Kurt Metzger, Nikki Glaser, Mike Vecchione

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 04/27/2014

Comedians Kurt Metzger, Nikki Glaser and Mike Vecchione join Dave Attell for a night at the Underground, with special guest Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Thank you.

I'm Dave Attell.

Welcome to comedy atthe Underground.

This could either bea dream or a nightmare.

I'm glad you're hereto see it.

So it's gonna be fun.

What's up, bud,how are you doing?

You good?

See, this looks like the onlybook I ever read

in high school--"Of Mice and Men."

What's going on here?

Laugh it up,big man!

You digging this, Jesus?Everything all right?

Are you guyshere for the show

or are you waiting forthe bus to Bonnaroo?

What's happening?

Moving on.

Now, Teen Wolf, wouldyou mind being a part of this?

I can do it.

What's your name, man?Alex.

Okay, cool, do youmind being the camera person

for the show?I don't mind.

Alex, here, grabthe camera.

Not only do you havea camera tonight, Alex,

we also havea camera on you.

How about a big hand forTriumph the Insult Comic Dog?

I've got itright here!

Look at that.

Hey, Triumph.

Hey, Dave!

How's it going?Holy shit.

You and Alex,that was magic.

(laughing)

Dave, thanks for comingall the way from 2002

to join us tonight.

Oh... wow.

What do you thinkof the set, Triumph?

I know, Comedy Centralspared no expense.

Oh yes, oh yes.

Can I talkfor a minute?

Yes.

Can somebody run outand get a bucket of timing?

All right,here we go-- sorry.

Triumph,I apologize.You look great.

You look great.

Seriously, who knew thatthe strict diet of

40 years of cigarettesand bottom-shelf whiskey

would give you the body

of an Armeniantugboat captain?

Oh, oh, come on, guy.

That ain't right!

Triumph, everybody,Triumph.

(cheers and applause)

evening has just shot

his first hour special, whichis titled "White Precious."

This is on late.

Who's-- Anybodywho's up late watching this

is not a good person anyway, soit doesn't matter what we say.

Please welcomeKurt Metzger.

(cheers and applause)

Here you go.

Oh... wow.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

Are youthe camera guy?

You that kid thatblew up Boston?

What are you doing here,holding the camera?

That's a much shortersentence than I thought.

Wow.

Do you guys live here,most of you?

Like, if you'renot from New York,

just so you know what it's likeif you live here, um,

like, nine timesout of 10, you wake up

and there'll just be likea black dick

just mushedright in your face.

(laughing)

Most... mostly that's howyou wake up.

If you move here,I'm just letting you know.

"Wow, is this really $2,600a month to...

"have this guy's...

"giant dorkon my eyelids?

Is it really?"

I mean,I'm exaggerating.

It's not exactlylike that.

Okay?

You haveto ask for that.

That doesn't just comewith your apart--

That doesn't justcome with your apartment.

For 2,600, you think you'regetting black dick in the face?

No, no, my friend.

That's 3,000, easy.

For those kind ofextra features.

I had a friend from Tampa tellme he couldn't pay his rent.

You can't pay yourrent in Tampa, Florida?

You can't come up withpossum soup and gator teeth

once-- once a month?

Gather it from your swamp yardand just bring it to...

Wow.

I lovegetting fingered.

It's my favoritesexual act.

I think it's 'causeI don't really masturbate,

so I like to outsource itand it's the greatest.

Are you guys into it?

Yeah?No one?

Okay, just me?

I love it.

Lately, fingering stylesare bumming me out

and I think that's whya lot of you are just like,

"No, not so muchanymore."

Because there'sfinger-banging going on

and finger-blasting.

It's just like this aggressivething we're getting a lot

that's just like...

it's like--is this fracking?

Is that what fracking is?

I've heard a lot about it

and I'm ready towrite my Congresswoman.

I am so...

It's rampant.

A lot of you,I can sense, are like,

"What's wrongwith that?"

It's, um, it doesn't--

It eitherfeels like nothing

or it hurts and that soundthat we make, that--

(whimpering)

That's not like a pleasure--that's a pain sound.

So slight distinction.

It's just this,"Rrhh!"

And it's-- you don't need--even need to be in there.

You can-- just-- just--

And if you are,just the gentle...

the hook,

the "I Know WhatYou Did Last Summer."

The, um...

(laughing)

"Here, kitty, kitty."

Like you're trying to coaxa cat out from under a bed

or something.

Like, "Here, pussy."

But yeah, and I wouldjust stick to the clit.

And I know that word is like--"stick," it's gross.

But, um, it's nature.

Uh... but yeah.

I wouldjust stick to that.

And I know it's like,"Where is it?"

But we'll like find it foryou and just be like, "There."

It's like "Where's Waldo?"

We'll find it.

Mine's striped,so that does help.

And, um...

And then you justhone in on it

like you're playinga game of Fruit Ninja.

Have you playedthat game?

If you haven't,I just want to tell you

it's a fingering-training tooldeveloped by the Japanese.

And... youlike swipe fruit

and there's a part wherea pomegranate comes up

and that's whatI'm talking about.

You wanna just like scrub itreally quickly like this.

You're trying to getlike a 37,

is where you'retrying to aim for.

(laughing)

And...

and this will change the way yousee kids playing that game

and I apologize for that.

On the way here tonight,there was a 13-year-old

and I was like, "Oh God."

Like... he had goodstyles.

Um...

starting your own Pupcast.

(laughing)

Pupcast?Yes.

Yes, let mewrite that one down

so that I remembernever to say it.

(Dave)Enough of me,let's keep it going.

One more time, let mehear some hands.

Let's getit going on here, come on.

What the fuck, people?!Let's do it!

(cheers and applause)

This next guy, hilarious.

You might have seen himon Comedy Central.

He's also been on"The Tonight Show."

It's uncensored,right?

Yeah, more intense--holy shit.

This isa comedy show, not P90X.

Please welcomeMichael Vecchione!

(cheers and applause)

Keep it going forDave Attell, everybody.

Dave Attell.

(cheers and applause)

I got a fresh haircutfor the show tonight.

I said to the barber,

"Go somewhere betweenNew Jersey wedding DJ

and Department ofHomeland Security."

I'll be honest with you,I think he fucking nailed it.

He did a great job.

I want you guysto be entertained,

but I want you tofeel safe.

Safetyis my priority.

I'm okay-looking.

I'm what you wouldcall a "Staten Island six."

I'm like a six in Staten Island.

But my roommate issuper good-looking.

He's a tall guy,which matters.

Ladies, I didn'tknow that mattered.

Super tall.

And he has the perfectcombination of

factors that women like.

He has a nonthreateningbaby face...

shredded body.

Nonthreatening baby face--you can trust me.

Shredded body--I will protect you.

I have the opposite thinghappening completely.

(laughing)

I have anUltimate Fighter head...

(laughing)

... with a let's-go-get-frozen-yogurt torso.

Right, I'm not fat.

We're not going toget ice cream.

We're going to getthe healthy alternative.

Frogurt.

How was the show?

Oh, the showwas fun.

I thought you weregoing to sit on the chair

and watch us, like--

Oh, me?Yeah, what's the--

What's the chair for?

Does the chairrepresent un-censorship?

(laughing)

That actuallyrepresents my next job:

department store Santa.

That's whatI'm going to be doing.

Ladies, who wasyour favorite?

I mean, if you couldonly fuck one of them,

who would it be?

I'm going to vote on--Nikki.

Which one?Nikki?

Oh, Mike.

(Kurt)She didn't even hesitate.

You didn't even giveNikki a look first!

Can I tell you the reality isI've been catfished, so...

You have?Yeah.

You metyourself?

What happened?(laughing)What?

No.

I got broken up withand I was lonely

and I talked tosomebody online too much

and said a little too much

and it was thisgirl Nicole,

or that'swho I thought it was--This isn't a podcast.

Get to it, dude.

Come on,come on, get to it.

Quick is funny.All right.

So I drive out to meet herand it turns out it was just

some guy named Chris Hansenfrom some fucking--

Oh!

Sorry, I steppedon that one.

That was pretty good.

How about another handfor all of our

comics here tonight?

(cheers and applause)Amazing work.Thank you.

Nikki Glaser,Mike Vecchione,

Kurt Metzger.

(cheers and applause)

Okay, thatusually means leave.

Oh.

Dave Attell,everyone!

Thank you, thank you, guys.

Thanks for watchingcomedy in the Underground.

I'm your host,Dave Attell.

See you again.

Find your way out.