight someone."

And the other day, I was in thatmood, and I get on the train.

I'm trying to talk myself outof it, 'cause what am I, crazy?

I want to fight somebody?

I can't even fight.

And I saw this woman, she lookedlike a friend of mine,

so I waved to her,and I'm like, "Hey."

And it wasn't my friend.

So now I have to justify it,and I'm like, "I'm sorry, ma'am,

you look just likeone of my best friends."

And she goes,"I don't look like anyone!"

I know.

So in my head,I was like, "Yes!"

'Cause now I get to fight her.

So then I say to her,I'm like, "That's so weird,

'cause the girl you look likeis a bitch, too."

I win.

In our high-stakes gameof attitude poker,

she gave me the pair,

I gave her the royal flush.

I was like, "No, no.

"I've played before.

And I do play to win."

When I was single,I had all these troubles,

because I have one of thosefaces that just says...

♪ If you're crazyand you know it, ask me out ♪

♪ If your mama never loved you,buy me lunch ♪

Whoo.

(chuckles)

Sit down and discussyour childhood.

Fun, fun, fun.

Actually, I actuallyhave a boyfriend now.

Sorry, ladies.

Women love me.

And now we've beentogether a while now.

We're actuallytrying to have a baby.

(scattered applause)

Thank you.

(cheering)

Thank you.

I'm gonna tell him real soon.

I'm gonna tell him that.

I'm gonna tell him that...

really soon.

He's gonna be a great dad.He just doesn't know it yet.

Just... I'm just kidding.

I'm not gonna tell him.

That would completely andutterly ruin the surprise.

I got mugged.

(chuckles):Which is not funny.

One person laughed.Here's what happened.

The guy, he grabbedmy makeup case, and I thought,

"Great, I'm getting muggedby a drag queen.

Only in New York."

Then he grabbed my bag,and he was like,

"I'm gonna hit you!"

So then I said,

"If you hit me,you better knock me out."

Which was stupid.

Don't ever giveyour mugger that option.

Turns out, that was his planin the first place.

So he went to hit me,but I can take a punch.

I went to public school.I know what's coming.

And he hit me, and I went backlike one of those clowns

you had as a kid, like,you punch and it goes back.

(chuckles):No.

Try again.

I got real cocky.

I was like,"Is that all you got?"

But there was another arm Ishould've been looking out for.

That other onecame out of nowhere.

And this guy lifted meup off the floor

and tossed me asidelike nothing.

And the whole timehe's picking me up,

the only thoughtgoing through my head was,

"Oh, my God, I must havelost so much weight.

"Did you see how he threw me?

"I'm so skinny.

I'm so skinny right now."

And I'm starting to get tired ofpretending I'm happy for them.

Seems kind of patheticfor these guys.

I mean, these are grown men.

All of a sudden,they have to start

asking for permissionbefore they do stuff.

They're constantlyapologizing for things.

They don't know what for.

They're just stuck on repeat.

"Sorry, sorry,sorry, sorry, sorry."

You know?

And as soon as they get married,

they all get thesebig old guts on them.

That's not from drinking beer.

That's fromswallowing pride, okay?

That's a pride belly.

They're always trying to set meup with girls, though.

And for some reason,the girls always wear glasses,

just like me. Yeah.

I don't know what kind ofracist crap that is.

Oh, that's great.

Let's hook upand not see things together.

How romantic.

I'm not into that.

I'm not into girlswho look like me.

I'm more of an opposites attractkind of guy.

Like, the other day,I run into a girl.

Not only is she wearing glasses,

but she's, like, my completefemale equivalent, right?

Short, brown hair,all Jewy in the face.

It wasn't good.

And really,thanks but no thanks.

I'm trying to do betterthan all this.

I think it's only naturalto look for the upgrade, right?

I mean, you don't think the...think the lonely pigeon

doesn't dream of someday

soaring withthe majestic eagle, huh?

You think the platypuswouldn't rather

hump some morelegitimate mammal?

I'm sure he would, all right?

He's an egg-laying beaver duck,

the pre-op transvestiteof the animal kingdom.

His life sucks.I can do better.

And the other thing is,

when you date someone,that is a potential mate.

That's someone that you mightsomeday have kids with.

And personally, I'm not tryingto double all these genes.

I mean, how much shorter

and blinder could our kidspossibly get?

I'm gonna go hook up with someother short, nearsighted chick?

We're not gonna have kids,we're gonna have a bunch of

freaky little mole babies,you know?

Sure, it'll be easyto get them into college,

but they keepburrowing up the yard,

lowering the property value,and I can't have that.

Here's a little advicefor you guys.

Never hire a clownnamed Molesto.

(laughter)

Don't do it.

I mean it, for real.

(laughter)

So I was, uh, just livingin San Francisco.

That's a weird place

'cause they still have hippiesthere for some reason.

(clapping)I don't know whythey still have hippies.

That's not somethingto applaud about.

(laughter)Uh, seriously,why is that group around?

That's the only group that hassurvived the '80s, right?

You never run into a beatnik,never see

a freaking flapper Charlestoningit down the street, you know?

(laughter)

For some reason,we still got hippies.

I made the mistakeof moving in with a hippie.

Hippie roommate.Horrible mistake.

Apparently, when they say peaceand love, what they really mean

is filthy and annoying.(laughter)

They are terrible people,horrible folks.

We shared a bathroom.We shared a bathroom.

I had a soap.That was established.

It was my soap,so please don't use it,

but I could tellshe was using it.

It was quite obvious,

'cause there'd bea dreadlock pubic hair

sitting right there on the bar,you know?

I smoke weed every now

and again,but I don't got Rasta nuts,

so I know it's not mine.

(laughter)

She insisted everythingshe bought had to be organic.

She insisted on it.

Actually, instead of using

a, uh, regular,chemical-based deodorant,

she would use a crystalfor deodorant.

(laughter)You heard this before?

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, you know how it works?

It doesn't, all right?She stunk.

(laughter)She stunk, all right?

Yeah, the crystal...

The crystal doesn't summonsome kind of BO fairy

who magically makes her pits

smell like rainbows, uh-uh.

She was a vegetarianwho magically smelled

like lamb shawarma, all right?

It was horrible,

and it made me hungryand freaked me out.

I didn't like it.

we had this thing

called the DARE program,where police officers would come

to the schoolto teach you about drugs.

Very scary wayto learn about it.

Whenever they'd tryand teach you

about anything risqué--sex or drugs, stuff like that--

they don't really teach youabout them

as much as they just tryand scare you

into never tryingeither of them ever.

The way it would work is,

cop would cometo the front of the class.

And he'd have a mustache, right,'cause that's how they roll.

(laughter)

I can't explain it.That's just their style.

(Southern accent):"Some people will tell you

"that marijuana,also known in the streets

"as pot, weed, herb,

"Buddha, ganja, chronic, Sensei,millet, the sticky-icky-icky,

"trees, loud, Maryjane, SweetLucy, dinky dell, bombaletcha,

"and, in the browner partsof town,

"la planta verde del diablo...

(laughterand scattered applause)

"...is not dangerous.

"Well, I'm here to tell you,if you ever come into contact

"with even secondhandmarijuana smoke,

"you're going to starthallucinating

"and think you can fly.

"You're goingto jump out a window.

"And if you smoked it outside,why, you're just going

"to run inside, find a window,and then jump out of it.

"Then you're goingto be in all this pain.

"How are you goingto deal with the pain?

"You'll haveto start smoking crack,

"and how you going to affordto buy all this crack?

"I'm going to tell you how.

"You have to start sticking(bleep) in your mouth

"in exchange for money.

"So in conclusion,don't do drugs,

"or there will be (bleep)in your mouth.

Now go to recess."

(laughter)

(applause)

Thank you.

Sex ed, you know, basicallythe same thing.

(laughter)

Health teacher comesto the front of the class.

She's got a mustache, all right?

(laughter)

"Some people will tell youthat vaginas...

(applause)

"...also known in the streetsas bearded clam,

"panty hamster, rooster jaws,ninja boot, crotch waffle,

"wizard sleeveand the notorious V-A-G...

(laughter)

"...is not dangerous.

"Well, I'm here to tell you,

"if you ever come into contactwith even secondhand

"(bleep), you're goingto impregnate every woman

"in a five-mile radiuswith quintuplet crack babies.

(laughter)

"And how do you planon supporting

"all these teenylittle crack babies?

"I'm going to tell you how.

"You're going to stick a (bleep)in and around your mouth

"in exchange for money.

"So in conclusion,don't have sex,

"or they'll be (bleep)in your mouth.

Let's go to the cafeteriaand eat some chalupas."

(laughter)

Wonderful.

Beautiful, really. Awesome.

I, uh, wish I was white.

(laughter)

Um, seriously,you guys got it made.

You have advantagesI don't have.

Like, if I'm late for a flight,I can't run into an airport.

(laughter)

I can run in,I just get escorted out.

You know what I mean?

Terrorism paranoiais ridiculous.

That's why I'm doing my partto kill the stereotype.

I'm taking salsadancing lessons.

(laughter)

Yeah, 'cause I want to be knownas the only Arabic-looking guy

who can dance without havingto hold a rifle over his head.

(laughter and applause)

It's weird. I'm scaredof terrorism, too, okay?

But I don't freak outwhen I fly,

'cause ever sinceI was a little kid,

I was always taughtto be calm in an emergency.

Every fire drillI ever had in elementary school,

the teacher always made us getin a single-file line.

You guys remember that?

School's in flames,single-file line.

Alphabetical.My last name is Varghese.

How racist is that?

(laughter)

All the white kids' last names,

like Adams, Barnes, Baxters,Carpenters, out the front door.

(laughter)

Me, the kids Wong and Wang--completely screwed.

(laughter)

(whoosh)

(laughter)

We lost another valedictorian.

(laughter)

(applause)

You know?

(chuckles)

See, my dad prays wheneverthere's a crisis, you know?

He's, like, super-religious.

My dad actuallycollects crosses, you know?

Hanging on the wallin the house.

Like golden crosses,silver crosses, wooden crosses.

You could have, like,the Ku Klux Klan burning a cross

on my dad's front lawn.

Like, he wouldn't care.He'd just walk out there.

(Indian accent):"Hey, when you're donescaring me,

hose that down,bring it inside."

(laughter)

"Hey, take the hood off.

"You can't seewhere you're going.

(laughter)

"Hey, does it piss you offthat your shadow's black?"

(laughter and applause)

Nothing? Okay.

(whooping)

Just think, white people,you have to laugh at that,

'cause if you're not,

I'm, like, "Racist, racist."

(laughter)

"Congressman."

(laughter)

What a zinger.

moved into a new house,

and I went down thereto help them unpack.

It's weird, 'cause I don't haveanything in my house.

I don't own anything.I have nothing in my apartment.

I have a bed and a setof drawers. That's all I got.

It's like the shortest episodeof MTV Cribs ever.

You know what I mean?

Like, you see all those peopleon TV crying

when they lose everything,like, in an apartment fire.

I'd be the worst everto interview, you know?

They're, like, all... You know,they'd lose everything.

They'll be, like, "Paul, uh,sir, uh, what did you lose?"

"Oh, my God.

I got this girl's numbertwo days ago."

(laughter)

It kills me.

So now I'm in the processof trying to buy a new car.

I'm trying to save up moneyto buy a new car.

I don't really knowwhat I want, you know?

Here's the thing.Here's the thing.

I was, like, actually thinking

about buying a convertible,okay?

I thoughtit would be cool, right?

When the weather's good,

you get to drive aroundwith the top down, right?

But then I thought,what if I was at a stoplight?

How would I avoidthe homeless guy?

(laughter)

(laughter continues)

(laughter continues)

(laughter)

(laughter)

This is a long-ass light.

(laughter)

Here's the homeless guy.

"Hey, sir, please,can I have a dollar?

Sir?"

(laughter)

"You got 75 centsin your cup holder."

(laughter)

"Did you just lock the door?"

(laughter)

Right?

I mean, you can't nonchalantlyput the top up, right?

(laughter)

"Watch your fingers."

(laughter)

All right.

You know what's weirdabout that joke...?

I just used the word"nonchalantly."

(laughter)

Seriously, I never use the word"nonchalantly."

You know what's weirdabout the word "nonchalantly"?

Nobody ever uses the word"chalantly."

(laughter)

Like, how did that slip through,right?

Like nonfiction, fiction.

Nobody ever says "chalantly."

Unless you're, like, in Harlem,

and then some mom is screamingfor her kid.

"Chalantly!"

(laughter and applause)

What's up, New York?

(cheering)What's happening?

Yeah, yeah.

Y'all get up for me, man.

I just finished collegeso I'm proud of myself.

You know?

(cheering)Yeah.

I didn't graduate.I just finished.

I didn't graduate.

Yeah, one dayI couldn't find parking.

I'm like, this is my last day.

I ain't got to put upwith this right here.

They want you to do homeworkand park?

I love New York, though.

Y'all are rough up here, man.

Woo, I'm black and I couldn't

even scare an old white lady.

Y'all thugged out up here.

That's why I wantto let you know,

if I say somethingabout you tonight,

I'm just playing,joke's not funny outside,

you want up on me after theshow, you're going to jail,

I will press chargeson your ass.

Because I am not no fighter.

I am too small to fight.

I weigh 140.

This is not thug weightright here.

I want to be a thug,but I'm ticklish.

You can't be no thugif you're ticklish, you know?

And I wear my seat belt.

You don't look gangsterwith your seat belt on.

Hell, that's why I letthe ladies know.

You looking for a hero,

somebody who is going to defendyour honor, call your brothers.

They know you longer than I did.

This is not it.

If I'm in the club with you

and a man touch your ass?

A man just touch your ass.

That's all that is, girl.

I'll be like, girl, take it.That's a compliment. Shoot.

He touched my ass, too, I ain'tsay nothing but thank you, James

and kept walking.

That mean he like us.

Get two drinks, shoot.

(laughter)

That's why I don't breakthe law.

This is not jail physique.

'Cause if I go to jail and bestraight, somebody's girlfriend,

I ain't ready for no commitmentright now,

you know what I'm saying?

I ain't leaving no steadyrelationship,

soon as I walk in there somebodytrying to sleep with me already.

I'm like, damn, playa,slow down.

Let me see who else in here.

Why you rushing now?

I got five years.

Let me get to know you first.

Let's work out together.

What cell you in?

Buy me some cigarettes,I ain't easy, shoot.

But that's the thing, man,I get jealous.

Because women,y'all could be gay and quit.

That is amazing.

(cheering)You know?

Women can be gayfor like a whole year

and if it don't work out,they could come back to men

and fellas, we don't even care.

We just act like they wenton vacation, we be like,

"How was it? You have a goodtime? What y'all was doing?"

Any woman in here could tellher man she used to be gay.

He won't lose no sleep tonight.

She could be like,you know what, back in college,

me and my girlfriend Kelly gothome from a party, we got drunk.

You know,we started messing around.

We, you know, we made out.It was cool.

The men will be like,"For real? For real?

"You still talkto your girlfriend?

Y'all still cool?"

But can't no man pull that off.

You can't be like,"You know John, right?

"We was coming

from a Knicks game, you know..."

Relationship over, you know.

I like this audience.

It's so diverse in here, man.

You got white people,black people,

you know, Asians, and Hispanics;this is beautiful, man.

(cheering)I love it.

I love performingfor all types of people.

Yeah, man, I love this, man.

Because we're all the samepeople, man.

We get caught up in all thesestereotypes in this country.

Like if a white boy rap,he trying to be black.

If a black man work,he trying to be white.

You know, it's all...

Some brothers work.

Some of us work, you know.

They got stereotypes like,all white people crazy.

I got a white friend.He ain't crazy, you know?

They got stereotypes likeall black people sell drugs.

That is so stupid.

How all of us goingto sell drugs?

Not all black peoplesell drugs, okay?

'Cause some of us just cook it.

You got to work your way upto be a salesman, you know.

(cheering)You know.

You got to be a lookout,a bagger.

You don't get on the blockjust like that, you know?

They don't give you a long,white T-shirt on your first day.

That take a long time, you know?

Anybody laughing at that joke,you buy drugs.

That's why you knowwhat they wear.

Because we allthe same people, man.

We just made different choiceswith God.

That's why we look different.

I'm going to tell youwhat happened a long time ago.

We made different choiceswith God

and he blessed uswith what we wanted.

White girl went to God.God said, "What would you like?

"Long, silky beautiful hairor a big ass?"

White girl say, "You know what?I don't want to walkaround Earth

"with no big old ass.

"Give me some long,silky, beautiful hair.

pH-balanced, yeah."

God was like, "There you go."

Now a black girl went up to God

and he said,"What would you like?"

Long, silky, beautiful hair,or a big ass?"

Black girl's like, "Shoot,

Give me some ass 'causeI can buy hair for $14.99.

I could buy hair."

(cheering and applause)

See, now they got hairand an ass, white girl.

Even with the blackand white man.

We made different choices.

That's why we look different.

White man went to God. God said,"What would you like a big...

or good credit?"

(laughter)

White man said, "You know what,

"one day I want to live in agood neighborhood, Long Island.

"You know, I want to bein a good neighborhood.

"I want to raise a family.

"Give me good credit.

Yeah, I want a mortgage, yeah."

God was like, "There you go."

Now a black man went up to God

and God say, "What would youlike a big... or good credit?"

Black man was like,"Well, shoot.

"Give me a big mmm,'cause if I use it right,

"that white girl'sgonna buy me a house,you know what I'm saying?"

(laughter and applause)

Well... that's it.

(laughter)

Yeah, I don't really do likea big exploding joke at the end

or nothing,'cause, uh, it's a job.

(laughter)

And I treat it just likeyou treat your job.

Because whatever it is you do

for eight hours a day,right before you clock out,

you don't start doing yoursextra good, do you?

You just clock out, right?

(cheering and applause)

Yeah!Yeah.

(cheering)I got to drive

around the citya little bit today.

Lot of fun.

Yeah. Lot of fun.

Real quick, does everyone hereknow it's a right turn on red?

(laughter)

In this country?Jersey.

Is it just me who gets stuckbehind the one guy

who won't take the right turnon red?

Well, you try to catch his eyein the rearview mirror?

You're like honking your horn,rolling your...

"Dude!

It's a right turn on red!"

And just then the old ladywith the walker comes out

from in front of the truck.

And you're immediatelythe biggest jackass

on the entire planet.

You know that... ah!

I have trouble with cars.

I learned in my carthat I, uh...

could not have children.

It was the day that I lockedmy keys in my car

with the engine running.

It's unbelievable.

You're sitting there lookingat this car.

It's running, locked.

You're like,"So, that just happened."

Well, this gene pool stops here.

I'm definitely not breedingafter that.

I thought about it, and there'sonly one level more stupid,

and that would be had I noteven parked the car.

I just barrel-rolled outand was like,

"That car can gowhere it wants."

I got to get some shoes.

I know, I can't have kids

because I, I can't even rememberto bring my leftovers in

from the car when I get homefrom the restaurant.

And my car stinkslike Chinese food.

I just know if I had a kid,I'd wake up one morning.

"Ah, man, I left Billyin the car.

Ah, dude,that's going to smell."

(laughter)

I'm saying I'm not doing that.

I did think about adopting...

uh, an 18-year-old girlfrom Thailand

whose hobbies include vacuumingand some light dusting.

I can't feed a kid.

I can't even feed myself.

I got home recently one night.

It's like 3:00 in the morning.

I'm a little drunk.I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm, uh, laying in bed,watching TV,

eating, uh, Ben & Jerry'sChocolate Fudge Brownie.

Uh, about three, three spoonfulsin, it's going fantastic,

right up to the pointwhere I fell asleep.

Slash passed out.

Because when I woke up there wasa giant brown puddle...

(laughter)

...on my chest.

But you know when you wake up

with a hangover, you're not sureexactly where you are.

Or what just happened.

So, when I woke up,I was like...

(sighing)

Oh, no, I've (bleep) my chest.

How would (bleep) even get outfrom in between my ribcage?

I'm gonna need some insurance.

How many knowthat's a true story?

(laughter)

(laughs)

That's why this is the greatestjob on the entire planet.

'Cause it's truly the only jobwhere you can tell

the most horribly, disgusting,

embarrassing storiesabout yourself

and it actually helpsyour career, you know?

Like you don't wantto be sitting

in your dentist's office

on a Monday morningreading a magazine

and have him comejust staggering in.

"Hey!

"Wow.

"Woo, I just woke upin the dumpster.

"Pretty sure I had sexwith a bag full of trash.

"Root canal?

Come on in the back."

Let me see if I can get myvision clear. It's really...

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