Dana Gould discusses the difficulties of reasoning with children, and John Evans talks about looking like Count Chocula.
which is a-- it's funny.
L.A. is a really liberal city,
but it's very hypocritical
in what it choosesto be liberal about.
Like, you can drive around L.A.,see a guy wearing lipstick
and high heels and a fur coat,masturbating into a mailbox.
People giving him a hard time:"Hey, is that real fur?!"
So, uh, contrary to whatyou probably think of me,
I'm actuallya responsible adult.
I'm married. I have kids.
We have two daughters.
Our girls are adopted.They're from China.
When we first told my mother
that we were adopting kidsfrom China,
it promptedthe insightful question,
"Are you goingto teach them English?"
And honestly, we got thatfrom more than one person.
They learn the languagethat they grew up around.
You know, the Chineseisn't loaded in like an iMac.
Uh, I mean, I make funof my family a lot,
but obviously,I'm just like them.
I'm a lot like my dad.
Like my father,I have two basic emotions:
rage and suppressed rage.
It's better now, though.
I'm married.I have my own family.
For a successful marriage--this is an interesting thing--
to stay married successfully,I had to learn how to fight.
Yeah, because I'm a verynon-confrontational person.
I do not like conflict.
My whole approachto marriage was simple.
My wife will do somethingthat drives me insane,
I won't say anything,
and then later,I'll die of cancer.
But you can't do that.
You've got to get in thereand mix it up, you know?
It's always the little things.
It's never a major dealthat blows the fight up.
Like, when my wife sends meto the store--
Let's just call it what it is.
"When I choose to goto the store...
"of my own volition...
with my wife's list..."
But my wife is very clever,
and on the listshe will often include
several items that don't exist.
Just to keep me out of the houseand looking
just that much longer.
I end up wanderingthe aisles going,
"Yeah, do you havemaple-flavored vodka pops?"
"Yeah, I'm trying to findSunny Harvest Li'l Cobra Bites."
And then you come home and youjust have that head of steam,
and thenit's whatever sets you off.
"Why did you buy cupcake mixand not buy cupcake tin liners?"
"Because I'm not a ... damncupcake expert, that's why.
"You know who you married.
"I buy my cupcakes made.
I don't make my own cupcakeslike some kind of animal."
And you'd thinkthat would be enough.
"Screw you." "Screw you."
The fight's over.We can go on with our lives.
See, that's the interestingthing about my wife and I.
The thing we have in common:we both have to win.
So two hours later
where most people have gone onwith their lives,
we're still down in the kitchenslugging it out,
throwing everything we haveat each other,
staggering on the ropeslike Stallone and Carl Weathers
at the end of Rocky II.
"Wait a minute.Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me just... let me justget this right, okay."
"So you're saying that
"if you died and came backas a turtle,
"that I wouldn't feed you.
I-Is that what you're saying?"
"I would feed you lettuce..."
I would oil your shell."
"Get your motherto oil your shell."
And it's harder with childrenbecause...
the only thing I have isreason, you know?
You can't go to reasonwith a kid.
My daughter will be sayingshe's hungry, and I'll be like,
"Buddy, you're not hungry.You're just bored.
"Do you understand?
"And you're already starting offa pattern
"of satisfyingan internal disconnect
"with an external stimulation,
"and that's a dead-end road,sweetie.
"Courtney Love liveson that road.
"You don't wantto live on that road.
"Do you understandwhat I'm saying?
Or are you going to hidebehind being four all year?"
Because the minute you thinkthat they have reason,
they are the worst peoplein the world.
My daughter will come--"Daddy, I want a cheese stick."
"All right, sweetie,tell you what.
"Let's not havea cheese stick now
"because we're goingto bed in an hour
"and we always havea cup of milk at bedtime.
Let's wait an hourand then we'll have our milk."
"Daddy, I want a cheese stick."
"I know, honey, but let's wait.It'll be better.
Let's have milk in an hour."
"Daddy, I want a..."
"Daddy, I want a cheese stick.""No."
"Daddy, I want..."Finally, after 45 minutes,
I'm like, "Okay, you win, okay,
"but let's do this.
"If we have cheese sticks now,
"we're going to bedin 15 minutes,
so let's not have milkat bedtime, okay?"
"So we'll haveour cheese stick now
and then in 15 minuteswe won't have milk."
"And you're good?""I'm good."
She eats her cheese stick.
"Daddy, I want milk."
"You (bleep), you (bleep),you knew you wanted milk!
"You always plannedon asking me for milk!
"You just played melike I'm some kind of (bleep).
"You think I suckbecause I don't go off to work
"in the morninglike the other dads.
"My job is precious!
"The world needs clowns,you know!
"You think I'm a loser
"because Mommy makes more moneythan I do?
My (bleep) is as bigas anybody's, Jack."
But you can't go
to that place with a kid.
That's why I love New York City,lots of energy here.
I'm a native New Yorker;born and raised in the Bronx.
Some of you made it out.
I love being from New York.
And I realize whypeople love coming here.
You know, it's because of allthe crazy stuff that happens.
'Cause this is a crazy city,
but we don't realize itbecause we're New Yorkers.
Just doesn't evenfaze us anymore.
Like the other day,
I saw a homeless guyplaying with his nipples.
Middle of Fifth Avenue, just...
Lifted his shirt up to here.
'Cause that's how you do.
And just, head back.
And you could tellwho the tourists were,
'cause they're walking by going,"Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
That is appalling."
(makes clicking noise)
"He's touchinghis nipples, Beth.
"They're not gonnabelieve this back home.
How many exposuresdoes this have?"
It's the one city,though, I think,
New York is that one city
where you wake up and youactually want to fight someone.
Ever have that?
Yeah, you know whatI'm talking about?
Like, you wake upand you're like,
"Please, let someonestart with me today.
"Please. I just...
got to fight someone."
And the other day, I was in thatmood, and I get on the train.
I'm trying to talk myself outof it, 'cause what am I, crazy?
I want to fight somebody?
I can't even fight.
And I saw this woman, she lookedlike a friend of mine,
so I waved to her,and I'm like, "Hey."
And it wasn't my friend.
So now I have to justify it,and I'm like, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
you look just likeone of my best friends."
And she goes,"I don't look like anyone!"
So in my head,I was like, "Yes!"
'Cause now I get to fight her.
So then I say to her,I'm like, "That's so weird,
'cause the girl you look likeis a bitch, too."
In our high-stakes gameof attitude poker,
she gave me the pair,
I gave her the royal flush.
I was like, "No, no.
"I've played before.
And I do play to win."
When I was single,I had all these troubles,
because I have one of thosefaces that just says...
♪ If you're crazyand you know it, ask me out ♪
♪ If your mama never loved you,buy me lunch ♪
Sit down and discussyour childhood.
Fun, fun, fun.
Actually, I actuallyhave a boyfriend now.
Women love me.
And now we've beentogether a while now.
We're actuallytrying to have a baby.
I'm gonna tell him real soon.
I'm gonna tell him that.
I'm gonna tell him that...
He's gonna be a great dad.He just doesn't know it yet.
Just... I'm just kidding.
I'm not gonna tell him.
That would completely andutterly ruin the surprise.
I got mugged.
(chuckles):Which is not funny.
One person laughed.Here's what happened.
The guy, he grabbedmy makeup case, and I thought,
"Great, I'm getting muggedby a drag queen.
Only in New York."
Then he grabbed my bag,and he was like,
"I'm gonna hit you!"
So then I said,
"If you hit me,you better knock me out."
Which was stupid.
Don't ever giveyour mugger that option.
Turns out, that was his planin the first place.
So he went to hit me,but I can take a punch.
I went to public school.I know what's coming.
And he hit me, and I went backlike one of those clowns
you had as a kid, like,you punch and it goes back.
I got real cocky.
I was like,"Is that all you got?"
But there was another arm Ishould've been looking out for.
That other onecame out of nowhere.
And this guy lifted meup off the floor
and tossed me asidelike nothing.
And the whole timehe's picking me up,
the only thoughtgoing through my head was,
"Oh, my God, I must havelost so much weight.
"Did you see how he threw me?
"I'm so skinny.
I'm so skinny right now."
And I'm starting to get tired ofpretending I'm happy for them.
Seems kind of patheticfor these guys.
I mean, these are grown men.
All of a sudden,they have to start
asking for permissionbefore they do stuff.
They're constantlyapologizing for things.
They don't know what for.
They're just stuck on repeat.
"Sorry, sorry,sorry, sorry, sorry."
And as soon as they get married,
they all get thesebig old guts on them.
That's not from drinking beer.
That's fromswallowing pride, okay?
That's a pride belly.
They're always trying to set meup with girls, though.
And for some reason,the girls always wear glasses,
just like me. Yeah.
I don't know what kind ofracist crap that is.
Oh, that's great.
Let's hook upand not see things together.
I'm not into that.
I'm not into girlswho look like me.
I'm more of an opposites attractkind of guy.
Like, the other day,I run into a girl.
Not only is she wearing glasses,
but she's, like, my completefemale equivalent, right?
Short, brown hair,all Jewy in the face.
It wasn't good.
And really,thanks but no thanks.
I'm trying to do betterthan all this.
I think it's only naturalto look for the upgrade, right?
I mean, you don't think the...think the lonely pigeon
doesn't dream of someday
soaring withthe majestic eagle, huh?
You think the platypuswouldn't rather
hump some morelegitimate mammal?
I'm sure he would, all right?
He's an egg-laying beaver duck,
the pre-op transvestiteof the animal kingdom.
His life sucks.I can do better.
And the other thing is,
when you date someone,that is a potential mate.
That's someone that you mightsomeday have kids with.
And personally, I'm not tryingto double all these genes.
I mean, how much shorter
and blinder could our kidspossibly get?
I'm gonna go hook up with someother short, nearsighted chick?
We're not gonna have kids,we're gonna have a bunch of
freaky little mole babies,you know?
Sure, it'll be easyto get them into college,
but they keepburrowing up the yard,
lowering the property value,and I can't have that.
Here's a little advicefor you guys.
Never hire a clownnamed Molesto.
Don't do it.
I mean it, for real.
So I was, uh, just livingin San Francisco.
That's a weird place
'cause they still have hippiesthere for some reason.
(clapping)I don't know whythey still have hippies.
That's not somethingto applaud about.
(laughter)Uh, seriously,why is that group around?
That's the only group that hassurvived the '80s, right?
You never run into a beatnik,never see
a freaking flapper Charlestoningit down the street, you know?
For some reason,we still got hippies.
I made the mistakeof moving in with a hippie.
Hippie roommate.Horrible mistake.
Apparently, when they say peaceand love, what they really mean
is filthy and annoying.(laughter)
They are terrible people,horrible folks.
We shared a bathroom.We shared a bathroom.
I had a soap.That was established.
It was my soap,so please don't use it,
but I could tellshe was using it.
It was quite obvious,
'cause there'd bea dreadlock pubic hair
sitting right there on the bar,you know?
I smoke weed every now
and again,but I don't got Rasta nuts,
so I know it's not mine.
She insisted everythingshe bought had to be organic.
She insisted on it.
Actually, instead of using
a, uh, regular,chemical-based deodorant,
she would use a crystalfor deodorant.
(laughter)You heard this before?
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, you know how it works?
It doesn't, all right?She stunk.
(laughter)She stunk, all right?
Yeah, the crystal...
The crystal doesn't summonsome kind of BO fairy
who magically makes her pits
smell like rainbows, uh-uh.
She was a vegetarianwho magically smelled
like lamb shawarma, all right?
It was horrible,
and it made me hungryand freaked me out.
I didn't like it.
we had this thing
called the DARE program,where police officers would come
to the schoolto teach you about drugs.
Very scary wayto learn about it.
Whenever they'd tryand teach you
about anything risqué--sex or drugs, stuff like that--
they don't really teach youabout them
as much as they just tryand scare you
into never tryingeither of them ever.
The way it would work is,
cop would cometo the front of the class.
And he'd have a mustache, right,'cause that's how they roll.
I can't explain it.That's just their style.
(Southern accent):"Some people will tell you
"that marijuana,also known in the streets
"as pot, weed, herb,
"Buddha, ganja, chronic, Sensei,millet, the sticky-icky-icky,
"trees, loud, Maryjane, SweetLucy, dinky dell, bombaletcha,
"and, in the browner partsof town,
"la planta verde del diablo...
(laughterand scattered applause)
"...is not dangerous.
"Well, I'm here to tell you,if you ever come into contact
"with even secondhandmarijuana smoke,
"you're going to starthallucinating
"and think you can fly.
"You're goingto jump out a window.
"And if you smoked it outside,why, you're just going
"to run inside, find a window,and then jump out of it.
"Then you're goingto be in all this pain.
"How are you goingto deal with the pain?
"You'll haveto start smoking crack,
"and how you going to affordto buy all this crack?
"I'm going to tell you how.
"You have to start sticking(bleep) in your mouth
"in exchange for money.
"So in conclusion,don't do drugs,
"or there will be (bleep)in your mouth.
Now go to recess."
Sex ed, you know, basicallythe same thing.
Health teacher comesto the front of the class.
She's got a mustache, all right?
"Some people will tell youthat vaginas...
"...also known in the streetsas bearded clam,
"panty hamster, rooster jaws,ninja boot, crotch waffle,
"wizard sleeveand the notorious V-A-G...
"...is not dangerous.
"Well, I'm here to tell you,
"if you ever come into contactwith even secondhand
"(bleep), you're goingto impregnate every woman
"in a five-mile radiuswith quintuplet crack babies.
"And how do you planon supporting
"all these teenylittle crack babies?
"I'm going to tell you how.
"You're going to stick a (bleep)in and around your mouth
"in exchange for money.
"So in conclusion,don't have sex,
"or they'll be (bleep)in your mouth.
Let's go to the cafeteriaand eat some chalupas."
Beautiful, really. Awesome.
I, uh, wish I was white.
Um, seriously,you guys got it made.
You have advantagesI don't have.
Like, if I'm late for a flight,I can't run into an airport.
I can run in,I just get escorted out.
You know what I mean?
Terrorism paranoiais ridiculous.
That's why I'm doing my partto kill the stereotype.
I'm taking salsadancing lessons.
Yeah, 'cause I want to be knownas the only Arabic-looking guy
who can dance without havingto hold a rifle over his head.
(laughter and applause)
It's weird. I'm scaredof terrorism, too, okay?
But I don't freak outwhen I fly,
'cause ever sinceI was a little kid,
I was always taughtto be calm in an emergency.
Every fire drillI ever had in elementary school,
the teacher always made us getin a single-file line.
You guys remember that?
School's in flames,single-file line.
Alphabetical.My last name is Varghese.
How racist is that?
All the white kids' last names,
like Adams, Barnes, Baxters,Carpenters, out the front door.
Me, the kids Wong and Wang--completely screwed.
We lost another valedictorian.
See, my dad prays wheneverthere's a crisis, you know?
He's, like, super-religious.
My dad actuallycollects crosses, you know?
Hanging on the wallin the house.
Like golden crosses,silver crosses, wooden crosses.
You could have, like,the Ku Klux Klan burning a cross
on my dad's front lawn.
Like, he wouldn't care.He'd just walk out there.
(Indian accent):"Hey, when you're donescaring me,
hose that down,bring it inside."
"Hey, take the hood off.
"You can't seewhere you're going.
"Hey, does it piss you offthat your shadow's black?"
(laughter and applause)
Just think, white people,you have to laugh at that,
'cause if you're not,
I'm, like, "Racist, racist."
What a zinger.
moved into a new house,
and I went down thereto help them unpack.
It's weird, 'cause I don't haveanything in my house.
I don't own anything.I have nothing in my apartment.
I have a bed and a setof drawers. That's all I got.
It's like the shortest episodeof MTV Cribs ever.
You know what I mean?
Like, you see all those peopleon TV crying
when they lose everything,like, in an apartment fire.
I'd be the worst everto interview, you know?
They're, like, all... You know,they'd lose everything.
They'll be, like, "Paul, uh,sir, uh, what did you lose?"
"Oh, my God.
I got this girl's numbertwo days ago."
It kills me.
So now I'm in the processof trying to buy a new car.
I'm trying to save up moneyto buy a new car.
I don't really knowwhat I want, you know?
Here's the thing.Here's the thing.
I was, like, actually thinking
about buying a convertible,okay?
I thoughtit would be cool, right?
When the weather's good,
you get to drive aroundwith the top down, right?
But then I thought,what if I was at a stoplight?
How would I avoidthe homeless guy?
This is a long-ass light.
Here's the homeless guy.
"Hey, sir, please,can I have a dollar?
"You got 75 centsin your cup holder."
"Did you just lock the door?"
I mean, you can't nonchalantlyput the top up, right?
"Watch your fingers."
You know what's weirdabout that joke...?
I just used the word"nonchalantly."
Seriously, I never use the word"nonchalantly."
You know what's weirdabout the word "nonchalantly"?
Nobody ever uses the word"chalantly."
Like, how did that slip through,right?
Like nonfiction, fiction.
Nobody ever says "chalantly."
Unless you're, like, in Harlem,
and then some mom is screamingfor her kid.
(laughter and applause)