CC Presents: Mark Curry

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 06/11/1999

LOOK AT THAT, NEW YORK CITY.

GIVE IT UP FOR NEW YORK CITY.

( applause and cheering )

THIS IS ONE HELL OF A CITY.

ANY, ANYBODY FROM OUT OF TOWN?

WHO'S FROM OUT OF TOWN HERE?

( loud cheering )

OKAY, WHERE YOU FROM, BRO?

FLORIDA.FLORIDA.

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA.CLEARWATER...

NOW, IN FLORIDA,WHEN THE LIGHT TURN GREEN

THAT MEANS YOU CAN WHAT?

GO.GO. GO.

AND YOU, YOU WALKACROSS THE STREET

NOW, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T LOOKFOR CARS TO KILL YOU, DO YOU?

YOU WALK ACROSS GREEN...

( whistling tune )

NEW YORK,GREEN DON'T MEAN NOTHING.

EVERY TIMEYOU CROSS THE STREET HERE

YOU GOT TO PLAY DODGE BALL.

WHOA!

YOU BE HAVING YOUR WOMANON YOUR SIDE.

"LET ME GO.GO FOR YOURSELF, GIRL."

YOU GO...

( laughs )

YOU GET ACROSS,YOU GOT TO COAX HER:

"COME ON, GIRL, YOU CAN MAKE IT!

"POOKIE, BABY!OH, MY GOD! GET UP!

"LEAVE THE SHOPPING BAGS.GET UP!

WATCH THE MESSENGER... OH!"

THEY DON'T CARE HERE.

( laughing )

LOOK AT THE BLACK PEOPLE.

"YEAH, THEY ARE."

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T USE THELIGHTS WHEN THEY PULLED US OVER.

THEY JUST LIKE,"WHOOP-WHOOP WHOOP!

WHOOP, WHOOP."

"WHOOP."

"WHAT WAS THAT?

"I KNOW HE DIDN'T JUST WHOOP ME.

"HELL, NAW,I AIN'T PULLING OVER.

"I NEED ALL MY LIGHTS.

"ABOUT TO GIVE ME A $200 TICKET,I WANT YOUR BATTERY TO RUN DOWN.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT."

GETTING PULLED OVER--I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE

WHEN YOU GET PULLED OVERBY THE POLICE, YOU CUSS.

SOON AS THE POLICECOME BEHIND YOU

( groaning ):AHH...! DAMN!

DAMN!

YOU CAN BE A OLD LADY, YOU CUSS,"THAT BASTARD MOTHER ( bleep )."

"WHERE MY PILLS?"

AND POLICE JUST DON'TPULL YOU OVER RIGHT AWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY FOLLOW YOU.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

THEY FOLLOW YOU FOR, LIKE,TEN, 15 BLOCKS

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMN!"

YOU JUST WANT TO GET OUT THECAR, "JUST GIVE ME A TICKET

"AND STOP MESSING WITH ME!

"OKAY, I RANTHROUGH A RED LIGHT.

JUST GIVE ME A TICKET!"

YOU SAY THAT IN YOUR MIND.

WHEN THEY JUST... WHEN POLICE,WHEN POLICE BEHIND YOU

THAT'S WHEN YOU THINKOF EVERY TICKET

YOU EVER GOT IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU SAY,"OKAY, I GOT ONE IN JUNE

"FOR WEAVING IN AND OUTTHAT FUNERAL PROCESSION.

"I PAID THAT ONE.

"ON THAT LAST TICKET, I DIDN'TKNOW WHERE TO SEND IT.

"IT WASN'T NO ADDRESSON THE ENVELOPE

"SO THAT AIN'T MY FAULT.

IT AIN'T MY FAULT."

YOU IN YOUR CAR, LIKE, "DAMN!

"NOBODY MOVE. EVERYBODY BE COOL.

"TURN YOUR HATS AROUND.EVERYBODY TURN YOUR HATS AROUND.

"TURN YOUR HATS AROUND.

"SIT UP STRAIGHT,SIT UP STRAIGHT.

"BE COOL, BE COOL, BE COOL,BE COOL.

THERE WE GO."

SEAT BELTS DON'T WORK.

YOU TIE IT AROUND YOUR THIGHS.

"TINY, SIT DOWN.

SIT ON THE SEAT BELT.PUT IT ON."

( grunting )

YOU CHECK THE ASHTRAY.

"OH, MY GOD."

( coughing )

TURN SIGNALS AIN'T NEVER WORKED.

YOU DO IT WITH YOUR HAND.

YOU FORGOT HOW TO DO IT.

YOU DOING ANYTHING YOU CAN.

YOU TALKING TO PEOPLE.

"ALL RIGHT, VAN, YOU GO,AND I'LL GO AFTER YOU.

"YOU GO. COME ON, COME ON.

"LADY, ARE YOU COMINGACROSS THE STREET?"

"NO, I'M NOT."

"TAKE YOUR ASS

"ACROSS THE STREET.

"BE COOL. NOBODY MOVE,NOBODY MOVE.

BE COOL, BE COOL, BE COOL."

MINORITIES, WE GET PULLED OVER,WE CAN'T MOVE.

MINORITIES...

( chuckles )

WE GOT TO PUT OUR HANDSWHERE YOU CAN SEE THEM.

MINORITIES, WE GET PULLED OVER,WE LIKE THIS, "NOBODY MOVE.

( muffled ):"NOBODY MOVE,NOBODY SAY NOTHING.

"NOBODY MOVE, NOBODY MOVE.

"YOU GOT ONE ON YOUR RIGHT,ONE ON YOUR LEFT.

"ONE ON YOUR RIGHT,ONE ON YOUR LEFT.

"NOBODY MOVE.

BE COOL, BE COOL, BE COOL,BE COOL."

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU GUYS GET OUTAND TALK TO THE POLICE.

"OFFICER, HOW YOU DOING?"

"WELL, THAT STOP SIGN,I COULDN'T SEE.

IT WAS BLOCKED BY SOME FOLIAGE,AND WE, I COULDN'T SEE IT."

"DO YOU KNOW BOB BECKER?

WHAT ABOUT DAVID GOLDMAN?"

"NOBODY MOVE, NOBODY MOVE,NOBODY MOVE.

"NOBODY MOVE, NOBODY MOVE

"NOBODY MOVE.

"HOW YOU DOING, OFFICER?

THE REASON I WAS EXCEEDINGTHE SPEE..."

WHY WE TALK LIKE THATTO THE POLICE?

WHY WE COME UP WITH WORDSWE NEVER USE?

SUDDENLY,WE ARE HARVARD GRADUATES

WHEN WE TALK TO THE POLICE.

WE SUPER-EDUCATED.

"HOW YOU DOING, OFFICER?

"THE REASON I WAS EXCEEDINGTHE SPEED LIMIT

"WAS DUE TO THE FACT THATI WAS TRYING TO EXTRAORDINARY

"GET DOWN TO THE YOUTH CENTER

"SO I COULD READAND EDUCATE THE KIDS

"ON THE EXTRAORDINARY PROCESSES

"OF THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEMOF AMERICA.

"I KNOW IT'S 3:00 A.M.

"I WAS TRYING TO GETA JUMP ON THE EDUCATION

"SO I COULD SYSTEMATICALLYCONTROL MY UNIVERSE

"SO WE CAN CONTROLTHEIR UNIVERSE

"SO WE CAN DESTROY THE NEGATIVEIMAGES OF STEREOTYPES

"BROUGHT TO USBY DIFFERENT ELEMENTS

OR FACTORS IN THIS UNIVERSE."

"WHAT'D YOU...WHAT'D YOU SAY, OFFICER?"

"COULD YOU ROLL DOWNYOUR WINDOW, PLEASE?"

IT DON'T BE NO BROTHERS AT ALL.

YEAH, I WENT TO GO SEE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

GOOD MOVIE, ACADEMY AWARDAND ALL THAT.

NO BROTHERS.

NOW, IT WAS BROTHERSIN WORLD WAR II.

IT WAS. MY DADDY WASIN WORLD WAR II.

IT WAS.

( applause )

MATTER OF FACT,WE GOT THERE FIRST.

( laughs )

WE DID.

"HENRY?!"

"YES, YES, SERGEANT."

"WANT YOUTO RUN ACROSS THAT FIELD

AND MAKE SURETHAT AIN'T THE ENEMY."

"HUH?"

"WANT YOUTO RUN ACROSS THAT FIELD

AND MAKE SURETHAT AIN'T THE ENEMY."

"I'M SURE THAT'S THE ENEMY, SIR.

"SOMEBODY SHOOTING THEM GUNS.

"THEM GUNS AIN'T SHOOTINGBY THEMSELVES.

"LET ME SEE.

YEP, THAT'S A ENEMY."

"DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY."

HENRY RUN ACROSS...

( imitates gunfire )

"ALL RIGHT, MEN,LET'S GO THIS WAY."

TITANIC, ANOTHER MOVIE--

GOOD MOVIE, TITANIC.

GOOD MOVIE, NO BROTHERS.

YOU KNOW IT WAS BROTHERSON THE TITANIC.

WHO IN THE HELL YOU THINKBROUGHT THAT LUGGAGE ABOARD?

THINK ABOUT IT.

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THEY WENTDOWN TO THE ENGINE ROOM?

I SAID, "OH, YEAH,THIS GOING TO BE THE BROTHERS.

HERE COME THE BROTHERS NOW."

I THOUGHT SURE YOU GOING TO SEEA BROTHER SHOVELING COAL.

( panting )

"YOU KEEP PUSHING HER LIKE THAT,SIR, YOU GON' BLOW HER UP."

THAT WAS NO BROTHERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO BEA HISTORICAL MOMENT

20 YEARS FROM NOW?

( chuckles )

ON B.E.T.

BOUGHT TO YOU BY MALT LIQUORAND CIGARETTES.

WHY THEY ALWAYS GIVE USHISTORICAL MOMENTS

BY THE STUFF THAT'S KILLING US?

THIS IS THE STO...

( laughs )

THIS IS THE STORYOF LEROY AND BOBBY JENKINS.

( laughs )

THE ONLY TWO BROTHERSON THE TITANIC.

A REENACTMENT.

"LEROY, WAKE UP.THIS MOTHER ( bleep ) SINKING."

"HUH?!"

( nervous muttering )

"COME ON...

I WAS OUTSIDE FISHING,THIS FOOL RAN INTO A ICEBERG."

"SOME CRAZY LADY IN THE FRONTDOING LIKE THIS..."

"LET'S GO.

"DON'T WAKE NOBODY UP.

"THEY WOULDN'T LET US ON.

"THEY AIN'T GONNA LET US OFF.

WOULD YOU COME ON?"

BLACK PEOPLE DISCOVEREDA LOT OF STUFF.

WE DID, WE DID;EVEN THE WHITE DUDE IS CLAPPING.

YEAH.

WE DID. THINK ABOUT IT. WE DID.

BROTHERS, WE WERE THEREIN HISTORY A LOT OF TIMES.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

THEY SAY HE DISCOVERED AMERICA.

NOW, COME ON.

YOU KNOW HE GOT CLOSE.

HE HAD A BROTHER DO IT.

HE GOT CLOSE: "THAT'S NEW LAND.

"HENRY?"

"DAMN!"

"YEAH, CHRISTOPHER?"

"WANT YOU TO GO SEEWHAT'S OUT THERE."

( muttering silently )

"BEEN WORKING YOUR WIFETHE WHOLE TRIP."

YOU KNOW, 20 MINUTES LATER,HENRY OUT THERE SMOKING

THE PEACE PIPE WITH THE INDIANS.

( inhaling )

"THIS SOME GOOD STUFF.

"MAN, YOU GROW THIS?

"OOH! OOH!

"DANG!

"YOU GUYS BE HIGH.

"NO WONDER YOU GUYS BE...

( whooping )

"OHH! HEY, YO, THE REAL DEAL--

THEY 'BOUT TO TAKEALL YOUR LAND."

"I SEEN THE PLANS.

"THEY GONNA GIVE YOU A TURKEYDINNER AND TAKE ALL YO SH...

"HEY, WHEN YOU HEARTHE WORD 'RESERVATION'

"THEY AIN'T TALKING'BOUT A HOTEL.

"HEY, CAN I GET A SACK OF THIS?

"WHICH WAY TO DETROIT?

ALL RIGHT."

( whooping )

THEY SAY THEY WERETHE FIRST PEOPLE TO FLY.

NOW, COME ON.

YOU KNOW BACK THEN

THEY HAD BROTHERSTO DO THAT FOR THEM.

WOULD YOU GET IN A PLANEAIN'T NEVER BEEN INVENTED?

HELL, NAW.

"HENRY?"

"OH, DAMN!"

"WHAT'S UP, ORVILLE?"

"I WANT YOU TO SIT RIGHT HERE."

"WHAT, WHAT IS IT?"

"IT'S A PLANE."

"WHAT DOES IT DO?"

"YOU'LL FIND OUT IN A MINUTE."

( makes clicking sounds )

( laughing )

"WHEN I START THIS ENGINE,PULL THIS LEVER BACK."

( screaming )

HENRY TOOK OFF.

HENRY'S IN THE AIR,AND THEY SAY

"ALL RIGHT, HENRY, GREAT.

COME BACK DOWN."

"HELL, NAW."

( humming like engine )

"I'M GOING TO D.C."

HIS NAME WAS HENRY UNITED.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY BOOKS.

WE INVENTED A LOT OF STUFF.

WE DID, YES, WE DID.

INVENTED A LOT OF STUFF.

YOU KNOW WE INVENTEDTHE GOLF TEE.

BLACK PEOPLE INVENTEDTHE GOLF TEE.

KNOW THAT?PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THE LITTLE GOLF TEE.YOU KNOW...

"DAMN, BOSS, YOU NEED TO RAISEYOUR CLUB UP A LITTLE BIT.

BROTHER GOT TO DO SOMETHINGABOUT THIS, NOW."

( laughing )

WE INVENTED THE PARACHUTE.

( imitating plane engine )

"I AIN'T NEVER BEENIN A PLANE, BOSS.

WHY I NEED THIS BACKPACK ON?"

"YOU'LL FIND OUT IN A MINUTE."

CRASH-TEST DUMMY,WE WERE THE FIRST ONE.

"BOSS, THIS CAR AIN'T GOTNO SEAT BELTS."

"YOU DON'T NEED THEM."

ANYBODY A MODEL OUT THERE?ANY MODELS?

YOU A MODEL?YOU A MODEL, SWEETHEART?

YES.

WHY MODELSLOOK SO MEAN?

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

I WENT TO A FASHION SHOW.

MODELS WEARING$10,000 WORTH OF STUFF

$15,000 SHOES, AND MAD!

YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY THEY MAD?

'CAUSE THEY HUNGRY, THAT'S WHY.

THAT'S WHY.

TRYING TO BE A SIZE ONEALL YOUR LIFE

YOU'D GET HEADACHESAND CRAMPS, TOO.

THEY BE LOOKING FOR FOOD.

ANYBODY GOT SOME DENTYNE,A CHIP OR SOMETHING?

OR SOMETHING.

YOU WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN?

GO TO A FASHION SHOWAND THROW A COOKIE ONSTAGE

AND WATCH 'EM.

( laughing )

THEY HUNGRY, THEY COME UP--

THEM MODELS, BOY!

OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO?

GO TO A FASHION SHOWAND FILM IT, RIGHT?

THEN PLAY IT BACKIN SLOW MOTION.

THEY LOOK JUST LIKECRACK ADDICTS.

SAME WALK.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

WHOO! YOU GUYS HAVINGA GOOD TIME SO FAR?

( crowd cheering )

JUST CHECKING.

JUST CHECKING.

Woman:YEAH!

RIGHT ON. OAKLAND PEOPLE.

WHAT YOU HERE IN NEW YORK?

FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTIONPROGRAM?

I GREW UP POOR.

ANYBODY GREW UP POOR?

( cheering )

THERE YOU GO.

AIN'T NOTHING WRONGWITH GROWING UP POOR.

BEING POOR IS COOL

'CAUSE IT'S FUNNYNOW THAT YOU LOOK BACK.

LIKE HALLOWEEN...HALLOWEEN WAS DIFFERENT.

I GREW UP THE BABYOF EIGHT KIDS.

WE GREW UPIN A TWO-BEDROOM HOUSE.

MOM NEVER HAD TOWORRY ABOUT CURFEW.

YOU CAME HOME LATE,YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BED.

IT WAS SIMPLE.

MY BROTHER IN BEDAT 5:00 IN THE AFTERNOON

EATING DINNER.

HALLOWEEN WAS A TRIP.

WE COULDN'T AFFORDNO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

EIGHT KIDS? PLEASE.

MAMA SENT USDOWN TO THE LIQUOR STORE

PUT BOXES ON US.

WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE.

"I DON'T KNOW.

"SHE DIDN'T TELL US.

"I THINK WE U.P.S., I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW."

WE GOING TO TALK ABOUTYOU NEW YORK WOMEN FOR A SECOND.

ROUGH AND RAW.

NEW YORK WOMEN DON'T CARE.THEY RAW.

L.A. WOMEN DIFFERENT.

I GOT SOFT.

L.A. WOMEN, YOU SAY,"I'LL CALL YOU IN A HOUR."

YOU CALL THEM TWO HOURS LATER--

"I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.WHERE YOU BEEN?"

DO THAT TO A NEW YORK WOMAN--

"WHERE THE ( bleep )YOU BEEN, YO!

"I WAS OUT HERE WAITING FOR YOU!

"I'M GOING TO MESS YOU UPWHEN I SEE YOU!

I'M GOING TO MESS YOU UP WHENI SEE YOU!"

WHAT WE NEED WITH WOMEN,WE NEED A MANUAL.

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.

EVERY LADY SHOULD COMEWITH A FOREPLAY MANUAL.

WOULDN'T THAT BE EASIER?

'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOWWHAT'S HAPPENING.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENINGWITH THE LADIES.

FOR EXAMPLE, LIKE SPANKING.

SPANKING...

SOME WOMEN LIKE TO GET SPANKED.

SOME WOMEN DON'T LIKETO GET SPANKED.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW THAT,DO WE, FELLAS?

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

WE TRY IT OUT.

WE SPANK AND LOOK.

WE START OFF SOFT AT FIRST.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH, MM-HMM.

GRADUALLY INCREASE IT.

MM-HMM.

WELL, SHOOT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW!

"THIS AIN'T ROOTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHEREYOU GET THAT AT."

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