Thursday, May 8, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01062
  • 05/08/2014

Matt Besser, Lauren Lapkus and Rich Fulcher find out about a raunchy new sex spot in San Francisco, list #MomSongs and watch creepy kids' shows.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHISPER IS A SITE WHERE PEOPLE

POST THEIR DEEPEST, DARKESTSECRETS AND WITH MOTHER'S DAY

ON SUNDAY, PEOPLE AREPOSTING ALL SORTS OF

HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THEIRMOMS.

WHICH REAL CONFESSION GOT THEMOST LIKES. A, MY MOTHER IN LAW

LIVES WITH US AND TRIES TO RUINOUR LIVES SO I PISS

IN HER DENTURE CUP EVERY NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> MOTHERS-IN-LAW TAKE NOTICE

OF THIS.

>> CLEAN YOUR TEETH.

>> MY DENTURES ARE MOREYELLOW EVERY MORNING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY?

>> B, MY MOM CAUGHT ME TAPINGAN ACTION FIGURE TO MY PENIS

AND HUMMING WRECKING BALL.

>> C, MY MOM BOUGHT ME A PURITYRING AFTER I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

I SOLD IT.

WHICH ONE OF THOSE GOT THEMOST LIKES.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY B AND IHOPE YOU HAVE A VIDEO.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER ISACTUALLY C, THE PURITY RING ONE.

THE MOST BORING ONE OF ALLTHOSE.

>> WHO IS OUT THERE BUYINGUSED PURITY RINGS?

>> IT SEEMS NOT PURE BYDEFINITION.

>> SOMETHING HAS ALREADYBEEN INSIDE IT.

>> FOR BONUS POINTS WHAT ISYOUR MOST SHAMEFUL

MOM-FESSION.

>> OH, WE'RE GETTING REAL.

I WAS AN UNEXPECTED BABY ANDI WAS BIRTHED TO A TOILET

AND MY MOM FREAKED OUTBECAUSE THEY FOUND LITTLE

PIECES OF CORN IN ME.

>> THAT WAS VERY BRAVE OFYOU TO SHARE THAT.

VERY BRAVE. POINTS.

>> WHEN I WAS YOUNG MY MOMTOLD ME THAT TOOTH FAIRY WAS

INSIDE HER VAGINA.

>> POINTS.

>> WAS YOUR MOTHER ACHIPMUNK?

>> NO.

SHE HAD VAGINAL TEETH.

>> OH, NO.

>> THAT IS A FEAR MEN HAVE.

>> EVERYBODY HAS IT.

>> A HUNDRED POINTS.

EVERYONE HAS IT, SURE, WHYNOT.

(APPLAUSE)>> OKAY. NEXT ONE.

IS IT JUST ME OR IS SEXUALINTERCOURSE TURNING INTO A

REAL SNOOZE. THE BEDROOM,THE LIVING ROOM, AND WHAT

ELSE IS THERE.

WELL, IF YOU LIVE IN THE BAYAREA, A NEW HOOKUP LOCALE

JUST WANT LIVE WITH A WEBSITE.WHICH IS A NEW REAL PLACE

SAN FRANCISCANS CAN GET IT ON.

A, THE MARIN COUNTY IKEA ISHOSTING AND AFTER DARK PARTY

WHERE VISITORS CAN TEST OUTOT FURNITURE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN PUT YOUR DOOGINDORF NMY BLURBENFLURV.

AND TICKLE THE MEATBALLS.

B, BED AND BANGFEST, A BRUNCHRESTAURANT WHERE YOU EAT IN

BED WITH AN "ANYTHING GOES"UNDER THE COVERS RULE.

C, THE HOOK-UP TRUCK THAT PARKSOUTSIDE BARS FOR CURBSIDE

QUICKIES.

>> I HOPE TO GOD IT'S C.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS INFACT C, THE HOOK-UP TRUCK.

(APPLAUSE)AND SURPRISE, IT'S RUN BY

STEAMPUNK CIRCUS WEIRDOS.

NOW USE OF THE TRUCK IS FREEBUT YOU AGREE TO BE

PHOTOGRAPHED FOR AN ARTGALLERY BEFORE AND AFTER YOU

USE IT.

I ASSUME THE GALLERY ISCALLED PEOPLE WHO USED TO

NOT HAVE TETANUS.

(LAUGHTER)>> FOR BONUS POINTS TELL ME

A GROSSER PLACE TO HOOKUPTHAN THE HOOK-UP TRUCK.

>> UNDER YOUR PARENT'S BEDWHILE THEY'RE HAVING SEX.

>> YES.

>> I CALL THAT, I WITH CALLTHAT AN OEDIPAL UPPER-DECKER.

>> POINTS.

>> I HAVE TO AGREE WITHLAURYN BECAUSE I HAD SEX

UNDER HER PARENT'S BED.

(LAUGHTER)>> I HAD SEX WITH HER PARENTS.

>> OH MY GOD.

#WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> AS I MENTIONED EARLIER

SUNDAY IS MOTHER'S DAY, SO INHONOR OF MOMS TONIGHT'S

#MOMSONGS. SO EXAMPLE WOULDBE --

DON'T STOP TIL YOU GET ENOUGH --VEGETABLES. I CAN DRIVE 55.

JUMP, JUMP BUT TO THE ON THECOUCH.

60 SECOND ON THE CLOCK ANDGO.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW ITFEELS TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO

CLEANS UP AROUND HERE.

>> YES, THE GUILT.

>> CARRY ON MY WAY WARD SON,BUT BY HOME BY 9:00.

>> POINTS.

>> NO ROUGH HOUSING ON THESTAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.

>> POINTS.

>> SOCCER MOMMY-AMADEUS.

>> POINTS.

>> WHO LET THE DOGS OUT,SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME.

>> POINTS.

>> EVERYBODY HAS VISITATION --ON THE WEEKEND.

YES. DIVORCED MOM, YES.

>> ENTER THE SANDMAN, NOT INMY HOUSE.

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.

>> POINTS. RICH.

>> LUNCHBOX FEVER.

>> NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TOREMEMBER CAT SCRATCH FEVER.

>> R-E-S-P-E-C-T YOUR MOTHER.

>> BLURRED C-SECTION LINES.

>> WHAT?

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHTMARE.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHTMARE.

(APPLAUSE)CHILDREN'S TV SHOWS FROM AROUND

THE WORLD HAVE GIVEN US SOME OFTHE LEAST BELOVED, MOST

UNLOVABLE CHARACTERS THAT WEREEVER CREATED.

AND THANK TO ITS YOUTUBES WEDON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR OUR

NIGHTMARES TO MEET THEM.

I'LL SHOW YOU A CREEPYVIDEO FROM A KID'S SHOW AND

I WANT YOU TO NAME THE SHOWTHAT YOU THINK IT'S FROM,

OKAY.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

LOOK AT THESE UNIKELY PUPPETFRIENDS.

>> ♪

>> YES, MATT BESSER.

>> DONALD STERLING'SNIGHTMARE.

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH, RICH.

>> JERRY BROWN'S CABINET.

>> I THINK YOU LOST THE CROWDA LITTLE BIT WITH THE JERRY

BROWN REFERENCE,>> IT WAS A JOKE.

(LAUGHTER)LAUREN LAPKUS. LAUREN.

>> THIS IS SHREK'S FETAL ALCOHOLSYNDROME BROTHER.

>> POINTS, LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> NEXT ONE. LOOK AT THIS HANSYFARMER.

>> GOOD.

>> NICE TOMATO. I'LL SAVE THATFOR MY SANDWICH.

(LAUGHTER)>> VEGETABLE.

>> VEGETABLE.

>> VEGETABLE.

>> YOU KNOW THE COW ISN'TTHE ONLY THING ON A FARM YOU

CAN MILK.

THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

I MEAN GOATS, THERE'S GOATS.

>> LAURYN.

>> SUMMER'S WITH MY UNCLE.

>> IF YOU KEPT PLAYING, YOUWOULD'VE SEEN ME.

>> NEXT ONE, THISSCROTAL-CHEEKED MONSTER.

>> NEXT ONE, THISSCROTAL-CHEEKED MONSTER.

>> NEXT ONE, THISSCROTAL-CHEEKED MONSTER.

>> OH-- HANG ON --I JUST DON'TFEEL GOOD FOR A SECOND.

YEAH, RICH VULTURE.

>> WELL, I REMEMBER EATING MYDICK BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID

WITH MY BALLS.

(APPLAUSE)>> THAT'S CURRENT!

>> IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'STRUE.

>> RAGGEDY SCROT-FACE.

>> YEAH, DEFINITELY.

LAST ONE. THIS VELVETINE NIGHTTERROR.

>> OH, DEARY ME.

WE HAVE BEEN IN LOTS OFTROUBLE, HAVEN'T WE.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE DONNY DARKO COMEDY HOUR.

>> WATERSHIP DOWNERS.

OH, GOOD.

>> YEAH, DEFINITELY.

>> HOW ABOUT WHO [BLEEP] UPROGER RABBIT.

>> DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED --

-- ARE YOU GUYS MAKING -- AREYOU MAKING THE POSITIONS.

>> YEAH.

>> SPOT ON.

>> I FEEL LIKE GETTING NAKEDNOW.

>> I MEAN YOU MIGHT BEEXPECTING THESE LADIES BUT I

THINK MOST WILL LOOK LIKERICH VULTURE.

(LAUGHTER)>> I ASKED YOU GUYS TO WRITE A

REVIEW OF THE EVENT. LET'S SEEWHAT YOU GUYS WROTE. LAUREN.

>> PRETTY SURE I MAY HAVEHAD GREAT SEX WITH A TON OF

GORGEOUS PEOPLE, I HOPE.

>> ALL RIGHT, RICH.

>> THROWING UP ON YOUR YOURSELFIS A LOT MORE FUN IN THE NUDE.

HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH FUNTHOUGH AND NOW I'M IN T&AA.

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, LIGHTWEIGHTS!

>> BEER BELLIES LOOK WORSEWHEN TOUCHING BEER DICKS.

>> BEER WAS FLAT AND SO WERETHE WOMEN.

BEER MICROBREWED, PENISMICROSIZED.

I GIVE IT ONE SHRIVLED BONER.

OMINOUS FORTUNE COOKIES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE HASHTAG FORTUNE COOKIE FAIL

IS SOMETHING CREEPY WE CAMEACROSS ON TUMBLR LIKE THIS

ONE RIGHT HERE.

SOMETHING USUAL WILL HAPPENAT WORK OR SCHOOL NEXT WEEK.

>> SOMETHING USUAL.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME OTHEROMINOUS FORTUNE COOKIES.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKSTARTING NOW.

>> YES.

>> THE BRAKES DON'T WORK.

>> VERY OMINOUS.

>> YOU WERE BORN IN THE YEAROF THE [BLEEP] HEAD.

>> POINTS.

>> CONFUCIUS SAY GO [BLEEP]YOURSELF.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

>> LAURYN.

>> YOU'VE BEEN DEAD FORMONTHS.

>> WHAT!

POINTS.

>> CHRIS WILLIS WAS A GHOSTOF OLD OLD TIME.

>> POINTS.

>> YOU WILL DIE OF BRAINCANCER IN BED.

>> POINTS.

>> REMINDER, YOUR DENTISTAPPOINTMENT IS AT 2:30.

>> GODDAMN IT, IT IS.

>> I'M SO MAD AT THATONE. POINTS.

>> LAUREN.

>> I HAVE A KEY TO YOURHOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> IF YOU FART YOU WILL[BLEEP].

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