CC Presents: Rudy Rush

  • Season 8, Ep 26
  • 05/27/2004

WHAT'S UP?

EVERYBODY LOOKS GOOD, LADIES,

LOOKING GOOD TONIGHT.

MAN, YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.

[CHEERING]

A LOT OF SINGLE LADIES IN THE

HOUSE.

SINGLE?

[CHEERING]

I HEARD THAT EARLIER.

SINGLE LADIES, I'M AT A POINT IN

MY LIFE--

THAT'S MY CAREER GOAL NOW.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BECAUSE SINGLE IS HARD.

BUT LADIES LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANNA GET WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU KNOW--

I'M AT A POINT IN MY LIFE--

I'M ALMOST 30 AND I WANT SOME

KIDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME--

ALL YOU'RE GONNA HEAR IS THE

SORRY.

I'M SORRY-- I'M SORRY--

I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, GIRL.

I'M SORRY-- I'M SORRY.

I TOLD YOUR MOM I'M GONNA DO

THIS.

I'M SORRY-- I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY

TIMES IS HARD, MAN.

PEOPLE TRYING TO GET MARRIED.

ALL MY BOYS GETTING MARRIED.

I WANNA GET MARRIED NOW.

MARRIAGE IS THE KEY FOR ME

BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.

SINGLE GUYS KNOW.

I'M LIKE A CHILD LIVING BY

MYSELF.

REALLY, I LEAVE STUFF ON THE

STOVE WHILE I'M SLEEPING.

I WASH MY ASS WITH THE SAME

RAG I WASH THE DISHES WITH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND GUYS, YOU KNOW, WE DO.

WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

WE GO TO WOMEN'S HOUSE THEY GOT

EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY?

YOU GO IN THE BATHROOM YOU DON'T

EVEN HAVE TO ASK FOR ANYTHING.

GO IN THE BATHROOM IT'S A NICE

LITTLE TOWEL.

NICE LITTLE RAG AND GO AHEAD

WASH YOURSELF UP.

LADIES, YOU EVER STAY AT A GUY'S

HOUSE A LITTLE TOO LATE?

SPEND THE NIGHT BY ACCIDENT.

NEXT DAY YOU WANNA TAKE A

SHOWER.

YOU GOT A TOWEL OR SOMETHING?

WE'RE LIKE-- UH...

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SOME FUBU SWEATPANTS OVER

THERE YOU CAN DRY OFF WITH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY DON'T LIKE THOSE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ANOTHER THING I READ THIS IN

AN ARTICLE, THIS IS TRUE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT WOMEN ARE

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEIR BODIES.

LADIES, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

A LOT OF THINGS YOU LADIES DON'T

LIKE ABOUT YOUR BODIES, MEN,

WE LOVE IT.

DON'T WE, FELLAS?

WE DO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE ME, I LOVE A WOMAN WHO GOT

STRETCH MARKS ON HER BUTT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, BECAUSE IT LOOK LIKE SHE

GOT ON TIGER PRINT DRAWERS OR

SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

JUST-- GALLOP INTO THE HOUSE

LIKE THAT, WILL YOU?

DO THAT LITTLE TIGER MOVE,

LIKE-- LITTLE BEYONCE FOR ME.

NO, BECAUSE LADIES, YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND.

SEE YOU INSECURITIES MAKE US

LIKE-- YOU KNOW-- IT MAKES US

ANGRY BECAUSE Y'ALL WANNA HAVE

SEX IN THE DARK.

TURN THE LIGHTS OUT.

"CAN I PUT ON A CANDLE--"

"NO, ALL THE LIGHTS."

[LAUGHTER]

"CAN I PUT THE TV ON--"

"NO, ALL THE LIGHTS."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SEE WHAT YOU WOMEN DON'T

UNDERSTAND, FOR MEN, IT'S

VISUAL.

WE NEED TO SEE THINGS, WE NEED

TO SEE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS,

WE NEED TO SEE ARMS MOVING,

SWEAT DRIPPING.

PLUS, IN THE DARK, THAT [BLEEP]

IS SCARY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

COULD BE GOING ON IN THAT ROOM.

IT COULD BE LITTLE TROLLS IN

THE CORNER WATCHING YOU HAVE

SEX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED MY ASS,

SHARON.

"YUM YUM!"

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

TURN THE LIGHT ON, I'M SCARED.

[APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S ALWAYS LIKE--

IT'S DIFFERENT TYPES OF WOMEN.

LIKE I'M TRYING TO DATE ANYBODY.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE OLDER WOMEN.

THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU, DON'T

THEY FELLAS?

YOU GO OVER THEIR HOUSE THEY

GOT YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM.

[LAUGHTER]

AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN, "I GOT

THAT VANILLA AND CHOCOLATE CHIP

YOU LIKE."

YOU LIKE, OH-HO-HO-HO!

[LAUGHTER]

I AIN'T NEVER GOING HOME, I'M

STAYING RIGHT HERE.

ONLY THING WITH DATING AN OLDER

WOMAN, YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS

HAVE TO HAVE THAT LEVEL OF

RESPECT FOR HER, YOU KNOW,

RIGHT?

YOU DO.

EVEN WHEN YOU INTRODUCE HER TO

YOUR FRIENDS, YOU ALWAYS GOTTA

BE LIKE-- RESPECTFUL.

YEAH, THAT'S MY MAN T.

THAT'S MY MAN ROB.

THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND,

MISS BARBARA.

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR BOYS ARE LIKE--

YOU DOING MISS BARBARA?

YEAH, THAT'S ME.

THAT'S ME.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

NO, I KNOW I AM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW,

MAN, 'CAUSE LIKE WOMEN, Y'ALL

ALWAYS SAY THAT'S THE FIRST

THING.

YOU GUYS ARE SO NASTY.

SO, SO NASTY.

WE ALL ARE.

JUST APPRECIATE IT, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE DIFFERENT.

WOMEN, Y'ALL GET TO GROW INTO

YOUR HORMONES.

GUYS, WE'RE NASTY FROM THE DAY

WE'RE BORN.

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, YOU EVER GO INTO YOUR

LITTLE BROTHER'S ROOM OR YOUR

SON'S ROOM.

THEY ALWAYS HUMPING ON

SOMETHING.

YOU'RE LIKE "WHAT THE HELL YOU

"NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

"PLAYING WITH MY TOYS."

"YOU LITTLE NASTY BASTARD."

[LAUGHTER]

AND GUYS, WE GO THROUGH STAGES

OF IT, DON'T WE?

WE DO.

REMEMBER-- THIS IS THE PERFECT

EXAMPLE.

FELLAS, REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE

WERE ABOUT 14, 15.

EVERY GUY HAS THAT ONE FRIEND

THEIR MOTHER HAD, FINE AS I

DON'T KNOW WHAT.

SHE HAS NO HUSBAND, NO

BOYFRIEND, SHE ALWAYS COME BY

THE HOUSE.

ALWAYS TREAT YOU NICE.

NOW SHE'S ALWAYS FLIRTING WITH

YOU.

"HMMM.

GETTING NICE AND HANDSOME GOT

A LITTLE MOUSTACHE.

I'M GONNA START TAKING YOU OUT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE MY LITTLE

BOYFRIEND."

AND YOUR MOTHER SEES IT AS A

JOKE.

SO SHE'S PLAYING ALONG WITH IT.

SHE'S LIKE-- "YOU BETTER WATCH

OUT, MISS PAM GONNA GET SOME

OF THAT.

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT."

I'M LIKE, "I'M ABOUT TO START

HAVING SEX WITH YOUR FRIEND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE GOT ONE TIME TO SPEND THE

NIGHT, THAT ASS IS MINES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND WOMEN, YOU GUYS ARE SO

SMART, BUT YOU ACT LIKE YOU

DON'T KNOW THAT WE'RE NASTY.

YOU THINK YOU GOT EVERYTHING

COVERED BUT YOU DON'T KNOW.

WE'RE NASTY ALL THE TIME EVEN

WHEN YOU GO OUT ON A FIRST DATE.

YOU EVER GO OUT ON A FIRST DATE,

LADIES?

THE GUY IS PERFECT, RIGHT?

WALKS YOU TO THE CAR, OPENS

YOUR DOOR.

WALKS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE

STREET, PAYS FOR THE MEAL,

GOT GOOD CONVERSATION.

GOOD CAREER GOALS.

BUT RIGHT WHEN HE WALKS YOU TO

YOUR DOOR, YOU'RE LIKE--

"I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THIS HAS BEEN GREAT."

WHAT DO GUYS SAY, LADIES?

"UMM...

I CAN'T COME IN FOR A MINUTE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND Y'ALL TRY TO KEEP US OUT.

YOU'RE LIKE-- "NO, IT'S A LITTLE

TOO SOON I REALLY LIKE YOU.

IF YOU COME IN THINGS MIGHT

HAPPEN.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M

THAT WAY."

AND GUYS, WE ACT LIKE WE ARE.

WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH, TRUE,

TRUE.

UMM...

[LAUGHTER]

CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES, DO NOT LET US IN,

BECAUSE WE WILL GET SOME IF

YOU LET US IN THE HOUSE.

WE HAVE TRICKS.

COME ON, THERE'S A LOT OF

LADIES IN HERE HAD SEX QUICKER

THAN THEY ANTICIPATED.

COME ON.

LADIES, YOU GUYS BREAK DOWN AND

YOU GUYS BE LIKE-- ALL RIGHT,

GO AHEAD IN THE BATHROOM,

PUT ON A CONDOM.

FELLAS, WE GO IN THE BATHROOM,

LADY'S IN THE BED BUTT NAKED

LOOKING AT THE CEILING TALKING

TO THEMSELVES.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA DO

IT THIS SOON."

[LAUGHTER]

AND GUYS, WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM,

LIKE, "[MANIACAL LAUGHTER].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AM EVIL."

Rudy Rush: AND WOMEN, Y'ALL

TAKE BREAKUPS BETTER THAN GUYS

BECAUSE Y'ALL GOT GIRLFRIENDS,

Y'ALL SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

MEETING, AT 08:00 HOURS AT

MY HOUSE.

Y'ALL SYNCHRONIZE YOUR WATCHES,

GO OVER THERE, GIVE SUPPORT.

GUYS DON'T DO THAT-- LIKE MAN,

COME ON MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

GUYS DON'T DO THAT.

WOMEN, Y'ALL SEE THERE AND Y'ALL

PLAN OUT YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

YOU ALREADY KNOW.

YOU SIT DOWN-- YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR NEXT

RELATIONSHIP.

NEXT PERSON I DATE, IS GONNA

LOVE ME FOR ME.

DON'T PUT ME THROUGH THIS BS,

TREAT ME AS A PERSON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FELLAS, GUYS, WE DON'T THINK

THAT DEEP, DO WE?

ALL WE THINK IS-- I JUST WANT

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND TO LOOK BETTER

THAN HER ASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S STUPID,

I DON'T CARE IF SHE GOT NO JOB,

JUST LOOK BETTER THAN HER.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW-- YOU WANNA BE

IN THE STREET LIKE--

YEAH, YOU MESSED UP.

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOUR NEW

GIRLFRIEND LOOKS YOUR OLD

GIRLFRIEND GONNA FIND SOMETHING

WRONG WITH HER.

WOMEN, YOU DO THAT.

Y'ALL SEE US WALKING WITH OUR

NEW GIRLFRIEND AND THEN YOU

CATCH US BY OURSELVES ONE DAY

AND WALK UP ON US AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

I SEEN YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND LAST WEEK, MMM-HMM.

SHE'S CUTE.

I LIKE HER LITTLE DEAD EYE AND

EVERYTHING."

YOU KNOW.

DAMN!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SAW THAT?

'CAUSE MEN, YOU KNOW, WE'RE

SHALLOW.

WE'LL DATE A WOMAN WITH A DEAD

EYE, BECAUSE IT LOOK GOOD WHEN

YOU'RE HAVING SEX.

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, FELLAS, YOU EVER DATE

A GIRL WITH A DEAD EYE?

THAT LOOK GOOD, YOU BE LIKE

THIS, SHE BE LIKE-- HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK SHE CRYING BECAUSE

IT FEEL GOOD, SHE'S JUST DIDN'T

PUT NO MEDICINE IN IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MEN.

YEAH-- WOMEN--

YOU GUYS TREAT US BAD WHEN IT

COMES TO OUR HYGIENE.

WE CAN'T WALK TO Y'ALL THE WAY

Y'ALL TALK TO US.

Y'ALL GOTTA STOP THAT.

Y'ALL GOTTA BE A LITTLE NICER.

COME ON, RIGHT?

RIGHT, FELLAS?

LADIES, THEY COME OVER, WHAT DO

THEY SAY?

[APPLAUSE]

"COME HERE.

COME HERE.

OPEN-- OPEN YOUR LEGS.

GO WASH YOUR ASS, YOU STINK."

[LAUGHTER]

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I SMELLED.

FELLAS, WE CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN

LIKE THAT, WE'D BE OUT ON THE

STREET WITH OUR STUFF, RIGHT?

LIKE YOU SAID I STINK, I CAN'T

SAY YOU STINK?

IT'S NO WAY YOU CAN TELL A

WOMAN SHE'S NOT FRESH, IS THERE?

THERE'S NO GOOD WAY TO--

HOW YOU GONNA DO IT?

YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE-- "UMMM,

UMMM, WAS YOU RUNNING TODAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SMELL LIKE YOU WAS IN A

LITTLE TRACK MEET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

THINGS ARE GOING CRAZY IN THE

WORLD TODAY.

9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING,

BLACK PEOPLE DIFFERENT.

WHITE PEOPLE DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHITE PEOPLE-- LET ME TELL

Y'ALL SOMETHING.

Y'ALL THEM TERRORISTS IS

LOOKING FOR ALL OF US.

THEY LOOKING FOR YOUR ASSES.

BLACK PEOPLE, DON'T YOU HATE

THAT?

AFTER THEY HAPPENED, THEY CAME

TO WORK, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

THEY AFTER ALL OF US."

NA-AH.

I LIVE IN HARLEM.

THEY'RE NOT COMING TO MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND BLACK PEOPLE, WE BE

TRIPPING NOW, TOO.

WE ALWAYS COMPLAIN "I CAN'T

CATCH A CAB TO SAVE MY LIFE".

LET ONE OF THEM BROTHERS WITH

THE TURBAN COME OVER NOW,

WE BE LIKE "NAH, NAH, GO AHEAD,

GO AHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

GO AHEAD. I'M GONNA WAIT FOR

ONE OF THEM ASIANS OR AFRICANS.

I AIN'T MESSING WITH YOU, BRO."

"I'LL TAKE YOU TO BROOKLYN."

"NO NO, BOOM BOOM."

[LAUGHTER]

AIN'T MESSING WITH YOU.

EVERYBODY WAS SURPRISED THE

SNIPER WAS BLACK.

I WASN'T SURPRISED, MAN.

I WAS JUST A LITTLE FRIGHTENED

BECAUSE IT TOUCHED HOME WITH ME,

BECAUSE MY COUSIN, HE BECAME A

REVEREND IN VIRGINIA AND WE HAD

TO DRIVE DOWN THERE, THE WHOLE

FAMILY.

AND THEY DIDN'T CATCH THE SNIPER

YET.

IT'S ME, MY MOTHER, MY UNCLE,

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

MY UNCLE'S 85.

I SAID YOUR ASS IS PUMPING GAS,

YOU LIVED A FULL LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE WAS OUT THERE--

GAS ALL OVER--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WATCH YOUR HEAD.

WE WERE SCARING HIM.

WE WERE LIKE-- "WATCH OUT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PEOPLE WERE-- LIKE BLACK PEOPLE

WERE SURPRISED.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--

BLACK PEOPLE--

I WASN'T SURPRISED BECAUSE WE

DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD BLACK

LEADERS ANYMORE.

BLACK PEOPLE JUST DOING WHATEVER

THEY WANNA DO.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MARTIN

LUTHER KING NO MORE,

NO MALCOLM X.

LIKE THE LAST GOOD BLACK LEADER

WE HAD WAS PUBLIC ENEMY.

[LAUGHTER]

NO REALLY, THINK ABOUT IT,

WHO DO WE HAVE, JESSE JACKSON?

NOW, COME ON.

JESSE DID A LOT OF GOOD STUFF

BUT HE MADE ME MAD BECAUSE

YOU KNOW HE HAD THAT BABY OUT OF

WEDLOCK AND EVERYTHING.

BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE THING

THAT GOT ME MAD.

HE WENT TO COUNSEL BILL CLINTON

WHEN HE MESSED AROUND ON

HILLARY.

ANYBODY READ ABOUT THAT?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

CONVERSATION LIKE?

HE PROBABLY CLOSED THE DOOR AND

WAS LIKE, "YO, YOU AIN'T TELL

ON ME, DID YOU?"

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, Y'ALL TALK ABOUT

AL SHARPTON, AL SHARPTON'S

TALKING ABOUT HE GONNA BE

PRESIDENT.

I WAS LAUGHING BECAUSE I DIDN'T

THINK HE WAS SERIOUS.

BUT HE'S REALLY SERIOUS.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME TELL Y'ALL

SOMETHING.

Y'ALL DON'T GOTTA WORRY.

BLACK PEOPLE AIN'T VOTING FOR

NO BROTHER WITH NO PERM,

I'M SORRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE BETTER GET A GOATEE OR

SOMETHING-- FADE IT UP OR

SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE GONNA DO.

I WOULD VOTE FOR MR. T BEFORE

I VOTE FOR HIS ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T LAUGH, MR. T MIGHT BE A

GOOD PRESIDENT.

MR. T?

HE DON'T TAKE NO MESS.

HE WAS WITH THE A TEAM.

YOU AIN'T GOTTA SEND NO TROOPS

OVER TO IRAQ OR NOTHING.

JUST SEND MR. T.

HE'LL BUST IN THERE--

"WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING WITH

THEM BOMBS, SADDAM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"MR. T?"

"I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESS WITH

MY COUNTRY."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"I'M SO SORRY, MR. T."

"YEAH, FOOL, AND DIAL

1-800 COLLECT, TOO, DAMMIT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DIAL DOWN THE CENTER!"

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

"WHO DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL,

MR. T?"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN,

CALL SOMEBODY."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD TILL

I GOT OLDER.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE IN HERE

WAS ABUSED, YOU JUST DON'T

KNOW IT YET.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU BLACK,

WHITE, YOU DIDN'T GET NO

WHIPPING.

REMEMBER YOUR MOM MADE YOU A

BATH?

SHE WOULD MAKE THAT DAMN WATER

ADULT HOT.

REMEMBER HOW HOT THAT WATER WAS?

YOU STAND IN THE--

"MOMMY, THIS WATER'S HOT."

"SIT DOWN."

"BUT THIS WATER IS HOT."

"SIT DOWN."

AND YOU KNOW THAT DAMN WATER

IS HOT BECAUSE YOUR STOMACH'S

LIKE-- IT'S HOT-- IT'S HOT--

HOT-- HOT.

HOT WATER.

HOT.

HOT.

I WAS LIKE--

I'M IN THE SIXTH GRADE--

I'M LIKE-- I'M STRONG AS HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HOT BATHS.

I USED TO GET IN TROUBLE ALL

THE TIME BECAUSE I USED TO

BEAT UP MY LITTLE BROTHER.

BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY FOR.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S IN THE DICTIONARY.

UNDER LITTLE BROTHER IT SAYS,

"WHOOP HIS ASS, HE'S YOURS."

BUT IT WAS MY MOTHER'S FAULT

BECAUSE SHE USED TO LET ME GO

WATCH THOSE KARATE MOVIES IN

TIMES SQUARE.

REMEMBER THE BRUCE LEE, YOU SEE

LIKE TWO FOR $5.

AND MY MOTHER WOULD LET ME GO

AND I WOULD SEE ALL THIS STUFF.

AND IT'S FUNNY NOW BECAUSE

YOU'RE AN ADULT, YOU COME OUT

OF A MOVIE THEATRE.

YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S A MOVIE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M 13 YEARS OLD, I COME OUT

OF SEEING BRUCE LEE, I THINK

I KNOW THAT STUFF.

COME ON.

YOU EVER COME OUT OF A

BRUCE LEE FLICK?

YOU COME OUT OF THE MOVIE

THEATRE LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD START

WITH MY ASS.

AND I WOULD GO HOME AND MY

LITTLE BROTHER WOULD BE LIKE

HOW WAS THE MOVIE!

HOW WAS THE MOVIE!

I'D BE LIKE, "LET ME SHOW YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

AND BLACK PARENTS ARE FUNNY,

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT WHITE

PARENTS.

BLACK PARENTS ARE FUNNY,

BECAUSE THEY GET OUT IN FRONT

OF OTHER PEOPLE AND THEY CHANGE

THEIR WHOLE PERSONALITY.

THEY DO.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME, IT'S A

TRUE STORY, Y'ALL.

MY MOTHER'S FRIEND WAS DATING

THIS WHITE GUY, THIS PROFESSOR

AT A COLLEGE.

SO WE WENT TO GO HAVE LUNCH

WITH THEM.

NOW WE GO TO FAMILY FUNCTIONS,

BARBECUES AT MY MOTHER'S BLACK

FRIENDS' HOUSE.

I'M RUDY.

THIS IS MY SON, RUDY.

WE MEET THIS GUY.

SHE'S LIKE-- THIS IS MY SON,

RUDOLPH.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE WHAT THE HELL?

AND I GO TO SHAKE HIS HAND,

I'M LIKE, "I'M RUDY."

SHE'S LIKE, "HA-HA-HA, RUDOLPH."

I START THINKING TO MYSELF,

ARE YOU ABOUT TO SELL ME TO

THIS WHITE MAN?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Rudy Rush: YOU EVER GO TO

SCHOOL, LIKE YOUR PARENTS EVER

COME TO SCHOOL FOR YOU?

THAT'S WHEN THEY LOSE IT.

THEY BECOME A WHOLE 'NOTHER

PERSON.

THEY SIT IN FRONT OF THE

TEACHERS-- THEY GET ALL PROPER.

"YES.

YES, I UNDERSTAND.

MMM-HMM.

AND I TRY TO TELL MY SON,

HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHO THE HELL ARE

YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE TOLD ME I WASN'T GONNA BE

NOTHIN'."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND DON'T LET THE TEACHERS

TELL YOUR MOTHER YOU DON'T DO

ANY HOMEWORK.

THAT'S WHEN THEY LOSE IT, RIGHT?

THEY LOSE IT.

WHY DON'T YOU DO ANY HOMEWORK?

AND WE ALL HAVE THE SAME EXCUSE,

DON'T WE?

"IT'S HARD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

IT."

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOURS

PARENTS SAY LIKE THEY'RE SMART?

"I'M RIGHT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU NEED SOME HELP, YOU COME

AND YOU ASK ME."

YOU BE LIKE "ALL RIGHT."

YOU EVER GET SOME HARD MATH

HOMEWORK, PEOPLE?

YOU EVER ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR

SOME HELP WITH SOME MATH

HOMEWORK?

YOU BE LIKE, "MA, I NEED SOME

HELP WITH THIS MATH.

THIS IS REAL SERIOUS.

I REALLY NEED TO PASS."

SHE BE LIKE-- "I'LL BE RIGHT

THERE."

AS SOON AS THEY LOOK AT IT,

WHAT DO THEY DO?

"OOH."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S THE FIRST EXCUSE WHEN

THEY DON'T KNOW IT.

"THEY DID NOT HAVE THIS WHEN

WE WAS COMING UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, YEAH...

I FEEL BAD, EVERYBODY, BECAUSE

I DID SOMETHING...

WELL, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I JUST HAD A BAD THOUGHT.

YOU EVER HAD A BAD THOUGHT

AND YOU'RE LIKE--

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON?

LIKE MY COUSIN, HE JUST HAD A

BABY.

IT'S LIKE THE FIRST BABY OF

THE FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

EVERYBODY WANNA GO RUSH TO SEE

THIS KID, YOU KNOW, WE ALL GO

TO MY COUSIN'S HOUSE.

OH, THEY GOT A BABY.

AND WE GO TO SEE THE BABY.

[LAUGHTER]

I--

BABY'S NOT TOO ATTRACTIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO SAY THAT ABOUT BABIES,

I UNDERSTAND.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

BABIES KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

PRETTY BABIES KNOW THAT THEY

PRETTY AND UGLY BABIES KNOW

THEY UGLY.

YOU EVER GO TO PICK UP A PRETTY

BABY?

PRETTY BABIES WILL NOT LET YOU

PICK THEM UP, RIGHT?

YOU BE LIKE OH, SHE'S SO PRETTY.

OH, NO, HOW YOU DOING.

NO, I GOT ENOUGH LOVE RIGHT

HERE, HOW ARE YOU, OKAY.

YOU EVER SEE UGLY BABIES?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMEBODY PLEASE PICK MY UGLY

ASS UP.

AND WE TRY TO GET AWAY FROM

THE BABY, TOO.

OOH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

GET HIM.

GET HIM.

GET HIM, I'M SICK, I CAN'T PICK

HIM UP.

HE LOOK JUST LIKE HIS FATHER,

DAMN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, YOU EVER

PICK UP SOME OF YOUR PARENTS'

TRAITS WHEN YOU GET OLDER?

I USED TO DANCE COOL, LIKE TWO

YEARS AGO.

NOW, LIKE I GOT THIS [BLEEP]

MY FATHER DOES.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I CAN'T HELP IT, TOO.

I BE LIKE--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I START OUT WITH THE NEW STUFF

THEN I BE LIKE-- AAHH.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE WHAT THE HELL--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU TRY NOT TO BE LIKE YOUR

I TRY TO.

BECAUSE GUYS, WE HAVE ISSUES

WITH OUR WEIGHT, TOO.

TELL A GUY HE'S FAT.

WATCH HIS FACE.

BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A

LITTLE FAT."

[LAUGHTER]

FELLAS WE BE HOME AT NIGHT

LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

BITCH CALLED ME FAT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I CAN'T GO TO THE GYM, THOUGH.

THE GYM IS JUST TOO MESSED UP

FOR ME, MAN.

IT'S TOO CRAZY.

IT'S TOO WEIRD, RIGHT, BECAUSE

THEY HAVE DIFFERENT RULES AT

THE GYM.

LIKE WHAT'S THE WORST?

LIKE, FELLAS, IT'S LIKE WE HAVE

RULES THAT WE GO BY AS MEN THAT

DON'T APPLY AT THE GYM, RIGHT?

LIKE I CAN'T BE SHOWERING NAKED

WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER DUDES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND WHO'S THE WORST?

THEM OLD DUDES, RIGHT?

IT SHOULD BE LIKE A NAKED TIME

LIMIT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE THOSE OLD DUDES,

RIGHT?

THE OLD DUDES AND THEY WANNA

HAVE CONVERSATIONS.

THEY BE WALKING AROUND AND THEY

WANNA HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH

YOU.

HEY, YO, FELLAS SEEN THE GAME

LAST NIGHT?

POPS, GET YOUR [BLEEP] OUT MY

FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

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