Wednesday, October 8, 2014

  • 10/08/2014

Sara Schaefer, Cash Levy and T.J. Miller guess which tiny Airbnb rental is the most expensive, list #CircusFreaks2014 and learn about weirdly specific Pinterest boards.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: MLB PLAYOFFS AREHEATING UP, OUR OWN LOS ANGELES

DODGERS WERE ELIMINATED LASTNIGHT, AND OF COURSE --

OH.

YOU GUYS DON'T REALLY GIVE A(BLEEP).

ONE GUY REALLY DID GO, NOPE.

>> Chris: OF COURSE, GUYS, YOUPROBABLY ALREADY KNOW THIS BEING

THE SPORTS FANS YOU ARE, THISWAS THE CRUCIAL PLAY THAT DOOMED

THE DOYERS.

[ SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

>> Chris: WHAT THE HELL, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING OUT

THERE? COME ON.

MATTINGLY SHOULD HAVE GONE TOTHE GOSH DARN BULLPEN, EVERYONE

COULD SEE HE HAS TOO MUCH RAMEN.

THAT IS ACTUALLY FROM HYUN JINRYU, SCHILLING FOR KOREAN RAMEN

WITH A CRO-MAGNON CLAYTONKERSHAW LOOK ALIKE NEARBY.

MEANWHILE THE SAN FRANCISCOGIANTS ADVANCED, GIVING PITCHER

MADISON BUMGARNER A CASE OFPLAY-OFF FEVER THAT QUICKLY

WORSENED INTO PLAY-OFF CIRRHOSISOF THE LIVER.

>> GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.

>> Chris: COMEIDANS, WHATOCCASION WOULD YOU CELEBRATE

WITH FIVE BEERS AT ONCE, SARASCHAEFER?

>> GETTING TO WORK ON TIME.

>> Chris: YOU DID IT! 9:00O'CLOCK ON THE DOT!

WELL, VERY BAD NEWS FOR LAZYSERIAL KILLERS AND EMPTY-NESTERS

TRYING TO THE AVOID PAYING HOTELTAX, ACCORDING TO ENGADGET.COM.

SAN FRANCISCO HAS BECOME THEFIRST CITY TO PASS LAWS

GOVERNING AIRBNB RENTALS.

IN ADDITION TO PAYING TAXES,HOSTS HAVE TO LIMIT THEIR HOME

RENTALS TO 90 DAYS A YEAR, ANDREGISTER WITH THE CITY.

FORTUNATELY MANY RENTING OUTTHEIR WOOD SHED KILL ROOMS ARE

UNFAMILIAR WITH THE REGISTRATIONPROCESS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SANFRANCISCO AIRBNB THE RENTALS IS

THE MOST EXPENSIVE HERE.

A, THIS AL FRESCO GUEST TENT.

>> THAT'S A GREAT LOCATION.

>> Chris: B, THIS HIDING PLACEFOR A DEPOSED DICTATOR.

YOU PAY LESS WHEN YOU SLEEPSTANDING UP.

C, THIS GROOVY MYSTERY MACHINE,OH, YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

CASH.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY IT IS C,YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS CHOOSE C IN

MULTIPLE CHOICE.

IT HELPED ME GET THROUGH, ALMOSTGET THROUGH JUNIOR COLLEGE.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS, IN FACT, C

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: 50 BUCKS A NIGHT!

IT'D BE REALLY FUNNY IF THEREWAS JUST A CHECK IN DATE AND NO

CHECKOUT AVAILABLE.

OH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TOLEAVE!

COMEDIANS PLEASE GIVE US ANAMENITY OF THIS GROOVY MYSTERY

MACHINE LODGING. SARA SCHAEFER.

>> JUST TAKE HALF THE MINT ONTHE PILLOW AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS

FIRST AND THEN --

>> Chris: POINTS.

LET IT DISVOLVE UDNER YOURTONUGE.

ALL RIGHT, TJ.

>> DOES NOT FLY.

ALSO, YOU CAN SHARE THE BED WITHCHAD, BECAUSE HE IS STAYING

THERE UNTIL HE GETS HIS (BLEEP)TOGETHER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

TONIGHT WAS THE DEBUT OFAMERICAN HORROR STORY FREAK

SHOW.

NOW, MOST MILLENNIALS PROBABLYNEVER EXPERIENCE A TIME WHEN

ACTUAL FREAK SHOWS WEREPRIVILEGE LENT BECAUSE THEY

COULD FIND THE WEIRDEST STUFFIMAGINABLE UPON THE INTERNET.

THEY DON'T NEED ANYMORE.

FREAK SHOWS WERE BASICALLY LIKEA LIVING SUB REDDIT IN A TENT.

NOW WITH THAT IN MIND TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #CIRCUSFREAKS2014.

LET'S UPDATE THEM!

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, THE MAN WITHHALF A FACEBOOK.

OR THE INCREDIBLE BEARDED GAYMAN.

OR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE! OH!

>> I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECONDS-- ONE GUY MADE A SPOOKY NOISE.

IF YOU WERE A HUMAN CENTIPEDE,YOU WOULDN'T BE LIKE, WHOA!

>> IT WOULD BE LIKE, AHH!

>> Chris: I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, TJ.

>> A PERSON WHO DOESN'T TALKABOUT GLUTEN IN LOS ANGELES.

>> Chris: POINTS! YES.

THAT PERSON IS A FREAK. CASH.

>> A TODDLER WITH NO PEANUTALLERGIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> THE WOMAN WHO IS COMPLETELYFINE WITH HER PHYSICAL

APPEARANCE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

TEEJ.

>> MY GOSH DARN EX-WIFE OF 42YEARS, KAREN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> THE TWO-FACED GIRL, WHO SAIDSHE WAS YOUR BFF, BUT THEN YOU

FOUND OUT SHE TOLD LISA THAT YOUWERE CHUBBY.

>> Chris: POINTS. TEEJ.

>> DOG WITH A BLOG.

>> Chris: POINTS. SARA.

>> THE BEARDED CLAM.

THE WOMAN WHO REFUSES TOACTIVATE HER VAGINA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BUT RIGHT NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAYTAXIDERPY.

TAXIDERPY.

THIS IS A FUN FOLLOW.

THE TWITTER ACCOUNT@CRAPTAXIDERMY COMPILED SORT OF

TAXIDERMY WILL ONE DAY TURN THEANIMAL KINGDOM AGAINST US.

SO COEMDIANS, I WILL SHOW YOUCRAZY PANTS TAXIDERMY, AND FOR

250 POINTS WRITE A LISTING TOHELP SELL EACH ONE.

OKAY? FIRST UP, THIS MAJESTICOWL PHOTOGRAPH BY RENE DESMOND

WHO HAS A SERIES OF TAXIDERMYBIRDS WITH QUESTIONABLE

HAIRCUTS.

>> THAT IS TERRIFYING.

>> Chris: SARA.

>> OWLS THE BOUNTY HUNTER.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

CASH.

>> OWL-VIS HAS LEFT THEBUILDING.

>> Chris: OWL-VIS, NICE. POINTS.

T.J.

>> HOO, HOO, THE LIKE FLOCK OFSEAGULLS.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

POINTS.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS MAGICAL PERVERT, THISMAGICAL PERVERT.

TJ.

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUCROSS WIZARD OF OZ WITH A DILDO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

OH, THAT'S WHAT THE SCARECROWREALLY WANTED.

>> I THINK THE TEN MANKIND OF,TIN MAN WANTED THAT ALSO BUT --

[SQUEAKING NOISE]

>> Chris: HE JSUT WANTED A --WERE YOU OILING IT?

>> YEP.

YOU GOTTA OIL IT IN THE BACK.YOU GOTTA OIL IT IN THE BACK.

>> Chris: OH, BOY.

THE SCARECROW SURE (BLEEPED) THETINMAN REAL GOOD JUST NOW!

DON'T LOOK, TOTO! DON'T LOOK!

NEXT ONE, THIS ONE THIS SUPERSQUIRREL, THIS SUPER SQUIRREL.

>> SARA.

>> STILL BETTER CASTINGTHAN VAL KILMER AS BATMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

THIS DUTCH KID'S DECEASED PETRAT THAT SOME LOCAL TAXIDERMISTS

TURNED INTO WHAT CAN ONLY BEDESCRIBED AS A HELLISHCOPTER.

SARA.

>> NO NEED FOR A BASKET. THISRAT WILL FLY THE LOTION UP

TO YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TJ.

>> LOOK. IS IT A BIRD, A PLANE? A RAT? NO, IT IS THE REASON I

HAVE NEVER HAD SEX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TIME FOR OUR NEXT

GAME, LACK OF PINTEREST. LACK OFPINTEREST.

BEHOLD, PINTEREST AND ITS SEA OFHIGHLY SPECIFIC USER BOARDS WITH

THE STRANGEST MISCELLANY PINNEDTO THEM.

COMEDIANS WE ARE GOING TO GIVEYOU TWO UNLIKELY WORD

COMBINATIONS, AND FOR 250 POINTSYOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE

ACTUALLY AND IMPROBABLY HAS APINTEREST BOARD DEVOTED TO IT.

OKAY. FIRST ONE. FIRST ONE.

VANILLA MONGREL OR SENSUALCHOCOLATE.

TJ.

>> I HOPE IT IS VANILLA MONGREL.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY

SENSUAL CHOCOLATE.

>> YEAH, AND THEY HAVE A VANILLAMONGREL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

>> Chris: I GUESS I GOTTA GIVEYOU POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT.

SALTY PUPPET OR CLOWN NIGHTMARE.

TJ.

>> CLOWN MIGHTMARE.

>> Chris: I HOPE THAT IS TRUE.

LET'S FIND OUT.

CLOWN NIGHTMARE!>> WHAT. WHAT.

>> I LOVE HOW THE CLOWN ON THELEFT HAS GARDENING GLOVES ON.

HE'S JUST GOT A GREEN THUMB.

>> Chris: I AM GOING TO KILLTHOSE WEEDS.

LAST ONE.

MACHO FISH OR GAY HORSES.

SARA.

>> GAY HORSES.

>> Chris: I HOPE SO.

LET'S FIND OUT.

GAY HORSES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> WHAT! WHY?!

>> THE ONE ON THE LEFT -- HEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? CHRIS.

THIS IS AN OLD. JOKE, WHAT DOGAY HORSES EAT?

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> HORSE DICK.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> IT'S NOT HAY.

>> A LITTLE PSA. JUST REMEMBERWITH GAY HORSES, NAY MEANS NAY.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE NEXTGAME, PETER HARDWICK FACTS.

NOW -- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WANT TO EXPLAIN THIS GAME ALITTLE BIT.

TODAY I AM CELEBRATING 11 YEARSOF SOBRIETY, OCTOBER 8TH TODAY.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE 9TH --[CHEERS AND APPLUASE]

SO, YEAH, 11 YEARS AGO I QUITDRINKING AND I DON'T SAY THAT SO

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, HEY, PAT ON THEBACK SO YOU CAN JERK OFF MY EGO.

I AM SAYING THAT TO YOU BECAUSEIF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, IF YOU

ARE HAVING A PROBLEM, GETCOUNSELING IF YOU ARE ON THE

FENCE GET HELP, YOU CAN DO ITAND GODDAMNIT, YOU DESERVE

IT, YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE WORTH ITSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILLALSO HOST AN INTERNET SHOW WITH

DICK JOKES, WHO KNOWS.

BUT AS I'M SURE MANY PEOPLE INRECOVERY WILL TELL YOU, I

FEEL LIKE A COMPLETLY DIFFERENTPERSON.

AND THANKFULLY, I THINK I LOOKLIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON.

THIS IS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE IN2003.

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS, UM, THAT ISMY EX-GIRLFRIEND RIGHT THERE.

I REFER TO THIS VERSION OFMYSELF AS PETER HARDWICK.

HERE IS ANOTHER ONE.

HERE IS ANOTHER ONE.

OH, NO.

A TOTALLY DIFFERENT GUY.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN REACT THATWAY TO THE MURDER CLOWN

PICTURES.

I DON'T KNOW.

EVERYTHING WAS PRETTY HAZY BACKTHEN BUT I WANT YOU GUYS TO

REMIND ME BY GIVING ME FACTSABOUT THIS HARD-DRINKING PETER

HARDWICK FELLOW. OKAY?

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW AND GO.

T.J.

>> PETER HARDWICK,THE ONLYMAN MADE COMPLETELY OF CADBURY

EGGS.

>> Chris: I DO SEEM TO RECALLTHAT, POINTS.

SARA.

>> PETER HARDWICK, LOOKS LIKEALL THE MEMBERS OF WILSON

PHILLIPS COMBINED INTO ONEPERSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CASH.

>> PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA,1981 THROUGH 1993.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> ONCE MADE OUT WITH DANECORTIZE IN THE DUG OUT ON AN

EPISODE OF ROCK AND JOCK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TJ.

I MISS YOU DAN. TJ.

>> PETER HARDWICK WENT THROUGHEVERY SINGLE HAIRSTYLE FROM

ALL THE BOY BANDS ON THE 1980S

>> Chris: YES, HE DID.

ALL THE WAY.

SARA.

>> IF YOU HELD A MATCH UP NEXTTO HIS SKIN, PETER HARDWICK

WOULD ERUPT INTO FLAMES LIKE ABAKED ALASKA.

>> Chris: YES. THAT'S RIGHT.

POINTS.

HE WAS JUST LIKE FLASH PAPER.

POINTS. CASH.

>> HE WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.IMMEDIATELY RETURNED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]