Mike Lawrence, Marina Franklin, Brendon Walsh, Greg Behrendt

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011

Marina Franklin knows that she may not be First Lady material, Brendon Walsh acknowledges his 1800s inventor beard, and Greg Behrendt is inspired by Matthew McConaughey.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEXIN OVER A YEAR IN A HALF.

SO DON'T GIVE IT UPFOR ME.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN OVERA YEAR AND A HALF,

AND PEOPLE ASK ME HOWTHAT'S POSSIBLE AND I SAY,

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS JUST BE YOURSELF."

(laughter)

(applause)

I LIVE IN A BASEMENT NOWAND, LADIES,

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUTMY WINDOWLESS (bleep) PALACE.

(laughter)

THIS IS MY ROUTINEEVERY NIGHT.

I HAVE TO LIFT A METAL GRATEWITH MY TWO HANDS,

WALK DOWN A STAIRCASEHOLDING A LANTERN

AND PUSH COBWEBSOUT OF MY FACE.

SO EVERY NIGHT,I GO TO BED,

I FEEL LIKE A REPUBLICAN SENATORFEEDING HIS GAY SON.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

BEFORE THAT,I HAD TWO ROOMMATES

OR "SURFACE DWELLERS"AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

AND ONE WAS A PARANORMALROMANCE FICTION NOVELIST,

AND THE OTHER WAS A FEMINISTAUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CARTOONIST,

AND I DO STAND UP COMEDY.

SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATMY APARTMENT WAS LIKE,

TRY TO IMAGINETHE MUSICAL "RENT"

IF NO ONE HAD ENOUGH CHARISMATO GET AIDS.

(laughter)

I WAS WITH ONE GIRLFOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS.

SHE WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL

AND COMMUNITY COLLEGESWEETHEART.

(laughter)

AND IT'S ALL BEEN DOWNHILL,AND I I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS

IS BECAUSE I DON'T DRINK.

I COME FROMA LONG LINE OF ALCOHOLICS.

MY FAMILY TREEHAS A CAR WRAPPED AROUND IT.

(laughter)

(applause)

AND I'M A CHILD OF DIVORCE,AND I REALLY HATE THE WAY

I FOUND OUT ABOUTMY PARENTS' DIVORCE.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY MOMTOOK ME OUT FOR ICE CREAM,

AND SHE SAT ME DOWN,SHE SAID, "MICHAEL,

"I'M LEAVING YOUR FATHER.

I'M GOING OFF TO MARRYANOTHER MAN, AND I'M PREGNANT."

AND THAT WAS REALLY MESSED UP'CAUSE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

THREE DIFFERENT TRIPSTO GET ICE CREAM.

(laughter)

WHEN I WAS 12, I WALKED IN ONMY STEPFATHER MASTURBATING

(audience groans)AND...

THE THING YOU MUST KNOWABOUT THAT IS THAT HE'S BALD,

AND WHEN A BALD MANMASTURBATES,

IT'S LIKE HE'S CHOKINGA TINIER VERSION OF HIMSELF.

(laughter and applause)

THERE'S ONE PERSONI HATE MORE THAN ANYTHING

AND THAT'S MY DAD'SCUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA.

WHO I ALWAYS REFER TO AS MYDAD'S CUBAN FIANCéE CONSUELA,

THAT'S WAY SHE'S MOREOF A CONCEPT,

NOT AN ACTUAL PERSON,HAS NO POWER OVER ME.

IT WORKS.BUT SHE DID THIS RECENTLY.

SHE TOLD ME MY DAD WASIN THE HOSPITAL VIA TEXT MESSAGE

AND THE ACTUAL TEXT READ,"BAD NEWS.

"DAD'S IN THE HOSP.HE'S GOT AN INF IN HIS FOOT.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO AMP IT."

SHE AMPUTATEDTHE WORD "AMPUTATE."

(laughter)

NO ME GUSTA,CONSUELA.

NOW I'M SO TERRIFIEDI'M GONNA GET THE DEATH TEXT

ANY DAY NOW.

"BAD NEWS.DAD FELL ASLEEP.

"DIDN'T WAKE UP.MUST HAVE BEEN HIS PROS CANCE.

TEXT BACK TO MAKE FUNARRANGEMENTS."

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

I THINK IT WOULD SUCK TO DIE,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE WAYWORSE TO BE IMMORTAL.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT,EVERY 50 OR 60 YEARS,

YOUR WIFE DIES AND YOU GETTO GET A NEW ONE

AND EACH ONE HAS MORE RIGHTSTHAN THE LAST ONE?

(laughter)

"HEY, HONEY,LET'S GO OUT AND VOTE."

DAMN IT, WOMAN,THAT USED TO BE MY ALONE TIME.

(laughter)

SPEAKING OF ALONE TIME,I'M A BIG COMIC BOOK FAN, AND...

(cheers and applause)

MY FAVORITE MOVIEIS "THE DARK KNIGHT,"

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGUREOUT WHAT CHRISTIAN BALE'S

BATMAN VOICE SOUNDS LIKE TO MEBESIDES (bleep),

AND I FINALLY GOT IT.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A DRAG QUEENAT THE END OF THE NIGHT

WHO JUST DOESN'T CAREANYMORE.

(laughter)

"COME ON CHANTAL,LET'S JUST GO TO THIS CLUB

A FEW BLOCKS DOWN THE ROAD."

(deep gravelly voice)THESE HIGH HEELS...

(laughter)

ARE KILLI ME!

(laughter and applause)

I THINK IT'S REALLY FITTING

BECAUSE SUPERHEROES SOUNDEXACTLY LIKE DRAG QUEENS.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY,WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

IT'S NOT WHO I AM.IT'S WHAT I'VE BECOME.

(laughter)

FUN FACT--I WORKEDAT McDONALD'S FOR SEVEN YEARS.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE LIFE,LIFE LOVES YOU BACK.

(laughter)

I'D SAID I WAS GONNA BE THEREFOR A FEW MONTHS.

I ENDED UP BEING THEREFOR SEVEN YEARS.

SO IT REALLY WASMY VIETNAM.

(laughter and applause)

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERINGHOW I CAN COMPARE

WORKING AT McDONALD'STO VIETNAM

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T(bleep) THERE, MAN!

(laughter and applause)

BUT I WANT TO BELIEVE THE REASONI WAS THERE FOR SO LONG

IS BECAUSE I WAS MEANTO SOME OLD GYPSY WOMAN

IN THE DRIVE-THRUONE MORNING.

I WAS LIKE,MA'AM, ITS 10:35.

WE'RE NOT SELLINGEGG McMUFFINS ANYMORE.

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"OH, BUT I WANT ONE.

THEY ARE EVER SO DELICIOUS."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WE'RE NOTSELLING THEM ANYMORE."

AND THEN SHE GOT CRAZYAND VINDICTIVE AND WAS LIKE,

"FROM THIS DAY FORTH,

"YOU SHALL HAVE THE FACEOF A RAPIST

AND THE SELF-ESTEEMOF ONE OF HIS VICTIMS."

(laughter)

I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITHMY STUPID IDIOT FRIEND.

HE BOUGHT A NEW CELL PHONE,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOWHOW TO WORK IT.

AND THE WHOLE TIMEWE'RE HANGING OUT,

HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUTHOW TO OPERATE HIS PHONE,

AND I WAS LIKE,I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL?

(laughter)

AND WE AGREED, YEAH, PROBABLY.I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

THERE'S PROBABLYA SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE.

I DO KIND OF HAVEAN 1800s INVENTOR BEARD.

OH, IT'S A GREAT LOOK.

SOME LADIES STOPPED MEON THE STREET TODAY

JUST SO SHE CAN TELL METHAT SHE THINKS I LOOK LIKE

ONE OF THE BURGLARSFROM "HOME ALONE."

(laughter and applause)

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?

I TOLD HER SHE LOOKEDLIKE JOE PESCI,

AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

(laughs)

I WAS FEELING COOL TODAY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND TODAY,TOO,

AND I THOUGHT I SAW A COUPLEOF TEENAGE GIRLS

CHECKING ME OUT,YOU KNOW?

BUT THENWHEN I WALKED PAST THEM,

I JUST OVERHEARDTHE ONE TELLING HER FRIEND,

"THERE GOES YOUR BOYFRIEND,SHEILA. (mocking laugh)"

(laughter)

SHE GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE.

IT'S NO FUN BEING ONTHE RECEIVING END OF THAT JOKE.

I'M NOT SHEILA'S BOYFRIEND.

(laughter)

I'M NOBODY'S BOYFRIEND.I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

JUST LIKE EVERY OTHERSTAND-UP COMEDIAN EVER,

I, TOO, HAVE RECENTLY BROKEN UPWITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

(laughter)

(laughs) THEY MAKE YOU DO THATWHEN YOU REGISTER

DOWN AT THE STAND-UP COMEDYOFFICE.

YOU HAVE TO INVENTA RELATIONSHIP AND THEN END IT

FOR THE PURPOSEOF A DUMB JOKE.

I BROKE UP WITHMY LAST GIRLFRIEND.

I'M BAD AT BREAKING UPWITH PEOPLE.

I HATE CONFRONTATION.

I BROKE UP WITH MY LASTGIRLFRIEND OVER THE PHONE.

WELL, I BROKE UP WITH HERVIA VOICE MAIL.

(audience groans)IS THAT TACKY?

HEAR ME OUT!

I DIDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGEON HER VOICEMAIL.

I LEFT IT IN THE OUTGOINGMESSAGE ON MY VOICEMAIL.

(laughter)

IT'S A WAY LESSCONFRONTATIONAL THAT WAY.

YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR HERTO CALL,

AND SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE, "HELLO,YOU'VE REACHED BRENDAN'S PHONE.

IF THIS IS SUSAN,IT'S OVER."

HIT THE BRICKS!(laughs)

SHE WAS--SHE GAVE MY PENIS A NICKNAME.

ANY LADIES EVER DO THATFOR THEIR GUYS?

GIVE THEIR PENISA BIG SCARY NICKNAME?

(laughs)

SHE GAVE MY PENISAN AWESOME NICKNAME.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG,BUT, UH,

SHE USED TO CALL MY PENIS"MICROSOFT."

(laughter)

I KNOW RIGHT?

IT'S A HUGE COMPANY,DUDE.

THAT'S LIKE ONEOF THE BIGGEST,

MOST POWERFUL COMPANIESON THE PLANET.

IT'S GOT MILLIONSOF EMPLOYEES.

ACTUALLY I'LL BE HONESTWITH YOU, FOLKS,

BEFORE I CAME HERE TONIGHT,

I LAID OFF A FEW MILLIONEMPLOYEES FROM MICROSOFT

BACK AT MY HOTEL ROOM.

(laughter and applause)

TWO ROUNDS OF MASSIVE LAYOFFS.

(laughs)

I WAS DATING HERFOR A LONG TIME, YOU KNOW,

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'REDATING SOMEBODY FOR TOO LONG,

YOU JUST DON'T WANTTO DO IT ANYMORE

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO TALKTO THEM ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

LEADS TO LIKE "NEH,"TALKING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DATE HERANYMORE, SO THIS IS WHAT I DID.

IT WORKED OUT GREAT.

I BOUGHT SOME WEED,

AND THEN--THEN I PUT ITIN HER PURSE.

(laughter)

AND I CALLED THE COPS ON HER.

IT'S, UH--IT'S LIKE A TRIAL SEPARATION.

IT GAVE ME LIKE 30 DAYSTO FIGURE OUT

WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

I LIVE IN, UM--I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,

AND RECENTLY WE VOTED,

THE STATE OF CALIFORNIAVOTED TO LEGALIZE WEED.

IT DIDN'T PASS 'CAUSE ALLTHE STUPID STONERS

FORGOT TO VOTE.

THEY WERE ALL PLAYINGFRISBEE GOLF OR SOMETHING.

(laughter)

I MEAN POT'S ALREADY BASICALLYLEGAL IN LOS ANGELES.

LIKE, YOU CAN GO GETA PRESCRIPTION.

YOU GO TO, LIKE,SOME DOCTOR NAMED CAPTAIN TOKE

OR WHATEVERAND HE'D LIKE WRITES YOU

A PRESCRIPTION FORSOME TRAIN WRECK OR WHATEVER.

IT'S VERY EASY TO GET,BUT I HAVE ALL THESE, LIKE,

STONER FRIENDS WHO WON'TGET THEIR POT CARD,

AND THEIR THEIR EXCUSE ACROSSTHE BOARD IS ALWAYS LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T WANTTO GET THAT CARD.

"THEY PUT YOU ON THE LIST,MAN.

YOU WIND UP ON SOME GOVERNMENTLIST WHEN YOU GET THAT CARD."

I'M LIKE, WHAT LISTARE THEY GONNA PUT YOU ON,

A LIST OF GUYSWHO PROBABLY HAVE TICKETS

TO THE PINK FLOYD'SLASER LIGHT SHOW NEXT WEEK?

LIKE, YOU'RE WEARINGA "CAT IN THE HAT" HAT

PLAYING BONGO DRUMS IN THE PARKON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON.

I THINK YOU'RE ALREADYON WHATEVER (bleep) LIST

YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID BEING ON,YOU DUMB STUPID STONER.(applause)

DUMB HIPPIE.

I'M GONNA SHAVED OFF MY BEARD.I LOOK TOO MUCH LIKE A STONER.

I DON'T SMOKETHAT MUCH POT ANYMORE.

I'M GONNA SHAVE OFF MY BEARD,AND THIS IS--

I INVENTED A NEW FORMOF FACIAL HAIR.

FEEL FREE TO TAKE THIS HOMEWITH YOU.

I'M GONNA SHAVE MY BEARD,BUT I'M GONNA DO--

IT'S CALLED THE SWOOP, AH,AND THE WAY IT WORKS

IS YOU GROWYOUR RIGHT SIDEBURN

DOWN AND AROUND INTOA LEFT HALF OF A MOUSTACHE.

IT'S THE SWOOP.DO IT.(laughter)

YOU'LL BE THE ONLY GUYSWOOPING IT UP IN BROOKLYN.

TAKE IT HOME WITH YOU.

YOU DO THAT IF YOU'RE AN ADULT.YOU CAN GROW A SWOOP.

NOBODY CAN TELL YOUWHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE AN ADULTAND YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY,

YOU CAN BUY BIRTHDAY CAKESWHENEVER YOU WANT, TOO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT

FOR SOMEBODY'S BIRTHDAYTO ROLL AROUND.

LIKE, YOU CAN WALK INTOA BAKERY TOMORROW,

ORDER THREE BIRTHDAY CAKES ANDMAKE THE BAKER WRITE ON THEM

BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER

AND JUST STAND THEREAND EAT ONE RIGHT IN FRONT

OF THAT STUPID BAKER'SDUMB BAKER FACE.

THEY HAVE TO WRITEWHAT YOU TELL THEM TO.

THEY TAKE AN OATH.THE BAKERS HAVE TO DO IT.

LIKE, YOU COULD GO INTOA BAKERY AND GET A BIRTHDAY CAKE

AND MAKE THE BAKER WRITE ON IT,"PEOPLE WHO MAKE BIRTHDAY CAKES

FOR A LIVING ARE MOUTH-BREATHINGDOUCHE BAGS."

(laughter)AND HE'S JUST GOT TO...

(laughter)

"HERE YOU GO."

(laughs)OR GO INTO A BAKERY

GET THE BIGGEST BIRTHDAY CAKETHEY HAVE IN THE PLACE

AND MAKE THEM WRITE ON IT,

"HAPPY FIFTH AND FINAL BIRTHDAY"RIGHT THERE ON THE CAKE.

MAKE 'EM PUT A BIG SAD CLOWNON THERE WITH A WILTED FLOWER

MAKE EVERYBODY IN THE BAKERYALL BUMMED OUT.

OF THIS VAMPIRE WEEKEND THING,ALL RIGHT?

(laughter)NOW...

I DON'T HATE VAMPIRE WEEKEND,AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO WEAR A--

WELL,LET'S BE REAL ABOUT IT.

I'LL WEAR A BOAT SHOE,BUT I'M NOT GONNA WEAR,

YOU KNOW,A ROLLED PINK SHORT PANTS

AND WEAR MY GUITAR UP HERE,WHATEVER.

IT'S A JAUNTY RIFF,AND I KNOW PEOPLE ENJOY IT.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH THEM, BUT WHAT I--

WHAT I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH,WHERE I TAKE UMBRAGE,

WHERE I DO IN FACTTAKE UMBRAGE

IS AT THE FANSOF VAMPIRE WEEKEND

BECAUSE THEY AREA PRICKLY LOT.

LISTEN TO ME.OH, THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.

UH, HANG ON.HERE WE GO.

THIS FROM iTUNES.LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE TIMETO WRITE ON iTUNES,

AND YOU'RE GONNA WRITE ABOUTA BAND OR SOMETHING YOU LIKE

AND AND YOUR REVIEWDOESN'T HAVE THE WORDS

"(bleep) AND "AWESOME" IN IT,STOP.

I ONLY LIKE REVIEWSTHAT ARE WRITTEN IN CAPS

AND INCLUDE THE WORD"(bleep) AWESOME"

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KINDOF FAN THAT I LIKE.

NOT THIS FAN.LET ME READ THIS.

THIS IS A REVIEW OF THEIRSECOND RECORD, ALL RIGHT?

"CONTRA." THEY HAD A RECORD.IT CAME OUT.

IT WAS CALLED "CONTRA."CAME OUT LAST YEAR.

THIS IS THE REVIEW.

IT SAID, "I WAS AFRAID THAT THISWAS GOING TO BE 11 TRACKS

OF VAMPIRE WEEKEND TRYINGTO SOUND LIKE VAMPIRE WEEKEND."

(laughter)

WHAT THE--

(bleep) WHO ARE YOU,YOU ASS?

IF YOU (bleep) LIVE VAMPIRE--WOULDN'T YOU--

THAT'S LIKE SAYING,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE COCA-COLA,BUT THE NEXT TIME I DRINK ONE,

IT BETTER (bleep) TASTELIKE A CAN OF BEES.

(laughter)I WANT TO BE--YEAH.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVETHE SAME EXPERIENCE AT ALL.

I LIKE COKE,BUT I WANT TO GET HURT.

I WANT IT TO BE DIFFERENT,RIGHT?

SO THAT'S HOW THIS UNGRATEFULGUY STARTS HIS REVIEW.

BUT THEN HE GOES ON.OH, NO.

BUT HE WAS THRILLED TO FINDTHAT THEY STILL GOT IT.

THEY--THE THING THAT YOU--WHAT?

WHAT DO THEY STILL HAVE?THE THING THAT YOU WERE JUST--

BUT HE CLARIFIES.

(laughter)"IF ANYTHING,

THEY SOUND MORE LIKE THEM THANTHEY DID ON THE LAST ALBUM."

(laughter)

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN--"THEY SOUND MORE LIKE THEM

THAN THEY DIDON THE LAST ALBUM,"

AND YET IN THE BEGINNINGOF HIS REVIEW,

THAT'S WHAT HE WASTHE MOST AFRAID OF!"

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