CC Presents: Christian Finnegan

  • 03/10/2005

HELLO, FOLKS.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

I JUST WANT TO GET THISOUT OF THE WAY RIGHT UP TOP.

I AM AWARE THAT I LOOK SLIGHTLY LIKE BIFF FROM

BACK TO THE FUTURE.

[LAUGHTER]YOU GUY'S IN A GOOD MOOD

TONIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]NICE.

I LIKE IT.

I GOT A LOT OF "YEAH'S."

I GOT A LOT OF APPLAUSE.

I GOT A BUNCH OF "WEEEOOO."

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE

ABOUT PERFORMING IS THAT I--IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF STRANGERS

LIKE YOURSELVES-- ASK A YESOR NO QUESTION LIKE "ARE YOU

IN A GOOD MOOD," AND PEOPLE WILLJUST YELL WORDLESSLY, RIGHT?

"HEY, YOU IN A GOOD MOOD?""WEEEOOO."

"AAAOOO."

[LAUGHTER]IT'S WEIRD, RIGHT, 'CAUSE

IT'S NOT TECHNICALLY AN ANSWERTO THE QUESTION.

[LAUGHTER]YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DOING

A QUESTIONNAIRE, THERE'S THE BOXFOR YES, THERE'S A BOX FOR NO.

THERE'S NO BOX FOR "WEEOOO."

[LAUGHTER]BUT I LIKE IT.

SO NOW I'M DOING IT IN THE RESTOF MY LIFE, LIKE JOB INTERVIEWS.

[LAUGHTER]"SO MR. FINNEGAN, DO YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE QUALIFIED FOR THISPOSITION?"

"WEEOOO!""AAAOOO!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]"MR. FINNEGAN-- MR. FINNEGAN,

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHARGESAGAINST YOU?"

"WEEOOO!

WEEOOO!

WEEOOO!

WEEOOO."

[LAUGHTER]WELL, IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE

HERE.

THERE ARE A LOT OF BEAUTIFULWOMEN HERE.

HELLO, LADIES, NICE TO SEE YOU.

HELLO.

HMMM MMM.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO BE UP FRONT.

I AM HOPING TO SLEEP WITH ONE OFYOU AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]YOU CAN DECIDE AMONGST

YOURSELVES WHICH ONE OF YOUIT'S GOING TO BE...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]VIA SECRET BALLOT, SHORT STRAW,

I DON'T CARE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL NOT TECHNICALLYA SHORT STRAW.

IT'S A PERFECTLY ADEQUATE STRAW.

[LAUGHTER]YOU KNOW WHO LOVES THAT JOKE,

MY GIRLFRIEND.

OH HO HO, SHE CAN'T GET ENOUGHOF IT.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

TELL ME ABOUT THE TIMEYOU WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS.

WOO, HOO-HOO.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

AND I'M VERY LUCKY THAT I DO.

BECAUSE I DON'T IF YOU NOTICED,

BUT I AM NOT IN THE PEAK

PHYSICAL CONDITION OF MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT.

I JOINED A GYM RECENTLY.

AND I DON'T HAVE THE BEST

HISTORY IN THE WORLD OF STICKING

WITH MY FITNESS REGIMENS.

BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS TIME'S

GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

I FIGURE ONE OF TWO THINGS

IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

EITHER I'LL GET INTO SHAPE,

OR I'LL RESIGN MYSELF TO PAYING

AN $85 A MONTH FAT TAX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I'LL PAY A FAT TAX--

A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF MONEY

EVERY MONTH TO FEEL OKAY ABOUT

THE NASTY PIG I AM.

THE FIRST OF THE MONTH

ROLLS AROUND-- "HERE'S YOUR $85.

NOW COULD YOU PASS THE

'TATER SKINS, PLEASE.

JUST SPRING 'EM RIGHT OVER."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'M NOT IN PARTICULARLY

GOOD SHAPE.

AND I'M NOT EXACTLY A FINANCIAL

MASTERMIND.

THIS WAS PROVEN TO ME RECENTLY

WHEN I PLAYED MONOPOLY WITH SOME

FRIENDS OF MINE.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

HAS THERE EVER BEEN A GAME OF

MONOPOLY THAT DIDN'T END WITH

A FIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?

IT'S NEVER LIKE, "WELL I SAY,

OLD FRIEND, WONDERFUL GAME OF

MONOPOLY.

NOW, LET'S RETIRE TO THE PORCH

FOR A MINT JULEP."

NO.

USUALLY ENDS WITH SOMEONE

BEING LIKE, "[BLEEP] THIS,"

AND LIKE HITTING THE PIECES

OFF THE BOARD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"COMMUNITY CHEST CARDS IN

THE AIR...

I HATE YOU!

I HATE ALL OF YOU!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

IT'S A CONTENTIOUS GAME--

MONOPOLY.

AND I THINK THE REASON IS

BECAUSE MONOPOLY WILL REVEAL

WHO YOU REALLY ARE WHEN IT

COMES TO FINANCIAL PLANNING.

LIKE WHATEVER YOUR RELATIONSHIP

WITH MONEY IS IN THE REAL WORLD

WILL PLAY OUT ON THE MONOPOLY

BOARD.

LIKE I'M SURE THERE ARE SOME OF

YOU OUT THERE WHO HAVE

REAL JOBS, PAY YOUR BILLS

ON TIME, DON'T OVEREXTEND

YOURSELVES.

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,

AND I HATE YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY GREAT AT

MONOPOLY.

BUT THEN THERE'S THAT

OTHER KIND OF GUY WHO LIKES

TO SPEND MONEY WHEN HE DOESN'T

REALLY HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

LIVE FOR THE MOMENT.

"WHAT, AM I GOING TO MAKE

A BUDGET?

ERRR, LIKE THAT KIND OF THING,

YOU KNOW?"

AND THAT ALSO PLAYS OUT ON

MONOPOLY BOARD.

THE FIRST HOUR-- I'M JUST BUYING

EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I'M-- VENTNER?

ABSOLUTELY, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

ORIENTAL?

BRING IT.

COME ON.

KEEP IT GOING, MAN.

I WANT IT ALL.

LOOK MAN, I REALIZE I ONLY HAVE

$40 LEFT, BUT IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE

I'M GOING TO BE PASSING GO

IN LIKE TWO TURNS.

AND THAT'S $200 MORE

RIGHT THERE, MAN.

SO I CAN SPEND AS IF I HAVE

$240, REALLY, YOU KNOW, I MEAN

AS LONG AS I DON'T ROLL A 3, 5,

9, 11, OR 12, I'M TOTALLY OKAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CUT TO AN HOUR LATER, YOUR ONCE

PROUD FLEET OF PROPERTIES

HAS ALL BEEN MORTGAGED OFF.

AND YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE THIMBLE

IS SITTING THERE FACING

A GAUNTLET OF HOTELS BETWEEN YOU

AND THE RELATIVE SAFETY OF

LUXURY TAX.

YOU KNOW THAT POINT IN THE GAME

WHERE YOU'RE HOPING TO LAND ON

LUXURY TAX, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE

BEST OPTION?

YOU'RE LIKE, SCREW IT.

WHAT'S 10% OF $8?

I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND EVENTUALLY THERE COMES

THAT MOMENT WHERE I LOOK DOWN AT

THE BOARD AND I SAY TO MYSELF,

"HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?

WHAT HAPPENED?"

IT'S A METAPHOR FOR MY

ADULT LIFE.

THING IS, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I'M RATHER INTELLIGENT

AS PROVEN BY THE FACT THAT

I JUST USED THE WORD "RATHER"

IN A SENTENCE.

[CHEERING]

SO WHY DO I SUCK AT MONOPOLY,

AND BY EXTENSION ADULTHOOD?

THERE ARE GAMES I'M GREAT AT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GREAT AT?

TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AHHH, WHAT GOOD IS THAT

GOING TO DO YOU IN LIFE?

IT HAS THE WORD "TRIVIAL"

IN THE NAME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE GAME IS BASICALLY

TELLING YOU, "YOU PURSUE

TRIVIAL THINGS, TRIVIAL, AS IN

NOT IMPORTANT.

TRIVIAL, AS IN MAYBE YOU SHOULD

HAVE GONE TO GRAD SCHOOL...

POSSIBLY."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'VE DECIDED THAT THERE ARE

TWO KINDS OF INTELLIGENCE

IN THIS WORLD.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE

MONOPOLY SMART AND THERE ARE

PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIVIAL PURSUIT

SMART.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE

MONOPOLY SMART ARE THE PEOPLE

WHO THINK LONG TERM...

WHO SET A GOAL, AND ACTUALLY

DO THE THINGS TO MAKE THAT GOAL

HAPPEN...

A-[BLEEP], BASICALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIVIAL

PURSUIT SMART ARE THE PEOPLE WHO

KNOW A LOT ABOUT EVERYTHING,

BUT NEVER REALLY END UP

DOING ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE IF YOU'RE STARTING A

BUSINESS DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME.

BUT IF YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO THE

LEAD SINGER OF KAJAGOOGOO IS,

I'M YOUR GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS NAME IS LIMAHL, BY THE WAY.

YOU GUYS I'M SURE HAVE

REAL JOBS, OFFICE JOBS.

ANYBODY BY A SHOW OF

BROKEN SPIRITS, ANYBODY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ADMIRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE

OFFICE JOBS.

I'M NOT ALLOWED.

I WAS TOLD BY A PHYSICIAN

TO AVOID ANY LINE OF WORK,

WHERE PEOPLE NEED TO, UM...

DEPEND ON ME FOR ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH RULES THAT OUT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE THING I HATE ABOUT WORKING

IN AN OFFICE IS THAT THERE'S

ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY IN EVERY

OFFICE WHO'S NEVER AT HIS OWN

DESK.

HE'S JUST WALKING AROUND MAKING

CHITCHAT WITH PEOPLE ALL DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS THE KINDA GUY WHO WILL

COME AND TALK TO YOU HAVING

NO IDEA THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY

BE BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

LIKE-- "AH, EXCUSE ME,

I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY

LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS.

THANK YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DUDE, THIS IS MY COUSIN

IN MAINE.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE WASTING

MY ANYTIME MINUTES ON THIS.

CAN YOU JUST--

THE INTERNET ISN'T GOING

TO SURF ITSELF, ALL RIGHT?

CAN YOU JUST KEEP WALKING?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE TO BE RUDE TO A GUY

LIKE THAT BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

HE'LL JUST LAUNCH INTO SOME

LONG PERSONAL ANECDOTE THAT HAS

NO POINT AT ALL.

DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHO WILL

TELL YOU A STORY, AND ABOUT

10 MINUTES IN YOU'D BE LIKE,

"WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THIS?"

IT'S LIKE A HUGE PET PEEVE

OF MINE.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN

A STORY HAS NO POINT--

BECAUSE THEY ALL END WITH

THE EXACT SAME SENTENCE.

AND THAT SENTENCE IS,

"SO I WAS JUST LIKE, PFFF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL PUT IT INTO CONTEXT

FOR YOU.

"SO I WENT DOWN THERE.

I'M LIKE 'CAN I GET MY

PETTY CASH?'

SHE'S LIKE 'YOU GOTTA HAVE DAVE

SIGN THAT.'

I'M LIKE, 'DAVE'S AT A SALES

CONFERENCE 'TIL THURSDAY.'

SHE'S LIKE, 'SORRY.'

AND I'M JUST LIKE, 'PFFF.'

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THAT CHUNK

OF YOUR LIFE IS GONE FOREVER.

YOU WILL NEVER GET THOSE MINUTES

BACK.

I WON'T STAND FOR IT.

HERE'S WHAT I DO.

YOU CAN STEAL THIS IF YOU LIKE.

IF SOMEBODY'S EVER TELLING YOU A

STORY AND YOU WANT 'EM TO STOP,

JUST MAKE YOUR MAKE-OUT FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

I SWEAR TO GOD THIS WORKS.

AS HE'S TALKING, JUST GET

RIGHT UP CLOSE TO HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STARE AT HIS MOUTH,

TILT YOUR HEAD SLIGHTLY,

AND LEAN IN.

AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO

GET BOLD, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND

PART YOUR LIPS.

SO AS HE'S TALKING, HE JUST SEES

THIS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT DUDE WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU

AGAIN.

THAT IS MY PROMISE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND IF HE DOES, WELL THAT'S

REALLY ON YOU AT THAT POINT.

YOU BROUGHT THAT ON YOURSELF.

AT LEAST YOU GOT A DATE FOR THE

CHRISTMAS PARTY.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE NEVER BEEN A HUGE FAN OF

BIRTHDAYS.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE MY BIRTHDAY

IS ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH?

THAT GETS OLD REAL QUICK,

DOESN'T IT, RIGHT?

'CAUSE EVERY YEAR YOU GO OUT

DRINKING WITH YOUR FRIENDS

AND THEY HAVE THE SAME FUNNY

COMMENTS.

LIKE, "HAH, HAH!

YOU WERE BORN ON

APRIL FOOL'S DAY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE A FOOL, RIGHT?

HAH, HAH!

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE YOU'RE PARENTS WERE

JOKING.

WHEEE!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN THEY KEEP DRINKING.

AND THE COMMENTS JUST GET

WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

[DRUNKEN VOICE] "YOU WERE BORN

ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE A DICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I HATE YOU.

HAH, HAH, JUST KIDDING, MAN,

APRIL'S FOOL DAY.

HAPPY-- BRUUAHHH!

UUUAAAHHH!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST

AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE OR THREE.

I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO POUND A FEW

FUZZY NAVELS IN MY TIME.

SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY

GOING TO GET DRINK TONIGHT.

I HOPE YOU DO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE SO.

BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR GUY'S,

DON'T DRINK SO MUCH THAT

YOU BECOME THE GUY THAT

GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND MOANS

WHILE TAKING A LEAK.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE THE WOMEN IN THE ROOM--

THEY MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EVERY DUDE KNOWS.

YOU'RE AT A BAR.

YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF

BUSINESS.

SOME DRUNKEN SLOB STAGGERS IN

AND YOU GET FIVE MINUTES OF

THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

"UHHH-- UHHH-- UHHH-- UHHH."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'LL GET THE GUY WHO WILL

ACTUALLY LEAN AGAINST THE WALL.

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

OH, SWEET JESUS.

OH."

WHAT ARE YOU, PASSING A STONE?

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, GENTLEMEN.

DON'T MOAN AT THE URINAL.

AND YOU KNOW DO ME A FAVOR,

LET'S NOT CHITCHAT AT THE

URINAL.

YOU KNOW YOU'LL GET THE GUY

WHO'LL BE LIKE, "HEY BUDDY,

WHAT'S GOING ON TONIGHT?"

"WELL, I CURRENTLY HAVE MY PENIS

IN MY HAND.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD A GUY ONCE-- NOT ONLY

DID HE MOAN, NOT ONLY DID

HE TALK TO ME, HE PUT HIS ARM

AROUND ME.

NOOO.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T CARE HOW DRUNK YOU ARE.

THAT IS NOT COOL.

IF YOU'RE EVER SO DRUNK THAT

YOU'RE CONSIDERING DOING THAT,

HERE'S MY LITTLE RULE OF THUMB.

DON'T TOUCH ME

WHILE I'M TOUCHING ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

THE THOUGHT PROCESS IS THERE.

LIKE, "OH SURE, THIS WOULD BE

WEIRD SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT WE'RE

JUST IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH."

LIKE IF I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF

THIS ROOM WITH MY [BLEEP] IN

MY HAND, YOU WOULDN'T PUT YOUR

ARM AROUND ME, WOULD YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULD YOU?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO?

OKAY.

LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S A LITTLE PIECE OF TRIVIA

YOU CAN SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT WOMAN

WHO DISAPPEARED A FEW YEARS AGO

CHANDRA LEVY?

DO YOU REMEMBER HER?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

I FOUND THIS FASCINATING.

APPARENTLY THE DAY SHE

DISAPPEARED SHE HAD GONE ON HER

COMPUTER.

AND THE LAST WEBSITE SHE EVER

VISITED WAS AN ON-LINE MAP

OF THE PARK WHERE HER BODY WAS

FOUND.

THAT'S TRUE.

I JUST HOPE IF I EVER DISAPPEAR,

PEOPLE DON'T LOOK FOR ME

BASED ON THE LAST WEBSITES

I VISITED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE KIND OF AN AWKWARD

PRESS CONFERENCE WITH MY PARENTS

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"OFFICER, DO YOU HAVE

ANY LEADS?"

"WELL, BASED ON MR. FINNEGAN'S

COMPUTER ENTRIES, WE THINK HE

WAS ABDUCTED BY SORORITY SLUTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE BIRDS

AND THE BEES.

I UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS I DON'T

UNDERSTAND HOW THE TERM

"THE BIRDS AND THE BEES"

GOT STARTED, RIGHT?

WHY IS THE BIRD HAVING SEX WITH

THE BEE?

NOBODY'S EVER EXPLAINED THAT

TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THINK HOW CONFUSING

THAT IS FOR A LITTLE KID, RIGHT?

HIS VOICE IS CHANGING.

HAIR IS STARTING TO GROW

DOWNSTAIRS.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT.

AND NOW HE'S GOTTA FILTER IT

THROUGH THE METAPHOR OF

INTERSPECIES NOOKY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT HAPPENS?

A KID TURNS 12.

HIS BODY STARTS TO CHANGE.

HIS DAD SITS HIM DOWN AND TELLS

HIM ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES,

RIGHT?

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS

ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY THAT A

13 YEAR-OLD IS JUST NOT READY

TO HEAR.

SOME OF YOU OLDER PEOPLE IN THE

AUDIENCE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

THAT'S WHY I THINK WHEN A GUY

TURNS 30, HIS DAD SHOULD SIT HIM

DOWN AGAIN AND HAVE A SECOND

BIRDS AND THE BEES CONVERSATION.

LIKE-- "WELL SON, THERE'S GOING

TO COME A TIME IN THE BEE'S LIFE

WHERE MAYBE THE STINGER DOESN'T

QUITE RESPOND THE WAY IT USED

TO.

[LAUGHTER]

AH SURE, THE BEE USED TO DROP

THE HAMMER THREE OR FOUR TIMES

A NIGHT.

HE DIDN'T EVEN CARE WHAT

SHE LOOKED LIKE.

HE WAS JUST HAPPY TO BE DOING

IT.

NOT SO MUCH THESE DAYS--

ONCE A NIGHT, REALLY.

I MEAN TWICE, OCCASIONALLY."

"BUT THERE MIGHT BE SOME NIGHTS

WHERE MAYBE THE BEE'S JUST NOT

INTO IT.

NOBODY'S FAULT.

THE BEE'S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD

THAT NIGHT.

NOW THE BIRD WILL TRY TO TELL

THE BEE IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS A

DRINKING PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THE BIRD'S SO PERFECT.

I KNOW-- 'I'M THE BIRD.

I KNOW EVERYTHING.

I'M GOING TO BUST YOUR BALLS

CONSTANTLY.

I'M THE BIRD.'"

"AND THE BEE WILL SAY,

'WELL BIRD, MAYBE IF YOU TOOK

CARE OF YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE,

THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

FOR ME.

DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?'

AND THE BIRD WILL SAY,

'WELL WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I CAN TRY NEW THINGS.

I CAN BE EXPERIMENTAL.'

NOW THIS IS A TRAP FOR THE BEE."

[LAUGHTER]

"BECAUSE IF THE BEE

VERY INNOCENTLY SUGGESTS MAYBE

BRINGING A SECOND BIRD INTO

THE SITUATION.

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE BEE'S

GOTTA GET A LAWYER.

AND THE BIRD GETS HALF

HIS STUFF.

IT'S TRAGIC, I TELL YOU."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK CITYAND I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AND I ALSO LOVE AMERICA

AND PUPPIES.

AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

COME ON.

I LOVE NEW YORK.

I THINK THE SECRET OF SURVIVINGIN NEW YORK WITHOUT GOING CRAZY

IS LEARNING HOW TO BLOCKTHINGS OUT.

ALL THE EXTRANEOUS NOISEYOU HEAR, YOU KNOW.

LIKE CAR ALARMS FOR INSTANCE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT CAR ALARMSARE ANNOYING, BUT NOBODY

EVEN MENTIONS THE FACT THATTHEY'RE ALSO COMPLETELY USELESS.

BECAUSE WHEN IS THE LAST TIME--AND THIS IS NOT A

RHETORICAL QUESTION--HONESTLY ASK YOURSELF THIS--

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERELYING IN BED, HEARD A CAR ALARM

GO OFF AND THOUGHT TO YOURSELF,"OH MY GOD, A CAR IS BEING

STOLEN"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]TEN YEARS AGO MAYBE?

NO.

YOU THINK, "SOMEBODY BETTER SHUTTHAT [BLEEP] DAMN THING OFF...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]OR I'M GOING TO STAB MYSELF."

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK A CARIS BEING STOLEN, RIGHT?

AND EVEN IF YOU DIDIT'S NOT GOING TO GO DO

ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'M NOT BATMAN, FOR [BLEEP]SAKE.

NO.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SAY,"OH, SUCKS TO BE THAT DUDE,"

AND PUT YOUR PILLOW OVER YOURHEAD AND GO TO SLEEP, RIGHT?

SO THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF ACAR ALARM IF IT DOESN'T GET

PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR BEDS TO COMEHELP YOU?

SO IF I EVER HAVE A CAR ALARM,IF I EVER HAVE A CAR...

[LAUGHTER]IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A BIG

SPEAKER ON THE BACK OF MY CAR.

AND WHENEVER ANYBODY TRIES TOBREAK IN IT'S JUST GOING TO GO,

"ATTENTION, FREE BAGS OF WEED.

[ALARM SOUNDING]COME GET YOUR FREE BAGS OF

WEED."

[ALARM SOUNDING][CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE ARE GOINGTO COME RUNNING-- MAYBE NOT THE

KIND OF PEOPLE WHO CAN HELPA WHOLE LOT.

BUT PEOPLE, NONETHELESS.

[LAUGHTER]YOU PROBABLY SEE PEOPLE ON THE

STREET TALKING TO THEMSELVESAND YOU FEEL BAD FOR THEM.

I KNOW I USED TO.

NOW I'M JUST KINDA JEALOUSOF THEM.

BECAUSE SURE, THEY'RE CRAZYBUT THEY'RE ALWAYS HAVING REALLY

INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT?

[LAUGHTER]MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE

CRAP YOU AND I TALK ABOUT ON ADAY-TO-DAY BASIS.

I CAN SPEND 40 MINUTES ON THEPHONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS OFBUYING A BED SKIRT.

[LAUGHTER]MEANWHILE, THIS GUY OVER HERE IS

DISCUSSING MILITARY STRATEGYWITH CHARLEMAGNE.

I WANT THAT CONVERSATION.

I SAW A GUY ONCE YOU SHOULDREALLY FEEL BAD FOR.

HE WASN'T TALKING TO HIMSELF.

HE WAS LISTENING TO HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]WHAT I MEAN BY THIS IS

HE WAS HAVING AN IMAGINARYCONVERSATION, BUT HE COULD NOT

GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.

SO THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S JUSTDOING THIS, "RIGHT, YEAH.

YOU KNOW-- YEAH.

WELL, THAT-- THAT'S THE-- THING.

YEAH-- I WAS-- I KNOW.

YEAH."

FOR 25 MINUTES!

THAT'S AN AFFLICTION.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]THAT'S LIKE HAVING THAT

BORING STORY GUY FROM THE OFFICESTUCK INSIDE YOUR SKULL.

AND I COULD TELL THAT WASTHE CASE 'CAUSE AT ONE POINT

HE DID THIS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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