Clethan, Brown, Ladman

  • Season 1, Ep 0105
  • 05/23/1994

Thank you very much.

No, I'm not TracyChapman's brother,

but I do play him on TV.

Had a great week.

I went to my first nude beach.

Big mistake.

Women go to nude beaches.

Men can't, 'cause coldwater does things to a man.

And you don't look as coolcoming out of the water

as you did going in.

You got to wait for high tide,and hope it reaches a car.

Now, you got peoplelooking at you.

"That's the strangesteight-year-old I've ever seen."

I had a hitchhikerthrow a rock at my car

'cause I wouldn't pick him up.

I don't pick up hitchhikers.

I like to give them alittle exercise, though.

Like to pull over and letthem run up to the car,

pull off again.

I did that to oneguy about six times.

When I was done, he waswhere he needed to go.

Then he gets mad whenI want $5 for gas.

That's people for you.

I like this job.

I do better at this.

The hours are great.

9:00 to 5:00 jobsdon't do it for me.

I had a 9:00 to 5:00 job.

I couldn't stand it.

Friend of mine said, Al, if yougo to work, you smile all day,

you'll bring that positiveenergy back around you, right?

I go there.

I'm smiling all day.

They make me take a urine test.

You've got to work.

People don't wantto work anymore.

I went to thisrestaurant, right?

I had to seat myself,had to get my own food.

When I was done eating, Ihad to bus my own dishes.

I'm paying for my food tohave a little Styrofoam

cup at the cash register,"tips appreciated."

So I took it.

I worked hard.

You got to work hard.

A friend of mine-- youknow what happened?

He just died.

He was 84 years old.

Died broke.

At the funeral, everybodysaid, "Oh, what a shame.

He died penniless."

I don't know.

To me, that soundslike perfect timing

and a helluva budget, man.

I used to work inOakland-- Oakland,

California-- on the loadingdocks, which is fun work,

'cause you meetinteresting people.

There are, like,these old guys, been

working there for,like, 30 years.

They don't have to work,'cause they're in the union.

So you do their work whilethey tell you stories.

One day, I was at work.

I was real depressed.

I was walking with my head down.

This old man looked atme, said, "You know, Al?

I used to walk with my headdown like that all the time,

and all I saw wasdirt and garbage.

One day, I held my headup, and I saw things.

I saw the sky, thebirds, the sun.

Then I fell off that damn dock."

I saw a skinhead whenI was at the beach.

You ever see these guys?

These guys don'tmake sense at all.

You know what hewas talking about?

Talking about the Japanese--he was on a soapbox yelling

about the Japanese--said they're pissed off

at the Japanese, 'cause theJapanese are buying up America.

Do you know what?

Someone who's a NavajoIndian going, "Well,

at least they're paying for it."

What is wrong with people?

I mean, they make up namesfor these hate groups now,

like, for the diseases.

Like homophobia--they hate gay people.

I mean, me, I don'tcare what people do.

I was shopping the other day.I go into the store.

The salesperson was gay.

Big deal.

Didn't bother me.

I got a little nervous whenhe took my inseam measurement.

But I went ahead andbought the toaster anyways.

You know, who am I to judge?

That starts young, though.

It started for mein Catholic school.

Yeah, I went to Catholic--actually, my dad was Catholic

and my mom was Baptist, whichwas great, 'cause at church,

we got bread and chicken.

"Yeah, I'll have theholy combo plate please."

I remember I was inthe cafeteria one day,

and this kid-- I wasin the fifth grade,

and this kid looks atme and goes, "Spic."

And I cried.

And I told the teacher,and she punished him.

She made him write "nigger"50 times on the blackboard.

Good old education, huh?

I hate that word.

You know what though?

I was in Texas.I was doing this show.

This guy came up to me afterthe show and goes, "Hey,

how come black people can calleach other 'nigger,' but white

people can't?" "Uh, pretty muchthe same reason you can call

your wife 'the bootymonster' and I can't."

My grandfather taught me,people are all the same.

He said, "Black, white--it makes no difference.

You pull the skinoff of everybody,

you couldn't tell them apart.

Their screams willbe different."

Think he had a point there.

Everything's changing.

The world is changing so much.

Look at sex.

Sex is so weird now.

Remember the old days whenall you needed for safe sex

was a padded headboard?

You know what I don'tunderstand, though?

I mean, it's like weird.

Every city I go-- I travelall over to country.

Every city I go into, they havea Martin Luther King Boulevard

dedicated to Martin Luther King.

But it's only inblack neighborhoods.

Now is that 'cause MartinLuther King was a great guy?

Or just so whitepeople know where

to get off thefreeway for good ribs?

Just a thought.

Just a thought.

Thank you very much.

Calm down.

Mr. Excitement's here.

Woo!

The women are alreadysensing my power.

They want me.

I know what you're thinking.

"I don't care if he's funny.

I want the body."

Nah?

Huh?

Hey, you don't get abody like this overnight.

Takes years of neglect.

Work out, I swim.

"What's he look like in ablack speedo," you gasp?

French cut, high in thehips, drives the chicks nuts.

When I walk, I got thenaturally thrusting

hips because I'm built for sex.

Well, young crowd tonight.

That kind of bums me out, gee.

Mid-30s now, whichis really depressing.

I guess I feel alittle more mature.

Like, I'm not embarrassedto go in a drugstore

anymore and buy a condom.

Well, the women in thecounter said, "Save your money

and buy a lottery ticket."

I come from kind ofa strange family.

I don't think I'mbreaking the pinata there.

Had an older sister,then they had me,

and Dad said to Mom,"Let's get a hobby."

This isn't working.

Lots of traditionsin our family,

like not testifying againsteach other in court.

It's a big tradition.

Dad always wouldgive me little talks.

You know, when I was14, he sat me down.

He said, "Larry, somedayyou're going to meet a girl.

It's gonna be so right andso wonderful and so perfect

that you're not evengonna haggle over price."

Well, I have kind ofa sick sense of humor,

but I hope you likethat kind of stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good though.It's been a great day.

Haven't passed any blood.

Actually, I like observationalhumor-- normal everyday things

we all can relateto, like don't you

hate it when you panicand kill a hooker?

Major faux pas.

Well, it's good to be in town.

Get to visit my brother.

We go way back.

We used to do communitywork with children.

It was his job to lurethem into the van.

Go back there every yearfor the polyester harvest.

Now I live in San Francisco,kind of a strange town.

San Francisco womenare kind of annoying.

They're always whining,"All the men in this town

are gay or look like you."

Women.

I'm just in oneof those droughts.

Right now, I couldn't getlaid in a woman's prison

with a fistful of pardons.

Bitter.

Oh, a tad.

Drove down here.

I do have a car.Can you tell us about it?

Sure.

Got a, uh-- got a red Trans-Am.

I know you'relooking at me, assume

I got a '63 Dartstuck in reverse.

[imitates engine]

Getting too old for this car.

But I live in a highcrime part of town.

You know, you owna car, you worry

about your stereogetting ripped off.

I got the foolproofburglar system in my car.

I installed an eight-track.

I mentioned getting older.

You start to makelittle observations

about life and womenas you get older.

Real simple things, like ifyou don't get laid a lot when

you're young, you don't getlaid a lot when you're old.

Anyone else finding this out?

I just assumed there'd bea big ninth-inning rally.

Wild women would bejumping in the windows,

screaming, "Mountme, you stud comic."

Nice fantasy.

The kind of womenI hang out with.

Most romantic thing a womanasked me in bed-- "You sure

you're not a cop?"

Maybe I am getting older.

But I can do some thingsnow I couldn't do when I was

17, like date high school girls.

A lot of people think youneed drugs to store on a date.

I've always foundchloroform and ether.

Pretty-- pretty darn effective.

Settle down.

I should be getting out of here.

No, don't try to stop me.

But, uh-- kind of a rough week.

I'm kind of a hypochondriac.

I go to the doctor everysix weeks for a physical.

They find out you're a comic,they try to joke with you.

Yesterday, he calledwith the results.

He says, "There's badnews and worse news.

Your sperm count is one."

I said, "What's the worstnews?" "It's this big

and it wants out now."

You guys were a lot of fun.

It's nice.

I'm real happy for you.

And not married.

Guess how old I am.

Go ahead, guess.

[scattered guesses]

It's not an auction, thanks.

I'm 34.

I'm 34.

I'm not married.

I give up.

Really.

I was just at mycousin's wedding.

I caught the bouquet.

I just to it homeand re-parted it.

34's not reallyold, though, is it?

ANNOUNCER: No.

-No, I know it's not.

Intellectually, I know it's not.

But emotionally, I'm startingto feel and think and say

these old people things,like "You call that music?

What are they saying?

I don't understand those words.

What is that?

A guy or girl?

Get a haircut."

Everybody's getting old.

My dad's getting old.

He's 71.

I can't believe it.

He's still very handsome, buthis eyebrows are going crazy.

What is it with guysand their eyebrows?

Oh, he looks likea mad scientist.

Yeah, he goes to sleep.

He wakes up. "Ooh, Dad, ooh,did you take a nap or did you

invent something?"

Oh god, my fatherdrives so slowly.

You know, when deers wee myfather's car approaching,

they linger.

Once a cop stopped my father.

He said, "Sir, you knowhow fast you were going?

Three miles an hour.""I'm sorry, officer.

I guess I was a little anxious."

To do what?

Simulate time lapse photography?

recently for a family reunion.

Ugh.

I hate those things.You know, I walk in there.

I look at everyone.

I think, ugh, I'mgetting my tubes tied.

That's it.

The tree ends here.

It was my cousin's wedding.

Now, I'm not married,but I think a wedding is

like the most important dayin a person's life, right?

So she hires the worst bandin the Western Hemisphere.

I mean, there are centuries andcenturies of beautiful music.

These guys have toplay the hokey pokey.

Oh, my god.

It's the hokey pokey.

Do you know this song?

(SINGING) You putyour right foot in.

You put your right foot out.

(SPOKEN) Gee, whata haunting melody.

(SINGING) You putyour right food in,

and you shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey andyou turn yourself around.

That's what it's all about.

Ugh.

I mean, can youimagine if that's

what it was really all about?

I mean, you workhard your whole life.

You die.

You go to heaven.

you check in.

"You mean it was just thehokey pokey the whole time?

All I had to do was this?

I'm could have called in sick."

So then my sisterhad a little boy.

I had to go to my nephew's bris.

Oh, if you don'tknow what a bris is,

I'll explain it to you.

It's really charming.

It's when a littleboy gets circumcised.

And all the friends andthe relatives get together.

What a festive event.

I mean, I think this israther inappropriate.

Really, I wouldn't inviteyou all to my internal exam

and serve bagels andegg salad afterwards.

Your happy Pap smear.

Here, have some nachos.

I passed my test.

Oh, that's sick.

But see, Jews willdo anything to eat.

Really.

Our entire lives, we'rein search of a buffet.

It's in the Bible.

That's why we werein the desert for 40

years looking forchafing dishes.

"Oh, look.

There's a golden calf.

Let's eat it."

You know, my bestfriend is Lutheran.

And she was telling methat when Jesus was born,

the Three Wise Mencame to visit him.

And they bought as giftsgold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Myrrh.

To a baby shower.

I guess Mary wasvery polite about it.

"Oh.

Myrrh.

How lovely.

I never can have enough myrrh.

They call themselves wisemen and they bring myrrh?

Couldn't they bring somethingwe need, like a cradle?

Jesus Christ.

That's what I'll name him.

I want to rememberthis cheap gift."

And then Joseph and Mary wouldhave parties. "Who's coming?"

"The Wise Mens.""Ack, the Wise Mens.

I hate the Wise Mens.

Always bring bad gifts.

Hope they followed thewrong star and get lost.

Bad mood?Bad mood?

Sure I'm in a bad mood.

I haven't had sex ever."

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