Wednesday, February 25, 2015

  • 02/25/2015

Michael Ian Black, Clark Duke and Kumail Nanjiani come up with Disney-themed sex toys, #MakeASongBritish, tweet about the 19th century and list kosher strains of marijuana.

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

CONTINUING THEIR TRADITIONOF FEATURING ONLY THE

FIERCEST OF DIVAS, THEPRODUCERS OF "AMERICAN HORROR

STORY" HAVE CAST LADY GAGA ASTHE LEAD IN THE SHOW'S UPCOMING

FIFTH SEASON.

THIS MARKS GAGA'S FIRSTSTARRING ROLE IN SOMETHING

OTHER THAN PAT ROBERTSON'SNIGHTMARES.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THEYOUTUBE ANNOUNCEMENT

TOGETHER.

>> "AMERICAN HORROR STORY,"SEASON FIVE.

>> CHRIS: AHHH!

OH MY GOD, THAT'S A TERRIFYINGFONT.

THE DOTS ARE UNDER THE Os.

THAT WAS MAMA MONSTER WEARINGHER MOST ORNATE SLEEP APNEA

MASK.

NOW, YOU ARE YOU PROBABLYWONDERING HOW LADY GAGA COULD

EVER BE SCARY.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CLIP FROMHER FIRST EPISODE OF

"AMERICAN HORROR STORY: HOTEL"AND I THINK YOU WILL AGREE

IT'S THE MOST TERRIFYINGSEASON YET.

♪ CAN'T READ MY/ CAN'T REAY /NO HE CAN'T REAY MY POKER FACE♪

>> I SHOULD NEVER EVERINTRODUCED MY DAD TO LADY

GAGA.

>> CHRIS: THE NEW SEASON ISCALLED AMERICAN HORROR STORY

HOTEL.

PREVIOUSLY IT WAS ASYLUM, MTHENCOVEN, THEN FREAK SHOW, NOW IT'S

HOTEL. THAT IS SOME SERIOUSDEHEIGHTENING.

HOTEL?

WHAT'S AN EVEN MORE MUNDANESETTING FOR A SEAON THAN HOTEL.

CLARK DUKE.

>> "AMERICAN HORROR STORY:BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOVING ON --

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTHGOT A LITTLE HAPPIER OR

FAPPIER, THANKS TO THEENTERPRISING WEBSITE SHOPJEAN,

THE SITE KNOWN FOR ANYTHINGFROM SNARKY T'S TO DONUT PILLOWS

TO RYAN GOSLING BOOTY SHORTS,RECENTLY POSTED THIS A DISNEY-

THEMED LOVE DISCOVERYMINI-VIBRATOR.

IT WILL GO IN LOOKING LIKEJASMINE AND COMING OUT

SMELLING LIKE ARIEL.

(APPLAUSE)

>>THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> PRETTY GOOD.

>> CHRIS: THE SMALLER VERSIONHERE.

I''M SURE THERE IS AN XL VERSIONCALLED BOOTY AND THE BEAST.

THIS MAY BE THE PANACEA TOYOUR GIRLFRIEND'S

FRUSTRATION TO YOUR FASTPASS ISSUES.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE MESOME OTHER IDEAS FOR DISNEY-

THEMED SEX TOYS. MICHAEL IANBLACK.

>> JIMINY CLITORIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS. KUAMIL.

>> PINOCCHIO'S NOSE DILDO.

>> CHRIS: YES.

AND YOU HAVE TO GO LIE, LIE,LIE, LIE, TRUTH LIE, TRUTH. LIE!

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS TOKUMAIL.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAG WARS.

EARLIER TONIGHT AT THEBRIT AWARDS IN LONDON,

HONORING THE BEST IN MUSIC,MADONNA STUNNED THE CROWD

WITH ANOTHER SHOCKING CAREERMOVE. WATCH THIS.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDNEVER WEAR A CAPE BEFORE

LABOR DAY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

BUT SHE'S FINE.

SHE WAS REALLY COOL ABOUT IT,TWEETED IT WAS JUST TIED TOO

TIGHTLY.

THE CAPE WAS SUPPOSED TOCOME OFF AND INSTEAD IT

YANKED HER DOWN BY THE HEADON THE GROUND BUT MADONNA'S

A BADASS, SHE ACTUALLY FINISHEDTHE SONG.

SO HONOR OF MADONNA AND EVERYONEWHO PERFORMED ACROSS THE

POND, THE HASHTAG IS#MakeASongBritish.

#MakeASongBritish.

THE EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "LET ITBBC."

"LIKE A ROLLING STONEHENGE."

OR "JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER,OCTOBER NOVEMBER RAIN."

OR, MY FAVORITE, "WRECKING BALL,YOU [BLEEP]."

I'M GONNA PUT 0 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEING.

KUMAIL.

>> "ROYAL BABY GOT BACK."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CLARK.

>> "DR. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> "BANGERS AND MONSTER MASH."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLDAS WE KNOW IT AND I'M

KEEPING A STIFF UPPER LIP."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> "LOVE IN A LIFT."

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

CLARK.

>> "SHEPHERD'S PIE" BY DONMcLEAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS!

MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

>> "DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADYDI."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> "LONDON CALLING ITSELF."

>> CHRIS: POINTS. VERY BIRTISH.

CLARK.

>> "TAKE ME TO WESTMINSTERCHURCH."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> "STAND BY YOUR MANCHESTER."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CLARK.

>> "IT'S RAINING BLOKES."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IN HONOR OF "THE ORDER OF1886," WE THOUGHT WE'D DO A

LITTLE ALTERNATIVE HISTORY OFOUR OWN BY PLAYING TWEETS

THROUGH TIME.

TWEETS THROUGH TIME.

NOW, SINCE TWITTER WASN'T AROUNDIN THE 1800s WE'LL NEVER KNOW

WHAT OUR TOOTHLESS, TYPHUSRIDDLED ANCESTORS WOULD HAVE

TWEETED ABOUT, SO I WILL GIVEYOU HISTORICAL EVENT FROM THE

END OF THE 19TH CENTURY, FOR 250POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TWEETEDABOUT IT.

FIRST ONE, THE SUMMER OF1892 THE WRIGHT BROTHERS

OPEN THEIR BICYCLE SHOP INDAYTON, OHIO.

KUMAIL.

>> THE ONLY THING THESE GUYSLIKE TO RIDE IS EACH OTHER'S

DICKS.

#Gay.

>> CHRIS: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOUPOINTS, BUT I WANTED YOU TO

CHECK OUT-- ARE YOU OKAYWITH THAT?

>> NO, THERE IS A LOT OFSTUFF GOING ON.

>> CHRIS: OH, YEAH.

CLARK.

>> WHAT IS THE DEAL WITHBICYCLE FOOD?

>> CHRIS: THAT'S GENIUS.

>> HASHTAG #WrongBrothers.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. GENIUS.

GENIUS!

NEXT ONE.

JULY 6th, 1885 FRENCHSCIENTIST LOUIS PASTURE

SUCCESSFULLY TESTED THERABIES VACCINE ON BOY BITTEN BY

AN INFECTED DOG.

CLARK DUKE.

>> DON'T VACCINATE ME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET DOGBASED SUPERPOWERS.

WAIT FOR IT --

#WrongBrothers.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

MICHAEL.

>> DOG CURED OF RABBIESDEVELOPED AUTISM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

NEXT ONE: OCTOBER 28th,1886 THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

DEDICATED IN NEW YORK HARBOR.

THANKS, FRANCE.

YES, KUMAIL.

>> MORE LIKE STATUE OFLIBER-TITTIES. WOULD BANG.

PLEASE RT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

>> #WrongBrothers.

>> YEAH!

>> CHRIS: MICHAEL.

>> SWEET UP SKIRT, YOU CANTAKE A STAIRWAY RIGHT UP

HERE [BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

LAST ONE:

OCTOBER 26th, 1881.

GUN FIGHT AT OK CORRALERUPTS IN TOMBSTONE ARIZONA.

CLARK DUKE.

>> WYATT BURP #RuinACowboy@MIDNIGHT

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.POINTS, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

KUMAIL.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TILL 100YEARS FROM NOW WHEN ARIZONA

IS THE MOST TOLERANT STATEIN AMERICA.

OH, WAIT, HOLD ON, I'M BEINGPULLED OVER BY A COP BECAUSE

I LOOK FOREIGN.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> WHICH THEY DO HAVE THATRULE THERE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERETO TALK ABOUT.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS THE LONGESTTWEET EVER.

POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDNEW PHOTO OF A DAD DRESSED

FOR THE SECOND COMING AND IASKED YOU TO COME UP WITH

SOMETHING YOU MIGHT EXPECTTO HEAR THAT FROM PAPA JESUS.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU WROTE.

CLARK, START WITH YOU.

>> I ABSTAIN FROM ANSWERINGTHIS QUESTION DON'T WANT MY

GRANDMA TO BE MAD AT ME.

SO I AM JUST GOING TO DOTCLASSY THING AND SUGGEST

EVERYBODY SEES "HOT TUB TIMEMACHINE 2" BEFORE IT'S TOO

LATE.

>> CHRIS: VERY CLASSY. INDEED

CLASSY MOVE.

>> WE BEAT "MORDECAI."

>> CHRIS: KUMAIL.

>> WHY WAS TEHRE ONLY ONE SET OFFOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND?

IT IS BECAUSE MOM LEFT ME.

>> CHRIS: THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

MIKE.

>> THE DOCTOR SAID MYPROSTATE WAS THIS BIG.

AS WE JUMP TOOUR NEXT GAME, LET MY PEOPLE

GROW.

LET MY PEOPLE GROW.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOUSTONERS WHO LOVE FIDDLER ON

THE ROOF AND BRISKET, ANORTHODOX JEWISH ORGANIZATION

HAS BEGUN TALKS TO GET THEKOSHER SEAL OF APPROVAL ON

MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

MEDICAL MARIJUANA AND JEWISHPEOPLE SEEM LIKE AN ACTUAL

FIT.

JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE LOTS OFANXIETY AND BACK PAIN PLUS

THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET TOYOU EAT SOMETHING.

SO I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE ITWAS WRITTEN BY MY JEWISH

WRITER JARED MOSKOWITZ.

HE PROBABLY WANTS MORE MONEYSINCE HE GOT THAT JOKE ON

THE AIR.

>> AND JEWS LOVE MONEY.

JEWISH. JEWISH, GUYS.

>> CHRIS: #HaimSaban.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS --

>> #HighOnSaban.

>> CHRIS: OH, WOW.

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR CLARKDUKE.

>> I KID, SABAN.

HE DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVERDRACULA.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS, I WOULDLIKE YOU TO COME UP WITH AS

MANY KOSHER POT STRAIN NAMES ASYOU CAN IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN! KUMAIL.

>> JEWS CONTROL THE DANKS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> GEFILTE KUSH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CLARK.

>> BUDMITZVAH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> 420, BUT FOR YOU 419.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> BONG-JAMIN NETANYAHU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I'M GIVING YOU POINTSBECAUSE YOU SAID IT THAT WAY.

CLARK.

>> GRASSOVER.

>> POINTS.

MIKE.

>> MARIJUANACHEWITZ.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CLARK.

>> HEY-BRO SCHOOL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CLARK.

>> HANUKKUSH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> WE WISH TO YOU GROW UPAND BECOME A DR. FEELGOOD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE GREAT THING ABOUTHANNAKUSH, YOU THOUGHT YOU

ONLY HAD ENOUGH FOR A DAYBUT IT LASTED EIGHT DAYS,

>> IT'S THE BEST.