Sue Murphy & Mark Cohen

  • Season 1, Ep 0153
  • 02/24/1992

AND OF COURSE, IT WAS A COVER

AND I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT

BECAUSE HELEN GURLEY BROWNCALLED ME PERSONALLY

AND JUST WANTED TO KNOWMY WHOLE FASHION SENSE

AND WE TALKED A LOT ABOUT IT.

AND, UM... JUST DID SOMETHINGREALLY SIMPLE WITH THE HAIR.

( laughter )

AND OF COURSE, YOU KNOW, NOTHINGTOO EXTREME WITH THE NECKLINE

BECAUSE WE'VE SEEN SO MUCHOF THAT ON THE COVER OF COSMO

SO MANY TIMES, THAT I JUSTWANTED TO DO SOMETHING SIMPLE

AND THEN I HELPED HERDESIGN A NEW SEX TEST

BECAUSE THEY WEREKIND OF RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.

( laughter )

SO WE KIND OF COMBINEDEVERYTHING

KIND OF A STRAIGHT, GAY,SWINGING LIFESTYLE THING

SO IF YOU CAN ANSWERIT ALL CORRECTLY

YOU'RE COMPLETELY AMBIGUOUS

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHATYOUR SEXUALITY IS, WHICH IS...

( laughter )

NOT UNLIKE ME-- WHOA!

( laughter )

( applause )

BUT IT WAS FUN.

WE JUST SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER.

HELEN SEEMS TO BE SHRINKING,I DON'T KNOW.

SHE ACCEPTS EVERYTHING, ANDTHAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HER.

SHE'S VERY UNJUDGMENTAL

AND I THINK THAT'SVERY IMPORTANT IN THE '90s

JUST TO LET PEOPLE BEWHATEVER THEY NEED TO BE.

DON'T YOU AGREE?

DON'T ANSWER,AND PLEASE DON'T APPLAUD

BECAUSE I'M LEADING YOU ON

AND I DON'T REALLY CAREWHAT YOU THINK.

I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.

OCCASIONALLY I DO LIKESOME AUDIENCE SUPPORT

BUT THE MINUTE I GET ITI REJECT IT, SO WHY BOTHER?

I DON'T WANT TO WEAR YOU OUTAND PUT YOU ON THE SPOT.

THERE'S NO REASON TO.

HA!

( laughter )

I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I LOVE JUST-- YOU'RE HANGINGYOUR HAT, AND IT'S HOME.

SHE'S GOT A BURLAP HATJUST THROWN OVER THE CHAIR

AND SHE'S STAYING THERE, AND--

YOU BROUGHT INA CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE.

IS THAT YOUR DINNER?

( laughter )

FOR NOW.

YOU GUYS HOOKED UP.

IS THIS A BIG DATEFOR YOU, TONIGHT?

NO, WHO CARES?

I'M NOT INTERESTED,NEVER MIND.

I COULD CARE LESS.

IT WILL BE THE LAST TIMEYOU EVER GO OUT

AFTER THIS NIGHT IS OVER.

NO, SERIOUSLY, THIS ISA GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

( whoops )

( whoops louder )

I GUESS THAT'S NOT REALLYA GIRL NOISE.

I DON'T THINK WE WOMEN USEOUR PUBLIC NOISES ENOUGH.

( wild whooping )

JUST LEANING OUT CAR WINDOWS--

( whoops )

( applause )

WE JUST DON'T DO IT ENOUGH.

"HEY, NICE DRESS."

( whoops )

( laughter )

GREAT SHOES.

( barking )

"GOT THEM ON SALE."

"YES, YES!"

( laughter )

HERE'S MY FAVORITE GUY NOISE

THAT I REALLY WOULDLIKE TO TAKE OVER.

I WAS AT THIS MALL, THE BEVERLYCENTER, SATAN'S MALL

AND THIS GIRL WAS GOING BY

DOING THE GIRL THINGRATHER WELL.

SHE HAD A MINISKIRT, PUMPS,AND WAS SKITTLING ALONG.

I GO, "RIGHT ON, GO FOR IT,I CAN'T DO IT."

THESE GUYS WERE LOOKING AT HER,AND THEY JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT--

JUST LOOKING AT HER LIKE--"OH, OH, OOH!"

"OH, OOH!"

"O-O-O-O-OOH!"

I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, GET OUTOF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN.

WATCH MTV-- RELIEVETHE TESTOSTERONE PRESSURE."

( laughter )

YOU PROBABLY SENSEDMY FEMININITY RIGHT OFF THE BAT

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I MADE A CASSEROLE LAST WEEK.

( mild laughter )

THANK YOU.

( whooping )

THE TROUBLE IS, WHEN I WANTEDTO TAKE IT OUT OF THE OVEN

I REALIZED I DON'TEVEN OWN ANY OVEN MITTS.

BUT LUCKILY,SINCE I'M A SPORTS FAN

I HAD SOME "NUMBER ONE"FOAM HANDS

WHICH MAKES YOURCASSEROLE PRESENTATION

OH, SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

"ANYONE HUNGRY?

WE'RE NUMBER ONE."

( laughter )

"TUNA AND NOODLES-- GO DODGERS."

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO COOK.

EATING IS SO FUN.

THANKSGIVING IS MY FAVORITEHOLIDAY, BECAUSE OF THE FOOD

AND ALSO BECAUSE,WELL, IT'S THE ONLY MEAL

THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT,AT THE TABLE

AS SOON AS YOU'RE DONE,JUST TO GO--

"OH, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

"OH, YEAH.

"SURE, I'LL HAVE MORE PIE.

"WHY NOT?

"I'M GOING TO FALL ASLEEPWITH MY MOUTH OPEN.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUSTJAM IT IN MY HEAD

"BECAUSE I'M NOT ENOUGHOF A BLOATED TOAD.

MY PANTS AREN'T TIGHT ENOUGH."

IT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAYMY MOM DOESN'T GO

"SUE, GET OFF THE FLOOR."

SHE GOES,"OH, THAT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

"I'M COMING DOWN THERE WITH YOU.

LET'S LOOK UPYOUR AUNT DOT'S DRESS."

( laughter )

WHAT A GREAT HOLIDAY!

WE GATHER THE PEOPLEWE LOVE AROUND US

AND HOW DO WE CELEBRATEIN THIS COUNTRY?

WE JAM BREAD CRUMBSUP A TURKEY'S BUTT.

RIGHT ON!

GIVE ME A DEAD BIRDAND A LOAF OF BREAD

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"THANK YOU."

( laughter )

IT'S SUMMERTIME, HOT WEATHER.

FOR ONE REASON,IT'S HARD TO MAINTAIN

THE HIGH VERTICAL CLEARANCEON THE POOFY DO IN HOT WEATHER.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ONE

OF THOSE BITCHIN' BANG BABEERECTO-DO THINGS

WHERE THEY HAVE BIG HAIRFROM THE FRONT

AND FROM THEY SIDE THEY HAVE

THAT KLINGON WARHEADHEAD-BUTTING WEAPON.

THEY COULD HEAD-BUTT YOUAND DISEMBOWEL YOU

IN ONE SWIFT MOTION.

"OH, AQUA NET-- AH!"

"I AM SHIRA, QUEEN OF AQUA NET.

NOTHING CAN PENETRATEMY AQUA NET SHIELD."

( laughter )

ALSO, IN HOT WEATHER--WHEN IT'S HOT

INEVITABLY, ON THE HOTTEST DAYOF THE YEAR

I WILL BE SOMEWHERELIKE THE D.M.V.

IN A LONG LINE,NEXT TO B.O. MAN.

( laughter )

THE MAN WITH THE MOST B.O.IN ALL THE LAND-- B.O. MAN

AND OF COURSE,HE'S WEARING A TANK TOP

BECAUSE HE'S B.O. MAN.

OH, SURE IT HAD SLEEVES ONCE,BUT THEY JUST FELL RIGHT OFF.

( laughing and cheering )

THIS IS SO CONVENIENT

IN CASE HE WANTS TO GOA LITTLE FASTER IN LINE.

"OUT OF MY WAY, I AM B.O. MAN."

( screaming )

I KNOW IF I LOOK TOWARD HIM

MY MASCARA WILL MELTAND SEAL MY EYES SHUT.

IS THAT B.O. MAN?

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WITH B.O.FROM ANOTHER PLANET

THAT BIZARRE B.O.?

THEY STAND NEXT TO YOUAND YOUR MUCOUS MEMBRANES TRY

TO FOLD IN ON THEMSELVES.

( laughter )

DOES B.O. MAN NOT KNOWHE'S B.O. MAN?

I'M JUST WONDERING--IS HE WANDERING AROUND ALL DAY

GOING, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?THAT IS..."

( laughter )

"THAT IS BAD.

DO YOU SMELL THAT?"

( laughter )

"WHAT IS THAT?

( laughter )

"WHEW, THAT'S...

"JEEZ, IT'S OVER HERE, TOO.

"THAT'S WEIRD.

"I CAN'T SEEMTO GET AWAY FROM THAT.

"HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

"HEY, IT GETS WORSE.

"I THINK I FOUND IT.

I WONDER WHAT IT IS."

I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE,B.O. MAN.

ALSO, HOT WEATHER MEANS--

THAT ANNUAL ACT OF HUMILIATION,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GUYS, DO YOU BUY BATHING SUITSEVERY YEAR?

NO, OF COURSE NOT, YOU'RE GUYS.

YOU CUT OFF SOME SLACKS,CALL IT SUMMER-- BOOM, SIMPLE.

ME, EVERY YEAR, I'M STANDINGIN THAT DRESSING ROOM

UNDER THOSE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS,ALL WHITE, LOOKING AT MYSELF

WEARING BLACK SOCKS.

OR YOU'VE BEENWEARING PANTYHOSE--

YOU HAVE THAT NICE LITTLEINDENT "T" RIGHT HERE.

UM, UM, FOXY MAMA!

I CAN HARDLY WAITTO WEAR THIS IN PUBLIC.

"O-OH, OOH!"

( cheering )

THE WORST PART--YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE

THAT OVERATTENTIVE SALESGIRLAT THE DOOR.

"HOW'S EVERYTHING GOINGIN THERE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME OUTAND SHOW US?"

"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR,I'VE GOT A GUN."

"DO YOU NEED A LARGER SIZE?"

"DIE IN YOUR SLEEP."

THEY MUST HAVE CAMERASIN THE DRESSING ROOM

BECAUSE HOW ELSE DO THEY KNOW

WHEN THE PERFECT MOMENT ISTO COME GET YOU?

THEY'RE LOOKING AT A MONITOR,GOING, "LOOK WHAT SHE'S GOT ON."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT."

"GO GET HER."

"OKAY, SHH!"

"GET HER."

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP."

"WHY DON'T YOU COME OUTAND SHOW US?"

"SHUT UP!"

"NO, THAT LOOKSREALLY GOOD ON YOU."

I'M STANDING THERE,"I LOOK REALLY GOOD?

YOU THINK I LOOK GOOD?WHERE'S THE MIRROR?"

"OH, IT'S ALL THE WAYACROSS THE STORE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO THERE?"

"OKAY, EVERYBODY'SLOOKING AT ME.

I MUST LOOK PRETTY HOT."

( laughter )

I SAID, "MOM, GO FOR IT."

( laughter )

I LOVE KIDS, THOUGH.

I HAVE A NIECE AND NEPHEW.

THEY'RE THE BEST,THEY ARE SO COOL.

MY NIECE IS INTO BARBIE DOLLS.

SHE HAS BILLIONS OF BARBIES.

THE ENTIRE BARBIE ARMY,AS A MATTER OF FACT.

SHE HAS ABOUT 25 BARBIES,BUT GUESS HOW MANY KENS.

ONE.

TO SERVICE ALL THE BARBIES.

"I HAVE NO PENIS, AND YET I'LLKEEP ALL THE BARBIES SATISFIED.

I AM KEN-MAN."

THERE'S ALL THESE BARBIES,AND THEY HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES

LIKE HOLIDAY BARBIE,BIRTHDAY BARBIE

BATHTUB BARBIE--COMES WITH A LITTLE SOAP

AND A LITTLE TOASTER,IF SHE UPSETS YOU IN SOME WAY.

( laughter )

MY FAVORITE IS MALIBU BARBIE

BECAUSE SHE WAS THE FIRST ONEWITH THE BENDABLE LEGS-- YES!

IT WAS SO COOL,BECAUSE HER LEGS WENT...

LIKE THIS.

BUT THE BEST PART IS THEY ALSOWENT TO OTHER WAY, LIKE THIS

SO YOU JUST JAM HER REARIN THE BARBIE-MOBILE

AND SHE'D DRIVE AROUNDWITH HER FEET BY HER HEAD.

"HEY, KEN, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO."

"OH-OH-OOH!"

"OH-OOH!"

( cheering and applause )

( laughter )

IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.

I'M FROM NEW YORK.

I WAS ON THE BEACH TODAY--THANK YOU.

I'M IN TOWN--I'M RELAXING ON THE BEACH.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, ALL THESE WOMEN

THEY START GATHERING AROUND ME.

THEY GOT THESE BIG SIGNS,GOING, "FUR IS MURDER."

I SAID, "LADY, THAT'S MY BACK."

( laughter )

"NOW, GET OFF OF IT."

SHEKET VIVAH KESHAH!

People:HRY!

JEWS-- GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

( laughter )

( applause )

FINDING MY PEOPLE.

THAT'S MY LITTLE JEW DETECTOR,AND THEY SET IT OFF.

I'M JEWISH, BUT I DON'T REALLYFOLLOW THE RELIGION.

LAST TIME I WASIN TEMPLE, I WAS 13.

I MADE MY TWO GRAND,I GOT OUT OF THE BUSINESS.

MY MOTHER TRIES TO FIGURE OUTIF PEOPLE ARE JEWISH

BY THEIR LAST NAME, TOO.

SHE CALLS ME UP,"MARK, THE LAST NAME PAUL.

THAT COULD BE A JEWISH NAME."

I'M LIKE, "MOM, IT'S POPE JOHN.

I DON'T THINK THE GUY'SA JEW, ALL RIGHT?"

WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORKABOUT A WEEK AGO--

THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

I PICKED UP A PAY PHONE,AND PUT IT UP TO MY EAR

AND THERE'S LIKE JELLY ON IT.

WELL, THAT'S WHATIT TASTED LIKE.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS.

( laughter )

SO I'M SHOPPING TODAY IN L.A.,AND I WENT TO THIS BOOKSTORE

AND I SAW THIS BOOK HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WOMAN.

NOT YOUR WOMAN, SIR,JUST WOMEN IN GENERAL.

I SAW THIS BOOK HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WOMAN

AND NEXT TO IT, ANOTHER BOOK, HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR MAN.

SAME AUTHOR.

WHEN DOES THIS GUY SLEEP?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

I'M A BIG BARGAIN HUNTER.

I BROUGHT MY CATS INTO GET THEIR NAILS CLIPPED

BUT I CAN'T TURN DOWN A BARGAIN.

FOR ONLY TEN BUCKS MOREI HAD THEM PUT TO SLEEP.

( laughing and groaning )

I'M KIDDING!

I WOULDN'T PUT MY CATS TO SLEEP.

WHO WOULD I SLEEP WITH?

SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, RELAX.

( applause )

IS IT HOT IN HERE,OR SHOULD I TAKE MY SWEATER OFF?

I'M TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING.

I JOINED ONEOF THESE QUIT-SMOKING CLINICS--

WHICH IS VERY TOUGH TO SAY--

I JOINED ONE OF THESEQUIT-SMOKING CLINICS

BUT I THINK IT'S GOINGTO BE TOUGH TO QUIT

BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTOR'S NAMEIS JUSTIN HALE.

( laughter )

EVERY TIME, I'M LIKE, "OH, NO."

I WENT LOOKING FOR CONDOMS--

SEE THE WAY I INTERWIND

THE CIGARETTES ANDTHE CONDOM JOKES TOGETHER?

I WENT TO BUY SOME CONDOMS TODAY

AND I SAID, "EXCUSE ME,I NEED SOME CONDOMS."

THE PHARMACIST SAID,"JUST A MINUTE."

AND I SAID,"OH, THAT'S MY BRAND."

( applause )

( cheering )

( laughing )

THIS IS JACKIE MASON

AS ANDREW DICE CLAY.

"SO I GOT MY TONGUEUP HER BUTT..."

( scattered laughter )

THIS IS DIZZY GILLESPIEABOUT TO GET SICK AT A PARTY.

DIZZY GILLESPIE ABOUTTO GET SICK AT A PARTY.

( mild laughter )

ROBERT DE NIROAS A LITTLE JEWISH BOY.

"DID YOU CUT MY PEEPEE?"

( laughter )

THIS IS...

I GOT A LOT OF THESE.

THIS IS BING CROSBY-- YOUREMEMBER THE SINGER MEATLOAF?

THIS IS BING CROSBY SINGING

MEATLOAF'S "PARADISEBY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT."

♪ OH, BOY

♪ AIN'T NO DOUBT ABOUT IT

♪ I WAS DOUBLY BLESSED

♪ I WAS...

♪ I WAS BARELY 17,I WAS BARELY DRESSED. ♪

OKAY, NOW...

( laughter )

BY THE WAY,YOU WERE GREAT IN TEEN WOLF.

ENJOYED YOUR WORKVERY MUCH.

QUICK IMPERSONATION--

THIS IS ME EVERY NIGHTRIGHT BEFORE I HAVE SEX.

( laughter and applause )

SALT!

AH!

YOU KNOW WHO I--

CAN YOU SEE THE SWEAT ON ME?

Audience:YEAH.

OH, YES, YES, YOU CAN.

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

YOU KNOW WHO I'VE SEEN?

THE TRAVELING WILBURIES.

IS THIS THE UGLIEST GROUPYOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?

YOU KNOW THE GROUP'S UGLY

WHEN TOM PETTY'STHE BEST-LOOKING GUY.

IT'S THE ONLY GROUPTHE ROADIES GET LAID FIRST.

( quiet laughter )

THEY HAVE DAVID CROSBY,"ROCKERS AGAINST DRUGS."

( laughter )

DAVID CROSBY-- I LIKEDAVID CROSBY'S MUSIC

BUT HOW DO YOU RESPECT ANYBODYWHO DOES COCAINE AND IS FAT?

( laughter )

MAKE A DECISION, DAVID.

"ROCKERS AGAINST DRUGS."

WHAT'S NEXT,"POLITICIANS AGAINST LIES?"

WE'LL HAVE QUAYLE...

♪ YOU SAY POTATO,AND I SAY POTATO-E. ♪

( applause, cheering )

DID YOU HEAR QUAYLEWAS IN A MEETING TODAY?

THEY WERE DISCUSSING AK-47s ANDHE STOOD UP AND YELLED, "BINGO."

I MEAN, THE MAN...

( cheering and applause )

CROWDS HERE ARE MUCH NICER.

I'M DOING A SHOW IN NEW YORKTWO WEEKS AGO

AND THIS GUY'S GETTINGDRUNK OVER IN THE CORNER

AND EVERY TWO MINUTESA GUY STANDS UP DURING MY ACT

"HEY, COMEDIAN,I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER."

I SAID, "DON'T DO THAT."

ISN'T THAT HORRIBLE?

"HEY, COMEDIAN, I SLEPTWITH YOUR MOTHER."

I SAID, "WILL YOU SHUT UP, DAD?"

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