Attack of Mark's Clone

  • Season 2, Ep 208
  • 08/04/2011

Callie makes an evil Mark clone to compete in the DOI bowling league tournament.

WOW, YOU'RE GREAT BOWLER

AND YOU KNOWHOW TO HANDLE A WHIP?

DO YOU KNOW THAT MARK NEVER EVENOFFERED TO TORTURE ME?

NOT ONCE.

- HAH! HAH!- OUCH.

AHH, IT HURTS.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

I THOUGHT THAT'SHOW YOU LIKE IT.

- IT IS.

IT'S JUST THAT TAD'SAN ASS[bleep].

I WISH HE WAS DEAD.

DEMOTING ME TO DATA ENTRY.

DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING THAT IS?

FIRST, YOU HAVE TO COMB THROUGHT.P.S. REPORTS

AND FIND NUMERICAL VALUESHIGHER THAN FOUR BUT LESS THAN--

- OH, OH, OH.

HAH! HAH!

LESS TALKING,MORE EFFING.

- INTERESTING.

MARK'S NO SWEARING RULEIS LITERALLY IN HIS DNA.

- [giggling and moaning]- CALLIE, IS THAT YOU?

IT'S NOT ME OUT THERE.

IT'S NOT ME.

ARE YOU THERE?

- OH, YEAH.

- YOU'RE BEING DECEIVEDBY A CLONE.

HE'S BLOND.

YOU KNOW I'D NEVER GO BLOND,RIGHT?

- OH, YES, MARK!

YES, MARK!

- OH, HOT POTATO.

- MAYBE TEACHER RUNS FEVER.

- MAYBE THE ELEVATOR'S STUCK.

- ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN,DOO-DOO BIRDS.

I'M NOT IN THE MOODFOR YOUR CRAP.

- TEACHER'S HAIRLOOK LIKE BARBIE DOLL.

- ANY QUESTIONS?

- NOT WHILE YOU STILL HAVETHAT GLOVE.

- [whimpers]

- STARTING TODAY, I WANTALL OF YOU TO THINK OF THIS

LESS AS GROUP THERAPYAND MORE AS A FIGHT CLUB.

YOU CAN'T BOWLIF YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE.

YOU TWO, YOU'RE UP,

AND DON'T STOPUNTIL ONE OF YOU TAPS OUT.

NOW!ON YOUR FEET.

LET'S GO.

- I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.

- I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN THIS.

- UHH...AHH!

- IT IS GOOD TO BETHE KING...PIN.

GET IT?IT'S A BOWLING PUN.

- HMM,HE PUNS LIKE LILLY,

BUT SOMETHING'SDEFINITELY DIFFERENT ABOUT HIM.

HIS PUSSY FACTORSEEMS TO HAVE DECREASED

BY AT LEAST 30%.

EVERYONE, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

MY NEWASSISTANT-IN-TRAINING, TAD.

TAD WILL BE DOING MY DIRTY WORK

SO I CAN KEEP MY DISTANCEAND STILL SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY.

- THANK YOU.

OUR DATA SHOWS THATA CERTAIN FIRE-CROTCH HALFY

WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS--

[coughs]CALLIE--

EXCUSE ME.

CALLIE HAS BEEN SABOTAGINGTWAYNE'S AUTHORITY.

WELL, CHILDREN,THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.

AS OF RIGHT NOW, CALLIEIS DEMOTED TO SUB-BASEMENT 37:

USELESS DATA ENTRY.

- THAT'S BULLCRAP!

DATA ENTRY IS FOR INTERNSAND THE HANDICAPPED.

TWAYNE.

- UM--- SHH.

- UGH.

- BYE, CALLIE.

NO HARD FEELINGS, 'KAY?

- DON'T APOLOGIZE TO HER.

SHE'S DEAD NOW.

I'M YOUR NEW YES-MAN.

- HA-HA.YOU'RE THE MAN, TAD.

I MEAN, YES-MAN.

OKAY, THAT WAS ME.I DESERVED THAT.

- I WANT YOU TO WRITESOMETHING DOWN:

NEVER KISS THE ASSOF AN ASS-KISSER.

NOW,WHERE'S MARK LILLY?

- I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?

- YOUR DEPARTMENT IS A FARCE.

I'M SLASHINGYOUR OPERATING BUDGET BY 80%.

- JUST FIRE HIM.

HE'S OF NO USETO THE DEPARTMENT.

I...REALLY SORRY.

STABBING YOU IN THE THROATIS THE KEY TO MY SURVIVAL,

AND FOR THE RECORD,HATE THE HAIR.

- LISTEN TO ME, WIZARD MAN,YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS.

ONE, I STAB THIS SHARDSO DEEP IN YOUR NECK

THAT NO AMOUNT OF MAGICWILL SAVE YOU,

OR TWO, YOU HIGHTAIL YOUR ASSOUT OF THIS BUILDING

AND NEVER COME BACK.

- NUMBER TWO.NUMBER TWO.

I'LL BE FREE OF THIS USELESS JOBONCE AND FOR ALL.

I'LL FINALLY MAKE GOODON MY LIFELONG DREAM.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU GUYSMY DREAM TO BE A--

[together]MATADOR.

- OH,SO I'VE TOLD YOU.

[shimmering tone]

- TOUGH.

I LIKE A MANWHO CAN TAKE CHARGE.

MAYBE WE COULD FINDA NEW POSITION FOR YOU HERE,

OR AT LEAST A USEFOR THAT MOUTH OF YOURS.

- [inhales]

I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.

NO CALLS.

[exhales]

- [coughs]

- BLONDS DO HAVE MORE FUN.

THE MURDER WEAPON, BOSS.

IT'S GOT FINGERPRINTSALL OVER IT.

- LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A MURDERINVESTIGATION ON OUR HANDS.

- SHOULD I CANCELOUR BOWLING PRACTICE TONIGHT?

- HELL, NO!THE TOURNAMENT'S THIS FRIDAY.

KEEP YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

- SO SAD ABOUT COUSIN TAD.

YOU KNOW,HE MADE A GREAT APPLE TART.

YOUR AUNT SALLY LOVED IT.

HEY,WHY IS NO ONE HERE?

YOU SENT INVITATIONS OUT,RIGHT, TWAYNE?

- OH, GOD, THE INVITATIONS.

THAT'S TAD'S JOB.I'LL CALL HIM.

- TAD'S DEAD, TWAYNE.

JESUS, THANK SATANYOU STILL HAVE CALLIE AROUND.

- OH, THANK YOU, DADDY.

I'D LOVE TO HAVEMY OLD JOB BACK.

NOW MARK AND I HAVE LOTSOF FILTHY SEX ACTS TO PERFORM,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND...

- ACTUALLY, I DO.

ARREST HER, BOYS.

- ON WHAT CHARGE?

- THE MURDEROF TAD MONKEYBOTTOM.

- WHAT?I DIDN'T KILL HIM.

- GOT THE MURDER WEAPONRIGHT HERE.

YOUR PRINTS AREALL OVER IT, RED.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

BESIDES,I HAVE LOTS OF WEAPONS.

IT HAPPENS TO BE A HOBBYOF MINE.

- THAT'S NOT ALL WE'VE GOT.

- OH, WAIT, THAT IS A TRIDENT.

AHH!

- [gasps]

- YOU ASS-DIALED MEDURING THE MURDER.

IT'S OVER, CALLIE.I'M SORRY.

I ALWAYS THOUGHTIT'D BE ME YOU MURDERED

IN SOME ILL-ADVISEDSEXUAL ENCOUNTER,

MAYBE AFTER HOURSAT THE HOLIDAY PARTY,

WHERE WE BOTH HADA FEW TOO MANY EGGNOGS,

AND THEN I KIND OF SAY,"HEY, YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT,"

AND YOU LOOK AT ME AND SAY,"LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE."

AM I STILL TALKING?

- BUT I LOST MY PHONE.

I'M BEING FRAMED.

OOH.

- I WON'T BE PUT IN THE HUDSONTHAT EASILY.

NEXT TIME, LOCK YOUR DIARY,YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING HUSSY.

TRY TO IMPLICATE MEAND THE REAL MARK LILLY?

NICE.

- THE HUDSON.

OH, NO, NO, NO, YOU IDIOT.

YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG.

I WASN'T GOING TO KILL YOU.

- TELL IT TO YOUR NEW LESBIANPLAYMATES IN GIRL RIKERS.

THERE, YOU'LL BE IN THE STAR INYOUR OWN WOMAN'S PRISON MOVIE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO SELL YOUR BODYFOR PROTECTION

FROM THE GANGS AND THE GUARDS.

THEN ONE NIGHT,YOUR CELL MATE, DEANDRA,

WILL CLIMB INTO YOUR BUNK.

JESUS CHRIST,AGAIN WITH THE TALKING.

HEY EVERYBODY,

IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

I'M SURE EVERYONEIS A LITTLE CONFUSED

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOUR CLONE KIDNAPPED YOUAND TOOK YOUR PLACE.

- PRETTY CLEAR,ACTUALLY.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,I AM VERY SORRY

IF HE DID OR SAIDANYTHING ON MY BEHALF

THAT I MIGHT BE ASHAMED OF.

- HE ONLY MADE USFIGHT EACH OTHER UNTIL WE BLED,

BUT GOOD FOR YOU THAT YOU GOTTWO PAID DAYS OFF, DICK.

- YEAH, YOU GUYSARE IN NO SHAPE TO BOWL.

CALLIE'S GONNA BE PISSED.

SHE LOVES THAT TOURNAMENT,

EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS BLOWOUR CHANCES AT WINNING.

ANYWAY, AS WE ALL KNOW,CLONES WERE PRIMARILY CREATED

FOR HARBORING BODY PARTSFOR THEIR HOSTS,

BUT OVER TIME, THEY'VE ALSOBECOME COMMONLY USED

AS CAR POOL LANE COMPANIONS,STATUS SYMBOLS,

AS WELL AS MARITAL AIDS.

OOPS, DON'T KNOW HOWTHAT ONE GOT IN THERE.

JUST "CLONING" AROUND.

HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

- AHEM.

- GET IT?CLONING...INSTEAD OF CLOWNING.

NOTHING, REALLY?

[cell phone rings]

- EXCUSE ME,I NEED TO TAKE THIS REAL QUICK.

LEONARD.

- MARK, MY MAN,JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU AGAIN.

THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME.

- THANK ME FOR WHAT?

- FOR MAKING ME PURSUEMY MATADOR DREAM.

I FINALLY FOUND MY TRUE CALLING.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

UM...ONLY THING ISTHAT THAT WASN'T ME.

I WAS ACTUALLY KIDNAPPEDAND REPLACED BY MY CLONE

THE PAST TWO DAYS.

- WHAT?A STUPID CLONE MADE ME DO THIS?

I CAN'T BE A MATADOR.I'M 700 YEARS OLD.

OH, GOD.WHAT AM I DOING?

AHH!

MARK,I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- I'M SURE HE'S FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

- IT'S A VEIL, MARK.

I'M IN MOURNING FORMY BELOVED DEAD ASSISTANT TAD.

- I THINK THOSE ARE...ARE ONLY FOR WOMEN.

- WHY DO THEY GETALL THE GOOD STUFF?

THERE'S A LOT I'LL NEEDTO LEARN ON MY OWN

WITH TAD AND CALLIE GONE.

- AND WHERE'S CALLIE NOW?

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