Wednesday, November 18, 2015

  • 11/18/2015

Michael Shannon, Kelly Oxford and Seth Rogen list #SexyHolidays, try Guy Fieri's new wine and make announcements to Black Friday shoppers.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, OURFRIEND MICHAEL SHANNON JOKINGLY

STATED THAT GENERAL ZOD WHOMHE'S PLAYING IN THE

UPCOMING "BATMAN V. SUPERMAN,"WOULD HAVE FLIPPER HANDS.

NOW WE TALKED ABOUT THISYESTERDAY.

YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE MOVIEAT.

Announcer: PEOPLE ASK YOUQUESTIONS AND YOU CAN'T ANSWER.

>> I KNOW.

Chris: SO YOU'RE KIND OF JUST[BEEP] WITH THE GUY GIVING A

FAKE ANSWER.

HE TOTALLY BOUGHT IT.

IT BECAME A THING.

>> YES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO, I THINK IT'S NOT A

SPOILER TO SAY THAT GENERAL ZODDOES NOT HAVE FLIPPERS EVER IN

ANY MOVIE.

>> THAT WAS ACTUALLY HENRY'SREACTION WHEN I MADE THAT

COMMENT.

[LAUGHING]>> THIS IS MY LIFE, DUDE.

DON'T TELL JOKES LIKE.

THAT FLIPPERS.

>> FLIPPER BABY.

Chris: WHY DID YOU HAVE TOCOME IN HERE WITH YOUR [BEEP]

FLIPPER STORIES.

THE INTERNET IS SO GULLIBLE, IBET THEY'D PROBABLY BELIEVE THAT

BEN AFFLECK IS GOING TO PLAYBATMAN.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I DON'T GET WHAT EVERYONE ISWORRIED ABOUT; WHEN HAVE NERDY

MOVIES EVER BETRAYED US?

EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME.

SORRY I'M AN ADVOCATE FOR GUNGANCONTROL.

THE INTERNET THRIVES ON LEAKEDINFORMATION AND HIDDEN CLUES, NO

MATTER HOW DUMB THEY ARE.

SO, COMEDIANS, LET'S GET THERUMOR MILL GOING: WHAT ARE SOME

COMPLETELY MADE-UP THINGS WE CANEXPECT TO SEE IN THE UPCOMING

"BATMAN V. SUPERMAN"?

SETH ROGAN.

YOU CAN SEE BATMAN'S URETHRA THROUGH HIS COSTUME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAEL SHANNON.

>> WONDER WOMAN IS NO LONGER ANAMAZON.

SHE ONLY WORKS AT AMAZON.

>> Chris: TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE.

KELLY OXFORD.

>> BATMAN LEAVES ROBIN FOR HISNANNY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

YOU CAN SEE THE DRAMA.

>> THAT'S THE SAD VERSION.

Chris: THE DRAMA THERE.

MOVING ON.

>> Chris: "SPECTRE," THE NEWJAMES BOND MOVIE COMES OUT

FRIDAY IN INDIA, WHERE IT'SALREADY BEEN EDITED FOR

PROFANITY.

NOW, BEFORE YOU GET MAD THAT YOUWON'T HEAR 008'S

CATCHPHRASE "BALLS...DICKBALLS," THIS CENSORSHIP INVOLVES

KISSING.

THE INDIAN CENTRAL BOARD OF FILMCERTIFICATION CUT THE KISSING

SCENES IN HALF BECAUSE "THELENGTH OF THE KISSES WAS FOUND

TO BE EXCESSIVE."

THE BODY COUNT, HOWEVER, REMAINSIN THE DOZENS.

HERE YOU CAN SEE A LIST OF BODYCOUNTS.

PIERCE, 33.8.

DANIEL -->> PER MOVIE.

>> I THINK IT'S POPULATIONCONTROL.

[LAUGHING]>> OBVIOUSLY OUT OF HAND DOWN

THERE.

>> NO MORE KISSING.

Chris: NO MORE KISSING.

THEY'RE JUST JUST GET TO THE[BEEP] EATING.

>> I THINK SEAN CONNERY KILLEDMORE PEOPLE THAN THAT IN REAL

LIFE.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SETH ROGEN.

MAYBE INDIA IS ONTO SOMETHING.

LET'S NIP THIS ALARMING TREND OFADULT-THEMED JAMES BOND FILMS IN

THE JAMES BUD.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME G-RATEDJAMES BOND MOVIE TITLES?

KELLY OXFORD.

>> OXAKITTY.

Chris: SETH.

>> DR. KNOW, HE'S JUST APEDIATRICIAN.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

MICHAEL SHANNON, YOU'RE NOT ONTWITTER OR ANY SOCIAL MEDIA, ARE

YOU?

>> I GUESS NOT.

NO, I'VE AVOIDED IT ALL.

[LAUGHING]IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE A

LOT OF FREE TIME.

IT'S TIME FOR

#HASHTAGWARS.

EVERYONE LOVES THE HOLIDAYS,ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR BECAUSE OUR

PALS SETH AND MICHAEL HAVE AMOVIE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY ABOUT

THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL OFCHRISTMAS PARTIES.

BUT THE HOLIDAYS CAN ALSO BESTRESSFUL, SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

HELPS GIVE YOU SOME SWEETRELEASE.

IT'S #SEXYHOLIDAYS!

#SEXYHOLIDAYS.

NOW -- WOW.

HIS DICK IS BIGGER THAN PATRICKFROM SPONGE BOB.

NOW WHEN YOU THINK THANKSGIVING,YOU'LL THINK TURKEY, FOOTBALL

AND GETTING WAY HORNY.

SO IT'S TIME FOR STUFFINGEXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

FROSTY THE BLOW MAN, LABIAMENORAH, AND THAT WHITE STUFF

ISN'T SNOW.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW!

KELLY.

>> YANKS GIVING.

>> DICK THE HALLS.

>> DECK THE BALLS.

Chris: POINTS.

SETH ROGEN.

>> D.T. ELF.

>> I SMALL MOMMY FISTING SANTACLAUS.

>> WORK THE HALLS.

>> FIVE IN THE STINK.

Chris: POINTS.

KELLY .

>> LITTLE HUMMER BOY.

Chris: POINTS.

>> BUM BUM BUM BUM.

Chris: KELLY AGAIN.

>> HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS.

Chris: SETH.

>> FIVE GOLDEN [BEEP] RINGS.

>> SLAP THE BALLS.

Chris: POINTS.

I ENJOY WHAT YOU'RE DOINGMICHAEL SHANNON.

>> ONCE YOU GO BLACK FRIDAY YOUNEVER GO BACK FRIDAY.

>> Chris: MICHAEL SHANNON.

>> HOT BOXING DAY, CANADA.

Chris: VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

SETH.

>> TOYS FOR [BEEP]Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "EXERCISE YOURDEMONS."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THE OTHER EXERCISE.

I'M ALL FOR PHYSICAL FITNESS,BUT GOING TO THE GYM MEANS

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEALWITH GUYS LIKE THIS ASKING YOU

"DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?," ANDBLASTING YOU WITH THEIR QUINOA

FARTS.

FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT THINKTHIS GUY HAS 'ROID RAGE.

HE'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY CHILLGUY; JUST LOOK AT THAT SWEET

PUKA SHELL NECKLACE.

THAT EQUALS CHILL.

I SAY, JUST STAY HOME!

YOU SHOULD JUST WATCH FITNESSVIDEOS AT HOME ON YOUTUBE, AND

YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WIPEANYTHING DOWN.

WELL, OFF THE KEYBOARD.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA REAL WORKOUT VIDEO, AND, FOR

250 POINTS, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVETO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT IT.

FIRST ONE THESE 80s BUDDIES.

[LAUGHING]WHAT'S THEIR POST-WORKOUT

COOL-DOWN?

KELLY.

>> LYING TO EACH OTHERS WIVES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: IT WAS THE 80s,

POINTS.

SETH ROGEN.

>> MAKING ME QUESTION MYSEXUALITY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

MICHAEL SHANNON.

>> KILLING EACH OTHER THENTHEMSELVES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: THIS FUN BUNCH.

>> GOOD JOB.

WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND KEEPMOVING.

LUNGE TO THE SIDE FOR ONE.

( LAUGHTER )ONE, SQUEEZE YOUR ABS.

( LAUGHTER )>> Chris: WHY SO SERIOUS.

WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT, SETH?

>> THE SAME THING THEY'RETRYINGTON CRY AT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KELLY.

>> HOW SHE USED TO HAVE HOPE.

Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

MICHAEL.

>> BECAUSE IT TICKLES DOWNTHERE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

IT TICKLES DOWN THERE.

>> WHEN YOU'RE DOING THAT WITHYOUR ABS, IT TICKLES DOWN THERE.

>> Chris: THE TICKLE MOLECULES.

POINTS TO MICHAEL SHANNON.

>> RIGHT.

>> IT DOES.

Chris: YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK ANY SCIENTISTWOULD DISPUTE THAT.

NEXT UP THESE FITNESS FURRIES>> CRAZY CATS

Chris: OH.

>> JUST LOOK AT THE WALL.

LOOK AT THE WALL.

>> Chris: AS THAT GUY IN THEBACKGROUND WRITE A YELP REVIEW

OF THE GYM.

MICHAEL.

>> IT TURNS OUT THE BIG GREENRABBIT WAS A GUY IN THE RABBIT

SUIT.

3 STARS FOR AMPLE PARKING ANDTHE SHOWER GEL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SETH.

>> GOOD GYM, GREAT PLACE TO[BEEP] A RABBIT.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

THEN LASTLY FROM OURPALS AT THE POUND FOOTAGE

FESTIVAL.

FACERSIZE>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,

SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

-- -RELAX.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW

ABOUT THE CHRIS JENNER SEXTAPES.

THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE.

[LAUGHING]>> HONESTLY IN THAT STILL SHE

LOOKS LIKE A BLOW UP SEX DOLL.

I'M NOT SPEAKING FROMEXPERIENCE.

>> Chris: I WANT LIKE A 1960sANT MAD MAN E.R.A. BLOW UP DOLL.

>> Chris: COMMODIANS THE SLOGANFOR FACERSIZE.

>> FITNESS WITHOUT THE RESULTS.

Chris: POINTS.

SETH.

>> SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AFTERTHEY DISCOVER YOUR BODY IN YOUR

APARTMENT FOR TWO WEEKS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT GUY FIERI'S NEW WINE LABEL

THAT INCLUDES A "BOMB-ASSPINOT ."

IF YOU BUY HIS WINE YOU CALL ITPE, N-OT.

I ASKED YOU TODESCRIBE THIS NECTAR OF THE

BOWLING GODS.

KELLY.

>> NEEDS MORE A-1.

Chris: MICHAEL.

>> THIS IS HANDS DOWN THE MOSTFLAMMABLE WINE I HAVE EVER

TASTED.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

SETH ROGEN.

>> HINT OF FOREHEAD SWEAT WITH ABLEACHED FINISH.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN HE DIPPEDHIS DICK IN THIS.

>> Chris: YOU'RE NOT MISTAKEN.

>> I'M RAREY MISTAKEN.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME"T.G.I.B.F"

IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY, FOLKS,THAT SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR WHEN

STORES OPEN THEIR DOORS EARLY TOUSHER IN OUR NATION'S LOVING

MOTHERS SO THEY CAN BODY SLAMEACH OTHER TO THE GROUND IN

SEARCH OF GREAT DEALS ON CRAPPYTOYS CAN CHOKE ON.

COMEDIANS, TO HELP US GET IN THEHOLIDAY SPIRIT, I'D LIKE YOU TO

GIVE ME AN IN-STORE ANNOUNCEMENTWE CAN EXPECT TO HEAR ON BLACK

FRIDAY.

IN 60 SECONDS, BEGIN.

>> YOU BLOCKING SOMEONE WITH IT.

YOU BOUGHT IT.

>> I'M SORRY WE'RE COMPLETELYOUT OF TICKLE ME KIM DAVIS

DOLLS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

KELLY.

>> GOOD EVENING, SHOPPERS.

THIS IS WHERE YOU DIE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KELLY.

>> ISLE 3, PREPARE TO ACCEPTREFUGEES FROM ISLE 7.

>> Chris: SETH.

>> ON SECOND THOUGHT ISLE 3 HASREFUSED TO ACCEPT REFUGEES FROM

ISLE 7.

>> Chris: MICHAEL.

>> ATTENTION ALL SHOPPERS THISSTORE AND EVERYTHING BOUGHT IT

HAVE BEEN BOUGHT BY CHINA.

>> THE PRODUCTS WON'T FILL THATHOLE IN YOUR HEART.

>> EXCUSE ME SHOPPERS THE MAN INTHE RESTROOM WITH A TOWEL IS NOT

A VALET.

>> THOSE WHO CAMPED OUT ANDCURRENTLY WEARING DIAPERS [BEEP]

OFF.

>> FOR THE NEXT FIVE HOURS THISSTORE HAS THE SAME RULES AS THE

PURGE.

>> Chris: AMAZING.