I'm real happy for you.
And not married.
Guess how old I am.
Go ahead, guess.
It's not an auction, thanks.
I'm not married.
I give up.
I was just at mycousin's wedding.
I caught the bouquet.
I just to it homeand re-parted it.
34's not reallyold, though, is it?
-No, I know it's not.
Intellectually, I know it's not.
But emotionally, I'm startingto feel and think and say
these old people things,like "You call that music?
What are they saying?
I don't understand those words.
What is that?
A guy or girl?
Get a haircut."
Everybody's getting old.
My dad's getting old.
I can't believe it.
He's still very handsome, buthis eyebrows are going crazy.
What is it with guysand their eyebrows?
Oh, he looks likea mad scientist.
Yeah, he goes to sleep.
He wakes up. "Ooh, Dad, ooh,did you take a nap or did you
Oh god, my fatherdrives so slowly.
You know, when deers wee myfather's car approaching,
Once a cop stopped my father.
He said, "Sir, you knowhow fast you were going?
Three miles an hour.""I'm sorry, officer.
I guess I was a little anxious."
To do what?
Simulate time lapse photography?
recently for a family reunion.
I hate those things.You know, I walk in there.
I look at everyone.
I think, ugh, I'mgetting my tubes tied.
The tree ends here.
It was my cousin's wedding.
Now, I'm not married,but I think a wedding is
like the most important dayin a person's life, right?
So she hires the worst bandin the Western Hemisphere.
I mean, there are centuries andcenturies of beautiful music.
These guys have toplay the hokey pokey.
Oh, my god.
It's the hokey pokey.
Do you know this song?
(SINGING) You putyour right foot in.
You put your right foot out.
(SPOKEN) Gee, whata haunting melody.
(SINGING) You putyour right food in,
and you shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey andyou turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about.
I mean, can youimagine if that's
what it was really all about?
I mean, you workhard your whole life.
You go to heaven.
you check in.
"You mean it was just thehokey pokey the whole time?
All I had to do was this?
I'm could have called in sick."
So then my sisterhad a little boy.
I had to go to my nephew's bris.
Oh, if you don'tknow what a bris is,
I'll explain it to you.
It's really charming.
It's when a littleboy gets circumcised.
And all the friends andthe relatives get together.
What a festive event.
I mean, I think this israther inappropriate.
Really, I wouldn't inviteyou all to my internal exam
and serve bagels andegg salad afterwards.
Your happy Pap smear.
Here, have some nachos.
I passed my test.
Oh, that's sick.
But see, Jews willdo anything to eat.
Our entire lives, we'rein search of a buffet.
It's in the Bible.
That's why we werein the desert for 40
years looking forchafing dishes.
There's a golden calf.
Let's eat it."
You know, my bestfriend is Lutheran.
And she was telling methat when Jesus was born,
the Three Wise Mencame to visit him.
And they bought as giftsgold, frankincense, and myrrh.
To a baby shower.
I guess Mary wasvery polite about it.
I never can have enough myrrh.
They call themselves wisemen and they bring myrrh?
Couldn't they bring somethingwe need, like a cradle?
That's what I'll name him.
I want to rememberthis cheap gift."
And then Joseph and Mary wouldhave parties. "Who's coming?"
"The Wise Mens.""Ack, the Wise Mens.
I hate the Wise Mens.
Always bring bad gifts.
Hope they followed thewrong star and get lost.
Bad mood?Bad mood?
Sure I'm in a bad mood.
I haven't had sex ever."