Larry Miller & Jeff Joseph

  • Season 1, Ep 0107
  • 02/24/1992

HOW DID I KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I LIED.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

YOU SEEM HOT.

NOT YOU, BABE.

I MEAN, I'M... AGAIN

NOT THAT I'M... DOES IT MATTER,BUT YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU MARRIED?I'M JUST CURIOUS.

YOU GUYS MARRIED?

NO RING?

NO RING, TABLE TWO.

NO RING.

WHO AM I TALKING?

FORGET ABOUT RINGS.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

MY LAST-- I JUST BROKE UPWITH AN ACTRESS WHO...

LOOK, I'M NOT... OBVIOUSLY...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ME OR NOT

BUT I'M NO GIFT, OKAY?

BUT THIS WOMAN LIVED

IN A PREDOMINANTLY ANXIOUSSECTION OF TOWN.

THERE'S NO DOUBT-- IN MY LIFE...

SHE WAS LIKE...ACTRESSES, IT'S THE HARDEST.

LOOK, THERE'S A RECESSION.

EVERYBODY HAS IT TOUGH NOW,BUT ACTORS, IT'S TOUGH

BUT NEVERTHELESS,SHE WAS WACKO, OKAY?

SHE WAS AN ONLY CHILD, BUT SHESTILL HAD A SIBLING RIVALRY

WHICH I FELT WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW.

IN HER BACKYARD,SHE HAD A SET OF MOOD SWINGS.

ISN'T THAT A DEAD GIVEAWAY?

AND SHE'S A HOST--

ACTORS USUALLY HAVETO BE WAITERS OR WAITRESSES

DURING THE DAY.

SHE WAS A HOSTESS.

SO WE'D GO TO,LIKE, A RESTAURANT.

SHE'D GO, "TABLE FOR ME,TABLE FOR ME"

WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

AND THEN WE'D HAVE PARTIES.

SHE ACTUALLY WENTTO ONE OF THESE LIKE--

I THINK IT WAS CALLED PIPS--THESE XEROX JOINTS.

THEY'RE GOOD.

SHE MADE-- IT COST ME--

I GLADLY PAID 100 BUCKS FORTHE INVITATIONS FOR A PARTY

"COME BE BITTERFROM 8:00 TO 11:00"

WHICH WAS SORT OF SAD.

BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHATLIFE IS ALL ABOUT, YOU KNOW.

IN FACT, SHE JUST WENTTO NEW YORK

AND I HAD TO PICK HER UPLAST NIGHT AT L.A.X.

WE'RE SHOOTING HERE IN L.A.

SHE'S A LITTLE WACKY.

I MEAN, I'M NOT...

AGAIN, MULTI-PERSONALITIES,I'M NOT KNOCKING IT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT A GOOD THING

BUT SHE ANSWEREDEVERY PAGE AT THE AIRPORT.

IT WAS LIKE,"CALL FOR DR. PHIL GARMIN."

AND SHE WENT, "THAT MIGHTBE ME, THAT MIGHT BE ME."

SO THAT WASA LITTLE EMBARRASSING.

BUT KNOW WHAT'SNOT EMBARRASSING?

SO EVEN IF YOU HATE ME,TRY TO LAUGH ANYWAY

BECAUSE I ALREADY GOTA LOT OF TAPES WHERE I BOMB.

THANK YOU.

I'D LIKE TO START OFF TONIGHTWITH AN OLD JOKE.

THIS GUY PICKED UPA DUMB HITCHHIKER

AND HE SAID, "BEFORE WE GO

"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGWITH MY RIGHT REAR BLINKER.

YOU GO BACK THERE AND CHECK IT."

AND THE GUY WENT BACK THEREAND HE SAID, "IS IT WORKING?"

AND THE DUMB HITCHHIKER SAID

"YES, IT IS.NO, IT'S NOT.

YES, IT IS-- NO, IT'S NOT."

( laughter )

"YES, IT IS.NO, IT'S NOT."

I CAN KEEP THIS UP ALL NIGHT FORTHE BENEFIT OF THE SLOW PEOPLE.

I'VE BEEN VERY DEPRESSED.

I READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID YOURCAR REFLECTS YOUR PERSONALITY.

I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

( laughter )

HEY, I GOT GOOD NEWS.

I GOT BACK $8,000ON MY INCOME TAX.

( applause )

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THE BAD NEWS ISI'M GOING TO PRISON.

( laughter )

I SAW THAT MOVIE FATAL ATTRACTION AGAIN

SOMETIMES KNOWNBY ITS OTHER TITLE

DAMN, I SHOULD HAVE GOT A HOOKER.

( laughter )

IT'S NICE PERFORMINGWHEN PEOPLE AREN'T DRINKING.

THAT'S KIND OF NICE.

NOW THEY'VE FOUND OUTTHAT ALCOHOLISM IS INHERITED.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE OLD MAN WILL ALWAYSHAVE SOMEBODY TO DRINK WITH?

THEY GOT THOSEREHAB CENTER ADVERTISEMENTS.

AND THE GUY SAYS, "WOULD YOUBELIEVE THAT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO METHAN MY WIFE?"

"YES, BECAUSE WE'RE LOOKINGAT YOUR WIFE."

( laughter )

I KNOW THIS COUPLE.

HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC FOR YEARS,SHE STICKS BY HIM.

SHE KEEPS SAYING,"I THINK HE'S GOING TO CHANGE."

OH, YEAH, FROM JIM BEAMTO JACK DANIELS.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

TOO MUCH DRINKINGWILL FOUL YOU UP.

A FEW YEARS AGO, I HADA GOOD SHOW BUSINESS JOB.

I WAS AN M.C.FOR SEALS AND CROFTS.

AFTER ONE SHOW, SEALS AND CROFTSFIRED ME BECAUSE I GOT DRUNK.

INTRODUCED THEMAS ARTS AND CRAFTS.

A TINY, TINY TOWN OVER IN...YEAH, SQUIRT, WASHINGTON.

VERY LITTLE TOWN, SQUIRT.

THE BOWLING ALLEY IN SQUIRTONLY HAS ONE LANE

AND TWO OF THE PINS ARE MISSING.

A PERFECT GAME IS LIKE 204,I DON'T KNOW.

ONE TIME, I WENTTO THE SQUIRT SKI LODGE.

WHAT A CHEAP SKI LODGE.

THERE'S NO CHAIR LIFT.

THEY HAVE MEAT HOOKS RUNNINGUP AND DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

LEFT MY MOM IN SEATTLE.

IS YOUR MOM LIKE THIS?

ALL MY LIFE, MY MOM HAS BEEN TIRED.

HOW COME MOTHERS ARE SO TIRED?

SHE'S BONE TIRED, SHE'S DOGTIRED, SHE'S OVERLY TIRED.

I KEEP TELLING HER,"MOM, YOU NEED SOME CRACK."

( laughter )

SHE WENT TROUGHTHAT REINCARNATION PHASE.

"I'VE LIVED BEFORE.

I JUST KNOW I'VE LIVED BEFORE."

"RIGHT, MOM, MAYBE THAT'SWHY YOU'RE SO TIRED."

( scattered applause )

A NICE CROWD TONIGHTAT THE MUSIC HALL HERE.

WHY DON'T WE ALL GO DOWNTO THE BUS DEPOT

AND PLAY, "GEE, I'M GLADI'M NOT THAT GUY"?

REMEMBER HANDS ACROSS AMERICA--

ALL THOSE PEOPLE JOINED HANDSFROM THE WEST TO EAST COAST?

REMEMBER THE PEOPLEIN THE MOUNTAINS?

"THIS IDEA SUCKS!"

REMEMBER MR. AND MRS. REAGAN?

THEY GOT IN AT THE LAST MINUTE.

THEY JOINED HANDSON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

BOY, THEY REALLY PUTTHEMSELVES OUT, DIDN'T THEY?

( scattered laughter )

REAGAN ALWAYS SAIDSOMETHING I NEVER UNDERSTOOD

ABOUT THE RUSSIANS--"TRUST, BUT VERIFY"

WHICH MAKES NO SENSE.

IF I TRUST MY GIRLFRIEND

WHEN SHE SAYS SHE WAS HOMEBY HERSELF LAST NIGHT

I DON'T HAVE TO VERIFYBY CHECKING UP

WHICH I DID,AND SHE'S A LYING BITCH.

( laughter )

WHAT'S GOING ONWITH TED KOPPEL'S HAIR?

IT LOOKS LIKEIT'S GETTING BIGGER

LIKE IT'S EATING HIS HEAD.

YOU'VE NOTICED THAT, TOO?

READ ABOUT THE COUPLE

THEY LOST THE $10 MILLIONIN THE McDONALD'S CONTEST

BECAUSE THEIR DAUGHTERWAS AN EMPLOYEE?

WHAT A DOUBLE WHAMMYTO LOSE THE $10 MILLION

PLUS THE EMBARRASSMENTOF HAVING EVERYBODY KNOW

THEY GOT A RELATIVEWORKING AT McDONALD'S.

WENT TO A REALFANCY RESTAURANT RECENTLY.

38 WAITERS FOR ONE TABLE.

THEY SPECIALIZE,THOSE FANCY RESTAURANTS.

THE BUTTER WAITER CAME OVERAND GAVE US SOME BUTTER.

THE COFFEE WAITER CAME OVERAND GAVE US SOME COFFEE.

THE WATER WAITER CAME OVERAND GAVE US SOME WATER.

THE HEAD WAITER CAME OVER...THEY REALLY SPECIALIZE.

"HOW MUCH TIME WE GOT?

HOW WE DOING ON TIME?"

( laughter )

A LOT OF APPLAUSE.

I REALLY HATE GUYS WHO,NO MATTER WHAT THE SUBJECT IS

THEY GET IT BACK TO SEX.

"HEY, DID YOU FEEL THEEARTHQUAKE THIS MORNING?"

"YEAH, I FELT THE EARTH QUAKE...IN MY PANTS."

"HEY, YOU THINK THERE'S REALLYSUCH A THING AS GLOBAL WARMING?"

"YEAH, THERE'S GLOBAL WARMING...IN MY PANTS."

WHAT ABOUT THIS DEAL?

YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWERTO BLOW DRY YOUR HAIR.

AFTER A FEW SECONDS,YOU TURN OFF THE HAIR DRYER

BECAUSE IT PRODUCES A NOISE

WHICH MAKES YOU THINKYOU HEARD THE PHONE RING.

IS THAT THE DEVIL?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

( laughter )

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLEDON'T DO THEIR JOBS.

IT'S RAMPANT IN THIS COUNTRY TODAY.

THERE'S A COMPANY

YOU KNOW BY THEIR NAME THEY'RENOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING--

U-HAUL.

( laughter )

SO I DO THAT JOKE ON TV.

A GUY ACTUALLY CALLED ME UPFROM U-HAUL COMPLAINING.

I SAID, "HEY, IT'S JUSTA JOKE, MR. DOOLITTLE."

I ALWAYS HAVE CAR TROUBLE.

I HAD A 1979 CHRYSLER.

TALK ABOUT UNDER-POWERED--

I WAS DRIVING, I PUSHED INTHE CIGARETTE LIGHTER

THE CAR SLOWED DOWN.

( laughter )

I LIKE ELDERLY PEOPLE UNLESSTHEY BRAG ABOUT THEIR AGE.

"LOOK AT ME.

I'M 94 YEARS OLD."

"WELL, GOOD, THAT MEANSYOU'LL BE PASSING AWAY SOON."

( laughter )

I CAN'T STAND "DEAR ABBY."

SHE THINKS SHE'S SUCH HOT STUFF.

AROUND THE HOLIDAYS ONE YEAR,ABBY ACTUALLY SAID

"MY NEW YEAR'SRESOLUTIONS COLUMN

HAS BECOME AN ANNUAL TRADITION."

WELL, MOVE OVER, SANTAAND THE CHRIST CHILD.

( laughter )

IF YOU'VE NEVER READ "DEAR ABBY"

SHE WRITES THE COLUMNFOR A LOT OF MORONS

WHO CAN'T SOLVETHEIR OWN PROBLEMS.

THEY SEEK ADVICEFROM THIS ONE CENTRAL MORON.

IT'S A WONDERFUL COLUMN.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE"DEAR ABBY" LETTER OF ALL TIME.

THIS IS FROM A JOHN SMITH.

I HOPE I AMPRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.

I'LL TRY TO READ ITDRAMATICALLY.

"DEAR ABBY,I WORK IN A SEWER.

"BECAUSE THE WORKIS SO DEPRESSING

"I STARTED TAKING PEP PILLS.

"I GOT HOOKEDAND MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL.

"ONE NIGHT WITH GOD'S HELPI FLUSHED THOSE HORRIBLE PILLS

"DOWN THE TOILETONCE AND FOR ALL.

"BUT THE NEXT DAY, WHEN I WENTBACK TO WORK IN THE SEWER

THERE THEY WERE AGAIN."

( laughter )

( applause )

PROP.

HERE'S A GOOD THING TO DO--CALL THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.

WHEN THEY SAY,"WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?"

SAY, "NOTHING, THANKS,I'M JUST LOOKING."

WHILE I WAS TALKINGABOUT MY EX, THE ACTRESS

BUT I SWEAR,YOU KNOW IT'S TOUGH.

IT'S A RECESSION, I SAID THAT

BUT THIS WOMAN WAS AN EGOMANIAC.

I MEAN, WE WOULD MAKE LOVE.

SHE WENT, "I REALLY WANTTO MAKE LOVE ON MY GOOD SIDE"

WHICH, OF COURSE, CAUSEDPROBLEMS FOR ME, YOU KNOW.

NO, SHE'D HAVE AN ORGASM,SHE WOULD SAY, "I LOVE ME!"

NOT GOOD, NOT GOODFOR A GUY IN BED...

IF YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL.

BUT SHE WAS REALLY...I DON'T KNOW.

SHE, YOU KNOW,SHE WAS AN EGOMANIAC.

NOT THAT I'M NOT, I MEAN, I HAVENO SELF-ESTEEM, SO I CAN'T BE.

ALTHOUGH, I THINK MY KNEEIS VERY COCKY.

BUT THIS WOMAN WAS...I DON'T KNOW, WE MADE LOVE

AND, I DON'T KNOW,I THOUGHT SHE HAD AN ORGASM.

I SAID,"DID YOU HAVE AN ORGASM?"

SHE SAID, "YEAH, BUT I WASHOPING FOR A SERIES."

SO THAT'S, YOU KNOW.

AND I DIDN'T BUY ITBECAUSE I NEEDED ONE.

I HAD AN OLD VOLKSWAGEN.

I JUST GOT TIRED OF PULLINGMY OLD VOLKSWAGEN

UP TO THOSE PEOPLEWITH THE BIG MERCEDES

AND GETTING THEIR ATTITUDE.

THEY JUST LOOK OVER AT YOU LIKE,"HI, SCUM.

( laughter )

"WHY MUST I LOOKUPON YOUR FAILURE?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE ME?"

( laughter, applause )

ACTUALLY L.A. IS VERY DANGEROUS.

I CARRY A GUN IN MY CAR.

THAT WAY,IN CASE THE POLICE STOP ME

I CAN FEND THEM OFFUNTIL THE PRESS GETS THERE.

( applause and cheering )

RODNEY KING, BOY.

DID YOU WATCH ANY OF THIS TRIALWHICH WAS ON TELEVISION?

IT WAS INTERESTINGBECAUSE THEY SAID

THAT RODNEY WAS DRIVINGDOWN THE FREEWAY

DOING 115 MILES AN HOUR...

IN A HYUNDAI.

( laughter )

PEOPLE CONTACTEDTHE HYUNDAI COMPANY WHICH SAID

"DAMN, OUR CAR DOESN'T EVENFALL THAT FAST."

( laughter )

"SCHWINNS BEAT OUR ASS."

AND NOW, YOU KNOW,CHIEF OF POLICE DARYL GATES--

"THE FUHRER"--

HE WANTS TO COME OUTWITH A VIDEO

TO TEACH PEOPLE THE CORRECT WAYTO GET ARRESTED.

( laughter )

FIRST, STEP OUT OF YOUR CAR.

PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.

KNOCK YOUR FOREHEAD AGAINST THEROOF OF THAT CAR 40 OR 50 TIMES.

IT'S VERY DISCOURAGING.

( applause )

A GOOD 12 PEOPLE.

THE REST OF YOU GOING TO VOTE?

Audience:NO!

WHAT A CALIFORNIA CROWD.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO VOTE

UNLESS IT'S LIKE REALLY SUNNYTHAT DAY OR SOMETHING.

( scattered applause )

YOU SCARE ME.

THIS IS A VERYIMPORTANT ELECTION.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUSTONE BAD JAPANESE MEAL AWAY

FROM QUAYLE BEING PRESIDENT.

IF QUAYLE WERE EVER PRESIDENT

GERALD FORD WOULD BEWALKING AROUND LIKE

"HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

( laughter )

AND WE HAVE TO GET BUSHOUT OF OFFICE.

BUSH DOES NOT GIVE A DAMNABOUT US.

HE DOESN'T.

( cheering )

ALL THOSE NON-VOTINGPEOPLE CLAPPING, YEAH.

HE DOESN'T.

YOU HEAR HIS NEWHEALTH CARE PLAN?

HE SAID, "MY NEWHEALTH CARE PLAN? STAY HEALTHY.

( laughter )

"LOOK AT MY WIFE, BARBARA--

600 YEARS OLD,NEVER SEEN A DOCTOR."

( applause )

"ME, I GET ANY SICKNESSOUT OF MY SYSTEM.

"I THROW IT UP--

CANCER, HEART PROBLEMS,THEY COME RIGHT OUT OF ME."

NOW HE'S TRYINGTO GET OUT OF THAT TAX SNAFU

HE DID A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

HE'S TRYING TO WRANGLEHIS WAY OUT OF THAT.

"I NEVER SAID, 'NO NEW TAXES.'

"I SAID, 'NO NEW TEXAS.'

"IT'S TOO BIG.

I'M HOLDING THE LINE RIGHTTHERE, NO NEW TEXAS."

BUT IT'S GOOD,BECAUSE BUCHANAN TREATS BUSH

LIKE BUSH USED TO TREAT DUKAKIS.

BUCHANAN JUST COMES OUT AND SAYS

"SO, MY COMMUNIST LIBERALFAGGOT OPPONENT OVER HERE..."

( applause, laughter )

AND IRON GEORGE,HE FIGHTS RIGHT BACK.

HE'S LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE,I AM NOT A LIBERAL."

( laughter )

YEAH, WE GOT TO GET RID OF BUSH,WE GOT TO GET RID OF QUAYLE.

I DISLIKE QUAYLE, BECAUSE THEONLY REASON HE GOT THE JOB

IS BECAUSE HE KNEW WHEN TO LIE.

SAID HE WAS INTHE NATIONAL GUARD

FOR SIX YEARS IN THE 1960s

AND HE NEVER ONCESMOKED A JOINT.

( burst of laughter )

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO ALLTHESE YOUNG CANDIDATES TODAY?

THEY ALL HAVE TO MAKETHIS STATEMENT LIKE

"WELL, I SMOKED ONE JOINTABOUT 15, 20 YEARS AGO

AND I AM CRUCIALLYAND UNEQUIVOCALLY SORRY."

( laughter )

SEE, I WANT A CANDIDATETHAT'S HAD... EXPERIENCE.

( laughter )

I WANT A CONGRESSMAN THAT SMOKEDTHAI STICK, GANJA, SINSEMILLA.

I WANT A HIP,COMPASSIONATE LEGISLATOR.

REPORTERS WOULD ASK HIMA QUESTION

"MR. SENATOR, WHAT AREYOUR THOUGHTS ON ABORTION?"

( pretends to inhale )

"BITCH DON'T WANTTO HAVE THE BABY..."

( laughter, hooting )

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLEARGUMENT GETS RIDICULOUS.

I SEE THESE TWO WOMENON GERALDO AND THEY'RE ARGUING

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT KILLINGSPERM CONSTITUTES ABORTION.

I HOPE NOT, BECAUSE IF SO

ME AND SCOTT PAPER TOWEL COMPANYARE GOING TO JAIL.

"BUT YOUR HONOR, IT WASTHE QUICKER PICKER UPPER."

YEAH, I GUESS HE'S JUSTGOT AN EATING DISORDER.

YEAH, HE DOESN'T NEED PRISONTIME, HE JUST NEEDS JENNY CRAIG.

AND MIKE TYSON WASSURPRISINGLY CONVICTED

DESPITE HIS BRILLIANT DEFENSE.

"SHE WANTED IT!

( laughter )

"SHE WANTED IT, YOUR HONOR.

THEY ALL WANT IT FROM ME."

AND WHO AMONG USWOULDN'T WANT IT

FROM BRIGHT, CHEERFUL,CUDDLY, KIND MIKE?

"MOTHER TERESA WANTS IT.

"COME ON, SHE'S WEARING SHEETS.

SHE'S READY FOR BED."

NOW, IF THOMAS WAS HIS JUDGE,HE'D BE A FREE MAN TODAY.

"MIKE, APPROACH THE BENCH, MAN.

"NOBODY LISTENS TO THESE GIRLS.

"JUST HAVE A PUBIC HAIR,A COKE AND A SMILE

AND YOU GET OUT OF HERE."

I SAY, PUT TYSONIN A CELL WITH DAHMER.

"BUT HE WANTED IT, YOUR HONOR!

PROBLEM IS,NOW HE WON'T GIVE IT BACK."

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