Bender's Big Score Pt. 2

  • Season 5, Ep 2
  • 03/23/2008

Alien scam artists task Bender with time-traveling thievery and the ultimate betrayal.

[theme music playing]

♪ ♪

Stand back, you wingwangs.

I'm gonna try outthis time sphere

with a quick test-driveto yesterday.

Bushwa! You can't gomucking about in the past

without creating paradoxes.

I'm afraid he can.

It's a paradox-correctingtime code.

It all works perfectly,

except when it rips openthe universe!

[muffled]:Don't do it, I beg you!

Yesterday, please.

And make it snappy!

[awed murmurs][door whooshes open]


Say, what the...That's weird.

There was one,

but now there's two.

Nothing gets pastyou, eagle eye.

I went backto last night

and met the "me" ofthat time for a drink.

One thing ledto another,

and we ended upat my place.

Or should I say our place?

[kissing sounds]


Oh, come on,you bunch of prudes!

This isn't merely revolting,

it's impossible to boot.

I know a paradox when I see one.

[bolt clinks]


Oh![glass shatters]

Ah, paradox resolved.

Someone get a mop!

[vehicles whooshing]

[doorbell chimes]

[door whooshes]

You're looking well, Pops.

How can you look me in theeye-and-eye and say that?

I'm nothing but a brain,

a useless filthy brain!

You forgotlice-infested.

I didn't forget.I just chose not to--[gasps]

Barbados Slim?

[menacing tones plays]

What are you doing here?

Is there something going onbetween you two?

I'm sorry, Hermes.

But look at Barbados.

You can't argue withthose luscious pecs.

No, I can't.

But I can ask him to stopwiggling them in my face.

I'm not wiggling 'em.

They do that by themselves.

I think I'll goback in time

and steal the Liberty Bellbefore it cracked.

Or is the crackthe valuable part?

I don't know,you naked crook!

We havea problem, Nudar.

It's a one-way time code.

It can take us to the past,

but it can't bring us backto the present!

[eagerly]Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let me do the stealing.

I'll go to the past

and snatch everythingI can get my greasy mitts on.

Then, as a robot, I can justwait it out for a few centuries

in the limestone cavernbeneath this building.

Oh, it'll beever so much fun!

Hey, that's perfect.

We sit back and let dum-dumhere do the stealing!

Dum-dum away!

[antenna clicks, whooshes]Zero-zero-one-one...

[speaking coderapidly][gasps]

Yup![sphere whooshes]

[door creaks open]

[gasps]The Mona Lisa!

Sorry, it'snot quite finished.

Da Vinci give youany trouble?

Let's just say he may notmake it to the Last Supper.



Time travel isimpossible.

But, Professor,you time-traveled yourself.

Remember, when wewent back to Roswell?

That proves nothing.

And, furthermore, you'd thinkI'd remember a thing like that.

Plus, who areyou, anyway?

Man, this is fun on a bun!

Here I go again!

Oh, no, you don't![speaking code rapidly]

[time sphere whooshes]

[wind howling]

[whooshes][confused murmurs]

Scarab, forearm, bird-bird-bird!


[door creaks]Boo!

[Bender cackles]

Nah, it's just me, Bender.

I must tell you, Hedonismbot,I hate to sell

my Doomsday Devicesto a private collector.

But with my business stolen,I have to make ends meet.

You will be careful?

I shan't touch them

till I've had Jambi lockthe absinthe and ether away.

Oh! What doesthis one do?

Uh, that one killseverything everywhere.

How delightful.[glass shatters]

And this one?[beeping]

Sir, the Spheroboomis not for sale.

[cuff clicks]

It's my sentimental favorite.

[moans] No need to explain.

I too have knownunconventional love.

Perhaps you and I and Jambicould get together

and compare notes sometime, eh?

Resulting in peace betweenEast and West Coast rappers--

[loud crash]Good God!

I accept this Nobel Peace Prizenot just for myself

but for crime robots everywhere.Skoal!

[cheers and applause]

[rapid gunfire]

[Bender grunts]

Not so neutral now,are you, Sweden?


[high-pitched whirring]

[Bender cackles evillyin distance]

Be honest with me.

Does my eyelook monstery?

I don't want to look monsteryfor my date with Lars.

At least a monster has a body.

What I wouldn't givefor Wolfman's torso

or any of the groovy ghoulies.

Ooh! I think I'll wearthat slutty dress

I've been savingfor Easter.

I'd like to punch Lars

right in his ruggedlygood-looking face.

[snoring loudly]

Like all rich people,

we're gonna need weaponsto shoot poor people.

In self-defense?Yes, that too.

Bender, go stealthat Doomsday device

chained tothe Professor's wrist.


[cackles]I'm kidding!

You guys know I haveto do whatever you say.

Here, swap thisfor the real one.

Ah! The old switcheroo.

Yes, but don'twake him.

You'll need jeweler's toolsand foot-cup silencers.

Hey! I don't tell youhow to tell me what to do.

So don't tell me how to dowhat you tell me to do.

Bender knowswhen to use finesse.

[door whooshes]Here you go.

Put it in the safe, Clanky.

[glass shatters] Zoidberg: Ow!


Zoidberg: It's the damndest thing.

There I was in the Dumpster,enjoying a moldy fudgsicle,

when suddenly your hand fliesover and slaps me in the tuchus.

Yes, well,these things happen.

Fortunately, the Spheroboomis still safe.

[menacing tones play]

Scammed? Me?

"Sweetheart"?[grunts furiously]

[chest clangs shut][sneaky chuckling]

You do a nice hand job,Zoidberg.

Tell me, if I could findan undamaged body,

could you recapitate me?

Hermes, I'm a surgeon.

When I see two body parts,

I sew them togetherand see what happens.


All I'm asking isfor you to go back in time

to when I still had my bodyand bring it back for me.

What do I dowith your old head?

I don't care in the slightest.

Can do!


Come on, man!

Hermes, please!

You can't hurry a delicateoperation like this.

[Hermes grunting]

[groaning, bones cracking]

[relieved sigh]

What are those?

You incompetent crab!

I thought you were happy.

Your tail is wagging.



[grunting angrily]

I believe this paradoxicalityequation to be unsolvable;

ergo, time travel is impossible.

But I can't quite prove it,Bubblegum.

Perhaps youand your razzle-dazzle

Globetrottercalculus could...

Looks pretty damn solvableto me, Farnsy.

Sweet Clyde, use variationof parameters

and expand the Wronskian.

[whistling Globetrotter theme]

♪ ♪

Shizz, baby.

So paradox-free time travelis possible after all.

Right on. But digthis multiplicand here.

The "doom field?"

That must bewhat corrects the paradoxes.

But that mama risesexponentially.

It could rupture the veryfabric of causality.

That's what I've beentrying to tell you.

[pained yelp]Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo,woo-woo-woo-woo!

[Hermes groans, pants]

Hermes! You got yourbody back. Hoorah!

Yes, Bender went back in timeand picked up a copy.

A copy? Funky Cold Medina!

According to this equation,a time-travel duplicate results

in a complex denominatorin the causality ratio.

Aw, snap! You knowwhat that means.

I can guess.

Actually, I can't guess.

Prof, you gota doom meter in this lab?


Good Lord, Bubblegum!

The duplicate bodyis emitting doom

at ten timesthe background level!

I thought as much.

A duplicate bodyis always doomed.

It's just a matter of time.

I don't care.

I just need it long enoughto bird-dog in

and win LaBarbara back.

Best bird-dog fast,my brother.

That's the wayI bird-dog best.

[piano music plays]


Drink, quick!I can't balance it much longer.

Wait, I--[gulps]


Oh, this isso much fun, Lars.

Most men are intimidatedby the fact

that I could kill themwith a flick of my wrist.

Well, not me,'cause if you do,

you'll be stuckwith the check.

[both chuckle]

Folks, you care for a littlefresh ground executive?


[romantic music plays]

♪ ♪

Don't get excited, kids.

This thing's gotheart-shaped nostrils.

Want to see it make a star?


♪ ♪


[smooching sound]


Here's your Gutenberg Bible,

masters, plus theColonel's secret recipe.

Chicken, grease, salt.Well...

that does it.

We've got every valuableobject in history.


Hmm, now that I'm rich,

I suddenly care ifthe universe gets destroyed.

We can't use thatdangerous time code again.

Blank itfrom the robot's memory.


I'll vaporize this guy

so his ass doesn't fallinto the wrong hands.


Stupid naked aliens.[ray guns firing]

Stupid Lars.

I hate the future.


[ray guns firing, Fry gasps]

Man, that cube root wasa real buzzer-beater, Clyde.

[panting]Zero, one, one,

one, zero, zero, one, one!

Blast him.

[groans, grunts]

Hello, 2000.

I'm home.

man: Happy New Year, naked weirdo!

Happy New Year.

[zips pants]

[siren wailing]

Well, we'll never knowwhere the ass guy went,

and since we can't kill him,I say live and let live.

Aw, that'ssweet, boss.

Fry'll be nice and cozyback in the year 2000.

What? How do you knowhe went to the year 2000?

That's where he always goes.

Hmm, better play it safe.

Go there a little earlierand wait for him.

You know what to do.

You want me toconcludify him

like some sort ofdispatcherator?

Yes, and don't forgetto terminate him.

Got it.

Preparingto terminate Philip Fry.

What's withthe doofy sunglasses?

It's really brightin the past.

[speaking code rapidly]

Okay, Fry.

Come to Papa.

Man, I'm bored.



Hey, there you are.

Oh, wait.

That's Fry before he goesto the future.

I'm waiting for the onewho comes back from the future.

Sheesh, this is confusing.

And I bet it's goingto get a lot more confusing.

[liquid sloshing]

Ooh, that cheap beerreally goes right through you.

For the first time ever,I got to use the bathroom,

but if I leave,I might miss Fry.


[speaking code rapidly]

And I bet it's goingto get a lot more confusing.

[startled grunting]

Hi, I'm you from 19 secondsin the future.

Uh, stay here and wait for Frywhile I go to the bathroom.

Okay, boss.

[muttering]After I killFry, you're next.


What the...Who are you?

I'm Bender from way at the end.

I came back to put thisrub-on time code on Fry's ass.

So what areou now,a butler?

Pfft. Spot of tea,please, jerkwad.

It's calledclass, you yokel.

Now, if you'll excuse me,I have a buttocks to tattoo.


Hello, 2000.

I'm home.

man: Happy New Year, naked weirdo.

Happy New Year.

[zips pants]


Hasta la vista, meatbag.

Bender?W-what are you doing?

It's me, your best friend.





Badly...want to...urinate.


What's happening?

Are you urinating?

Enteringauto-destruct sequence.

Aw, crap,I hate auto-destruct sequence.

[ticking]Explosion in seven...six...

[both grunting]

It'll be a cold dayin hell, my friend.

Five...hey, I'm supposed to bethe one saying cool things.


[elevator bell dings]Hey!


So the gameof cat and mouse begins, huh?

Oh, how am I supposedto find him?

All those timeshe blabbed on and on

about his lifein the 20th century--

if only I had paidthe slightest bit of attention.

Oh, well,guess I'd better go kill myself.

[revelers cheering]

Hello, bartender?

I have thought it over,and far from being a fat pig,

you are very nice, andI would like another drink.

Take a barf, drunky.

Okay, suicide booth,give me your best shot.

Electrocution, please,side order of poison.

What the...

"Local calls 50 cents"?


It's a street cornertelephone parlor.

Aw, what kind of horriblesuicide-free time is this?

Wait a minute.

Maybe this handy encyclopediaof humans

will help me track Fry down.


Fry, Fry, Fry.

Hmm, one of these Frysmust be Fry.

Look out, Philip Fry, 'causeI got a little present for you.

My name is Philip Fry.

Where's my present?

Hang on a second, Fry.

I don't rememberyou being that ugly.

No, no,I've always been this ugly.

Hmm, let me see your ass.

No tattoo.

Okay, you can go.

Farewell, sir.




Say your prayers, Fry.

This isn't Fry.

I kicked Fry outtwo hours ago.

This is my newboyfriend, uh...


Really? That'sa dumb name, ew.

Let me see your ass,Constantine.

Ooh, nice.

Now I seewhy she left Fry.

[doorbell rings]



Okay,you're still clean.

I mean,metaphorically.

He must have left the city.

Man, this could take all day.

You guys wouldn't know a chadif it was taped to your...

The returns arelooking good, Mr. Gore.

Thanks, Phil.

Here's to four yearsof clean air, clean government,

and amazing new technologiessuch as the...


Philip Fry?



[all screaming]

announcer:12 years passed.


[laughterand indistinct talking]

[man grunts]

Philip J. Fry?

Phil, some kind of trashcan here to see you.

He's coming.

Are you made of Tinker toy?

Hmm, it's been 12 years.

Maybe I'm getting taller.

You're notgetting smarter.

Listen, pip-squeak,are you Philip J. Fry or not?

'Cause if you are,I'm here to kill you.

I'd like to see you try.

[screams]You want Uncle Phil.

He went to the North Poleon a fishy boat.

Aw, the North Pole!

I was just there.

One ticketto the North Pole, please,

broom closet class.



If only I could be sure.

It is Fry.

I'd recognize me,and hence him, anywhere.


Follow that guy.

There's an extra hundredin it for you

if you follow him so closelythat you run him over.

Yes, sir.

[tires screeching]

[Gore and Bender yelling]

[horn honks]

[both yelling]

[yelling stops]

[yelling resumes]

[Bender screaming]

Dang, that hundred dollarscould have bought me...

one gallon of gas.

[dog gruntinghappily]

[Bender screaming]

[Bender grunts loudly,dog whimpers]


Oh, I lost him.

People will call me a failure.

[window opening]

Others, however,

will call me the world'ssexiest killing machine,

who's fun at parties.

Fry, old buddy.

It's me, Bender.

[dog grunting inquisitively]


I totally killed him!



Oh, God, what have I done?