A Tale of Two Santas

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 02/04/2001

Bender takes over as Santa Claus to bring back Xmas spirit.

Cover that fireplace,confound you!

I've only a few years to live.

I don't want to spend them dead.

We're pushing as hard as we can.

Oh, pushing.

( groans )

Oh, we're doomed.

Every year we're doomed.

Thanks be I had thesebulletproof shutters installed.

Whoa!

( crashing )

Bring it on, Santa!

That bloodthirsty cadaverjunkie can't touch us

as long as we're not stupidenough to leave this building.

All right!Yeah!Aha!

In a related matter,you'll be delivering

this sack of children's lettersdirectly to Santa

at his death fortresson Neptune.

( thrusters firing )

These letters arereal butt-nutters.

Listen to this one.

"Dear Santa..."

Please, please don't bring meany gifts.

The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun

really tore up my insides.

Awful!

Let's read some more.

"Dear Santa..."

Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa.

You choked him with a chestnut last year,

and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas

if you know what I mean.

It's not fair.

In my day, Xmas was supposedto bring people together,

not blow them apart.

Sure, but who's going to doanything about it?

Certainly not us, no, sir.

Certainly yes us,uh-huh, sir.

We've got to bring backthe kind of Xmas I remember.

Fry's right.

It's time to sit on Santa's lap,and hard.

Bender, you're a genius.

( laughs )

This creates an unrealisticstandard of beauty.

( grunts )

Now it's time for Santato screw open his present.

( gulping )

It's Santa.

And we gothim cornered.

Oh, I smell a juicypromotion for me.

And a juicy rehiring backonto the force for me.

( gulps )

Ah, oh... wha?

( spectators murmuring )

This Xmas Day session of courtwill come to order.

The HonorableJudge Whitey presiding.

Santa Claus, you stand accusedof crimes against humanity.

How do you plead?

Not Santa!

There he is again!

Now, Pramela,

I know it's scaryin that there witness box,

but 'taint no needto fear me.

( cackles )( screams )

I'm sorry,I thought you was corn.

Now, would you pleasepoint at that robot over there?

( all gasping and murmuring )

No further questions.

( all cheeping )

Daddy done good, huh?

Isn't it true thatyou have been paidfor your testimony?

Yes, you gave mea dollar and some candy.

And yet, you haven't saidwhat I told you to say.

How can any of us trust you?

( sobbing )

Quit badgering the witness.

Badger!? Where!?

( cackles )

Whereas I have a ham dinnerwith mayonnaise

waiting for me at my mansion,

I find the defendant guilty.

( all gasping )

Santa Claus,

I hereby sentenceyou to be executedas sundown.

Oh!

It's not fair.

I just hopethat dumb chicken

is ashamed of himself.

( crowing )

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