October 27, 2014 - Meredith Vieira

  • 10/27/2014

The Ebola virus arrives in New York City, Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert argues against gays in the military, and Meredith Vieira discusses "The Meredith Vieira Show."

(EAGLE CAW)>> Stephen: TONIGHT, EBOLA

ARRIVES IN MANHATTAN, BUT CANONLY AFFORD TO LIVE IN QUEENS.

(LAUGHTER)THEN HOW ARE GAY SOLDIERS

HARMING OUR MILITARY?

IF YOU DON'T ASK, I'LLSTILL TELL YOU.

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUEST, MEREDITH VIEIRA IS

STARTING HER OWN TALK SHOW AFTERELEVEN SEASONS HOSTING "WHO

WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE." IGUESS THEY

FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE WHO WANTEDTO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

(LAUGHTER)DUNKIN' DONUTS SAYS THEIR

CROISSANT DOUGHNUT IS NOT ACRONUT.

BUT THEY'RE STICKING TO THEIRWILD CLAIM THAT IT'S BREAKFAST.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS "THE COLBERT REPORT"!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THEREPORT"!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU SO MUCH!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT." HOME OFTHE THUNDERING CALVES

FOLKS, IT IS GOOD TO HAVE YOUWITH US. FOR NOW.

IT'S DAY 29 OF AMERICA'S EBOLACRISIS.

JESUS!

OKAY.

PLEASE.

(LAUGHTER)JIMMY?

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)THIS THING IS GOING TO KILL US

ALL.

OF COURSE, I HAVE BEEN TRACKINGTHE VIRUS ON MY SEXY C.D.C.

TECHNICIAN CALENDAR.

I WOULD NOT MIND CATCHINGWHAT THAT GUY'S GOT.

I AM NOT -- I AM NOT -- I AM NOTSOMETHING.

I'M SURE I'LL GET TO IT IN AMINUTE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW I'M NOT ONE OF THESE

FEAR-MONGERERS WHO WILL TELLYOU THAT EVERYBODY IS GOING TO

DIE.

JUST 90% OF YOU.

(LAUGHTER)THE OTHER 10% WILL LIVE IN A

POST-APOCALYPTIC AFTERSCAPERULED BY GANGS OF PSYCHOPATHIC

BIKER CHICKS WHO SERVE THE SPICELORD TARGOTH.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE THE EBOLA CRISIS JUST

HIT AMERICA WHERE WE LIVE.

IF BY "WE" YOU MEAN "I."

>> EBOLA HAS COME TO NEW YORK!

EBOLA NOW IN AMERICA'S LARGESTCITY.

>> A CONFIRMED CASE OF EBOLA INTHE HEART OF NEW YORK CITY.

>> Stephen: EBOLA HAS COME TONEW YORK!

AND IF THEY CAN SPREAD IT HERE,THEY'LL SPREAD IT EVERYWHERE!

(LAUGHTER)(SINGING)

>> I DON'T KNOW ALL THE WORDS TOTHAT SONG.

I'LL ADMIT IT.

BEFORE, I WASN'T REALLY WORRIEDBECAUSE EBOLA WAS ONLY IN

FARAWAY PLACES I'LL NEVER GO,LIKE LIBERIA OR DALLAS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NOW, THE (BLEEP) HAS HIT THE

FAN.

WHICH IS THE NUMBER-ONE WAY TOSPREAD EBOLA!

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: I'VE JUST GOT TOCALM DOWN!

I'LL JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND GOTO MY HAPPY PLACE.

JESUS!

WHY DID I MAKE MY HAPPY PLACELIBERIA?!

NOW, THE PATIENT WHO'S KEEPINGTHE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS AWAKE

AT NIGHT IS A DOCTOR WHO JUSTRETURNED FROM TREATING EBOLA

PATIENTS IN GUINEA.

HE KNEW HE WAS AT RISK, SO UPONRETURNING FROM AFRICA, HE STAYED

HOME FROM WORK.

WHICH THOUGHTFULLY KEPT HIMAWAY FROM HIS CO-WORKERS...

AND GAVE HIM PLENTY OF TIME TOEXPLORE THIS MAGNIFICENT CITY!

>> OFFICIALS ARE NOW TRACING HISFAIRLY EXTENSIVE MOVEMENTS IN

THE HOURS BEFORE HIS DIAGNOSIS.

>> SPENCER STOPPED HERE IN THEGREENWICH VILLAGE AT THE

MEATBALL SHOP.

>> HE VISITED THE HIGH LINE, AVERY POPULAR TOURIST DESTINATION

HERE.

>> WEDNESDAY, HE GOES ON ATHREE-MILE RUN.

>> Stephen: A THREE-MILE RUN?

HE WORKS OUT MORE THAN I DOWITHOUT EBOLA.

(LAUGHTER)AND THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.

>> WE JUST FOUND OUT HE RODEPUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

>> HE RODE TWO, MAYBE THREEDIFFERENT SUBWAYS.

>> Stephen: GREAT!

EBOLA SPREADS BY TOUCHING BLOODOR FECES -- THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY

TWO SEATING OPTIONS ON THESUBWAY!

(LAUGHTER)THANKFULLY, THIS WON'T HAPPEN

AGAIN BECAUSE, ON FRIDAY,NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRIS

CHRISTIE AND NEW YORKGOVERNOR -- UH, ONE OF THE

CUOMOS -- HARPO?

(LAUGHTER)-- ANNOUNCED BOTH STATES WOULD

ENFORCE A MANDATORY 21-DAYQUARANTINE FOR ANYONE WHO HAS

COME INTO CONTACT WITH EBOLAPATIENTS, EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO

SYMPTOMS -- WHICH, I HEAR, ISTHE FIRST SYMPTOM.

(LAUGHTER)LEADING TO THE IMMEDIATE

QUARANTINE OF A NURSE RETURNINGFROM EBOLA-STRICKEN SIERRA

LEONE, KACI HICKOX, WHO, AFTERLANDING AT NEWARK AIRPORT,

UNDERWENT HOURS OFINTERROGATION, AND WHEN A

FOREHEAD SCANNER RECORDED HERTEMPERATURE AS 101 DEGREES,

AUTHORITIES LEFT HER IN THE ROOMFOR ANOTHER THREE HOURS.

STILL, BETTER THAN FLYING INTOLA GUARDIA.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

SHE WAS THEN TAKEN TO UNIVERSITYHOSPITAL IN NEWARK AND PLACED IN

A LUXURIOUS TENT STRUCTUREOUTSIDE WITH A PORTAPOTTY, NO

SHOWER AND NO CONNECTION TO THEOUTSIDE WORLD EXCEPT HER

iPhone.

BIG DEAL.

THROW IN A SPACE HEATER, A SIXEROF LABATTS, AND YOU'RE BASICALLY

ICE FISHING.

(LAUGHTER)UNFORTUNATELY, SHE USED HER

iPhone TO GRIPE TO THE MEDIAABOUT THE FORCIBLE IMPRISONMENT.

>> I HAVE BEEN ASYMPTOMATICSINCE I HAVE BEEN HERE.

I COMPLETELY DON'T UNDERSTANDIT.

IT'S NOT BASED ON ANY CLEARPUBLIC HEALTH EVIDENCE.

AND IT'S NOT THE RECOMMENDATIONOF PUBLIC HEALTH AND MEDICAL

EXPERTS AT THIS POINT.

THIS IS AN EXTREME THAT ISREALLY UNACCEPTABLE, AND I FEEL

LIKE MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS HAVEBEEN VIOLATED.

>> Stephen: HUMAN RIGHTS?

I'M SORRY, MA'AM, BUT THECONSTITUTION DOES

NOT SAY YOU HAVE A RIGHT TOENDANGER YOUR NEIGHBORS.

UNLESS IT'S WITH A GUN.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF GUN FANS HERE TONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)FACED WITH THIS OUTBREAK OF BAD

P.R., GOVERNOR -- OH,WHAT'S-HIS-CUOMO -- BACKED DOWN,

CHANGING NEW YORK'S RULE TO JUSTTHREE WEEKS WITHOUT LEAVING THE

HOUSE -- OR AS MOST PEOPLE CALLIT, "WAITING FOR TIME-WARNER

CABLE."

(LAUGHTER)AND NOW, NEW JERSEY IS LETTING

HICKOX GO HOME.

EVEN CHRISTIE HAS FOLDED LIKE AHASTILY-ERECTED EBOLA TENT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT HE KNOWS, ULTIMATELY,

EVERYONE WILL SEE HE DID THERIGHT THING.

>> I KNOW SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BETHERE.

BUT THE FACT IS I HAVE A MUCHGREATER, BIGGER RESPONSIBILITY

TO THE PEOPLE OF THE PUBLIC, SOI THINK, WHEN SHE HAS TIME TO

REFLECT, SHE'LL UNDERSTAND THAT,AS WELL.

>> Stephen: YES, SHE'LLUNDERSTAND WHEN SHE HAS MORE

TIME TO REFLECT THAN FOUR DAYSALONE IN A PLASTIC TENT.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING,FOLKS!

BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLETO PROTECT OURSELVES ANYMORE.

JUST ASK THE CABLE NEWS!>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW I'M

GOING TO TAKE THIS PROTECTIVEEQUIPMENT OFF.

I'M ALSO GOING TO PUT A LITTLECHOCOLATE SAUCE IN MY HAND,

WHICH COULD REPRESENT A POSSIBLEEBOLA CONTAMINATION.

TAKE A LOOK.

PUT THE MASK BACK ON.

SO HERE WOULD BE THE MOST LIKELYCONTAMINATED AREA, MY GLOVES,

MAYBE THE FRONT OF MY GOWN, ABIT LIKE THIS.

NOW I GOT TO TREAT THIS AS IFI'M POTENTIALLY CONTAMINATED.

SO NOW TAKE A LOOK.

RIGHT THERE, SEE A LITTLE BIT OFCHOCOLATE SAUCE.

ONE POSSIBLE EXPOSURE.

AND OVER HERE ON MY NECK, ONEPOSSIBLE EXPOSURE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S TERRIFYING.

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOPEBOLA IS WETNAPS!

(LAUGHTER)GUPTA CLEARLY BLEW THE

PROTOCOLS.

SO NATION, ONCE AGAIN, IT FALLSTO ME TO PROPERLY DEMONSTRATE

HOW TO ISOLATE THIS VIRUS.

I'LL USE THIS BOWL OF VANILLAICE CREAM TO REPRESENT A STERILE

SEALED HOSPITAL ROOM.

NOW, SOMEONE WITH EBOLA COMESIN, THEY GOT THEIR BODILY

FLUIDS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL OVER THE STERILEROOM.

OBVIOUSLY, BLOOD IS ONE OF THEWAYS IT IS TRANSMITTED.

THEN, THIS IS THEIR SALIVA.

IT'S A LITTLE FROTHY.

THEY MIGHT HAVE RABIES AS WELL.

(LAUGHTER)THESE REPRESENT THEIR SNEEZE

PARTICLES, OKAY?

RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)AND ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF EBOLA

IS BLEEDING FROM THE EYEBALLS,SO...

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)SO NOW YOU'VE GOT ALL THESE

DANGEROUS CONTAMINANTS TOGETHER.

BUT YOU CAN STAY SAFE, AS LONGAS YOU AVOID ALL CONTACT.

(LAUGHTER)THOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, THAT LOOKS

PRETTY GOOD.

IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HURT TOHAVE A LITTLE EBOLA.

MM-MM-MM, MM-MMM...

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S MY EBOLA CHEAT DAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

NATION, WHEN IT COMES TODEFENDING AMERICA, THERE IS

NOBODY I TRUST MORE THAN TEXASCONGRESSMAN AND CONFUSED PIECE

OF GNOCCHI, LOUIE GOHMERT.

BECAUSE HE'S BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAYTHE THINGS THAT NO ONE HAS THE

SLIGHTEST DESIRE TO SAY.

>> THANK YOU, PRESIDENT BARACKHUSSEIN OBAMA.

HE HAS HELPED JUMP START A NEWOTTOMAN EMPIRE.

WE ARE GOING TO BORROW MOREMONEY FROM THE CHINESE TO

POSSIBLY GIVE THEM MONEY BACK TOCREATE HABITATS FOR WILD DOGS

AND CATS THAT ARE RARE.

THERE'S NO ASSURANCE THAT IF WEDID THAT, WE WOULDN'T END UP

WITH MOO GOO DOG PAN OR MOO GOOCAT PAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THIS GOOD MAN IS

ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT FOODSAFETY, EVER SINCE HE DRANK THAT

PAINT THINNER.

IT'S ONLY TWO LETTERS AWAY FROMPAINT DINNER.

AND RECENTLY, LOUIE MADE WORDSWITH HIS MOUTH AGAIN.

THIS TIME, TO EXPLAIN ONCE ANDFOR ALL THE DANGERS OF GAYS IN

THE MILITARY.

>> I'VE HAD PEOPLE SAY, HEY, YOUKNOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH

GAYS IN THE MILITARY.

LOOK AT THE GREEKS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY DID HAVEPEOPLE COME ALONG WHO THEY LOVED

THAT WAS THE SAME SEX AND WOULDGIVE THEM MASSAGES BEFORE THEY

WENT INTO BATTLE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S ADIFFERENT KIND OF FIGHTING.

IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF WAR.

AND IF YOU'RE SITTING AROUNDGETTING MASSAGES ALL DAY, READY

TO GO INTO A BIG, PLANNEDBATTLE, THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

LAST VERY LONG.

IT'S GUERILLA FIGHTING.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE ULTIMATELYVULNERABLE TO TERRORISM AND, IF

THAT'S WHAT YOU START DOING INTHE MILITARY LIKE THE GREEKS

DID...

AS PEOPLE HAVE SAID, LOUIE, YOUHAVE GOT TO UNDERSTAND, YOU

DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR HISTORY.

OH, YES, I DO.

I KNOW EXACTLY.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: YES, GOHMERT

KNOWS HIS HISTORY.

OR HE MAY HAVE JUST BEENWATCHING THE GAY VERSION OF THE

FILM 300.

(LAUGHTER)BY WHICH I MEAN THE ONE RELEASED

IN THEATERS.

(LAUGHTER)>>

AND THE GREEKS WERE THE GAYESTARMY IN HISTORY.

IT'S WHY THEY WERE ALWAYSTRAIPSING OFF FOR FABULOUS

MEDITERRANEAN WARS.

AND WHY THEY FOUGHT PACKEDTOGETHER IN A PHALANX, AKA THE

MAN-ON-MAN MASSAGE CUBE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT LIKE GOHMERT SAID, THAT WAS

FINE FOR ANCIENT GREECE, BACKWHEN BATTLES HAD A SET TIME AND

DATE.

IT WAS EASY -- YOU'D GET ARUB-DOWN, THEN RUN OUT TO A

PELOPONNESIAN FIELD FOR YOUR2:00 P.M. FACE-SPEARING.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK IN TODAY'S

AMERICA'S MILITARY.

GAY MASSAGES HAVE NO PLACE INOUR NEVER-ENDING GUERILLA WAR.

I.S.I.S. ISN'T GONNA POSTPONEITS AMBUSH SO YOU CAN FINISH

LISTENING TO YOUR FAVORITEPERUVIAN PAN FLUTE CD.

(LAUGHTER)AND WE ARE IN GRAVE DANGER,

BECAUSE THE HOMOSEXUALSEAWEED-WRAP LIFESTYLE HAS

SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE MILITARY.

LOOK AT THE AIR FORCE.

WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED A BACKSEAT IN A FIGHTER JET?

THE CO-PILOT'S JUST BACK THEREFOR THE NECK RUBS!

(LAUGHTER)NO WONDER TOM CRUISE WAS SO

TENSE AFTER GOOSE DIED.

AND WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALLEDHIM GOOSE?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

WE MISS YOU ANTHONY EDWARDS!

SO I STAND WITH LOUIE WHEN HESAID THIS --

>> AS PEOPLE SAID, LOUIE, YOUDON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU DON'T EVEN

KNOW YOUR HISTORY.

I SAID, OH, YES, I DO.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

>> Stephen: I'M WITH YOU, SIR.

PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME, STEPHEN,YOU HAVE GOTTA UNDERSTAND, YOU

DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR HISTORY.

YOU'RE DUMB, DENSE, A MENTALMIDGET WITH THE I.Q. OF A BUTTER

DISH WHOSE MIND IS A BLACK HOLETHAT SUCKS ALL SURROUNDING

THOUGHT INTO AN INFINITESINGULARITY OF PURE STUPIDITY.

I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN EVEN DRESSYOURSELF.

I BET YOU HAVE TO RUB PEANUTBUTTER INSIDE YOUR LIPS TO

REMEMBER TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH ANDBREATHE.

I'VE NEVER MET, AND HOPE TONEVER MEET AGAIN, A MAN SO

PERVASIVELY, ASTOUNDINGLY,UNYIELDINGLY IGNORANT.

TO WHICH I SAY, WELL, YOUHAVEN'T MET LOUIE GOHMERT.

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ABELOVED TELEVISION HOST WHO HAS

WON 14 EMMYS.

AND NO, IT'S NOT ME FROM THEFUTURE.

PLEASE WELCOME MEREDITH VIEIRA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY, MEREDITH!

GOOD TO SEE YOU!

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOUON!

>> OH, MY GOSH!

THEY LOVE YOU!

>> Stephen: THEY LOVE THAT YOUARE WITH ME!

YOU'RE GETTING THE CONTACT HIGH.

MS. VIEIRA, 14-TIME EMMY-AWARDWINNING JOURNALIST!

>> LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT OFAPPLAUSE FOR THAT

(APPLAUSE)>> WHATEVER!

>> Stephen: YOU WORKED FORTHE 60 MINUTES, YOU WERE ONE OF

THE ORIGINAL HOSTS OF "THEVIEW," CO-ANCHORED THE "TODAY

SHOW," ALSO HOSTED "WHO WANTS TOBE A MILLIONAIRE" FOR

11 SEASONS AND HAVE ANEW DAYTIME SHOW CALLED THE

MEREDITH VIERA SHOW. GO FIGURE!

DOESN'T IT FEEL GOOD TO HAVE ASHOW WITH YOUR NAME PLASTERED

EVERYWHERE?

>> IT IS TERRIFYING. BECAUSEIT'S MY NAME

>> Stephen: OF COURSE! WHOSHOULD WE NAME IT AFTER?

>> I SAID KATIE COURIC, THEYSAID NO.

THEY SAID, YOU HAVE TO BEMEREDITH VIERA.

DON'T YOU FEEL THAT?

>> Stephen: FEEL GREAT?

THE WEIGHT OF THE NAME ONYOUR SHOW.

HOW LARGE IS YOUR STAFF?

>> Stephen: ABOUT 1,500.

SO YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FORTHEIR LIVELIHOOD.

>> Stephen: I AM.

I AM A RIVER UNTO MY PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER) SO THAT'S GOOD.THEY'RE ON YOUR MAGIC CARPET

RIDE?

>> YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T KNOWWHERE IT'S HEADED.

>> DON'T LAND AT LA GUARDIA.

NO.

>> Stephen: A NIGHTMARE.

HAVE YOU BEEN SCARED OFEBOLA, BY THE WAY.

>> Stephen: TERRIFIED.

DO YOU HAVE EBOLA?

>> INTERESTING ENOUGH, I HAD ANINTERVIEW WITH DR BESSER WHO WAS

UNDER VOLUNTARY QUARANTINE BUTHE SNEEZED AND SHOOK MY HAND AND

I WAS TOO POLITE TO NOT SHAKEIT, THEN I WAS TERRIFIED.

>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE TOO POLITETO NOT POSSIBLY DIE.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: OF HEMORRHAGICFEVER.

KISS ME, DARLING!

KISS ME!

>> OKAY, SO --HE'S FINE, BY THE WAY.

>> Stephen: THEY DON'T CARE.

>> Stephen: I'LL SEE YAAROUND.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, HERE'S THE THING I LIKE

ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE VERY LIKABLEAND RELATABLE --

>> AWWW!

>> Stephen: NOW, DO I LIKE --YOU?

(LAUGHTER)AM I RELATING TO YOU OR IS THIS

JUST THE MEREDITH VIEIRA WE SEEON TV?

IN REALTY, ARE YOU A LIKABLE,RELATABLE PERSON, OR RIGHT NOW

AM I ALSO GETTING THE TVMEREDITH VIERIA BECAUSE WE ARE,

IN FACT, ON TV?

>> NO, NO.

I AM WHO I AM.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

YES, REALLY.

UNLIKE -->> Stephen: UNLIKE OTHER

PEOPLE YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)I'M ME, BABY!

THIS IS ME!

YOU CAN CUT ME OPEN AND COUNTTHE RINGS OF STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> OH, MY GOSH!

>> Stephen: THE ONLY REASON IASK IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN

KNOWN TO BLURT THINGS OUT.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: VERY HONESTLY LIKEON THE VIEW.

>> LIKE WHAT DID I SAY.

>> Stephen: YOU SAID --LIKE WHAT?

>> Stephen: YOU SAID, I DON'TWEAR UNDERWEAR.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHY IS I BELIEVE WHYTHEY CALL IT THE VIEW

WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO BE THATREVEALING?

>> BECAUSE IT'S A DAYTIME SHOWAND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

AUTHENTIC AND I JUST FELT, WHYNOT?

WHY NOT SHARE THAT WITH AMERICA?

>> Stephen: AND LATER DIDANYONE DESCRIBE TO YOU WHY NOT?

PERHAPS YOUR FAMILY?

PERHAPS YOUR CHILDREN?

>> I DON'T THINK MY CHILDREN SAWTHAT PARTICULAR SHOW.

>> Stephen: THEY DON'T WATCHTHIS, I HOPE.

>> MY KIDS ARE BIG FANS,ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: JIMMY, LET'SEDIT THAT OUT, THEN.

>> DO YOU WEAR UNDERWEAR?

>> Stephen: HELL NO.

WELL, OKAY, THEN! I REST MYCASE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: UNDERWEAR HAS NOT

BEEN WOVEN THAT COULD CONTAIN MYBALLS. IT'S JUST KINDLING.

(LAUGHTER)THE ONLY HONESTY YOU HAVE ON

YOUR NEW SET, ON THE MEREDITHVIERA SHOW, IS THAT IT'S

FURNITURE THAT'S NOT IN GREATSHAPE.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHY WOULDN'T YOUWANT EVERYTHING TO BE AS PRETTY

AS POSSIBLE?

>> BECAUSE IT'S MY REALFURNITURE, ONE OF THE CHAIRS,

AND IT'S TORN TO SHREDS BY MYCATS, FELIPE NOIR AND SWEET PEA

AND THEY RUINED THE CHAIR AND IWANTED PEOPLE TO SEE THIS IS

THE WAY WE LIVE. A LOT OF PEOPLELIVE THAT WAY.

I THOUGHT THE CHAIR WOULD BEAUTHENTIC.

>> Stephen: IT DOES SOUNDAUTHENTIC. NOW,

YOU GOT TO REPLACE THAT CHAIRAT HOME AND THAT'S A TAX

DEDUCTION NOW(LAUGHTER)

EXPECT AN AUDIT ANY MINUTE.

IS YOUR SET LIKE YOUR LIVINGROOM AT HOME?

>> WELL, IT'S SORT OF LIKE IT.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE THIS ISLIKE MY LIVING ROOM.

>> I BET IT IS.

>> Stephen: THIS IS MY SHOECLOSET.

>> IS THAT YOUR REAL EMMY?>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF THEM.

>> ONE OF HOW MANY?

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE 14, DON'TACT LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A

LOT OF EMMYS>> I DO.

>> Stephen: I HAVE 10.

YOU HAVE 10?

>> Stephen: YEAH.

WOW!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: SOMETIMES I PUT

THEM IN A PIT AND MAKE THEMFIGHT MY FOUR PEABODYS.

HOW MANY PEABODYS DO YOU HAVE?

>> I DON'T HAVE A PEABODY. MYHUSBAND HAS A PEABODY

HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?

>> Stephen: I HAVE FOUR. I HAVEFOUR PEABODYS

HOW MANY GRAMMYS DO YOU HAVE?

>> YOU HAVE NO GRAMMYS

>> Stephen: I HAVE TWO GRAMMYS>> YOU DO?

>> Stephen: YEAH! AND I'M NOTWEARING UNDERWEAR.

I HAVE TWO GRAMMYS.

>> DO YOU HAVE A BOWLING TROPHY?

>> Stephen: NO, I DON'T.

>> OK, I HAVE TWO. A LITTLE ONEAND A BIG ONE.

I HAVE BALLS TOO, HONEY, OK?

>> Stephen: I THINK YOU WIN.MEREDITH VIERIA, HOST OF

THE NEW "MEREDITH VIERIA SHOW."

CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THEREPORT," EVERYBODY!

GOOD NIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")