Nick Kroll, Chris Hardwick, Matt Braunger, Kristen Schaal

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010

Nick Kroll loves LA's Latin radio, Matt Braunger doesn't want a world full of flying babies, and Kristen Schaal likes to demonstrate her roster of funny facial expressions.

I ATTENDEDALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

I MEAN FOR HIGH SCHOOL,NOT RECENTLY, THAT'D BE WEIRD.

AND ALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOLIS A LOT LIKE GOING

TO A REGULAR SCHOOLEXCEPT YOUR TEACHER IS A PRIEST.

WITH BENEFITS!

OHH...WHAT?

OH, DAMN.

(laughter)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT.

NO, I'M KIDDING.

I WAS NEVER TOUCHEDBY ANY PRIEST IN SCHOOL.

WHICH MAKES ME THINK,AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE?

WHAT THE...

USUALLY THEY ARE GIVINGTHAT...AWAY.

UM, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,OR "CRY PODS," AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

I--I FEEL LIKE I REALLYHAVE TO START THINKING SERIOUSLY

ABOUT HAVING KIDSIF I'M GONNA DO IT

'CAUSE I'M 37 YEARS OLD,AND IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

KIDS WHO ARE THE PRODUCTOF OLD SPERM ARE NOT RIGHT.

THEY'RE OFF,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE,THEY'RE A LITTLE OFF.

THE FRESHER THE MAYO,THE BETTER THE SANDWICH.

THAT'S A VERY SIMPLE FORMULATHAT WE SHOULD ADHERE TO.

AND YOU KNOW--YOU KNOWWHO THE OLD-SPERM KIDS ARE

IN GRADE SCHOOL.

LIKE, YOUNG-SPERM KIDS RUNALL STRONG FROM THEIR CORE.

OLD-SPERM KIDS--IT'S ALL LIMBS.

LIKE, THEY CAN'T--JUST CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I AM INTO THE NERDLY ARTS,

I LOVE TECHNOLOGY.

I REVIEW GADGETSAND WHATNOT FOR TELEVISION,

MAGAZINES AND STUFF.

AND I RECENTLY REVIEWEDTHE NERDIEST THING

I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFOREIN MY LIFE, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS LIKE A FULL-ON LEATHERFERRARI RACING SEAT

WITH LIKE ARMRESTSAND HEADRESTS AND PEDALS

FOR YOUR XBOX 360!

BEEP-BEEP!OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL CALL THATTHE VIRGINITY HARNESS

BECAUSE...(laughter)

YOU WILL NEVER BE INSIDEA WOMAN

IF SHE SEES THATIN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

YOU COULD TRY TO HAVE SEXWITH HER,

BUT HER BODY WILL LITERALLYREJECT YOU.

IT'LL BE LIKE TRYING TO FEEDA FIDGETY TODDLER, LIKE,

MM-HMM, NOPE,NOT GOING IN THERE.

MNH-MNH...

(grunts, spits)

(laughter)

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEEA VAGINA SWIVEL ON ITS AXIS,

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

(laughter)

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE NERDS LIKE THINGSTHAT MAKE VAGINAS GO AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

NOW I'VE INCURREDTHE WRATH OF NERDS,

NERDS ARE GONNA RUN UP TO MEON THE STREET

BECAUSE OF THAT LAST STATEMENT.

"TECHNICALLY,THE PLURAL OF...

(laughter)

VAGINA IS VAGINAE, AHH!"

(laughter)

THEN HE'LL SCAMPER OFFINTO A CREVICE AND SHIVER

BECAUSE NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IT'S JUST PARTOF THE NERD PACKAGE.

NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IF THERE WEREA NERD FIGHT ANTHEM,

I THINK IT WOULD GOLIKE THIS--

♪ NERD FIGHT,THERE'S NO PHYSICAL CONTACT ♪

♪ NERD FIGHT,INTERNALIZE EMOTIONS ♪

♪ AND GO HOME AND MASTURBATEOUT OF ANGER ♪

(laughter)

ABOUT VAGINAS TO STRANGERS.

37 YEARS OLD.IT'S WEIRD.

I--I FEEL MYSELFGETTING OLDER IN WAYS--

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLETHINK 30 IS GONNA BE A BIG DEAL.

AND IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO TURN 30,I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

30 IS NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL,YOU GUYS, TOTALLY COOL.

35 IS WEIRD BECAUSETHAT'S THE AGE WHERE

YOU START CHECKING A WHOLEDIFFERENT BOX

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING OUTSURVEYS.

LIKE, YOU USED TO GETTHAT SWEET 18-TO-34-YEAR-OLD BOX

AND AFTER THAT,IT'S JUST 35-TO-CORPSE!

NO ONE GIVES A...(laughter)

WHAT YOU LIKE AFTER YOU'RE 35'CAUSE YOUR OLD AND CREEPY,

AND WHY SHOULD THEY?

I CAN'T SHOP AT THE SAME PLACESI USED TO SHOP AT ANYMORE.

LIKE, I USED TO LOVE TO GO TOTHE ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH STORE.

I LOVE IT. LOVE IT.CAN'T GO NEAR THEM ANYMORE.

THEY'VE TURNED THEMINTO THESE CREEPY NIGHTCLUBS

THAT ARE DESIGNED TO SCAREOLD PEOPLE AWAY.

(laughter)

YOU WALK BY THESE PLACESIN MALLS,

AND THEY'RE DARKAND OMINOUS

AND THEY'RE PUMPINGTHIS COLOGNE OUT IN FRONT

THAT SMELLS LIKE DATE RAPEAND IT...(laughter)

AND IT GETS IN YOUR HEADAND CLOUDS YOUR JUDGMENT.

THERE'S ALWAYS TWO RIPPEDSHIRTLESS DUDES

STANDING OUT FRONTGUARDING IT LIKE

IT'S SOME KIND OFGAY SPACE PALACE.

(laughter)

AND YOU GO INSIDE AND THERE'STHIS THUMPING TECHNO MUSIC

THAT'S JUST GAYERTHAN...ON A MOUSTACHE.

JUST LIKE...(laughter)

NOT A JUDGMENT.NOT A JUDGMENT.

BUT YOU REALLY EXPECTTO GO INSIDE

AND SEE PEOPLESIPPING APPLETINIS

WHILE DOING COKEOF MANNEQUINS ASSES,

WHILE VAMPIRES ARE FEEDINGON ASIAN SCHOOLGIRLS

IN THE DRESSING ROOMS.

WHILE THE GHOST OF OSCAR WILDEIS...THE GHOST OF ANDY WARHOL

ON THE BACK OF A UNICORNWITH A...FOR A HORN

SHOOTING RAINBOWS ONTOA "PROJECT RUNWAY" MARATHON.

(laughter)

LET'S GET TO IT, GUYS.

DOGS VERSUS CATS,WHICH IS IT? DOGS OR CATS?

(audience shouting)

ALL RIGHT, WHO SAID CATS?(man) YEAH!

OKAY, YOU'RE WRONG.OKAY.

CATS ARE THE WORST.CATS ARE THE WORST.

THEY ARE THE WORST.GIVE IT UP, YES.(applause)

THANK YOU.I WILL TAKE IT.

(laughs)THEY ARE THE WORST.

THEY'RE SO UNGRATEFUL.THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

THEY'RE COLD AND INDIFFERENT,

WHICH IRONICALLY IS--WHAT I HATE IN CATS

IS WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WOMEN.

I--I DON'T LIKE BEINGAROUND THEM,

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JUSTNOT LIKE--LIKE, A CAT--

LIKE, A DOG WILL BRING YOUA NEWSPAPER, RIGHT?

A CAT WILL BE LIKE,

"OH, I THOUGHT YOUWANTED ME TO BRING YOU

A DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS."

(laughter)

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW

WHICH MEANS I DRIVE AROUNDALL THE TIME,

AND I LOVE DRIVINGBECAUSE IT MEANS

I GET TO LISTEN TO THE RADIO,

AND BY FAR, MY FAVORITE THINGTO LISTEN TO ON THE RADIO

IS LATIN RADIO.

'CAUSE THOSE DUDES ARE HAVINGTHE BEST TIME OF ANYBODY.

IT'S LIKE, BIENVENIDOS DAMAS Y CABALLEROS!

ON NUEVE, UNO, UNO, PUNTO NUEVE!

EL SANGRE DE LOS ANGELES.

YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!

CUCURICU! CUCURICU!

(Latin accent) YOU CAN LISTENTO US ON OUR WEB SITE

AT NUEVE, UNO, UNO, PUNTO NUEVE!

PUNTO COM!

ALL RIGHT.LET'S TAKE A CALLER.

FIRST CALLER,YOU ON THE AIR.

(high-pitched voice) HOLA, YO SOY UN BEBE.

OKAY, WE GOT A BABYON THE PHONE!

QUE PASA, BABY?! QUE PASA, BABY?!

TODO IGUAL. TODO IGUAL.

(laughter)

DONDE ESTA MIS GAFAS DE SOL PARA EL BEBE?

OKAY, HE'S ASKINGWHERE ARE HIS BABY SUNGLASSES?

(laughter)

WHERE ARE HIS BABY SUNGLASSES?

FIRST CALLER TO CORRECTLYIDENTIFY

WHERE THE BABY SUNGLASSES AREWILL GET THE GRAND PRIZE

OF AN OLD PAIROF PIJAMAS!

(laughter)

THE FIRST JOKEOF THE DAY COMES FROM

ALEJANDRO IN ARGENTINA.

HE WRITE, "HOW MANY BOLIVIANSDOES IT TAKE

"TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

ZERO, BECAUSE THEY HAVENO ELECTRICITY."

(laughter)

AND THE SECOND JOKEOF THE DAY!

THE SECOND JOKE OF THE DAY

COMES FROM MICOIN ARGENTINA AS WELL.

HE WRITES,

"WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDINGA WORM IN YOUR APPLE?

AIDS.AIDS IS WORSE."

(laughter)

IT'S A DEBILITATINGVIRU-U-U-U-S!

CUCURICU! CUCURICU!

DON'T EXIST TO MAKE YOUR OWNLIFE FEEL BETTER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NOT A LOT OF MONEYIN MY BANK ACCOUNT,

BUT AT LEAST THERE'SNO GODZILLA, RIGHT?

AT LEAST THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.THAT WOULD SUCK.

I'M LIKE THAT WITH CHERUBS.YOU KNOW, FLYING BABIES?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?CHERUBIM.

THAT'D BE HORRIBLE.(laughter)

THAT'D BE HOR--LIKE, I WAS A--I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE.

BELIEVE IT.(laughter)

AND, UM, I WAS, UH--(chuckles)

I WAS IN ITALY.BELIEVE THAT, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AND WE'RE WALKING AROUNDTHIS CHURCH, RIGHT,

AND THERE'S ALL THESE PAINTINGSOF CHERUBS, YOU KNOW,

AND THEY'RE DOING NICE THINGSLIKE CARRYING GRAPES.

THERE'S TWO OF THEM.THEY HAVE A BLANKET, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S KIND OF CHUBBY NAKEDWOMAN JUST LAYING SIDEWAYS

LOOKING AT YOU, ALWAYS,WITH THE CHERUBS.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IFCHERUBS WERE REAL?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I CANNOT IMAGINEA WORSE WORLD...(laughter)

THAN FLYING--IF BABIES COULD FLY.

BABIES ARE SOCIOPATHS,OKAY?

BABIES DON'T CARE.

YOU EVER CHANGEA BABY'S DIAPER?

IT WAITS FOR YOU TO OPEN ITTO PISS IN YOUR MOUTH AND FACE.

"HA, HA, HA, HA!"

BABY WOULD TAKE YOUR SANDWICHAND POOP ON YOUR HEAD,

FLYING AROUND.

LIKE, THEY WOULD FOLLOW YOUTO PEE ON YOU.

LIKE, "HEY-HEY!(laughs) HEY."

WHO'S KID IS THIS?!

(laughter)

DAMN IT!

I WAS ACTUALLY JUST IN--JUST IN ARKANSAS, WHICH--

FOR A FAMILY REUNION.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,BEAUTIFUL STATE,

BUT THE LEVEL OF"I DON'T GIVE A...HOW I LOOK

WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE"THERE IS JUST--(smacks lips)

LIKE, IT'S JUST--LIKE,"I'M PROUD OF IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTAN ULTRA-CAUTIOUS GUY.

"OH, I SHOULD SHAVE.I'M GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET"

OR WHATEVER.

WE WERE DRIVING ALONGTHIS HIGHWAY, RIGHT?

AND WE JUST SLOWED TO A CRAWLBECAUSE SOMEONE--

WELL, NOT SOMEONE--

A FARMER HAD PULLED HIS TRACTORINTO THE REGULAR CAR LANE.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

AND HE'S DRIVING LIKE FIVE MILESAN HOUR JUST GOING,

"I LOVE DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY."(imitates tractor engine)

AND EVERYONE IN LINE IS TEARINGTHE SKIN OFF THEIR SKULLS

IN FRUSTRATION, LIKE, "GET OUTOF THE ROAD, FARMER! DAMN IT!"

YOU KNOW,AND THEY'RE GOING CRAZY,

AND THIS GUY COMES OUTOF HIS HOUSE

AND DECIDES TO MOW HIS LAWNIN NOTHING--NOTHING

BUT A HAT AND HIS UNDERWEAR,RIGHT?

AND I HAD, LIKE, THREE FEMALECOUSINS IN THE CAR.

NOT A HANDSOME MAN,BELLY, FLAPJACK ASS CHEEKS

JUST HANGING OUT,AND HIS UNDERWEAR--

I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING, LIKE,OH, LIKE, BOXERS,

LIKE--LIKE, THEY LOOKLIKE SHORTS.

LIKE, NO, BRIEFS, OKAY?SHREDDED AND FLYING IN THE WIND.

LIKE, YOU COULD SEE HIS BALLSAND JUST A HINT OF...

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PENIS.

AND I WAS, LIKE, "DISGUSTING,"BUT THEN HE MOWED

AND WENT RIGHT IN FRONT OFTHE SUNSET

AND IT CAUGHTALL THE GOLDEN HAIRS

AND THE SHINEOF THE TOBACCO JUICE

ON HIS MUSTACHE, AND IT WASBREATHTAKING, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AMAZING.

AND I LOOKED AT IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

IF ANYTHING SHOULD BE ONTHE STATE LICENSE PLATE

FOR ARKANSAS,IT'S THAT.

JUST, "ARKANSAS...(imitates engine)

WE DON'T GIVEA CRAP ABOUT NOTHING."

(imitates engine)

EVER SINCE I SAW

THIS ABANDONED BACKPACKON THE CORNER

OF MERCER AND HOUSTON,

AND I JUST KEPT IT TO MYSELF.

(laughter)

AND THE WHOLE DAY I WAS, LIKE,"ARE YOU GONNA SAY SOMETHING?"

RIGHT THERE.IT HAPPENED RIGHT THERE.

NEW YORK CITY, HUH, GUYS?I LOVE IT.

(cheers and applause)

I LOVE THIS CITY.

I THINK IF YOU LIVEIN THIS CITY OF DREAMS,

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVEA BAD DAY HERE.

(laughter)

I REALLY THINK THAT,I DO, EVEN IF--

LET'S JUST SAY THAT SOMETHINGGOES AWRY IN YOUR DAY,

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,RIDING YOUR BIKE OR SOMETHING,

AND THEN SOMEONE HITS YOUWITH THEIR CAR...(laughter)

OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?

AT LEAST YOU CAN LAY OUTAND ENJOY THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS

WHILE YOU WAITFOR THE AMBULANCE.

AM I RIGHT?!AM I RIGHT?!

AM I RIGHT, NEW YORK CITY?AM I?

AM I?(laughter)

AM I RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT, SIR?

'CAUSE I HIT A GUYON HIS BIKE TODAY.

(laughter)

AND I JUST KEPT DRIVING.

(laughter)

I JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW

THAT I AM A VERY PROLIFICPLAYWRIGHT,

AND IN NEW YORK CITY,WE LIKE TO--WHEN WE'RE DONE

WITH OUR...WE'LL JUST THROW ITON THE GROUND, AND--

'CAUSE WE'RE ARTISTS.

SO THE OTHER DAY,I TRIPPED OVER A MATTRESS

ON THE STREET AND I THOUGHT,

"WOW, WHAT IS THIS STORYOF THIS MATTRESS?"

AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UPWITH MY ONE-WOMAN SHOW

"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

SO I WANT TO DO THE FIRST ACTFOR YOU TONIGHT

JUST TO GET A BUZZ OUT THERE,AND WHO KNOWS,

YOU KNOW, BROADWAY.(laughs)

FOR THE--FOR ALL THREE.OKAY.

SO THIS IS CALLED"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

OKAY.

(laughter)

I KNOW YOU SEE ME,

THROWN OUT ON THE STREETLIKE A USED CONDOM

ON THE SCRAP HEAP OF LIFE.

I SEE YOU WALKING BY,SELF-ABSORBED WITH YOUR LIVES

AND YOUR iPhones.

WOW, HOW DO THOSE iPhonesEVEN WORK WITHOUT THE BUTTONS

AND THE MAPS COMING UP?

IT'S SO MAGICAL.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE TO MAKE THEM,TO HAVE TO GIVE A DRAGON A...

AND HE'D...AN iPhone.

(laughter)

GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW.YEAH, KEEP WALKING.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO TALKTO A DIRTY OLD MATTRESS EITHER.

WELL, THERE IS ONE MATTRESSI'D LIKE TO TALK TO,

MY TWIN BROTHER.

I NEVER GOT TO MEET MY TWIN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.I WAS RARELY ALONE.

THE FIRST PERSON TO SLEEP ON MEWAS A COLLEGE KID NAMED CLAY.

CLAY WAS AFRAID OF COLLEGE,AFRAID OF BEING AWAY FROM HOME,

AFRAID OF LIFE, REALLY.

EVERY NIGHT HE'D CRY HIMSELFTO SLEEP,

AND I'D SOAK UP HIS TEARS.

(laughter)

IN THE MORNING,I'D SOAK UP HIS PENIS TEARS.

(laughter)

WE HAD A DEAL.

WELL, AFTER THAT,

CLAY PASSED ME ON TO A BAD MANNAMED JOHN.

JOHN USED MEAND MY PILLOW FRIEND SAL

TO KILL SOMEBODY!

I'M JUST GLAD THAT

I'M NOT MADEOUT OF MEMORY FOAM.

(laughter)

WHOO!IT SURE IS COLD OUT HERE.

COLDER THAN A WITCH'S TIT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY WITCHES' TITSARE SO COLD.

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE WITCHES,AND THEY'RE HATEFUL.

AND THEIR NIPPLES ARE MADEOUT OF ICE, DRY ICE,

WHICH YOU SHOULDNEVER, EVER TOUCH.

(laughter)

I KNOW 'CAUSE A WITCH SLEPTBELOW ME

AND HAUNTED A CHILD.

(laughter)

YOU KNOW, I'VE SUPPORTEDA LOT OF DREAMS OVER THE YEARS,

BUT HAS ANYBODY STOPPEDTO WONDER

WHAT MY DREAMS ARE?

I OFTEN WONDER IF YOU WERETO SEND A WEREWOLF TO THE MOON,

WOULD HE BE A WEREWOLFPERMANENTLY?

(laughter)

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

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