Dane Cook: Troublemaker

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/25/2015

Dane Cook dissects everything from text message arguments to the reason women hate the word "moist" to the anatomy of emojis.

Talk to the guys.

I want to talk to the fellowsfor a second, the men.

The boys in the crowd.

How you guys doing, good?


What the fuck ever, you know?

I want to help you right now.

I want to help youin your relationship.

I want to help you toend it, you know, clean.

But here's a couplethings that you need

to know right awayin the interim, OK?

That you need to realize.

Number one.

Guys, you'll never--you're never,

ever going to win a textargument with a girl.


It's never going to happen.

They will always win,100% of the time.

So I want you to justgive up on it now.

Don't even get involved.

A couple of reasons why.

First of all, girlstype fuckin' fast.



We're two sentences in.

I was not late yesterday.

And then you see thethree dots come up.


The three dots of, I'mnot finished up here.

She already had herturn, but the dots-- so

now you're under the gun.

You've got to getyours out fast.

And of course, that's whenauto-correct changes the word

"yesterday" to like,"Neanderthal," a word that

has nothing to dowith yesterday.


Yesteryears, potentially.


You're fours sentencesin, and then she

sends like-- whoosh-- shesends a manifesto.


So much informationcomes through your phone.

Your phone gets hot!

It drops to 54% batterylife immediately,

from a full fucking charge!



Because the Constitutionof Megan just came through.

You can't even enjoy your reply.

Because she has sent somuch information that now

you have to uselike legal document

terms for our rebuttal.


You've got to be like, inconjunction with Section 3,

Area 5 of the thirdscroll, you're a bitch!


Girls, you love your littleemojis.

Oh my goodness.


You can-- you can stopwith those, at any time.

It's-- you ever try to readgirl texts to each other,

that they send?

You can't!

You can't.

It's all emoji.

It's like Egyptianhieroglyphics.

You can't decipher it.

Nobody knows.

Only the Illuminati knowswhat the [bleep] girls are

sending back andforth to each other.


Fans of "The Illuminati," I see.

I didn't even knowwhat most of them are.

Several of the emojis--this bothers me, too.

Many of them arevery, very tiny.

You need to wear likea jeweler's eye-- oh!

That's a-- that's afrog with a broken leg.

Um-- oh!

And his friend signed his cast.

Get hoppin, hoppy!

That's adorable.

I don't know whatthis means in my life.


There's several like that.

There's only a couple of emojisthat I really understand.

And then the rest don't-- Idon't know who's using them.

A couple-- the couple,like the big yellow face.

That make sense.

A big smiley.


You want to go to movies?

(FEMALE VOICE) Yeah! [inaudible]I love [inaudible] let's go!



That makes sense.

Or the one with theblushing, shy cheeks.

I have my period, I don'twant to do anything!


Feels like there's ajavelin in my vagina.


I just want to eat salt on salt.

Salt on salt crime.

Those are the only twoI really understand.

The rest-- is anybodyhere using the emoji

wearing a surgical mask?


Who is that for?

Is that in case you haveto quarantine a small city

suddenly after an outbreakof-- where's the hazmat emoji?

I need to-- the flagof Finland is in there.

Anybody using the flagof [bleep] Finland?

Hey guys, guess where I am?


Someone had a Groupon.

Two days, one night.

See you bitches yesterday!




There's a needle withblood just in the air!

You should neverbe in a situation

where that emojidescribes-- first

of all, that is very unsanitary.

You do realize that?

Just blood is coming out.

Where are you that you're--hey, I'm at a party.

You guys, you gotta come by.

They just handed out syringes.

We're just squirtin' ourblood all over the place.

Come on by, day walkers.

This is a--


What can we do right atthe beginning of therelationship

to [bleep] crackeverything open?

Get to the good stuff?

Well, you've gotto look for shit.

You've got to-- right now,it is legal to snoop and look

for shit.


That's not weird anymore.

I think that thatshould be the rule.

Even if it's a first date.

If somebody leaves the room, andtheir computer is open and on,

get on there.

Just start-- doesn't matter.

If they walk into the room,you're on my computer?


I want to know who the[bleep] you really are.

I don't have time to waste.

Life is short.

Who the-- are you a sociopath?

I want to know what's going on.


Anybody who thinks they'rebeing smart here, by the way,

I'm going to pointsomething out.

Nobody's browserhistory should be clear.


If you go on somebody's computerand their browser history

is clear, get the[bleep] out now.

Nobody should have timeto be clearing browsers.

You go on a girl browser,it should be like Pinterest,

Pinterest, Pinterest, Pinterest,Pinterst, WebMD, Pinterest,

Pinterest, Pinterest, Pinterest.


Guy browser?



We're such sneaky shit bums.

Every time we leave the house wego, oh babe, I forgot my keys.

We didn't forget the keys, weforgot to clear the browser.

That's how paranoid we are.