Wednesday, April 29, 2015

  • 04/29/2015

Eugene Mirman, Max Silvestri and Emily Heller come up with non-penile uses for the eggplant emoji, #SickBurnAHunk and make up stops for a crappy bus line.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SOME GREAT NEWS FORINSTAGRAMMERS WHO CAN'T FIGURE

OUT PESKY THINGS CALLED WORDSAND/OR LETTERS.

YOU CAN NOW PHOTOS USING EMOJIAS YOUR HASHTAG.

YAY, SYMBOLS!

JUST FOR KICKS, OUR FIRST SEARCHWAS THIS.

OF COURSE, TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

BUT--

( APPLAUSE )

GODDAMNIT. I WISH THAT'S ALL ITWAS.

I REALLY WISH THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

BUT THE ONLY RESULT WHEN WESEARCHED THIS HASHTAG ON

INSTAGRAM WAS A NICE YOUNG LADYWHO WAS PROBABLY MEETING A

FRIEND FOR COFFEE.

THAT'S ALL WE GOT.

WHAT A LET DOWN!

WE CAN'T EXACTLY SEE WHAT SHE'SDOING OFF SCREEN.

BUT THEN, BECAUSE WE'RE 13YEARS OLD, WE DID A SEARCH FOR

THE SMILING POOP PILE WHICHTURNED UP OVER 6,000 PHOTOS

TAGGED WITH HAPPY PILES OF (BLEEP ).

THAT SURPRISINGLY ARE NOT INRELATION TO THE "ENTOURAGE"

MOVIE.

( APPLAUSE )

BUT THEN ONE --

YEAH!

(BLEEP) PEOPLE FOR MAKING THETHING!

-- BUT ONE EMOJI INSTAGRAM WON'TLET YOU SEARCH FOR IS THE

EGGPLANT, A.K.A., THE UNIVERSALSYMBOL FOR DONG.

BOO!

I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THIS FIRSTPOPPED ON TO THE EMOJI SCENE,

I WAS LIKE, FINALLY, I DON'THAVE TO SPELL OUT EGGPLANT ALL

DAY IN MY TEXTS.

BUT, PLEASE GET YOUR HEAD OUT OFTHE GUTTER, INSTAGRAM.

THE EGGPLANT DOESN'T ALWAYSEQUAL THROBBING PURPLE DICK

PICK.

SO COMEDIANS, THE AUBERGINE IS ANOBLE VEGETABLE.

PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER USE FORTHE HASHTAG EGGPLANT ON

INSTAGRAM THAT IS NOT PENISRELATED, MAX.

>> I'D PUT ON A PICTURE OF MYFAMILY'S FAMOUS BABAGANOSH.

COINCEDENTALLY, THAT'S WHAT ALLTHE MEN IN OUR FAMILY CALL OUR

PENISES.

>> Chris: OH, MAN. IT'S ACIRCUITUS ROUTE TO GET TO A DICK

PICK, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> THIS IS ALSO AWKWARD, LIKETHIS STORY IS HOW I'M FINDING

OUT PENISES ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOKLIKE THE EGGPLANT EMOJI.

>> Chris: THAT'S HOW MINE LOOKS,TOO.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE THE THUMBSDOWN EMOJI.

>> IS THE GREEN PART AT THE TIPOR THE BASE?

( LAUGHTER )

BECAUSE FOR ME, IT'S BOTH.

( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> CAN YOU GUYS STOP?

I'M GETTING TOO HORNY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: A TEXAS WOMAN WASFIRED FROM HER JOB AT A DAYCARE

BEFORE SHE EVEN STARTED BECAUSESHE POSTED A MESSAGE COMPLAINING

ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK.

NOW, GUYS, FACEBOOK ISN'T YOUR( BLEEP ) ROOM.

OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE IT.

( LAUGHTER )

KAITLIN WALLS, WHO ACCORDING TOHER BREAST, IS A FAN OF EDDIE,

POSTED THIS TO FACEBOOK.

I STARTED MY NEW JOB TODAY BUT IABSOLUTELY HATE WORKING AT

DAYCARE.

BY THE TIME SHE GOT AROUND TOSAYING, "LOL, IT'S ALL GOOD, I

REALLY JUST HATE BEING AROUND ALOT OF KIDS," WORD HAD GOTTEN

BACK TO HER NEW EXEMPLOYERS WHOTOLD HER NOT TO BOTHER COMING IN

DUE TO -- DUH!

COMEDIANS WHAT'S ANOTHER POSTTHAT MIGHT GET YOU FIRED FROM A

JOB YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.

MISS HELLER?

>> GETTING READY TO FEEL SOMETITTIES-- I MEAN START MY JOB AS

A MAMMOGRAM GUY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Chris IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAG WARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

ACCORDING TO "THE DAILY MAIL,"AN ITALIAN MALE MODLE WITH A PhD

EXPLAINS HE'S NOT TAKENSERIOUSLY AS A TEACHER BECAUSE

HE'S SO GOOD LOOKING.

HERE HE IS.

I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM.

THEN HE POSTS PHOTOS LIKE THISTHAT ARE RIDICULOUSLY TOO GOOD

LOOKING ON HIS INSTAGRAM.

(ITALIAN ACCENT) IT'S JUST-A TOOHARD TO WIN THE GENETIC JACKPOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO (FUCK)AND DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO MY

LESSON.

DO I TEACH THE MATH?

DO I SELL THEM COLOGNE IN TINYGYM SHORTS?

WHAT IS AN ITALIAN GOD HAS TODO?

RIPPED SHIRTLESS, GOOD-LOOKINGGUYS HAD IT GOOD FOR TOO LONG.

SO TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO TAKETHOSE JERKS DOWN A PEG WITH OUR

SUBTLE WORDPLAY WITH TONIGHT'SHASHTAG #SICKBURNAHUNK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TAKE THAT.

EXAMPLES OF SICK BURNS MIGHT BEBRADLEY COOPER, MORE LIKE BRATLY

POOPER.

OR CHRIS HARDWICK, MORE LIKEPISS LARD DICK.

THESE ARE SICK BURNS, GUYS. SICKBURNS.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

MAX.

>> BEN AFFLECK, MORE LIKE BENAFFLECK WHO'S DESCENDENTS

STRAIGHT-UP OWNED SLAVES.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> JOHN STAMOS, MORE LIKE JOHNFAM-OS FOR BEING IN A YOGURT

COMMERCIAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAX.

PAUL WALKER? MORE LIKE WE MISSYOU EVERY DAY, BUD, I THINK OF

YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOU BUILT AFRANCHISE THAT WILL LAST

FOREVER. BIG UPS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY HELLER.

>> HEY, JOHNNY DEPP. YOU WERE INMORDECAI.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> RYAN GOSLING, MORE LIKE RYANGROSSDINK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK, MORE LIKECHRIS FLACCID WICK.

>> CHRIS: YEP, MM-HMM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

POINTS. MAX.

>> ZACH EFRON, MORE LIKE NORAHEPHRON.

>> Chris: POINTS -- WHOA!

EMILY.

>> ADAM LEVINE, MORE LIKE A DAMNLATRINE.

>> CHRIS: NICE, OINTS.

MAX.

>> PAUL GIAMATTI.

MORE LIKE PAUL HE-A-HOTTIE.

YOU CAN'T BURN THAT GUY.

HE'S UNBURNABLE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY GENDER'S GAME,GENDER'S GAME.

NOW, AS MANY BRILLIANT STAND-UPCOMEDIANS HAVE OBSERVED BEFORE

US, MEN AND WOMEN, IT TURNS OUT,ARE DIFFERENT.

A LOT OF COMPANIES ARE ON BOARDWITH THAT HIGHLY ORIGINAL

PREMISE MAKING SEPARATE PRODUCTSIF MEN AND WOMEN, WHETHER OR NOT

THEY NEED TO.

THERE IS AN ENTIRE TUMBLRDEDICATED TO THIS UNNECESSARY

GENDERED PRODUCT LINE.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU AN UNNECESSARILY GENDERED

PRODUCT AND FOR 250 POINTS,I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITH ITS

SLOGAN.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE -- THESESUPER MASCULINE TISSUES.

MAN SIZE.

MAX.

>> LET'S NOT EVEN PRETEND THESEARE FOR BLOWING YOUR NOSE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

EUGENE.

>> FOR WHEN YOUR DICK NEEDS ADISGUISE AT THE SUPERMARKET.

>> IT'S A GHOST!

>> I WOULD BUY IT IF IT SAIDTHAT.

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES AGOOD SLOGAN.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THIS NARROWMINDED NARROW PHOTOGRAPHED PINK

LADY HAMMER.

EUGENE.

>> FOR WHEN YOU NEED TO BUILD AGLASS CEILING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

NEXT, I KNOW THIS IS SOMETHINGTHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE REALLY

CRAVE FOR THEIR OWN GENDER.

WONDERFUL HIS AND HERSLAXATIVES.

WHEN YOU NEED TO ( BLEEP ) LIKEA LADY.

( LAUGHTER )

EMILY.

>> FINALLY, BUTT STUFF YOU'REBOTH ON BOARD FOR.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NEXT ONE.

THESE OBVIOUSLYTESTOSTERONE-LOADED DRYER

SHEETS.

BOUNCE FOR MEN!

OH, FOR MEN AND THOSE WHO SMELLTHEM.

MAX.

>> BECAUSE CLOTHES ARE LIKEGIRLFRIENDS-- THEY SHOULD NEVER

BE CLINGY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> SO YOUR UNDERWEAR IS AS SOFTAS GRILLED ONIONS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> I'M PICTURING IT.

( LAUGHTER )

FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO SMELL LIKEAN ATHLETE BECAUSE YOU DON'T

LOOK LIKE ONE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

LAST ONE, THESE CANDLES INMANLY-MAN SCENTS LIKE BEER AND

BACON.

MAX.

>> NEW SCENTS INCLUDE RECEDINGHAIRLINE, FEAR OF COMMITMENT,

AND 80% OF THE SENATE.

>> CHRIS: POANTS.

( APPLAUSE )

OH, THAT IS NOT A GOOD SELL.

>> NOT GOOD AT ALL.>> Chris: MIRMAN.

>> LIKE A BACON CANDLE, GET INTHE BATH TUB, AND DROP IN A

TOASTER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> THAT ONE'S MAN TOWN. WHAT'SMAN TOWN.

THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE WHATSTRAIGHT MEN FANTASIZE ABOUT.

I JUST WENT THROUGH THE TOWNWITH ONLY MEN.

>> Chris: GOING TO MAN TOWN.>> NO CHICKS.

>> THEY ACTUALLY MEAN THE WORDPOPCORN.

>> Chris: I THINK THEY MIGHTMEAN POPCORN.

THEY'RE USING THE WRONG WORD.

>> CHRIS: MAYBE THEY THINK YOUCAN ONLY HAVE POPCORN AT A

MOVIE.

>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE VERYEXCITED WHEN THEY FIND OUT ABOUT

REGULAR POPCORN.

( LAUGHTER ).

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BIRDS SAY THE DARDEST (BLEEP).

IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT YOUTUBS HAS TAUGHT US ABOUT PET

BIRDS, IT'S THAT THEY'RE VERYFAST LEARNERS AND YOU HAVE TO BE

INSANE TO HAVE ONE.

PARROTS ARE BASICALLY THEORIGINAL SIRI, EXCEPT GIVEN THE

OPPORUNITY, SIRI WOULDN'T PECKYOUR FACE OFF AND SQUACK

"REVENGE!"

( LAUGHTER )

WE FORCE THEM TO STAY IN A CAGEAND GET ON OURSHOULDERS AND

REPEAT ( BLEEP ) WE SAY OVER ANDOVER AGAIN.

YOU WOULD WANT TO MURDER A( BLEEP ) IF THEY MADE YOU DO

THAT.

>> THAT'S WHY MOST PEOPLE HAVEKIDS.

>> Chris: I MEAN, IT LETS YOUHAVE TINY PRISONERS IN YOUR

HOUSE.

>> THAT SIT ON YOUR SHOULDER ANDREPEAT THINGS, UNTIL THEY BECOME

PRESIDENT.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS, I'M GOINGLIST OFF TWO BUT TERRIFYING PET

BIRD TALENTS AND FOR 250 POINTS,I WANT YOU TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS

REAL.

DOES THIS BIRD KNOW HOW TO SAYW.T.F. OR S.H.D.H.?

MAX.

>> THAT LOOKS LIKE AN S.M.D.H.BIRD.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP )?

WHAT THE THE ( BLEEP )?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: THAT BIRD IS VERYFRUSTRATED.

>> IS THAT MARON'S BIRD?

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FORIDENTIFYING THAT COULD IN FACT

BE MARC MARON'S BIRD.

DOES THIS BIRD SWAY WITH BOYZ IIMEN OR HEAD BANG TO THE

BACKSTREET BOYS.

EMILY.

>> HANG TO THE BACKSTREET BOYS.

>> Chris: I MEAN, WHY WOULDN'TYOU.

(BACKSTREET BOYS PLAYS)

>> CHRIS: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS BIRD'S GOING TO MAN TOWN.

( LAUGHTER )

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET ITTHERE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: NEXT ONE--

DOES THIS BIRD IS SING ANACAPELLA COVER OF "LET THE

BODIES HIT THE FLOOR," OR DO AJAZZ SCAT RENDITION OF

"DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK."

EUGENE.

>> "DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK."

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR,LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

>> Chris: I KINDA LIKE ITBETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL.

>> I ACTUALLY WORK OUT THAT TOYOUTUBE VIDEO.

>> YOU WORK OUT TO THIS YOUTUBE?

>> YEAH, IT REALLY PUMPS ME UP.

AS WE JUMP TO

OUR NEXT GAME POOP BUS.

THERE'S A NEW BUS ON THESTREET IN BRISTOL, ENGLAND.

AND IT'S CAUSING QUITE THE STINKBECAUSE IT'S POWERED BY HUMAN

FECES.

HERE IT IS.

RIGHT THERE.

OFFICIALS SAY THE-- BUT IF THATCOULD SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT,

YOU'RE STILL AGAINST IT?

( BLEEP ) THE ENVIRONMENT.

THEY DON'T UPON A ( BLEEP ) BUTBUS.

I I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THE OFFICIALS SAY THE BIOBUS ISMORE OFFICIAL AND

ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE THAN THEOLD NON-POO-BURNING MODEL AND

AND WILL EMIT NO ODERS.

IT'S NOT GOING TO FART.

UNLIKE EVERY OTHER BUSEVERYWHERE.

THE PASSENGERS, HOWEVER, WILLPROBABLY SMELL THE SAME.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOME OF THESTOPS ON THIS BROWN LINE?

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

EMILY.

>> ANYWHERE TRAFFIC GOTTEN REALBACKED UP.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

MAX.

>> THIS STOMACH STAPLE CENTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> 30 POOP STREET.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> CONGRESS.

>> Chris: YEAH!

>> I WENT THERE.

>> CHRIS: TAKE THAT, GOVERNMENT!

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

MAX.

>> BROWNTON ABBI.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> 40 POOP STREET.

>> CHRIS: IRONICALLY, A WHOLEDIFFERENT NEIGHBORHOOD.

EMILY.

>> A CHARMIN LITTLENEIGHBORHOOD.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> 1 POOP PLAZA.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: I CAN JUST LISTEN TOYOU DO THAT ALL DAY.

POINTS.

>> YOU MIGHT HAVE THE CHANCE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Chris: EMILY.

>> THE BROWNTOWN FARTS STRICT.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

EUGENE.

>> MIAMI.