The Half Hour
Season 2

Gabe Liedman

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 05/24/2013

Gabe Liedman is tired of monkeys, but he does love all the anal sex in "Game of Thrones."

Hi...!

How are you, everybody?

(crowd cheering)

That... great.

That's how I'm gonna talkfor 30 minutes.

So just (bleep) get on board.

(laughter)

Everyone okay? Great, great.

I'm so happy to be here.

What the (bleep)?

That's not how you spell "gay."What the (bleep)?

There's a (bleep) in "gay."

Let's start this(bleep) thing over.

Um, JK, JK, everything's fine.

Um, you guys don't need itto say "gay" behind me

because you can hearmy voice, right?

It's just kind of a pride parade

in every (bleep) syllable,isn't it?

Really cool childhood.

What else?

Um...

I'm single.

Anyone here single?

Whoo!(crowd whooping)

Who here's single? Whoo!

Let me hear who's single! Whoo!

What are we gonna do?

(inhales through teeth)

What are we gonna do?

(inhales through teeth)

Smoke weed and watch Intervention at the same time?

That's what I do.

Um, that's not it, though.Don't worry.

I'm pretty busy.

Uh, this is my first timebeing single with an iPhone.

(chuckles)

Uh, you guys know

what I'm talking about,some of you, clearly.

Um, what I'm talkingabout is Grindr.

Um, I'm busy.

Um...

For those of you who don't know,Grindr is an app

for your iPhone that kind ofworks through your GPS,

and it tells you how many feetor miles away

from the next horny gay guyyou are (laughs)

at any given point.

And it's pretty (bleep) genius.

Yes, it's awesome.

And it's also (bleep)breakthrough in technology.

And I feel like most peopleat this point

have heard of Grindr,

but what I don't think a lotof straight people know is

that now there's actuallya lot of spin-offs of Grindr,

like, kind of like Frasier-style,

more specific spin-offs.

'Cause, like, Grindrjust tells you

how far away from each otheryou are.

It doesn't necessarilygo by what you're into

of if you guys aregonna get along.

And that's what the spin-offsare for.

Like, they're more specific.

Like, there's Radar for ifyou're into men of color,

which I am.

And there's MISTER

for if you'reinto older guys, which I am.

And there's Recon for if you'reinto S&M, which I might be,

but I'll never find out.

'Cause who has the (bleep)time, honestly?

I have a hole in the ankleof my jeans.

I'm clearly not saving upfor (bleep) equipment.

Um, and then...

Oh, there's-- also there'sSCRUFF for if you're into

whatever the (bleep) this is,whatever you would call this.

on Seinfeld werejust always naked?

It's like,I don't know, monkey.

Weird that they nevertried that.

That would be the (bleep) worst.

So I-- with my entertainment,with my television,

I like to just take myself away.

Which is why I am a huge fanof Game of Thrones.

(crowd cheering)

I love it.

Now, half of you are clapping,half of you are either over it

or you don't knowwhat Game of Thrones is.

So let me just quicklycatch you guys up.

No spoilers, no judgments.

Game of Thrones-- if you don't know what it is--

is... (chuckles)

like, a fantasy show on HBO

that is about... anal sex.

(chuckles)

And...

the story kind of centersaround a handful of women

who, like, slowly getout of the bath...

(chuckles)

...only to find themselvespounded from behind

by everything!

And the whole time, they havethis crazy look in their eyes

where they're just like,"Yeah, yeah!

"We're doing it doggy style,

"and that's how you knowthat we're, like,

ancient, mythical beings."

Or whatever.

But I'm not stupid,and I know that doggy style is

actually from the late '90s.

And it was inventedby Ashanti and Ja Rule...

the Lewis and Clarkof my generation.

And I don't like being lied to!

(laughter, applause)

Thank you.

Like, (bleep) I don'tknow anything.

I need to learn more.

I know that about myself.

I need more information inmy (bleep) skull at all times.

But I don't put it in there'cause it's boring.

Like, I-I watch so much TV.

And I know that there's shiton TV that's, like, educational.

Like, there's nature programs,there's (bleep)

how-to-make-shit programs.

Whatever. And, like, I'm always,like, sitting at home

thinking like, oh, I should beenriching myself right now.

And, like, I almost turn on,like, National Geographic

or, like, something about,like, nature.

Just, like, learn about bio,or whatever,

from my (bleep) TV.

And right before I changethe channel,

I always get super scared,'cause I'm like,

oh, shit, what if I getto that next channel

and whatever it isis about monkeys?

Because... I don't knowabout you guys--

I know that this is nota popular opinion--

but I (bleep) hate monkeys!

I hate monkeys.

And I knowthat everyone else loves them,

but for some reason, monkeysare, like, the only animal

out there where I am, like, soaware that they have genitals.

And, like...

No, and, like,I know they have (bleep),

like, catcher's mitt (bleep),

like, a (bleep)long straw wig on it,

just dragging leavesthrough the jungle.

And they're (bleep)always smiling,

but they neverbrush their teeth.

And it's just like,(bleep) be more like us

or less like us.

But in terms of evolution,I hate where you've parked.

Does that make sense?

(crowd cheering)

Yes! Good! You're with me!

(bleep) monkeys!

I was meeting a guythrough JDate,

and it was, like,my one-millionth first date.

And I was like, I really need

to just (bleep) flip the scripta little bit

and just, like,have a new strategy.

So my new strategy for this datewas I was gonna go in

super interested already,kind of, you know,

on the verge of lovewith this guy,

just knowing everything.

Which I know is psychotic,but I was like,

I really need a changein my life.

So I was at home getting readyfor this date,

which for me just means

putting on biggerand bigger shirts.

That's how I get readyfor stuff.

And I was like,while I do that,

I should be studying his profile

so I already know everythingabout him.

So, I, like,brought up his profile

on my AltaVista, or whatever.

And I was like,"Enhance, enhance."

And, like, he had, like,four pictures,

and they were super flattering.

And I was like, this guy isway out of my league.

I'm gonna show upat the restaurant,

he's gonna barfacross the table,

I'm gonna be like, "Sorry,"

and that's gonna bethe whole date.

I was just, like, panicking.

And I was starting to run late,which I never do.

I'm never late.

And that made everything worse.

So, finally, I was like,goddamn it, Gabe,

why don't you just go ona (bleep) diet,

and then no one will everbe out of your league again.

Which is genius.

So, I, like, walked out the door

all confident on my new diet,just feeling tiny already.

"Ooh, I hope it's not windy."

(chuckles)

You know, just feeling small.

And, like, I knew

that I was gonna have to eatso healthy at dinner

to be skinny by the endof dinner for sex, or whatever.

So, like,for the whole subway ride,

I was just, like,crunching numbers.

And he had chosenthis soul food restaurant,

uh, in the East Village,

which is like,"Great, that's super fun."

But it's a really hard placeto be on a diet,

but I was a good sport.

And I got there, and he, like,

you know, like, looked enoughlike his pictures

that I sat down,and we were talking,

and it was my turn to order,and I was like,

"Yes, I..."

Sorry, that's howskinny people order.

They're like, "Yes...

I want this one thing."

And then fat people are like,

"Yeah, I want thisand everything touching it

on the page," or whatever.

And I was being super small.

So, I was like, "Yes...I would like the roasted

"Brussels sprouts, please.

And a side of broccoli."

And he got, like,a smoked beef ass, or whatever

a (bleep) normal person getsat a soul food restaurant.

And, like, the food came,and we were chatting.

I got all my veggies down--lesson learned.

They're not the worst.

And our conversationwas going fine--

yes, 13 Going on 30 came up 20 times,

and he didn't seem to mind--and we were, like,

done dinner, so he was like,

"We should go geta drink after this."

And I was like,"Yeah, let's go get a (bleep)

million drinks right now."

And just sprinted out.

Slide to the bar and I started--we were drinking,

just kept on drinkingand drinking and drinking.

And I don't know about you guys,but, like, when I get drunk,

I become... perfect.

And I don't know about you guys,but, like, when I get drunk,

I become... perfect.

It's, like, the closest wordI can think of

to describe how I actwhen I'm drunk.

Like, all of a sudden,I look like Zoe Saldana,

and, like, everything I saymakes a ton of sense.

And that happened, and I guesshe was kind of impressed,

'cause he was like,

"Let's go back to my placeafter this," and I was like...

(speaking slurred gibberish)

Or whatever, just somethingsuper drunk and flirty.

And we went backto his apartment,

started, like, entertainingeach other, as they say.

Or they're gonna say that,I just don't know when.

And it was fine,except for, by that point,

I was holding in

between 50 and 60 farts,

from my, like, insane

broccoli for dinner(bleep) experiment

that I was just living in publicwith a total stranger.

And these weren't,like, little, like,

"Whoopsies,I swallowed wrong" farts,

or whatever normal people get.

These were, like, (bleep)huge (bleep) veggie farts

made of pure steel,with so much info to share.

And they were allqueued up right here,

and it was, like, very painful.

I was trying to ignore them,

but a lot of themwere trying to, like,

Jamiroquai their way outwithout me noticing,

or whatever.

And I was like,"No, you don't!"

And at the time,I didn't know about that trick

where you can justspread your ass cheeks apart,

fart, and then be like--it doesn't make any noise

if you spread your ass cheeksapart and fart.

It makes no noise,and then you can just be like,

"Oh, your apartment's windy.

Anyway, I gota flight to catch."

'Cause it's not likeyou farted, you know?

I didn't know that trick.

I thought, if I fart right now,it's gonna ruin everything.

So I was holding it in.

We did what we could.

You know, like, face stuff,(bleep) stuff.

I didn't want to, like,break his neck, or whatever.

And afterwards, it was fine.

We were laying therenext to each other.

Everything was fine.

Just kind of, like,drifting off into slumber land.

And as soon as my body relaxed

just a little bit, like--

I wasn't even that relaxed.

Like, a little bit morerelaxed than I had been.

(bleep) all 50 farts

just came out as

one giant fartthat was just like,

(shouts):"Bah!"

Like, so loudthat it woke us both up,

and we both knew exactlywhat had happened.

'Cause, like, the sheetswere on the ceiling,

every window was broken,

the cars outsidewere on their side.

And he was just,like, staring at me.

I was like, the only wayto recover from this

is to say somethingreally smart.

So he was staring at me,and I looked back at him,

and I was like,

"Um...

did you say something?"

Which is literally the smartestthing I've ever said.

Including everythingI just said to you

for the last half hour.

I'm Gabe Liedman.

Thank you so much.

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