Nick Kroll, Chris Hardwick, Matt Braunger, Kristen Schaal

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010

Nick Kroll loves LA's Latin radio, Matt Braunger doesn't want a world full of flying babies, and Kristen Schaal likes to demonstrate her roster of funny facial expressions.

I WAS THEREFOR THE G-20 SUMMIT

AND ASSOCIATED RIOTS.

AND I HAVE A SOFT SPOTFOR PROTEST.

I LOVE--PROTESTIS INHERENTLY CHILDISH.

I THINK THAT'S WHYI LIKE IT.

EVERYONE'S FIRST EXPERIENCEOF CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE

COMES AT EXACTLYTHE SAME POINT IN OUR LIVES.

I THINK IT'S WHEN WE ALLLOOK OUR PARENTS

STRAIGHT IN THE EYESFOR THE FIRST TIME AND SAY,

"I'M NOT EATING THAT...

(laughter)

MAKE ME SOMETHING ELSE."

(cheers and applause)

YOU--YOU WILL EACH HAVEYOUR OWN MEAL AND DATE

WHICH LED YOUTO YOUR FIRST PROTEST.

FOR ME IT WAS THE PURPLEDINNER INCIDENT OF 1981.

NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARETHAT BRITAIN

STOPPED EVOLVING GASTRONOMICALLYAROUND THE YEAR 1242.

(laughter)

AND PURPLE DINNERWAS AN INVENTION OF MY MOM'S,

AND IT WAS A RED-CABBAGE-BASEDMEATLOAF.

NOW--EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

IT WAS SERVED TWICE INMY HOUSEHOLD.

THE FIRST TIME,I BURST INTO TEARS.

AND THE SECOND TIME,I DECIDED, NO! NO!

NOT AGAIN! NOT HERE!NOT TODAY!

NO!

AND I SAID--I SAID TO MY MOM,

"NO WAY WAS THAT GOINGINTO MY LITTLE FACE."

AND I WAS SENT TO THE FRONTROOM TO CRY,

SULK AND PLAY CONNECT FOURAGAINST MYSELF.

(laughter)

I'M NOT SURE THE THIRD ONEWAS TECHNICALLY ALLOWED,

BUT I'D BECOME A POLITICALOUTLAW AT THAT STAGE.

AND THE RULE BOOKMEANT NOTHING TO ME ANYMORE.

BUT WHILE I WAS THEREI STARTED FANTASIZING

THAT MAYBE OUTSIDETHE WINDOW

THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD'SCHILDREN WOULD GATHER OUTSIDE

TO HOLD A CANDLELIT VIGILTO FREE THE PURPLE DINNER ONE.

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

WHAT DID HAPPENWAS PURPLE DINNER

WAS NEVER SERVEDIN MY HOUSEHOLD EVER AGAIN.

(cheers and applause)

PROTESTS ARE INSPIRATIONAL.

BUT THE MOST INSPIRATIONALPROTEST I'VE EVER HEARD OF

ACTUALLY HAPPENEDIN BRITAIN AS WELL.

A 13-YEAR-OLD BOYSOMEHOW--NO ONE KNOWS HOW--

MANAGED TO PAINT THE OUTLINEOF A 60-FOOT PENIS

ON THE ROOFOF HIS PARENTS' HOUSE.

(laughter)

IT LAY THERE UNDETECTEDFOR EIGHT YEARS...

(laughter)

UNTIL THE INVENTIONOF GOOGLE MAPS.

(laughter)

MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS STORYOTHER THAN

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHINGABOUT IT--(laughter)

EVERYTHING.EVERYTHING.

IS--I LIKE TO THINK THATHELPED HIM GET THROUGH

HIS AWKWARD TEENAGE YEARS.

HE DIDN'T NEED HIS PARENTSTO KNOW IT WAS THERE.

HE JUST NEEDED TO KNOWIT WAS THERE.

SO IN THE MIDDLEOF A DISTRESSING ARGUMENT

AS HIS DAD SCREAMED AT HIM,"YOU'VE DISAPPOINTED ME!

"YOU'VE DISAPPOINTEDYOUR MOTHER!

"YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNTTO ANYTHING,

AND I WANT YOU INBY 10:00 OR ELSE!"

HE COULD JUST LOOK BACK AT HIMAND GO, "OKAY.

"I UNDERSTAND.

(laughter)

(sighs)ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR EVENING."

(laughter)

YOU CAN STILL WITNESSSOMETHING HAPPENING

WHICH MAKES YOU SO EXCITED

THAT YOU'RE GLAD THATYOU LIVED TO SEE THE DAY

WHEN IT HAPPENED.

AND FOR ME,THIS HAPPENED RECENTLY

WHEN THE POPE'S ASTRONOMER...

(laughter)

YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT WAIT.

THE POPE'S ASTRONOMERRELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING

HE DID NOT WISH TO RULE OUTTHE POSSIBILITY,

AT THIS STAGE,OF LIFE ON MARS.

IT'S SO HARD TO KNOWWHERE TO BEGIN

WITH A SENTENCE LIKE THAT.

FOR ME IT WAS WITH THE PHRASE"POPE'S ASTRONOMER."

(laughter)

I DID NOT THINK THE POPEWOULD HAVE AN ASTRONOMER.

I STILL CAN'T QUITE WORK OUTWHY HE DOES HAVE ONE.

UNLESS IT'S A SENSE IN JUSTA GUY STANDING ON THE ROOF

OF THE VATICAN WITH A TELESCOPEBASICALLY ON GOD WATCH.

JUST, YOU KNOW,TWO TAPS IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,

THREE TAPS IF GOD'S COMING.

(laughter)

TAP, TAP--WAIT FOR IT.

SOMEONE GET RAPHAELA SANDWICH.

(laughter)

OR MAYBE THE POPE JUSTLOVES HOROSCOPES.

THAT WOULD MAKE SOME SENSE.

SO I STARTED LOOKINGINTO THIS.

AND THIS POPE WAS BORNON THE 16th OF APRIL,

MAKING HIM AN ARIES,

COMPATIBLE WITH BOTHSAGITTARIUS AND LEO.

BUT OF COURSE, JESUSWAS FAMOUSLY A CAPRICORN,

MEANING THAT THIS POPE

IS INCOMPATIBLEWITH JESUS.

(applause and laughter)

NOT MY FINDINGS.THE FINDINGS OF SCIENCE.

DON'T GET ANGRY WITH ME,CATHOLICS,

GO GET ANGRY WITH GALILEO.

OH, YOU ALREADY DID.

(applause)

WOW. WOW.

WOW, AN APPLAUSE BREAKFOR A GALILEO JOKE.

WELL PLAYED.

I DOFF MY IMAGINARY CAPTO YOU.

NOW IT'S HARD TO KNOWHOW TO END ANY SET.

JUST AS IT'S HARD TO KNOWHOW TO END A LIFE.

(laughter)

YES, THAT CAME OUT--

THAT CAME OUT A LITTLE BLEAKERTHAN I INTENDED IT TO.

WELL SPOTTED.

TRULY, IT'S--IT'S HARD TO GETYOUR LAST WORDS EXACTLY RIGHT.

NOW KARL MARX'S LAST WORDSWERE TAKEN DOWN

BY HIS HOUSEKEEPER.

SHE REALIZED HE WAS DYING,AND RAN IN TO TAKE DOWN

HIS FINAL STATEMENT,AND HIS FINAL WORDS--

YOU CAN CHECK IT,THIS IS TRUE--WERE THIS.

HE SAID, "NO, NO,GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM...

(laughter)

"LAST WORDS ARE FOR THOSE

WHO HAVE NOT YETSAID ENOUGH IN LIFE."

QUITE A PROFOUND THOUGHT.

BUT HIS HEART MUST HAVE SANKAS HE SAW HER WRITING THAT DOWN

AND REALIZING THATFOR THE REST OF TIME,

HE WAS GONNA SOUNDA BIT TESTY.

(laughter)

MAYBE COMMUNISM WAS DOOMEDTO FAIL WHEN HIS FIGUREHEAD

WENT OUT LIKE A BIT OF A DICK.

(laughter)

THE ONLY TIME YOU CAN BEABSOLUTELY SURE

OF GETTING YOUR LAST WORDSEXACTLY RIGHT,

ARE IF YOU'RE BEING EXECUTED.

IT'S YOUR FINAL RIGHTTO MAKE ONE STATEMENT

WHICH IS TAKEN DOWN VERBATIM.

AND THIS HAS LED TOSOME AMAZING THINGS BEING SAID

THROUGHOUT HUMAN HISTORY.

MY FAVORITE WAS RIGHT HEREIN NEW YORK,

IN 1924,A MAN CALLED GEORGE APPLE

WAS PUT TO DEATHBY ELECTRIC CHAIR,

AND GEORGE APPLE'S FINAL WORDS--I PROMISE YOU THIS IS TRUE--

WERE THIS--HE SAID, "WELL, GENTLEMEN,

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEEA BAKED APPLE."

(laughter)

I DO NOT HAVE THAT COMMITMENTTO COMEDY THAT HE DID,

AND IT'S MY...JOB.

HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHINGAT THAT MOMENT.

HE COULD HAVE RAILED AGAINSTTHE SYSTEM

THAT WAS RIPPING HIS LIFEFROM HIM, BUT, NO,

HE DECIDED TO ENDON A TERRIBLE PUN.

(laughter)

AND I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE BEENLET GO FOR THAT,

AND THAT ALONE.

WE CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSEPEOPLE OF THAT CALIBER.

MAYBE HE JUST NEEDEDA FRIEND IN THERE

WITH A MINIATURE DRUM KITAND A HOOTER.

IT'S A TOUGH GIG,AN EXECUTION CHAMBER.

YOU HAVE TO WARMTHAT CROWD UP.

"WELL, GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE ABOUTTO SEE A BAKED APPLE.

(imitates rimshot)

STICK A FORK IN ME, I'M DONE."HONK-HONK!

"YOU'VE BEEN GREATEXECUTION CHAMBER.

I'M OUT OF HERE."

(cheers and applause)

I ATTENDEDALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

I MEAN FOR HIGH SCHOOL,NOT RECENTLY, THAT'D BE WEIRD.

AND ALL-BOYS CATHOLIC SCHOOLIS A LOT LIKE GOING

TO A REGULAR SCHOOLEXCEPT YOUR TEACHER IS A PRIEST.

WITH BENEFITS!

OHH...WHAT?

OH, DAMN.

(laughter)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT.

NO, I'M KIDDING.

I WAS NEVER TOUCHEDBY ANY PRIEST IN SCHOOL.

WHICH MAKES ME THINK,AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE?

WHAT THE...

USUALLY THEY ARE GIVINGTHAT...AWAY.

UM, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,OR "CRY PODS," AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

I--I FEEL LIKE I REALLYHAVE TO START THINKING SERIOUSLY

ABOUT HAVING KIDSIF I'M GONNA DO IT

'CAUSE I'M 37 YEARS OLD,AND IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

KIDS WHO ARE THE PRODUCTOF OLD SPERM ARE NOT RIGHT.

THEY'RE OFF,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE,THEY'RE A LITTLE OFF.

THE FRESHER THE MAYO,THE BETTER THE SANDWICH.

THAT'S A VERY SIMPLE FORMULATHAT WE SHOULD ADHERE TO.

AND YOU KNOW--YOU KNOWWHO THE OLD-SPERM KIDS ARE

IN GRADE SCHOOL.

LIKE, YOUNG-SPERM KIDS RUNALL STRONG FROM THEIR CORE.

OLD-SPERM KIDS--IT'S ALL LIMBS.

LIKE, THEY CAN'T--JUST CAN'T MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I AM INTO THE NERDLY ARTS,

I LOVE TECHNOLOGY.

I REVIEW GADGETSAND WHATNOT FOR TELEVISION,

MAGAZINES AND STUFF.

AND I RECENTLY REVIEWEDTHE NERDIEST THING

I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFOREIN MY LIFE, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS LIKE A FULL-ON LEATHERFERRARI RACING SEAT

WITH LIKE ARMRESTSAND HEADRESTS AND PEDALS

FOR YOUR XBOX 360!

BEEP-BEEP!OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL CALL THATTHE VIRGINITY HARNESS

BECAUSE...(laughter)

YOU WILL NEVER BE INSIDEA WOMAN

IF SHE SEES THATIN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

YOU COULD TRY TO HAVE SEXWITH HER,

BUT HER BODY WILL LITERALLYREJECT YOU.

IT'LL BE LIKE TRYING TO FEEDA FIDGETY TODDLER, LIKE,

MM-HMM, NOPE,NOT GOING IN THERE.

MNH-MNH...

(grunts, spits)

(laughter)

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEEA VAGINA SWIVEL ON ITS AXIS,

THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.

(laughter)

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE NERDS LIKE THINGSTHAT MAKE VAGINAS GO AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

NOW I'VE INCURREDTHE WRATH OF NERDS,

NERDS ARE GONNA RUN UP TO MEON THE STREET

BECAUSE OF THAT LAST STATEMENT.

"TECHNICALLY,THE PLURAL OF...

(laughter)

VAGINA IS VAGINAE, AHH!"

(laughter)

THEN HE'LL SCAMPER OFFINTO A CREVICE AND SHIVER

BECAUSE NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IT'S JUST PARTOF THE NERD PACKAGE.

NERDS DON'T FIGHT.

IF THERE WEREA NERD FIGHT ANTHEM,

I THINK IT WOULD GOLIKE THIS--

♪ NERD FIGHT,THERE'S NO PHYSICAL CONTACT ♪

♪ NERD FIGHT,INTERNALIZE EMOTIONS ♪

♪ AND GO HOME AND MASTURBATEOUT OF ANGER ♪

(laughter)

ABOUT VAGINAS TO STRANGERS.

37 YEARS OLD.IT'S WEIRD.

I--I FEEL MYSELFGETTING OLDER IN WAYS--

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLETHINK 30 IS GONNA BE A BIG DEAL.

AND IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO TURN 30,I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

30 IS NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL,YOU GUYS, TOTALLY COOL.

35 IS WEIRD BECAUSETHAT'S THE AGE WHERE

YOU START CHECKING A WHOLEDIFFERENT BOX

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING OUTSURVEYS.

LIKE, YOU USED TO GETTHAT SWEET 18-TO-34-YEAR-OLD BOX

AND AFTER THAT,IT'S JUST 35-TO-CORPSE!

NO ONE GIVES A...(laughter)

WHAT YOU LIKE AFTER YOU'RE 35'CAUSE YOUR OLD AND CREEPY,

AND WHY SHOULD THEY?

I CAN'T SHOP AT THE SAME PLACESI USED TO SHOP AT ANYMORE.

LIKE, I USED TO LOVE TO GO TOTHE ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH STORE.

I LOVE IT. LOVE IT.CAN'T GO NEAR THEM ANYMORE.

THEY'VE TURNED THEMINTO THESE CREEPY NIGHTCLUBS

THAT ARE DESIGNED TO SCAREOLD PEOPLE AWAY.

(laughter)

YOU WALK BY THESE PLACESIN MALLS,

AND THEY'RE DARKAND OMINOUS

AND THEY'RE PUMPINGTHIS COLOGNE OUT IN FRONT

THAT SMELLS LIKE DATE RAPEAND IT...(laughter)

AND IT GETS IN YOUR HEADAND CLOUDS YOUR JUDGMENT.

THERE'S ALWAYS TWO RIPPEDSHIRTLESS DUDES

STANDING OUT FRONTGUARDING IT LIKE

IT'S SOME KIND OFGAY SPACE PALACE.

(laughter)

AND YOU GO INSIDE AND THERE'STHIS THUMPING TECHNO MUSIC

THAT'S JUST GAYERTHAN...ON A MOUSTACHE.

JUST LIKE...(laughter)

NOT A JUDGMENT.NOT A JUDGMENT.

BUT YOU REALLY EXPECTTO GO INSIDE

AND SEE PEOPLESIPPING APPLETINIS

WHILE DOING COKEOF MANNEQUINS ASSES,

WHILE VAMPIRES ARE FEEDINGON ASIAN SCHOOLGIRLS

IN THE DRESSING ROOMS.

WHILE THE GHOST OF OSCAR WILDEIS...THE GHOST OF ANDY WARHOL

ON THE BACK OF A UNICORNWITH A...FOR A HORN

SHOOTING RAINBOWS ONTOA "PROJECT RUNWAY" MARATHON.

(laughter)

LET'S GET TO IT, GUYS.

DOGS VERSUS CATS,WHICH IS IT? DOGS OR CATS?

(audience shouting)

ALL RIGHT, WHO SAID CATS?(man) YEAH!

OKAY, YOU'RE WRONG.OKAY.

CATS ARE THE WORST.CATS ARE THE WORST.

THEY ARE THE WORST.GIVE IT UP, YES.(applause)

THANK YOU.I WILL TAKE IT.

(laughs)THEY ARE THE WORST.

THEY'RE SO UNGRATEFUL.THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

THEY'RE COLD AND INDIFFERENT,

WHICH IRONICALLY IS--WHAT I HATE IN CATS

IS WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WOMEN.

I--I DON'T LIKE BEINGAROUND THEM,

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JUSTNOT LIKE--LIKE, A CAT--

LIKE, A DOG WILL BRING YOUA NEWSPAPER, RIGHT?

A CAT WILL BE LIKE,

"OH, I THOUGHT YOUWANTED ME TO BRING YOU

A DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS."

(laughter)

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW

WHICH MEANS I DRIVE AROUNDALL THE TIME,

AND I LOVE DRIVINGBECAUSE IT MEANS

I GET TO LISTEN TO THE RADIO,

AND BY FAR, MY FAVORITE THINGTO LISTEN TO ON THE RADIO

IS LATIN RADIO.

'CAUSE THOSE DUDES ARE HAVINGTHE BEST TIME OF ANYBODY.

IT'S LIKE, BIENVENIDOS DAMAS Y CABALLEROS!

ON NUEVE, UNO, UNO, PUNTO NUEVE!

EL SANGRE DE LOS ANGELES.

YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!

CUCURICU! CUCURICU!

(Latin accent) YOU CAN LISTENTO US ON OUR WEB SITE

AT NUEVE, UNO, UNO, PUNTO NUEVE!

PUNTO COM!

ALL RIGHT.LET'S TAKE A CALLER.

FIRST CALLER,YOU ON THE AIR.

(high-pitched voice) HOLA, YO SOY UN BEBE.

OKAY, WE GOT A BABYON THE PHONE!

QUE PASA, BABY?! QUE PASA, BABY?!

TODO IGUAL. TODO IGUAL.

(laughter)

DONDE ESTA MIS GAFAS DE SOL PARA EL BEBE?

OKAY, HE'S ASKINGWHERE ARE HIS BABY SUNGLASSES?

(laughter)

WHERE ARE HIS BABY SUNGLASSES?

FIRST CALLER TO CORRECTLYIDENTIFY

WHERE THE BABY SUNGLASSES AREWILL GET THE GRAND PRIZE

OF AN OLD PAIROF PIJAMAS!

(laughter)

THE FIRST JOKEOF THE DAY COMES FROM

ALEJANDRO IN ARGENTINA.

HE WRITE, "HOW MANY BOLIVIANSDOES IT TAKE

"TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

ZERO, BECAUSE THEY HAVENO ELECTRICITY."

(laughter)

AND THE SECOND JOKEOF THE DAY!

THE SECOND JOKE OF THE DAY

COMES FROM MICOIN ARGENTINA AS WELL.

HE WRITES,

"WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDINGA WORM IN YOUR APPLE?

AIDS.AIDS IS WORSE."

(laughter)

IT'S A DEBILITATINGVIRU-U-U-U-S!

CUCURICU! CUCURICU!

BARACK OBAMA T-SHIRT

I'VE EVER SEEN.

AND I LIVE IN THE EAST SIDEOF LOS ANGELES.

SO I'VE SEEN A LOT OF THEM.

AND, UH--NOT EAST EAST.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT THAT PERSONTHAT WHITE PERSON

THAT SAYS, LIKE, "I CAN LIVEANYWHERE I WANT."

BULLET-BULLET.RIGHT.

UM, YOU KNOW.

BUT THIS SHIRT,IT HAD BARACK'S SMILING FACE,

THE GREAT LAWN,THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT

AND ALL THE PEOPLE WATCHING,

AND IT JUST SAID,"HISTORICAL SPEECH,"

THAT'S IT.

LIKE,THAT'S ALL IT SAID.

IT WAS LIKE WHAT AN ALIENWOULD SAY IN, YOU KNOW--

AT THE ACTUAL GREAT LAWNDURING THE SPEECH

TO ACT LIKE A HUMAN.

"HISTORICAL SPEECH!"LIKE, TO FIT IN, YOU KNOW?(laughter)

"YELLOW BANANA DELICIOUS."

THIS GUY'S AN ALIEN.

IT'S LIKE--IT'S LIKE HAVINGA SHIRT WITH, LIKE,

THE ASTROS/METS 1986 JUST SAYS,"GOOD GAME," YOU KNOW?

OR LIKE THE HINDENBURG EXPLOSIONTHAT JUST SAYS, "BAD DAY."

(laughter)OH.

DO YOU GUYS LIKE THIS SHIRTI'M WEARING?

(cheers and applause)

I HAD IT DESIGNED AND MADE.

IT'S A HIPPO TRYING TO GETHIS FRIEND RICK'S ATTENTION.

(laughter)

COME ON.COME ON.

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO APPLAUD,BUT, COME ON, IT'S AWESOME.

"RICK!"

(laughter)

IT'S BETTER WITH THE VOCAL,RIGHT?

FEEL I SHOULD HAVEADDED MORE, THOUGH.

"RICK!RICK, I'M OUTSIDE!

(laughter)

"RICK, WE'RE GONNA MISSTHE MOVIE!

"RICK, PEOPLE ARE STARING

'CAUSE I'M A HIPPOTHAT CAN SPEAK ENGLISH"

I LOVE THE NAME RICK.

'CAUSE IT'S SO LIKE UBER-MASCULINE AND '70s, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOWIF I WANT A KID,

BUT I KNOW I WANT A--I KIND OFWANT A BABY NAMED RICK,

YOU KNOW?

HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE IF YOU CAMETO MY HOUSE

AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY,YOU WANT TO MEET MY BABY?"

HIS NAME'S RICK."

(laughter)

LIKE, BEFORE YOU EVEN LOOKED,YOU HAVE THE MENTAL IMAGE

OF, LIKE, A BABY WITH, LIKE,HUGE GREASY MECHANIC HANDS

AND LIKE A MOUSTACHEJUST PACKING A BOX OF CAMELS

AND STARING AT YOU,YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, NICETO MEET YOU, RICK."

"WHAT YOU LOOKING AT...?"

"JESUS. WHOA.

YOUR BABY'SKIND OF HOMOPHOBIC."

"I'M NOBODY'S BABY...!"

YOU KNOW, AND HE'D TRYTO COME AFTER YOU

HE'D BE LIKE, "COME ON!"LIKE HE'S GONNA FIGHT YOU

BUT HE STILL HAS, LIKE,LITTLE CHUBBY BABY LEGS

SO HE'D FALL.

AND HE'D SLAM HIS HEADON THE GROUND,

AND HE WOULDN'T CRY,HE'D JUST GO...

"..."

(laughter)

"MY HEAD!CHRIST!"

DON'T EXIST TO MAKE YOUR OWNLIFE FEEL BETTER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NOT A LOT OF MONEYIN MY BANK ACCOUNT,

BUT AT LEAST THERE'SNO GODZILLA, RIGHT?

AT LEAST THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.THAT WOULD SUCK.

I'M LIKE THAT WITH CHERUBS.YOU KNOW, FLYING BABIES?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?CHERUBIM.

THAT'D BE HORRIBLE.(laughter)

THAT'D BE HOR--LIKE, I WAS A--I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE.

BELIEVE IT.(laughter)

AND, UM, I WAS, UH--(chuckles)

I WAS IN ITALY.BELIEVE THAT, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AND WE'RE WALKING AROUNDTHIS CHURCH, RIGHT,

AND THERE'S ALL THESE PAINTINGSOF CHERUBS, YOU KNOW,

AND THEY'RE DOING NICE THINGSLIKE CARRYING GRAPES.

THERE'S TWO OF THEM.THEY HAVE A BLANKET, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S KIND OF CHUBBY NAKEDWOMAN JUST LAYING SIDEWAYS

LOOKING AT YOU, ALWAYS,WITH THE CHERUBS.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IFCHERUBS WERE REAL?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I CANNOT IMAGINEA WORSE WORLD...(laughter)

THAN FLYING--IF BABIES COULD FLY.

BABIES ARE SOCIOPATHS,OKAY?

BABIES DON'T CARE.

YOU EVER CHANGEA BABY'S DIAPER?

IT WAITS FOR YOU TO OPEN ITTO PISS IN YOUR MOUTH AND FACE.

"HA, HA, HA, HA!"

BABY WOULD TAKE YOUR SANDWICHAND POOP ON YOUR HEAD,

FLYING AROUND.

LIKE, THEY WOULD FOLLOW YOUTO PEE ON YOU.

LIKE, "HEY-HEY!(laughs) HEY."

WHO'S KID IS THIS?!

(laughter)

DAMN IT!

I WAS ACTUALLY JUST IN--JUST IN ARKANSAS, WHICH--

FOR A FAMILY REUNION.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,BEAUTIFUL STATE,

BUT THE LEVEL OF"I DON'T GIVE A...HOW I LOOK

WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE"THERE IS JUST--(smacks lips)

LIKE, IT'S JUST--LIKE,"I'M PROUD OF IT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTAN ULTRA-CAUTIOUS GUY.

"OH, I SHOULD SHAVE.I'M GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET"

OR WHATEVER.

WE WERE DRIVING ALONGTHIS HIGHWAY, RIGHT?

AND WE JUST SLOWED TO A CRAWLBECAUSE SOMEONE--

WELL, NOT SOMEONE--

A FARMER HAD PULLED HIS TRACTORINTO THE REGULAR CAR LANE.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

AND HE'S DRIVING LIKE FIVE MILESAN HOUR JUST GOING,

"I LOVE DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY."(imitates tractor engine)

AND EVERYONE IN LINE IS TEARINGTHE SKIN OFF THEIR SKULLS

IN FRUSTRATION, LIKE, "GET OUTOF THE ROAD, FARMER! DAMN IT!"

YOU KNOW,AND THEY'RE GOING CRAZY,

AND THIS GUY COMES OUTOF HIS HOUSE

AND DECIDES TO MOW HIS LAWNIN NOTHING--NOTHING

BUT A HAT AND HIS UNDERWEAR,RIGHT?

AND I HAD, LIKE, THREE FEMALECOUSINS IN THE CAR.

NOT A HANDSOME MAN,BELLY, FLAPJACK ASS CHEEKS

JUST HANGING OUT,AND HIS UNDERWEAR--

I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING, LIKE,OH, LIKE, BOXERS,

LIKE--LIKE, THEY LOOKLIKE SHORTS.

LIKE, NO, BRIEFS, OKAY?SHREDDED AND FLYING IN THE WIND.

LIKE, YOU COULD SEE HIS BALLSAND JUST A HINT OF...

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PENIS.

AND I WAS, LIKE, "DISGUSTING,"BUT THEN HE MOWED

AND WENT RIGHT IN FRONT OFTHE SUNSET

AND IT CAUGHTALL THE GOLDEN HAIRS

AND THE SHINEOF THE TOBACCO JUICE

ON HIS MUSTACHE, AND IT WASBREATHTAKING, YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AMAZING.

AND I LOOKED AT IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

IF ANYTHING SHOULD BE ONTHE STATE LICENSE PLATE

FOR ARKANSAS,IT'S THAT.

JUST, "ARKANSAS...(imitates engine)

WE DON'T GIVEA CRAP ABOUT NOTHING."

(imitates engine)

I HAVE BEEN ON EDGE ALL DAY,EVER SINCE I SAW

THIS ABANDONED BACKPACKON THE CORNER

OF MERCER AND HOUSTON,

AND I JUST KEPT IT TO MYSELF.

(laughter)

AND THE WHOLE DAY I WAS, LIKE,"ARE YOU GONNA SAY SOMETHING?"

RIGHT THERE.IT HAPPENED RIGHT THERE.

NEW YORK CITY, HUH, GUYS?I LOVE IT.

(cheers and applause)

I LOVE THIS CITY.

I THINK IF YOU LIVEIN THIS CITY OF DREAMS,

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVEA BAD DAY HERE.

(laughter)

I REALLY THINK THAT,I DO, EVEN IF--

LET'S JUST SAY THAT SOMETHINGGOES AWRY IN YOUR DAY,

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,RIDING YOUR BIKE OR SOMETHING,

AND THEN SOMEONE HITS YOUWITH THEIR CAR...(laughter)

OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?

AT LEAST YOU CAN LAY OUTAND ENJOY THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS

WHILE YOU WAITFOR THE AMBULANCE.

AM I RIGHT?!AM I RIGHT?!

AM I RIGHT, NEW YORK CITY?AM I?

AM I?(laughter)

AM I RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT, SIR?

'CAUSE I HIT A GUYON HIS BIKE TODAY.

(laughter)

AND I JUST KEPT DRIVING.

(laughter)

(sighs)

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARDTO IT.

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGHMY ROSTER

OF FUNNY FACIALEXPRESSIONS, LIKE,

(gasps)

I HAVE FOUR.

(laughter)

BUT I'VE BEEN DRILLING THEM,AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT MY ACT WAS FAMILY-FRIENDLYFOR TONIGHT

BUT I DON'T HAVE BABIES,SO I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE

I COULD PRETENDTHAT I HAD BABIES,

AND THAT WAY I COULD APPEALTO THE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WHO HAVE BABIESAND TO THE PEOPLE

WHO LIKE TO PRETENDTHEY HAVE BABIES.

(laughter)HUH?

LET'S GIVE IT A GO.

SO I'VE GOT THIS BABY...(groans)

(laughter)

AND IT'S JUST BEGGING MEFOR ATTENTION ALL THE TIME.

CAN I GET A WITNESS?

(laughter)

SO LAZY,IT CAN'T EVEN WALK.

GOTTA GET STUFF FOR IT,

AND, UGH,IT IS JUST SO DIFFICULT.

AND I'M TRYING TO DATE,

AND YOU THINK IT WOULD BE EASYFOR A MILF...

(laughter)

BUT IT ISN'T.

AND FINALLY, I DO GET A GUYTO COME HOME WITH ME,

AND I DON'T WANTTO GO BLUE, OKAY,

BUT I WILL SAY THAT WE WEREGOING AROUND SEVERAL BASES.

OKAY, WE WOULD START AT FIRST,AND THEN HE WAS LIKE,

"I WANT TO SKIP OVER TO THIRD."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, BUT WHATHAPPENS ON SECOND?"

I STILL DON'T KNOW.

(laughter)I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WE WERE GOINGFIRST, SECOND,

AND THEN WE WENT RIGHT BACKTO FIRST,

AND THEN WE HUNG OUTIN THE DUGOUT,

AND THEN I LOOK UP,AND THEN THE WHOLE TIME

THIS BABY IS STARING AT US.

IT'S, LIKE,"TAKE A PICTURE, BABY.

IT'LL LAST LONGER."

(laughter)

AND HOW DID YOU GET OUTOF YOUR BABY CAGE...

(laughter)

OR WHATEVERYOU KEEP 'EM IN? UGH!

NOW MY BABY WAS BORNA TWIN SET,

SO I HAD TO EAT THE OTHER ONE.

(laughter)

NATURALLY.

NOW THAT JOKE IS SPECIALBECAUSE THAT IS SPECIFICALLY

FOR ANY PANDA BEARS THAT AREIN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

(laughter)

YEAH.

YOU'RE CUTE,BUT YOU'RE AN ANIMAL.

(laughter)

SO I ALSO PREPARED

SOME CHARACTER WORKFOR TONIGHT,

'CAUSE I JUST WANNA SHOWEVERYONE HOW VERSATILE

I CAN BE AS AN ACTRESS,

SO I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYTHIS CHARACTER.

(clears throat)

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.DON'T WALK AWAY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING,"WHOO, WHAT IS THAT?

"IS THAT A GHOST OR A DONKEYOR A SANDWICH OR WHAT?

(laughter)

"'CAUSE IT CERTAINLYCOULDN'T BE

"A SEXY LIBRARIAN...

(laughter)

COULD IT?"

WELL, THEY DON'T EXIST.

DO THEY?

(laughter)

WELL, GUESS WHAT?THEY DO.

AND I'M RIGHT HERE.

AND I WANNA HELP YOUFIND YOUR BOOK.

(laughter)

OOH,WHERE'S YOUR BOOK?

OH, I JUST--I WANNA FIND IT!

I'M GONNA FIND THAT BOOK!I'M GONNA FIND THE BOOK.

MY MOM AND MY DAD MET WHENMY DAD WAS FIGHTING

IN THE PERSIAN GULF WAR,THE GREAT ONE,

AND HE WAS FIGHTING HARDERTHAN HE'S EVER FOUGHT

IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT HE STILL GOT CAPTUREDBY THE PERSIANS, SO--

(laughter)

YEAH, HARROWING.

SO WHAT THEY DID TO MY DADIS THEY DRUG HIM

TO THIS ABANDONED WAREHOUSEWHERE THEY DEMANDED

THAT HE REVEAL ALL OFTHE AMERICAN SECRETS.

UM, THERE'S ONLY ONE,BUT IT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND I'M NOT GONNA SAY ITOUT LOUD

'CAUSE THIS SHOW'S BEINGHOSTED BY A FOREIGNER.

(laughter)

BUT WE KNOW--WE KNOWWHAT IT IS,

SO, UM, HE REFUSEDTO REVEAL THE SECRET,

AND THEY ORDERED HIM TO STRIPDOWN TO HIS UNDERWEAR,

AND MY DAD WORE THESETIGHTY-WHITEY BOXER BRIEFS,

UH, WITH THESE FRENCH CUTSUP THE SIDE HERE.

DO THEY STILL MAKE THOSE?

AND HE HAS THIS INCREDIBLETATTOO OF A BALD EAGLE

JUST SPREAD ACROSS HIS CHEST,

AND IT'S GIVING BIRTHTO A COYOTE.

(laughter)

RIGHT HERE.

AND THE COYOTE IS JUSTFRESH TO THE WORLD

AND DRIPPING WITH PLACENTA,AND--AND IT'S STARVING,

SO IT IS GOING TO TOWNON THE STOMACH OF A DEER,

JUST EATING IT,AND THE ENTRAILS OF THE DEER

JUST PEEKING OUTEVER SO SUBTLY

FROM THE FRENCH CUTSUP THE SIDE.

SO THAT'S MY DAD.

(laughter)

AND EVEN IN HIS STATUESQUEYET VULNERABLE STATE,

HE STILL REFUSED TO REVEALTHE SECRET, THANK GOD.

SO WHAT THEY DID WAS THEYSTRAPPED HIM INTO A CHAIR

SO THAT HE COULDN'T MOVEA MUSCLE,

AND THEY INSTALLED A FAUCETOVER HIS HEAD

THAT WOULD DRIP JUST ONE DROPOF WATER METHODICALLY

ON HIS FOREHEAD,SO THAT HE WOULD LOSE HIS MIND.

IT'S CALLEDCHINESE WATER TORTURE

FOR ALL OF YOUTHAT ARE NOT CHINESE.

THE TORTURE THAT THEY ARECOMING UP WITH IN CHINA

IS SO CREATIVE.

THEY HAVE THIS OTHER METHODWHERE THEY'LL TAKE A BAMBOO

AND THEY'LL PLANT ITIN YOUR ANUS

AND JUST LET IT GROW.

(laughter)

SO PATIENT!

MAN, WATCH OUT FOR CHINA,I SAY.

THEY HAVE ALL THE AMBITIONAS WE DO

BUT NONE OF THE HEART.

(laughter)

SO THERE WAS MY DAD.

NOW JUST IN CASE YOU'REOUT THERE SITTING THERE

THINKING, "I DON'T THINKTHIS STORY IS TRUE.

I THINK SHE'S MAKING THIS UP,"

WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT,I BROUGHT MY DAD HERE TONIGHT

TO DO A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT

TO PROVE TO YOU THATIT HAPPENED.

SO THIS IS MY DAD,KARL SCHAAL.

IF YOU COULD COME OUT?MY DAD.

(cheers and applause)

SLOW DOWN, DAD.SLOW DOWN.

OKAY, SO, DAD,

SO, OKAY, SO YOU WERESITTING LIKE YOU WERE.

REMEMBER HOW YOU WERETIED UP NOW.

NOW, DAD, I THOUGHT THAT WEAGREED THAT YOU'D COME OUT

WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT SO THATTHEY COULD SEE THE TATTOO.

OKAY, I GUESS THE WORLD'SNOT READY. OKAY.

SO THERE YOU ARE.YOU ARE TIED DOWN, RIGHT?

AND THERE IS A DRIPJUST COMING DOWN,

DRIVING YOU NUTS,RIGHT, DAD?

AND YOU WOULDN'T REVEALTHE SECRET,

AND WHAT WASTHE SECRET, DAD?

HE'S GOOD.HE'S GOOD.

SO PATRIOTIC.OKAY.

SO THERE'S MY DAD,AND HE'S JUST LOSING HIS--

MY GOD, THAT MUST HAVE BEENAWFUL FOR YOU.

OKAY,AND THEN, UM.

ON THE FOURTH NIGHT,MY MOM, WHO WAS THE ENEMY,

SNUCK INTO THE WAREHOUSE,AND YES, I DID BRING MY MOM.

PAM SCHAAL,IF SHE COULD COME OUT.

SHE IS.OKAY.

(cheers and applause)

MY MOM.ALL RIGHT.

SO NOW, MOM,

SO YOU WERE THE ENEMY, RIGHT?AND YOU SNUCK IN.

AND YOU ARE JUST OVERCOME

BY DAD'S COURAGEAND HIS INK, RIGHT?

OKAY, SO, UM--(laughter)

SO NOW WHAT YOU DID NEXT WAS--DIDN'T YOU--

YOU SAT ON DAD'S LAP,RIGHT?

DO YOU WANT TO REENACT THATFOR EVERYBODY?

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY. WELL, I THOUGHT YOUSTRADDLED HIM,

BUT I WASN'T THERE.

SO IT'S FINE. OKAY.SO THIS IS THE BEST PART.

SO, MOM,OKAY, YOU THIS IS--

SO YOUR LONGBLONDE HAIR BACK THEN

WAS JUST WHIPPINGIN DAD'S FACE, RIGHT?

SO YOUNG--AND, UM--

AND THIS IS TOUGH 'CAUSE,YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE PRISONER,

BUT ALSO POSSIBLYTHE FUTURE FATHER

OF AN AMAZING CHILD,RIGHT?

SO WHAT DID YOU DO NEXT,MOM?

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU DID HIM,DIDN'T YOU, MOM?

DID HIM, AND THAT'S HOWI WAS BORN.(applause)

HOW I WAS BORN.BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS MY MOM AND DAD,AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

(cheers and applause)

I JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW

THAT I AM A VERY PROLIFICPLAYWRIGHT,

AND IN NEW YORK CITY,WE LIKE TO--WHEN WE'RE DONE

WITH OUR...WE'LL JUST THROW ITON THE GROUND, AND--

'CAUSE WE'RE ARTISTS.

SO THE OTHER DAY,I TRIPPED OVER A MATTRESS

ON THE STREET AND I THOUGHT,

"WOW, WHAT IS THIS STORYOF THIS MATTRESS?"

AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UPWITH MY ONE-WOMAN SHOW

"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

SO I WANT TO DO THE FIRST ACTFOR YOU TONIGHT

JUST TO GET A BUZZ OUT THERE,AND WHO KNOWS,

YOU KNOW, BROADWAY.(laughs)

FOR THE--FOR ALL THREE.OKAY.

SO THIS IS CALLED"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

OKAY.

(laughter)

I KNOW YOU SEE ME,

THROWN OUT ON THE STREETLIKE A USED CONDOM

ON THE SCRAP HEAP OF LIFE.

I SEE YOU WALKING BY,SELF-ABSORBED WITH YOUR LIVES

AND YOUR iPhones.

WOW, HOW DO THOSE iPhonesEVEN WORK WITHOUT THE BUTTONS

AND THE MAPS COMING UP?

IT'S SO MAGICAL.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE TO MAKE THEM,TO HAVE TO GIVE A DRAGON A...

AND HE'D...AN iPhone.

(laughter)

GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW.YEAH, KEEP WALKING.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO TALKTO A DIRTY OLD MATTRESS EITHER.

WELL, THERE IS ONE MATTRESSI'D LIKE TO TALK TO,

MY TWIN BROTHER.

I NEVER GOT TO MEET MY TWIN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.I WAS RARELY ALONE.

THE FIRST PERSON TO SLEEP ON MEWAS A COLLEGE KID NAMED CLAY.

CLAY WAS AFRAID OF COLLEGE,AFRAID OF BEING AWAY FROM HOME,

AFRAID OF LIFE, REALLY.

EVERY NIGHT HE'D CRY HIMSELFTO SLEEP,

AND I'D SOAK UP HIS TEARS.

(laughter)

IN THE MORNING,I'D SOAK UP HIS PENIS TEARS.

(laughter)

WE HAD A DEAL.

WELL, AFTER THAT,

CLAY PASSED ME ON TO A BAD MANNAMED JOHN.

JOHN USED MEAND MY PILLOW FRIEND SAL

TO KILL SOMEBODY!

I'M JUST GLAD THAT

I'M NOT MADEOUT OF MEMORY FOAM.

(laughter)

WHOO!IT SURE IS COLD OUT HERE.

COLDER THAN A WITCH'S TIT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY WITCHES' TITSARE SO COLD.

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE WITCHES,AND THEY'RE HATEFUL.

AND THEIR NIPPLES ARE MADEOUT OF ICE, DRY ICE,

WHICH YOU SHOULDNEVER, EVER TOUCH.

(laughter)

I KNOW 'CAUSE A WITCH SLEPTBELOW ME

AND HAUNTED A CHILD.

(laughter)

YOU KNOW, I'VE SUPPORTEDA LOT OF DREAMS OVER THE YEARS,

BUT HAS ANYBODY STOPPEDTO WONDER

WHAT MY DREAMS ARE?

I OFTEN WONDER IF YOU WERETO SEND A WEREWOLF TO THE MOON,

WOULD HE BE A WEREWOLFPERMANENTLY?

(laughter)

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

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