December 18, 2013 - Keanu Reeves

  • 12/18/2013

Customer satisfaction is worthless, Germany joins the debate over Santa's ethnicity, Keanu Reeves talks "47 Ronin," and Aaron Neville performs with members of MusiCorps.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT IS SANTACLAUS AN AMERICAN, WELL, HE

IS FAT AND WEARS A VELVETTRACK SUIT.

THEN A SHOCKING TASTE OFGOVERNMENT WASTE.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITHTHE OLD HAMPSHIRE.

AND MY GUEST IS KEANU REEVESWHO STARS IN THE NEW SAMURAI

MOVIE "47 RONIN", OH, THREEMORE AND HE CAN GET THE FREE

"RONIN".

STOCK TORES SAY AN APPLE ADAY MAY PREVENT HEART ATTACK,

IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME SORTOF RHYME TO REMEMBER THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY, GOOD TO HAVE YOUWITH US.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUARE WATCHING THE COLE BERT

REPORT AND I CERTAINLY HOPETHAT YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE RANKINGTHINGS IN LISTS.

IN FACT, I SAY LISTS RANKINGRANKS AS MY NUMBER FOUR

PASSION.

RIGHT AFTER TWO FINGERS OFBOURBON AND THREE FINGERS OF

BOURBON.

NOW OF COURSE AMONGRANKOPHILES THE CREAM DE LA

CREAM DE LA CROP IS THEAMERICAN CUSTOMER

SATISFACTION INDEX WHICHRANKS CUSTOMER SATISFACTION

AMONG 190 MAJOR BRANDS.

IS THE MOST TRUSTED RANKINGOF CORPORATE LIKABILITY NEXT

TO PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIESTCORPORATION ALIVE.

(LAUGHTER)WOULDN'T MIND SPRINKLING

SOME BROWN SUGAR ON THAT.

NOW ACCORDING TO THE ACSITHIS YEAR'S TOP CUSTOMER

SATISFIER WAS MERCEDES-BENZ,THE CADILLAC OF CARS.

SO CONGRATULATIONS ON THEEXTRA EFFORT, MERCEDES,

WHICH OF COURSE WAS ACOMPLETE WASTE.

BECAUSE BLOOMBERG BUSINESSWEEK CRUNCHED THE DATA THIS

WEEK COMPARING THESATISFACTION RANKS WITH EACH

COMPANY'S STOCK PRICE ANDFOUND THAT CUSTOMER SERVICE

SCORES HAVE NO RELEVANCE TOSTOCK MARKET RETURNS.

THE MOST HATED COMPANIESPERFORMED BETTER AND YOUR

CON TEMPT REALLY TRULYDOESN'T MATTER.

IF ANYTHING T MIGHT HURTCOMPANY PROFITS TO SPEND

MONEYMAKING CUSTOMERS HAPPY.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, THEFREE MARKET HAS SPOKEN.

AND IT SAID [BLEEP] YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: FOR INSTANCE,

THE STOCK OF ONE OF THELOWEST SCORING COMPANIES IN

THE SURVEY TIME WARNER CABLESURGED 450% OVER THE PAST

FIVE YEARS, WHICH ISPARTICULARLY SURPRISING

SINCE FIVE YEARS IS HOW LONGYOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE

CABLE GUY.

REMEMBER, REMEMBER, THEYSAID HE'D BE THERE BETWEEN

2009 AND 2014, SO DON'T GOANYWHERE.

AND SINCE APPARENTLY HAVINGCUSTOMERS HATE SU GOOD FOR

BUSINESS, I'M GOING TO HELPAMERICAN CORPORATION RIGHT

NOW GET CUSTOMERSATISFACTION NUMBERS RIGHT

IN THE TOILET.

SO RELEASE THE FILES THATSHOW RICHARD BRANSON WAS THE

ZODIAC KILLER THAT IS HOW HESMILES WHEN HE CUT YOU ARE

YOUR TONGUE OUT.

BANK OF AMERICA GIVECUSTOMERS WHO HOPE OPEN A

CHECKING ACCOUNT A FREETOASTER AND HEPATITIS C,

OLIVE GARDEN CHANGE YOURSLOGAN FROM WHEN ARE YOU

(LAUGHTER)BY THE WAY, BUT YOU STILL

GET UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, LAST WEEK I DEFENDED

FOX NEWS SENIOR ICESCULPTURE MEGYN KELLY AFTER

LIBERALS ATTACKED THIS GOODWOMAN FOR SAYING SANTA CLAUS

IS WHITE.

NOW KELLY HAS SUPPORT FROMPROMINENT AFRICAN-AMERICANS

LIKE BILL O'REILLY.

I DON'T SEE RACE BUT IASSUME HE'S BLACK BECAUSE

YOU KNOW, HIS NAME SOUNDSBLACK, O'REILLY, O'NEILL, O

BOMBA.

BROTHER BILL, REPRESENT, ANDKELLY IS CORRECT.

>> SANTA WAS A WHITE PERSON.

THE HISTORICAL TRUTH IS THATST. NICHOLAS, THE PROTOTYPE

OF SANTA WAS WHITE.

HE WAS BORN SOMETIME AROUND288 AD IN ASIA MINOR.

NOW THE COUNTRY KNOWN ASTURKEY, SEE, HE WAS FROM

TURKEY, JUST THE WHITE MEATPART.

BUT YOU KNOW, HATE IS GOINGTO HATE LIKE CNN'S SENIOR

DON LEMON DON LEMON WHOFIRED BACK WITH THIS.

>> WITH ME TONIGHT EXCLUSIVELYNOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT EVEN

THREE BUT FOUR SANTAS.

HO, HO, HO.

>> HO, HO, HO.

>> ONE BLACK, ONE LATINO ANDONE FILIPINO.

>> Stephen: ONE BLACK, ONELATINO AND ONE FILIPINO

SANTA THAT REMINDED HE ME OFA GREAT JOKE I CAN ONLY TELL

TO A WHITE SANTA.

(LAUGHTER)BUT FOLKS, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

(APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M SORRY, MA'AM, BUT THAT'SNOT MY BOOT.

BUT FOLKS, THERE'S AN EVENGREATER DANGER THAN SANTA

BEING FROM THE WRONG RACE.

HE MIGHT BE FROM THE MASTERRACE.

BECAUSE GERMANY HAS LAIDCLAIM TO FATHER CHRISTMAS

ARGUING THAT HE HAS GERMANORIGINS AND IS IN DANGER OF

BEING SIDELINED BY AMERICA'SSANTA CLAUS.

WOW.

OH, OH, OH, GERMANY GOINGAFTER SANTA?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE DIDN'TLEARN THEIR LESSON ABOUT

INVADING THE POLES.

FOLKS, I TELL YOU, I TELLYOU WHAT RIGHT NOW, FOLKS--

(APPLAUSE)THESE SCROOGE

McDEUTSCHELANDERS CLAIM THATFATHER CHRISTMAS WAS BORN IN

THE MID 19th CENTURY WHEN AMUNICH MAGAZINE PUBLISHED A

MACK OF A GRIM LOOKING MANIN A HOODED COAT CARRYING A

CHRISTMAS TREE THROUGH THESNOW.

BAD NEWS, GERMANY, THAT'SNOT A BELOVED CHRISTMAS

SYMBOL, THAT'S JUST AHOMELESS GUY, OKAY.

HE THINKS THE TREE IS HISWIFE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT EVIDENTLY FATHER

CHRISTMAS IS WHITE, SO HECOULD COME UP WITH SANTA

CLAUS FORMING A KIND OF AXIS

FOR MORE ON THIS CHRISTMASCULTURE WAR PLEASE WELCOME

GERMANY'S AMBASSADOR TO THEUNITED NATIONS, THE

HONORABLE HINES BEINHOLZ,THANK YOU, MR. AMBASSADOR.

THANK YOU MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: PLEASE, NOW, NOW

MR. AMBASSADOR, THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR JOINING US.

TELL ME, WHO, TO THE GERMANPEOPLE WHO IS FATHER

CHRISTMAS?

>> FATHER CHRISTMAS IS AINVESTIGATE A BOND,.

HE'S ONLY-- NEVER FROM ITSROOTS.

SLOWLY des KATING, FOREVER ABURDEN LIKE CHILDREN.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: JUST TO BE CLEAR,

JUST TO BE CLEAR, GERMAN'SLOVE HIM, RIGHT.

>> YES.

AS BLEAK WINTER DESCENDSLIKE A SHREWD OVER GERMANY

HIS GIVES THE ONLYDISTRACTION FROM THE

HOVERING DARKNESS.

ITS WHOLE OF OBLIVIONFOREVER LICKING AT OUR DOORS

WITH HIS ETERNAL TONGUEUNTIL WE BECOME TOO WEAK TO

FIGHT.

AND LIE DOWN TO BE TAKEN BYTHE COLD EMBRACE OF THE SNOW.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: OKAY, HANDS,

IT'S CHRISTMAS, LET'S KEEPIT LIGHT, LET'S KEEP IT

LIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

>> OH, WOULD YOU CARE FOR ACANDIED CANE?

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH, THAT'S NICE.

>> IT REPRESENTS THEEMOTIONAL CRUTCH OF THE

SEASON'S EMPTY FRIVOLITY,EACH CHIP A PROPOSING OF THE

ALL BOX IN WHICH WE WILL ALLBE WRAPPED, A GIFT ONLY TO

THE WORMS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THAT'S ABOUT ALL

WE HAVE TIME FOR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> OH, LOOK, WE ARE UNDERTHE MISTLE TOE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I-- I SEE THAT

WE ARE.

>> IT'S BERRIES OF POISONLIKE HOPE.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, MERRYCHRISTMAS, AMBASSADOR, THANK

YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

>> TODAY JOY TO DEUTSCHELAND,TOMORROW JOY TO THE WORLD.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU

SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, I MEESE TONIGHT

IS KEENOFF-- KEANU REEVES,PLEASE WELCOME KEANU REEVES.

IS KEENOFF-- KEANU REEVES,PLEASE WELCOME KEANU REEVES.

KONICHIWA.

>> KONICHIWA-- BRARKSPEAKING JAPANESE (.

>> Stephen: IT'S SOWONDERFUL TO MEET YOU AND BE

ANGRY WITH YOU IN PERSON.

THE THREE THINGS THAT PISSME OFF.

YOU'RE A CANADIAN.

YOU'RE AN ACKER.

IF YOU TELL ME ARE YOU AVEGAN I'M KITTING OFF YOUR

MIKE RIGHT NOW, NO, YOU'RENOT, OKAY.

ALSO YOU'RE 49 AND I'M 49.

YOU GO TO HELL.

(LAUGHTER)ARE YOU AN ELF?

WHAT IS WITH YOU.

>> IT DOESN'T COUNT WHAT ISON THE OUTSIDE ALL THE TIME,

IT'S WHAT IS INSIDE.

>> Stephen: PLEASE TELL METHIS HAS TO DO WITH EATING

BACON.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

NO, I CAN'T SAY ANYTHINGABOUT THAT.

IT IS MY ANCESTOR.

>> Stephen: OH, GOOD GENES.

>> GOOD GENES.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT,LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE TO

EXPLAIN ANYONE HERE WHOKEANU REEVES, NAME YOUR

FAVORITE MOVIE, QUICK, GO.

ALL OF THOSE, ALL OF THOSE.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW ONE NOW.

>> THAT IS WHAT IT FEELSLIKE TO ME.

>> Stephen: YOU WALK ON THESTREET AND PEOPLE JUST --

>> NO, NO, NOT LIKE THAT,JUST-- .

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE GOT ANEW MOVIE CALLED THE "47

RONIN".

>> "47 RONIN".

>> Stephen: I LOVE THISSTORY, IT WAS ONE OF THE

MOST PERFORMED JAPANESEPLAYS OF ALL TIME.

>> YES, IT IS.

>> Stephen: TELL THE GOODPEOPLE THE STORY OF THE 47

RONEN.

>> IN WHAT, 30 SECONDS.

OKAY.

>> Stephen: NO, I WILL DO ITIF YOU WANT.

>> YOU CAN?

>> Stephen: YOU CAN JUST GOBACK THERE AND WATCH.

>> NO-- SU HAVE DONE ENOUGHWORK V A DRINK OF WATER.

LET'S WATCH A CLIP OF THEMOVIE.

>> THANK YOU, SIR.

>> THANK YOU, SIR.

>> (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: SO, I ASSUMEIT'S A BIT OF A CHICK FLICK.

>> YEAH, IT IS, ACTUALLY.

THERE'S A BIG LOVE,IMPOSSIBLE LOVE.

>> Jon: THAT GUY IS LOOKINGAT YOU, THE GUY LOOKING,

HE'S LOOKING AT YOU LIKE HEIS THE ONE, ARE YOU THE ONE?

ARE YOU THE ONE IN THIS ONE?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: HE'S NOT.

>> I'M A PART OF A GROUP.

>> Stephen: HOW MANY ARE INTHE GROUP?

>> THERE'S 47.

>> Stephen: .

>> THERE THERE IS ALSO APRINCESS AS WELL FIGHTING

FOR HER HOME AS WELL.

>> Stephen: BESIDES BEING INGUY THAT OF LOOKS TO IN

THESE MOVIES TO BE THE ONE,YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN

UNIQUENESS IN YOUR OWN LIFE.

YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTARAND YOU DON'T LIVE THE

HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTAR LIFE.

WHY ARE YOU SO LOW KEY ANDLAID BACKMENT SHOULDN'T YOU

BE OUT THERE RIDING A WHITETIGER KNEE DEEP IN HOOKERS

AND BLOW?

WHAT IS THE USE OF BEING ASUPERSTAR IF YOU CAN'T ACT

CRAZY.

>> -- I DON'T KNOW, NO,I-- YOU KNOW, I KIND OF, I

DON'T GET OUT MUCH, JUSTKIND OF LOW KEY LIKE YOU SAY,

WORK ON WORKING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: IT'S ACTUALLY

QUIET.

>> YEAH, SURE.

>> AND THEN WE CAN LOOK UP.

>> Stephen: YOU WANT QUIET.

>> IT'S NOT EASY S IT.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

>> Stephen: YOU'LL LEARN,YOU'LL LEARN.

YOU'LL LEARN YOUNG KEANU.

>> BUT MAYBE I DID THAT ONPURPOSE.

>> Stephen: NOW THE STUDENTHAS BECOME THE MASTER.

YOU ARE NOT ONLY AN ACTORBUT A MUSICIAN AND NOW

YOU'RE A DIRECTOR.

YOU'RE DIRECTOR MAN OF TIECHI.

AND ALSO IN MAN OF TIE CHI.

>> I AM, WAS.

>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TOHAVE SEX WITH THE DIRECTOR

TO GET THAT PART?

>> NO COMMENT.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY TOTAKE SOME OF TIME ASKING

THESE QUESTIONS BUT I WANTTO DIGEST WHAT YOU ARE

SAYING IN THE SPEED IN WHICHYOU'RE TELLING ME.

AND I DON'T MEAN THAT PERJOR DIFFICULTLY.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: I ACTUALLY WANTTO UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE ALSO A MEAN.

>> I HAVE BEEN A MEAN.

>> Stephen: SAD KEANU.

>> EVERYBODY KNOWS,EVERYBODY LOVES THAT KEANU.

ARE YOU SAD?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: IS THIS HAPPY?

>> I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE HAPPY TOBE HERE.

YOU CAN SHOW ME, CAN YOUSHOW MOO THAT, WOULD YOU

MINE IF I ASKED YOU AS ANARTIST TO SHOW YOU SAD.

>> NOBODY, NOT AT ALL.

WHAT KIND OF SAD JOO KEANUSAD.

>> WELL, THERE'S LOTS OFDIFFERENT KINDS OF KEANU

SAD.

>> Stephen: LOSS OF A LOVEDONE.

>> OH, GOSH, THAT'S HEAVY.

WOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I CANDO THAT ONE.

>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT LOSSOF A CELL PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)>> I'LL DIAL IT WAY BACK,

I'LL DIAL IT WAY BACK.

>> OKAY, BUT THEN I HAVE TODO LOSS OF A CELL PHONE BUT

HOW ABOUT IF JUSTMELANCHOLIA WHERE.

>> Stephen: OKAY,MELANCHOLIA.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

A WARM MEMORY, A WARM MEMORY,WARM MEMORY.

>> GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.

>> OKAY ALL RIGHT.

YOU FOUND YOUR YOUR CELLPHONE.

>> Stephen: I TOTALLYBELIEVED THAT.

KEANU REEVES, THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR JOINING ME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

KEANU REEVES.

THE "47 RONIN".

WE SHALL RETURN.

KEANU.

>> Stephen: THAT'S OUR SHOW,EVERYBODY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org