CC Presents: Richard Jeni

  • 05/05/2002

ANYTHING, ANYBODY WATCHING HERE

AT HOME IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT

DOING COMEDY, YOU JUST SAW THE

BEST REASON TO DO IT RIGHT NOW,

MUSIC PLAYING FOR NOW REASON

EXCEPT, YOUR WALKING IN.

WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOUR JOB MORE

FUN?

EVERY TIME YOU DO SOME

STUPID, LITTLE THING IN THE

OFFICE?

BANG!

THE BAND KICKS IN BEHIND YA.

YOU'RE IN THE OFFICE GOING,

"WELL, I GUESS I'LL TAKE THESE

PAPERS OVER TO THE COPYING

MACHINE."

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH!

HEY, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT OFFICE.

I'M THE RECEPTIONIST.

I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK."

(LAUGHTER)

MAKES YOUR JOB MORE FUN.

THIS MAKES MY JOB MORE FUN.

BEING HERE IN NEW YORK.

MY HOMETOWN.

GOD, HELP ME I LOVE IT SO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

BECAUSE THIS CITY, THIS CITY IS

ALWAYS SURPRISING.

TODAY I WENT OUT TO A DELI,

PASTRAMI SANDWICH, $13.75.

(LAUGHTER)

WALKED BACK OUT IN THE STREET,

GENUINE ROLEX WATCH SIX BUCKS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE,

APPLAUD IF YOU THINK IT'S BETTER

TO BE SINGLE THAN TO BE MARRIED.

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

WE KNOW WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

THOSE ARE THE SINGLE PEOPLE.

SINGLE OR MARRIED MAN.

MAN, IT'S A TOUGH CHOICE.

I THINK IT'S A CLOSE CHOICE.

SINGLE OR MARRIED.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO?

WHETHER YOU WANT TO BE LONELY

OR ANNOYED.

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE ARE YOUR--

WHICHEVER ONE MAKES YOU HAPPIER.

'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...

I WAS SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME.

AND IT WAS FUN BUT SOONER OR

LATER, YOU GET TIRED OF DRIVING

YOUR CAR WITHOUT A WOMAN SITTING

NEXT TO YOU MAKING YOU SO TENSE,

YOU CAN FEEL YOUR COLON TYING

ITSELF INTO A SQUARE KNOT.

BECAUSE TO ME, YOU JUST CAN'T

ENJOY DRIVING UNLESS SOMEBODY

IS SITTING NEXT TO YOU EVERY

THIRTY SECONDS MAKING THIS

NOISE.

AAH!

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT?

WHAT?"

"THE GUY, DIDN'T YOU SEE

THE GUY?"

"I SAW THE GUY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT"--

"AAH!"

"WHAT?"

"WHAT DO YOU SEE?

THERE'S NOTHING THERE."

"AAH!"

"WHAT?"

"STOP IT!"

"YOUR EXIT'S COMING.

YOUR EXIT'S COMING.

YOUR EXIT'S COMING."

"YEAH, SO IS YOURS."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I'M TRYING TO"--

"AAH!"

"WHAT?"

SO, HOW DO YOU KEEP THE

RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER, FOLKS?

ONE WORD, HONESTY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THAT'S THE KEY TO THE

RELATIONSHIP, HONESTY.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

IF YOU CAN FAKE THAT, YOU'VE GOT

IT MADE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND PEOPLE SAY, "HEY, THAT'S NOT

ROMANTIC."

AND I GO, "NO, THAT'S WHAT

ROMANCE IS."

THERE IS NO ROMANCE WITHOUT SOME

LYING.

THAT'S WHAT ROMANCE IS.

A LITTLE BIT OF VASELINE ON THE

CAMERA LENS OF LIFE.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT THE TROUBLE WITH ALL

THE LYING IN THE BEGINNING

OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS THAT YOU

DON'T FIND OUT UNTIL LATER ON

THAT YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH A

CRAZY PERSON.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE.

'CAUSE MOST PEOPLE LOOK NORMAL,

BUT ARE REALLY CRAZY.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO LIKE

A GUY LIKE CHARLES MANSON.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT MANSON

HE'S ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE

WITH THE DECENCY TO LOOK LIKE A

DANGEROUS MANIAC THE FIRST TIME

YOU MEET HIM.

LADIES, IF YOU ARE ON A DATE

WITH MANSON, YOU'D KNOW RIGHT AT

THE RESTAURANT, RIGHT AT THE

TABLE, "I HAVE MADE A HUGE

ERROR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHY IS HE BUTTERING THE BACK OF

THAT CHAIR?"

"HE JUST ASKED FOR THE

CHILDREN'S MENU AND HE ORDERED

A CHILD.

CHECK!"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I THINK ON A FIRST DAY, WE

SHOULDN'T HAVE A DINNER TABLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED FOLKS?

WE NEED A CARD TABLE.

A MAN AND A WOMAN MEET AT

A CARD TABLE, WRITE DOWN ALL

THEIR LITTLE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS

ON LITTLE PLAYING CARDS,

TAKE TURNS BEING HONEST,

SLAPPING THEM DOWN.

THE GUY GOES FIRST, "HELLO, IT'S

NICE TO MEET YOU, MY NAME IS TOM

AND I'M A SCORPIO."

SHE GOES, "HELLO, MY NAME IS

SALLY.

AND I'M A PSYCHO!"

(LAUGHTER)

"OKAY, HUH, MY TURN.

A-HEM.

MY FATHER USED TO LOCK ME

IN A CLOSET WHEN I WAS THREE."

"MY DAD CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET

WHEN I WAS FOUR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, I'M SELF-CENTERED

AND A OBSESSED WITH MY PHYSICAL

APPEARANCE."

"I'M FROM LOS ANGELES AS WELL."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASM

UNLESS I'M ON TOP."

"I CAN'T HAVE AN ORGASM UNLESS

I'M ON CRACK."

(LAUGHTER)

"ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, A-HEM,

A I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

NAMED BOSCO."

"YOU KNOW BOSCO?"

(LAUGHTER)

"ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M NEUROTIC.

I NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE."

"I'M SCHIZOPHRENIC.

I AM OTHER PEOPLE!"

"ALL RIGHT TAKE THE POT YOU WIN.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

GOODBYE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM

IN RELATIONSHIPS IS THAT PEOPLE

DON'T TELL EACH OTHER IN THE

BEGINNING, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T TELL MY GAL THAT I HAD

A HUGE PORNO HABIT.

YOU KNOW.

THAT WASN'T FAIR, SHE DOESN'T

LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW?

I FINALLY GOT HER TO WATCH A

PORNO WITH ME AND I DID NOT GET

THE REACTION I WAS AFTER.

ALL RIGHT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE

STARTED HER OFF WITH ONE THAT

I WAS IN.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I DIDN'T TELL HER ABOUT IT

AND THAT WASN'T FAIR.

AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT IF

SHE DRINKS RED WINE AND HAS PMS

AT THE SAME TIME, THAT SHE'S

CAPABLE OF TAKING A HUMAN LIFE.

SHE'S A GREAT GIRL BUT RED WINE

AND PMS, THAT IS A WITCHES BREW.

MAN, IF WE'RE IN A RESTAURANT

AND SHE HAS PMS AND GOES,

"I THINK I'LL HAVE SOME

RED WINE."

WELL, THAT'S IT.

GET OUT THE POINTY HAT AND THE

BUBBLING CAULDRON HERE IT COMES.

IT'S LIKE THIS.

(IMITATING A WITCH) "HMM HMM.

BOIL, BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.

A LITTLE MENSTRUATION,

A LITTLE CABERNET.

NOW HE'LL BE WRONG, NO MATTER

WHAT YOU SAY."

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

SHE HAD RED WINE AND PMS,

I TOOK HER ONE NIGHT TO A NICE

RESTAURANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY,

I'M ON FULL SECURITY ALERT.

THE LAST THING I NEEDED WAS A

WAITRESS COMING TOWARD OUR TABLE

WITH A LOW CUT BLOUSE.

TO SAY THAT SHE HAD A LARGE

BOSOM IS TO SAY THAT THE

ATLANTIC OCEAN IS DAMP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M THINKING,

"OH, NO, SHE'S GOT PMS, I'M

ALREADY SITTING ON A POWDER KEG

HERE COME THE MATCHES."

SO, THIS IS WHEN YOUR BRAIN

SENDS AN EMERGENCY MESSAGE

TO YOUR EYES LIKE THIS,

"ATTENTION EYES.

THIS IS THE BRAIN, MAYDAY,

MAYDAY, MAYDAY,

WE HAVE TWO GIANT BASSOONS

APPROACHING FROM THE WEST.

DO NOT ENGAGE.

REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE.

SHE'S DRINKING RED WINE

AND HAS PMS, WE ARE AT DEFCON 4.

I SAY AGAIN, DO NOT ENGAGE

THE BASSOONS.

TWO GIANT BASSOONS.

BRA SIZE 3-9ER

CUP SIZE DAVID-DAVID-DAVID.

REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE."

SO, OF COURSE YOUR EYES

CALL BACK LIKE THIS GOING,

"AH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE BREAKING

UP THERE A LITTLE BIT BRAIN, AH,

WE DIDN'T GET THAT LAST MESSAGE

I'M JUST LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW

HERE.

THERE'S A COUPLE OF BASSOONS

COMING IN FROM THE SOUTH, UH,

WE'RE GOING TO BANK LEFT

AND SWOOP IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK."

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS I MUST HAVE GLANCED

AT 'EM.

AND SHE CAUGHT IT, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE GOES,

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WERE YOU

LOOKING AT THE WAITRESSES

BREASTS?

WERE YOU LOOKING AT THE

WAITRESSES BREASTS?"

(SLURPING SOUND)

"WELL, THAT'S IT, GO HOME THEN."

THIS IS WHEN YOU HEAR THE ALARM

FROM THE END OF EVERY SCIENCE

FICTION MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

THIS IS WHEN YOU HEAR.

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"THREE MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

"WAS I LOOKING AT HER BREASTS?"

UH, NO?

(MANIACAL VOICE) "IT'S OKAY,

YOU CAN BE HONEST, YOU DON'T

HAVE TO LIE.

I WON'T BE MAD."

(SLURPING SOUND)"

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"TWO MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

SO I GO, "LOOK HONEY,

LET'S NOT START THIS, OKAY?

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE

THE WAITRESS HAS BIG BREASTS.

I DIDN'T ORDER THEM, THEY CAME

WITH THE MEAL."

(LAUGHTER)

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"ONE-AND-A-HALF MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

AND IT'S JUST GETTING WORSE.

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WHY DO YOU

HAVE TO LIE?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAN?

TRY BEING A MAN."

"ATTENTION, THIS IS THE BRAIN.

ALL UNITS DO NOT BE A MAN.

DO NOT BE A MAN.

YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO

AN AMBUSH."

THAT'S WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE GETS

ON THE RADIO LIKE, "YEAH, WE'VE

HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP WE'RE

GOING IN WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.

JUST FOR THE RECORD IT'S OUR

CALL."

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?"

"THIS IS THE TESTICLES, OUT."

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU BLOW IT,

RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEN YOU START

GOING, "OKAY, YOU WANT THE

TRUTH?

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

HERE'S THE TRUTH.

YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK RED WINE

WHEN YOU HAVE PMS BECAUSE YOU GO

A LITTLE NUTS, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I'M STILL A MAN.

I GOT MILLIONS OF YEARS

OF EVOLUTION IN ME.

YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED

TO DO?

IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO KEEP FROM

BASHING HER WITH THE KETCHUP

BOTTLE AND MOUNTING HER

ON THE SALAD BAR."

(LAUGHTER)

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WHAT DID YOU

JUST SAY?"

"BEGIN FINAL DESTRUCTION

SEQUENCE 10, 9"--

"THIS IS THE TESTICLES,

SHE'S GONNA BLOW.

WE'RE PULLING BACK.

WE'RE PULLING BACK."

"8, 7"--

"WAIT, HONEY, DON'T LEAVE

I'M SORRY, I WAS REALLY WRONG.

I'M SCUM AND YOU'RE GOOD AND

I'M ALWAYS WRONG AND I'M SORRY

AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL."

"DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE PAUSED."

(LAUGHTER)

"AND I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH

ANYBODY BUT YOU THE REST OF

MY LIFE."

"DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE

TERMINATED."

"AH, THAT WAS CLOSE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT THERE ARE SOME HOPEFUL SIGNS

OUT THERE.

THERE ARE SIGNS THAT

MEN AND WOMEN ARE GETTING CLOSER

TOGETHER.

IT'S NOT ALL BAD, RIGHT?

FOOTBALL FOR ONE.

HOW MANY WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

ENJOY FOOTBALL?

APPLAUD IF YOU DO.

(APPLAUSE)

SEE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A LOT MORE THAN USE TO.

AND HOW MANY MEN IN THE AUDIENCE

ENJOY LITTLE CRYSTAL ELEPHANTS

ABOUT THAT SIZE?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A WAYS TO GO.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE ARE A LOT OF ADVANTAGES,

MAN.

FOOD'S BETTER IF YOU'RE MARRIED.

I'VE NOTICED THAT.

IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN THE

FOOD I'M COOKING AT MY HOUSE.

I HAVE FLIES THAT WON'T EAT

MY COOKING.

THAT'S PRETTY LOW.

YOU GO, "YOU FLIES WANT SOME

FOOD?"

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME

THING.

"EEEEHHHH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

SOME DOG CRAP."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU SURE?"

"NAH, WE DON'T WANT TO BE,

WE GOAT A BIG STEAMING PILE,

WE'RE FINE."

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T COOK BECAUSE THERE ARE

NO COOKING SHOWS ON TV FOR A GUY

LIKE ME.

THESE ARE ALL YOUR COOKING

SHOWS.

ALWAYS A GUY, FANCY APRON,

"HELLO, WELCOME TO COOKING THAT

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE'S

ACTUAL LIFE.

TODAY WE'RE MAKING A VERY

COMPLICATED RECIPE,

USING INGREDIENTS YOU DON'T

HAVE, UTENSILS YOU'VE NEVER

HEARD OF, IN A KITCHEN BIGGER

THAN YOU'RE WHOLE BLOODY HOUSE."

AND YOU'RE GOING, WHY DON'T THEY

EVER HAVE A COOKING SHOW WHERE

THE HOST IS JUST A REGULAR PIG?

WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A COOKING

SHOW WHERE THE HOST IS A REGULAR

PIG?

JUST SOME GUY OUT THERE, HE'S IN

HIS UNDERWEAR, BIG, FAT STOMACH,

BALD HEAD, PORNO BOOK,ç

PIZZA BOXES EVERY PLACE.

A SHOW CALLED "COOKING WITH BILL

THE BELCHING GOURMET."

A SHOW FOR ANYBODY WHO EVER

TRIED TO MAKE TUNA FISH ON

TOAST...

BUT WOUND UP IN THE BURN UNIT

WITH MAYONNAISE IN THEIR HAIR.

JUST A BIG PIG MAN GOING,

"(BELCH) HEY, THANKS FOR TUNING

IN (BELCH) TO MY SHOW,

'COOKING WITH BILL THE BELCHING

GOURMET.'

(BELCH) TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO MAKE

A NICE BEEF WELLINGTON AND I'D

LIKE TO BE IN A HOT TUB NAKED

WITH SELMA HAYEK BUT (FART)

LET'S BE REALISTIC."

(LAUGHTER)

"HERE'S WHAT I AM COOKING.

FULL FAT MACARONI AND CHEESE.

STILL THIRTY-EIGHT CENTS

A METRIC TON FOR THIS CRAP.

(BELCH) JUST POP IT IN

THE MICROWAVE AND SET IT ON

CARDIAC ARREST.

(BELCH) WHILE WE TAKE A LOOK

AT SOME THE MAIL THAT'S BEEN

POURING IN FROM YOU GUYS OUT

THERE WHO NEED COOKING ADVICE.

HERE'S A GUY WHO WRITES IN, IT

SAYS "DEAR, BILL.

THE OTHER DAY MY WIFE AND I GOT

IN AN ARGUMENT OVER THE SALAD

FORKS.

(BELCH) SHE SAYS THEY GO ON THE

RIGHT.

I SAY THEY GO ON THE LEFT.

SO, HERE'S MY QUESTION,

(SNIFFS SNOT)

DO YOU THINK ST. LOUIS CAN COME

BACK AND GET IN THE SUPER BOWL

NEXT YEAR?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND SPEAKING OF MYSTERIES,

WHY DOES DIET COKE ALWAYS ONLY

HAVE ONE CALORIE?

THEY GET THE OTHER CALORIES OUT

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THAT

LAST LITTLE BASTARD?

AND WHY DO THEY SAY YOU GOT TO

WAIT AN HOUR AFTER YOU EAT TO GO

SWIMMING?

THE OTHER DAY, I FED MY FISH

(BELCH) AND THEY WENT SWIMMING

RIGHT AFTER THEY FINISHED

EATING?

(BELCH) ANYWAY, BEFORE I GO OFF

ON A TANGENT, HERE'S MY

QUESTION.

"I WAS LOOKING AT KEITH RICHARDS

OF THE ROLLING STONES AND STEVE

TYLER FROM THE GROUP AEROSMITH

AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU

THINK OF THIS.

"IT LOOKS LIKE HEROIN IS REALLY

GOOD FOR YOUR HAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, HOLD ON, MY WIFE IS YELLING

ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE OTHER

ROOM.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,

IT'S A BOY!

AS I WAS SAYING...

"I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY HEALTH

AND I'VE NOTICED THAT THE MORE

DISGUSTING A FOOD TASTES WHEN

YOU EAT IT, THE MORE LIKELY

IT IS TO BE GOOD FOR YOU.

AND THEN I NOTICED THAT MY DOG

IS ALWAYS LICKING HIS OWN ASS.

SO DOES HE KNOW SOMETHING

THAT I DON'T KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S GOT A REAL SHINY

COAT AND I'M LOSING ALL MY HAIR.

SIGNED CONFUSED."

WELL, THANKS FOR THAT LETTER.

WELL, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO ANSWER

ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

UNTIL TOMORROW, REMEMBER OUR

MOTTO, "NEVER FRY BACON

WHEN YOU'RE NAKED."

(LAUGHTER)

SO THERE, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

RIGHT FOLKS?

YEAH, NO CONDOM, THAT'S GOOD.

NO CONDOM.

YEAH!

I ACTUALLY HAD A WOMAN ASK ME

SHE GOES, "RICH, TELL THE TRUTH,

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS STANDING

AT A BAR, DO MEN MIND WEARING

THE CONDOM?"

YOU EVER BEEN DRINKING AND THEN

START LYING AND YOU JUST CAN'T

STOP?

JUST ON A RUNAWAY TRAIN OF CRAP

WHERE YOU JUST GET GOING.

DO YOU MIND WEARING THE CONDOM?

I'M THERE WITH A DRINK GOING,

"MIND?

AH-HA.

(CLINK)

CONTRAIRE.

I PREFER THE CONDOM SOMETIMES

I WEAR 5, 10 AT A TIME.

WHY WOULD I MIND?

THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE IN THE

SENSATION UNLESS YOU COUNT

THE TOTAL LACK OF ANY.

IN FACT, I WISH I HAD A CONDOM

ON RIGHT NOW AT THE BAR.

IF ONLY I HAD A PIECE OF

DISGUSTING GREASY RUBBER

JUST STRANGLING THE BASE OF MY

TALLYWACKER WITH ENOUGH FORCE

TO CAUSE MY EYES TO FLY OUT ON

SPRINGS, LIKE SOMEBODY IN A

WARNER BROTHERS CARTOON,

AND RIPPING OUT PUBIC HAIR IN

EIGHT DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS...

WHAT A NIGHT.

I LOVE A TIGHT RIPPY FEELING

IN THE CROTCH.

IT RELAXES ME.

IN FACT, THAT'S HOW I GO

TO ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

GET IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR,

PUT ON A FEZ, GET NAKED,

AND GET OUT A MONKEY WRENCH.

START TIGHTENING THAT BABY

RIGHT AROUND THE BASE OF THE OLD

JOHNSON.

THEN I LIKE TO GET OUT THE

NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS AND START

YANKING OUT PUBIC HAIR IN

CLUMPS.

AND I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE

IF I'M NOT SLEEPING LIKE A BABY

IN FIVE MINUTES.

(SNORES)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN THE AUDIENCE, BY YOUR

APPLAUSE, BELIEVE IN GOD?

APPLAUD IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

THAT'S NOT SURPRISING.

AMERICANS ARE A VERY SPIRITUAL

PEOPLE.

I READ THE OTHER DAY THAT

80% OF ALL AMERICANS BELIEVE

THAT ANGELS ARE REAL.

WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE

50% OF AMERICANS THINK THAT

DNA EVIDENCE IS UNRELIABLE.

(LAUGHTER)

MYSELF, I'M CATHOLIC--

WELL, I'M CATHOLIC IN THE SAME

SENSE THAT IF A COW IS BORN

IN A TREE THEN IT'S A BIRD.

(LAUGHTER

I'M NOT GOING TO WAR

OVER MY RELIGION OR NOTHING.

I DON'T GET THAT.

PEOPLE GOING TO WAR OVER

RELIGION.

I DON'T KNOW.

I COULD SEE GOING TO WAR OVER

JUSTICE OR DEMOCRACY OR EVEN

REVENGE, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING

TO WAR OVER RELIGION, NOW YOU'RE

JUST KILLING PEOPLE IN AN

ARGUMENT OVER WHO HAS THE BETTER

IMAGINARY FRIEND.

(LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE)

BUT I--

THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT I WAS BROUGHT UP CATHOLIC.

MY MOM TOOK US TO MASS EVERY

SUNDAY.

SHORT FOR "MASSIVE HEAD TRAUMA."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT YOU GET FROM YOUR MOTHER

PUNCHING YOU IN YOUR LITTLE

NINE YEAR OLD HEAD EVERY MINUTE

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SIT STILL

FOR ANYTHING THIS BORING.

THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THE GUY

IN FRONT IS A PRIEST, HIS MAIN

JOB IS TO STAND IN ONE SPOT,

NO EXPRESSION, NO EMOTION,

AND SAY THE WORD "LORD", EIGHT,

NINE THOUSAND TIMES IN A VERY

CLIPPED JUST CAUGHT MY SCROTUM

IN A SUBWAY DOOR

KERMIT-THE-PRIEST VOICE.

THIS IS HOW OUR GUY USE TO TALK.

I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

(KERMIT VOICE) "LORD."

OH, LORD, GOD.

OH, GOD, LORD.

OH, LORD, AS I MUST DO

EACH WEEK, LET ME REPEAT THINGS

OVER AN OVER AS IF TO FILL UP

A BUT ASS BORING HOUR.

LORD, YOU ARE HOLY, HOLY, HOLY.

YOU ARE ONE HOLY GUY THERE,

LORD.

YOU ARE A 10 POUND OF HOLY IN A

5 POUND BAG LORD."

AND I'D BE SITTING THERE

NINE YEARS OLD GOING, "WHAT ARE

YOU, RAINMAN?

WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?"

OW!

"SIT STRAIGHT AND SHUT UP.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'RE IN GOD'S HOUSE RIGHT

NOW."

"GOD IS IN HERE?

YEAH, OKAY.

I GUESS HE MUST HAVE LOST A BET

'CAUSE THAT'S ABOUT THE--

OW!

(LAUGHTER)

WOULD YOU QUIT HITTING ME, MOM?

WHAT WOULD GOD BE DOING IN HERE?

YOU TOLD ME GOD COULD GO

ANYWHERE.

IF I WAS GOD AND GO ANYWHERE

I WOULDN'T COME HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IF I WAS GOD I'D BE IN FRONT OF

THIS CHURCH ON A CELL PHONE,

SMOKING A CIGARETTE."

YOU'D WALK OUT OF THE CHURCH

AND GOD WOULD BE THERE.

YOU SAY, "HEY, GOD, WHY AREN'T

YOU INSIDE?"

AND HE'D GO, "I WAS, I COULDN'T

TALK ONE MORE MINUTE OF THAT

NONSENSE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I KEPT THINKING OUR CHURCH

IS IN THE MIDDLE OF BROOKLYN,

NEW YORK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET ONE OF

THESE LOCAL GOODFELLA, JOE PESCI

TYPE CHARACTERS THAT LIVES

HERE, LET HIM CONDUCT THE MASS,

AND WE'D ALL BE OUT OF THERE

IN FIVE MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T THEY GET SOME GUY

UP THERE IN A SHINY SUIT ON THE

ALTAR WHO'S GOT STUFF TO DO.

(LAUGHTER)

HE WALK, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

WELCOME TO MASS.

NICE TO SEE YA.

I'M THE REVEREND VINNIE

CIPERCHLIS.

SIT DOWN SHUT UP I'M DOUBLE

PARKED.

"OKAY, HERE'S EVERYTHING

YOU GOT TO KNOW IF YOU WANT

TO GO TO HEAVEN.

A LONG TIME AGO THERE'S A GARDEN

THIS BROAD IS WALKING THROUGH

SHE TALKS TO A SNAKE, BITES ON

AN APPLE, THAT MEANS WHEN YOU'RE

BORN YOUR AND EVIL USELESS

WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

GOES WITH OUT SAYING.

NOW, SKIP AHEAD, SKIP AHEAD,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY, THE FATHER SENDS DOWN THE

SON THERE'S A PREGNANT VIRGIN

IN A BARN, THREE WISE GUYS

COME IN FROM THE EAST.

THAT'S CHRISTMAS.

GET A TREE.

SKIP, SKIP, SKIP,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY, THIS GUY JESUS, HE'S DOING

GOOD, HIS FRIEND RATS HIM OUT,

THE ROMANS WHACK HIM,

THAT'S EASTER.

GET A HAT."

SO THOSE ARE THE MAIN THINGS.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

YOU GOT THE PRIEST, THE SAINTS,

THE CARDINALS, RIGHT NOW,

THE SAINT'S ARE PLAYING

THE CARDINALS.

I GOT A HUGE BET ON THE GAME.

I GOT TO GET OUT A HERE.

GOD BLESS YOU.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK."

YEAH, HOW'S THAT?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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