Tuesday, October 7, 2014

  • 10/07/2014

Maria Bamford, James Adomian and Eddie Pepitone come up with titles for a new "Harry Potter" sequel, list #SpookyBroadway plays and respond to aggressive Tinder users.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SUDNAY J.K. ROWLING TWEETED SHEWAS WORKING ON A NOVEL, CAUSING

A MUGGLE (BLEEP)STORM ONTWITTER.

ACCIO (BLEEP)STORM.

AND YESTERDAY SHE FOLLOWED UP,WITH CRY FOE, RUN AMOK, FA AWRY.

MY WAND WON'T TOLERATE THISNONSENSE.

NOW, THAT READS VERYMASTURBATORY, BUT FANS ACTUALLY

HEARD WAS, HARRY POTTER IS BACK.

I AM WRITING MORE HARRY POTTERBOOKS! GIVE UP THE GALLEONS!

THIS WAS FURTHER FUELED WHENA REDDITOR DECODED THE TWEET

CLAIMING IT WAS AN ANAGRAM FORHARRY RETURNS, WON'T SAY ANY

DETAILS NOW A WEEK OFF.

NO COMMENT. (GASP)

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE IF JKROWLING DID BRING HARRY BACK, WE

FOUND SOME IDEAS ON VINE. WHICHGOT THE MOST LOOPS.

A, THIS REIMAGINING WITH ABAD 'TUDE!

>> VOLDEMORT, I DON'T GIVE A(BLEEP) IF YOU KILLED MY

PARENTS. SUCK MY (BLEEP).

>> Chris: B, THIS HARRY, WHO'SCLEARLY NTO WATER SPORTS?

>> ...GOD DAMNIT.

>> Chris: OR THIS BOY WHO LIVEDTO SING!

>> MY MAGIC BRING VOLDEMORT TOTHE YARD, AND I'M LIKE, THAT'S

HURTING MY SCAR.

>> Chris: BAMFORD.

>> C!

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, INFACT, C.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS WHEN WELAST SAW HARRY, HE HAD DEFEATED

VOLDEMORT AND WAS MARRIED TOGINNY WEASLEY.

WHAT WOULD BE THE TITLE FOR JKROWLING'S NEXT HARRY POTTER

BOOK, JAMES ADOMIAN.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THEOUTSTANDING HOGWARTS STUDENT

LOANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CAN YOU MIGHT BE GETTING THOSE(BLEEP) OVERDUE OWLS EVERY GOD

DAMN DAY.

(OWL NOISES) P LEASE! HOW DID THEY FIND ME? I KEEP MOVING!

EDDIE.

HAPPY POTTER AND THE RESULTSOF THE WHISPERING COLONOSCOPY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE INTERNET HAS A RICH ANDSTORIED TRADITION OF FAMOUS

CATS, FROM MARU TO GRUMPY CAT.

WELL, I'M SAD TO REPORT THATTHEIR TIME IN THE SPOTLIGHT HAS

DRAWN TO A MEOWY CLOSE!

THE INTERNET HAS A NEW FUZZYWITTLE SNUGGLE PUS.

I GIVE YOU NO -- WAIT YOU HAVETO MAKE ROOM IN YOUR HEART FOR A

NEW (BLEEP)ING CAT.

>> AH, GREAT.

>> Chris: I GIVE YOU GARFI, AKAANGRY CAT!

>> OH, HE IS SO CUTE.

>> Chris: NO, HE IS ANGRY.

>> HE IS SO CUTE!

>> Chris: HE'S ANGRY.

ACTUALLY, PEPITONE. I THINK THISIS THE SOUL OF YOU.

>> MAYBE THAT'S WHY I BLURTEDTHAT OUT.

>> Chris: WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING GARFI PICS HAS THE

MOST VIEWS ON HIS FLICKR PAGE.

A, GARFI CELEBRATING EASTER.

WHY ARE WE OBSESSED WITH THIS(BLEEP), INTERNET!

THERE'S REAL THINGS HAPPENING INTHE WORLD!

>> THEY EYES, BIG EYES COMPFORTUS, AS A NATION.

>> Chris: IS THAT WHAT IT IS?

B, GARFI POST BATH.

OH HE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

AH.

>> THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

>> Chris: C, SPIRIT OF CHRISTMASGARFI.

>> AWW.

>> OH, THAT IS TENDER.

>> Chris: WHICH ONE OF THOSEGOT THE MOST VIEWS. BAMFORD.

>> C.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISB!

>> OF COURSE IT'S B!

>> Chris: FOR FURTHER BONUSPPOINTS, WHY IS THIS ADORABLE

CAT SO CANTANKEROUS, MARIABAMFORD.

>> BECAUSE IF YOU ARE NOT ASANGRY AS ANGRY CAT, FRANKLY YOU

ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PEPITONE.

>> IT KNOWS IT WILL BE DRUGGEDUP FOR MORNING SHOWS AND MEET

AND GREETS UNTIL IT GETS PUT TOSLEEP, AND IT WON'T SEE A

(BLEEP)ING DIME!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> IT'S OCTOBER, MY FAVORITETIME OF YEAR, IT MEANS EVERYONE

IS GETTING IN A SCARY MOOD. WEWILL BE BRINGING YOU SOME HORROR

THEMED HASHTAGS ALL MONTH SOLET'S START WITH TONIGHT'S

#SPOOKYBROADWAY,#SPOOKYBROADWAY.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE, PROWLER ONTHE ROOF.

OR CASEY ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRA.

OR SLENDERMAN OF LA MANCHA.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW AND GOOOO.

EDDIE.

>> HELLO DOLLY, STORY I HAD TOBURY YOU ALIVE SO NICE TO HAVE

YOU BACK WHERE YOU BELONG.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ADOMIAN.

>> UNDEATH OF A SALESMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS! BAMFORD.

>> I AM AFRAID OF VIRGINIAWOOLF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EDDIE.

>> TONY AND TINA'S FUNERAL.

>> Chris: POINTS, YEP. BAMFORD.

>> THE SOUND OF MUSIC AND IT'SCOMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ADOMIAN.

>> SOMEWHERE UNDER THECRAWLSPACE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

GOOD PERFORMANCE.

BAMFORD.

>> OKLAHOMA, POLITICALLYSPEAKING.

>> OH!

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS,POINTS.

EDDIE.

>> CAROUS-HELL.

IT'S QUICK, IT'S QUICK.

>> Chris: YEAH, I GOT IT.POINTS. FINE. YOU GOT IT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY TINDERLOVING CARE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THERE ARE LOTS OFDECENT, HONEST GUYS ON TINDER

LOOKING FOR LOVE, AND THENTHERE'S SEX-CRAZED CREEPERS WITH

GELLED HAIR AND MORE COLOGNETHAN A RUSSIAN CAN CONSULATE.

WE FOUND A TON OF TINDERMESSAGES FROM THESE GUYS

SCREENCAPPED ON TUMBLR.

HERE TO HELP US THE READ SOME OFTHESE MESSAGES IS THE STAR OF

DEAD SNOW 2: RED VS. DEAD, INTHEATERS AND ON VIDEO ON DEMAND

OCTOBER 10TH -- ALSO FROMSILICON VALLEY -- MARTIN STARR!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MARTIN STARR, WELCOME.

WELCOME, MARTIN STARR.

I ENJOY YOU BEARD, I ENJOY YOURBEARD.

>> THANK YOU, I ENJOY IT, TOO.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS.

WE ARE GOING TO READ YOU A REALEXAMPLE OF AN EXCHANGE

FEATURING A GUY GOING FROM ZEROTO 100 ON TINDER AND YOUR JOB IS

TO RESPOND AS THE OTHER PERSON.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, MARTIN IS ANACCOMPLISHED ACTOR.

I WILL BE THE PART OF THE TINDEEAND HE IS THE SURPRISINGLY

AGGRESSIVE TINDERRER.

AND WE'LL ACT OUT THESE SCENES,WHICH YOU WILL RESPOND TO.

>> MOST OF THESE ARE FA MYTINDER ACCOUNT.

>> Chris: I HOPE THAT IS NOTTRUE.

LET'S BEGIN.

FIRST ONE. FIRST ONE.

>> HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

>> Chris: I AM GREAT. YOU.

>> I AM EXHAUSTED, PERSONALLY.

JUST HAD TO GET RID OF EVERYSINGLE CHAIR IN MY HOUSE.

>> WHY?

>> SO THAT WHEN YOU COME OVERYOU'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SIT

ON MY FACE.

BAMFORD.

>> THAT SOUNDS PERFECT.

>> Chris: POINTS. THAT WAS AGOOD RESPONSE.

>> A TAKER. WE HAVE A TAKER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY.WE HAVE A MATCH.

IT WORKS.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

THIS MUSIC LOVER.

LET'S BEGIN.

>> DO YOU LIKES TAPES AND CDS?

>> Chris: YEAH.

>> GOOD.

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO TAPE MYDICK TO YOUR FOREHEAD SO THAT

YOU CAN CDS NUTS.

>> Chris: OH. WELL.

AND SCENE. JAMES.

>> WELL, SEE, I MADE THEM VINYLSO I WILL NEED AT LEAST A

SEVEN-INCH.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

>> IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.

>> Chris: BAMFORD.

>> THAT IS AMAZING.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE. NEXT ONE.

JASON GIVES THE GIRL ADIFFICULT CHOICE.

BEGIN.

>> HEY THERE.

>>Chris: HELLO.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

AH, (BLEEP) ONE, MARRY ONE, KILLONE.

ME, HILTER, AND ME AGAIN. GO.

>> Chris: SCENE. EDDIE.

>> BLOW GOEBBELS, HANDJOB TO GORING, KILL YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS! OH THERE'SMORE!

>> I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SAYTHAT FOR A LONG TIME.

AND FINALLY I GET THE VENUE.

>> Chris: WE WERE ABLE TOUNLOCK THAT PART OF YOUR SOUL,

AND YOU GET POINTS FOR IT.

BAMFORD.

>> (BLEEP), MARRY OR KILL.IT'S ALL PART OF INTIMACY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

A LOT OF THE ANSWERS YOU'REGIVING, THE OTHER GUYS WOULD BE

LIKE, I'M GOOD.

>> YEAH, SHE'S SCARING THEM OFF!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, THIS SCIENTIST ANDBEGIN.

>> ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE AN ANARCHAEOLOGISTS?

BECAUSE I HAVE A REALLY AVERAGESIZED BONE I'D LIKE YOU TO

INSPECT.

>> Chris: SCENE.

ADOMIAN.

>> IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM.

>> Chris: POINTS. THANK YOU.THANK YOU, DR. JONES.

LAST ONE.

ONE MORE, ONE MORE.

THIS FOODIE. AND BEGIN.

HEY THERE.

>> HEY.

I WANT TO SMEAR YOU IN GREENPAINT AND SPANK YOU LIKE A

DISOBEDIANT AVOCADO.

>> I'VE BEEN A VERY BAD AVOCADO,EDDIE, YES.

>> DEAL.

BUT LET'S MAKE IT A SHOCK COLLARAND A RUDABAGA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES.

>> OH, YOU MEAN COCK-AMOLE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

>> ONE OF MY FAVORITE DISHES. IMAKE IT MYELF AT THE TABLE.

>> Chris: BAMFORD.

>> AVOCADO COSTS A DOLLAR EXTRA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

EXCELLENT! THAT BRINGS US TOTHE END OF TINDER LOVING CARE,

PLEASE GIVE IT UP TO THEWONDERFUL MARTIN STARR!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MARTINSTARR!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS VIDEO OF A HORRIFYING

INSTRUMENT CALLED A WATERPHONETHAT IS USED TO SCORE HORROR

MOVIES. I ASKED YOU TO GIVE MEA LINE FROM THE EVITE FOR THE

UPCOMING WATERPHONE RECITABLERECITAL.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

JAMES ADOMIAN, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> PLEASE REPLY YES, NO OR WHODARES DISTURB THE SLUMBER OF

ZUUL.

>> Chris: NICE. ZUUL.

ZUUL WAS THE MINIOR OF GOZER.

>> I SEE, THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

>> Chris: EDDIE PEPITONE.

>> BECAUSE I HAVEN'T PAID MYAT&T BILL, THIS IS ALL I HAVE!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

BAMFORD.

>> DO YOU LOVE LIVE MUSIC? WELL, LET ME KILL THAT.

ANYTHING THAT STANDS IN THE WAYOF THE PORTAL OF HELL FIRE.

HOUSE OF BLUES.

YOU GUYS, IT'D REALLY MEAN A LOTTO ME IF YOU CAME.

>> Chris: YAY. ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,DAILY GRIND. DAILY GRIND.

GODDESS.COM A HAS A DAILYAFFIRMATION GENERATOR THAT GIVES

YOU WORDS WITH TO LIVE BY, LIKETODAY I PERMIT MY LIVING

GOODNESS, OR TODAY I ENHANCE MYDIVINE BEING.

BUT THAT SOUNDS CONFUSING ANDHARD.

SO COMEDIANS I WANT YOU TO COMEUP WITH SOME MORE DOABLE DAILY

AFFIRMATIONS. 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, PEPITONE.

>> I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAYTO YOU FEAR, YOU WIN!

>> Chris: POINTS.

BAMFORD.

>> I AM A STRONG JACKASS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PEPITONE.

>> ALWAYS TAKE ANOTHER MAN'SBURDEN, UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS

THAT EVENING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> I AM BRILLIANT, I AMBEAUTIFUL, AND I AM ON 750

MILIGRAMS OF DEPECO.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.ADOMIAN.

>> I WILL LIMIT MYSELF TO ONECIGARETTE IN THE MORNING, ONE

AFTER LUNCH AND 18 MORECIGARETTES.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

BAMFORD.

>> I AM KIND AND LOVING ANDGETTING EVERYTHING THAT I WANT

AT ALL COSTS.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

PEPITONE.

>> THE I HAVE ONE RULE, AND ONERULE ONLY, AND THAT RULE I HAVE

FORGOTTEN.

>> Chris: POINTS. JAMES.

>> TODAY IS THE DAY I SWITCH TOTOP SHELF TEQUILA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PEPITONE.

>> REPEAT THIS MANTRA BEFORESURGERY.

I AM (BLEEP)ED.