Baby Not from Booty

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 10/05/2011

Nick brainstorms new Jack Daniels slogans and practices safe zombie sex.

BUT THE MOTIVATION IS HARD.

AND YOU WANT TO HAVE SERIOUS DEFINITION

BUT ALSO HAVE IT BE ENJOYABLE.

SOUND IMPOSSIBLE?

REMEMBER WHENYOU HIT PUBERTY,

YOUR HORMONES RAGED

AND ALL YOU WANTED TO DO WASTRY AND SUCK YOUR OWN --?

BUT THEN YOU GOT OLDER,TRIED TO GET LAID

AND FORGOT ABOUT TRYINGTO SUCK YOUR OWN --?

WELL, WE'VE DECIDED TO BRINGTHAT MOTIVATION BACK WITH...

ALL YOU NEED ISTHIS RUBBER STRAP.

AND IT HELPS YOU TO RECOIL

AND THEN MAKEA THRUSTING MOTIONTOWARDS YOUR --.

KEEP WORKINGTHOSE ABS, GARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT'SAT THE FINISH LINE, BABY.

I SURE DO, MAN.

MY OWN --,MY OWN MOUTH

AND SOME SWEET ABS.( laughs )

AS YOU CAN SEE,THE BLOWING MOTION USES MUSCLES

THAT WE NEVER THOUGHTTO EXIST.

I MEANLOOK AT HOW RIPPED YOU GET.

AND THE FINAL GOAL ISYOUR BEST FRIEND--

YOUR OWN PENIS.WHAT CAN BE BETTER?

I'VE BEEN ABLETO SUCK MY OWN JUNKSINCE I WAS EIGHT.

- WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?- A GOOD QUESTION, BROTHER.

CHECK OUT THE T-BAG STRAP.

THIS PUSHES YOUR BODYPAST THE --

AND STRAIGHTTO THOSE FARAWAY BALLS.

TRY SLAM DUNKINGTHOSE IN YOUR MOUTH

AND WE'RE TALKINGAMAZING ABS.

- WORD?- WE EVEN HAVE ANOTHER LEVEL--

THE FART SNORTER.GET STRAIGHT TO THE HOLE...

( inhales deeply )AND SMELL THOSE FARTS.

I'LL STICKWITH THE BALLS.

I HEAR YA.FART SNORTING IS ADVANCED.

( muffled )I'M DOING IT!

- I'M SUCKING MY OWN --!- SCORE!

- ENJOY THOSE BEACH-READY ABS.- I WANNA SNORT FARTS!

YOU'RE GETTING TALKY, GARY!I'M THE FART SNORTER!

Announcer: "SUCK YOUR OWN -- ABS"

COMES WITH OPTIONAL T-BAG BELT AND FART-SNORTER CORD.

I WAS A CAT PERSON MY WHOLE LIFE.

- NOW I HATE THEM.- Man: YEAH!

SO THIS HAPPENED TO MEWITH MY MOM'S CAT.

SHE GOT A BRAND-NEW CAT.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"WARM UP TO HIM.

YOU JUST GOTTAGET TO KNOW HIM."

SO I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.SO I GO TO MY MOM'S HOUSE

AND SHE GOES TO BED--IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

SO I'M-- I'M GONNA SPENDSOME TIME WITH THIS CAT.

I'LL SHOW YOUA PICTURE OF HIM.

THIS IS HER CAT.HIS NAME IS NICKEL.

- Woman: AWW.- YEAH, DON'T -- SAY "AW."

OKAY?JUST WAIT.

I KNOW HE LOOKS GREATRIGHT NOW.

HE LOOKS SO NICE.

SO IT'S 2:00IN THE MORNING.

I'M LYING ON THE CARPETOF MY MOM'S APARTMENTON THE FLOOR.

AND THE CAT'S NEXT TO MELYING DOWN PARALLEL.

I'M HAVINGA NICE MOMENT.

I'M PETTING THIS THING.AND OUT OF NOWHERE

THE CAT JUST GOES BAT--.

AND HE DOESTHAT WEIRD CAT THING

WHERE HE DOESTHAT GROWL--

WHERE IT'S LIKE...( throaty growl )

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT THE --?"

THEN HE DOES THE CLASSIC--( hisses )

THAT HISS AND THAT'S LIKE,"SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN."

SO HE ATTACKS ME...( mimics cat screech )

...FULL-ON.I'M IN BOXERSHORTSAND LIKE A T-SHIRT

AND HE JUST GOES AFTER MEAND STARTS CLAWING MY LEGS.

JUST...( screeches )

I'M FREAKING OUT.KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M TRYING TO GETTHIS CAT OFF ME.

I RUN INTO THE BATHROOM.

I'M A GROWN MAN,I'M HOLDING THE DOOR.

"OH MY GOD.WHAT DO I DO?"

THE CAT-- THIS ISHOW PSYCHO THEY ARE

AND THEY'RE SMART--IT'S A ONE-FLOOR APARTMENTAT MY MOM'S PLACE.

HE GOES AROUNDTHROUGH THE OTHER SIDEOF THE LIVING ROOM,

THEN THROUGH MY BEDROOMTO THE OTHER DOOR

OF THE BATHROOMBEHIND ME.

I SWEAR TO GOD,I'M SITTING THERE AND I JUST HEAR...

( throaty growl )

I WAS LIKE,"NO-O-O-O."

THE CAT'S LIKE...( screeches )

ROUND 2OF CAT VERSUS LEG.

MAULED!

AWFUL. I LOCK HIMIN THE BATHROOM,

SHUT HIM IN,GO TO SLEEP.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD,THAT WAS CRAZY."

SO I GO AND I WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

AND I WALK OUTINTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MY MOM'S IN THE KITCHENMAKING BREAKFAST.

AND THE CAT'SON THE COUCH,

SITTING THERE SO COCKYLIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE,"HEY MAN, GOOD MORNING."

I WAS, LIKE, SO READYTO JUST NARC THE CAT OUT.

I WAS SO PSYCHED.I MEAN I HAVE ALL THESE SCARS.

AND I GO, "MOM!"

SHE'S LIKE,"WHAT? OH MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOUR LEGS?"

AND I GO,"WHAT HAPPENED?YOUR -- CAT.

THAT CAT ATTACKED ME,MAULED ME LAST NIGHT."

I SWEAR TO GOD, MY MOTHER--MY OWN MOTHER,

KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE--

SHE GOES LIKE THIS,SHE GOES,

"NO, YOU DID THAT,"

GOES BACKTO MAKING BREAKFAST.

I DID THAT?!WHAT THE --?!

LIKE, WHAT?IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

I JUST TOOK A FORK,LIKE "I'M GONNA FRAMETHIS -- CAT."

( screams )

JUST -- RAKEDMY OWN LEGS?

-- CAT.

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