Katt Williams: Kattpacalypse

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 02/23/2013

Katt Williams readies his audience for the end of the world, urges them to make love properly and re-evaluates what it means to be America's first black president.

LADIES, WE NEED Y'ALLCOME ON BACK HOME.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU LADIESDONE GOT BESIDE YOURSELF.

WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW IT HAPPENING.

WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW Y'ALL GOING OFFTO THE LITTLE FREAKY,

NASTY, LITTLE DIRTY,LITTLE SNEAKY, FREAKY,

LITTLE NASTY STORE.

AND WE SAW YOU PURCHASINGYOURSELF ITEMS FOR 24, 29,

39.95.

AND WE KNOW YOU GOT YOURSELFA RABBIT AND A BULLET

AND A BULLET WITH A RABBIT.

AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONGWITH IT, LADIES.

BUT TIME TO BRING YOUR ASS BACKHOME FOR 2012.

SOME OF Y'ALL DONE FUCKED YOURWHOLE CLITORIS UP,

FUCKING ROUND.

LOOK AT THE LADIES...

"WHAT?"SOME OF YOU LADIES HAVE

FUCKED YOUR ENTIRE VAGINA UP,BEING GREEDY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMETHINGTHAT CAN HIT YOUR SPOT EVERY

TIME, BITCH,DOES NOT MEAN YOU GOT TO HIT

THAT MOTHERFUCKER 136 TIMESON TARGET.

JUST...

[buzzing]FUCKED YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN

CLITORIS UP.

US FELLAS, WE REMEMBER YOURCLITORIS THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

WE REMEMBER WHEN THATMOTHERFUCKER WAS SO SHY,

IT WOULDN'T EVENCOME OUT THE HOOD.

YOU HAD TO--HAD TO GET DOWNTHERE AND TALK SWEET TO IT

AND SHIT.

"YOU JUST COME ON OUT OF THERE.

I SEE YOU IN THERE."

NOW YOU DONE HIT THATMOTHERFUCKER SO MANY TIMES,

THAT BITCH IS ALL OUTSIDEOF YOUR CLITORIS.

JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CAMEL TOE,PUSHING THE LABIA BACK.

JUST...

BITCH, YOUR CLITORIS IS SCARINGMY PENIS.

WE CAN'T EVEN...

WHITE PEOPLE WANT BARAK OBAMAOUT OF OFFICE SO GODDAMN BAD.

OH, YOU SHOULD HEAR THEMMOTHERFUCKERS ON TALK RADIO.

OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGER.

IF THEY COULD SAY THE WORD"NIGGER," OH--

THEY SAY EVERY--OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGER.

OH!

OH.

"GOD DAMN, HE'S FUCKING,FUCKING UP THE GODDAMN COUNTRY

IS WHAT HE'S DOING.

GODDAMN ENTITLEMENT."

POOR NIGGER.

POOR NIGGER.

JUST UNDERSTAND,IT'S FIXING TO BE 2012.

THE MAYANS WASN'TBULLSHITTING.

THE MAYANS SAID IT WAS SOMESHIT OUT THERE.

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE MAYANSDISAPPEARED.

NOW, THEY TELL US THE MAYANSDISAPPEARED 'CAUSE THEY CAN'T

FIND NONE OF THEY FUCKING BONES.

BUT LET ME REMIND YOU THAT YOUCAN GO TO ANY MOTHERFUCKING

MUSEUM ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,AND THEY GOT A WHOLE 62-FOOT

DINOSAUR FROM HIS NOSEALL THE WAY TO HIS NUT SACK

AND HIS TOES,5 BILLION GODDAMN YEARS AGO.

HAD A LITTLE COMPANY,USED TO BE IN AMERICA,

CALLED NASA.

STANDED FORNATIONAL AIR, SPACE EXPLORATION.

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, NIGGERS.

IT STOOD FOR GOING UP THERE.

LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE.

"THAT IS NOT WHAT IT STOOD FORAT ALL.

THAT'S...

THAT WOULD BE N.E.A.S.A.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S--"FACT OF THE MATTER IS,

NASA USED TO REPORT TO US,LET US KNOW WHAT

THE FUCK THEY WAS DOING.

AND FOR 40 YEARS, THEY SPENT$500 MILLION A YEAR SENDING

SPACE SHUTTLES UP,BRINGING THEM BACK DOWN.

AND THEY USED TO LET US SEE THEMWHEN THEY TOOK OFF.

[whooshes]AND THEN WHEN THEY LANDED,

WE'D BE RIGHT THERE.

AND WE'D SAY,"SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT."

THEN THEY STARTED DOINGSNEAKY SHIT.

TAKING OFF THE SPACE SHUTTLES AT3:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING

AND SHIT,LANDING THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT.

AND IF THERE AIN'T NOBODYLOOKING, THEY JUST WALK OFF.

JUST...

[whooshes]

IF YOU'VE GOT YOU A GIRL,

TIME TO STOP [bleep] AROUND.

IT'S 2012.

IT'S THE GODDAMN FOURTH QUARTER.

WHATEVER DECISION

YOU [bleep] MADE,

IT'S DONE NOW, [bleep].

NOW, LADIES,

THAT DON'T APPLY TO Y'ALL.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF Y'ALL MIGHT

BE IN HERE WITH A STEPPING-STONE

[bleep].

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY THAT GETS YOU

THROUGH TILL YOU SEE YOURSELF.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

BUT 2012 IS COMING.

AND THEY GOT SOME SURPRISES

FOR US.

AND YOU GONNA HAVE TO

MAKE SURE YOU GOT

SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT

BELONG TO YOU,

SOME SHIT THAT GIVE A [bleep]

'BOUT YOU.

WHAT I'M SAYING, FELLAS,

IF YOU GOT A WOMAN

THAT'S SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE,

PUT THE GAMES ON HOLD

FOR A SECOND

AND [bleep] THIS BITCH

LIKE YOU NEED HER IN YOUR

GODDAMN LIFE.

JUST [bleep] HER LIKE YOU NEED

HER IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE,

'CASE THE WORLD

COME TO AN END ON 2012.

IT'S COMING DOWN.

2012.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE GONNA NEED YOUTO TELL US WHAT THE FUCK

IS GOING ON.

THEY AIN'T GONNA TELL USON B.E.T.

ABOUT THE ENDOF THE GODDAMN WORLD.

JUST UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE VIDEOS STILL GONNA BEPLAYING.

THEY NOT EVEN GONNA PUT SHITDOWN AT THE BOTTOM,

"NIGGERS, LOOK OUTSIDE.

THE WORLD IS ENDING,"NOTHING.

EVERY TIME I SEE MY PRESIDENT,IT LOOK TO ME LIKE THEY DONE

TOLD THAT NIGGER SOME SHITHE CAN'T FUCKING TELL US.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE OBAMA,HE LOOK LIKE THIS.

UNDERSTAND, WE ALREADY KILLEDALL THE TERRORISTS.

AIN'T NO FUCKING MORE.

THEY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OFMUAMMAR GADDAFI'S ASS.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW WHATHAPPENED TO MUAMMAR GADDAFI.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS THEPRESIDENT OF HIS COUNTRY.

AND THANKS TO FACEBOOK...

THEY GAVE THIS MOTHERFUCKERA BEATING

NIGGERS WASN'T EVENFAMILIAR WITH.

IT'S HARD TO IMPRESS NIGGERSWITH GETTING YOUR ASS WHUPPED.

AS NIGGERS, WE'VE SEEN IT DONEALL KINDS OF WAYS.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY OFNIGGERDOM

HAVE WE EVER SEEN A MOTHERFUCKERGET HIS ASS WHUPPED

ALL THE WAY TO AN EXECUTION.

"YOU BEAT THIS NIGGER'S ASSTO KILL HIM?

YOU COULD HAVE JUST KILLED HIM,Y'ALL SORRY SONS OF BITCHES."

AND CNN AIN'T SHIT.

CNN SAID THEY WASN'T GONNA SHOWIT WHILE THEY WAS SHOWING IT IN

SLOW MOTIONAND PUTTING SUBTITLES

UNDER THIS BITCHSO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

WHAT HE WAS SAYING CLEARLY.

[speaking gibberish]"STOP IT. YOU'RE KILLING ME.

I AM THE PRESIDENT."

THEY BEAT THAT NIGGERLIKE CONRAD MURRAY

AT A MICHAEL JACKSON CONCERT.

OH, IT WAS...

BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHATTHE FUCK GOING ON.

WE JUST WAITING ON OBAMA TO GIVEUS OUR WORD.

WE DONE BEEN WAITING SO LONG,THAT NIGGER COULD GIVE US

ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

THAT NIGGER COULD GIVE NIGGERSFREE SMALL FRIES EVERY 14TH

THURSDAY,AND THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE, WHAT WE AIN'TGONNA LET YOU DO IS TALK ABOUT

THIS NIGGER LIKE HE AIN'TA CHILD OF GOD.

THIS NIGGER BEEN OUT THERE DOINGHIS GODDAMN JOB.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

I DO SEEM TO REMEMBERTHAT FOR EIGHT YEARS,

WE COULDN'T FIND THE SAMEONE GODDAMN TERRORIST WE WAS

LOOKING FOR.

I SAID, ONE GODDAMN TERRORISTTHAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR.

I SAID, ONE GODDAMN TERRORISTTHAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR.

AND MY GODDAMN PRESIDENT DONEKILLED EVERY GODDAMN TERRORIST

THAT EVER GODDAMN LIVED.

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

YES, INDEED.

I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU PUTA NIGGER IN THE WHITE HOUSE,

HE WON'T FUCK UPTHE CREDIT OF THE COUNTRY.

BUT IF YOU WANT SOME TERRORISTS,YOU GET YOURSELF A NIGGER.

BARACK OBAMA DIDN'T HAVE TO SENDIN THE ARMY AND THE NAVY

AND THE COAST GUARD.

BARACK OBAMA SENT THREEMOTHERFUCKERS IN,

KILLED EVERY TERRORIST.

JUST ONE TO SHOOT HIMAND TWO TO POSE.

JUST...

BAP, BAP!

♪ THE LAND OF THE FREE WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NONE

OF THAT BULLSHIT.

I THOUGHT PRESIDENT BUSH SAIDTHAT OSAMA BIN LADEN

WAS THE AXIS OF EVIL.

I THOUGHT HE SAID HE WASBEELZEBUB HIMSELF.

FOR MY SPANISH FRIENDS, SHAITAN,EL DIABLOO.

NOT MY MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT.

MY PRESIDENT FOUND THATMOTHERFUCKER IN AN UNFURNISHED,

ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH TWOGODDAMN MATTRESSES,

NO BACKBOARD, ONE BITCH,NO PHONE,

NO GUN, THREE LAPTOPS,AND A SMARTPHONE.

THERE'S SOME DRUG DEALERS INHERE TONIGHT

GOT THAT IN AN ESCALADE.

THEY GOT THAT PIECE OF SHIT ASS

CONRAD MURRAY.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER,

THAT'S WHAT A SNAKE LOOK LIKE.

IN CASE YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING DEMON

LOOK LIKE IN PERSON,

LOOK AT CONRAD MURRAY'S

MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT NIGGER WAS ON TRIAL.

ANYTIME A NIGGER CAN'T CRY...

WHITE PEOPLE, UNDERSTAND.

NIGGERS EITHER CRY ONE OF TWO

WAYS, NOT AT ALL...

OR ALL THE WAY.

CONRAD MURRAY WAS ON TRIAL

FOR 14 WEEKS,

TRYING TO GET ONE TEAR

OUT OF HIS LYING-ASS EYES,

JUST...

FUCK-ASS NIGGER.

THE BIBLE SAY DON'T BELIEVE NO

NIGGER THAT CAN'T SAY TRUTH.

THIS NIGGER ALL ON TV, "I AM

GOING TO TELL THE 'TROOT.'"

"WHAT DID THAT NIGGER SAY HE WAS

GOING TO TELL?"

"I AM GOING TO TELL THE 'TROOT.'

I HAVE 'FAIT.'"

THEN THAT NIGGER HAVE HIS TRIAL.

AND HE EMBARRASSED EVERY NIGGER

IN THE WORLD.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE CONRAD MURRAY TRIAL

WHEN WE THOUGHT

IT COULDN'T GET NO

FUCKING WORSE,

THIS NIGGER BRING OUT,

AS A WITNESS, THE OLDEST

LIVING SLAVE WE HAVE EVER SEEN.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW

THAT OLD BITCH.

THAT BITCH WAS

136 GODDAMN YEARS OLD.

THAT BITCH--

IT TOOK HER SO LONG

TO GET TO THE STAND THAT YOU

KNEW THIS BITCH WAS GONNA TELL

THE TRUTH.

SHE...

THIS BITCH WAS 136,

AND HER WIG WAS BRAND-NEW,

HAD THE TAG STILL IN THAT BITCH.

HER SLAVE MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THIS BITCH SNUCK ON THE STAND.

HOW DO YOU SIT LIKE A SLAVE?

SHE JUST...

EVERY TIME THE JUDGE ASKED HER

SOMETHING, SHE'D SAY,

"EXCUSE ME, JUDGE."

FUCKING JUDGE ASKED HER,

"IS CONRAD MURRAY GREEDY?"

AND THIS OLD, DECREPIT BITCH

ACTED LIKE GREEDY WAS THE WORST

INSULT SHE HAD EVER HEARD

IN HER GODDAMN--

"GREEDY?

NO, CONRAD AIN'T--"

SHUT YOUR UGLY ASS UP, BITCH.

THAT WAS THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH

MICHAEL JACKSON.

HIS FANS WAS TOO GODDAMN NICE.

NICE-ASS MICHAEL JACKSON FANS

LETTING CONRAD MURRAY'S PUNK ASS

GO TO COURT EVERY GODDAMN DAY

WITH NO SECURITY.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO HAVE SOME

GHETTO FANS.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO JUST

KILL ME, NIGGER, AND GO TO COURT

LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE A BITCH TO HIT

YOU WITH A BRICK EVERY TIME YOU

SHOW UP TO COURT.

JUST, "I'M HERE FOR--"

>> IT'S ALL BULLSHIT,

WHITE PEOPLE.

CONRAD MURRAY GOT FOUR YEARS AND

AIN'T GONNA DO BUT TWO OF THEM.

AND MOTHERFUCKERS LOOKING AT HIM

LIKE HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIGURE HE

GOT WHAT THE FUCK HE DESERVED?

YOU CAN MURDER A BILLIONAIRE

AND GET TWO AND A HALF YEARS

AND PROBATION?

THESE NIGGERS HAD ME ON SIX

YEARS OF PROBATION FOR A BLUNT

I HADN'T LIT YET.

UNDERSTAND, THE BULLSHIT IS

HITTING THE FAN, GOD DAMN IT.

THEY GAVE CONRAD MURRAY'S

MOTHERFUCKING ASS LESS

THAN FOUR GODDAMN YEARS.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN

NAMED PLAXICO BURRESS.

NOW, THIS NIGGER SHOT HIS SELF

IN THE GODDAMN LEG.

UNDERSTAND THAT.

THIS NIGGER ASSAULTED HIMSELF.

HE DIDN'T SNITCH ON HIS SELF,

DIDN'T TURN HIS SELF IN,

FILE CHARGES AGAINST HIMSELF.

THREE WHOLE YEARS,

PENITENTIARY,

SHOOTING YOURSELF.

AND I KNOW...

SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LOOKING AT ME

LIKE, "YOU NOT FIXING TO TALK

ABOUT MICHAEL, ARE YOU?"

YES, I AM.

FIRST OF ALL, LET ME START OFF

BY SAYING WOULD ALL

THE MICHAEL JACKSON FANS

PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE

IN THE BUILDING THIS EVENING.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T APOLOGIZE OFTEN.

THIS IS NOT A TIME

FOR ME TO START.

BUT WHEN I WAS TALKING, I WAS

TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY ALIVE.

>> GO AHEAD, KATT!

>> AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER

IS,

WE WATCHED THIS NIGGER GET

MURDERED, RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR

OWN MOTHERFUCKING FACE.

AND THE NIGGER KNEW IT WAS

FIXING TO HAPPEN.

HE TOLD US, AND WE DIDN'T KNOW.

NIGGER NAMED HIS LAST TOUR

"THIS IS IT."

AND THEIR STORY IS,

THIS NIGGER WAS ASLEEP,

IN A COMA.

THEN THEY SAY HE WAKES UP

OUT OF HIS COMA.

NOW, UNDERSTAND, NIGGERS,

THE WHOLE THING ABOUT A COMA'S

SUPPOSED TO BE YOU CAN'T GET

THE FUCK UP FROM ONE.

I'LL COME BACK TO THAT PART

LATER.

SO THE NIGGER WAKES UP OUT OF

THE COMA.

"CONRAD."

"CONRAD, WHERE ARE YOU?

CONRAD, TITO, SOMEONE,

COME HERE.

I CAN'T..."

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY

GETS FUCKED UP.

THEN THEY SAY

AIN'T NOBODY THERE.

SO THEY SAY HE GRABS

THE PROPOFOL...

AND INJECTS HIS MOTHERFUCKING

SELF AND GOES BACK INTO A COMA.

♪ GIRL, CLOSE YOUR EYES

♪ LET THE PROPOFOL INTO YOU

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT A NIGGER

WOULD PAY SOMEBODY $150,000

A MONTH

TO DO SOME SHIT

HE COULD WAKE UP OUT OF A COMA

AND DO FOR HIMSELF?

YOU CAN KISS

MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT'S LIKE ME PAYING A BITCH TO

SUCK MY DICK AFTER THE SHOW AND

PAYING HER GIRLFRIEND TO

SWALLOW.

WHITE PEOPLE, IT WAS A SETUP.

WE KNEW IT AS SOON AS WE SAW

CONRAD MURRAY, 'CAUSE IT

COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO NIGGER TO

KILL MICHAEL JACKSON.

BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDN'T HAVE

BEEN NO WHITE DOCTOR.

OH.

IF A WHITE DOCTOR HAD KILLED

MICHAEL JACKSON, IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN 600,000 NIGGERS IN

MOONWALKING SOCKS THE NEXT DAY,

JUST RIOTING AND DANCING

AT THE SAME TIME, GOING...

HEE-HEE.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME JUST TELL

YOU A LITTLE NIGGER SECRET

IF I COULD.

NIGGERS HAVE NEVER SAID,

"THIS IS IT,"

IN A CELEBRATORY FASHION,

LET ME JUST SAY.

WHITE PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

"THIS IS IT!"

NOT NIGGERS.

EVERY TIME WE SAYING IT,

WE SAYING IT LIKE THIS,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, NIGGER?

THIS IS IT."

AND THEY STRAIGHT UP

KILLED THAT NIGGER.

KILLED HIM AND GAVE US

THE MOST BULLSHIT STORY

WE EVER HEARD OUR ENTIRE LIFE.

FIRST, THEY TOLD US THIS NIGGER

WAS A DRUG ADDICT.

THEN WE FIND OUT THIS NIGGER'S

DRUG WAS SLEEP.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NIGGER

GOT HIGH AND WENT TO SLEEP?

YEAH, THAT'S NO DRUG ADDICT.

SOMETHING'S AFOUL HERE.

THIS STORY DON'T GO TOGETHER.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

NO STORY ENDS WITH COMA.

BUT CERTAINLY NO STORY

STARTS WITH COMA.

THEY STARTED THIS NIGGER'S STORY

OFF WITH COMA.

SAID THE NIGGER...

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD SLEEP.

I'M SURE HE DON'T SLEEP REGULAR.

BUT I'M SURE HE WAS...

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD SLEEP.

BUT I KNEW HE SLEPT FANCY.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME JUST TELL

YOU, ON BEHALF OF NIGGERS,

NOBODY WATCHES A PRESIDENTIAL

SPEECH HARDER THAN NIGGERS.

WE BE WAITING ON THIS NIGGER TO

SAY ANYTHING THAT HAVE SOMETHING

TO DO WITH US.

WE GO.

WHITE PEOPLE,

I'VE BEEN SO PROUD OF Y'ALL.

Y'ALL HAVE BECOME NIGGERS IN

THIS RECESSION THE WAY I KNEW

YOU COULD.

AW, LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

'BECAME NIGGERS'?"

OH, YES.

OH, WE ALL NIGGERS NOW.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT THE 99%?

THAT'S NIGGERS.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

NOT GONNA BE ABOUT RACE NO MORE

IN 2012.

MM-MM.

IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT.

AIN'T ABOUT WHITE AND BLACK.

NO, NO, AIN'T ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT YOU VERSUS THEM.

THEM VERSUS US.

WE VERSUS THEM.

AND FUCK THEY MOTHERFUCKING

ASSES BEFORE WE BEGIN.

NOW, UNDERSTAND THIS.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CANNOT CONFUSE

THE FACTS.

YOU ONLY VOTED FOR THIS NIGGER

'CAUSE HE WAS KIND OF...

A NIGGER.

HE WASN'T NO FULL-FLEDGED

NIGGER.

YOU WASN'T GONNA PUT

NO WHOLE NIGGER

IN THE GODDAMN WHITE HOUSE.

AND NOW YOU WANT TO BLAME THIS

NIGGER FOR NOT DOING NIGGERLY

SHIT.

"HE NEVER GETS ANGRY.

HE NEVER RAISES HIS VOICE.

HE'S JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

HE WON'T..."

YOU WANT HIM TO BE A NIGGER?

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT HIM TO BE

A NIGGER.

I DON'T--I DON'T THINK YOU READY

TO SEE MICHELLE OBAMA COME TO

THE NEWS CONFERENCE IN

FLIP-FLOPS.

I DON'T THINK YOU READY TO...

[shoes squeaking]

>> WHITE PEOPLE,LET ME TELL YOU THIS.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE A NIGGER,THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT NIGGER

HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY OTHERNIGGERS.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME STAND HEREIN FRONT OF ALL THESE NIGGERS

AND SAY PUBLICLYWE WERE SO MOTHERFUCKING

EMBARRASSEDWHEN HERMAN

"BLACK JIMINY THE CRICKET ASS"CAIN CAME OUT

THE GODDAMN WOODWORK.

WHITE PEOPLE, DO YOU SEE US?

LOOK AT NIGGERS.

WE...

WE HAD NO IDEA, WHITE PEOPLE.

WE HAD NO...

AND SOME WHITE PEOPLE ARELOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,HIM FUCKING PEOPLE?"

NO.

NO, WE DIDN'T CLEAR THAT NIGGER.

WE DID NOT CLEAR THIS NIGGER,WHITE PEOPLE.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

DIDN'T NOBODY KNOW THIS NIGGER.

THIS NIGGER...

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY,WHEN NIGGERS FOUND OUT

WHAT THIS NIGGER'SQUALIFICATIONS WAS

FOR RUNNING THE COUNTRY,WHEN WE FOUND OUT

THIS NIGGER SOLD PIZZA...

LET ME USE YOUR WORD,WHITE PEOPLE.

WE WERE FLABBERGASTED.

THE AUDACITY OF THIS NIGGER.

YOU GO GET YOURGOOD-PIZZA-SELLING-ASS

ON SOMEWHERE, HERMAN.

NIGGERS HAD HAD A HARD ENOUGHTIME TRYING TO GODDAMN STICK UP

FOR BARACK.

HERE COME HERMAN CAIN.

STUPID-ASS NIGGER, YOU CAN'T BENO GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

NIGGER, YOUR NAME ISHERMAN CAIN.

THAT'S TWO REASONS YOU CAN'T BEPRESIDENT, NIGGER.

YOUR FIRST NAME IS HERMAN,NIGGER.

YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT IF YOURNAME IS HERMAN, NIGGER.

SAY IT THREE TIMES.

HERMAN, HERMAN, HERMAN.

LISTEN TO THAT.

WE ALREADY HAD A FAMOUS HERMAN.

HE WAS A MONSTER, NIGGER.

YOU CAN'T BE NO GODDAMNPRESIDENT.

TALKING ABOUT YOU SOLD SOMEGODDAMN PIZZA.

TO WHO?

YOU DIDN'T SELL IT TO NIGGERS.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE NEVER HEARD OFGODDAMN GODFATHER'S PIZZA,

LET ALONE HAVE A SLICE.

THAT NIGGER AIN'T BEEN BEATINGDOMINOS.

DOMINOS BEEN BEATING THE DOGSHIT OUT OF THAT GODDAMN PIZZA

PLACE.

HE CAN'T EVEN BEATLITTLE CAESARS.

AND LITTLE CAESARS AIN'T EVENEVERYWHERE.

HE SURE AIN'T GONNA BEATPAPA JOHN.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S ON CRACKOR SOMETHING.

HE WANT TO MAKE THE PIZZA,DELIVER THE PIZZA,

EAT THE PIZZA,BE IN THE COMMERCIAL...

"PAPA JOHN'S."

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLETO BEAT HIM, HERMAN.

YOUR LAST NAME IS CAIN, NIGGER.

YOU KILLED ABEL, NIGGER.

IF YOU DON'T GET THE FUCK UPOUT OF HERE,

>> MY ONLY POINT IS, IT'S TIME

TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

IT DON'T MATTER IF WHAT YOU GOT

IN YOUR LIFE IS FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT.

2012 COMING.

AND THEY NOT GONNA TELL US

THE SHIT WE NEED TO KNOW.

THAT'S WHY WE ALL GOT TO WORK

TOGETHER.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE NEED Y'ALL TO

REMEMBER THAT Y'ALL ARE HERE

WITH US.

YOU LOVE MEXICANS AND NIGGERS.

AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T.

LOOK AT THEM, ON THE SPOT.

"I CERTAINLY DO."

WHITE PEOPLE, THIS IS GONNA BE

IMPORTANT.

2012 IS COMING.

THEY SAYING IT'S GONNA BE

THE END OF THE WORLD.

AND, WHITE PEOPLE, WE KNOW HOW

Y'ALL DO WHEN Y'ALL GET SOME

GODDAMN INFORMATION

DON'T NOBODY KNOW.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T NEVER LEAVE.

THEY JUST DISAPPEAR.

JUST...

NIGGERS, WE GOT TO BE CAREFUL

IN 2012.

THEY TRYING TO FUCK US OVER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE,

WE NEVER LEAVE ON TIME.

BROKE PEOPLE, WE NEVER LEAVE.

AS BROKE FOLKS,

WE ALWAYS GOT TOO MUCH SHIT,

TOO MANY ENDS TO PUT TOGETHER.

NOT RICH PEOPLE.

RICH PEOPLE GET THEY SHIT,

FIND OUT SOMETHING IS FUCKED UP,

AND THEY LEAVE.

AND I SPEAK FOR NIGGERS.

AND NIGGERS AIN'T GOT NOWHERE TO

GODDAMN GO, WHITE PEOPLE.

IF THE TERRORISTS STRIKE,

EVERYBODY FROM IRELAND CAN GO

RIGHT BACK TO IRELAND.

EVERYBODY FROM ENGLAND,

GO RIGHT BACK TO...

DRAKE AND 100 CANADIANS,

ALL THE WAY...

♪ MAYBE SHE WILL

WHAT ABOUT NIGGERS?

WE GOT TO GO TO OUR GRANDMAMA

HOUSE AND FIGURE OUT HOW MANY

MINIVANS WE EVEN GOT

IN THE FAMILY.

THEY WAS GONNA KILL ME FOR THE

SHIT I GOT TO SAY, I DON'T KNOW

WHY I'M STILL HERE IN THE FIRST

MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS, I'VE BEEN

WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR 2012.

I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE

TO THINK THAT THE END

OF THE GODDAMN WORLD

WAS FIXING TO COME.

SO NOW, NIGGERS,

LET'S SAY IT DON'T COME.

CAN WE AGREE TO AT LEAST ACT

LIKE THIS GONNA BE OUR LAST TIME

ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER, SO WE CAN

DO IT RIGHT ONE GODDAMN TIME?

WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS...

BITCH NIGGERS IS DONE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU BEEN SEEING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU BEEN LOOKING AT.

I KNOW YOU THINK TYLER PERRY

MUST HAVE 46 MORE

CROSS-DRESSING,

DRAG QUEEN MOVIES LEFT IN HIM.

>> ONE MINUTE!

>> HEY, SOME OF YOU NIGGERS

WATCH AIN'T RIGHT?

IS IT TWO, OR IS IT ONE?

LET ME KNOW.

IT'S TWO?

LET ME ASK THE WHITE PEOPLE.

WHITE PEOPLE, WHAT TIME IS IT,

PLEASE?

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU HAVE TO

UNDERSTAND:

WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE, WE DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

ALL WE KNEW WAS IT WAS TIME

FOR SOME SHIT TO HAPPEN.

THAT'S ALL WE KNEW.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE US

IN THE FACT THAT WE VOTED

FOR A NIGGER TO BE A SUPERHERO

AND FORGOT TO ASK THE NIGGER

COULD HE FLY.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO

UNDERSTAND HOW READY NIGGERS WAS

THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION.

YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

WE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

THAT NIGGER COULD'VE SAID

ANYTHING.

WE WAS AT THE HOUSE IN DOUBLE

DUTCH MODE, JUST...

THAT NIGGER COULD'VE SAID

ANYTHING.

BARACK OBAMA COULD'VE CAME OUT

THE NEXT DAY AFTER THE ELECTION

AND SAID, "I WANT ALL NIGGERS TO

GO OUTSIDE AND CLEAN UP TRASH."

AND THERE'D HAVE BEEN

GANGBANGERS ALL OVER INGLEWOOD

JUST...

"I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO DROP

THAT RIGHT THERE TODAY,

MY NIGGER.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?"

AND NOW ON CNN,

THEY SAY THEY JUST DISCOVERED

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

NOW LET ME SPEAK FOR ALL NIGGERS

WHEN I SAY

WHAT THE FUCK

IS A GODDAMN SUPER-EARTH?

WE THOUGHT THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS

SUPER THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME.

LOOK AT NIGGERS.

"I DON'T BELIEVE NONE

OF THIS SHIT.

I DON'T."

IT'S TRUE, NIGGERS.

THEY HAD IT ON CNN THE SAME

GODDAMN DAY I WAS ON CNN.

HOW THE FUCK

COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?

THEY PUT THE SHIT RIGHT UP UNDER

ME, BLEW A NIGGER'S WHOLE HIGH.

JUST, "16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS?"

THEY PLANNING ON LEAVING US,

PEOPLE.

PLEASE REMEMBER WHERE YOU HEARD

IT FIRST, RIGHT AT THE CUSP OF

2012.

THEY ARE PLANNING ON LEAVING OUR

MOTHERFUCKING ASS RIGHT HERE.

THEY GOT SPACE SHUTTLES

LINED UP WITH G.P.S.

NAVIGATION, ONSTAR.

>> FIVE MINUTES?

[cheers and applause]

>> WE LOVE YOU!

>> ALL RIGHT, LET ME--

LET ME JUST--

LET ME JUST TAKE THIS TIME

TO SAY THAT, UM...

FUCK.

OKAY, LOOK.

JUST CUT THIS REAL QUICK

SO I CAN TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

CUT.

OKAY.

NO--NO BULLSHIT.

I DON'T KNOW EACH OF Y'ALL

PERSONALLY.

BUT I ALWAYS FEEL A LITTLE MORE

COMFORTABLE WHEN I'M UP HERE,

AND THE PEOPLE IS OUT HERE,

BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I REALLY WAS NEVER TALL,

EVEN WHEN I STARTED.

I NEVER WAS REALLY SPECIAL TO

FUCKING LOOK AT.

BUT WHEN I CAME TO L.A., NIGGERS

ACTED LIKE THEY UNDERSTOOD WHERE

THE FUCK I WAS COMING FROM

AND ALLOWED A NIGGER TO BE THAT.

[cheers and applause]

>> WE LOVE YOU!

>> SO WHEN I RETIRED,

THERE WAS A LOT OF THINGS

GOING ON THAT I DIDN'T WANT

TO COME BACK AND TELL Y'ALL

WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS,

'CAUSE I WANTED Y'ALL TO BE

PROUD OF ME FOR SOME SHIT,

EVEN IF I WAS FUCKING IT UP.

BUT THEN THEY STARTED ARRESTING

A NIGGER SO MUCH...

UNDERSTAND, YOU CAN ONLY GET

ARRESTED MAYBE SIX TIMES BEFORE

IT AIN'T FUN NO MORE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THAT IF YOU GO TO T.M.Z.,

YOU WILL SEE THE FACT

THAT I'VE BEEN ARRESTED

14 TIMES IN 46 MONTHS.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

IS, YOU HAVE NEVER, EVER IN YOUR

LIFE SEEN ME STANDING

IN A COURTHOUSE.

NOW, PUT THEM TWO THINGS

TOGETHER.

SATAN AIN'T SHIT.

EVERYTHING HE TRYING TO DO,

HE LOSES AT,

'CAUSE HE AIN'T SHIT.

HIS PEOPLE AIN'T SHIT.

NOTHING HE LIKES IS SHIT.

ALL HIS PEOPLE IS UGLY.

THEY ALL STINK.

THEY WAS WORSE OFF

BEFORE THE RECESSION,

DURING THE RECESSION,

AFTER THE RECESSION.

HE AIN'T SHIT.

AND SO UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN IF

FIRST OF ALL, HOW MANY PEOPLE IS

HAPPY THAT BARACK OBAMA

IS THE PRESIDENT OF THESE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT COULD

BE A DIVISIVE ISSUE.

BUT AMERICA AIN'T ABOUT

DIVISION, GOD DAMN IT.

IT'S ABOUT UNITY.

AND NEVER HAVE WHITE PEOPLE AND

BLACK PEOPLE BEEN SO UNITED AND

DISGUSTED AT THE SAME GODDAMN

TIME AS WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY THIS

IN FRONT OF [bleep].

WE HAVE HAD A BLACK PRESIDENT

FOR QUITE SOME TIME RIGHT NOW.

AND WE HAVE NOT HAD AN

OPPORTUNITY AS [bleep]

TO THANK YOU, WHITE PEOPLE,

FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LET

OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF,

A [bleep],

RUN THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY.

WE APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM.

YOU LET THE [bleep]

SHOW UP TO WORK.

WE THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

WHITE PEOPLE.

UNDERSTAND THAT, FROM [bleep].

NOW, WHAT YOU NEED

TO UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

IS WE HAVE BEEN

CONFUSED EVER SINCE THE [bleep]

GOT ELECTED.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep]

IS GOING ON.

WE WORKING ON FAITH.

WHITE PEOPLE, UNDERSTAND.

WHEN A [bleep] TAKE THE OFFICE,

AS [bleep], WE HAVE A MEETING.

THE WHITE PEOPLE:

"WHAT?"

[laughter]

AS [bleep], WE HAVE A MEETING.

WE DECIDED WE WAS GONNA SUPPORT

HIM.

NOW, AS A [bleep],

IT IS HARD FOR US

TO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT WHAT

A MOTHER[bleep] DOING ON HIS

GODDAMN JOB.

THAT'S KIND OF OUR SHIT,

IS TO TALK SHIT ABOUT WHAT

THE [bleep] YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

NOW, [bleep] SOMEHOW SWALLOWED

ALL THAT.

AND [bleep] SUPPORTED OBAMA

EVERY STEP OF THE GODDAMN WAY.

AND IN THE BEGINNING, WE WAS

TALKING WITH BASS IN OUR VOICE

AND USING GESTURES AND STOMPING

OUR FEET AND SHIT.

JUST, "LOOK, HOW LONG DID IT

TAKE YOU MOTHER[bleep] TO RUN

THIS COUNTRY IN THE GODDAMN

GROUND?

NOW YOU WANT THIS [bleep]

TO DO MAGIC."

THAT WAS US EIGHT MONTHS

AFTER THE ELECTION.

THAT WAS US.

FOUR MONTHS AFTER THAT, WE HAD

LOST ALL THE BASS IN OUR VOICE.

WE'RE JUST, "LOOK, WE DON'T

KNOW WHAT THIS [bleep] DOING.

BUT HE'S TRYING, OKAY?

YOU GOT TO GIVE THIS [bleep]

A CHANCE.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep]

HE WORKING WITH RIGHT NOW.

HE..."

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