The Half Hour
Season 3

Rachel Feinstein

  • Season 3, Ep 10
  • 07/11/2014

Rachel Feinstein discusses her postcoital behavior, her embarrassing mother and her mortal fear of marrying a theater teacher named Richard.

One of our big fights was,

he would get mad at me,'cause I liked to joke

immediately after sex.

I just feel likeit's a good time for some jokes.

I don't thinkthere needs to be any

gentle gazing periodafter sex. Uh...

I don't like to doany soft gazing.

I just feel like,

sex is doneand now it's joke time.

(smacks lips)

I like to throw changeon a man after sex.

That's very funny to me,personally.

Uh...

I just...

I just like to take some coinsand toss them...

on his dumb, naked,

post-sex, man-body.

And say something like,

"Shh. Less is moreout of you, okay?

"You take those coinsand you keep your mouth shut

"about what's happenedin this room, all right?

"Because,what happened right here,

"is disgusting, okay?

"Why don't you go outand buy yourself

"something special.

Because you're beautiful."

I also like to pretend, like,the guy tricked me into the sex.

Uh...(laughs)

Like, the moment it's done,

I'm just slowly realizing

it's all been a big ruse.

And I'm kind of obsessed

with tho-those old filmsfrom the '40s.

Uh... so, the momentsex is done,

I like to be like,

(Mid-Atlantic accent):"Well, I don't understand

"what that all had to do with

"helping the children.

"You said, if we didall them awful things,

"those children wouldget their cure for polio.

"It was all a lie, wasn't it?

"Those children are no better,

"for the godless things

"I've done in this room,are they?

"It was a big lie

"and now,look at me laying here,

all covered in sin."

I just feel like the right guyis gonna be like,

"Hey, listen up, Sugar Tits.

"Those children never hada goddamn chance.

"They are mangled with polio,as we speak.

Now, clean yourself up,for Christ sake."

I... (laughs)

I'm okay, for maybe six minutes

and then, I just feelweirdly furious.

(applause, whistling)

(cheering)

And then, I feel guilty

about the wild levelof hostility that I'm feeling.

I was talking to my friendabout this, I'm like,

"Do you ever get like thatwhen you go home?"

And he goes, "Oh, yeah."

He goes,"Do you know what I realized?

"I realized, if my momwasn't my mom,

I don't even thinkI'd be friends with her."

Right?

I'm like,"Really, that was

your big realization?"

I'm like, "Obviously,that'd be very weird,

"if you just had thisintense relationship

with some middle-aged,diabetic woman in Pennsylvania."

You would just go fly and seeher on the weekends sometimes.

And she would bother youabout getting health insurance.

And you'd be like,

"Well, uh...this was great Sharon. Um...

"let's do it againin about five months;

"that's whatI'm comfortable with.

"And, uh, next timewhen you're feeding me

"and I've told you repeatedlythat I'm full,

I'm gonna ask you to startrespecting that, Sharon."

My mom's just,really embarrassing.

Hew newest thingshe's doing is...

well, she likes totalk to every stranger.

She just likes tosort of stop people

and have these kind of,sassy moments with them.

They're not havingthe moments with her, uh...

...they're oftenlistening to her

with this sort of a stance.

Like, we were outat this Latin restaurant.

I felt so bad for the guy,because, I was like,

"He has no idea,what's about to happen to him

right now."Like...

Like, my mom likes to kind of,she likes to let people know

that she's just, she's kind of

down with everything,you know? So...

He comes over to our table,

he says something so reasonable.I was like,

"He has no ideawhat's about to happen."

He just told her, they were,they were very slammed

and that, and thathe needed a moment.

Here's my mother'sunacceptable

response to that, she goes,

(Midwestern accent):"Oh, please, take your time!

I lived in Californiain the 1960s."

I'm like, "What the (bleep)does that mean?

What in God's namejust happened?"

She will not stop doing that"California thing" to people;

I've begged her.

No one knows what to do withthat. They just...

It's so genuinely confusingfor people.

It seems so easy to be a womenwhen you watch those films.

The women in those old films

never had to do anything.

They were justthese wild morons.

They were alwayslost in the woods,

doing a lot of crawling,it seemed like.

Like, they were so dumb

they sort of scared themselves.

And the... the men wouldhave to go find them,

like they were some kind of,like, a pet that got away.

They'd be like,"Don't you run off like that.

You know that brain'snot made for thinking!"

And they'd be like, "Oh, Johnny.

"Well, it was realscary-like out there.

"And I tried to do all sortsof things on my own, Johnny,

"like have opinions.Real opinions.

And you weren't there to beat mewith the opinion stick, Johnny."

"Oh, it's scary out here.

"I just want to go homeand make cupcakes and giggle.

"I love giggling, Johnny.

"Oh, it was scary out here.

"I'm very scared.

Oh, Johnny, never leavethat screen open again."

That's how she gets out.

She gets out through the screen.

The same thing could happento your women tonight.

You have to be very careful.

You gotta fasten that...that screen

or they're gonna escapeand form opinions.

If you don't fasten the screen,they will escape

and you'll have to find themand thrash them

with the opinion stick.

I also like that, at that time,

men would always orderfor women in restaurants.

They actually believedthat-that women

were probably too dumb

to know whattheir own stomachs wanted.

There's probably a broadthat got a little cocky,

a little out of line.

She tried to order for herselfone night, like,

"I think I'll havethe pot roast."

And some guy was like,"Goddamn it, Sally! Shit!

"What the (bleep) just happened?

"You've humiliated me now!

"In front of the waiter

"and God knowswho else heard, Sally.

"Come to think of it, how haveyou even gotten outside?

"You definitely should not be

"sitting in front of meright now.

"Ordering for yourselfis an opinion,

"and you'll be thrashed severely

for this shit, Sally!"

I'm afraid that, like...

You know in the movies, whenevera woman'll finally leave

some animal that's beenabusing her? They always

have her end up with a soft,bearded theater teacher.

I think that'smy worst fear in life.

That I'm just gonnaget real tired.

I'll end up with some guythat wears

a lot of corduroyand mock turtlenecks.

And, like,a lot of beaded jewelry.

There... There's nothingthat grosses me out more

than a man with a necklace on

with some sort of a storybehind it.

No one wants to see your amulet

and hear aboutthe strength it gives you.

It's disgusting.

I'm afraid of ending up

with just some bearded mannamed Richard.

He just speaks in, like,a therapist's whisper, like,

(softspoken man's voice):"Hi, my name's Richard.

"I don't like to be called Rick.

I prefer Richard."

I feel like Richard wouldn'teven have a man's body.

He'd just take off his clothes,

and there'd be, like,a calming smear

that I'm forcedto have sex with.

Richard would have the bodyof a melting candle.

And he would do the oppositeof talking dirty.

I feel like Richard wouldjust interrupt sex

to touch base a lot.

You'd be in the middle of sexand he would just stop like,

"Hey, there. Hey.

"How's it feelingover there, huh?

"Just wanted to seehow everything was going

"over there in your court, huh?

"Thought maybe we couldstop here and process

"what's happened so far.

"Take a little break,

"and-and have some soup.

Would you like that?"

I feel likethere's an important difference.

(whooping, applause)

I think... I think a doucheis way worse than a tool.

Like, I...

A douche is likesome guy named Chad,

and his parents havea lake house, and...

And he likes to (bleep) girlsthere side by side

next to his best friend Tucker,

and they high-five whilethey're (bleep) them, you know?

Like...

But I feel like a tool is notas bad as a douche.

Like, if you could reada transcript

of a douche's thoughts,you'd be furious by the time

it was over, you know,but a tool's thoughts would

just be more mildand oblivious.

Like, a tool would justkind of be, like...

(speaking gibberish)

"Game seven nah, nah, nah.

I like to wear socks and flip-flops and..."

(muttering gibberish)

"I wear my shorts all year round'cause I'm an individual."

(mutters gibberish)

"Where are my sunglasses?

Oh, yeah, they're on the backof my neck."

Thank you guys.Thank you so much.

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