Macdonald, Dillery, Hodge
Nice to see you.
I had this dream, you know.
I had a dream last night.
You ever have have a dream,and then you wake up right
in the good part ofthe dream and you're
back in yourstinking life again?
-And you know it was endingso you- you fall asleep.
You try to re-dream it.
Man, that never works.
Always end up withsome weird mutation
of your originaldream, you know.
Like in the first dream I wasin a pool with Christie Brinkley
and we were swimming towardeach other, and then I woke up.
So I fell asleepagain and ended up
shooting pool withDavid Brinkley.
-So that wasn't the samething at all there, you know.
Ah, it's great tobe here, though.
I should tell yousomething about myself.
I love all the sports.
The only sports I don't like,you ever see those sports where
they'll- they'll try tocombine two sports together,
you know, and theydon't even work.
-Like, the guy'll run 100yard dash and then fish.
-Man, that stinks.
-But I love the TV.
You know, I always watch the TV.
You know, although commercials,I certainly don't like those.
I don't like those commercialson the TV, you know.
I saw this one.
It was for cat food.
Says- the end of itsays, "all natural food
for your cat, allnatural food," you know.
But cat food's madeout of horse meat.
Yeah, that's the wayit works in nature.
The- the cat, right abovethe horse in the food chain.
-Matter of fact,every time my kitty
gets little coopedup in the apartment,
I- I like to takehim down a racetrack,
let him stalk some preydown there, you know.
-So cute when he comes trottingback with a stallion hanging
out of his mouth,you know what I mean.
People bidding big money, that'smy favorite thing, you know.
I love seeing that.
You ever see The Dating Game?
That's a weird gameshow there, huh?
The prize- the prize on thatshow, another contestant.
-Talk about cheap, you know.
They chuck you somebodyelse on the show.
And they always do thesame thing on the show.
They get a beautiful girl, matchher up with three giant dorks,
Last week they had a guy on,was like a crazy guy, loony
bin, psycho, wing nut, you know.
You could tell by theway they introduce him.
Go, "bachelor number two is aa shadowy, lurking character."
-From no fixed address, pleasewelcome, he's- he's just a guy.
His hobbies include skulkingand thinking the world
owes him a living.
Here's he is.
Menacing figure comes shamblinginto the studio there,
And then- then they make thegirls ask those questions,
They're always- always lacedwith sexual innuendo, you know.
-Like, the girl'll go,"bachelor number two, if I were
a Popsicle, whatwould you do to me?"
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Suck it.
-What would you do to me if Iwere a Popsicle That's what it
says on the card here, somethingabout a- about a Popsicle.
So the guy's, "Oh, ifyou're a popsicle, huh?
Well, first of all, I guessI'd take your wrapper off."
-"If you know what I mean.
Then I'd grab a holdof your sticks,"
-"If you know what I mean.
Then I'd press you against thecounter till you broke in two."
-"Put half of you inthe freezer till later,"
-"You know what I mean."
-Some kind of crazy noise there.
There's violenceeverywhere, isn't there?
All kinds of violenceon the TV, you know.
You're not supposed towatch violence on the TV.
Children, they can't watchit because they're afraid
maybe the- the kids will copysomething they see on the TV.
-I can't even get afunny cartoon anymore
because some 12-year-oldsomewhere watched
a particularly violent episodeof the Road Runner Coyote
show and the next day they foundhim at the bottom of a canyon,
two giants springsstrapped to his feet.
-He had a little umbrella inhis hand, sign said, "Yikes."
-No, there's violenceeverywhere, you know.
Actually, I wasreading the paper.
Get this, I was astory in the paper.
A guy killed his family ifyou can believe this, folks.
A guy killed his familybecause the devil told him to.
Boy, what a dork, huh?
That was the headline actually.
Said, "What a dork."
Guy kills his family becausethe devil told him to, you know.
-And imagine you'redoing that and then
afterwards you goback to the devil.
You go, "Yes, devil, Idid as you instructed.
I killed my family,and I chopped
them and put themin a duffel bag.
Here they are in a duffel bag.
I'll be burying themtonight at the shallow grave
by the side of the railroadtrack, as you have commanded,
oh lord host of thehoary netherworld."
You know, and then thedevil pulls off his mask.
"It's me, Bob."
-Then you go, "Ha, Bob.
Geez, you got me there, Bob.
You got me.
Is my face red orwhat over here?
I got my familyin a duffel bag."
-"Well, that's onefor you there, Bob.
I- I gotta give it to you, Bob."