CC Presents: Scott Kennedy

  • Season 8, Ep 28
  • 06/10/2004

WORLD, AND YOU GUYS MAKE IT THAT

WAY.

WHEN YOU APPLAUD, IT MAKES US

FEEL LIKE WE HAVE THE BEST JOB

IN THE WORLD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A PRETTY COOL JOB.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE A BIG HEAD.

I DON'T THINK IT'S THE BEST JOB

IN THE WORLD OR ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW?

I'VE BEEN GIVING THAT SOME

THOUGHT.

THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD?

I THINK IF YOU WORKED AT LIKE

A GIFT SHOP AT THE AIRPORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU COULD BE AS RUDE AS YOU

WANNA BE 'CAUSE...

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE GOTTA GO, YOU KNOW?

YOU COULD BE LIKE, "YEAH,

CANDY'S ON SALE.

BUT YOUR FAT ASS DOESN'T NEED

NO CANDY."

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

"YES, I DO HAVE A MANAGER.

HE'LL BE BACK IN LIKE, AN HOUR,

BUT...

[LAUGHTER]

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK, YOU GOTTA

GO."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY GOD.

GIFT SHOP AT THE AIRPORT.

I'M IN THE AIRPORT ALL THE TIME.

I HAVE TO FLY EVERY SINGLE WEEK

OF THE YEAR.

IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME.

BOTHERS FRIENDS OF MINE.

I HAVE ONE FRIEND WHO CALLS ME

EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

"SCOTTY, YOU FLYING THIS WEEK?"

"YEAH, I GOTTA GO TO WORK."

"ARE YOU SCARED?"

"NO."

"YOU SHOULD BE."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY?"

HE GOES, "'CAUSE SOMETIMES

THOSE PLANES CRASH."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES PLANES

CRASH.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

BUT I'LL LET YOU IN ON A SECRET.

I'VE BEEN ON A PLANE OR TWO

BEFORE THAT I REALLY WISH WOULDA

CRASHED, HONESTLY.

MY FAT ASS SQUEEZED IN THE

MIDDLE SEAT NEXT TO CHATTY

KATHY YAPPING ABOUT TUPPERWARE

FOR 3 1/2 HOURS?

OH, MY GOD.

WHERE'S THE TALLYBAN WHEN YOU

NEED úEM?

COME ON!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TOTALLY DID NOT PRONOUNCE

TALLYBAN CORRECTLY, DID I?

THAT'S--

THAT'S THE TEXAS REDNECK IN ME

COMING OUT.

I SAID IT WAS LIKE THE NAME OF

A BAND.

THE "TALLY BAND".

OH, MY GOD!

THEY'RE IN TOWN?

LET'S GO HEAR úEM.

I LOVE THEM.

THEY'RE

MY GRANDPA'S COOL.

HE'S BEEN A STATE LAW

ENFORCEMENT OFFICER FOR OVER

30 YEARS.

IS THAT NOT AMAZING?

AND A GOOD COP, TOO.

WHEN I TURNED 16, STARTED

DRIVING.

HE SAID, "SCOTT, DON'T EVER

DRINK AND DRIVE."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S PROBABLY SOUND ADVICE

FOR ANY AGE.

BUT I WAS A SMART-ASS KID.

I WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "WELL, WHY?"

AND HE GOES, "'CAUSE STATE

COPS"-- AND HE SAID IN EVER

SINGLE STATE--

"GO TO LIKE, A TWO-WEEK CLINIC

EVERY YEAR, TO LEARN HOW TO

SPOT DRUNK DRIVERS MORE

EFFECTIVELY."

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S KIND OF

COOL."

OF COURSE, I DO DRINK.

SO I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO Y'ALL

LOOK FOR?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE TOLD ME HE GOES,

"IF YOU'RE WEAVING."

AND I WAS LIKE "DO YOU THINK?"

"YEAH."

THAT WAS A TWO-WEEK CLINIC.

ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

[LAUGHTER]

HE GOES, "IF YOU'RE DRIVING

TOO FAST, SMART-ASS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?"

I KNEW THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS, THOUGH.

HE SAID, "IF YOU'RE DRIVING

TOO SLOW,"

UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT, BIG SIGN.

SAID THE BIGGEST THING THOUGH

WAS LIKE, IF THREE OR MORE

ADULTS HAD THEIR HANDS OUT THE

WINDOW GOING LIKE THIS.

[WHIRRING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

"PROBABLE CAUSE."

YEAH.

TALK ABOUT COPS A LOT ON STAGE.

THE SIMPLE FACT IS I DO HAVE

A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THOSE MEN

AND WOMEN OF LAW ENFORCEMENT.

IN FACT, IF I DIDN'T-- YEAH.

OH, HELL, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BET.

IF I DIDN'T DO THIS FOR A

LIVING, I WOULD PROBABLY BE IN

LAW ENFORCEMENT.

[SILENCE]

OH, YOU DIDN'T CLAP THERE.

THAT SCARED YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ME,

MY BIG FAT ASS WITH A BEER AND A

GUN.

ALL RIGHT!

YEAH.

NO, WE NEED TO RETHINK THAT.

I THINK I'D BE A GOOD COP.

I'M A NICE GUY.

I DO DRINK, AND THAT WOULDN'T

BE A GOOD THING.

YOU KNOW I MIGHT DRINK ON

PATROL.

IN FACT, I'M PRETTY SURE.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

IT'S GOTTA BE BORING, SITTING

IN THAT CAR FOR LIKE, EIGHT

HOURS A DAY, YOU KNOW?

I'D HAVE A LITTLE COOLER WITH

SOME, LIKE, BEER AND TEQUILA,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'D SLAM IT ALL DOWN GO OUT ON

PATROL, MAKE STUPID "JUDGMENT

CALLS", YOU KNOW?

I'D BE LIKE--

[GUNSHOT]

"FREEZE!

[LAUGHTER]

OH, SH-- YOU CAN GO."

[LAUGHTER]

DRESSED, APPROPRIATELY DRESSED.

I WAS IN VEGAS LAST WEEK, AND--

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS NEW YORK CITY.

YOU GUYS GOT A LOTTA TOURISTS,

TOO.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TOURISTS

YOU CAN ALWAYS SPOT úEM?

LIKE, TWO OF úEM THAT YOU JUST

REALLY WANNA WALK UP TO AND GO,

"PSST, COME HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, RUN TO ME QUICKLY NOW.

COME HERE.

OKAY.

IF YOU CAN'T WEAR WHAT YOU

HAVE ON IN YOUR HOMETOWN...

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I ENJOY LAS VEGAS VERY, VERY

MUCH.

MOST OF Y'ALL HAVE PROBABLY

BEEN THERE.

IT'S FUN.

LAST WEEK, I WAS NOT IN A

COMEDY CLUB SHOWROOM.

ONCE IN A WHILE YOU GET ASKED

TO OPEN UP FOR A BIG SHOW.

THEY WANTED A COMIC TO DO

20 MINUTES IN FRONT OF MALE

STRIPPERS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

UM-- AND WE SHARED A DRESSING

ROOM TOGETHER.

AND OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

I SAW THINGS THERE I'VE NEVER

SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

AND I'M A FULL-GROWN ADULT MALE.

I, AH...

AND WHEN I SAY SHARED A

DRESSING ROOM, DON'T GET THE

WRONG IDEA.

WE WERE NEVER IN THE DRESSING

ROOM AT THE SAME TIME, 'CAUSE

IF THEY WERE ON STAGE, I WAS

BACKSTAGE, OR VICE VERSA.

BUT I SAW THINGS BACK THERE THAT

I GUESS I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT

WHICH I EXPECTED TO SEE,

A LOT OF BABY OIL, RIGHT,

'CAUSE THEY'RE MALE STRIPPERS.

THEY GET HALF-NAKED.

THEY SQUIRT THE BABY OIL ON,

IT GLISTENS IN THE LIGHTS,

IT LOOKS FABULOUS.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING IT

TONIGHT, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

BUT ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE GOING, "THANK GOD

HE DIDN'T DO IT.

I GOTTA BE HOME..."

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD.

ON WEDNESDAY, THEY RAN OUT OF

BABY OIL.

I SHOW UP ON THURSDAY NIGHT.

THERE'S NO BABY OIL.

ALL THERE IS, IS THIS BIG,

YELLOW TUB.

I SWEAR TO GOD, ON THE TOP OF

IT, IT SAID, "BODY BUTTER."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HECK'S BODY BUTTER,

YOU KNOW?

TASTES LIKE CRAP.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT--

IT'S AWFUL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S NASTY.

THERE'S LITTLE HAIRS IN IT.

IT'S GROSS.

Audience: OH!

Scott Kennedy: I KNOW.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS NASTY.

YOU CAN'T "OH!" THAT.

BUT I WAS BACK THERE ALONE WITH

A PIECE OF TOAST TO FIGURE OUT,

"WHO'S GONNA KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WONDERFUL, VERY GOOD-LOOKING

CROWD.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING UP FRONT,

YOU ALL RIGHT?

Audience Member: ALL RIGHT.

Scott Kennedy: WHAT'S YOUR NAME

THERE, SIR?

Audience Member: STEVEN.

Scott Kennedy: I'M SCOTT,

NICE TO MEET YOU, STEVEN.

ARE YOU OKAY?

Steven: YEAH.

Scott Kennedy: YEAH.

YOU SEEM VERY QUIET.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S TV, IT'S FUN.

IT'S JUST, "HEY!"

WHERE YOU FROM, STEVEN?

Steven: JERSEY.

Scott Kennedy: NEW JERSEY.

WOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THESE ARE HAPPY PEOPLE.

IT'S LIKE, HEY, ELECTRIC LIGHTS,

ALL RIGHT!

VERY COOL, STEVEN.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

Steven: GO TO SCHOOL.

Scott Kennedy: GO TO SCHOOL.

AND WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING?

Steven: I STUDY ENGINEERING.

Scott Kennedy: ENGINEERING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULD TAG THAT JOKE,

OR YOU COULD JUST MAKE UP YOUR

OWN THERE.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU GOTTA BE VERY SMART TO DO

THAT, STEVEN, I TELL YOU WHAT,

GOOD FOR YOU.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL

ABOUT ENGINEERING, UNLESS YOU

WERE TALKING ABOUT A TRAIN,

AND THEN I'D BE LIKE,

"BOOP BOOP."

YOU KNOW, BUT I DON'T--

[LAUGHTER]

SO-- I CAN'T REALLY TALK TO YOU.

I GOTTA MOVE ON.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT GOOD FOR YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU FOR DOING THAT.

MAYBE WE CAN CONNECT ON ANOTHER

LEVEL.

ARE YOU A GOOD COOK?

CAN YOU COOK?

Steven: NO.

Scott Kennedy: NOT AT ALL?

I'M A GOOD COOK.

I'M A REALLY GOOD COOK.

WHEN I SAY THAT, I MEAN LIKE,

CHEF LEVEL.

LIKE, I COULD PROBABLY--

GOURMET.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S COOL.

YOU GUYS ARE--

FRIENDS OF MINE FREAK OUT WHEN I

TELL úEM I'M A GOOD COOK.

I'M LIKE "I'M A GOOD COOK."

THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?"

I'M LIKE "I CAN COOK."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?"

OKAY, WHY WOULD YOU BE THAT

SURPRISED THAT I CAN COOK?

I'M A BIG BOY.

I CAN COOK.

IT KIND OF GOES HAND IN HAND,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD BE THAT

SURPRISED IF I TELL YOU

SOMETHING LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW,

I TEACH AEROBICS.

YOU SHOULD GO, "REALLY?"

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE TO EAT, I LIKE TO DRINK,

I LIKE TO GAMBLE.

I HAVE A VERY ADDICTIVE

PERSONALITY.

IN FACT, I JUST BOUGHT A BOOK

AN ADDICTION.

I LOVE IT.

I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN, I SWEAR

TO GOD.

IT'S MY FAVORITE BOOK.

I'M GONNA BUY ANOTHER COPY IF

THE GUY WILL ANSWER HIS PAGER.

I--

[LAUGHTER]

OH.

I AM ADDICTED.

I'M ADDICTED TO A BAND RIGHT

NOW I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.

YEAH.

I'M ADDICTED TO THIS BAND CALLED

BLINK-182.

DO YOU KNOW THIS BAND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OKAY.

NOW, DON'T THINK YOU'RE MORE

IN LOVE THAN I AM, 'CAUSE I AM

IN LOVE WITH THE--

I TOTALLY WOULD LIKE DATE THE

DRUMMER TO MEET THIS BAND,

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I--

[LAUGHTER]

AND LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN GOING,

"NO, YOU'D NEVER DATE THE

DRUMMER.

HE CAN'T GET YOU BACKSTAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT A ROOKIE."

I-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

I DID NOT TIME THAT LAST JOKE

CORRECTLY.

EARLIER, I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

TOLD YOU ALL I'M GAY, WHICH I

AM.

YOU KNOW?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THAT WHOLE--

YOU KNOW, THE DRUMMER FROM

BLINK, AND-- THE MALE STRIP

SHOW, AND WHY I TALKED TO

STEVEN WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE

SENSE NOW.

WELL, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I TOTALLY NEED TO REWORK

THE ACT.

I AM GAY, BY THE WAY.

THAT FREAKS SOME PEOPLE OUT

WHEN I TELL THEM THAT, 'CAUSE

I GUESS I DON'T FIT A

STEREOTYPE, THAT YOU THINK ALL

GAY PEOPLE LOOK LIKE OR ACT

LIKE.

I MEAN, I DON'T SKIP AND SING

SHOW TUNES.

YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T LIKE SHOW TUNES,

AND I'M TOO FAT TO SKIP.

I KNOW THAT.

I--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

FRIENDS OF MINE THINK IT'S

EASIER FOR ME, TOO.

BEING A BIG, GAY GUY THAT

DOESN'T LOOK STEREOTYPICALLY

GAY.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "WELL,

YOU PROBABLY JUST PASS.

IT'S EASY."

NO, IT'S NOT EASIER.

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I GO TO A

GAY-- LIKE TONIGHT-- WE'RE IN

NEW YORK.

IF I GO TO THE VILLAGE--

IF I GO TO A GAY BAR, GUYS DON'T

THINK I'M THERE TO LIKE,

DATE THEM.

THEY THINK I'M THERE TO BASH

THEM.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I MEET A CUTE GUY, I'M LIKE,

"HEY, YOU'RE CUTE.

YOU WANNA GET SOME COFFEE?"

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

[LISPING] "I DON'T THINK SO."

[LAUGHTER]

[MAKING WHISTLE SOUNDS]

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE BLOWING THEIR RAPE

WHISTLE.

[MAKING WHISTLE SOUNDS]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A

RAPE WHISTLE.

[TRILLING TONGUE]

CUT TO THREE LESBIANS KICKING

THE [BLEEP] OUT OF ME.

ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I AM SINGLE, BY THE WAY.

THAT MAY FREAK SOME OF Y'ALL

OUT.

Audience Member: WHEW!

Scott Kennedy: LOOK, THERE'S

SOME--

REALLY?

YEAH.

A CATCH LIKE ME STILL ON THE

MARKET.

OH, MY GOD, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I KNOW WHY 'CAUSE I'M PICKY.

I WANT A GUY WHO CAN THROW A

FOOTBALL, AND A TANTRUM.

AND THAT IS A HARD COMBINATION,

FOLKS.

I DON'T CARE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW YOU PUT IT.

MY LITTLE BROTHER'S VERY, VERY

SUPPORTIVE.

HE'S LIKE "YOU'LL FIND

SOMEBODY," MY LITTLE BROTHER.

THIS FREAKS ME OUT, WHEN I EVEN

SAY IT.

HE'S A PHYSICIAN.

MY LITTLE BROTHER'S A MEDICAL

DOCTOR.

IT STILL FREAKS ME OUT TO EVEN

THINK OF THAT.

HE'S MY LITTLE BROTHER.

THE BEST PART OF IT, I JUST TELL

HIM TO PHONE ME IN

PRESCRIPTIONS, AND HE WILL.

[LAUGHTER]

I SWEAR, 'CAUSE HE'S MY LITTLE

BROTHER.

AND THE FIRST TIME, THOUGH,

HE DID QUESTION.

HE GOES, "WHY DO YOU NEED

XANAX?"

I GO, "SO I DON'T KICK THE CRAP

OUT OF YOU.

HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY GOD.

WE GREW UP TOGETHER.

GREW UP IN TEXAS, SOUTHERN

BAPTIST.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

TH-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO APPLAUD

FOR THAT.

IT'S OUR PARENTS' THING.

IT REALLY WASN'T OURS.

I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF

A CHRISTIAN.

NOT-- YOU KNOW, A GOOD

CHRISTIAN,

I GUESS.

IF-- CATHOLICS ARE GOOD

CATHOLICS.

I'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT

CHANGING RELIGION.

IT'S NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND,

TILL I GOT HERE TO NEW YORK.

I ATE AT AN ASIAN FOOD

RESTAURANT TODAY.

AND I WAS SITTING AT THE TABLE,

AND THERE WAS THIS LITTLE STATUE

OF BUDDHA.

"OH, MY GOD.

HE LOOKED HAPPY AND CUTE AND

FAT, AND JUST, HEY, WHAT UP?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS-- OH, MY GOD, 'CAUSE JESUS

IS SAD, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND THE

CIRCUMSTANCES.

BUT STILL, I MEAN.

[LAUGHTER]

BUDDHA'S FATTER THAN ME AND JUST

SMILING.

JUST WHATEVER, JUST DO IT.

I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE.

THE WORST THING, I HATE RENTING

CARS.

YOU GUYS HAVE ALL DONE IT.

WHAT IS IT, YOU GET TO RENTAL

CAR COUNTER THEY START BEATING

YOU OVER THE HEAD TO GET THAT

RENTAL CAR INSURANCE.

IT'S LIKE WHAT, 10 BUCKS A DAY?

PRETTY BIG RIP-OFF.

ALTHOUGH I USUALLY GET IT,

I FIGURE, "YOU KNOW, FOR $10

A DAY, I CAN DRIVE THIS CAR THE

WAY I'VE ALWAYS REALLY WANTED

TO DRIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

GOING 110 DOWN THE INTERSTATE,

GOING, HEY.

I WONDER WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF I

THROW THIS SUCKER IN REVERSE.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

"OH, HEY, THEY BRING YOU A NEW

CAR.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S $10 SKIPPY.

WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW MY ASS A

COUPLE MORE HOURS.

WE'RE JUST GONNA FIND OUT WHAT

OVERDRIVE IS ALL ABOUT."

[LAUGHTER]

I RENTED A CAR UP IN LAKE TAHOE.

OH, MY GOSH, LAKE TAHOE?

GREAT SKI PLACE.

ANY SNOW SKIERS OUT THERE BY

APPLAUSE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH.

YOU GOTTA GO TO TAHOE.

THE SNOW IS INCREDIBLE.

THE TRAILS, THOUGH, ARE REALLY

LONG, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THAT,

BECAUSE I DRINK A LOTTA BEER

WHEN I SKI.

AND I HAVE TO PEE, LIKE, EVERY

MILE.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD I DO THAT

LITTLE KID PEE/DANCE THING,

RIGHT?

WHICH IT DOESN'T HELP YOU

NOT PEE, BUT FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DUDE,

STOP."

THEY GO, "IF YOU HAVE TO PEE

THAT BAD, JUST SKI OFF INTO

THE WOODS."

BUT I HAD ONE FRIEND WHO GOES,

"DUDE, SEE, SKI FAR ENOUGH INTO

THE WOODS SO YOU DON'T OFFEND

PEOPLE."

NOT THAT I WOULD, BUT I

APPRECIATE THOSE KIND OF

COMPLIMENTS.

ALL RIGHT.

I SKIED WAY BACK INTO THE WOODS.

I STOPPED.

I STARTED GOING.

[WHISTLING]

BUT THEN I STARTED GOING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I COULDN'T STOP GOING EITHER

WAY.

I WAS PEEING, AND SKIING,

AND SCREAMING.

AAH!

I WENT OVER A HILL.

I WAS STANDING ON ANOTHER SKI

RUN, JUST LIKE, "HI."

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

LITTLE KIDS ARE SKIING BY.

"MINE'S BIGGER THAN THAT."

"SHUT THE HELL UP."

[LAUGHTER]

DIDN'T DO THIS, I'D BE A COP.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

LOVE COPS.

I LOVE TO WATCH COP SHOWS.

FAVORITE COP SHOW ON TV?

OH, COP PROBABLY.

YEAH.

YOU GOTTA WATCH IT.

IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT

YOUR LIFE, DOESN'T IT?

I WATCH IT EVERY WEEK.

I MEAN, I SWEAR, MY MOM HAS

NEVER STUMBLED OUT OF A TRAILER

WITH CURLERS IN HER HAIR.

BEAT MY DAD OVER THE HEAD,

LIKE, WITH A BABY BOTTLE.

AND THEN LET SOMEBODY FILM IT.

NO.

NOBODY IN THE TRAILER COURT HAS

A CAMERA.

MY FAVORITE SHOW ACTUALLY

FOLLOWS COPS EVERY WEEK.

IT'S AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS THE MOST WANTED PEOPLE

IN AMERICA.

I'M A HUGE FAN.

DO YOU WATCH THAT?

THEY'RE ASKING FOR OUR HELP.

YOU GOTTA WATCH IT.

IF YOU'RE A BIG FAN, YOU KNOW

IT WAS WHAT, FOUR WEEKS AGO,

THEY HAD THAT GUY ON THERE GOING

ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY, ROBBING

ALL THOSE CONVENIENCE STORES,

BEATING THE HELL OUTTA

THE CLERKS.

I WAS WATCHING THAT.

I'M ON THE ROAD, LIKE, 200 DAYS

A YEAR.

I FIGURE, "I GOT A SHOT AT

CATCHING THIS PUNK," YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT WAS COOL, TOO.

A WEEK AFTER I SEE THAT EPISODE,

I PULL INTO THIS CONVENIENCE

STORE.

I'M GETTING OUT OF MY CAR.

I SEE THAT SAME GUY I SAW ON

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED COMING

OUT AND I FREAK, RIGHT?

MY HEART'S POUNDING.

I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.

I RAN OVER THERE, I TACKLED HIM.

I'M HITTING HIM.

I'M HOLDING HIM DOWN.

THE POLICE SHOWED UP...

[SOUND OF HANDCUFFS TIGHTENING]

AND THEY ARRESTED ME.

HA-HA-HA!

APPARENTLY THEY USE ACTORS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR THOSE REENACTMENTS ON TV.

STEVE.

I, AH...

[LAUGHTER]

SO-- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE

STRAIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S COOL WITH ME.

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU WERE BORN

THAT WAY, AND I SUPPORT YOUR--

LIFESTYLE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU

CALL IT.

AND-- YOU KNOW, MORE POWER TO--

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A PARADE,

I'LL MARCH WITH YOU.

I DON'T CARE WHO SLEEPS WITH

YOU-- I DON'T--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A

GUY?

Steven: NO.

Scott Kennedy: STEVEN.

EVER.

Steven: NO.

Scott: EVER, EVER?

LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES.

EVER?

COME ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOUR BEST FRIENDS SLEEP OVER,

SIXTH GRADE, A PLAYBOY, NOTHING?

YOU HAVEN'T--

A SWORD FIGHT IN THE TENT IN

THE BACKYARD.

COME ON, STEVEN, YOU GOT--

LOOK AT HOW THE STRAIGHT GUYS

GET QUIET.

THEY'RE LIKE, "A SWORD FIGHT

COUNTS?"

NO, IT--

[LAUGHTER]

IT DOESN'T COUNT.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN MORE STRAIGHT

GUYS BE LIKE-- "WHOO, THAT WAS

CLOSE.

HELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA

HAVE TO DO DRAG FOR A WHILE."

ALL GAY GUYS DON'T DO DRAG,

BY THE WAY.

I'M GAY.

I'VE NEVER DONE DRAG.

AND THANK GOD.

YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT ME,

LIKE, GOING, "YOU WOULD NOT

EVEN BE"-- I THINK I'D BE CUTE

IN DRAG.

IN MY MIND, I PICTURE MYSELF

BEING SOMEBODY LIKE WHITNEY,

OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE GOING, "NO, YOU'RE

GONNA BE WYNONNA."

ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO LIKE COUNTRY AND WESTERN

MUSIC.

I'M FROM TEXAS.

YOU GOTTA LIKE COUNTRY AND

WESTERN MUSIC IF YOU'RE FROM

TEXAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T LIKE ALL GROUPS.

MY FAVORITE ARTIST PROBABLY

WILLIE NELSON.

HE'S WHAT, 113 YEARS OLD,

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

LOOKS LIKE PIPPI LONGSTOCKING

AND STILL GETS LAID.

YOU GO, WILLIE.

YOU TEAR THAT UP, BOY.

IF YOU'RE FANS OF WILLIE,

YOU KNOW THIS SONG.

IT'S CALLED, "I WENT TO BED AT

TWO WITH A TEN, AND WOKE UP AT

TEN WITH A TWO."

WILLIE ACTUALLY SINGS THAT SONG.

"I WENT TO BED AT TWO WITH A

TEN, AND WOKE UP AT TEN WITH A

TWO."

ALL WILLIE'S SAYING IS THAT HE

WENT OUT AND GOT DRUNK.

MEETS SOMEBODY, THEY'RE CUTE

'CAUSE HE'S DRUNK.

HE WAKES UP SOBER, AND THEY ARE

BUTT-UGLY.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT

FAIR.

I MEAN, THERE'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER

SIDE OF THAT STORY.

RIGHT, LADIES?

OH, HELL, YEAH.

SOME WOMAN WOKE UP NEXT TO

WILLIE NELSON.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

I BET THAT'S A BREATH OF FRESH

AIR, HUH?

I BET SHE WOKE UP KIND OF HUNG

OVER, GOING-- "AH-- AAH!"

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE

SAY, "OOH, I GOT THE WILLIES?"

I MEAN...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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