Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/07/2012

Jeff Dunham and his cadre of characters, including Walter, Peanut and Bubba J, ponder alcoholic vampires, Batman's butler and the scary parts of marriage.

technically, you're not

really Frankenstein.

>> What?

>> Well, most people don't

realize this, but the monster

was The Monster, and

Frankenstein was actually

the doctor.

>> Well, thank you, Professor



You know, you should...

you should Tweet that.

How about that?

Then you can Tweet,

"I'm a huge dork.

Frowny face, hashtag, Dumb Ass."



>> Walter...

>> I'll take "Things That Will

Never Get You Laid"

for $500, Alex.


>> Well, I will say,

I like your costume.

>> Well, great.


>> Right.

>> Sounds like a Jewish name.

You think Dr. Frankenstein

was Jewish?

>> I don't know.

>> That would explain a lot.

>> Why is that?

>> He was digging up

used body parts.

>> Right.

>> Probably to save money.



Oh, tell me I'm wrong!


Yeah, that's it-- he was Jewish.

And that explains why his

monster was angry all the time.

>> Why?

>> Because he's circumcised,

the poor bastard.


Now that changes

the movie completely.

He's killing the villagers

because he's deranged.

No, he's not.

His wiener hurts.


And it was somebody else's.


You know, if I were

really that monster,

wherever the doctor

was digging up parts, yeah,

I'd hope that cemetery had one

dead black guy and no Asians.


That's right.

I did a racist wiener joke.


Happy frickin' Hallow-wiener.


(applause, cheering)

wondering something.

>> Yeah, that happens

to me a lot, too.

>> What I was gonna say is,

what happens if a vampire

drinks the blood

of an alcoholic?


>> That's genius!


I got a blood-alcohol

level of 3.4.

I should bite myself.


Wait, if I do that,

will I go blind?



>> No.

>> Oh, yeah, that's

something else, isn't it?

Okay, no, no, no.

>> So, Bubba J, did you go

trick-or-treating when

you were a kid?

>> Yeah, but where I lived,

it wasn't easy.

>> Why?

>> It's hard to go

trick-or-treat where any house

you're at could suddenly

pull away.



Trick or treat!

(imitates vehicle driving away)

(laughter, applause)


>> You know, Bubba J,

you kind of look like

The Count on Sesame Street.

>> Oh. That's the vampire

that knows how to count, right?

>> Yeah.

>> That's where he and I

are different.


>> So, how high can you count?

>> Six.

When I buy a 12-pack,

I just have to trust 'em.


>> Well, you can just

buy two six-packs.



>> I think I hurt my brain.

>> Bubba J, if you were a real

vampire, you'd have to stay

inside all day.

>> Yeah.

What would you do?

>> I'd watch NASCAR

on my plasma TV.

>> Oh. You... Wait a minute.

You have... you have

a plasma TV?

>> Well, sort of.

It's a regular TV,

but I call it that, 'cause

I sold my blood to get it.


(applause and cheering)

Aw, shut the hell up.

This is not my idea.

>> Good evening, Walter.

Do I look like Walter?

>> You look like aWalter Frankenstein.

>> Well, then,call me Crankenstein.

>> All right, Crankenstein.

You look good.

>> No, I don't.

I look like a crossbetween Hillary Clinton

and the Hulk.

(laughter)No offense, Hulk.


>> That's pretty good.

>> Yeah, I've beenworking on that.

(growls)That's my angry sound.


Here's my happy sound.

(weak grunt)

Here's "surprised."

(surprised grunt)Here's gay.

(effeminate grunt)

>> If you don't like

the costume,then why'd you pick this one?

>> We were supposed to dressas whatever scared us as a kid.

>> Oh, so for you,that was Frankenstein?

>> Actually, it wasa Catholic priest, but...

(laughter, applause)But...

everybody gets madwhen I offend the Mexicans.

(laughter, applause)(chuckles)

>> Walter, are you ever happy?

>> You should hope not.

>> Why?

>> Can you imagine mecoming out here in a good mood?

Hi, everybody.

I'm Walter, and life is peachy!

You'd be working at Starbucksin a (bleep) week.


>> Language.

>> English.


>> How you doing, Peanut?

>> Doing pretty good.

How about you? I'm fine.

That's good, that's good,

that's good!


>> So, you're Batman?

>> No, no, no.

I'm Batnut.


>> Batnut?

>> Yes.

Batnut, nut-laced avenger

of the night.

>> Is that why you're

talking like that?

>> Of course.

>> Batnut?

>> Yes.

>> You sound more like you're

the Choker.



>> Okay, shut up!

I do the talking.

You stand there and try to look

like you're doing something

besides just standing there.


>> Look, do you really think

Batnut scares criminals?

>> Of course-- especially

if they have a nut allergy.


(guttural hissing)


Face my honey-roasted justice!

>> So it seems to me like I'm

standing next to a poor excuse

for a Batman.

>> And I'm standing next to

a poor excuse for a white man.


(applause and cheering)

>> So, do you have any weapons?

>> Of course.

Batman has the batarang.

I have the nutarang.

>> The nutarang?

>> Yes.

It does exactly

what you think it does.

But when it comes back,

I don't want to catch it.


And I have two of them.

I call them the Dynamic Duo.


And I keep them

near the bat pole.


>> Are you finished?

>> Yes.

No more double entendres.

>> Thank you.

>> Until the next one.

>> Peanut!

>> Don't get testicle!

>> Oh, come on!




(applause and cheering continue)

>> So

>>Now what aboutlife after death?

>> Huh?

>> Some people think thateven after death,

you're still togetherfor all of eternity.

(laughter)>> I'm pretty sure you just

told me to go to Hell.

(laughter)(applause and cheering)

You know whatscares me now?

>> What?

>> When my wife says,"Does this thong

make my ass look fat?"(laughter)

>> You didn't answerthat, right?

>> I guessed I shouldn't have.

>> What did you say?

>> I asked her if it was athong, or if her ass grew

over her panties.

(laughter)(applause and laughter)

>> That's terrible.

>> Yeah, I probably should havestopped there.

(laughter)>> What else did you say?

>> I said, "No, the thongdoesn't make your ass look fat.

Your fat ass makesyour fat ass look fat."

(laughter)The thong is the victim.


>> Why-why are you telling me this?

>> It's a horror show, right?


>> Speaking of lonely,

earlier, did I hear yousay you're engaged now?

You have a fiancée?

>> That's right.

(cheering, whistling)

>> What the (bleep) iswrong with you?

(laughter)You don't get a call

from the governor and then turnaround and strap yourself

back in the chair.

(laughter)(laughter continues)

(audience whooping, applauding)

>> You've met Audrey.

>> Yeah.

It's a nice chair.

>> (laughs): Yeah.

>> Yeah, you won'thave to have that one

reupholstered for a while.


dressed like this?

>> Oh, you told me to dress

like the scariest thing

I could think of.

>> What are you?

>> I am a woman.


>> Just a woman?

>> Worse. An American woman.


Ha, ha.

Silence! Impossible.


>> What's so scary about

an American woman?

>> (gasps) They can vote.

(laughter and applause)

>> So what else scares you

about American women?

>> Besides everything?

The money.

>> The money?

>> You marry an American woman,

and in no time, all your money

for bombs is gone!

She blows money on shoes, I have

no money to blow up the Jews.


I don't mean just the Jews,

but it rhymes--

"shoes" and "Jews."

I-I could've said, you know,

"slacks" and "blacks."

But "Jews" is funnier.

And I like black folks.

Oh, we white chicks

love the black guys.

I think the expression is

"once you go black,

you never go back to white guys

or medium to small animals."

Something like that.

Hey, I see you looking at me.

What do you think?

>> Uh, nice hair.

>> Oh, yes, and I promise you,

the drapes match the curtains.

What?! I was talking about

my beard, you idiots!

I don't have carpet carpet.

>> Well, I must say, your

costume is not what I expected.

>> You mean the blonde hair?

>> Right.

>> Well, I used to be

a suicide bomber,

now I'm a suicide bombshell.

And it's easy for me

to play a woman,

because after the explosion,

my man-junk was never recovered.