Comedy Central Presents
Season 5

CC Presents: Todd Glass

  • Season 5, Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001

YOU KNOW, THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

ACTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN A LOT OF THOSE

COMEDIANS THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

ACTS?

I HAVE THINGS TO DO DURING

THE DAY SO I'M NOT GOING TO LIE

TO YOU.

I HAVE A LITTLE, UH, YOU KNOW,

UH, I AH HAVE A SOMETIMES YOU

GOTTA ENJOY LIFE.

YOU CAN'T SIT HOME STUDYING

ALL DAY, YA KNOW.

SO HERE'S WHAT I LIKE TO DO,

I LIKE TO START OUT BY KISSING

A LOT OF THE BITS GOODBYE THAT

I DID IN THE 80s AND 90s,

AND IT'S 2001 NOW ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS AND, UH,

HERE WE GO.

LET'S START OUT BY DOING THIS.

HERE WE GO.

AH, WHEW, HERE WE GO.

YOU READY?

BY THE WAY MY AGENT'S NAME IS

T.J. AND UH HE'S BOOKING ME

FOR COLLEGE SHOWS.

ALRIGHTY.

HE BEGGED ME TO MENTION HIS

NAME.

JESUS.

UH, MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM

WOMEN.

I'M GONNA KISS THESE BITS

GOODBYE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN,

WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

MEN GO: HO, HO, HO.

WOMEN GO: HEE, HEE, HEE.

DOGS ARE COOL, CATS SUCK.

PEOPLE IN L.A. ARE MEAN.

PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE MEAN.

BLACK PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

WHITE PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

KANGAROOS WALK LIKE THIS.

AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DOUCHE

COMMERCIALS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MATTRESS

TAGS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DON KING'S

HAIR?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH LITTLE

PEANUTS ON THE AIRLINES?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MC HAMMER'S

PANTS?

THE FOLLOWING, THE FOLLOWING HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING

BUT THESE PEOPLE PAID ME $50

TO MENTION THEIR NAME ON TV:

JOSH SNEED, ANDY SCARPATTI AND

JOHN BEEDERMAN.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PEZ?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO FRESCA?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

GARY COLEMAN'S STAND-IN?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE KID

THAT FELL INTO THE WELL?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TAB?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HARRY AND

THE HENDERSON'S CRAFT SERVICES

PEOPLE?

I CARE.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO VINNY

PISCATELLI, FRIEND OF MINE,

I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE 3rd GRADE?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO POLIO?

POLIO?

POLLY, POLLY-O, POLLY, PAULY

SHORE?

WELL AT LEAST OF THEM'S DEAD.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

JOE PISCAPO AND WHY DIDN'T IT

HAPPEN SOONER?

THEY'RE OPENING A STARBUCK'S

EVERYWHERE NEXT WEEK,

THEY'RE GONNA OPEN ONE UP

IN MY ASS.

OH!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

TODD>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

COME ON DIG THE HAT.

OH MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

WOW, I GUESS YOU REALLY LIKED

THAT ONE.

SOME LADY TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY

THAT I LOOK LIKE JOHN GOODMAN.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

SHE GOES, YOU LOOK LIKE

JOHN GOODMAN.

THEN SHE GOES, A THIN

JOHN GOODMAN.

LIKE THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME

FEEL BETTER?

AH, I SHOULDA SAID YOU LOOK LIKE

A PIG.

NO A THIN PIG.

NO LIKE A REALLY THIN, HOT,

SMOKIN', PIG THAT WORKS OUT.

LIKE SHE'S GONNA GO, THANK YOU.

AH IF YOU DON'T...

♪ HE'S A GENIUS

TODD>> WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.

LET ME GET A DRINK OF WATER

HERE.

LADIES VOICE>> HEY, EVERYONE,

STAY TUNED FOR MORE COMEDIC

GENIUS RIGHT AFTER TODD GLASS

GETS A DRINK OF WATER.

TODD>> ALL RIGHT FOLKS, I GOT A

LOT MORE COMEDY HERE.

I, LITTLE JINGLES AND BELLS AND

WHISTLES.

DO YOU HAVE PARKING AUTHORITY?

EVERY TOWN HAS PARKING

AUTHORITY.

THERE NOT COPS BUT THEY DRIVE

AROUND GIVING PARKING TICKETS.

NEXT TIME YOU WALK BY A CAR

THAT'S GETTING A TICKET,

ACT LIKE IT'S YOUR CAR.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO THINK TWICE

ABOUT IT.

JUST WALK OVER AND GO THAT'S

MY CAR, DON'T GIVE IT A TICKET

YOU PIECE OF (BLEEP).

OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TOW IT,

I DARE YOU TO TOW IT!

YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET IT TOWED,

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THE

POWER TO TOW MY CAR.

I HAD FORTY-FIVE CARS TOWED

YESTERDAY, IS THAT WRONG?

NO SERIOUSLY, IS IT?

WHAT AGE DO YOU HAVE TO STOP

SAYING SERIOUS?

I'M LIKE YA KNOW I MEAN LIKE FOR

REAL.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE FIFTY AND YOUR

BOSS FIRES YOU.

FOR REAL?

NO LIE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

LOOK AT MY CUE CARDS.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO, I LIKE TO

DRESS UP AS A PILOT RIGHT.

THIS IS A LOT OF FUN, I DRESS UP

AS A PILOT AND THEN WHAT I DO IS

I GO TO AN AIRPORT BAR AND GET

DRUNK.

THAT'S GOOD FUN LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

OH, YEAH, YOU JUST SIT THERE

ALL DAY.

OH, MY GOD.

I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MANY.

I REALLY DO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT I DO IT.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE

I DO?

AND THEN, ALL RIGHT, THEN I,

I PUT GAUZE ON MY CHEST AND FAKE

BLOOD AND THEN I GO INTO THE

PAWN SHOP AND I GO, HEY YOU WANT

TO BUY THIS PACEMAKER?

YEAH.

I DO IT.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I GO INTO

THE MAKE-UP STORE AND I GO DO

YOU HAVE ANY MAKE-UP?

AND THEY GO, WHAT IS IT FOR YOUR

GIRLFRIEND?

AND I GO YEAH, NO IT'S FOR YOU

DOG FACE.

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I GO TO THE DOG POUND.

I GO TO THE DOG POUND AND I GET

A DOG AND THEN I WALK IT THROUGH

THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

NO ONE KNOWS IT'S NOT MY DOG.

THEN SOMEBODY GOES, OH MY GOD

YOUR DOG IS SO CUTE.

I GO TAKE IT WHORE.

AND THEN, YEAH, AND THEN I RUN

INTO THE WOODS, ALL JOKES WITH

WHORE ARE FUNNY.

AND THEN I DRESSED UP, YEAH,

THEN I DRESSED UP LIKE A

KANGAROO, RIGHT.

AND I TAKE A DUMP ON SOMEBODY'S

LAWN AND THEN THE WIFE GOES,

OH, MY GOD, HERBIE THERE'S A

KANGAROO TAKING A DUMP ON OUR

LAWN.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

KANGAROO SUIT OFF REAL FAST AND

I THROW IT INTO THE WOODS AND

THEN THE HUSBAND GOES, WHATTYA

NUTS?

THERE'S JUST A GUY TAKING A DUMP

ON OUR LAWN.

AND THEN I GET A BLOW UP GIRL.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

BLOW UP GIRL AND I BRING HER ON

THE AIRPLANE WITH A JACKET AND A

FAKE HAIR AND THEN WHEN THE, UH,

PLANE ATTENDANT COMES OVER,

I GO EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE MY

GIRLFRIEND'S KOSHER MEAL?

SHE GOES, OH MY GOD, WE DON'T

EVEN HAVE A KOSHER MEAL.

I GO, OH GREAT, THEN I TAKE

A PIN AND I STICK IT IN MY

GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

THEN SHE GOES FLYING ALL OVER

THE WHOLE (BLEEPING) PLANE.

AND I GO GREAT JUST 'CAUSE YOU

DIDN'T HAVE HER BLINTZES,

NOW SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

AND HE, AH, HE DIDN'T BELIEVE

THAT I'D NEVER SMOKED POT.

SO ABOUT A YEAR AGO WE WENT TO

THE MALL, AND WE GOT HIGH.

UM, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I CAN DO

IT BECAUSE OF THESE PLANTS THAT

ARE HERE.

UM, SO THERE WAS A GUY, I,

THIS IS A TRUE STORY I SWEAR TO

YOU.

THERE WAS A GUY AT PIER ONE

IMPORTS PROBABLY BOUGHT A TREE--

HE BOUGHT A TREE.

AND IF YOU WEREN'T HIGH,

IT LOOKED TOTALLY NORMAL.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST BOUGHT A

TREE AND WAS CARRYING IT OUT OF

THE MALL.

NO BIG DEAL.

BUT BECAUSE I WAS HIGH,

MY BROTHER GOES, TODD, LOOK HE'S

HIDING FROM THE COPS.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER...

YOU KNOW THAT LAUGHTER, WHERE

YOU'RE LIKE, SHUT UP, I'M GONNA

(BLEEP) IN MY PANTS!

AND IT FEELS GOOD, IT FEELS GOOD

TO LAUGH THAT HARD.

I SEE YA KNOW THAT GUY OVER

THERE IN THE BLACK JACKET?

AND MY BROTHER, HE WOULDN'T

STOP, HE'S LIKE, LOOK THAT GUY'S

HIDING FROM THE COPS.

UH, BOY DID WE HAVE FUN.

DOZE WERE DU DAYS.

AH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

SPEAKING OF GETTING HIGH,

I'D LIKE TO DO AN IMPRESSION

RIGHT NOW.

UM, I'D LIKE TO DO, YOU KNOW

WHAT, YELL OUT ANY IMPRESSION

THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR AND

I'LL DO IT AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

YELL OUT ANYBODY.

(AUDIENCE YELLS OUT NAMES)

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

HOW ABOUT I DO A GAY GUY

LOST IN A WAREHOUSE?

I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU YELL OUT BUT I KNOW WHATCHA,

I KNOW WHATCHA YA WANT.

HEY, STEVE.

GET A LITTLE TAP DANCE MUSIC

READY AFTER THIS.

I NEED A LOT FOR MY JOKES,

TAP DANCE, ANYTHING.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE GOOD

QUALITY JOKES?

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE TRIED, IT'S VERY HARD.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I'VE TRIED TO HAVE LIKE,

YOU KNOW, OTHER THINGS GOING ON

THAT'S SO YA KNOW SO YOU FORGET

ABOUT THE JOKES.

OH, HE'S TAP DANCE, OH, OH,

WHAT'S HE DOING?

UM, YOU KNOW, SMOKE MACHINE,

I THROW RAZZLES AT THE AUDIENCE,

WHATEVER.

UM, RAZZLES?

WHAT A REFERENCE.

UM, OKAY, I'LL DO MY IMPRESSION

OF A GAY, A VERY GAY MAN LOST IN

A WAREHOUSE.

(CLEARS THROAT)

OH MY GOD, I'M LOST IN A

WAREHOUSE, THIS IS GREAT!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

HEY, ANDY.

EVERYBODY LOVES A LITTLE SOFT

SHOE, GET CLOSE ON THAT.

NOW THEY'RE GONNA KNOW I'M NOT

TAP DANCING.

STEVE ROSENTHAL LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, HE'S BEEN WITH ME...

(APPLAUSE)

FIX MY PANTS.

ANYWAY, THIS IS A PART OF MY ACT

WHERE I SMOKE.

IT LASTS ABOUT A MINUTE, I'M NOT

GONNA SMOKE THE REST OF MY SHOW,

SO IF THE SMOKE DOES HIT YOU,

I APOLOGIZE.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO, HOLD ON LET

ME LIGHT THIS UP.

MMM.

MY DAD SMOKES LIKE HIS FACE IS

KILLING HIM.

THAT'S HOW MY DAD SMOKES.

I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND BEING

A LITTLE GUY.

THIS IS HOW ALL DAD'S SMOKE.

(LAUGHTER)

DAD, ARE YOU ENJOYING THAT?

YEAH.

HE'D COME WATCH ME PLAY BASEBALL

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAS IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

OF COURSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

NO, I AM STILL IN THE LITTLE

LEAGUES FOLKS.

THEY WON'T ADVANCE ME.

SEE MY BROTHER'S HERE, SPENCER,

HE KNOWS I WAS NEVER IN THE

LITTLE LEAGUES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY I

PLAYED JACKS, IT DOESN'T HAVE

THE SAME FIGHTING EFFECT.

MY DAD WOULD COME WATCH ME PLAY

BASEBALL.

HE'D BE IN THE STANDS, KEEP YOUR

EYE ON THE BALL SON, UH-HUH.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL,

DON'T TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE

BALL.

MM-MMM.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

DAD I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING SMOKE

COME OUT OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR

HEAD.

HE'D LAUGH SO HARD, HE'D (BLEEP)

A DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREE OUT

HIS BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

STEVE, THANKS A LOT, THAT'S HIS

JOKE, HE WROTE IT FOR ME LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

(APPLAUSE)

I'D LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN,

HAVE A FAMILY.

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

YOU KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE GOING TO EDIT THAT.

UM, I HAVE A CAMP, I YOU KNOW,

I HAVE A CAMP.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU PEOPLE KNOW

THIS, BUT I HAVE A CAMP FOR KIDS

WITH NO HANDS.

AND SERIOUSLY, YEAH.

AND, AH, YA KNOW THAT SONG,

IF YOUR HAPPY AND YA KNOW IT,

CLAP YOUR HANDS?

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS,

WE DON'T PLAY IT ANY MORE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW WE PLAY

IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT,

BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE

TABLE.

AND UH, THE KIDS LOVE IT.

YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE KID

THAT'S, SO CUTE--

THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M GETTING

OLDER, SOMETIMES I'M WALKIN ON

THE AIRPLANE-- YOU EVER SEE A

KID THAT'S SO CUTE, YOU WANT TO

SQUEEZE IT, LIKE, TILL IT LIKE

POOPS IT'S PANTS, ARRRHHHH.

THE MOM'S LIKE, YOU'RE GOING

TO KILL MY BABY!

I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S CUTE,

AAAHHHHH.

SOMETIMES, I SEE A DOG THAT

CUTE, YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE DOG

THAT CUTE?

YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT, AH,

YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE IT TILL

IT DIES.

AAAHHH.

AAAAHHH.

AND PUPPY BREATHE.

OH MY GOD, HOW CUTE IS PUPPY

BREATHE?

IF I COULD MEET A GIRL WITH

PUPPY BREATHE, I'D MARRY HER,

SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

TWELVE TITS WOULDN'T BE BAD

EITHER.

BUT, UM.

HERE TONIGHT, I'M SURE WE HAVE

PEOPLE THAT ARE FROM ALL

PROFESSIONS.

WE HAVE ANY TEACHERS HERE?

DOES ANYBODY DO THAT FOR A

LIVING?

MY BROTHER SPENCE IS A TEACHER,

THAT'S A HARD JOB, I REALLY DO

HAVE A LOT OF ADMIRATION FOR

TEACHERS, I LOOK BACK AND I HAVE

SO MUCH ADMIRATION FOR A LOT OF

MY TEACHERS.

BUT THEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAD

SOME TEACHERS THAT WERE BAD,

YOU KNOW?

ONE OF MY TEACHERS, ONCE,

SHE GOES, MR. GLASS, WHEN THEY

WERE HANDING OUT BRAINS,

YOU THOUGHT THEY SAID TRAINS

AND YOU SAID, I DON'T WANT TO GO

ANYWHERE.

I SAID, YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE

HANDING OUT PERSONALITIES,

YOU THOUGHT THEY SAID WHO WANTS

TO BE A MEAN WHORE.

HA, HA, HA.

THANK YOU.

(BAND PLAYS MARCHING BAND MUSIC)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOOK, I'M JAY LENO.

I LIKE THAT MUSIC.

GOD, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU

HAD THAT MUSIC IN REAL LIFE?

THAT'S LIKE THAT PRESIDENTIAL

MUSIC.

THEY SAY WE RUN THE COUNTRY,

BUT YOU DON'T HEAR THAT MUSIC

WHEN YOU WALK OUT YOUR FRONT

DOOR EVERY MORNING.

YOU'D BE IN A BETTER MOOD,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT IF YOU WALKED OUT YOUR

FRONT DOOR AND YOU HEARD THAT

EVERY MORNING, JUST WALKED OUT

YOUR FRONT DOOR AND YOU HEARD

THAT.

WOULDN'T YOU BE IN A BETTER

MOOD?

♪ (MARCHING MUSIC PLAYS)

HI, BOB.

HOW ARE YOU?

(MUSIC STOPS)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FLEW

HERE ON AH, WHEN DID I FLY HERE?

FLEW HERE ON TUESDAY.

AH, FLEW HERE TUESDAY.

PEOPLE IN FIRST CLASS, WHEW,

DID YOU EVER WALK BY THE PEOPLE

IN FIRST CLASS?

DON'T THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE?

DID YOU EVER WALK BY THEM,

SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

YA, I'M JUST A PIECE OF (BLEEP)

HEADING INTO THE POOR AREA.

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK AT

YOU.

THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE WE

GET ON THE PLANE FIRST AND WE

GET OUR DRINKS FIRST.

I FEEL LIKE GOING AND YOU HIT

THE MOUNTAIN FIRST, TOO.

OKAY YA PIECE A...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT FOLKS, IT'S TIME FOR

MORE IMPRESSIONS.

MY IMPRESSION OF GEORGE CARLIN

LOST IN A WAREHOUSE.

(IMITATING GEORGE CARLIN)

WHY DO THEY CALL IT A WAREHOUSE?

YOU DON'T WEAR IT AND IT AIN'T A

HOUSE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

GEORGE CARLIN, I MEAN, I ADMIRE

GEORGE CARLIN, OF COURSE I DO.

I THINK ALL COMICS DO.

SEE I LIKE WHEN GEORGE GETS A

LITTLE CARRIED AWAY WITH THE

BITS.

LIKE, THE STEWARDESS SAYS GET ON

THE PLANE.

(BLEEP) YOU, I'M GETTING

IN THE PLANE!

ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS GET ON

THE PLANE.

TOUR.

ALWAYS LIKE DOING THE COLLEGE

SHOWS.

DO WE HAVE COLLEGE STUDENTS

HERE?

(CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE)

WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO, SIR?

FORDHAM?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JOHN.

BRING JOHN UP HERE, I GOT TO

SHOW EVERYBODY SOMETHING.

GIVE JOHN A LITTLE SOME...

GIVE JOHN A LITTLE MUSIC.

COME ON, JOHN.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

(APPLAUSE)

AH, JOHN, GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

HOW ARE YOU?

COME ON OVER HERE, JOHN.

COME ON OVER HERE.

YOUR NAME'S JOHN?

CAN I CALL YA JA FOR SHORT?

HA, HA, HA, HA.

SHUT UP.

ALL RIGHT.

EATIN' INTO MY TIME HERE.

UH, YOU GO TO WHAT'S THE SCHOOL?

>> JOHN: FORDHAM UNIVERSITY.

>> TODD: FORDHAM UNIVERSITY.

A VERY GOOD SCHOOL.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

WHAT I NOTICE, WHEN I DO THESE

COLLEGE SHOWS, THEY TAKE YOU OUT

AFTERWARDS AND THE BOUNCERS ARE

THE SAME WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE I NEVER

WENT TO COLLEGE.

BUT FOR THIS BIT, AH, THEY THROW

THE KIDS OUT.

THEY'RE ROUGH ON THEM.

YOU'VE SEEN COLLEGE BOUNCERS.

THEY'RE LIKE, GET OUTTA HERE.

THAT DOESN'T TEACH A STUDENT

A LESSON.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TEACH

A KID A LESSON, YOU HAVE TO DO

SOMETHING THAT'S A LITTLE

DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF A BOUNCER DID THIS TO A

COLLEGE STUDENT, IT WOULD FREAK

THEM OUT OKAY.

SO HERE WE GO, TURN SIDEWAYS,

JOHNNY.

IS THERE ANYBODY YOU WANT TO SAY

"HI" TO ON NATIONAL TV?

OKAY.

SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

(LAUGHTER)

PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I GOT A FEW OTHER

PLUGS, I GOTTA MAKE MYSELF HERE.

SO I'M GONNA SAY LEAVE THOSE

LADIES ALONE, RIGHT?

YOU GO, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

ALL RIGHT?

WHAT IF A COLLEGE BOUNCER DID

THIS, IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME

YOUNG MAN, LEAVE THOSE LADIES

ALONE.

JOHN>> I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

TODD>> OH, YOU WILL, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

MAYBE YOU'LL START ACTING LIKE A

GENTLEMAN.

GO SIT DOWN.

GO AHEAD.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE AN ADULT

AND SOMEONE HITS YOU, YOU KNOW,

JOHN, YOU'RE A BIG GUY,

YOU'D CLOCK ME BACK, YA KNOW.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO KNOW?

HEY, THAT GUY SPANKED ME,

LET'S GET HIM GIRLS.

(LAUGHTER)

TOMORROW TO SEE MY FAMILY,

WHICH IS ALWAYS NICE.

I HAVE A NIECE.

PHILADELPHIA!

PHILADELPHIA.

ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE THEY ARE

SAYING FLUFFY WHEN THEY TALK.

WHERE YOU FROM?

FLUFFY.

FLUFFY?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW DA FLUFFY EAGLES?

THE FLUFFY EAGLES?

NO I NEVER HEARD OF THE FLUFFY

EAGLES.

NO DA FLUFFY EAGLES.

FLUFF, FLUFF, FLUFF.

AND THEN I IMITATE THAT

IN MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW, DID YOU EVER HEAR

SOMETHING, LIKE I WHEN,

I ONE TIME I HEARD THIS GUY FROM

LONG ISLAND LIKE I WAS AT A

SANDWICH PLACE AT AN AIRPORT,

AND I HEARD HIM GO, YEA, DATS

FI DOLLAS.

IT'S FI DOLLAS.

AND THEN I WAS ON THE AIRPLANE,

I WAS SITTING ON THE PLANE

IMITATING HIM.

SO I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS,

FI DOLLAS.

FI DOLLAS.

AND THEN THE LADY NEXT TO ME SAW

ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN YOU FEEL LIKE OH MY GOD,

I BETTER EXPLAIN, BECAUSE I

THINK TO HER IT LOOKS LIKE I HAD

TOURETTE'S SYNDROME.

I'M LIKE, FI DOLLAS.

FI DOLLAS.

SO THEN I GO,

NO, I'M NOT CRAZY I WAS

IMITATING A GUY I HEARD,

NEVER MIND, I STILL LOOK CRAZY,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I LOOK ANY MORE NORMAL,

NO I'M JUST IMITATING A GUY

I SAW, FI DOLLAS.

FI DOLLAS.

FI DOLLAS.

GONNA SEE MY NIECE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HER

FOR HER BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

KATIE, I BOUGHT HER GALLOPING

HORSE.

ENDED UP BEING A PIECE OF JUNK.

DIDN'T EVEN GALLOP, IT LIKE

VIBRATED.

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE ONE

OF THOSE HORSES WHEN YOU PUT IT

OUTSIDE THE SUPER MARKET YOU OUT

THE KID ON IT.

NO.

THIS THING VIBRATED,

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

SHE WAS SITTING ON IT LIKE...

(VIBRATING SOUND)

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING,

BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT, IT'S MY

PRECIOUS NIECE, YOU KNOW.

THEN MY BROTHER SAID IT,

HE GOES, SHE'S GONNA BE ON THAT

TILL SHE'S THIRTY, THANKS A LOT.

I CAN'T GET MY SISTER OFF OF IT!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SISTER!

HA, HA.

TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE A

FAMILY.

I UNDERSTAND...

(LAUGHTER)

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,

IT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S FUN TO ARGUE, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

YOU EVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP

YOU ARGUE SO MUCH THAT'S HOW YOU

REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE?

DIDN'T WE ARGUE HERE ONCE,

SERIOUSLY?

DIDN'T YOU THREATEN TO WALK

HOME.

DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE

THAT?

MY DAD USE TO ALWAYS THREATEN

TO TURN THE CAR AROUND.

I'LL TURN THE CAR AROUND!

WE'RE HALF WAY TO FLORIDA,

GO AHEAD I DARE YA!

BWAK, BWAK, BWAK.

MY DAD WAS ALWAYS IN THE WRONG

BUSINESS, WHATEVER I WANTED.

TO GET A BIKE.

(IMITATING DAD) 180 BUCKS

FOR A BIKE?

I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

WHATEVER I WANTED, LOOSE LEAF

PAPER.

3$.

I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

ONE TIME I SNUCK A HOOKER HOME,

HE OVER HEARD HER CHARGING ME.

180 BUCKS?

I MUST BE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS

AND I KEEP DOING THE BIT OVER

AND OVER AND OVER.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT

IT'S LIKE TO RAISE CHILDREN.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS DON'T.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE'S LIKE IF

I HAD KIDS, I'D BE PATIENT WITH

THEM TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.

REALLY?

I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE HAS KIDS,

YOU KNOW, THE SAME GUY AT THE

MALL.

I SAID YOU'RE NOT GETTING A

LARGE!

YOU GET A SMALL OR YOU DON'T GET

ANYTHING!

THE PROBLEM WITH HAVING KIDS ARE

NO ONE SEES WHEN YOU RATIONALIZE

WITH YOUR KIDS.

THEY DON'T CATCH THAT PART.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU'RE AT THE MALL AND YOUR KIDS

LIKE I WANNA LARGE AND YOU GO

LISTEN, TYLER, YOU GET A SMALL

AND IF YOU FINISH THE SMALL YOU

CAN GET ANOTHER SMALL.

"BUT I WANTED TO GET A LARGE!"

LISTEN.

DADDY DOESN'T WANT TO YELL AT

YOU, CAUSE HE LOVES YOU, IF YOU

GET A SMALL...

"BUT I WANT A LARGE!"

LISTEN.

DON'T CRY BECAUSE DADDY GETS

UPSET AND HE...

"BUT I WANNA GET A..."

AND THEN HERE'S WHEN THE PEOPLE

WALK IN.

YOUR NOT GETTIN' A LARGE YOU

LITTLE PIECE OF (BLEEP)!

AND NOW YOUR MAD BECAUSE

EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW YOU'RE EVEN MORE MAD.

NOW YOU'RE LIKE, HEY, EVERYBODY,

I'M NOT NUTS!

I AM NOT NUTS, I LOVE MY KID!

HE'S A BUTTON PUSHIN',

MANIPULITIVE, PIECE OF (BLEEP)!

(LAUGHTER)

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