CC Presents: Myq Kaplan

  • Season 14, Ep 22
  • 01/11/2010

ACTUALLY, I PERFORM

AT A LOT OF ENGINEERING SCHOOLS.

I GO IN, I'M LIKE,"WHERE THE LADIES AT?"

THEY'RE LIKE,"AT ANOTHER SCHOOL!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WE HAVE ONE HERE, BUT WE BUILTHER OUT OF ROBOT PARTS.

WE DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO HER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WOMEN ASK ME OUT ALL THE TIME,ACTUALLY,

BEFORE THEY'VE HEARDMY NASALLY, ROBOTIC VOICE.

AND THEN IT'S TOO LATE.HA HA.

BUT THIS ONE WOMANSAID TO ME ONCE, SHE SAID,

"YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR COFFEEOR DRINKS?"

I WAS LIKE, "COFFEE IS A DRINK."

BAM! SHE LEFT.SO...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AW.

THAT ONE TURNED INTOA LITTLE DANCE.

THE POINT IS, I DON'T WANT TOGO OUT WITH SOMEBODY

WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTANDTHE SET/SUBSET RELATIONSHIP.

LIKE WHAT'S NEXT?

"YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SQUARESOR RECTANGLES?

GET OUT OF HERE, LADY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANOTHER WOMAN SAID TO ME ONCE,

"YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT,YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY TONIGHT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PLAYING YOURCARDS RIGHT SOUNDS LIKE SKILL --

THE OPPOSITE OF LUCK."

BAM! TWO DOWN!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE DATED WOMENOF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES,

FROM SKINNY TO RHOMBUS,

AND FROM INFINITYDOWN TO NEGATIVE INFINITY.

THAT'S WHENSHE'S NOT EVEN THERE.

HAPPENS A LOT.

POINT IS -- YOU KNOW,

THE BEST PARTABOUT DATING SOMEBODY

WHO IS OVERWEIGHTIS IF IT'S LONG DISTANCE,

THE DISTANCEIS SLIGHTLY LESS LONG.

AND GRAVITYPULLS YOU EVEN CLOSER.

SO SCIENCE REALLY WORKING FORYOU, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

I HAVE DATED SKINNY WOMEN, TOO.

I DATED --TOO SKINNY, WOMEN TOO SKINNY.

THIS WOMAN WEIGHEDLIKE 90 POUNDS SOAKING WET,

WHICH I KNOW 'CAUSE I WEIGHEDHER AFTER I DROWNED HER.

AND THAT IS A JOKE.

I DID NOT WEIGH HER, EVERYBODY.I DID NOT WEIGH HER.

'CAUSE THAT IS DISRESPECTFULEVEN POSTHUMOUSLY.

SHE TOOK THAT SECRETTO HER WATERY GRAVE.

SO...

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING, WHEREDID I LEARN ALL ABOUT WOMEN?

OBVIOUSLY, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATEWAS EXCELLENT WITH THEM.

HE WOULD ALWAYS PUT A SOCKON THE DOOR,

LET ME KNOW WHENHE'S HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL.

SO I WOULD ALWAYS PUTA CONDOM ON THE DOOR,

LET HIM KNOW WHENI'M JERKING OFF INTO A SOCK.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THAT'S A SOLID ONE, IS WHATI WOULD SAY ABOUT THE SOCK.

BACK WHEN I HADDIFFERENT GLASSES.

THESE ARE KICKIN', OBVIOUSLY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE --

THERE'S NO METAL IN THEM,SO I COULD FIGHT MAGNETO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND I'M ALSO A VEGETARIAN.

IT MEANS NOT A LOT OF IRONIN MY SYSTEM.

STRIKE TWO, MAGNETO.CAN'T CONTROL MY BLOOD.

ONE TOO MANY MAGNETO JOKES,PER USUAL.

HERE WE ARE.

BUT I'M ACTUALLY A VEGAN.

ANY OTHER DOUCHEBAGS HERE?ALL RIGHT. GOT ME.

BUT PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME I'MINTO OTHER KINDS OF ACTIVISM.

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN.

DO YOU CARE ABOUTTHE ENVIRONMENT?"

"NO.

I EAT THE ENVIRONMENT."

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.IT'S MADE OF VEGETABLES.

BEING VEGAN, PEOPLE DON'TUNDERSTAND THE VEGAN LIFESTYLE.

LIKE I TALKED TO A GUY,HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE A VEGAN?

SO YOU'RE LIKE A VEGAN VEGAN."

I WAS LIKE,"DON'T SAY IT A THIRD TIME,

"OR ANOTHER ONE WILL APPEAR!

"HE'LL GIVE YOU A VEGAN MINDMELD OR THE VEGAN DEATH GRIP,

"WHICH IS JUST A MASSAGE.

IT DOESN'T REALLY HURT."

THE POINT IS, YES,I READ COMIC BOOKS,

BUT I'M NOT, UH...

I DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM,I GUESS.

LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAID TO ME,"HEY, MYQ,

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT,THOR OR SUPERMAN?"

I'D SAY, "I DON'T KNOWWHO WOULD WIN THAT FIGHT,

"MY FRIENDLESS FRIEND,

"BUT I DO KNOW WHO WOULD WININ A FIGHT BETWEEN YOU

AND ANYONE YOUWENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH."

SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE POINT IS,THERE'S A SPECTRUM OF DORKERY,

FROM PEOPLE WHO USE WORDSLIKE "DORKERY"

TO THOSE WHO DO NOT.

AND I'M ABOUT AS TOUGHAS A JEW CAN BE, I THINK.

AND IF THERE'S ANY JEWS HERE

OR ANYWHERE IN THE WORLDTHAT WANT TO FIGHT ME,

SEE WHO IS THE "CHOSENEST"OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE

OR THE "KCHIGHLANDER,"IF YOU WILL.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU CAN'T ALL BE JEWS.

MAYBE YOU JUSTLIKE LAUGHING AT JEWS.

THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S SOMETHING WE ALL SHARE,I THINK.

JEWS ARE LIKE, "HA, JEWS!"

EVERYBODY ELSE IS LIKE,"HA HA. JEWS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THIS SHOW'S GOING WAY BETTERTHAN ONE I DID ONCE

WHERE THEY BROUGHT UPALL THE COMEDIANS TO MUSIC

THAT I GUESS THEY THOUGHT WASAPPROPRIATE TO OUR BACKGROUNDS.

LIKE THIS BLACK GENTLEMANWENT ON BEFORE ME,

WAS BROUGHT UP TO HIP-HOP,WHICH IS COOL.

I, BEING JEWISH, BROUGHT UP TO"THE PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME SONG.

AND I FOUND THAT OFFENSIVE,THOUGH NOT INACCURATE.

SO, I HAVE SOME IDEASFOR SOME TV SHOWS NOW.

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THE REALITYSHOWS 'CAUSE THEY'RE BORING.

I WISH THEY WOULD COMBINE SOME.

LIKE I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A SHOW

"KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGSWHEN ANIMALS ATTACK."

I LOVE KIDS GETTING ATTACKED,THAT'S ALL.

BUT THEY DO SAY SOME CUTE THINGSLIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

AND "WHERE'S MY MOM?WHERE ARE WE GOING?"

AND "CAN I HAVESOME MORE CANDY?"

"NO, BACK IN THE TRUNK."YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

I HAVE A NEW IDEAFOR A GAME SHOW

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE HIGH,

AND IT'S CALLED "CAN YOUREMEMBER WHAT YOU JUST SAW?"

THAT'S ACTUALLY THE BONUS ROUND.

ROUND ONE IS

"CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT'SIN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT NOW?

"OKAY, YOU GOT IT.WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT AWAY.

WHAT WAS IT?WE WILL NOT ACCEPT 'AWESOME.'"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HAVE YOU GUYSEVER SEEN A COMMERCIAL

AND YOU'RE NOT SURE WHETHERIT'S AN ANTI-DRUG COMMERCIAL

OR A PRO-MILITARY COMMERCIAL?

LIKE, "YOU'RE FLYING!THERE'S A DRAGON!

DON'T DO DRUGS.JOIN THE ARMY."

HUH?

THE ARMY SEEMS LIKEIT IS ON DRUGS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

SOME PEOPLE ARE CONCERNEDABOUT DRUGS.

THEY THINK THEY'LL LEADTO HARDER DRUGS.

IF YOU START WITH MARIJUANA,IT LEADS TO HEROIN.

HERE'S WHY I DON'T THINKTHAT'S TRUE --

'CAUSE THE ARGUMENT IS THIS,

"HEY, LOOK AT ALL THESEHEROIN USERS.

THEY ALL STARTED WITH POT.CASE CLOSED."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE POT USERS

THAT NEVER GO ONTO HEROIN?"

"OH, OUR CASE WAS CLOSED. WEDID NOT THINK OF THOSE PEOPLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE IF YOU USETHAT KIND OF LOGIC

IN OTHER SORTSOF PROBLEM SITUATIONS --

LIKE SEXUAL ASSAULTIS A PROBLEM.

LET'S LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE RAPISTS.

THEY ALL STARTED WITH KISSING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S GET RID OF KISSING.IT'S THE GATEWAY TO RAPE.

WELCOME TO SAUDI ARABIA,EVERYBODY. HERE WE ARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS NOT GOING OUT LIVETO SAUDI ARABIA.

DON'T WORRY, EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T MEANTO TRIVIALIZE RAPE IN ANY WAY.

I'M EDUCATED ABOUT IT.

AT MY COLLEGE, ACTUALLY,THE FIRST DAY I GOT THERE,

IN MY DORM, THERE'S A SIGN UP,HAD A PICTURE OF A BEER.

UNDERNEATH IT, IT SAID, "A LOTOF CAMPUS RAPE STARTS HERE."

I WAS LIKE,"I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS DORM.

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVEWHERE THE RAPE STARTS.

NOT AT ALL."

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS I'M PRETTY GREAT WITH WOMEN,LET'S SAY.

WHY NOT? YOU DON'T KNOW ME.HERE WE ARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MET THIS GIRL NAMED MEG.

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, SHORT FOR 'MEGAN'?"

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, 'MARGARET.'"

I WAS LIKE, "OH,I GUESS ALL THE LETTERS IN 'MEG'

ARE SOMEWHERE IN 'MARGARET.'"

ACTUALLY,I SPELL MY NAME M-Y-Q

TO BE, AS I SAY, EFFICIENT,OR, AS OTHERS SAY, "A [BLEEP]"

AND...

I THINK THAT PUTS THE "MOFO"IN "HOMOPHOBIC."

BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY WIN MEOVER WITH THEM AT ALL.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "M-Y-Q?

IS THAT THE NAMEYOU WERE BORN WITH?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, NOBODY'SBORN WITH A NAME AT ALL.

HA HA!I WIN! I'M ANNOYING!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

THEY'RE READING THINGS LIKE"THE DA VINCI CODE"

AND THE BIBLE, AND --

YEAH, I KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"THE DA VINCI CODE"MIGHT BE REAL.

FAIR ENOUGH, EVERYBODY.FAIR ENOUGH.

LIKE, WHATEVER YOUR RELIGION IS,THAT'S GREAT.

LIKE, I'M JEWISH.I'M NOT UBER-JEWISH.

I WILL USE GERMANTO DESCRIBE HOW JEWISH I AM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHATEVER YOUR RELIGION IS,THAT'S GREAT.

JUST DON'T THINKOTHER PEOPLE ARE SILLY

AND ANTAGONIZE THEMFOR THEIR BELIEFS, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE,"YOU GUYS DON'T EAT PORK?

"THAT'S WEIRD.

"WE DRINK THE BLOODOF OUR SAVIOR.

WE CALL IT 'JESUS-Y JUICE.'"

AND THEY GET SO RELIGIOUSLYEXTREME THAT THEY DENY REALITY.

THEY'RE LIKE,"GAY DOESN'T EXIST.

YOU DON'T SEE GAYIN THE NATURAL WORLD."

YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T SEEAS MUCH IN THE NATURAL WORLD?

ANGELS.

THOSE ARE HALF-HUMAN/HALF-BIRDCREATURES, EVERYBODY.

THE DEVIL IS HALF-MAN/HALF-GOAT.

I'VE SEEN GAYS MOREIS ALL I'M SAYING.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT THINKTHAT GAYS ARE THE ULTIMATE EVIL

AND THAT THE DEVIL'STHE ULTIMATE EVIL.

BUT THEY DON'T THINKTHE DEVIL IS GAY.

WHY NOT?

I MEAN, HE'S HORNY AND FLAMING.CLOSE ENOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I AM GAY-FRIENDLY, OR AS THEYCALLED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL, "GAY."

I LIKE WOMEN, BUT I ALSOLIKE SPEAKING INTELLIGENTLY.

I BELIEVE THAT'S THE CONFUSION

TO THE FOOTBALL PLAYERSAND SUCH.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "COMPLETESENTENCES COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

[BLEEP] MUST GO IN, YES."

SOME KIND OF WORD/GENITALEXCHANGE PROGRAM THEY'RE TAUGHT.

THE POINT IS I DON'T LIKETHE PHRASE "GAY-FRIENDLY."

MAKES ME"STRAIGHT-ANGRY," HONESTLY.

BECAUSE NO OTHER OPPRESSED GROUP

HAS THAT KIND OF LINGOTO DEAL WITH.

NOBODY'S EVER LIKE,"I'M BLACK-FRIENDLY,"

'CAUSE THAT SOUNDS RACIST,CLEARLY.

NOBODY'S EVER LIKE,"I AM JEW-FRIENDLY,"

'CAUSE NOBODY IS EVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THAT'S A SAD ONE.

[ SIGHS ]

THIS BIGOTRY IS GETTINGSO CONFUSING THESE DAYS.

LIKE IT USED TO, AT LEAST,MAKE LOGICAL SENSE.

IT WAS NEVER ETHICAL.

BUT, LIKE, BACK WHEN THE ISSUEWAS INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE,

OBVIOUSLY, PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"DON'T LET THE BLACK PEOPLEMARRY US.

"DON'T LET THEM MARRY US.

MAKE THEM MARRYEACH OTHER ONLY."

TODAY WITH GAY PEOPLE,THEY'RE LIKE,

"DON'T LET THEM MARRYEACH OTHER!

"MAKE THEM MARRY...

US?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I GUESS?"

"MAYBE MAKE THEMMARRY THE BLACKS.

BIGOTRY'S CONFUSING."

BUT MY GRANDMOTHER DOESN'TWANT ME TO MARRY A NON-JEW.

SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING THINGS LIKE,"YOU DON'T WANT YOUR KIDS

GROWING UP WEARING A CROSS,DO YOU?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I DOIF THEY'RE FIGHTING VAMPIRES.

"SO LET'S NOT RULE ANYTHING OUTFOR LITTLE BUFFY KAPLAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE JEWS HAVE HAD IT ROUGH.

LIKE I HAVE SOME DISTANT COUSINS

THAT GO SUCKED INTOONE OF THESE PYRAMID SCHEMES,

YOU KNOW,BUILDING THEM IN EGYPT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TOO SOON? OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I ALWAYS WONDER,

"WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEFORESCIENCE WAS SO ADVANCED?"

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE BACK WHEN --

ANCIENT GREEK TIMES, SAY,WHAT WAS SCI-FI LIKE?

WAS IT LIKE, "BEWARE...

"THE PULLEY AND THE LEVERAND THE INCLINED PLANE!

"THEY'RE GAINING AWARENESS!

IT'S 'TERMINATOR PART ZERO:RISE OF THE SIMPLE MACHINES.'"

THAT ONE TAKES A LOT OF DORKYKNOWLEDGE TO GET EVERYTHING.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.THANK YOU.

I WAS ON A BUSREADING A COMIC BOOK.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? YES.

I WAS SITTING NEXT TO A GIRLREADING A NON-COMIC BOOK,

A TRAGIC BOOK,YOU MIGHT CALL IT A BOOK.

AND I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU READING?"

SHE SAID, "THE BIBLE."

I SAID, "I'VE HEARD OF IT."SMOOTH. I'M IN.

SO SHE SAYS,"WHAT ARE YOU READING?"

I SAID, "OH, IT'S 'THE PUNISHER'BY MARVEL COMICS."

SHE SAYS, "I HAVEN'T HEARDOF THAT. WHAT'S IT ABOUT?"

I SAY, "IT'S A GUY WHO KILLSPEOPLE OUT OF VENGEANCE,

KIND OF LIKE YOUR BOOK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SHE SAYS,"DO YOU HAVE A BIBLE?

HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE?"

AND I SAY, "NO, BUT I'D LOVE TOIF SOMEBODY GAVE ME ONE.

I LIKE READINGAND LEARNING AND BEING OPEN."

AND HER FACE LIGHTS UP.

SHE GIVES ME HER BOOK,AND SHE GETS OFF THE BUS.

SHE DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY TIMETO DO ANYTHING,

LIKE THANK HER

OR MAKE A SIZZLING NOISE WHENSHE HANDED IT TO ME OR ANYTHING.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HILARIOUS.I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.

THE POINT IS,SHE'S DOING A GOOD DEED.

SHE'S HAPPY.SHE'S BEING A GOOD CHRISTIAN.

I AM GETTING A BOOK FOR FREE.I'M HAPPY.

I'M BEING A GOOD JEW.

AND WE BOTH WIN AS LONG ASTHERE'S NO GOD FOR REAL, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLEHELP THESE DAYS, OBVIOUSLY AND

THAT'S WHY I DON'T TALK TO THECROWD AND MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE.

THERE'S SOME COMEDIANS WHO'DBE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

THEY TRY TO MAKE FUNOF YOUR SHIRT, CALL YOU "GAY."

I'M NOT DOING THAT, EVERYBODY.

BECAUSE YOU CAN GET INTO TROUBLEWITH THOSE QUESTIONS

IN, LIKE,THIS QUESTIONABLE ECONOMY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"I DON'T REALLYDO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST COME OUT

"AND TRY TO FORGET MY TROUBLES,YOU KNOW?

JUST KIND OF LAUGH THE TEARSAWAY FOR A LITTLE BIT."

"ALL RIGHT, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?"

"I'M ACTUALLY HOMELESSRIGHT NOW.

I DON'T EVEN REALLYHAVE A HOME."

"NICE SHIRT!"

"IT'S THE ONLY ONE I HAVE.I DON'T HAVE OTHER CLOTHING."

"WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?"

"I GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO PAYTHE BILLS. I DON'T HAVE..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE GAY PEOPLE.

MY WIFE IS GAY.

SHE IS HALF-GAY/HALF-JEWISH,SO MY GRANDMOTHER IS HAPPY.

AND WE HAVEAN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

IT IS VERY OPEN.IT'S A DIVORCE.

SO...

NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

50% OF MARRIAGES IN THIS COUNTRYEND IN DIVORCE.

50%. THAT'S ONEOUT OF EVERY TWO PEOPLE.

SO IT'S EITHER GONNA BE YOUOR YOUR WIFE.

AND...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WITH US, IT WAS BOTH, SOME SORTOF STATISTICAL ANOMALY, I GUESS.

BUT MY WIFE AND IDID THE JEWISH DIVORCE CUSTOM

WHERE WE TOOK A BROKEN GLASS,AND WE PUT IT BACK TOGETHER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,EVERYBODY.

LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ROUNDOF APPLAUSE WHEN I'M DONE.

THANK YOU.

YOU GUYS SEEM SMART.THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

DO YOU GUYS EVER GETINTO A CONVERSATION

WITH SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T?

THEY START ASKING YOU QUESTIONS

ABOUT A STORYTHAT THEY'RE TELLING YOU?

THEY'RE LIKE, "RIGHT?

RIGHT?"

LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO YOUFOR CONFIRMATION OF FACTS

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS GUY,

HE WAS LIKE, "SO,I'M BANGING THIS CHICK, RIGHT?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PROBABLY NOT.

RIGHT?"

YOU'RE NOT ENCOURAGEDTO BE SMART GROWING UP.

LIKE THERE ARE BULLIESAND KIDS CAN BE LIKE,

"HEY, I'LL KNOCK THE BOOKSOUT OF YOUR HANDS.

NOW NEITHER OF US CAN READ."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ, THOUGH,

'CAUSE EVERY BOOK'SMADE INTO A MOVIE.

YOU SHOULD GO SEE THE MOVIE.YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ A BOOK.

BUT BOOK PEOPLEARE GETTING SMART.

THEY'RE CALLED AUTHORS --BOOK PEOPLE.

THEY'LL RE-RELEASE THE BOOKWHEN A MOVIE COMES OUT,

PUT A PICTURE OF THE ACTORON THE COVER,

TRICK PEOPLE WHO LIKE MOVIESINTO BUYING THE BOOKS, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE "FIGHT CLUB"IS A MOVIE MADE OUT OF A BOOK.

THEY RE-RELEASED IT.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"OH, BRAD PITT'S IN THIS BOOK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SO FAR, JUST WORDS."

"'FIGHT CLUB.'

"THE FIRST RULE OF YOU SHOULDHAVE BEEN, 'DON'T BE A BOOK.'

I WILL FIGHT YOU, BOOK.'"

THEN THAT GUY FIGHTS THAT BOOK.

AND IT TURNS OUT IN THE END,THAT GUY IS THAT BOOK.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SORRY TO SPOIL THE BOOK FOR YOU.

WHO'S SEEN "FIGHT CLUB"?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S ENOUGH.

SOMETIMES PEOPLEGET REALLY EXCITED.

ONE TIME, I SAID,"WHO'S SEEN 'FIGHT CLUB'?"

THIS GUY WAS LIKE,"ED NORTON! BRAD PITT!"

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, THEY'VE PROBABLY SEEN IT.

TRUE."

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWERQUESTIONS LIKE THAT.

IF I WAS LIKE,"HEY, WHO LIKES DRINKING?"

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE,"AMY WINEHOUSE!

LINDSAY LOHAN!"

YOU DON'T HAVE TO NAMETHE STARS OF DRINKING.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE MOVIE"FINAL DESTINATION"?

IF YOU HAVEN'T, GREAT CHOICE.

BUT HERE'S ENOUGH INFORMATION

TO MAKE THIS HILARIOUSFOR EVERYBODY.

THE MOVIE IS ABOUT A BOYWHO GETS ON A PLANE.

THE PLANE TAKES OF,EXPLODES, EVERYBODY DIES.

BUT THEN THE BOY WAKES UP BEFORE THAT HAPPENED.

IT WAS A VISION OF THE FUTURE.

HE'S NOW ON THE PLANEBEFORE IT'S TAKEN OFF.

HE'S LIKE,"WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

THIS IS GONNA BLOW!"

SO THEY KICK HIM OFF THE PLANE,'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF YOU DID THAT IN REAL LIFE --SO FAR, VERY REALISTIC.

SO, HE'S OFF THE PLANE.

IT DOES TAKE OFF.IT DOES EXPLODE.

JUST LIKE HE SAW IN HIS VISION,HE CHEATED DEATH.

DEATH THEN HAUNTS HIM

AND FOLLOWS HIMFOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE,

WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOUCHEAT DEATH IN A CRAPPY MOVIE.

SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...I GET TO THE END OF THISHOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT A CRAPFEST."

THEN I WAKE UP IN THE THEATERBEFORE IT STARTED.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE,"WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

THIS IS GONNA BLOW!"

I LEAVE. IT HAUNTS METHE REST OF MY LIFE.

EVERY TIME I GET IN A PLANE,

THEY'RE LIKE, "TODAY'S MOVIEIS 'FINAL DESTINATION'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LEAVE, THE PLANE EXPLODES,ALSO THE THEATER EXPLODED.

I GOT TO STOP BRINGING BOMBSEVERYWHERE I GO, I GUESS.

THAT'S THE MORAL OF THAT ONE.

I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "BOOBIES."DISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN.

"BOOBIES"?

THEY SHOULD BE CALLED"YAY-BIES."

HOW ABOUT THAT, EVERYBODY?

WHY IS "BOO" IN ITWHEN THEY'RE AWESOME?

THEY SHOULD BE "YAY-BIES"OR "HOORAY-BIES"

OR "STANDING-O-VA-BIES,"YOU KNOW?

IF THEY'RE NOT PERFECT,THEY'RE STILL "OKAY-BIES."

THEY ARE NOT GREAT"PER-SE-BIES,"

BUT I'LL TOUCH THEM "MAY-BIES."

AND FEEL FREETO USE ANY OF THOSE.

I WOULD AVOID "HOORAY-BIES."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DISEASE,

SOME KIND OF HERPES/RABIES COMBO

THAT YOU GET WHEN A DOGBITES YOUR JUNK.

POINT IS,IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON

THAT THINKS THAT BOOBS --

OR "YAYBS,"AS YOU SHOULD CALL THEM --

ARE THE SEXIEST PARTOF A WOMAN'S BODY, I DISAGREE.

I BELIEVE THE SEXIEST PARTIS THE SKIN.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE SKIN,

I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH YOUAT ALL.

NO MATTER HOW BIG THEY ARE,EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT.

I TRY TO INSPIRE KIDS,EVERYBODY.

I TRY.

I TELL KIDS ALL THE TIME,"THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, KIDS."

AND THIS KID SAID TO ME ONCE,

HE'S LIKE,"I WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S TOO BAD.

"SKY IS THE LIMIT.

SKY IS THE LIMIT.

"LEARN SOME VOCABULARY BEFOREYOU TRY OUT FOR NASA THERE, KID.

YOU ARE A SMART KID."

SMART KIDS, THESE DAYS.

EVERYTHING'S SMART.TECHNOLOGY'S SMART.

I HAVE A CELLPHONETHAT CAN TAKE PICTURES.

YOU CAN HAVE A PICTURE POP UPWHEN SOMEBODY CALLS YOU,

SO YOU MIGHT PUT A PICTUREOF THE PERSON THAT'S CALLING

TO POP UP WHEN THEY CALL.

I DON'T DO THAT.

I PUT A PICTURE OF MY FACE

REACTING TO THE WAYTHAT PERSON MAKES ME FEEL.

YOU DON'T TAKEAS MANY PICTURES THAT WAY.

JUST ONE OF ME FROWNING.

I HATE PEOPLE.DON'T CALL ME, RIGHT?

I LOST MY CELLPHONE,AND THAT IS NERVE-RACKING.

YOU EVER LOST A CELLPHONE?

IT'S LIKE LOSING A CHILD...

OR NOT EXACTLY.

IT'S LIKE LOSING A CHILD

WHO HAD MEMORIZEDALL THE NAMES AND NUMBERS

OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

IT'S LIKE LOSINGAN AUTISTIC CHILD.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BEFORE YOU JUDGE, LET METELL YOU TWO QUICK THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, I RAN THAT ONEBY AN AUTISTIC KID.

HE SEEMED FINE WITH IT.

NUMBER TWO, A WOMAN ACTUALLYCAME UP TO ME AFTER A SHOW ONCE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND SAID,

"HEY, I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THATI WORK WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN,

"AND I LOVE THAT JOKE...

'CAUSE I HATE THOSE KIDS."

SO I'M NOT THE BAD GUY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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