April 12, 2016 - Quinta Brunson

  • 04/12/2016

Donald Trump's campaign accuses Ted Cruz of "Gestapo tactics," and Larry examines Hillary Clinton's "C.P. time" skit with Quinta Brunson, Franchesca Ramsey and Rory Albanese.

-(cheering and applause)-Oh, man!

Thank you very much!Welcome to The Nightly Show!

Please. No, you're too kind!

Please have a seat. Sucha great audience here tonight!

We've got a great showfor you guys.

From BuzzFeed, Quinta Brunsonis on the panel tonight, guys.

Very excited about that.

Very funny. Very funny.

So-so, you guys, um,

so you know how... you know...

you know how I like to keep upwith what's going on

with the black community, right?

And, uh... It's true, you know?And I look to...

Here's what you don't know.I look to one show

for all my black news,

The O'Reilly Factor.

With African-American youth,you have a 59% unemployment.

With people of prime age,it's much higher than

-white unemployment. -But howare you gonna get jobs for them?

Many of them are ill-educated

and have tattooson their foreheads.

Yes! Th...

What the (bleep) did you ju...

(stammers) Okay,just so you know, Bill O'Reilly,

um, I'm oneof those rare black people

who don't havea forehead tattoo.

But if I did, it'd be this.

(humming)

Hmm.

(cheering and applause)

Yeah, that's right!

(bleep) you, O'Reilly!(chuckles)

Now, please tweet me photos

of your Bill O'Reillyforehead tattoo,

and we may use them on the air.

And this is for everyone--black, white--

anyone with a forehead,all right?

If you have a forehead,you, too, can tell Bill O'Reilly

to go (bleep) himself.

#ForeheadSolidarity. Yes.

Okay, so let's, uh...(laughs)

let's check inwith the ongoing attempt

to de-Negrofy the White House,you guys.

What's happeningwith the Unblackening?

(dramatic music playing)

(grunts)All right, this weekend,

uh, the GOP election movedto "Colorada,"

Colorado, where things gota little, dare I say, rocky?

(laughs)

See how I... And I... Mm.

Sorry. I apologize.

Ted Cruz wins in what's beingcalled a voterless victory.

REPORTER: Ted Cruz completed a clean sweep

of Colorado's 34 available delegates.

Colorado is one of justa few states that doesn't hold

a Republican primary or caucus.

Wow, Colorado figured out a wayto elect people without voting?

Man.

Legal potreally has made them lazy.

(chuckles)

(groans)

All right, so what werethe insurmountable obstacles

Trump's ground game,uh, ran into?

Some of Trump's delegateswere hindered by misspellings

and misnumbered paperworkthat show Trump's ground game

may need some work.

Hmm.

If this election's gonna hingeon spelling and numbers, uh,

I feel like Trump's supportersare at a real disadvantage.

Um...

But something's going onin the Trump campaign right now.

You know, it feelsas though the tide is turning.

And, uh, even though he'sstill talking about winning,

it sounds more like whining.

I watch Bernie.He wins, he wins.

He keeps winning.Winning, winning.

And then I seehe's got no chance!

They always sayhe has no chance.

Why doesn't he have a chance?

Because the system is corrupt,

and it's worseon the Republican side!

Extra, extra! System corrupt!

System corrupt!

Says billionaire tryingto buy election!

System corrupt.(laughing)

That actually, uh... Oh, wow.

That actually lookedpretty cool.

Uh... Mmm.

So Donald Trump feels betrayedby a system

he doesn't understand,but the truth of it is

he doesn't understand the system

he didn't take the timeto learn.

State guidelineswere put in place last year.

And while they may becomplicated,

they were made publicto every single campaign team.

Yeah.

The true art of the deal,Donald,

is knowingwhat the (bleep) deal is.

Art of the deal.

So now his campaign has goneafter Grandpa Munster Ted Cruz.

Right?

With, uh... withan ironic historical comparison.

Trump's convention manager,Paul Manafort,

who has taken a larger rolewithin the campaign,

is accusing the Cruz campaign--

you'll not hear this oftenin politics--

of using gestapo tactics.

-Ooh.-WOMAN: Gestapo.

Yeah, going to the Nazi well,huh?

Well, you must be feelingthreatened

if you're playingthe Reich card.

Well, congratulationsto Ted Cruz.

Only front-runnersget called Nazis.

I'm just sayin'.Yeah, it's true.

I don't remember anyone callingLincoln Chafee a Nazi.

Is it appropriateto use the word "gestapo"?

Well, it-it is a wordto d-define exactly the type

of, uh, malice that is involvedwith going after some

of these delegates in a veryhostile and intimidating way.

Okay, hold on a second.

Did she really just say thatsneakily snagging 34 delegates

is Hitler-level aggression?

All right, sic her, Wolf.Sic her.

The gestapo, you know whatthey did during World War II.

You know they... the millionsof people, especially Jews,

who were murdered.

Yes.

(laughter)

No!

This is how surrealthis campaign has gotten.

A black woman is defendingthe-the use

of the word "gestapo"to a man named Wolf Blitzer

in her defense of a white manwith a bad comb-over

trying to rise to power in a way

that can only be describedas Hitlerian!

My head is gonna explode!

And not reading rulesof an election

apparently runs in the family.

Just one last question.There are two New Yorkers

who won't be able to vote,uh, for you or Ted Cruz,

Ivanka and Eric Trump, unable toregister because of the rules.

Are the rules in New York unfairas well?

TRUMP: No. They had a long timeregister, and they were,

you know, unaware of the rules,

-and they didn't... they didn'tregister in time. -Oops.

(chuckles)Oops.

Maybe they forgot to register.

Or maybe they just don't wantto tell their father

that they're secretly feelingthe Bern.

Uh-oh.

That would be hilarious.

You know, cut them some slack,you guys.

They've been running a campaign,and Ivanka was having a baby.

All right? She didn't have time

to thinkabout voter registration.

In order to be able to votein the primary for my father,

Donald J. Trump, you need to beregistered as a Republican.

I figured I'd explainhow to do it.

But don't worry.It's super simple.

(laughter)

Yeah. Well, there's the problemright there.

Ivanka didn't makea YouTube video

telling herself to register.

That would have solved it all.

All right, joining us nowto discuss this is the man

at the center of it all,Donald Trump.

(applause and cheering)

Hi, Donald.

I am always happyto be on a show

that puts mein front of the blacks.

(laughter)

-Um...-You're welcome.

(laughter)

That's a horrible wayto start an interview.

-Um...-(laughter)

Okay, so what's with your kidsnot registering to vote?

Lay off, okay?Absolutely foxy Ivanka.

I mean, she...Have you seen her lately?

-She's so hot. I mean...-(laughter)

My daughter-- she's a great...

She's... right now, I mean,she's been giving birth

to her brand-new Jew baby, okay?

(laughter)

As for Eric, I mean,what can I say?

-I mean, he's an idiot.-(laughter)

Okay, um, all right,

so you've been complainingabout a rigged system.

Are-are you the victim here now?

-Excuse me. Excuse me,Excuse me. -What? What?

-Okay, I am not a victim.-You're not a victim.

Okay, Ted Cruz--I call him "Lying Ted."

-He cheated, okay?-Yeah?

I'm not talking abouthis awful marriage, either.

I mean, seriously, it's awful.I mean, everybody knows it.

(laughter)

I lost to a guy with zero votes.

I am a victim here, okay?

(laughter)

You just contradicted yourself.

No, I didn't, okay?

All I'm saying is, look,I'm great at following rules.

I'm the best, actually.I'm really good.

I mean, it's business.I'm really good at it, okay?

-(laughter) -Larry, you gotto know how to follow the rules.

-All right. -Like whenyou're playing black Monopoly.

(laughter)

Black what?

Black Monopoly.

You've played the game, right?

Where Marvin Gardensis a basketball court.

-And the jail...-(laughter and groaning)

The jail is always full.

(laughter and groaning)

Okay, there is no such thingas black Monopoly.

Well. Well, there should be.

-It's a great idea.-Well...

-It'd be a fantastic game.-Okay, all right, it's not.

Okay, look,as far as this Gestapo comment,

how can you compare losing34 delegates to the Nazis?

-Hey, excuse me.-What...?

Look, my daughter just gave mea fresh new Jew grandkid, okay?

(laughter)

So don't lecture meabout the Nazis.

I mean, come on.I'm disappointed, Larry.

-What?-I mean, to be honest.

You seem respectable.

You don't seem like the kindwho would cut in line

at the forehead tattoo parlor,okay?

-What?-(laughter)

I don't havea forehead tattoo, Donald.

I know you use make-upto cover it up, like Obama.

-(laughter)-Obama?

He's covering up his tattooslike he's covering up Benghazi.

-It's so obvious.-Okay, look... -(laughter)

You're not making any sense,but let me ask you this.

Does it feel likethis nomination

-is slipping away from you?-Excuse me.

-Wait. Excuse me, Larry.-Yeah?

Nothing is slippingthrough these...

Look at these hands.They're so big. Come on.

-(laughter) -They're so big.Unbelievably big.

-WILMORE: I... I...-Hugely big.

I'm telling you, these crooks--they're not to win, okay?

Crooks only won in two things--horseshoes and black Monopoly.

(laughter)

That analogy makes no sense.

No. No, Larry.You know what makes no sense?

-What?-Obama.

-Uh...-(laughter)

Now I have to go see Ivanka,all right?

She already had...She had beautiful breasts.

-We all know that, okay?-(laughter)

-But now they're huge.-You're talking...

-Unbelievably huge. -Okay,you don't have to finish that.

-Donald Trump, everybody.-So big. Unbelievably big.

-We'll be right back.-(applause and cheering)

You're talking about yourdaughter! It's horrible.

-(applause and cheering)-Welcome back.

Now the world of social mediahelps to connect us all,

but sometimes it can dojust as much to divide us.

Here to catch us upon the latest Twitter outrage

is Nightly Show contributorFranchesca Ramsey

with another installmentof Hash It Out.

(cheers and applause)

Thanks, Larry.

This week, I want to shed lighton a serious issue

plaguing our daily livesonline-- false equivalencies.

Believe me, they're everywhere.

Just last week, Twitter exploded

when sports journalistBomani Jones showed up

to ESPN rockinga Caucasian shirt.

Hysterical, right?

Well, a bunch of peopledidn't seem to think so.

Take a look at these tweets.

"Racists gonna racist.

#ESPN to Bomani Jones-- PleaseCover Up 'Caucasian' shirt."

"Bomani Jones's Caucasian shirtwas racist

"and it intended to be.

He must be suspended now."

No, his shirt was satirical,and it intended to be.

-You must be embarrassed now.-(laughter)

Bomani Jones wore thatCaucasian shirt to point out

how offensive the ClevelandIndians' name and mascot are.

But even when you spell it out,people still don't get it.

"Bomani Jones wearingthe Caucasian shirt

"has no effect on me whatsoever.

"Just like Redskins, Blackhawks,

and Chief Wahooshouldn't to everyone."

Sure,you don't find it offensive

because you haven't beenthe victim of centuries

of systemic oppressionor attempted genocide!

Let's be real!

(cheers and applause)

A white guywith a dollar sign on his head

is basically a compliment.

Maybe if we killed your grandmaand put her on a sports jersey,

you'd finally get it.

But it didn't stop there.

Twitter really lost it

after BET's fabulous awardsshow, Black Girls Rock!

Hosted by Tracee Ellis Ross,the show honored

the achievementsof black women and girls.

Now, full disclosure--

I also wrote for the show,#TwoChecks-- but...

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

But that doesn't haveany bearing on the reaction

that I hadto the immediate backlash

it received online.

Here are just a fewof the salty tweets.

"I wonder if we started a trend#WhiteGirlsRock

"to take pride in ourselves,

would that be racistand offensive?"

"#BlackGirlsRock trending.

"But if #WhiteGirlsRock,we're racist?

"White girlswouldn't even consider

having such a movement."

I wouldn't call it racist, butyou're right about one thing.

You wouldn't considerhaving a movement,

because even though Black GirlsRock! is an organization

that does charitable workall year round,

you only show upwhen we're trending on Twitter.

So, no,it's not a real movement.

-It's just a temper tantrum.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Here's the thing.

You can make whatever hashtagyou want, but it's redundant.

We don't need White Girls Rock,the same way we don't need

-a straight pride parade.-(laughter)

I mean, look at hownot fabulous those floats are.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

See, when the worldalready caters to you,

it's sayingthat you rock every single day.

You already haveWhite Girls Rock.

-It's called the Oscars.-(laughter)

It's... called television.

It's called life.

The world knows you rockbecause we see positive

and diverse representationsof white girls everywhere.

Seeing a black womanportrayed positively on TV

is like finding a unicorneating a four-leaf clover

at the end of a double rainbow.

Let's just say it's rare.

And that's whywe need Black Girls Rock!

Here's the point.

Every timeblack people draw attention

to not being includedin something,

the response is "Well, then whydon't you make your own thing?"

So that's what we did,and now you're mad?

That's not how it works.

It's okay to make our own(bleep) 'cause Black Girls Rock!

(cheers and applause)

Franchesca Ramsey, everybody!

-We'll... be... right... back!-(cheers and applause)

We'll be right back.We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Hey, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorFranchesca Ramsey.

(cheering, applause)

And she's a comedian and actressfrom BuzzFeed Motion Pictures,

the very funny Quinta Brunson.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so tonight I wantto talk about this thing

that happened at an event herein New York this past Saturday.

Everybody's been talkingabout it online, so take a look.

Thanks for the endorsement,Bill.

-(laughter)-WOMAN: Yeah!

Took you long enough.

-Oh, snap.-(drummer hits rimshot)

Sorry, Hillary.

I was running on CP time.

LESLIE ODOM JR.:That's not... I don't...

I don't like jokes like that,Bill. That's not funny.

(laughter)

-Cautious politician time.-Ah. -(laughter)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

No, it's not bad.They were making little jokes.

CP time jokes. For those of youthat don't know what it means,

it means "colored people time."

Black people have been doingthat joke for years.

Some people felt it was racist.

-BRUNSON: Mm-hmm. -Um,I didn't think it was racist.

-I thought it was just awkward.-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-It was just kind of awkward.-Yeah.

Uh, any... anybody havea problem with this?

I don't... I wasn't offended

-Mm-hmm.-as a black person,

I was offendedbecause it was just bad.

-It was just an offensive,bad joke. -Right.

It was just... they couldhave stopped by an open mike

before then, and maybe playedthat out, learned how to deal

-with the audience.-Just practice a little bit.

-Just practice. -Yeah, I thinkit was a matter of the audience.

-WILMORE: Yeah. -I feel likeit was the wrong place

-for that joke, because...-Because a political event?

It was a political event--I feel like it was, like,

a bunch of white rich people.

I feel like Bill de Blasio,his wife is black, and so this

something that maybe ifhe was around the dinner table

with his in-laws,he could have made that joke,

-BRUNSON: Yeah.-and they would have l...

it would have, like,killed there.

-Right. That is so true.-Like when the white guy

goes on to, uh, Def Comedy Jam,

-Yeah. Yeah.-and they're all like, "Oh!

He's cool! He's cool!"

Like, this wasthe totally wrong venue.

That is ironic.

In front of black peopleit would have destroyed.

-BRUNSON: Yeah. Right. Right.-I think that they would have...

-But they have to know him...-This is why you do open mikes.

-You learn where youraudience is. -WILMORE: Yeah.

'Cause they go, "Well,I guess he's black-adjacent.

-ALBANESE: Yeah.-"He's got a black wife.

He's black-adjacent."

I feel like...I mean, again, you know,

what do I know about racism?

-But it felt racist to me,and, uh... -It felt racist?

-Yeah, it felt racist...-Or racial?

No, (bleep).I mean, first of all,

I don't think CP time'sa real thing.

Like, I work at a showwith a lot of black people,

and I'm the latest personevery day to work, so...

I have proven through sciencethat it's not a real thing.

-But, uh...-Right. You don't think you have

any black in youis what you're saying.

-Um, not at the moment. Uh...-(laughter)

No.

Call me...call me after the taping.

-I hope you get somein you soon... -Uh...

-yeah, no, I actually...-I'm excited.

...actually am not lookingfor any. Thank you.

-BRUNSON: Or is he?-Um... but, no, I think, uh,

I think it's just, like,I think it's insens...

I think it's stupid.I feel like right now

-there's such a racial climatein the country. -Mm-hmm.

You're running for president,you're a politician,

-WILMORE: Yeah. -you're,like, you're white, you know,

you got enough problemswith Black Lives Matter,

like, what are you doing?Like, there's an El Niño

of racial tension right now--I wouldn't play with it.

I would just... I would have cutthat joke from the script.

Are you allowed to make a jokeof someone else's thing?

That's a tricky area anything.When it's yours, you're okay.

'Cause people arealways confused by this.

I always feel it'sa top dog-underdog thing.

Like, I always feel underdoggets to make fun of top dog,

but top dog can't make funof underdog.

You know,'cause white people say,

"How come I can't make funof black people?"

'Cause you're top dog,mother(bleep).

-(laughter)-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's...-Yeah, and you definitely have

to punch upinstead of punching down.

I just don't think it works...

WILMORE: You can,but it comes with the...

-Yeah, it comes...-with some judgment.

-Absolutely. -BRUNSON:Or you just have to be funny.

-WILMORE: There you go.-Oh! -They just...

-ALBANESE: No, I agree.-they just weren't funny,

-you know what I mean?-Yeah, that's true.

-No, that is true.-Yeah.

-You can bring it if it's funny.-You just have to be funny.

There's no reason thatLouie CK can get away with

saying the N-word and it-and itflies and it kills in the arena.

It's... I mean,there is a reason: he's funny.

They weren't funny. I felt likeI was watching my teachers

try to to tell jokes. "Todaywe're gonna talk about Tupac.

-Yes. -Tupac, Threepac,Fourpac, now five."

It's uncomfortable.You know what I mean?

-It's not fun.-I'm not gonna lie--

you actually had a funnyteacher. That's pretty good.

Does Hillary feel likean underdog in the race

-in any sense, or do...-No. No, not at all.

Not even being a womanin the race? She doesn't

-feel like an underdog?-I mean, yes, she's a woman,

but she's alsoleading in the polls

and she's worth,like, $30 million.

Like, that's the typeof underdog I would like to be.

-Right, yeah.-Like, honestly.

Like, she has it setin those arenas.

I think it all depends on the...on the game you're playing.

And, like, in this game,no, she's not the underdog.

It depends on the wayyou're looking at it.

If you want to look at itfrom a woman's standpoint, fine.

But I'm not surethat necessarily applies here.

I know there are Twitter peoplesaying, "She's a woman

and she has a period",but that's still not... I mean,

she's good... She knows whatshe's doing. She knows politics.

You know what's weird,I think Trump is...

has kind of tried to positionhimself as an underdog.

-I mean, this... -No, dawg.It doesn't go that way.

-But he has.-It doesn't work like that.

-And he's a billionaire.He's... I mean... -No. -Mm-hmm.

If the election is Trumpand Hillary, who's the underdog?

-Oh.-Ooh. Us.

-I know, that's what I'm saying.-America. -Yeah, America.

See? It's not...it's not so easy.

ALBANESE:The American people.

-It's not so easy. -No,I-I think h... I think that

because she's a Clinton, you...

you gain a littletop dog status.

But I do think as a woman who...Here's the thing...

-But historically...-But we think of Hillary as...

...historically, she'll clearlybe the underdog in that race.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.We think of her

as a top dog now, but if youlook at her life, like,

-she was an underdogher whole life. -Right.

Like, this is the odd thing--it's like someone

who was an underdog and foughtto get into a position

of being a top dog should begiven credit for all that work

-that she did to get there.-She... I think she...

she is, but she'smore of a contender now.

Do you know what I'm saying?Like, now she has

contender status.She has all these things

that she's overcome. She doesn'tcare what people are saying

about herbeing a woman, essentially.

And her as candidate, as a goodcontender. She's killing it.

But I think, like, if Ted Cruzwon, I'd be surprised

-at this point, which is,like... -Yeah, you need someone

who, like, we didn'tsee coming at all. -Yeah.

You know what I mean?Like the ending of Mighty Ducks.

Like, we didn't see thatthey were gonna pull through

-and then they did.-That's what I'm talking about.

-That's what I'm talking about.-That's what we need

-in order somebody to be anunderdog. -If you didn't think

at a Disney sports movie theywere gonna win, that's on you.

-That is on you.-I-I was on the edge of my seat.

-Yeah. -That's her fault.-Because there's not a lot

of Disney movies that endin horror. There just aren't.

All right,we'll find out soon enough.

We'll be right back.

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