Extended - Thursday, June 4, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 06/04/2015

Eli Roth, Gary Gulman and Nikki Glaser delve into Canada's secret kinkiness, title #NBASongs and witness grisly horror movie deaths in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S HEADLINESON THE INTERNET, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH!

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)LOOK AT ALL THOSE GRAPHICS.

IT'S A SALAD OF GRAPHICS.

ALL RIGHT, THE DAILY DOT REPORTSTHAT THE TINDER-LIKE APP FOR THE

KINK COMMUNITY CALLED WHIPLRJUST RELEASED A LIST OF THE TEN

KINKIEST COUNTRIES, ANDSHOCKINGLY, THEY WEREN'T ALL

GERMANY.

UH, NOT EVEN NUMBER TWO HERE, IFYOU SEE.

BIGGEST SURPRISE BEING, OFCOURSE, THAT JUST BEHIND THE

U.K. AND THE U.S., CANADIA?

RIGHT THERE?

WHAT, THE NOTORIOUSLY POLITENATION OF CANADA?

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THATTHESE APOLOGETIC GOOSE HERDERS

ENJOY TURNING...

(LAUGHTER)...TURNING ONE ANOTHER INTO

POUTINE DUMPS?

(LAUGHTER)CANADIANS... ARE POLITE AND

THEY'RE CORDIAL, AND PROBABLYEVEN DURING S&M, WHICH I THINK

STANDS FOR "S'IL VOUS PLAIT,MONSIEUR."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)SO... COMEDIANS...

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)...AS A CANADIAN KINKSTER,

PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOUJUST DID TO ME.

UH, NIKKI GLASER.

>> UH, SORRY, WE SHOULD HAVEPROBABLY AGREED ON A SHORTER

SAFE WORD THAN "SASKATCHEWAN."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)GARY?

>> SORRY I LET LORNE MICHAELSWATCH, EH?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

ELI ROTH.

>> UH, SORRY, COULD I BORROWYOUR HOCKEY STICK TO GET MY TUKE

OUT OF YOUR BUTT?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

SORRY... SORRY I PUT THAT HOCKEYSTICK IN THERE.

I SHOULD'VE USED MORE MAPLESYRUP, EH?

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

TO PROMOTE THEIR "MEET CHANNINGTATUM" SWEEPSTAKES, OMAZE.COM

HAD THE HUNKY HUNK MAN PRANK ATHEATER FULL OF HORNED-UP,

UNSUSPECTING MAGIC MIKEDOUBLE-XL VIEWERS BY DRESSING

HIM AS A... A FRUMPY, GRAY-PUBEDMARKETING EXECUTIVE.

THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.

I'D STILL FUCK HIM. UH...

(LAUGHTER)THE PRANK TOOK AN ESPECIALLY

SPICY TURN WHEN A BUNCH OFUNDISGUISED MALE STRIPPERS ROPED

HIM INTO THEIR DANCE.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

♪ (CROWD SHOUTS, SCREAMS)

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: NO, PLEASE.

>> GO, CHANNING.

>> HARDWICK: THE CROWD, OFCOURSE, SEEMED THRILLED TO FIND

OUT THAT IT WAS CHANNING TATUMIN THERE, BUT WHO KNOWS, WE

DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THOSE SCREAMSAND CHEERS DON'T REPRESENT

EVERYONE.

I'LL BET THERE WAS A COUPLE OFOLD LADIES IN THERE WHO WERE

VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT THIS BEEFWASN'T SEASONED.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

GIVE A TESTIMONIAL AS AN ELDERLYPATRON WHO'S DISAPPOINTED THE

DANCER GRINDING ON THEM WASN'TACTUALLY AN OLD GUY.

GARY GULMAN.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I WORE MYLEATHER DEPENDS FOR THIS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS. UH, ELI.

>> HE'S NOT MY TYPE, ANYWAY.

I LIKE MY BALLS WAY PAST THEKNEES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> FIRST BRUCE JENNER'S A GIRL,NOW THIS?

WHAT'S A BROAD GOT TO DO TO GET

SOME OLD DICK AROUND HERE?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

NIKKI, I WILL GIVE $500 TO YOURFAVORITE CHARITY IF YOU CHANGE

YOUR TWITTER PROFILE BYLINE TO"WHAT'S A BROAD GOT TO DO TO GET

SOME OLD DICK?">> DONE. DONE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT? PERFECT.

>> YES!

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR#HASHTAGWARS.

THE NBA FINALS TIPPED OFFTONIGHT, AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR A BALLER YOUTUBE CLIP TO GETYOU SUFFICIENTLY REEBOK

PUMPED UP, OH, MIGHT I SUGGEST ALITTLE "ROUNDBALL ROCK" AS

WAY-TOO-EARNESTLY PERFORMED BYJOHN TESH AND AN INVISIBLE

BASKETBALL?

>> OH, GOD.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: I... HE'S THE ONLYPERSON LESS BALLER THAN ME.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT AS NBCHOOPS' THEME FROM THE '90S,

WHICH MADE HIM A FUCKTON OFMONEY, AND TESH YOU MIGHT

REMEMBER AS COMING DIRECTLY FROMHIS SHIFT AT THE CHEESECAKE

FACTORY HERE IN THIS, UH...

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WHIPPEDCREAM WITH THAT? ♪

ANYWAY, ENOUGH FUCKING AROUND.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS #NBASONGS.

EX... #NBASONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "RAPTOR'SDELIGHT" OR "CHRIS PAUL ABOUT

THAT BASS, 'BOUT THAT BASS,'BOUT THAT BASS" OR "LOVE SHAQ",

WITH A "Q".

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW, AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)ELI ROTH.

>> STAIRWAY TO KEVIN GARNETT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> ♪ DWIGHT HOWARD I LIVEWITHOUT YOU? ♪

>> HARDWICK: YES, PERFECT,POINTS.

ELI.

>> ♪ SIMPLY ARTEST! >> HARDWICK: POINTS, VERY GOOD.

NIKKI.

>> 50 WAYS TO LEAVE CLEVELAND.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> SITTIN' LEBRON THE DOCK OFTHE BAY.

>> HARDWICK: SO GOOD, POINTS.

UH, GARY GULMAN.

>> PEACHES AND KAREEM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS, YES.

ELI.

>> ♪ ROCKETS MAN! >> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

GARY.

>> WOULD OLAJUWON TO YOU?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, VERY GOOD.

NIKKI.

>> I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THEAIR BUD TONIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

THAT IS THE END OF THE#HASHTAGWARS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY HOW THEFUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!

YOU KNOW...

BETWEEN JERKS PISSING OFF OCTOPIAND NEWS ANCHORS HAVING SEIZURES

ON CAMERA SOMETIMES, THEINTERNET IS A REAL WHO'S-WHO OF

THE FAIL COMMUNITY.

BUT TO REALLY SHINE IN THECOMPETITIVE WORLD OF WEB SHAME,

YOU CANNOT JUST AMUSE, YOU MUSTALSO CONFUSE.

SO COMEDIANS...

THAT WAS MY JOHNNIE COCHRANMOMENT.

UH...

ASK YOUR PARENTS.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A BAFFLINGPHOTO WE FOUND ONLINE AND FOR

250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO TELL MEHOW THE FUCK THIS HAPPENED.

FIRST ONE, LET'S START WITH THISDAMSEL IN DISGRACE.

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

NIKKI.

>> UH, SOMEONE TOLD HER SHE WASA BUTTERFACE AND SHE THOUGHT

IT'D BE EASY TO SLIDE IN ANDOUT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, ELI.

>> SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW A GLORYHOLE WORKS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, WHAT ABOUT THIS DENTALDREAM DATE?

YES, GARY.

>> CHRIS, THAT'S A... THAT'S AMANTICORE, AND, UH, YOU'RE GONNA

NEED A, UH, CLERIC AND A HEALINGSPELL TO GET RID OF THAT, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE YOURSAVING THROW, YES, POINTS.

>> LAWFUL EVIL.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

ELI.

>> I THINK TIM BURTON NEEDED AMUSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> CHRIS, UH, THIS IS KARMA.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUTELL GIRLS THEY USE TOO MUCH

TEETH.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> YOU GET THOSE TEETH.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, HOW THEFUCK DID THIS GUY GROW A

BIKESTACHE?

HOW IS THAT...

POSSIBLE?

ELI.

>> I THINK HE JUST MISUNDERSTOODTHE CONCEPT OF A MUSTACHE RIDE.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK...

POINTS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT EVENHAPPENS.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE I-I'M LOOKING ATTHE...

>> TRANSFORMERS 4 LOOKSTERRIBLE.

>> HARDWICK: IT REALLY DOES,YEAH, IT REALLY DOES.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS LOCKERCATERPILLAR-- HOW DOES THIS...

(BELL DINGS)HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN, GARY?

>> OH, THAT'S HOW THEY PUNISHYOU FOR GAINING WEIGHT AT

HOLLISTER.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO, OH, WOW,YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH.

ALL OF JAPAN JUST SIMULTANEOUSLYEJACULATED AT THIS PICTURE.

UH, ELI.

>> YEAH, I'D SAY, NOW, THESEGIRLS UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE A

GLORY HOLE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,GORE ON THE FLOOR.

>> LOVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T HAVE A TONOF T... I DON'T HAVE A TON OF

FREE TIME ON MY HANDS, WHATWITH THE HOSTING A TV SHOW AND

RECORDING PODCASTS AND NURSINGSICK FERRETS BACK TO HEALTH AND

HOSTING OTHER TV SHOWS, SO...

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S HARD FOR METO... OH, WELL.

>> YOU LOOK DRUGGED UP.

>> HARDWICK: NO, I JUST...

I'M-I'M DRUGGED WITH FERRETLOVE, LIKE, IT'S...

>> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: SO IT'S VERY HARDFOR ME TO FIND TWO HOURS TO

WATCH AN ENTIRE HORROR MOVIE.

WHO HAS TIME?

SO LUCKILY I CAN LOG ON TOYOUTUBE WHENEVER I GET A

HANKERING FOR SOME SWEET, SWEETCINEMA VIOLENCE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A STILL FROMA YOUTUBE HORROR KILL AND FOR

250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO TELL MEHOW THAT PERSON WILL DIE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE, THISLOVELY AUNTIE-- DOES SHE GET

CHOPPED IN HALF WITH AWEED-WHACKER OR HER HEAD

EXPLODED BY A BASKETBALL?

I... YES, ELI.

>> HEAD EXPLODED BY ABASKETBALL.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S ANNE RAMSEY.

YEAH, FILM LEGEND ANNE RAMSEY.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AAH!

>> WOW!

WOW.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHATHAPPENS.

>> I MEAN...

HERE'S THE THING: I'M KIND OF ARINGER IN THIS AREA, 'CAUSE I

MAKE HORROR MOVIES AND I GREW UPWITH THE CELTICS IN THE '80S,

WHICH SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULDHAVE PLAYED FOR, 'CAUSE THEY

WERE A VERY... VERY UGLY TEAM.

NOT A HANDSOME TEAM.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THISRADICAL '80S BRO.

DOES HE GET KILLED BY AWEAPONIZED FRISBEE OR A BEFANGED

LAND OCTOPUS?

NIKKI GLASER.

>> FRISBEE, 'CAUSE HE LOOKSREADY TO CATCH ONE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> YES!

>> OH, NO.

>> OH, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII-- ISHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS.

(NIKKI LAUGHS)>> OH, NO.

(NIKKI LAUGHS)>> OH, NO.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THISSMALL-TOWN SHERIFF-- DOES HE DIE

BY CHOKING ON GRAVY OR BEINGSTABBED WITH CORN ON THE COB?

ELI.

>> CORN ON THE COB.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, IT'S GOT TOBE.

>> SLOW DOWN, HORACE...

>> THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!

AAH!

>> NO VEGETABLES... NO DESSERT.

>> BECAUSE...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THEY SHOULD HAVE STABBED THEDIRECTOR, BECAUSE THEY COULD

HAVE MADE THE "CORNIEST" JOKE INHORROR MOVIE HISTORY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, PERFECT!

WELL DONE.

>> MIGHT BE TAKING HER JOB INVANCOUVER NEXT WEEK AT THE

COMEDY STORE-- SORRY, A LITTLEWITTICISM.

>> HARDWICK: DO THE CORNMATERIAL!

NEXT ONE, THIS DOOMED DAD-- DOESHE GET IMPALED ON AN UMBRELLA OR

DECAPITATED BY A SCOOTER?

NIKKI.

>> SCOOTER.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2.

>> HARDWICK: OH...

>> OH!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: SILENT NIGHT,DEADLY NIGHT 2.

NO, NOT THE UMBRELLA.

>> LOOKS LIKE HE JUST CAME.

>> HARDWICK: WOULDN'T YOU IFSOMEONE SHOVED AN UMBRELLA

THROUGH YOU?

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> IF YOU WERE CA... BY THE WAY,IF YOU WERE CANADIAN, YOU MIGHT.

>> HARDWICK (CANADIAN ACCENT):OH, THANKS FOR BRINGING AN

UMBRELLA.

>> EH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S GONNA GETMIGHTY WET UP HERE IN A MINUTE.

>> YEAH.

FORECAST IS RAIN, EH.

>> HARDWICK: OH, HEALTH CARE,METRIC SYSTEM, YEAH, EH?

UH, LAST ONE...

THIS SKATER AND HIS BLOW-UPDOLL-- DO THEY GET THROWN UNDER

A STEAMROLLER OR GET BLOWN UP BYA ROCKET LAUNCHER?

GARY.

>> THIS IS A STEAMROLLER, THISIS CLASSIC STEAMROLLER.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S SEE.

>> HARD TICKET TO HAWAII.

>> AAH!

>> OH, NO.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)>> HARDWICK: NO!

WHY DID THEY GO TO ALL THATTROUBLE WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST

THROWN A BASKETBALL AT HIM?

>> I KNOW.

ANDY SIDARIS IS ONE OF MYFAVORITE DIRECTORS.

HE ALSO DIRECTED A GREAT FILMCALLED MALIBU EXPRESS.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WOW, THAT'SFANTASTIC!

>> YEAH, HARD TICKET TO HAWAII.

>> HARDWICK: HARD TICKET TOHAWAII, YEAH, WE SHOWED A COUPLE

CLIPS FROM THAT.

>> IT'S JUST YOU AND I IN OUROWN SHOW RIGHT NOW.

>> HARDWICK: IT DOESN'T MATTER.

>> NOBODY CARES... NOBODY CARESABOUT ANDY SIDARIS.

>> HARDWICK: ELI, I WANT TO TELLYOU SOMETHING:

FUCK THESE PEOPLE.

>> FUCK THESE PEOPLE.

>> HARDWICK: I'M SORRY, THIS ISA PRIVATE CONVERSATION.

>> CINEMAX MOVIES FROM 1982 ALLNIGHT, JUST FOR US.

>> HARDWICK: THEY CAN SUCK IT!

YOU DON'T REMEMBER HAVING TOJERK OFF TO SCRAMBLED PORN.

>> YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT ITWAS LIKE-- EMMANUELLE ON TABOO

ISLAND, YOU GOT TO...

>> HARDWICK: EMMANUELLE ON TABOOISLAND!

>> YOU GOT TO GO THROUGH 45MINUTES BEFORE YOU GET

KOO STARK'S BREASTS.

EMMANUELLE IN BANGKOK-- THEY

DON'T EVEN SHOW THE BALLS GOINGUP, YOU GOT TO IMAGINE IT AND

HEAR THE SOUNDS.

BLACK EMMANUELLE-- IT'S LAURAGEMSER.

SHE'S NOT EVEN BLACK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YOU HAD TO...

IF YOU MISSED IT ON TELEVISION,YOU JUST HAD TO WAIT FOR IT TO

COME ON AGAIN.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SIT THERE,WAITING TO FINISH FOR WHAT COULD

BE A MONTH BEFORE THE MOVIE CAMEON AGAIN.

IT WAS A DARK TIME.

>> DARK TIME FOR THE EMPIRE...

>> HARDWICK: EH, YOU KIDS CANJERK OFF WITH YOUR TELEPHONES

NOW.

AS WE GO TOOUR NEXT GAME, ZOO CREWS.

ZOO CREWS.

THIS WEEK IN 1896, AN ITALIANINVENTOR NAMED GUGLIELMO MARCONI

FILED A PATENT FOR THE RADIO, ORAS GUGLIELMO PROBABLY WOULD HAVE

SAID IT...

(ITALIAN ACCENT): "IT'S A-CALLEDTHE RADIO."

"IT'S-A ME, MARIO."

"IT'S-A ME, GUGLIELMO."

"HEY, LUIGI, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOUAND ME A-SAVE THE PRINCESS FROM

THE KOOPA, HUH?"ALL RIGHT, UH... MY MOM'S

ITALIAN, SO IT'S NOT RACISTTHAT, UH... I'M MAKING FUN OF

THOSE GODDAMN, GREASY... NO, I'MJUST KIDDING.

MY MOM'S ITALIAN. SHE REALLY IS.

ALL RIGHT, UH... AND SHE'SGREASY... NO.

UM...

BUT IN A HOT WAY.

NO, I'M KIDDING.

AGAIN, I'M JUST...

THIS IS GOING IN A WEIRDDIRECTION.

ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE CAN ALLAGREE THAT IN THE 100-PLUS YEARS

THAT FOLLOWED, THE HANDS-DOWNGREATEST THING THAT RADIO HAS

GIVEN US IS... MORNING ZOO RADIODEEJAYS.

SO IN HONOR OF ALL THESEGLORIOUS SHOCK JOCK TEAMS-- YOUR

BARRY AND THE BREETARD OR, HEY,MARCONI AND THE MUNCH-- I WANT

YOU TO BUZZ IN WITH AS MANYWACKY MORNING ZOO RADIO NAMES AS

YOU CAN IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)UH, GARY.

>> THE CAPTAIN AND SCHLEMIEL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ELI.

>> CHOCOLATE THUNDER AND THEKLAN MAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI GLASER.

>> WHITE MIKE AND THE BITCH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ELI.

HORNDOG PETE AND THE ROOFIE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NIKKI.

>> ETHNIC RICO AND AN OLDBULLHORN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ELI.

>> UNCLE CREEPY AND TOUCHYTAMMY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)"ONE OF US IS GONNA TOUCH YOU."

NIKKI.

>> ROTTEN BALL BILLS AND AN OLDA-ANTIQUE LAMP.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY...

(BUZZER SOUNDS)>> NO. NO POINTS.

>> HARDWICK: NO POINTS.

UH, PERFECT.