CC Presents: Jamie Lissow

  • Season 13, Ep 8
  • 01/11/2009

AND I WANT TO LETYOU GUYS KNOW I-- IF I--

I APOLOGIZE IF I DON'T SEEMLIKE I'M LOOKIN' RIGHT AT YOU

WHEN I'M TALKING.'CAUSE I-- I HAVE

TERRIBLE EYESIGHT, MAN.LIKE AH--

LIKE, I DON'T EVENKNOW IF YOU GUYS-- AH,IF YOU'RE STILL HERE.

- UM- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S PRETTY BAD.LIKE, I WENT TO LENS CRAFTERS

THE OTHER DAYI HAD LOST MY GLASSES.

AND I GO IN WITHMY PRESCRIPTION, I GO,

"HEY, DO YOU GUYS THINKYOU CAN MAKE ME THESE GLASSES

IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?"AND THE LADY GOES,

"WE WON'T EVEN BE DONE MAKINGFUN OF YOU IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.

THAT'S HOW CRAPPYYOUR EYES ARE, SIR.

THIS ISN'T EVEN LENS CRAFTERS,IT'S A DELI."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW FUN IS THIS, MAN?THEY PUT-- THAT'S-- THAT'S ME.

UM I HAD 'EM DRAW ITKIND OF BIGGER, SO IT WOULD--

IT WOULD LOOK AS IF I--I JUST HAD LOST WEIGHT.

- UM- [LAUGHTER]

I THOUGHTIT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

IT'S GOOD TO BE IN NEW YORK.TOOK THE SUBWAY TODAY.

YOU SEE A LOT OFWEIRD PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY.

GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE SUBWAYTHE OTHER DAY

WAS READINGA BOOK OF SHEET MUSIC.

WHAT A CHEAP BASTARD,BUY AN iPOD.

WHAT YEAR IS IT YOU'RE READINGMUSIC INTO YOUR HEAD.

- IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING.- [LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S EXPENSIVETO LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK.

I HAD TO LIVE INA STUDIO APARTMENT WHENI FIRST MOVED HERE.

I DON'T KNOWIF PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY HERE

KNOWS WHAT A STUDIO IS?BUT IF YOU DON'T,

BASICALLY, IT'S WHEREYOU LIVE IN ONE ROOM,

AND YOU PRETEND LIKE,THAT'S OKAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IT-- 'CAUSE IT'S NOT.'CAUSE YOUR FRIENDS,

WHO-- YOU GOT LIKE,AN APARTMENT IN NEW YORK,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"DUDE, WE WANT TO SWING BY,

CHECK OUT YOUR NEW PLACE,"YOU KNOW?

AND MY FRIENDJUST SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR.

I WAS NEVER GONNA INVITE HIM.THAT WAS MY IDEA.

AND HE JUST SHOWS UP.AND HE GOES,

"YEAH MAN, I WANNA GET A TOUROF YOUR PLACE."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOUHAVE EVER GIVEN A TOUROF A STUDIO APARTMENT?

BUT IT ALWAYS SORT OFGOES THE SAME WAY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIKE,OKAY, RIGHT HERE WE HAVE THE,

- AND THEY JUST START CRYING.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EXPLAINING WHY LIFEDIDN'T REALLY GO THE WAYYOU THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA.

YOU KNOW, AND THERE'SNO WHERE TO CRY WHEN SOMEONE'S

- IN THE BATHROOM.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

TO HAVE FUN IN NEW YORK.

I SAW LIKE, A SKATEBOARDING,YOU KNOW, IN TIMES SQUARE.

I GUESS PEOPLE STILL DO THAT--FOR WHATEVER.

AND POLICEMEN STARTEDYELLING AT HIM, LIKE,

"DUDE, THERE'S NO SKATEBOARDINGIN THIS AREA" RIGHT,

AND THE SKATEBOARDERLOOKED AT THE POLICEMAN

AND HE GOES,"HEY MAN, SCREW YOU."

WHICH I DON'T THINKYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT,

JUST BASED ONTHE POLICEMAN'S REACTION.

AND THEN, THE POLICEMAN TRIEDTO STRANGLE THE SKATEBOARDER,

WHICH I GUESS,YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DOIN THAT CASE, RIGHT?

AND-- THE SKATEBOARDERTRIED TO GET AWAY.

FIRST, HE STARTED TO LIKE,SKATEBOARD AWAY,

AND THAT WASN'T WORKING OUT.THE COP WAS GAINING ON HIM.

THEN, HE PICKED UP THE BOARD,DISAPPEARED, RAN AWAY WITH IT.

RIGHT, I'M KIND OF WATCHINGALL OF THIS, KIND OF FUNNY.

AND THEN IT HITS ME, MAN.I'M LIKE, "WOW!

WHAT A CRAPPYFORM OF TRANSPORTATIONSKATEBOARDING IS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, IF YOU HAVE A VEHICLE,

AND THEN YOU'RESUDDENLY IN A HURRY,

AND IT'S ACTUALLY FASTERTO PICK IT UP AND RUN WITH IT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAYBE YOU CHOSEA BAD TYPE OF TRANSPORTATION.

WE GET ALLTHE LAWS FIRST IN NEW YORK.LIKE, WE GOT UM--

LIKE WE GOTTHE CELL PHONE DRIVING LAW.WE GOT THAT FIRST.

IF ANYBODY'S FROM OUT OF TOWN,YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

THE LAW STATES THAT IF YOU'RETALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE,

AND YOU'RE DRIVING,AND YOU SEE A POLICEMAN,

YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURPHONE DOWN FOR A SECOND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE LAW, MAN.

YEAH, YOU'RE NOTALLOWED TO PICK IT UP AGAIN

TILL HE'S GONE.YOU HAVE TO WAIT, OR THAT--THAT'S ILLEGAL.

I GOT BUSTEDBY THE COPS RECENTLY

AND I WAS AT A STOPLIGHT,AND I'M ON THE PHONE

AND I JUST LOOK OVER,AND THERE'S A COP,

AND HE'S LIKE,LOOKING AT ME.

AND I'M JUST LIKE,LOOKING AT HIM-- HA-HA--AND I WAS LIKE,

WHAT DO I DO, DO I JUSTSURRENDER?LIKE, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

- I'M OBVIOUSLY--- [LAUGHTER]

I'M OBVIOUSLYON THE PHONE HERE.

BUT THEN THE COP JUST LIKE,SQUINTED AT ME, RIGHT,

SO, I WAS LIKE-- OH MY--MAYBE HE DOESN'T KNOW

IF I HAVE APHONE OR NOT, RIGHT?

SO, I DID WHATANYBODY WOULD'VE DONE, RIGHT.I DROPPED THE PHONE.

I DID LIKE A-- BLOOP-- AND THENI TRIED TO PRETEND LIKE

I JUST DRIVE LIKE THIS,WITH MY HAND ON MY EAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST DRIVIN' AROUND, MAN,LIKE I DO.

HANGING ON TO MY EAR.

NOTHING UNDER THERE,IF YOU WERE WONDERING.

COLLEGE STUDENTSHERE TONIGHT IN THE CROWD,

COLLEGE GRADUATESFOR A ROUND OF APPLAUSE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT IS SO COOL.THANKS FOR CLAPPIN', MAN.

I WAS DOIN' A SHOWLAST WEEK IN AH--

- I WAS IN ALABAMA. AND AH--- [LAUGHTER]

IS-- IS SOMEBODY FROM THERE,'CAUSE I'LL CHANGE IT. UM--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE WENT TO ALABAMA.IT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.BUT THEN, AFTER THAT, MAN,

WE WERE IN MISSISSIPPI.AND-- IS SOMEBODY FROM THERE?

ARE YOU SER-- UM--MISSISSIPPI WAS GREAT.IT WAS FANTASTIC AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT WAS WEIRD.I CAME OUT THERE WAS LIKE

A COUPLE HUNDRED PEOPLEIN THE CROWD, PACKED,

YOU KNOW,YOUNG LOOKING PEOPLE.

AND I COME OUT AND I'M LIKE,

"HEY, YOU KNOW ANYBODY HEREGO TO COLLEGE?

YOU KNOW,MAKE SOME NOISE,GIVE IT UP."

YOU GUYS, 200 PEOPLE,DEAD SILENCE.

PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,PISSED THAT I'D BROUGHT IT UP.

YOU KNOW, SO, I'M PANICKING.I'M LIKE, "THAT'S OKAY.

ANYBODY HERE EVER KNOW ANYBODYTHAT WENT TO COLLEGE?"

SHOOT-- "ANYBODY EVERDRIVE BY A COLLEGE?"

[LAUGHTER]

"ANYBODY KNOW HOWTO SPELL COLLEGE IF I LET YOU

- WORK IN GROUPS?- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HAS ANYBODYEVER MADE A COLLAGE?"

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WERENICE PEOPLE, THOUGH.

MAN, ALABAMAARE THE NICEST PEOPLE.IT WAS LIKE,

ONE GUY COMES UP TO MEAFTER THE SHOW AND HE WAS LIKE,

"DO YOU GUYS REALLYHAVE STUDIO APARTMENTS?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, MAN."AND HE GOES,

HOW MUCH DO YOUPAY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

AND I WAS LIKE,"2,000 BUCKS,"

I TOLD HIM THATWE PAID FOR OURS, TRUTH.AND HE WAS LIKE,

"$2,000?" HE GOES,"DO YOU REALIZE, HERE,

"YOU COULD LITERALLY GET LIKE,A FIVE BEDROOM HOUSE,

"WITH LIKE, THREE BATHROOMS,ON LIKE, TEN ACRES OF LAND,

OR SOMETHING?"AND I WAS LIKE, "I KNOW,

"BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,OUT THE FRONT DOOR,

- ALABAMA IS THERE."- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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