Thursday, November 7, 2013

  • 11/07/2013

Baron Vaughn, Julie Klausner and Paul F. Tompkins pore over Ryan Gosling and Ryan Seacrest fan fiction, tweet from the moon landing and invent BuzzFeed lists.

WARS.

(cheers and applause)

THIRSTY THURSDAY WAS TRENDING ON

TWITTER TODAY, AND IN HONOR OF

ALL YOU DRINKERS-- I AM NOT ONE

OF THEM.

I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK

TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

SO I JUST WORK SO I'M NOT LEFT

ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS.

(laughter)

AND ALSO IN CELEBRATION OF PAUL

F. TOMPKINS' FANTASTIC SHOW

"SPEAKEASY" TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS CELEBRITY BOOZE, CELEBRITY

BOOZE.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE ST. PAUL

GIAMATTI GIRL, OR MIKE TYSON'S

HARD LEMONADE, OR YAKOV SMIRNOFF

ICE.

(laughter)

IN RUSSIA, ALCOHOL DRINK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

YOU GUYS CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

BY TWEETING YOUR HASHTAG

CELEBRITY BOOZE TO THE @MIDNIGHT

TWITTER ACCOUNT.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK STARTING NOW, AND GO.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> SAZERAC GALIFIANAKIS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, WELL

DONE.

JULIE.

>> JAGER MAYA ANGELOU.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> CLARK GREG NOG.

>> Chris: POINTS!

I LOVE SHIELD, YES, BARON.

>> YOKO DISARONNO.

(laughter)

Chris: YOKO DISARONNO YOU

DIDN'T, POINTS.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> MARTINI LISTER JUNIOR.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, BARON.

>> TYLER PERRY'S HOUSE OF

CHAMPAGNE.

>> Chris: IT IS, IT IS.

HE'S A VERY WEALTHY MAN, POINTS.

YES, JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> ZIMAYA ANGELOU.

(laughter)

IT'S LIKE ZIMA...

>> Chris: YES, PAUL, PAUL.

>> GARY OLD FASHIONED MAN.

(laughter)

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, BARON.

>> LONG ISLAND ICED TILA

TEQUILA.

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

WE ALSO WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED

LONG ISLAND ICE T.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE, MAN!

TIME TO PLAY "TWEETS THROUGH

TIME."

(cheers and applause)

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

WE DON'T KNOW A LOT, BUT WE KNOW

THAT CIVILIZATION HAS BEEN HERE

FOR, LIKE, HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

UNFORTUNATELY, TWITTER WASN'T

AROUND FOR MOST OF IT SO I'M

GOING TO NAME AN HISTORICAL

EVENT AND I WANT TO YOU TELL ME

WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE TWEETED

ABOUT IT AND IF THE TWEET IS

FUNNY YOU GET 250 POINTS, LET

US BEGIN.

YOU'RE BUZZ ALDRIN AS NEIL

ARMSTRONG IS WALKING ON THE

MOON.

YES, JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> LOL, MY NAME IS BUZZ!

(laughter)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON THE BOAT

WHEN COLUMBUS FOUND AMERICA.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE

INDIA.

# "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SOMEDAY

THERE COULD BE SOMEONE NAMED

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH"?

(laughter)

>> Chris: WOW, HE'S TELLING THE

FUTURE AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU JUST SAW JESUS WALK ON

WATER.

YES, BARON.

>> THIS AIN'T NOTHING BUT SOME

PROMO STUMP FOR BIRKENSTOCKS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YOU'RE ONE OF THE SIGNERS OF

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

YES, BARON?

>> JUST SIGNED THE DECK

OF IND, TOTES AWKWARD SINCE I'M

NOT FREE.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

>> Chris: NICE!

POINTS!

>> #HISTORY.

>> Chris: YES!

POINTS, ALSO, I'M REALLY

SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.

(laughter)

>> WAIT A MINUTE!

THIS IS THE APOLOGY WE'VE ALL

BEEN WAITING FOR.

>> IT'S NOT GOING WELL.

>> Chris: WILL YOU PLEASE TELL

EVERYONE I'M SORRY?

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME

WHICH I THINK IS GOING TO BE ONE

OF OUR NEW BIGGEST GAMES ON THE

SHOW.

"RYAN GOSLING OR RYAN SEACREST

FAN FICTION."

(cheers and applause)

I'M GOING TO READ YOU EXCERPTS

FROM FAN FICTION THAT I FOUND ON

THE INTERNET AND FOR 250 POINTS

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHICH OF

THE RYANS IT IS.

SO YOU'LL ANSWER GOSLING OR

SEACREST.

HERE WE GO, HERE'S THE FIRST

ONE.

RYAN SAID, STILL CRYING, "YEAH,

I KNOW THAT NOW.

WE SHOULD OF...

(laughter)

BUT I'M SORRY, TOO.

I FEEL SO BAD HOW THE WAY I

TREATED HIM.

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN TREAT AN

ANIMAL HOW I TREATED HIM."

YES, JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> SEACREST.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS SEACREST,

RYAN SEACREST.

>> WAS THIS THE CHAPTER ABOUT

WILLIAM HUNG?

(laughter)

>> Chris: IT SHOULD "OF" BEEN.

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

"SO I WAS JUST A ONE

NIGHTSTAND FOR YOU?"

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> A ONE NIGHTSTAND.

>> Chris: I WAS JUST A

NIGHTSTAND.

NEXT TO YOUR BED.

>> JUST ONE NIGHTSTAND.

>> Chris: I'M JUST ONE, THERE'S

ONLY ONE OF ME.

>> THIS HAS GOT TO BE A GOSLING.

>> THIS IS IN FACT A GOSLING,

YES, POINTS, POINTS.

(cheers and applause)

>> SO I WASN'T JUST A ONE

NIGHTSTAND FOR YOU.

>> Chris: SURE CAN'T WAIT TO GET

HOME TO MY LIVING NIGHTSTAND.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

"THEY LEFT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD

CHILD WITH YOU, RYAN.

SARAH STATED ALOUD."

WHICH IS HOW YOU STATE THINGS.

>> YEAH, IT'S HELPFUL.

>> Chris: "WHAT?

RYAN BURST OUT.

IT STATES HERE IN THE WILL THEY

LEFT THIS CHILD TO YOU.

SARAH STATED.

OH...MY...GOD."

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> IT ENRAGES ME TO SAY THAT I

THINK THAT IS RYAN SEACREST.

>> THAT IS A SEACREST.

THAT IS A SEACREST.

HE GOTS THE DOLLARS.

>> THIS IS SO MUCH MORE ABOUT

THEIR FANS THAN IT IS ABOUT

THEM.

>> Chris: HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

"GREAT, SHE SMILED AND TURNED

BACK FOR THE RESTROOMS."

THAT'S WHO THE (BLEEP) KNOWS.

YEAH, PAUL.

>> I'M PLEASED TO SAY THAT I

THINK THAT THAT IS RYAN GOSLING

FAN FICTION.

>> THAT IS A GOSLING!

THAT IS A GOSLING!

(cheers and applause)

THERE HE IS WATCHING HER WALK TO

THE RESTROOM OFF IN THE

DISTANCE.

>> IN HIS PAJAMAS OUTSIDE?

>> YEAH, HE GOT OUT OF BED TO

MAKE SURE SHE GOT TO THE

BATHROOM SAFELY.

NEXT ONE.

"YOU'RE SHAUNI RIGHT?

THE ONE WHO I ONCE SENT A REPLY

TO ON MYSPACE?"

VERY TIMELY, VERY TIMELY.

"THE MAJORLY DEVOTED FAN"?

JULIE.

>> THAT'S RYAN SEACREST.

>> THAT WOULD BE ACTUALLY

RYAN...

GOSLING.

NO, THAT'S RYAN GOSLING.

>> NO!

>> GOSLING IS STILL A MYSPACE

GUY, I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S RIGHT THERE, HE'S THINKING

ABOUT MYSPACE, WHAT WENT WRONG.

WHO'S IN MY TOP EIGHT?

LIKE YOU CAN SEE ALL THE WHEELS

TURNING.

>> APPARENTLY THE BEST AUTHOR OF

ALL-TIME SHAUNI IS IN HIS TOP

EIGHT.

>> Chris: BARON, DO YOU HAVE A

THOUGHT ON THIS?

>> NO.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

>> Chris: NICE!

POINTS!

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU

THIS PICTURE WE FOUND ON REDDIT

TODAY OF THIS FAMILY.

COMEDIANS, HOW DID YOU CAPTION

THIS PHOTO?

JULIE KLAUSNER?

>> WE'RE WHITE, SO SEEING OUR

NEIGHBORHOOD ON FIRE ISN'T

TERRIBLE, IN FACT, IT'S SORT OF

A FUN NOVELTY.

(laughter)

>> Chris: BARON VAUGHN?

>> THIS IS AWESOME.

BILLY JOEL STARTED THIS FIRE.

(laughter)

(applause)

>> Chris: NO, NO, NO.

IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE

WORLD'S BEEN TURNING, YOU SHOULD

KNOW THAT.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> IF OUR SMILES SEEM JUST A

TINY BIT STRAINED IT'S BECAUSE

THIS WAS THE DAY THAT SETTING

HOUSES ON FIRE JUST TO WATCH

THEM BURN STARTED TO GET OLD.

WE DON'T SEE EACH OTHER MUCH ANY

MORE.

LAST I HEARD, ROB CHOKED ON A

BATTERY.

(laughter and applause)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

1,000 TO BARON, 500 TO PAUL, 250

TO JULIE KLAUSNER.

BY THE WAY, GUYS, THIS IS

BREAKING NEWS, WE FOUND OUT

WHO BURNED THIS HOUSE DOWN.

IT'S PIERRE, THE NEW ORLEANS

PELICANS' MASCOT.

THERE HE IS.

HI, EVERYBODY!

THERE HAS GOT TO BE A WAY.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE!

P.S., BASKETBALL AND NIGHTMARES.

"BUZZ-SPEED."

(cheers and applause)

I'LL TAKE IT.

>> INSTANT FAVORITE, INSTANT

FAVORITE.

>> Chris: BUZZ FEED LISTS ARE

COMPLETELY INANE.

FOR EXAMPLE, TODAY WE FOUND

THESE REAL LISTS THAT SOMEONE ON

BUZZ FEED TOOK TIME TO MAKE.

TEN HORRIFIED FACES STEVE HARVEY

MADE AS HONEY BOO BOO'S

FAMILY FARTED.

THAT WAS A REAL THING.

I KIND OF LIKE THAT ONE,

ACTUALLY.

AND 11 FEET THAT LOOK LIKE

ROBERT PATTINSON'S FACE.

11 FEET.

>> I LIKE THAT IT'S AN ODD

NUMBER OF FEET.

>> Chris: THAT POOR 12th FOOT.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU

TO COME UP WITH BUZZ FEED LISTS

THAT ARE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS

THAN THE ONES THAT ARE ACTUALLY

ON BUZZFEED.

FOR EACH FUNNY ONE YOU'RE GOING

TO GET 250 POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND GO.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> ONE PRESIDENTS WHO ARE ON THE

$5 BILL.

(laughter)

>> Chris: A VERY SHORT LIST,

POINTS.

YES, JULIE.

>> EVERY REASON FOR LESBIAN

BED DEATH RANKED FROM WORST TO

BEST.

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF I

QUITE FOLLOWED THAT.

SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTS

OUT OF MY UTTER CONFUSION.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> 16 AGONIES OUR LORD JESUS

CHRIST FACED ON THE CROSS.

(laughter)

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THE PURPLE JACKET.

YES, JULIE.

>> THREE DOGS.

(laughter)

>> Chris: JUST THREE DOGS.

ANY OLD THREE DOGS.

YES, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

SURE, PAUL.

>> 25 SPECIES OF ANIMALS THAT

ARE SKEPTICAL OF ROOMBAS.

(laughter)

>> 1-24, DOGS.

YES, BARON.

>> SEVEN TIMES TRIX ACTUALLY

WERE FOR RABBITS.

(laughter)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

JULIE.

>> 45 DISNEY PRINCESSES, ONLY

THEY'RE ALSO POTATOES SOMEHOW.

>> Chris: THE CROWD WASN'T WITH

YOU ON THAT ONE.

>> WOW!

>> Chris: NO POINTS.

PAUL?

>> 21 PROPOSALS THAT END IN

SUICIDE.

(laughter)

(applause)

>> SUSTAINED.

>> Chris: THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER

WOULD BE THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF

"TITANIC."

YES, BARON?

>> OKAY, TEN REASONS CHRIS

HARDWICK MIGHT BE THE BAD GUY

FROM A '90s CYBER THRILLER.

(cheers and applause)

>> Chris: HEY.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING

HANGING AROUND ON THE 'NET?

>> STOP HIM, SANDRA BULLOCK.

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