Po Boy

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 09/26/2014

After getting a sign from above, Adam adopts a kid and hosts performances from Rick Glassman, Monroe Martin and Kurt Braunohler.

- DUDE, YOU HIREDYOUR OWN LITTLE PERSON?

- THAT IS NOTPOLITICALLY CORRECT.

THE POLITICAL CORRECT TERMIS MIDGET,

AND HE'S NEITHEROF THOSE THINGS.

HE'S MY ADOPTED SON.

- I REALLY LIKETHE WAY HE LOOKS.

- CHILL OUT, RICK.- HE'S CUTE.

- WATCH IT, RICK.

- I HAD NO IDEAYOU ADOPTED A KID.

THAT'S REALLYGENEROUS OF YOU, ADAM.

- THANK YOU.

I JUST SAW HIM ON THE STREETSLAST NIGHT AT ABOUT 3:00 A.M.

I WAS STUMBLING DRUNK.

I SEETHIS DIRTY LITTLE BOY,

AND I'M LIKE,"I MUST PROTECT HIM,

GIVE HIM A ROOF,AND BATHE HIM."

- YOU JUST BROUGHT HIMTO YOUR HOUSE, WASHED HIM UP,

HIS LITTLE BALLSAND EVERYTHING?

- YES--NO, NOT THE BALLS.I DID NOT--

- SO YOU'RE SAYINGYOU KEPT HIM HAVING DIRTY BALLS.

- I DIDN'T--WHY WOULD I WASH HIS BALLS?

THAT'S A PERVY--

- YOU HAVE A DIRTY-BALLED BOYIN A TUXEDO

THAT YOU KIDNAPPED.

- I DID NOT KIDNAP HIM.

IT WAS MORE LIKEA CITIZEN'S ADOPT,

WHICH IS LIKEA CITIZEN'S ARREST,

BUT MORE LOVING-BASED.

- THAT'S NOT A THING.- IT'S DEFINITELY A THING.

- [snapping]PO' BOY, I SUMMON YOU.

- PO' BOY--THAT CAN'T BEHIS REAL NAME.

DO YOU EVEN KNOWHIS REAL NAME?

- OF COURSE I DO.IT IS SKYLIGHT.

NO, IT ISN'T.

OKAY, I DON'T KNOWHIS REAL NAME,

BUT I BELIEVE,AS HIS LEGAL FATHER-GUARDIAN,

THAT ONE SHOULD NAMETHINESELVES.

SO, PO' BOY,IS YOUR NAME CHAD?

IS IT LOCO?

IS IT PARTYMAN 5,000?

IT'S PARTYMAN 5,000.- NOT A NAME, MAN.

- THAT'S, LIKE, A NAMEFOR A BAD ROBOT.

- WELL, IF HE THOUGHTI WAS A BAD DAD,

WHY WOULD HE GIVE ME A HATTHAT SAYS "NUMBER ONE DAD"?

- IT'S OBVIOUS YOU JUST BOUGHTTHAT FOR HIM TO GIVE TO YOU.

- I MAKE NO ONEDO ANYTHING,

EXCEPT I'M GONNA MAKE YOU GUYSBABYSIT HIM,

AND, RICK,COME ONSTAGE AND--

RICK!- NO.

- COME WITH ME.- YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

I WANNA TELL YOU GUYSA LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME

SOMETHING INTERESTING:

I'M ACTUALLY HALF-BLACK,AND I'M HALF-WHITE.

MY MOM IS ACTUALLYHALF-BLACK AND HALF-JEWISH,

AND MY DAD IS HALF-BLACKAND HALF-ITALIAN,

SO I HAVETWO HALF-BLACK PARENTS,

WHICH MAKES ME HALF-BLACK,AND IT'S A WEIRD MIX, MAN.

IT REMINDS ME OF THIS JOKE,WHICH I DON'T REMEMBER,

SO I APOLOGIZE.

I'MA TRY IT.BEAR WITH ME.

MY FATHER TOLD IT TO ME,AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,

IT'S HIS WORDS,NOT MINE.

BUT A GUY WALKSINTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE,

AND HE'S A BLACK GUY,

AND HE WALKSINTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE,

AND THE JEW DOCTOR SAYS--

AGAIN, IF YOU'RE OFFENDED,IT'S MY FATHER'S WORDS--

BUT THIS JEWBAG DOCTOR SAYS--HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

HE'S SAYS, "I GOT GOOD NEWS,AND I GOT BAD NEWS."

NOW, YOU KNOW BLACK GUYS,NO OFFENSE,

BUT THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?"

SO THIS DOCTOR--THIS DOCTOR SAYS,

"WELL, HOLD ON A SECOND,BLACK GUY,"

BUT HE SAYS IT MORE LIKE,"OH, YOU KNOW,

I HAVE CURLY HAIR'CAUSE I AM BORAT,"

YOU KNOW, JEWISH STUFF,LIKE, 'CAUSE OF STEREOTYPES,

AND THEN THE BLACK GUY SAID,"WELL, WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?"

HE'S LIKE,"IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME HERE.

"I'M JUST TELLING YOUA DOCTOR'S OFFICE JOKE,

AND YOU'RE STEPPINGON MY TIMING,"

SO IN TYPICALBLACK GUY FASHION,

HE'S LIKE,"WHAT'S THE JOKE?"

AND THEN THE JEW SAYS, "YOUSTEPPED ON MY TIMING, YOU KNOW?"

[stammering]

AND THIS GOES ONFOR A WHILE.

MEANWHILE, IN THE OTHER ROOMIS THIS NURSE, A BLONDE NURSE,

BUT NO OFFENSE,BUT BLONDES ARE DUMB AS SHIT,

BECAUSE THEY'RE PAYINGTHEIR WAY

THROUGH COLLEGE BY STRIPPING,

BECAUSE--YOU KNOW,BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO HAVE SEX

WITH GUYS AND STUFF.

SO ANYWAY,THIS BLONDE NURSE IS CHECKING

THE BLOOD PRESSUREOF A CHINAMAN.

NOW, I COULD HAVE SAIDCHINESE MAN,

BUT IT'S AN OLD RACIST JOKE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAYABOUT THE CHINESE.

THEY GOT MUSHY DICKS,OR WHATEVER.

I DON'T KNOW,BUT THE POINT IS,

YOU GOT THE MEXICANS.

THEY'RE GAY,AND THE GAYS,

THEY'RE TAKINGALL OF OUR JOBS,

AND THE MEXICANS WANTTO MARRY OTHER MEXICANS,

WHICH I'M NOT FOR--SORRY!

IF YOU'RE MEXICAN,IT'S A CHOICE, ALL RIGHT?

AND IF YOU DON'T WANTTO BE MEXICAN,

HEY, THIS JUST IN:START HAVING SEX WITH GIRLS.

IT'S AN EASY FIX.

SO, ANYWAY,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

IT TURNS OUTTHAT THE BAD NEWS

WAS THAT THIS BLACK GUYHAD STREP THROAT,

BUT THE GOOD NEWS WASTHAT THE INSURANCE COVERED IT.

I WENT TO A BAD SCHOOLGROWING UP.

I WENT TO MARTIN LUTHER KINGHIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH, MY SCHOOLWAS DEFINITELY NOT HIS DREAM.

MY SCHOOLWAS DOCUMENTARY BAD.

YOU KNOW HOW BAD YOU GOTTABE TO MAKE IT TO THE MOVIES?

EVERY TIME YOU WATCH

A DOCUMENTARYABOUT A BAD SCHOOL,

IT HAS THREE MAIN THINGSTHAT MAKE THAT SCHOOL TERRIBLE:

DRUG DEALERS,GANGS, AND PREGNANT GIRLS.

MY SCHOOL WAS SO BAD,WE HAD DRUG-DEALING

PREGNANT GIRLSTHAT RAN GANGS.

THE INITIATIONWAS THEIR WATER BREAKING.

I USED TO WORK WITH KIDS.

I HATE IT,'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE KIDS.

KIDS STINK.

THAT'S A NORMAL ANSWERFOR A MAN.

IF YOU EVER HEAR A DUDE GO,"I ABSOLUTELY ADORE CHILDREN,"

YOU SHOULD RUNA BACKGROUND CHECK IMMEDIATELY.

ALSO, ONE,I'M NOT EVEN THAT SMART.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW AN ANSWERTO A KID'S QUESTION,

I JUST MADE THEM LOOKWITHIN THEMSELVES.

A KID WOULD COME TO ME:"MR. MARTIN,

"CAN YOU HELP MESOLVE THIS EQUATION?

I GOT TO SOLVE FOR X."

"COME ON, JAMAL,YOU KNOW THIS.

"IT'S IN HERE,'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

"I CHEATED OFFTHE INDIAN GIRL.

SO SHOULD YOU."

I WAS TERRIFIED OF MOSTOF THE KIDS I WORKED WITH,

ESPECIALLY THIS ONE KIDNAMED RASHAWN.

RASHAWN WAS A NINTH GRADER

WITH A FULL SCHOLARSHIPTO PRISON.

HE HAD A NECK TATTOOTHAT SAID "M.O.B.,"

WHICH HE TOLD ME STANDSFOR "MONEY OVER BITCHES."

I WAS LIKE,"YOU DON'T HAVE EITHER."

I HAD TO SIT HIM DOWNAND TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, MAN,I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

"AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING,THAT M.O.B. TATTOO

IS JUST GONNA STAND FOR'MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING?'"

HE DIDN'T THINKTHAT WAS FUNNY AT ALL!

I GOT IN TROUBLE;HIS MOM CAME UP TO THE SCHOOL,

AND I WAS SCARED OF HER,

BECAUSE SHE HAD THE SAMEEXACT TATTOO ON HER NECK,

AND SHE HADA BURGER KING UNIFORM ON.

LAST TIME I WAS HEREIN NEW ORLEANS

I WAS HERE

FOR A BACHELOR/BACHELORETTEPARTY,

AND WE WERE HAVINGA BIG, BIG TIME.

I GOT VERY DRUNK.I BLACKED OUT.

I'M SORRY.IT'S NEW ORLEANS.

IT WAS AN EXCITING TIME.I BLACKED OUT.

SO MY LAST MEMORY IS OF MEIN A BAR LIKE,

"WE'RE NEVER GONNA DIE!"

AND THEN THE NEXT THINGI KNOW, I COME TO,

AND I AM TOTALLY NUDEON THE FIFTH FLOOR OF MY HOTEL,

AND I HAVE A STRANGER'SHOUSE KEYS IN MY HAND.

SO I WAKE UPIN AN ACTUAL NIGHTMARE,

LIKE, "OH, NO!WHERE"--

JUST TRYING TO HIDE PLACES,LIKE, "WHERE AM I GONNA GO?"

BUT EVERYWHERE I GOIS A DOOR

TO SOMEONE ELSE'SHOTEL ROOM.

THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO.

SO WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS,I HAD GONE TO SLEEP

AND THENHAD SLEPTWALKED NUDE

AND WENT DOWNTO THE FIFTH FLOOR,

BUT THAT'SA RATIONAL EXPLANATION.

BUT IN MY MIND,I HAD JUST READ THIS BOOK,

THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE,

AND IN IT, THAT MAN TIME TRAVELSAGAINST HIS WILL

AND COMES TO IN A NEW TIME,TOTALLY NUDE AND DISORIENTED.

SO I WAS LIKE,"I'VE BEEN TIME TRAVELING!"

AND I KNEW THAT I STAYED ONTHE 23RD FLOOR,

SO I WAS LIKE--

I GET IN THE ELEVATOR,AND THE DOORS CLOSE,

AND I KEEP HITTINGTHE 23RD FLOOR,

AND I WAS LIKE, "DID WE GOSO FAR INTO THE FUTURE

THAT THE 23RD FLOORDOESN'T EXIST?"

'CAUSE IT DOESN'T LIGHT UP,AND THEN I REALIZE

YOU NEED YOUR KEY, CARD KEY,TO MAKE IT WORK,

AND ALL I HAVE ISTHIS STRANGER'S HOUSE KEYS.

BUT NOW THE DOORSHAVE CLOSED,

SO IF ANYONE CALLSTHIS ELEVATOR,

THEY'RE JUST GONNA FINDA GIANT NUDE MAN WHO'S LIKE,

"I'VE BEEN TIME TRAVELING!"

PO' BOY?HE MIGHT GO BY CHAD.

OH, HEY.

HEY, HERE IS THE $5.00THAT I OWED YOU

FOR BABYSITTING MY CHILD,FROM EARLIER.

- THIS IS ONLY $3.00.

- OKAY, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUTTHE MONEY WITH YOU, IS IT?

- THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,HE WAS OUT FRONT

TALKING TO SOME GUYIN A VAN.

- IN A VAN?

STOP!STOP!

YOU'RE STEALING MY SONTHAT I STOLE!

PO' BOY!

- ACTUALLY, HE'S MY SON.

DENNIS HAS A TENDENCYTO RUN AWAY SOMETIMES.

- SO HIS NAME ISN'T PO' BOY?

IS IT PARTYMAN 5,000?

- NO, NO, IT'S DENNIS.

AND THANK YOUFOR TAKING CARE OF HIM.

AND I AIN'T GONNA PRESSNO CHARGES

IF YOU LET GO OF MY VAN

AND SHUT THAT BACK DOORFOR ME.

- THIS SEEMS SHADY.

PO' BOY,IS THIS YOUR REAL DAD?

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

- HOW WAS THE PARTY THERE,DENNIS?

- POOR FOOLNEVER EVEN SAW IT COMING, DAD.

- [laughing]

YESSSSS...

- BOURBON STREET,LET'S GIVE IT UP