Wednesday, November 11, 2015

  • 11/11/2015

Jena Friedman, Open Mike Eagle and Hari Kondabolu introduce porn-themed rules into professional soccer, check out #NerdBroadway shows and write post-apocalyptic clickbait.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

YOU PROBABLY DON'T FOLLOW SOCCERUNLESS YOU'RE A FOREIGNER OR A

HIPSTER LACKING SOCIAL IDENTITY,BUT THE SPORT HAS BILLIONS OF

FANS WORLDWIDE.

THAT'S WHY ADULT-ENTERTAINMENTBEHEMOTH PORNHUB IS LOOKING TO

CAPITALIZE ON THOSE POTENTIALBONERS BY SPONSORING AN ITALIAN

SOCCER TEAM.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: YEAH THE [BLEEP]IEST

OF ALL SOCCER TEAMS.

THE OLE' HQ FOR HJs WANTSTO BLAST THEIR LOGO RIGHT ONTO

SOMEONE'S CHEST.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: THANK YOU.

JUST WHAT PORNHUB NEEDS: MOREITALIAN GUYS WHO LOVE FEET.

NOW, THE DEAL MIGHT NOT GOTHROUGH, SINCE SOCCER GAMES LAST

90 MINUTES AND PORNHUB FANSAREN'T USED TO WATCHING ANYTHING

LONGER THAN 90 SECONDS.

BUT I HAVE FAITH.

OR THEY WILL JUMP FORWARD TO THEMONEY SHOTS IN THE SOCCER MATCH.

"YEAH, THE BALLS WENT IN."

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT SHOULD BE ANEW RULE IN PORNHUB-SPONSORED

SOCCER?

JENA.

>> YOU MUST BE 18 TO SCORE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, GOOD RULE.

THAT'S JUST A GENERAL GOOD RULE.

MIKE.

>> ALL THE PLAYERS HAVE TOPRETEND TO BE A LITTLE NERVOUS

BECAUSE IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: DEFINITELY POINTS.

HARI.

>> THE VISITING TEAM HAS TO PLAYMY WIFE FIRST, WHILE I WATCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO

SEE THE AWAY TEAM COME INTOTHE CASTING ROOM.

[LAUGHING]>> YOUR GUYS' JOKES ARE REALLY

FUNNY.

YOU MUST WATCH A LOT OF PORN.

>> CHRIS: WAIT, WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

I WAS BUILDING OFF WHAT HARISAID, WHO CLEARLY WATCHES

MORE THAN I DO.

>> AND I HAVE AN ACTIVEIMAGINATION.

>> I WATCH A LOT OF PORN.

>> CHRIS: ABOMINABLE SNOWMANFROM THE STOP MOTION "RUDOLPH"

SPECIAL BERNIE SANDERS JUST--[LAUGHING]

HE JUST GOT A KNOCK-OUTENDORSEMENT FROM EVERYONE'S

FAVORITE PUNCHY FEMALE, RONDAROUSEY, WHO'S AWESOME.

I LOVE RHONDA ROUSEY.

COME ON THE SHOW, RHONDA ROUSEY.

I INVITE YOU TO COME ON THESHOW.

YOU'RE FUNNY AND COOL.

RHONDA IS FEELING THE BURNPRAISING SANDERS FOR RESISTING

THE INFLUENCE OF BIGCORPORATIONS AND BIG COMB.

ROUSEY SAID SHE DOESN'T THINKPOLITICIANS "SHOULD BE ALLOWED

TO TAKE MONEY FOR THEIRCAMPAIGNS FROM OUTSIDE

INTERESTS."

I WONDER HOW LONG SHE GRAPPLEDWITH THAT DECISION.

YOU CAN THANK HEAD WRITER JOERANDAZZO FOR THAT ONE.

SO COMEDIANS, IF LOVELY WHITEDANDELION BERNIE SANDERS DOES

BECOME THE NEXT PRESIDENT, WHATPOSITION MIGHT HE GIVE ROUSEY IN

HIS CABINET?

JENA.

>> I DON'T SEE HER IN THECABINET.

I SEE HER AS SPEAKER OF THEROUSE.

>> CHRIS: YES, YES.

I KNOW THAT WAS HARD TO GET OUTAT THE END, BUT I WANT YOU TO

KNOW YOU MADE THE RIGHTDECISION, A HUNDRED PERCENT.

POINTS TO YOU.

MOVING ON.AS ANY HORNY SINGLE

PERSON KNOWS, ONLINE DATING ISHARD.

YOU HAVE TO WADE THROUGHMILLIONS OF PROFILE PICTURES OF

WOMEN ON SPIRITUALLY AWAKENINGTRIPS TO INDIA AND MEN HOLDING

UP WADS OF CASH TO FIND THAT ONESPECIAL PERSON IN THE ENTIRE

WORLD WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOUAS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

THAT'S WHY TINDER, EVERYONE'SFAVORITE SWIPE-AND-DISCARD

DATING APP, IS MAKING IT EASIERFOR USERS TO FIND EACH OTHER BY

ADDING NEW INFORMATION, LIKEWHERE THEY WENT TO COLLEGE AND

WHERE THEY WORK. THIS IS INADDITION TO TINDER'S

"SUPER-LIKE" BUTTON, OTHERWISEKNOWN AS "I WANT TO STICK IT

IN YOU NOW."

"GREAT, YOU WENT TO BROWN.THAT'S WHERE I'M ABOUT TO GO."

OH COME ON, GUYS, IT WAS RIGHTTHERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]COMEDIANS, SINCE TINDER IS

TRYING TO IMPROVE ITS ALGORITHM,WHAT'S A CATEGORY THEY SHOULD

ABSOLUTELY NOT USE TO MATCHUSERS?

JENA.

>> SAME DNA.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> RACE.

CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

SOMETIMES THERE'S A STORY SOPERFECTLY TAILORED TO THE

INTERNET'S TASTES, IT'S LIKE ALLOF NERD-DOM WILLED IT TO

MANIFEST.

TODAY, SUCH A CONFLUENCEOCCURRED, CAUSING A COLLECTIVE

SQUEE SO LOUD YOU'D THINK ALEAKED SCENE FROM THE NEXT

"AVENGERS" FEATURING PIKACHU WASSMOKING WEED WITH CAPTAIN

AMERICA.

UMMM ...

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: PIKA--CHU

BUT, IN FACT, WILLIAM SHATNERJUST ANNOUNCED THAT HE WANTS TO

MAKE A "STAR TREK" MUSICAL!

AS SOMEONE WHO GREATLY ENJOYSSCI-FI,

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY,"MR. SHATNER, YOU HAVE MY FULL

SUPPORT," AND IN HONOR OF THISMOST AWESOME OF PROPOSALS,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#NERDBROADWAY.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "JABBA MIA,""HELLO DOLLY IN ITS ORIGINAL

PACKAGING" AND "THE BEST LITTLEWORF HOUSE IN TEXAS."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. HARI.

>> MARY POPPIN' ZITS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MIKE.

>> CATS AND OTHER ALLERGENS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> STEPHEN KING & I.

>> MACBOOK OF MORMON.

CHRIS: POINTS. HARI.

>> LES MISERABLES CHILDHOOD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JENA.

>> HAMILTON.

CHRIS: MIKE.

>> BEAUTY AND THE BEAST FROMX-MEN.

>> CHRIS: HARI.

>> GUYS AND SEX DOLLS.

>> CHRIS: JENA.

>> THE WEB PRODUCERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> DIDDLER IN THE BASEMENT.

>> CHRIS: JENA.

>> MY FAIR SKIN.

>> CHRIS: JENA.

>> HOW TO SUCCEED IN CODINGWITHOUT REALLY TRYING.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "HARD IN THEMS PAINT."

ONE OF THE FEW LEGITIMATEPLEASURES BEFORE PANDORA AND

SPOTIFY CAME ALONG WAS ENJOYINGMUSICIANS' ALBUM ART.

AND LOOKING BACK, A LOT OF RAPALBUM COVERS SEEM LIKE THEY WERE

DESIGNED BY AN INTERN WHOSOMEONE ASKED, "DO YOU KNOW

PHOTOSHOP?" AND THEY REPLIED,"NOT REALLY."

THE OTHER PERSON WAS LIKE,"LET'S DO IT."

COMEDIANS, I'LL SHOW YOU ATERRIBLE RAP ALBUM COVER.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GIVE ME THENAME OF ONE OF ITS SINGLES.

FIRST UP, HE'S BIG BEAR,

AND HE'S "DOIN' THANGS"!

>> CHRIS: MIKE.

>> WE OVER HERE GETTINGHIGH-BERNATION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JENA.

>> MAUL THE POLICE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: THAT'S GOD DAMN

DELIGHTFUL.

POINTS TO YOU, JENA.

NEXT UP, HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY,BECAUSE DR. DOOM HAS "FIRST

COME, FIRST SERVED." JENA.

>> MO MONEY, MO TOPPINGS.

CHRIS: POINTS.

A SIMPLE MATH FORMULA.

MIKE.

>> THIS IS ACTUALLY A CLASSICALBUM. I HAVE IT IN

MY COLLECTION, SO I'M GONNA GIVEYOU THE REAL ANSWER.

IT'S CALLED "YOU LIVE AT HOMEWITH YOUR MOMS."

>> CHRIS: WHAT'S A SINGLE FROMSILKK THE SHOCKER'S

"CHARGE IT 2 DA GAME"? JENA.

>> 99 PROBLEMS BUT MY CUTICLESAIN'T ONE.

>> CHRIS: HARI.

>> YES MY MIDDLE NAME IS "THE."

>> CHRIS: STOP ASKING.

THERE ARE SOME REAL POSERS INHIP HOP,

BUT THIS NEXT GUY IS THE REALDEAL. WHAT'S A SINGLE OFF

SOOPI G'S "DISINTEGRATIONII," MIKE?

>> ONLY MOM CAN JUDGE ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> STRAIGHT OUT OF MIDDLESCHOOL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

HARI.

>> WASTE OF WHITE PRIVILEGE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. OUT OF ALL OFTHE PICTURES THAT WAS THE BEST

ONE.

NEXT UP, YOU'LL NEVER GETHIS LUCKY RHYMES.

HERE'S LIL' FLIP'S "THELEPRECHAUN."

HARI.

>> PINK HEARTS, YELLOW MOONS ANDMY DICK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S PART OF A BALANCEDBREAKFAST, BITCH.

>> IT'S BEST TO SAVE THE DICKSFOR THE END.

>> CHRIS: MIKE.

>> HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SIZZURP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. OH YEAH, OFCOURSE THAT'S IN THERE. JENA.

>> IRISH I WAS A LITTLE BITTALLER.

>> CHRIS: VERY LAYERED. VERYNICE, POINTS.

WELL DONE.

NEXT ONE, TRICK DADDY WAS

TECHNOLOGICALLY AHEAD OF THECURVE.

WHAT'S A SONG FROM HIS NETSCAPENAVIGATOR STYLED ALBUM,

"WWW.THUG.COM"?

HARI?

>> [BEEP] WWW.THUG.NET.

CHRIS: POINTS.

WE HAVE A VIDEO FOR TRICKDADDY'S SONG "CHANGE MY LIFE."

LET'S SEE IF IT CHANGES OURLIVES.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I LIKE HIS PILLOW OF $12.

CHRIS: YES.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: FINALLY, YOU MIGHT

HAVE HEARD THAT BEN CARSONWAS DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM

THIS RAPPY SOUNDCLOUD AD.

♪ BEN CARSON 2016. VOTE ANDSUPPORT BEN CARSON ♪

♪ FOR OUR NEXT PRESIDENT AND BEAWESOME. ♪

>> CHRIS: WELL WE'RE NOTDISTANCING OURSELF FROM IT. WE

LOVED IT SO MUCH WE MADE THISALBUM COVER.

THERE IT IS.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DOTHERE IS GO IN AND DO THIS.

[LAUGHING]>> THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS ONE OF BENCARSON'S SINGLES?

MIKE.

>> Y'ALL GOING TO MAKE ME LIEABOUT STABBING SOMEBODY UP IN

HERE, UP IN HERE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A BUNCH OF RESEARCHERS WHO

WANT TO TEACH DOGS HOW TO FLY SOTHEY CAN UNLOCK THE FINAL SEAL

OF HELL, AND I ASKED YOU TO GIVEME AN IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM A DOG PILOT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

HARI, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> DON'T WORRY I'M A BETTER DOGPILOT THAN SNOOP IN "SOUL

PLANE."

>> CHRIS: FANTASTIC REFERENCE.

JENA.

>> THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKINGWE WILL TAKE OFF AS SOON AS

SOMEONE TELLS ME TO SIT.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT, WELL DONE.

>> GREAT FLIGHT ATTENDANT VOICETOO.

>> CHRIS: MIKE.

>> I'VE JUST TURNED OFF THELEASH LIGHT.

YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE YOUR COUCHAND PEE ABOUT THE COMPARTMENT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,"BUZZFALLOUT."

YESTERDAY, "FALLOUT 4" CAME OUT.I ALREADY ORDERED MY COPY ON

AMAZON PRIME! IT'S GOING TO GETHERE FRIDAY FOR FREE.

IT'S A POST-APOCALYPTIC GAME

THAT'S SET EXACTLY ONE YEARAFTER DONALD TRUMP GETS ELECTED,

PROBABLY.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE WHATTHE HILLARY ONE LOOKS LIKE!

OK, MAYBE YOU DO.

IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.

>> GREAT CALVES.

>> CHRIS: IF THERE IS ONE THINGBESIDES COCKROACHES AND GARY

BUSEY THAT'LL SURVIVE NUCLEARHOLOCAUST, IT'LL BE CLICKBAIT

ARTICLES.

WE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM!

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ASMANY BUZZFEED "LISTS FOR THE

APOCALYPSE" AS YOU CAN.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JENA.

>> TEN PICTURES OF SIDE BOOB TOMAKE YOU FORGET YOU LIVE IN A

WASTELAND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> 1052 WAYS "BACK TO THEFUTURE 2" WAS WRONG ABOUT THE

FUTURE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JENA.

>> 27 UNDERRATED ALTERNATIVES TOEATING EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JENA AGAIN.

>> FOUR KIDS WHO DON'T REMEMBERWATER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MIKE.

>> 13 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VELEARNED TO DO BEFORE THIS

HAPPENED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> FIVE ACTORS YOU CAN EAT.

CHRIS: POINTS.

MIKE.

>> EIGHT FETISHES NO ONE WILLJUDGE YOU FOR ANYMORE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> THIS GUY USED TO BE TOMPETTY.

CHRIS: POINTS.

JENA.

>> YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW FARTHIS MAN GOT WITHOUT

ANTIBIOTICS.