Mike Lawrence, Marina Franklin, Brendon Walsh, Greg Behrendt

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011

Marina Franklin knows that she may not be First Lady material, Brendon Walsh acknowledges his 1800s inventor beard, and Greg Behrendt is inspired by Matthew McConaughey.

(cheers and applause taper)THANK--THANK YOU.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THAT WASA POWER I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD.

WELL, I'VE LIVED HERE NOWIN THIS COUNTRY

FOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS,AND I LOVE IT HERE.

AND ONE OF THE THINGSI LOVE MOST ABOUT THIS COUNTRY

IS I TRULY BELIEVE YOU AREA LOT MORE ECCENTRIC A NATION

THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELFCREDIT FOR.

YOU'RE MUCH WEIRDERTHAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.

NO, I CAN GIVE YOUPROOF OF THIS.

RECENTLY, I WENT TO BOISE,IDAHO, FOR THE FIRST

AND, GOD WILLING,FINAL TIME.

BUT THERE IS SOMETHINGIN BOISE

WHICH I WILL NEVER FORGETSEEING.

IN THE CENTER OF BOISEON THE MAIN STREET THROUGH IT,

THERE'S THIS HUGEGRAY BUILDING,

AND ON THE FRONTOF THE BUILDING

IN GIGANTIC YELLOW LETTERSIS ONE WORD,

AND THAT WORD IS "LIBRARY."

(laughter)

AND THEN THERE'SAN EXCLAMATION MARK.

(laughter)

AND I SPENT HOURS TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT

WHAT THAT EXCLAMATION MARKWAS REALLY TRYING TO SAY.

WAS IT, "I KNOW,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE BOISE'SGOT A LIBRARY EITHER.

"I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT GOT HEREOR WHEN IT'S LEAVING,

BUT I THINK WE HAVE TO LEARNTO LIVE WITH IT NOW."

OR WAS IT, "LIBRARY,EXCLAMATION MARK.

"JUST KIDDING.IT'S A CHUCK E. CHEESE.

"COME IN.

"GET THIS GUYSOME CINNAMON STICKS.

HE'S HAD A VERY SHOCKING EVENTHAPPEN."

(laughter)

BOISE DOESN'T NEEDA LIBRARY.

AMERICA DOESN'T NEEDLIBRARIES.

YOU DON'T NEED BOOKS HERE.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF BOOKSIN THE WORLD,

AND PLENTY OF PEOPLEWHO'VE READ THEM.

IT'S NOTYOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE.

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

THERE IS SOME GENUINE TENSIONIN THIS ROOM NOW AS--

AS IF YOU'RE COLLECTIVELYSAYING,

"YOU BETTER HAVE A (bleep) JOKETO UNDERCOUNT THAT PREMISE."

RELAX.

I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOUA COMPLIMENT.

YOU DON'T NEED BOOKS.

STICK TO WHAT YOUARE TRULY GREAT AT--

TV.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD IS BETTERAT MAKING TV THAN YOU ARE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAJUST HOW GOOD

THE TV SHOW "WIPE OUT" IS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAOF WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

YOU'VE SEEN IT,WHERE MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC

JUMP ACROSS GIGANTICINFLATABLE BALLS

BEFORE FALLING AND SUSTAININGWHAT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

IS A COLOSSAL SPINAL INJURY.

(laughter)

WIPE OUT IS SO GOOD,

YOU'VE ESSENTIALLY FINISHEDTELEVISION.

(laughter)

IT'S OVER NOW.YOU COMPLETED IT.

WE HAVE REACHEDTHE KILL SCREEN OF TV.

AND IT TURNS OUT THATTHE KILL SCREEN IS A MAN

BEING REPEATEDLY SLAMMEDIN THE TESTICLES

BY A FOAM-COVEREDHYDRAULIC HAMMER.

(laughter)

WATCHING "WIPE OUT,"

YOU GET THAT CALM SENSATIONWASH OVER YOU

AS IF YOU'RE WATCHINGA NATION DOING EXACTLY

WHAT IT SHOULD BE DOINGAT THIS POINT IN ITS HISTORY.

BECAUSE WATCHING "WIPE OUT"

IS LIKE WATCHING THE LAST DAYSOF ANCIENT ROME.

(laughter)

OH, IT'S FUN,AND IT LOOKS SPECTACULAR,

BUT DEEP DOWN YOU KNOWIT CAN'T LAST FOREVER.

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG,

YOU MAKE GREAT QUALITY TVAS WELL.

I THINK "THE WIRE"

IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOWEVER BROADCAST.(cheers and applause)

UNTIL I SAW "WIPE OUT."

(laughter)

AND NOW I JUST THINKIT'S OKAY.

I THINK IT'S FINE.

IT COULD DO WITH A FEW MOREPEOPLE FALLING OVER, THAT'S ALL.

HAVING FINISHED SOMETHING,

THEY'D STOP AND MOVE ONAND DO SOMETHING ELSE.

BUT I GUESS THERE'S THATSPECIAL QUALITY IN AMERICANS,

THAT PIONEERING SPIRITWHICH THROUGHOUT HISTORY

HAS PUSHED YOU THAT EXTRA MILETO ACHIEVE THE INCREDIBLE.

SO INSTEAD OF STOPPINGWITH "WIPE OUT,"

INSTEAD,YOU CREATED A SHOW

CALLED "DOWNFALL."

AND THE FACT THAT NO ONE THISROOM KNOWS WHAT DOWNFALL IS

IS A TRAGEDY THAT I WILL NOWCORRECT FOR YOU.

DOWNFALL WAS ON VERY BRIEFLYLAST YEAR,

AND IT WAS A GAME SHOW INTHE NORMAL SENSE OF THE WORD.

PEOPLE COMPETED TO WIN PRIZES.

THE TWIST THOUGH,THE INSPIRED TWIST

WAS THAT IN "DOWNFALL,"IF YOU FAILED TO WIN

ONE OF THE PRIZES,

THAT PRIZE WAS THEN PUSHEDFROM THE ROOF

OF A 10-STORY BUILDING.

(laughter and applause)

PRIZES LIKE GRAND PIANOS.

(laughter)

JET SKIS.

PUSHED FROM THE ROOFOF A 10-STORY BUILDING.

YOU DID THAT.YOU DID THAT.

YOU DID THAT.

IN FACT,NOT ONLY DID YOU DO IT,

YOU THEN DIDN'T WATCH ITAS WELL.

YOU--YOU EXERCISED FREEDOMIN ITS FULLEST SENSE.

OH, I WANT YOU TO MAKETHAT PROGRAM,

DON'T GET ME WRONG,

IT'S JUSTI WILL NOT BE TUNING IN.

BUT I WANT TO KNOWIT'S THERE.

I WANT TO KNOW THAT ICAN FLIP PASS IT AND IGNORE IT

IF I WANT TO.

THAT--THAT IS MY RIGHT.

DO YOU ALSO--DO YOU HAVEANY IDEA

HOW POWERFUL A MESSAGEYOU ARE SENDING TO THE WORLD

WHEN YOU PUSH A JET SKI--

A JET SKI--

FROM A 10-STORY BUILDING?

I WAS TAKEN OFF THE AIRBY ABC AFTER JUST FIVE WEEKS,

PRESUMABLY BECAUSEIT WAS JUST TOO GOOD.

(laughter)

WE'RE NOT READY YETFOR ANYTHING OF THAT QUALITY.

THE HUMAN BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE ITWITHOUT EXPLODING.

BUT THINK FOR A SECONDABOUT WHAT--

ABOUT WHAT WE GAVE UP.

BECAUSE THAT WAS THE BIGGESTIMAGINABLE (bleep) YOU

TO TERRORISTSYOU COULD POSSIBLY ISSUE.

I PROMISE YOU,WHEN YOU PUSH A JET SKI--

A JET SKI--FROM A 10-STORY BUILDING,

WHAT YOU'RE ESSENTIALLYSAYING IS,

"THERE IS NOTHINGYOU CAN DO TO US

THAT WE ARE NOT ALREADYDOING TO OURSELVES."

(laughter)

(applause)

(cheers and applause)

PASS ME ANOTHER JET SKI.

(laughter)

THESE PEOPLEDON'T FRIGHTEN ME.

I FRIGHTEN ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

I GOT JET SKIS FOR DAYS,SON.

(laughter)

FOR DAYS, SON.

(applause)

I HAVEN'T HAD SEXIN OVER A YEAR IN A HALF.

SO DON'T GIVE IT UPFOR ME.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN OVERA YEAR AND A HALF,

AND PEOPLE ASK ME HOWTHAT'S POSSIBLE AND I SAY,

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS JUST BE YOURSELF."

(laughter)

(applause)

I LIVE IN A BASEMENT NOWAND, LADIES,

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUTMY WINDOWLESS (bleep) PALACE.

(laughter)

THIS IS MY ROUTINEEVERY NIGHT.

I HAVE TO LIFT A METAL GRATEWITH MY TWO HANDS,

WALK DOWN A STAIRCASEHOLDING A LANTERN

AND PUSH COBWEBSOUT OF MY FACE.

SO EVERY NIGHT,I GO TO BED,

I FEEL LIKE A REPUBLICAN SENATORFEEDING HIS GAY SON.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

BEFORE THAT,I HAD TWO ROOMMATES

OR "SURFACE DWELLERS"AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

AND ONE WAS A PARANORMALROMANCE FICTION NOVELIST,

AND THE OTHER WAS A FEMINISTAUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CARTOONIST,

AND I DO STAND UP COMEDY.

SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATMY APARTMENT WAS LIKE,

TRY TO IMAGINETHE MUSICAL "RENT"

IF NO ONE HAD ENOUGH CHARISMATO GET AIDS.

(laughter)

I WAS WITH ONE GIRLFOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS.

SHE WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL

AND COMMUNITY COLLEGESWEETHEART.

(laughter)

AND IT'S ALL BEEN DOWNHILL,AND I I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS

IS BECAUSE I DON'T DRINK.

I COME FROMA LONG LINE OF ALCOHOLICS.

MY FAMILY TREEHAS A CAR WRAPPED AROUND IT.

(laughter)

(applause)

AND I'M A CHILD OF DIVORCE,AND I REALLY HATE THE WAY

I FOUND OUT ABOUTMY PARENTS' DIVORCE.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY MOMTOOK ME OUT FOR ICE CREAM,

AND SHE SAT ME DOWN,SHE SAID, "MICHAEL,

"I'M LEAVING YOUR FATHER.

I'M GOING OFF TO MARRYANOTHER MAN, AND I'M PREGNANT."

AND THAT WAS REALLY MESSED UP'CAUSE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

THREE DIFFERENT TRIPSTO GET ICE CREAM.

(laughter)

WHEN I WAS 12, I WALKED IN ONMY STEPFATHER MASTURBATING

(audience groans)AND...

THE THING YOU MUST KNOWABOUT THAT IS THAT HE'S BALD,

AND WHEN A BALD MANMASTURBATES,

IT'S LIKE HE'S CHOKINGA TINIER VERSION OF HIMSELF.

(laughter and applause)

THERE'S ONE PERSONI HATE MORE THAN ANYTHING

AND THAT'S MY DAD'SCUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA.

WHO I ALWAYS REFER TO AS MYDAD'S CUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA,

THAT'S WAY SHE'S MOREOF A CONCEPT,

NOT AN ACTUAL PERSON,HAS NO POWER OVER ME.

IT WORKS.BUT SHE DID THIS RECENTLY.

SHE TOLD ME MY DAD WASIN THE HOSPITAL VIA TEXT MESSAGE

AND THE ACTUAL TEXT READ,"BAD NEWS.

"DAD'S IN THE HOSP.HE'S GOT AN INF IN HIS FOOT.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO AMP IT."

SHE AMPUTATEDTHE WORD "AMPUTATE."

(laughter)

NO ME GUSTA,CONSUELA.

NOW I'M SO TERRIFIEDI'M GONNA GET THE DEATH TEXT

ANY DAY NOW.

"BAD NEWS.DAD FELL ASLEEP.

"DIDN'T WAKE UP.MUST HAVE BEEN HIS PROS CANCE.

TEXT BACK TO MAKE FUNARRANGEMENTS."

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

I THINK IT WOULD SUCK TO DIE,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE WAYWORSE TO BE IMMORTAL.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT,EVERY 50 OR 60 YEARS,

YOUR WIFE DIES AND YOU GETTO GET A NEW ONE

AND EACH ONE HAS MORE RIGHTSTHAN THE LAST ONE?

(laughter)

"HEY, HONEY,LET'S GO OUT AND VOTE."

DAMN IT, WOMAN,THAT USED TO BE MY ALONE TIME.

(laughter)

SPEAKING OF ALONE TIME,I'M A BIG COMIC BOOK FAN, AND...

(cheers and applause)

MY FAVORITE MOVIEIS "THE DARK KNIGHT,"

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGUREOUT WHAT CHRISTIAN BALE'S

BATMAN VOICE SOUNDS LIKE TO MEBESIDES (bleep),

AND I FINALLY GOT IT.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A DRAG QUEENAT THE END OF THE NIGHT

WHO JUST DOESN'T CAREANYMORE.

(laughter)

"COME ON CHANTAL,LET'S JUST GO TO THIS CLUB

A FEW BLOCKS DOWN THE ROAD."

(deep gravelly voice)THESE HIGH HEELS...

(laughter)

ARE KILLI ME!

(laughter and applause)

I THINK IT'S REALLY FITTING

BECAUSE SUPERHEROES SOUNDEXACTLY LIKE DRAG QUEENS.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY,WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

IT'S NOT WHO I AM.IT'S WHAT I'VE BECOME.

(laughter)

FUN FACT--I WORKEDAT McDONALD'S FOR SEVEN YEARS.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE LIFE,LIFE LOVES YOU BACK.

(laughter)

I'D SAID I WAS GONNA BE THEREFOR A FEW MONTHS.

I ENDED UP BEING THEREFOR SEVEN YEARS.

SO IT REALLY WASMY VIETNAM.

(laughter and applause)

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERINGHOW I CAN COMPARE

WORKING AT McDONALD'STO VIETNAM

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T(bleep) THERE, MAN!

(laughter and applause)

BUT I WANT TO BELIEVE THE REASONI WAS THERE FOR SO LONG

IS BECAUSE I WAS MEANTO SOME OLD GYPSY WOMAN

IN THE DRIVE-THRUONE MORNING.

I WAS LIKE,MA'AM, ITS 10:35.

WE'RE NOT SELLINGEGG McMUFFINS ANYMORE.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"OH, BUT I WANT ONE.

THEY ARE EVER SO DELICIOUS."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WE'RE NOTSELLING THEM ANYMORE."

AND THEN SHE GOT CRAZYAND VINDICTIVE AND WAS LIKE,

"FROM THIS DAY FORTH,

"YOU SHALL HAVE THE FACEOF A RAPIST

AND THE SELF-ESTEEMOF ONE OF HIS VICTIMS."

(laughter)

I'M... HAPPY.

(cheers and applause)

YEAH I GOT ONE 'CAUSEI STOPPED LOOKING.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE RULE.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A MAN,YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET ONE

'CAUSE YOU--'CAUSE YOU,YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE THAT LOOK.

(laughter)

LIKE,"WHERE IS THAT (bleep)?"

(laughter and applause)

IT'S TOO DESPERATE.

IT'S ALMOSTLIKE A DESPERATE PROSTITUTE.

JUST ON THE STREETAT THAT POINT.

(laughter)

(laughter)

YOU SURE?

THAT'S TOO DESPERATE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEENA PROSTITUTE GO, "YOU SURE?"

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE THAT.

IT'S WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING,THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS.

IT'S THAT MOMENT OF CALM

WHEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN THINKINGABOUT IT, JUST HAPPY.

THAT'S WHEN A MAN'S GONNALOOK AT YOU, LIKE, "OOH...

YE-E-E-AH."

(laughter)

"HOW CAN I DESTROY HER?"

(laughter)

I'M ORIGINALLYFROM CHICAGO.

THAT IS THE HOMEOF BARACK OBAMA,

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.

(cheers and applause)

OH, OKAY.

THAT JOKEHASN'T BEEN WORKING LATELY.

I STILL LIKE HIM.

I'M A FAN OF MICHELLE OBAMA.I THINK SHE IS REALLY CLASSY.

(cheers and applause)YEAH, I LOVE HER.

I MEAN, SHE'S A GOOD ROLE MODELFOR YOUNG GIRLS,

AND IT'S ABOUT TIMEBLACK WOMEN

HAVE A POSITIVE ROLE MODELLIKE THAT.

WE GET A LOTOF NEGATIVE STUFF.

I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING,OH, SHE'S FROM CHICAGO.

I'M FROM CHICAGO.I COULD HAVE BEEN...

(laughter)

A FIRST LADY.

BUT THEY WOULD HAVE DONETHAT BACKGROUND CHECK.

I AIN'T NO LADY.

(laughter)

LIKE MICHELLE LOOKS LIKESHE ALWAYS KNEW

SHE WANTED TO BE A FIRST LADY,YOU KNOW?

DON'T LOOK LIKE SHE WENT THROUGHA SLUT PHASE.

(laughter)

MNH-MNH.

I DID.

SLUT PHASE ONE,TWO AND THREE.

THERE'S A FOURTH COMING.

(laughter)

EVERY MAN ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOWHOW MANY MEN YOU SLEPT WITH?

I HAVE ALWAYS LIED ABOUT THAT.

AS THE PRESIDENT,HE COULD FIND THAT OUT.

(laughter)

LIKE, IF HE ASKED MICHELLEHOW MANY MEN SHE SLEPT WITH,

SHE'D BE LIKE,"BABY...

I'M YOUR FIRST LADY."

(laughter)

IF THAT HAVE BEEN ME,IT--

IT'D BE LIKE...

"WHAT?"

(laughter)

"WELL, WHAT HAD HAPPENEDWAS, SEE..."

(laughter)

"I'M YOUR FIRST HO."

(laughter)

OH, OKAY.YOU GUYS--

YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A HOTHE WAY YOU LAUGHED AT THAT.

(laughter)

NO, DIFFERENT REACTIONS,DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW--

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S JUST IF THEY LAUGH MORE,I FEEL LESS OF A HO.

YOU GUYS LAUGHED A LITTLE,I FEEL MORE LIKE A HO.

THANK YOU.

'CAUSE I HAD A GUY ONE TIME WHODIDN'T LIKE THAT JOKE AT ALL,

AND HE ACTUALLY TOLD ME,"YOU SHOULD REPRESENT YOURSELF

BETTER ON STAGE,DON'T CALL YOURSELF A HO."

AND I GOT REALLY UPSET'CAUSE I'M DOING COMEDY,

PLUS I DON'T LIKE NOBODYTELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

LIKE, I GOT SO MAD,

I DEFENDED THE FACTTHAT I WAS A HO.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

IT WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!I'M A HO!"

(laughter)

OKAY, I'M DONE.THANK YOU.

I'M NOT A HO.

(cheers and applause)

I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITHMY STUPID IDIOT FRIEND.

HE BOUGHT A NEW CELL PHONE,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOWHOW TO WORK IT.

AND THE WHOLE TIMEWE'RE HANGING OUT,

HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUTHOW TO OPERATE HIS PHONE,

AND I WAS LIKE,I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL?

(laughter)

AND WE AGREED, YEAH, PROBABLY.I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

THERE'S PROBABLYA SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE.

I DO KIND OF HAVEAN 1800s INVENTOR BEARD.

OH, IT'S A GREAT LOOK.

SOME LADIES STOPPED MEON THE STREET TODAY

JUST SO SHE CAN TELL METHAT SHE THINKS I LOOK LIKE

ONE OF THE BURGLARSFROM "HOME ALONE."

(laughter and applause)

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?

I TOLD HER SHE LOOKEDLIKE JOE PESCI,

AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

(laughs)

I WAS FEELING COOL TODAY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND TODAY,TOO,

AND I THOUGHT I SAW A COUPLEOF TEENAGE GIRLS

CHECKING ME OUT,YOU KNOW?

BUT THENWHEN I WALKED PAST THEM,

I JUST OVERHEARDTHE ONE TELLING HER FRIEND,

"THERE GOES YOUR BOYFRIEND,SHEILA. (mocking laugh)"

(laughter)

SHE GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE.

IT'S NO FUN BEING ONTHE RECEIVING END OF THAT JOKE.

I'M NOT SHEILA'S BOYFRIEND.

(laughter)

I'M NOBODY'S BOYFRIEND.I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

JUST LIKE EVERY OTHERSTAND-UP COMEDIAN EVER,

I, TOO, HAVE RECENTLY BROKEN UPWITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

(laughter)

(laughs) THEY MAKE YOU DO THATWHEN YOU REGISTER

DOWN AT THE STAND-UP COMEDYOFFICE.

YOU HAVE TO INVENTA RELATIONSHIP AND THEN END IT

FOR THE PURPOSEOF A DUMB JOKE.

I BROKE UP WITHMY LAST GIRLFRIEND.

I'M BAD AT BREAKING UPWITH PEOPLE.

I HATE CONFRONTATION.

I BROKE UP WITH MY LASTGIRLFRIEND OVER THE PHONE.

WELL, I BROKE UP WITH HERVIA VOICE MAIL.

(audience groans)IS THAT TACKY?

HEAR ME OUT!

I DIDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGEON HER VOICEMAIL.

I LEFT IT IN THE OUTGOINGMESSAGE ON MY VOICEMAIL.

(laughter)

IT'S A WAY LESSCONFRONTATIONAL THAT WAY.

YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR HERTO CALL,

AND SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE, "HELLO,YOU'VE REACHED BRENDAN'S PHONE.

IF THIS IS SUSAN,IT'S OVER."

HIT THE BRICKS!(laughs)

SHE WAS--SHE GAVE MY PENIS A NICKNAME.

ANY LADIES EVER DO THATFOR THEIR GUYS?

GIVE THEIR PENISA BIG SCARY NICKNAME?

(laughs)

SHE GAVE MY PENISAN AWESOME NICKNAME.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,BUT, UH,

SHE USED TO CALL MY PENIS"MICROSOFT."

(laughter)

I KNOW RIGHT?

IT'S A HUGE COMPANY,DUDE.

THAT'S LIKE ONEOF THE BIGGEST,

MOST POWERFUL COMPANIESON THE PLANET.

IT'S GOT MILLIONSOF EMPLOYEES.

ACTUALLY I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU, FOLKS,

BEFORE I CAME HERE TONIGHT,

I LAID OFF A FEW MILLIONEMPLOYEES FROM MICROSOFT

BACK AT MY HOTEL ROOM.

(laughter and applause)

TWO ROUNDS OF MASSIVE LAYOFFS.

(laughs)

I WAS DATING HERFOR A LONG TIME, YOU KNOW,

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'REDATING SOMEBODY FOR TOO LONG,

YOU JUST DON'T WANTTO DO IT ANYMORE

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO TALKTO THEM ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

LEADS TO LIKE "NEH,"TALKING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DATE HERANYMORE, SO THIS IS WHAT I DID.

IT WORKED OUT GREAT.

I BOUGHT SOME WEED,

AND THEN--THEN I PUT ITIN HER PURSE.

(laughter)

AND I CALLED THE COPS ON HER.

IT'S, UH--IT'S LIKE A TRIAL SEPARATION.

IT GAVE ME LIKE 30 DAYSTO FIGURE OUT

WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

I LIVE IN, UM--I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,

AND RECENTLY WE VOTED,

THE STATE OF CALIFORNIAVOTED TO LEGALIZE WEED.

IT DIDN'T PASS 'CAUSE ALLTHE STUPID STONERS

FORGOT TO VOTE.

THEY WERE ALL PLAYINGFRISBEE GOLF OR SOMETHING.

(laughter)

I MEAN POT'S ALREADY BASICALLYLEGAL IN LOS ANGELES.

LIKE, YOU CAN GO GETA PRESCRIPTION.

YOU GO TO, LIKE,SOME DOCTOR NAMED CAPTAIN TOKE

OR WHATEVERAND HE'D LIKE WRITES YOU

A PRESCRIPTION FORSOME TRAIN WRECK OR WHATEVER.

IT'S VERY EASY TO GET,BUT I HAVE ALL THESE, LIKE,

STONER FRIENDS WHO WON'TGET THEIR POT CARD,

AND THEIR THEIR EXCUSE ACROSSTHE BOARD IS ALWAYS LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T WANTTO GET THAT CARD.

"THEY PUT YOU ON THE LIST,MAN.

YOU WIND UP ON SOME GOVERNMENTLIST WHEN YOU GET THAT CARD."

I'M LIKE, WHAT LISTARE THEY GONNA PUT YOU ON,

A LIST OF GUYSWHO PROBABLY HAVE TICKETS

TO THE PINK FLOYD'SLASER LIGHT SHOW NEXT WEEK?

LIKE, YOU'RE WEARINGA "CAT IN THE HAT" HAT

PLAYING BONGO DRUMS IN THE PARKON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON.

I THINK YOU'RE ALREADYON WHATEVER (bleep) LIST

YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID BEING ON,YOU DUMB STUPID STONER.(applause)

DUMB HIPPIE.

I'M GONNA SHAVED OFF MY BEARD.I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE A STONER.

I DON'T SMOKETHAT MUCH POT ANYMORE.

I'M GONNA SHAVE OFF MY BEARD,AND THIS IS--

I INVENTED A NEW FORMOF FACIAL HAIR.

FEEL FREE TO TAKE THIS HOMEWITH YOU.

I'M GONNA SHAVE MY BEARD,BUT I'M GONNA DO--

IT'S CALLED THE SWOOP, AH,AND THE WAY IT WORKS

IS YOU GROWYOUR RIGHT SIDEBURN

DOWN AND AROUND INTOA LEFT HALF OF A MOUSTACHE.

IT'S THE SWOOP.DO IT.(laughter)

YOU'LL BE THE ONLY GUYSWOOPING IT UP IN BROOKLYN.

TAKE IT HOME WITH YOU.

YOU DO THAT IF YOU'RE AN ADULT.YOU CAN GROW A SWOOP.

NOBODY CAN TELL YOUWHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE AN ADULTAND YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY,

YOU CAN BUY BIRTHDAY CAKESWHENEVER YOU WANT, TOO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT

FOR SOMEBODY'S BIRTHDAYTO ROLL AROUND.

LIKE, YOU CAN WALK INTOA BAKERY TOMORROW,

ORDER THREE BIRTHDAY CAKES ANDMAKE THE BAKER WRITE ON THEM

BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER

AND JUST STAND THEREAND EAT ONE RIGHT IN FRONT

OF THAT STUPID BAKER'SDUMB BAKER FACE.

THEY HAVE TO WRITEWHAT YOU TELL THEM TO.

THEY TAKE AN OATH.THE BAKERS HAVE TO DO IT.

LIKE, YOU COULD GO INTOA BAKERY AND GET A BIRTHDAY CAKE

AND MAKE THE BAKER WRITE ON IT,"PEOPLE WHO MAKE BIRTHDAY CAKES

FOR A LIVING ARE MOUTH-BREATHINGDOUCHE BAGS."

(laughter)AND HE'S JUST GOT TO...

(laughter)

"HERE YOU GO."

(laughs)OR GO INTO A BAKERY

GET THE BIGGEST BIRTHDAY CAKETHEY HAVE IN THE PLACE

AND MAKE THEM WRITE ON IT,

"HAPPY FIFTH AND FINAL BIRTHDAY"RIGHT THERE ON THE CAKE.

MAKE 'EM PUT A BIG SAD CLOWNON THERE WITH A WILTED FLOWER

MAKE EVERYBODY IN THE BAKERYALL BUMMED OUT.

I HAD A PRETTY GOOD YEARLAST YEAR.

I LOST LIKE 25 POUNDS, AND--

(applause)THAT'S NICE.NO, THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD,WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR 20s

AND YOUR 30s AND YOU DROPSOME WEIGHT, PEOPLE NOTICE.

THEY'RE NICE ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"HEY, MAN, YOU LOOK GOOD.

"YOU PUT THE PLUG IN THE MUG,YOU STOPPED EATING THE BISCUITS.

YOU LOOK AWESOME, MAN."THEY'RE PROUD OF YOU, YOU KNOW?

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR 40s,AND YOU LOSE WEIGHT,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?"

(laughter)

"HUH?YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH, YEAH, I'M DOING GOOD.I LOST SOME WEIGHT."

"DID YOU?YOU LOOK A LITTLE SALLOW."

"SALLOW? SALLOW?""YEAH, A LITTLE PEAKED."

"PEAKED?""YOUR EYES ARE ALL BUGGY."

"NO, MAN, I LOST SOME WEIGHT.I FEEL GOOD, MAN.

"I JUST STOPPED PUTTINGSO MUCH FOOD IN MY MOUTH."

"'CAUSE YOU COULDN'TKEEP IT DOWN?"

"NO.""'CAUSE OF THE TREATMENTS?"

"THE TREATMENTS?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"NO, MAN,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"I GOT MYSELF--I STARTED RUNNING."

"YEAH, FROM THE TRUTH'CAUSE YOU HAVE AIDS?"

"NO.WHERE WOULD I GET AIDS?

I DON'T EVEN HAVETHAT MUCH FUN."

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED--CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR,

I'M GOING TO A PARTYWITH MY WIFE.

I'M IN MY BATHROOM.HERE'S WHY I LOST WEIGHT.

I'M CRUISING ACROSSTHE BATHROOM,

WE GOTA CABINET MIRROR OPEN.

I GOT A MIRROR HERE,AND I CATCH AN ANGLE.

YOU EVER DO THAT,YOU SEE AN ANGLE ON YOURSELF

THAT YOU DON'T NORMALLY SEE

'CAUSE YOUR HEAD'S NOT TORN OFFAND SITTING ON A TABLE?

(laughter)

RIGHT?AND I SEE AN ANGLE.

AND IT'S JUST QUICK.IT'S JUST A MOMENT.

I HAVE THIS MOMENT.I HAVE TWO THOUGHTS.

MY FIRST THOUGHT IS,"FAT GHOST."

(laughter)LIKE, OH--

OH, MY GOD, MY BATHROOMIS HAUNTED BY A SAD,

FAT, OLD--WITH BACK FAT,LIKE, BACK FAT,

LIKE A DRIPPY,LIKE A FAT AVALANCHE

OVER--THE WAISTBANDOF THE UNDERPANT.

THERE'S NO ASS ANYMORE'CAUSE I'M 40.

SO IT'S JUST THE UNDERPANTSGOING, "NO!"

AND THERE'S FATJUST CASCADING,

BACON JIGGLEALL THE WAY DOWN THE BACK.

SO THAT'S MY FIRST THOUGHTIS "FAT GHOST."

AND THENMY SECOND THOUGHT IS,

"OH, MY GOD, MY WIFEHAS TO (bleep) THAT GUY."

LIKE, HOW SAD, LIKE I THOUGHTSHE TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF

'CAUSE SHE WAS SHY.

(laughter)SO...

I WAS LIKE,I GOT TO GET BEHIND--

I GOT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT.I GOT TO TAKE SOME WEIGHT OFF.

'CAUSE I DO,I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD.

I JUST WANT TOBE ABLE TO GO--

I CALL IT"THE FULL McCONAUGHEY."

I JUST WANT TO BE ABLETO GO SHIRTLESS.

I'M NOT SAYING--I'M JUST SAYING HE'S A GUY

THAT'S COMFORTABLEWITHOUT A SHIRT ON.

HE'LL JUST TAKE A SHIRT OFFFOR NO REASON.

HE'LL BE AT A PREMIERE,

HE'LL TAKE HIS SHIRTAND HIS SHOES OFF.

HE'S LIKE A MONKEY.

HE'S JUST WALKING AROUNDPLAYING A BONGO,

RIDING A BICYCLEWITH LANCE ARMSTRONG.

HE DOESN'T CARE.HE'S JUST SHIRTLESS.

HE'S JUST DOING IT.

HE'S OUT THEREJUST RIPPED UP, YOU KNOW,

JUST TORE UP.

HIS ABS OUT THERE, YOU KNOW,RIPPED LIKE JESUS.

YOU'VE SEEN IT.YOU KNOW JESUS WAS RIPPED.

YOU'VE SEEN THE PHOTOS,YOU'RE IN A CHURCH.

HE'S UP THERE, YOU KNOW,THE SERMON'S LONG,

YOU FINALLY LOOK UP,YOU'RE LIKE, "WOW.

"TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT."

(laughter)

"OBLIQUES, MAN."

MUST HAVE BEEN NICE,JESUS WALKING AROUND THE DESERT

BEING ABLE TO GETTHAT LOINCLOTH IN A 28.

(laughter)CAN I GET THAT IN A 28?

COME ON, JESUS,YOU KNOW THEY'RE ONLY--

THEY'RE ONE SIZE FITS ALL.COME ON, MAN.

(laughter)

BE ABLE TO--YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M NOT--

EVEN HE'S CONFIDENT.I'M NOT CONFIDENT.

LIKE, I STILL--I'VE LOST 25 POUNDS.

I STILL SHOWER IN A SWEATER.LIKE, I CAN'T--

(laughter)

EVEN IF I DID GO SHIRTLESS,THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO IT

IS IF IT PRETENDEDI WAS LOOKING FOR A SHIRT.

YOU KNOW, I COULD DO IT,BUT I HAVE TO BE LIKE,

"HAS ANY ONE SEENMY SHIRT AT ALL?"

"ANYBODY SEEN--

ANYBODY SEEN A SHIRT AT ALL,I LOST?"

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSEABOUT McCONAUGHEY THAT I LIKE.

IT'S HIS WAY OF BEINGIN THE WORLD.

HE HAS A SENSE OF CONFIDENCE,A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

HE DOESN'T CAREWHAT YOU THINK, LIKE--

McCONAUGHEY MAKES TWO KINDSOF MOVIES, (bleep) AND AWFUL,

AND HE DOESN'T CARE,AND WE STILL LIKE HIM.

AND WE KEEP GOING RIGHT?HE DOESN'T CARE.

AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO HIS SUCCESS?

WHAT IS ITTHAT HE HAS THAT I DON'T?

AND THEN I DIDTHE CONAN O 'BRIEN SHOW,

AND HE WAS ON THE SHOWAS WELL.

AND I SAW HIM STANDINGIN THE HALLWAY.

WHEN McCONAUGHEY IS STANDING--WHEN McCONAUGHEY IS STANDING,

HE STANDS LIKE THIS.

HE TIPS IT OUT.HE BRINGS IT FORWARD.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?HE LEADS IN HERE.

HE BRINGS THIS TO YOUFIRST.

WHAT HE DOES IS HE ALLOWS HIS(bleep) TO ENTER THE ROOM FIRST

TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVALOF HIS FACE.

(laughter and applause)

MR. McCONAUGHEYWILL BE COMING SOON.

PLEASE ENJOY ABDOMINAL MUSCLESTILL HIS FACE ARRIVES.

(laughter)

OF THIS VAMPIRE WEEKEND THING,ALL RIGHT?

(laughter)NOW...

I DON'T HATE VAMPIRE WEEKEND,AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO WEAR A--

WELL,LET'S BE REAL ABOUT IT.

I'LL WEAR A BOAT SHOE,BUT I'M NOT GONNA WEAR,

YOU KNOW,A ROLLED PINK SHORT PANTS

AND WEAR MY GUITAR UP HERE,WHATEVER.

IT'S A JAUNTY RIFF,AND I KNOW PEOPLE ENJOY IT.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH THEM, BUT WHAT I--

WHAT I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH,WHERE I TAKE UMBRAGE,

WHERE I DO IN FACTTAKE UMBRAGE

IS AT THE FANSOF VAMPIRE WEEKEND

BECAUSE THEY AREA PRICKLY LOT.

LISTEN TO ME.OH, THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.

UH, HANG ON.HERE WE GO.

THIS FROM iTUNES.LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE TIMETO WRITE ON iTUNES,

AND YOU'RE GONNA WRITE ABOUTA BAND OR SOMETHING YOU LIKE

AND AND YOUR REVIEWDOESN'T HAVE THE WORDS

"(bleep) AND "AWESOME" IN IT,STOP.

I ONLY LIKE REVIEWSTHAT ARE WRITTEN IN CAPS

AND INCLUDE THE WORD"(bleep) AWESOME"

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KINDOF FAN THAT I LIKE.

NOT THIS FAN.LET ME READ THIS.

THIS IS A REVIEW OF THEIRSECOND RECORD, ALL RIGHT?

"CONTRA." THEY HAD A RECORD.IT CAME OUT.

IT WAS CALLED "CONTRA."CAME OUT LAST YEAR.

THIS IS THE REVIEW.

IT SAID, "I WAS AFRAID THAT THISWAS GOING TO BE 11 TRACKS

OF VAMPIRE WEEKEND TRYINGTO SOUND LIKE VAMPIRE WEEKEND."

(laughter)

WHAT THE--

(bleep) WHO ARE YOU,YOU ASS?

IF YOU (bleep) LIVE VAMPIRE--WOULDN'T YOU--

THAT'S LIKE SAYING,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE COCA-COLA,BUT THE NEXT TIME I DRINK ONE,

IT BETTER (bleep) TASTELIKE A CAN OF BEES.

(laughter)I WANT TO BE--YEAH.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVETHE SAME EXPERIENCE AT ALL.

I LIKE COKE,BUT I WANT TO GET HURT.

I WANT IT TO BE DIFFERENT,RIGHT?

SO THAT'S HOW THIS UNGRATEFULGUY STARTS HIS REVIEW.

BUT THEN HE GOES ON.OH, NO.

BUT HE WAS THRILLED TO FINDTHAT THEY STILL GOT IT.

THEY--THE THING THAT YOU--WHAT?

WHAT DO THEY STILL HAVE?THE THING THAT YOU WERE JUST--

BUT HE CLARIFIES.

(laughter)"IF ANYTHING,

THEY SOUND MORE LIKE THEM THANTHEY DID ON THE LAST ALBUM."

(laughter)

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN--"THEY SOUND MORE LIKE THEM

THAN THEY DIDON THE LAST ALBUM,"

AND YET IN THE BEGINNINGOF HIS REVIEW,

THAT'S WHAT HE WASTHE MOST AFRAID OF!"

(cheers and applause)I--OH, THAT'S NICE.PUNK WAS A MOMENT.

IT'S A THINGTHAT CAN'T REALLY HAPPEN AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, IT JUST WAS A MOMENT.IT WAS A MOMENT IN TIME.

WHEN PUNK ROCK HAPPENEDORIGINALLY,

AND SOMEBODY CAME AND THEY HADA PIN IN THEIR CHEEK,

YOU WERE (bleep) "AH!"YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

NOW YOU CAN GET THAT DONEAT THE KIOSK AT THE MALL.

LIKE, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.IT'S JUST A THING.

PUNK IS JUST--PUNK JUST MEANS RIPPED T-SHIRT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN DENVER,AND THERE WAS A PUNK ROCK SHOP.

IT KIND OF MADE ME LAUGH,THERE WAS A PUNK ROCK SHOP

AND IT HAD A BIG ANARCHY "A"ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW.

ANARCHY "A,"BIG "A," ANARCHY.

NO RULES, NO LAWS.

RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR HOURSOF OPERATION.

(laughter)LIKE, RIGHT--

RIGHT NEXT TO WHERETHEY PARTICIPATE

IN THE FREE MARKET SYSTEM--NO RULES!

BUT WE OPENED AT, UH, 9:00,AND, UM...

(laughter)

AND IT WAS TIDY.IT WAS A TIDY PUNK-ROCK SHOP.

IT WAS SUPER NEATAND CLEAN AND TIDY.

IT WAS WEIRD.IT WAS CLEANER THAN A GAP.

(laughter)

AND I THOUGHT, THAT'S WEIRD.TIDY PUNKS?

MAYBE THAT'S A NEW THING.

MAYBE THAT'SéA NEW GENERATION OF PUNK

THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT,THE TIDY PUNK, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A GUY THAT'S LIKE,YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA KNOCKSOME (bleep) DOWN!

THEN WE'RE GONNA PICK ITRIGHT BACK UP

AND WE'RE GONNA CLEAN ITRIGHT BACK UP, YEAH.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A TIDY ANARCHY.LISTEN, WE ARE GONNA--

WE WANT TO UPSET YOU,BUT THEN WE ALSO WANT

TO HAND YOU A TISSUE,ARE YOU OKAY?

LET'S GO IN THE MOSH PIT.TWO TIMES AROUND ONLY.

TWO TIMES AROUND ONLY.GET A HANDY WIPE, COME ON.

LAST YEAR I WAS INVITEDTO AUSTRALIA

TO PARTICIPATEIN A COMEDY FESTIVAL.

AND WHEN I WAS THERE,I CHECKED IN TO MY HOTEL ROOM,

AND AS THEY DOAT THESE FESTIVALS,

THERE WAS A GIFT BAGOF TCHOTCHKES

FROM AROUND AUSTRALIAAND OF COURSE IN THE GIFT BAG

WAS A STUFFED KOALAAND A BOOMERANG.

ALL RIGHT, AUSTRALIA,I GET IT.

YOU DON'T HAVETO STEREOTYPE YOURSELF.

BUT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAGWAS A SHEET OF COOKIES.

I WAS NOT FAMILIARWITH THIS PARTICULAR COOKIE

'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE IT HERE.

IT'S CALLED A TIM TAM.

(scattered cheering)OH. OH.

TRAVELERS, TRAVELERS.

(laughter)

IT'S AN UNIMPRESSIVE NAME.I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

IT'S TWEE.I DON'T WANT A TIM TAM.

I'M A LITTLE BIT MOREOF A MAN THAN THAT.

BUT I'M IN MY HOTEL ROOMFOR A LITTLE WHILE.

I GET A LITTLE PECKISH.I CRACK OPEN A TIM TAM.

NOW IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIARWITH WHAT IT IS,

IT'S JUST A COOKIE.

IT'S A COOKIE COVEREDIN CHOCOLATE.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

(laughter)

THAT'S HOW I STEREOTYPED IT.BUT I WAS HUNGRY. IT WAS FREE.

I TOOK A BITE. SNAP.OH!

(laughter)

AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.WHAT IS THIS?

WHERE AM I?HALF AN HOUR LIKE LATER--

HALF AN HOUR LATER,I AM NAKED ON MY BED

COVERED IN CHOCOLATE,AND I AM OUT OF TIM TAMS,

AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS--HOW DO I MAKE THIS MY LIFE?

HOW DO I BECOME THIS?(bleep) MY FAMILY.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FAMILY.(bleep) THEM.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DOFOR A LIFE.

IT'S 1975, I'M KEITH RICHARDSAND ANITA PALLENBERG.

WE DON'T CARE WHERETHE STONES ARE, LET'S GET HIGH.

(laughter)

SO CLEARLY I'M OUT.SLIP ON SOME SHORTS.

I GO OUTSIDE AND I FIND THEM

BECAUSE THEY'REIN EVERY CONVENIENCE STORE.

THEY'RE EVERYWHEREIN DIFFERENT FLAVORS!

CARAMEL! VANILLA!CHOCOLATE! FUDGE!

COOKIES AND CREAM!COOKIES AND CREAM!

COOKIES AND CREAM!IT ALREADY IS A COOKIE!

HOW DO YOU FLAVOR A COOKIECOOKIE FLAVOR?

WELL, GOD DAMN IT,THEY'VE DONE IT!

(laughter)

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND WE DON'T HAVE THEMHERE IN AMERICA.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WE'D DIE.PEOPLE HERE WOULD DIE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.WE'RE AN AWESOME COUNTRY.

BUT GOD DAMN IT, WE LOVE TO EAT.WE LOVE IT.

AND WE WILL NOT STOP.WE LOVE TO EAT.

I LOVE TO EAT.THAT'S WHY I GOT SO FAT.

I LOVE TO EAT.

IF I DON'T WALK AWAYFROM A MEAL HURTING,

I DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT.

IF I DON'T WALK AWAYFROM THANKSGIVING DINNER FEELING

LIKE I'VE BEEN TURKEY (bleep)IN A GINGERBREAD PRISON...

(laughter and applause)

I DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT!

PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME,"WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE?

A TIM TAM, CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT?"I CAN'T.

I CAN'T DO IT. "TRY."I CAN'T DO IT.

"CHOCOLATEY?"NO, WRONG WORD.

I MEAN,IT'S RIGHT, BUT IT'S WRONG.

"DELICIOUS?" NO.

"WHAT IS IT, GREG?"IT'S DIRTY. IT'S DIRTY.

"I WANT TO HEAR IT."IT'S DIRTY, I CAN'T SAY IT.

"NO, BUT DO IT."I CAN'T SAY IT, IT'S DIRTY.

"WHAT IS IT?"GOD, IT'S JUST--IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S TOO--YOU KNOW,IT--

WANT TO KNOWWHAT IT TASTES LIKE?

IT--IT'S LIKE--YOU WANT TO--

(laughter)

GOD'S VAGINA.

(laughter)

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