Let Me Transfer You

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 10/02/2015

A car salesman pulls out all the stops, the gang surprises Gary on a camping trip, the Easter Bunny finds himself in the wrong house, and Beth has a religious experience.




I'll put one there.


[hums]Ooh, that's good.

And finally,I'll put one--

Can I help you?

Oh, you startled me, I--

You got five seconds, or I paintthis kitchen with your brains.

Okay, okay,don't shoot, please don't.

I'm sorry,I'm-I'm the Easter Bunny!

The what now?

The Easter Bunny.


And just what in the helldo you think you're doing

in my house...Easter Bunny?

Duh! I'm just hiding eggs,you know, for your kids,

for your children.

Eggs? For my kids?

Well, not real eggs.Plastic eggs.

And they're filledwith candy.

- Candy?- Yeah, candy.

I just wanna giveyour kids candy.

Whoa, okay! Sir, I--

Let me get this straight.

You break into my housein the middle of the night

in a goddamn rabbit costume...

I'm not a costume.

To give my children candy?

Not give. Hide.

They have to find itto eat it, but--

You child-molestingmother[bleep]!

What? No, no! No, no!

You got ten seconds to get outof here, or I start firing. One.

Okay. All right.I'm leaving. I'm walking away.


But just so you know,sir, I--



My face.

And that's how you knowthe Easter Bunny isn't real.


Now it's timeto get some sleep.


Good night, my sweet,sweet boys.


And just so you know,I love you.



Why was that manwearing Dad's robe?

I'm scared.

Hello there,I'm I'll Do Anything Andy.

And here at Andy's Used Autos,

I'll do anythingto get your business.

I'll wear a funny hat.

I'll let you dunk me.Whoa!

I'll throw in a barbecue.

I'll do anything.

I'll eat your vegetablesfor you.

I'll bare-knuckle fight a tiger.

Come on, you big pussy.


I'll bare-knuckle fight a bear.


I'll bare-knuckle fightthe other kind of bear.

What are you doing later?

I'll drink a gallon of milkin under an hour.

Ah.That wasn't so bad--

I'll tell your motherto move into a home.

You're old,and they don't want you.

I'll cut off my own finger.[screams]

I'll Tokyo driftthrough a preschool.

[tires screech]

I'll do anything.

I'll eat glass.

I'll [bleep] ass.

Come here, you.

I'll file your taxes.

Carry the one.Ooh, I think you're gonna owe.

I'll start a race war.

Hey, you guys look likea bunch of [bleep].

I'll go skydivingwithout a parachute.


I'll let you [bleep] my wife!

I'll fake my own death.


I'll fake your own death.

I'm okay.

I'll light myself on fire.


I'll get tarred and feathered.

I'll cut off my own dick.


No, wait,I haven't even started yet.


I'll walk your dog.

Hey, I was gonnaput that back on.

Dog took my dick.

I'll get drawn and quartered.

I'll hire an artist to draw megetting drawn and quartered.

Sacre bleu!

I'll slash sticker pricesby 10%!

I'll do anything.I'm I'll Do Anything Andy!

10% and he'll [bleep] my ass.Kids get in the truck.

(Dana)Look at that turdbag, Gary.

Leading scoutson a campout like a jerk,

I say we scare the shitout of that asshole

and teach him a lesson.

A revenge lessonon the art of pranking.

Matt, is your headin the game or what?

Oh, it's in the game.It's in the game hard.

That's what I like to hear.

Now, put onthose tight little scout shorts,

and let's roll out.

And that, boys,is how you tell the difference

between a common oak leaf andthe dreaded poison oak leaf.

Speaking of dread,

I'm surprised you brought us allto Maple Falls,

the siteof all those grizzly murders.

What? No, no onewas murdered up here.

Oh, yeah.Tons of murders.

Why would you bring usup here, Dad?

No, kids. Listen.

There were no murders here,okay? I'm pretty sure.

♪ Do doo doo Whoa!

If it isn't a bunch of campers

led by a stupidscout master fatso.

Oh, hello, Park Ranger.

Kids, this manhelps take care of--

Oh, enough about me.

You know, you boysare either awful brave,

or your leader isa certified numbskull.

I mean, for this guyto bring you kids up here

with a mass murdereron the loose, that's just crazy.

What? That's true?

Oh, sure.Big-time true.

The Butcher of Maple Fallshas been on quite a rampage

as of late.

Really? Oh, no.

Wait. Do you guys hear somethingcoming from the woods?

What? What is out there?

I hear something too,and it sounds super close.

[crickets chirp]

He said,"It sounds super close!"

Ah! Blah! Murder!

Oh, my God!

I'm The Butcher of Maple Falls,

and I'm hereto murder somebody tonight.

This can't be happening.Kids, run!

Don't worry, kids.You're safe.

I only slaughterthe stinkiest, stupidest,

flabbiest bozo I can find.

And tonight,it's you, lardass!

Please, somebody help me.

You see this, kids?

- Your leader is a coward.- Get him!

I'm going to cut off your faceand stuff it down my pants.

- No, please!- Get ready to die, dummy!

Please, no!


Ha! I knew it.We scared the shit out of Gary.

What? What is happening?Am I dead?

No, you jackass.It's us.

Dana? Andy?What is this?

Just your classic"hide out in the woods,

"pretend to bea mass murderer,

"scare a guy till he shitshis pants to teach him a lesson

in the art of revenge pranking"revenge prank.

Suck it, Gary!Whoo!


[phone vibrates]- Oh, Donnie just 'grammed

a picture of Gary'spooped-out pants.

(Donnie)#SuckItDad! Whoo!

I'm really startingto like that kid.

♪ Suck it, Gary

[electronic music]

Oh, my God, Jen, I got someserious butt drama in route.

You want me to holdyour milk shake?

Hell no, betch.

I drink milk shakewherever I want.

Betch, I bet she wantedto drink my shake.

God, I need new friends,like, cool friends,

like James Spader...


[baby crying]

Oh, my God.

Jen, I just hadan effing baby.

Oh, my God.You had sex?

No, God,you're so stupid, Jen.

You know I'm saving myselffor Cumberbetch.

This is obviouslylike a Jesus baby.

Oh, my God, we're goingto be, like, famous.

We?You mean me, betch.

I'm the one that's goingto have her own reality show,

with, like, me and Jesus just,like, doing, like, Jesus things

in the Hamptons.

Get out of here, betch!

This baby sucks.

It doesn't do anything

and is, like, basically ruiningmy life right now.

Why don't you sell itto the Baby Crap?

Oh, my God, I shouldsell it to Baby Crap

for like a million dollars.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I have this babythat I'm looking to sell.

How much can we get for it?

It's an ima-inaccurate conc--

It's a Jesus baby.Give me some money!

You meanimmaculate conception?

Yeah, like, God wanted to makea baby with the best woman

on Earth, and basically,he chose me for obvious reasons.

Now you're trying to sellthis baby to the Crap?

No, to the Baby Crap,you dumbass.

Why would I sell a baby toregular Crap if it's a baby?

Some people.

Well, I'm not sureI can help you.

The Baby Crap doesn'treally buy babies.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I don't know,it's a Jesus.

Look at you, what a face.

Oh, my,this isn't a baby.

I think it's a...


Oh, my gah!


That's the best burrito babyI've ever had in my life.

[baby crying]

[techno music]

So it is mineand Julie's first date,

but I should probably buysome condoms just in case?

Hell if I know, I had mea vasectomy when I was 16.

Or at leastthat's what I tell the ladies.

- [clicks tongue][phone rings]

Oh, jeez. It's that guycalling back again.

Oh, oh, hey!Transfer him down to Ben.

That will wear him out.

Oh, good idea.

[phone rings]- Ben Department.

This is Ben speaking.How can I help you?

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?Listen here, you fat bitch.

I'll transfer youto that department.

[phone rings]- Hello, Fat Bitch Department.

No! God, no, I do not wantthe Fat Bitch Department.

- Okay, let me transfer you.[phone rings]

Hello, Not Fat Bitch Department.

How can I help you?

This is insane.You're all a bunch of assholes.

Do you havea screw loose or something?

- Hold please.[phone rings]

Hell-hell-hell-hello, TripTank.

This is Ro-robot-robot Ben.

How can I help--can I help--

can I help--can I help--help you?

I don't understanda word you're saying.

Put the other guy back on.

Let me--let me--let me trans-trans-transfer you.

- Transfer you. Cookies.[phone rings]

(answering machine)Hello, you've reachedthe Fat Bitch Department.

- We're all on break right now.- Ah!