CC Presents: Howard Kremer

  • Season 11, Ep 20
  • 04/05/2007

WHO-WHO-WHO!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I SAY, "VODKA," Y'ALL SAY, "DRINK!" VODKA!

- DRINK!- OOH.

- VODKA!- DRINK!

- OOH. THAT'S APPLE JUICE. - [LAUGHTER]

FIRST OFF, GIVE IT UP FOR MY DJ, SCRATCHATORY RAPE.

HE'S RIGHT BACK THERE BEHIND THE ONES AND TWOS.

- GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SONG IS CALLED,"COMEDY IS EASY,

CANCELING A PORNO WEBSITE MEMBERSHIP IS HARD."

LET'S DO IT! HERE WE GO! OH, GOOD CALL, SCRATCHATORY,

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE READY FOR THAT ONE. THEY'RE NOT READY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I RECENTLY BOUGHT A GOLDFISH. TURNS OUT IT WAS EPILEPTIC.

WEIRD THING IS, AS LONG AS ILEFT IT IN THE TANK IT WAS FINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE SECOND YOU TOOK IT OUT TO PLAY FETCH,

IT WOULD JUST SEIZER CITY,FLIPPIN' OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHOO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT OCD. ANYBODY ELSE, OCD? A FEW PEOPLE PUTTING UP HANDS.

SAME THING FOR ME. EVERYTHING HAS GOTTA BE EVEN.

LIKE, IF I SCRATCH THIS HAND, I GOTTA SCRATCH THIS HAND.

IF I TIE THAT SHOE, I GOTTA TIE THAT SHOE.

IF A CELEBRITY ADOPTS A BABY FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY,

I'VE GOTTA KIDNAP AN AMERICAN BABY,

FLY IT TO THAT COUNTRY AND DROP IT OFF IN NAMIBIA.

[LAUGHTER]

I SNEEZED EARLIER TODAY.HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.

TWO SECONDS. BIT-- A LOT OF BANG FOR YOUR BUCK.

SNEEZING. I THINK IF SNEEZING DIDN'T OCCUR IN NATURE,

THEY'D INVENT A DRUGTHAT'D MAKE YOU SNEEZE,

AND IT'D BE ILLEGAL 'CAUSE IT'S FUN.

GUY WHO'D TRY TO SELL IT TO YOU OUT ON THE STREET.

"HEY, CHECK IT OUT.""WHAT IS IT?" "SNEEZE."

"WHAT DOES IT DO?" "NOTHING AT FIRST.

"THEN YOUR HEAD TILTS BACK SLOWLY,

WHIPS FORWARD AT 500 MILES AN HOUR

AND ALL THIS [BLEEP] COMES FLYING OUT OF YOUR FACE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH! OH YEAH!

HERE, TAKE, LIKE, TWO OR THREE IN A ROW.

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT. COPS'LL BE ON TO YOU THOUGH.

COPS COME UP TO YOUR WINDOW."YOU GUYS BEEN SNEEZING TONIGHT?

"NO. WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THE WINDSHIELD?

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN SNEEZING."

I GET THOSE MISSING PEOPLE CARDS SENT TO MY HOUSE.

I LOOK AT THOSE THINGS. I TRY TO HELP THOSE PEOPLE.

I WANNA HELP THEM, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT I WANT TO HELP THEM.SO I'VE STARTED CREATING

MySpace PAGES FOR THOSE PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'M INTERESTED IN MEETING PEOPLE WHO CAN FIND ME!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, SO-- CHECK IT OUT,BIG E TUPAC ARE DEAD.

IT'S SAD. IT IS SAD, BECAUSE THEY HAD, YOU KNOW, YOUNG FANS.

BUT I ALSO FEEL BAD FOR THEIR YOUNG FANS.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE KIDAND THEN YOUR FAVORITE MUSICIAN

GETS KILLED. THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

WHEN I WAS A KIDI WAS INTO KISS.

ANYBODY ELSE INTO KISS? ALL RIGHT.

KISS NEVER GOT KILLED. NO ONE EVER CAME ON THE RADIO:

"THE ROCK GROUP, KISS, HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED.

"AT 3PM TODAY, A GROUP OF RIVAL JEWS DRESSED AS MONSTERS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"PULLED UP ALONG KISS'S TOUR BUS AND OPENED FIRE.

WE BID A FOND ADIEU TO THE GARGOYLE, THE LOVER, THE SPACEMAN AND THE CAT."

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO ONE MORE. THIS SONG IS ABOUT

THE CURATIVE POWERS OF MY WANG.

IT'S CALLED,"I HEAL WITH MY STEEL!"

LET'S DO IT. [MUSIC PLAYS]OH, SCRATCHATORY!

GIVE IT UP FOR "SCRATCHATORY RAPE!"

GIVE IT UP FOR HIM! THEY GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!

LET IT GO! ALL RIGHT!

LADIES, DRAGON BOY SUEDE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,

PHYSICALLY, SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

LET'S LISTEN TO CASE STUDY ONE. HERE WE GO.

I MET A HOMELESS CHICK HER NAME WAS DAISY

SHE STUMBLED AROUNDACTING ALL CRAZY

TALKING TO HERSELF MUTTERING OBSCENITIES

HER CRIB WAS A CARDBOARD BOXWITH NO AMENITIES

SHE LOOKED LIKESHE JUST CRAWLEDOUT THE SEWER

I WALKED OVERINTRODUCED MYSELF TO HER

SAID I GOES BY THE NAME OF DRAGON BOY SUEDE

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MAKEYOUR ACQUAINTANCE TO-DAY

WENT BACK TO HERCARDBOARD BOX

STRIPPED DOWN TO OUR SHOES AND SOCKS

LAID HER DOWN KISSED HER GENTLY

THEN I THREW HERTHE BANG OF THE CENTURY

ALL OF A SUDDENSHE FELT GREAT

SHE GOT HER MIND BACKSHE COULD THINK STRAIGHT

TODAY SHE'S THE PRESIDENT OF HER OWN COMPANY

SHE CREDITS THIS TO THE NIGHT SHE WAS HUMPING ME

I HEAL WITH MY STEEL

- [APPLAUSE] - ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, NEW YORK. I HEAL WITH MY STEEL.

WHEW!

I HEAL WITH MY STEEL

ALL RIGHT. JUST THE LADIES. JUST THE LADIES.

I HEAL WITH MY STEEL

OKAY, A COUPLE OF LADIES GOT SOME STEEL.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED.

ALL RIGHT, VERSE NUMBER TWO. IN THIS VERSE,

DRAGON BOY SUEDE GETS PRESENTED WITH A MORAL QUANDARY.

CHECK IT OUT.

I HEARD ABOUT A CHICK SHE WAS ABOUT TO DIE

I RACED TO THE HOSPITAL ROOMTO SAVE HER LIFE

BUT SHE HAD NOT YET REACHED THE LEGAL AGE

OF CONSENT SHE WAS STILL JAILBAIT

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD SAVE HER FROM HER FATE

WAS CONSIDERED BY THE STATETO BE SCRATCHATORY RAPE

WHAT A WASTE SUCH A SHAME

SHE PASSED AWAYBEFORE THE MORNING CAME

I JUST SAT THERE SO DEPRESSED, SO FRUSTRATED, SO STRESSED

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,MY MIND SNAPPED

I JUMPED ON THE BED,'CAUSE I HAD TO BRING HER BACK

RESURRECTION VIA ERECTION REANIMATED, REJUVENATED

THE GIFT OF LIFE IS WHAT SHE WAS GIVEN

WELCOME BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVIN'

I HEAL WITH MY STEEL, YEAH!

I HEAL WITH MY STEEL

LIKE A 24-HOUR EMERGENCY CLINIC, I HEAL WITH MY STEEL

NO INSURANCE NECESSARYI HEAL WITH MY STEEL

GIVE IT UP FOR SCRATCHATORY RAPE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC, TOO. ANYBODY? ANYBODY? COUNTRY?

TWO, THREE? NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE BOTH.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE BOTH, BUT I DO.

TO ME, I THINK THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR.

SOME RAP AND SOME COUNTRY IS JUST PEOPLE WITH NO SCHOOLING,

TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM THAT DAY.

- THAT'S ALL IT IS. - [LAUGHTER]

IN COUNTRY,IT'S LIKE, I WOKE UP,SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED,

I GOT DRUNK. YOU KNOW IT'S USUALLY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

RAP'S THE SAME THING. THEY JUST BRAG MORE.

I WOKE UP Y'ALL CAN'T WAKE UP LIKE ME

I WAKE UP LIKE TEN MOTHER-[BLEEP]

THAT'S [BLEEP] IN MY EYES IS DIAMONDS

I GET UP TO PEEIT'S LIQUID GOLD

[LAUGHTER]

LICK-WID-GOLD

I SHOULDN'T DRINK NOW, AFTER I SAID THAT.

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH?

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOMEONEWHO LIKES TO BACK TALK?

- YEAH.- YEAH?

ANYBODY HERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO WISE OFF?

DON'T WANNA ADMIT ITRIGHT NOW, DO YA?

WHO HERE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

- WHO LIKES TO GIVE YOU LIP? - [LAUGHTER]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M IN A RELATIONSHIPLIKE THAT, TOO.

BUT I CAME UP WITH A SOLUTION. DO YOU WANNA HERE IT?

Audience: YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SONG IS CALLED, "YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES."

- [WOLVES HOWLING] - OH, WHAT'S THAT?

OOOH, LET ME HERE SOME WOLVES,LET ME HERE SOME WOLVES.

STANDIN' ALONE BY EDGE OF THE WOODS

WHAT AM I DOIN' SOMETHING NOT GOOD

I'M PRACTICING A SKILLOF A UNIQUE KIND

HOW TO SUMMON WOLVES WIT' MY MIND

YA SASS TOO MUCH IT DRIVES ME NUTS

I'VE ASKED YOU TO STOPYOU WON'T LET UP

BUT WE'LL SEE IF YOU KEEP TALKING SMACK

WHEN YOU'RE TRAPPED IN THE WRATHOF A WOLF ATTACK

OUCH, ONE'S NIPPIN' AT YOUR ARM

OUCH, ONE'S NIPPIN' AT YOUR LEG

OUCH, ONE'S LUNGING AT YOUR SHOESTRINGS

CAUSIN' YOU TO RETHINK THE WAY YA DO THINGS

IN A WHILEYOU WILL LOSE THAT SMILE

WHEN THEY GET UPON YA JACK LONDON STYLE

THEN YOU'LL REGRET ALL THE CRAP YOU PULL

YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT

WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES

AND WHERE'S THE WOLVES?GIVE ME SOME WOLVES.

- [AUDIENCE HOWLING] - YEAH. OKAY.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE NOT SAFE, CHECK IT OUT.

IF YOU SASS IN MY APARTMENT

I'LL DIAL UP THE WOLVES DEPARTMENT

LIKE A PIZZA GUY THEY'LL ARRIVE IN THIRTY MIN'

WHEN THE PACK PULLS UP OUTSIDEI'LL BUZZ 'EM IN

IF YOU SASS AT THE WATER PARK

YOU'LL HERE THE BARKOF A WATER SHARK

BUT THE SHARK'S JUST A WOLF IN A SHARK DISGUISE

AND HE'S COMIN' FOR THAT ASS ON THE WATER SLIDE

THEN YOU'LL KNOW NOT TO DISRESPECT

THEN YOU'LL KNOW TO KEEP THAT LIP IN CHECK

THEN YOU'LL KNOW TO BE VERY CAREFUL

YOU WON'T SASS ME LIKE THAT WHEN I CAN SUMMON WOLVES

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, SOMEBODY--SOMEBODY GIVE ME A WOLF.

NEW YORK CITY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOLVES ARE, RIGHT?

- [AUDIENCE HOWLING] - AAH, OKAY.

LET'S DO A BREAKDOWN. EVERYBODY WITH ME-- WITH ME.

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES TO THE BACK

WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES TO THE BACK

WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

COME ON, WOLVES TO THE FRONT--

WOLVES TO THE FRONT WOLVES CIRCULATIN' WAITIN' TO ATTACK

WOLVES TO THE FRONT-- WOLVES TO THE BACK

WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT.I BEEN OUT THEREPRACTICING ALL THE TIME.

SO FAR, I'VE MANAGED TO SUMMONA RACCOON AND A SQUIRREL.

THE SQUIRREL MIGHT'VE BEEN A COINCIDENCE,

BUT THE RACCOONWAS A DEFINITE SUMMONS,

AND HE LOOKED MEAN, AND HE HAD FANGS AND STUFF. HE LOOKED PRETTY VICIOUS,

SO PRETTY SOON I'LL BE WORKING UP TO IT.

AND YA'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH A...

WOLVES.

- SCRATCHATORY RAPE, GIVE IT UP.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- THAT SONG IS FOR YOU GUYS. - [LAUGHTER]

- OH, GOOD SONG. YEAH. - [LAUGHTER]

"CAN'T JUSTBREAK UP WITH THE GIRL,YA GOTTA GET WOLVES??

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S MY OLDER BROTHER LEE. THAT'S HOW HE TALKS.

HE'S CRITICAL ABOUT SOME THINGS.

I TOLD HIM I WASGONNA BECOME A COMEDIAN.

HE WAS LIKE, "COMEDIAN, YAH RIGHT.

"YOU WEREN'T EVEN THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN OUR BEDROOM.

COMEDIAN, DOH."HE'S GOT A TEMPURPEDIC BED NOW.

"DOH, IT'S SO COMFORTABLE." THAT'S ALL HE TALKS ABOUT.

"IT'S A-- IT'S--IT'S LIKE LYING IN SNOW,BUT IT'S NOT COLD.

- [LAUGHTER] - "SO GOOD.

"IT'S-- IT'S LIKE LYING IN A CLOUD THAT'S HARD ENOUGH THAT YOU DON'T FALL THROUGH,

BUT SOFT ENOUGH TO STILL RETAIN THE PROPERTIES OF A CLOUD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A LOT OF THINGS GOIN' ON.I WROTE A BOOK RECENTLY,

IT'S FOR KIDS WHOSE PARENTS PUT THEM UP FOR ADOPTION.

IT'S CALLED, "THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

- ANYBODY EVER BEEN ARRESTED?- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

COOL, SO WHAT WAS IT FOR SIR, WHAT WAS IT FOR?

THINK OF SOMETHING QUICK.

- POSSESSION. - POSSESSION?

WHAT, POSSESSION OF THAT GOATEEIN 2006? COME ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVEN GOATS ARE SHAVING THOSE OFF.

EVEN GOATS ARE GETTIN' RID OF THEIR GOATEES.

MAKIN' FRIENDS IN NEW YORK, ALL RIGHT.

BEFORE I GOT INTO THE RAP GAME, I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF CASH.

SO, I HAD TO DO LIKE CREATIVE THINGS

TO KEEP THE LADIES INTERESTED. THIS SONG IS ABOUT THAT TOPIC,

IT'S CALLED, "BUY YOU CLOTHES, DO YOU IN 'EM, TAKE 'EM BACK."

OH YEAH,ALL RIGHT NEW YORK CITY,THIS ONE'S FUNKY.

COME ON, GET UP AND DANCE A LITTLE BIT.

ONE PERSON, MAKE BELIEVE YOU'RE AT A JAY-Z CONCERT, COME ON.

HERE WE GO. I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH IT. IT'LL BE OVER QUICK.

CHECK IT OUT. OOOH THERE'S ONE--

LISTEN UP GIRL,I GOT AN IDEA

THAT YOU GOTTA HEAR

COME HERE, LEND AN EAR

AS I EXPLAIN A WAY WE COULD SHOP ALL DAY

AND GET REAL FREAKY ARE YOU READY, OKAY?

WE GO TO THE MALL AND HIT THE STORES

BY YOU SHOES BY YOU CLOTHES

BAG 'EM UP AND TAKE 'EM HOME

AND HAVE OURSELVES A FASHION SHOW

I LAY YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU MOAN

CHANGE OUTFITS MAKE YOU FLOW

WHEN WE'RE DONE IT'S BACK TO THE STORE

TO GET BACK THE DOUGH

[FEMALE BACKUP SINGERS]

I'M GONNA BY YOU CLOTHES DO YOU IN 'EM TAKE 'EM BACK

FROM THE GUCCI, TO THE BARNEY'S,TO THE BEBE, TO THE GAP

I'M GONNA BY YOU CLOTHES DO YOU IN 'EM TAKE 'EM BACK

ANYTHING YOU WANT WE GONNA SHOP UNTIL YA DROP

AND WE WON'T STOP UNTIL YOU POP IN EVERY OUTFIT IN THE SHOP

BY JUST REMEMBER THAT IT'S GOIN' BABY

RIGHT BACK WHERE WE GOT IT

IF YOU'RE THINKIN' ABOUT KEEPIN' ANYTHING FORGET ABOUT IT

HERE WE GO.

GUCCI, FOR MUCCI PRADA, GOT YOU LOOKIN' LIKE A MODEL

GETTIN' BUSY IN A LOT OF STUFF

THAT WINDS UP COSTING NOT A PENNY

NO, NOT A NICKEL OR A DIME

AND ALTHOUGH IT'S KIND OF WRONG

TECHNICALLY IT'S NOT A CRIME

I WANNA DO YOU IN DIORI WANNA-- YOU IN VUITTAN

I WANNA-- YOU IN BURBERRY

I'M READY TO GET IT ONI WANNA-- YOU IN GABANNA

I WANNA-- YOU IN BIJOUI WANNA-- YOU IN VALENTIAND PLENTY OF BCBG, TOO

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE AND TWO OF THOSE WITH OPEN TOES

AND THREE OR FOUROF EVERY SKIRT AND SHIRTAND JACKET IN THE STORE

AND PICK OUTANYTHING YOU WANT, BABY

NO MATTER WHAT THE VALUE JUST BE CAREFUL LATER ON

THAT NOTHING RIPS WHILE I'LL PLOW YOU

DRAGON BOY SUEDE, FROM THE NORDSTROM TO THE--

EVERYBODY COME ON. LET ME HEAR IT. I'M GONNA--

FROM THE GUCCI TO THE BARNEY'S TO THE BEBE TO THE GAP

I'M GONNA BY YOU CLOTHES, DO YOU IN 'EM, TAKE 'EM BACK

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA HAVEA LOT OF SHOPPING BAGSFULL OF THIS AND THAT--

WE'RE GONNA BUY YOU CLOTHES, DO YOU IN 'EM, TAKE 'EM BACK

BRING IT BACK. WE'RE GONNA GO TO--

I'M GONNA BUY YOU CLOTHES, DO YOU IN 'EM, TAKE 'EM BACK

GIVE IT UP FOR SCRATCHATORY RAPE! BEAUTIFUL Y'ALL!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I RECENTLY VISITED SCHLITTERBAHN,

IT WAS VOTED THE NUMBER ONE WATER PARK IN THE UNITED STATES,

IT'S IN TEXAS. ANYBODY KNOW WHAT SCHLITTERBAHN MEANS?

"SLIPPERY ROAD," IT'S GERMAN, GERMAN STYLE WATER PARK.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, STICK THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

I THINK I'M GONNA OPEN SOME MORE BUSINESSES

THAT HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING GERMAN.

GERMAN TOPLESS BAR, BOOTY PLATZ.

♪ HOT TIME, FUN TIME ANYTIME, BOOTY PLATZ ♪

♪ WHEN THE GIRLS YA SEE AT SCHLITTERBAHN ♪

♪ TURN 18, BOOTY PLATZ

[LAUGHTER]

♪ I'LL SHOW YA MY BOOBIES FOR A DEUTCH MARK ♪

♪ BOOTY PLATZ

[LAUGHTER]

THIS SONG IS CALLED, "FIRE TRUCK SIRENS ARE WAY MORE ANNOYING

THAN HEARING THAT A STRANGER'S HOUSE

BURNT TO THE [BLEEP] GROUND."

- LET'S DO IT! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A SONG.

THIS SONG IS CALLED, "HOW COME NO CHINESE PEOPLE WORK AT P.F. CHANG'S?"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU.

BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA,

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES 'EM SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO. YOU GET A HOT SLICE OF PIZZA,

YOU PUT IT IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR,

YOU WAIT LIKE 5, 10 MINUTES, HIDE BEHIND A TREE,

AND THAT HUNGRY LITTLE GUY WILL COME WADDLIN' BY.

AS SOON AS THEY START EATING, THEY BECOME QUITE DOCILE,

YOU CAN PET THEM, STROKE THEM,DO WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO.

JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY GET DOWN TO THE CRUST.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BECOME DANGEROUS AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SLAM IT SHUT, CONGRATULATIONS NEW YORK CITY,

YOU GOT YOURSELFA LITTLE PERSON.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY SISTER GOT MARRIED RECENTLY. YEAH. IT WAS GREAT.

BUT THE ENTIRE BRIDAL PARTY WAS DRESSED IN BROWN.

IT LOOKED MORE LIKEA SHIFT MEETING AT UPS.

DO YOU PROMISE TO GET THIS PACKAGE THERE OVERNIGHT?

- "I DO." - [LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS KNOW WHO MATISYAHU IS?

HASIDIC RAPPER, IT'S A HASIDIC JEW THAT RAPS.

NOW SEE, WHEN BROKEBACK MOUNTAI CAME OUT

EVERYBODY SAID THAT RUINED EVERYTHING FOR THE COWBOY, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU SEE A COWBOY YOU GO, "OKAY, HE'S GAY."

SO THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.WHAT'S EVEN WORSE

IS WHAT MATISYAHUHAS DONE FOR THESE HASIDIC JEWS.

NOW EVERYBODY THINKS THEY CAN RAP.

[LAUGHTER]

HOMIES ARE WALKIN' UP TO 'EM ON THE STREET, "LET'S BATTLE."

[LAUGHTER]

[THICK ACCENT] "I AM JUST TRYINGTO TAKE MY FAMILY TO SYNAGOGUE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"LET'S BATTLE MOTHER-[BLEEP]!"

"THE TALMUD FORBIDS ME FROM BATTLING-AH."

THAT'S ALL MY TIME YA'LL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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