That was electric, everybody.
If y'all can keep bringingthat thunder,
I'll see if I can handle it.
Oh, man, you guys
got to bear with me, man.
I was driving here tonight,
and I'm a little shook up, man.
I was sitting in the middle laneat this stop light
and I heard these tires startskidding behind me.
And I looked upin my rearview--
and it was the duderight behind me.
This ever happen to you before?Right?
Man, my stomach dropped.
My adrenaline started pumping.
I gripped the steering wheel.
I was like, please, Jesus,
let this guy hit me.
I need this!
I got bills to pay, man.
I can get 16 out of this one.
Maybe 22 with a good lawyer.
You know whiplash runsin my family.
I'm not asking you for much.
I just want to bethis intersection's
winning Lotto ticket.
'Cause I do not dothe work thing well.
You ever lie so muchon a résumé
that when they askyou something,
you're like... "It says that?"
(laughter and applause)
"My objective was to owna bakery?"
You start panicking,saying stuff
that doesn't even makeany sense at all, man.
You're like, "That's probably
"a cut-and-pasteright there, man.
You know how Word is."
Then you got people that justmake up their own jobs.
You know, like the publicrestroom attendant.
I still don't get the philosophybehind having a grown man
in the bathroom sellingcandy and gum
That is filthy.
In a public restroom?
That is disgusting.
If you went overto your buddy's house
and he had a jarof Skittles
sitting on the backof the toilet,
are you eating any of them?
(laughter and applause)
But for whatever reason,
that's acceptablein a public restroom.
And I don't know about any ofyou in here tonight, New York,
but I have never rushedinto a restroom
in any kind of emergency,like, "Oh, my God,
"oh, man, I don't thinkI'm going to make it. Oh, my...
"Is that a Twix?
I'm gonna go aheadand get me a Twix."
I realize. Like, I see a guywith a beard,
I'm, like, "He's goingthrough something," you know?
I don't trust it.To me, it just seems like,
"I'm just gonna pull my littlebeard blankie up to my nose.
Just hide out."
I wish I could have a beard.
It would be so cool.
It's such a great poker face,you know?
I wish I had a beardand two eye patches.
I think I'm depressed.I really do.
Is it depressionwhen you wake up
with your hands in fists?
Or when your way of gettingsomething done
is you take a 20-hour nap,and then every two hours
you wake up like,"I'm worthless."
And then you justfall back asleep.
'Cause if so,I might have a problem.
Everything seemslike work to me, you know?
Like, even checking voicemail,I'm, like, "Ugh!"
Just text me, you know?I don't want to deal with it.
You have to be careful'cause I always do that thing
where you see the missed call
and you don't listento the message.
and you just callthe person back.
You have to be very careful.
because it could be, like,a Friday night, you know.
Say your friend Sarah calls,and she's, like,
"Chelsea, uh, this is Sarah.
"I was just attackedby three guys.
"It was like something outof The Accused.
"You know the sceneI'm talking about?
"I could really useyour guidance and support.
Please call me back.This is Sarah," you know?
And I'll just see the missedcall and call her back
without listening, and, like,"What's up, slut?!"
So, my name is Hari.
It's mispronounced a fewdifferent ways in this country:
Haree, Hari, Hairy;multiple ways to screw it up.
What frustrates me moreat this point
is whenthe computer screws it up.
I'll type somethinginto Microsoft Word,
I go for the spell check,and, oh, snap,
my name is somehowspelled wrong.
How is this possible, audience?
Well, apparently, Hari isspelled H-A-I-R, "Hair"!
What kind of name is Hair?
My parents weren't hippies.
That doesn't make any sense.
Over a billion Indian peoplein the world.
I'm sure at least five millionHaries,
I'm sure at least half of themwork for Microsoft,
so that mistake is unacceptable.
Thank you. Thank you.
Diversity is a very big issuein this country.
Diversity in the schools,diversity in the workplace.
When people talk aboutdiversity,
they're talking about peopleof color,
which is kind of weird to me'cause when you think about it,
white people are actuallythe most diverse people
in the world.
Have you ever askeda white person
what their cultural heritage is?
You get a math equationthrown back at you.
I'm a third-Germanand a fourth-Irish
and one-sixteenth Welsh.
It's, like, "Damn, Steve,all these years
"I thought you were just white.My bad. My bad.
"Should have been moresensitive. I'm so sorry."
One time I decidedto actually do the math.
My buddy was going overhis heritage, right?
I'm, like, "I'm gonna add upthe fractions
and see what happens."
So I added up and it cameout to 99/100.
There was a hundredth missing.Weird.
So I asked him about it.
I'm, like, "Hey, man,where's that hundredth?"
All of a sudden, he didn't wantto talk about it anymore.
He got all defensive,he tried to change the subject,
and that's whenI figured it out.
That hundredth, that hundredthis the part of white people
that descends directlyfrom the devil.
The rumors are true!
That's my favorite joke.I'm sorry. It really is.
I like that joke a lot.
I like it partly 'cause I know
there a people in the audiencethinking,
"That percentage is gonna beblack, isn't it?
It's gonna be black."
What worries me more, though,
is that there are gonna bepeople in the audience thinking
"Thank God it was the deviland not black, huh?
That guy lucked out.I'm a racist."