I'm Sorry

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 05/12/2015

Amy feels ignored at a bar, acts adorable on a late-night talk show and interviews a gigolo.

♪♪

♪ Come back, come in

♪ Come and electrify me

♪ I know you gotsomething I want ♪

♪ Shake my bonesto the floor ♪

♪ Let it all go...

(announcer)Furmanski beer.

(men laughing)

Hey.

Uh, what was-- whatwas that all about?

Uh, what do you mean?

I'm sorry, were youflirting with that beer?

Uh, I don't know,kind of?

(men laughing)

(chuckles)Okay.

Why would youdo that?

I was thirsty,

so I guess I waschecking out the beer.

Yeah, but you--you seem...

excuse me,I apologize.

You seemed, like,turned on by it.

Oh!

Oh, you thought I waslooking at you.

Oh!Oh, no!

(men laughing)

Oh, you're nota beer!

No.

She didn't get it.

No.

Yeah, I mean,it was sweating,

in like, that way, right?

It seemed like itwas into me, so...

Well, I was into you.

Well, I can't open yourhead with a lighter.

(men laughing)

So, you, like, actually wannahave sex with your beer?

Yeah, I hadn't thought itall the way through, but...

Yeah, still sortathinking it through.

(scoffs)That'd be amazing!

Yeah, I mean, I wish therewas a beer I could fuck.

(announcer)Dick Hole beer.

Finally, a beeryou can fuck.

Ah!All right!

Okay, we are all infor a big treat.

Our next guest ismaking her starring debut

in Baz Luhrmann's musical remakeof "Blade Runner."

This is also herfirst time on our show.

Please welcome,ladies and gentlemen,

Amy Lake Blively!

Thank you!(applause)

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow!

Wowie, wowie,wowie, wowie.

That's you,right there, right there.

That's your cup,that's you.

Wow, what a great crowd.

Wow, Amy,you look stunning!

Thank you.(laughing)

Cliffley, I'm soexcited to be here.

Oh, really?Yeah, you look excited.

Does she look excited?She look excited?

No, this is myfavorite TV show.

Oh, really?My absolute favorite TV show.

I've been watching thissince I was, like, 16.

So, like, two years ago?(laughs)

Stop it!Stop it!

(rim shot)

I have to just tell you,I'm, like, a little nervous,

because I have always hadthe biggest crush on you.

(laughing)

Hold on, I needto call my wife.

Uh, Darflyn,it's over.

Ah-ca-clank!

Err, kink!Huh, gaa!

(gunshot, then rim shot)

Seriously, that dress,that dress!

No.Look at the dress.

Give me a break.Oo-hoo-hoo, no!

(makes steaming noises)

No, I-- I feel soawkward in it,

I don't even knowhow to sit, like, look.

I don't know--I sat down,

I was like, I don't evenknow how to sit in it.

I don't know.

(burlesque music playing)

I don't knowhow to sit.

How do I sit?

Whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa!

(impersonates Jimmy Durante)Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

But no, I am likesuch a tomboy.Oh, yeah?

I usually just wear, like,sweatpants if I'm home,

or my favoriteteam's jersey.

Mm-hmm?Or I'm naked, I'm just--

Uh-oh! Liftoff!Yo, Darflyn!

(laughter)

(vocalizing)Am I right?

(rim shot)Yo!

I'm sorry, it isso cold in here.

Oh, yeah?Yeah.

I just-- I havethis thing

that's like veryunique to just me.

Uh-huh?Where I'm always cold.

Uh-huh?I was voted

in high school"Most Cold."

Wow!

Would you likemy jacket?

Ohh! Really?

Should I giveher my jacket?

Should I give hermy jacket?

Should I give hermy jacket?(applause)Give it to her!

(speaking gibberish)Should I give her my jacket?

Should I give hermy jacket?

You are suchthe best gentleman!I'll give you my jacket.

There we go,there we go.

It's so big on me.

Just like...(peeping)

Where'd she go?

"Chivalby" is aliveand well here.

Unfortunately,so is Darflyn, hey-o!

(laughter)

Yo, Darflyn, I just gotyou a necklace, hello!

(glass breaking)

So, I understand youjust had a birthday.

Is that, uh...?Oh, yes,

that is so true.

Okay, this is such a funnyand interesting story.

So, me and allmy girlfriends

went to a nature preserve.

Mmm.In Fiji.

It's an island!Everybody has to go.

You can afford it!

So, they have theseunderprivileged dolphins.

Oh, no.Yeah, this onedolphin, Windy,

one day we just,like, locked eyes

and he just, like,went down on me.

Now, did that, uh, makeyour boyfriend jealous?

My boyfriend--yeah, right.

The only man in my life

is my labradoodleEva Braun.

Aw, pretty name.

I'm told my idea ofa perfect evening at home

is just, like, stayingat home and just, like,

baking for my bestgirlfriends,

and just, like,reading comic books.

That's why I'mso excited...

Yeah.about Baz's "Blade Runner,"

because I've always beena huge sci-fi freak.

I am, like, so embarrassedto tell you guys this,

but my favoritemovie ever,

like, my favorite movieof all time--

this is so embarrassing,is "Star Wars."

(cheers and applause)

You know whatthat means!

Looks like someone inthe audience is the winner

of our Dannon Yogurtsweepstakes.

We'll be right back.

Hello, desert?

Get ready forDarflyn's body.

Click!

Okay, actors, if we couldget you on your marks,

that'd be great.That's it for looks.

Okay, so, pizza boy,

we got you right here.Yes.

Dad, you're here.

And, Mom, you knowyou land here.Right.

You hear the doorbell ring,open the door.

Pizza boy...Right.

"Did anyone ordera family-style...

Family-style pizza?...pizza?" okay.

You say, "Welcome home.

Mom, why don't yougreet me like that?"

And that's it. We got it?Got it.

Sure thing, chief.We're good? Okay, great.

You got it,you're the boss.Let's shoot a commercial.

Roll cameras.Sound speed.

Scene one, take one.

(slate board clacks)

And action.

(doorbell rings)

Did someone ordera family-style pizza?

Welcome home!

How come you don't--

(pants unzipping)Holy shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,cut, cut, cut, cut!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.What, what, what?

What's up?Hey.

Let's get these up, huh?What?

Let's get these up.

What, make it sexier?No.

Make it sexier, or...?You don't needto make it sexy.

It's a pizza commercial.Just say the line.

Ohhhhh.

I'm sorry, captain,I see, I see.

Let it build.Let it build, yeah?

Okay, just...All right, all right.

Just say...Places, everyone.

Places, everybody.You don't need to say that.

All right, guys,um, roll camera.

Scene one, take two.(man)Mark it.

(slate board clacks)

And--(Dad)And...

Action.(doorbell rings)

Did someone ordera family-style pizza?

Welcome home!

Oh, my God!Jesus!

Whoa, cut, cut!Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's up, too hot,too hot?

I'm sorry.What, make it sexier?

No, no, no, not sexier.Sexier? Sexier? Hotter?

Hotter? Hotter?You don't need tomake it hotter.

It is a pizzacommercial, okay?

Make it hotter.That is not what I'm saying.

All right?Make it sexier?

There's nothingsexual about this.

This is nota porn, Doug.

It's not a porn.It's not a porn, okay?

Ohhh, right, right,right, right, right.This is just a pizza ad.

What the "f" iswith this guy?

This is reallycreeping me out.

(Amy)Okay, um, Doug

used to be inpornos, okay?

Thousands and thousandsof them, okay?

(man)Yeah, I knewI knew this guy.

He's Doug Saint Hammer!Star of "The Brown Mile,"

"12 Queers of Gay,""Blackhawk Brown,"

and "Entourage."

This guy's a legend!

He's been fuckedmore than anybody.

Okay, um, so we're justgonna be patient with him

and just roll with it,'cause we have nobody else.

Hey, captain, captain?Yep?

Can I talk to you a second?What's up, Doug?

Um, when-- when do I startsucking all the "d"s?

There's no-- there's no"d"s, uh, sucking today.

It's a--It's a pizza commercial.

So, cut out the middle manand go straight to anal?

No, uh, Doug,there's no--

there's absolutelyno sex in this scene.

It's a-- it's a--Why?

Because it'sa pizza commercial.

I got it-- pizza, pizza,I'm good, I'm good.

Okay, great.I only have onelast question.

One last question.Yeah, what's going on?

When does the momknuckle-dust me?That's not...

When does the momknuckle-blast me?I'm sorry, excuse me.

This is gross,this is, like, totally.I understand.

This commercial ismy big break,

and I am notgonna have it ruined

by some husk ofa pervert, okay?No way.

I understand,I understand what you're saying.

(Doug)No, no, no.

No, you know what?No, chief, chief, chief?

She's right, I am a huskof a pervert.

You're right.

When I got to Hollywoodin the '70s, I was--

you know, I justwanted to be an actor.

I was a kid with a headfull of dreams

and pants fullof donkey cock.

I was brokeand desperate.

This dude at a bowling alleysaid, "Hey, man,

you wanna makesome money acting?"

I said, "Yeah, man."

At first, it was a wayto pay the bills,

and I figured I'd alwaysget back to real acting.

Then I lost my wifeand my child, at the mall.

That's when I turnedto crank and Kahlúa.

You know, Mexican Russians?Yeah.

Now, I'm just abroken down woodsman who...

thought he could act.

Well, if anyone needs me,I'll be out in the parking lot,

plying my trade.

Ten dollarsto look at it,

five to watch mejerk it,

$3.50 to spit on my hand,a dollar for a sniff.

But close your eyes,'cause as I mentioned,

it's ten to look at it, so...

You know, it's an honor system,there's no peeking or anything--

Doug, wait,come back here.

Guys, what do you say wedo one take Doug's way?

Wait, what?Let's shoot one...

...Doug's way.

Everybody's in, right?

Yeah.I don't knowwhat to say.

Just say yes, man.

(man)Doug.

Doug, Doug.

(people chanting "Doug")

All right,let's go, let's go!All right, let's makethis commercial!

Roll cameras!Get on your mark.

(man shouting)

(man)Scene one, take three.

And... action!

(doorbell rings)

Did someone order a pizza?(Doug)Yeah.

(zipper unzipping)

Oh my God.

(shuddering)

♪♪

(Doug singing)