Joe DeRosa

  • 05/10/2013

Joe DeRosa laments the fact that sexy nurses are a myth and white wine tastes like salad dressing.

You guys are revved uplike you heard

they were makingBoondock Saints Part III.

Jesus Christ.

(crowd cheering)

(chuckles)

I love this town.

I really do.I'm not saying that to kiss ass.

I love Boston.

It's insane.I love it.

I love crazy cities.

I love it.I live in New York.

It's crazy.And I love--

Here's what I love about livingin a crazy city.

When you live in a crazy cityfor a long time,

you forgetthat the rest of the world

doesn't function likethat lunatic farm

you've been living on.

Yeah.

You forgetthere's humanity out there.

I was driving in Pennsylvaniaa few months ago,

and I had to pee,like, really bad,

and I pull over at thispizza place, and I run in.

I run up to the guy,I'm like, "I got to pee!

I got to pee, bad!"

The guy's like,"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

And I go,"What do I got to buy?!

"Quick, tell me!

What do I got to buy?!"

He's like,"Just go pee, you psycho.

What the hell's wrong with you?"

I was like, oh, yeah,I'm not in New York anymore.

Everything isn'ta cutthroat money barter

everywhere else.

It's hard to find humanitywhen you live

in a big city, you know?It's too ambitious.

Everybody's like,"Get the (bleep) out of my way!

"What do you have?!

"I want it!

"Give it to me!

I will bite off your dickand take it!"

Then you go to Pennsylvania,they're like,

"Just go pee.What's the big deal?"

I was just staring at this guyin disbelief.

I was like, oh, my God,he's so sweet.

He's so innocent.

(quietly): I could takethis pizza place from him.

I'm gonna bite his dick off.

I'm actually trying todrink healthier now

'cause I'm tryingto get into shape.

God forbid I just grow upand give up drinking.

God forbid that happens.I'm trying to drink healthy--

So I drink red wine now.

Well, yeah, it's healthy.

You know.

I like it.

I like red wine; it tastes good.

White wine can suck my (bleep).

Seriously.

It's disgusting.

It's disgusting!

"It tastes good!"

Does it?

Does it taste good?

"Excuse me, bartender,you wouldn't happen to have

"an alcohol back therewith a flavor reminiscent

"of a vinaigrette,by any chance, would you?

"'Cause I was gonna chugthis Newman's Own.

"I prefer a drinkthat didn't have cheese in it.

"Is that possible?

Oh, Riesling, I'll take that."

I'm trying to get into shape.

And, please,this is a cry for help.

Ladies, stop banging me.

Please.

I'm a lump of shit.And I know that.

I look in the mirror and I go,"Dude, you're a lump of shit.

You got to do somethingabout this."

And then you bang me,and I'm like,

"Eh, (bleep) it, I'm fine.Whatever."

I'm gonna die.

And I know I'm on the downslide,

'cause my mom hasn't told meI'm handsome in five years.

Yeah, I don't knowwhy that stopped.

She used to tell meall the time.

Yeah, if a girl didn't like me,

"You are handsome!

I don't care what anybody says!"

"Thank you, Mom.

"Why'd you say 'I don't carewhat anybody says'?

What are they saying?"

I want to get into shapebecause I don't want to end up

in the hospital, all right?

I don't want to end up--

My mom was sick this year.

Uh, and she's okay now.She's okay now.

But she was in the hospitalfor a little while,

and, uh, I learned a lot.

Uh, first thing I learned was

I don't like beingin the hospital-- at all.

I don't--Not even as a visitor.

I don't like being any placethat has eye-washing stations

readily available.

What the hell is gonna happento my eyes in this place?

You need one of these machinesevery three feet.

And I have a question.

I have a question.

I know it's a broad question.

I know it doesn't applyto everybody,

but it's a valid question;I'd like to ask it.

Where did the conceptof hot nurses come from?

Who made up that fairy-tale,horse-shit thing

that I can't seem to find atany hospital I've ever been to.

Never seen it.

Never seen it once.

Seen it in porno moviesfor years.

Some chick's gotthe white hat on.

(yelling)

Every Halloween, some girl'sgot the nurse skirt up to here.

Clam flapping in the wind.

All night.

(making vibrating noises)

Sounds like a doorstopper.

I was like,I can't wait to get sick!

One of these hot whoreswill suck my (bleep)

as I die.

Try to find a sexy nursein the hospital, man.

These bitches are rough.

They're rough and tumble.

These girls werecoming into my mom's room.

"Anything I can dofor your mom, Mr. DeRosa?

Anything I cando for your mom?!"

"Stay away from her purse.

"You got a spider tattooon your neck.

I don't trust you."

For anybody that didn't laughat that joke,

I'm making fun of a PuertoRican, not a black person.

So you missed out.

And if anybody thinksI'm racist, I'm not.

Because I'm Italian-American,and I hate my own people

worse than any other raceof people on the planet.

Oh, I can't stand them.

Italian people, beautiful.

Italian-Americans, disgusting.

The-- I don't have timeto really get into--

This is how much I hate them.

I wish they would enslave us

just so I could bethe house Italian

that rats out the field Italiansto the master.

(crowd cheering)

Disgusting.

I don't want to sound--

I don't want to sound hopeless.

I know I'm negative.

(laughs)

I want to-- I need more hope.

You know, I knowI said hope's dead,

but I need more hope.

I really do, 'cause I just--I don't know, man.

I never want to be the guythat's like,

"Just deal with it!

This is just how it's gonna be."

My friend Brian's like that.

You know, like,we're out at a bar one night,

and everybody's textingon their phones.

And somebody goes,

"Dude, we should be talkingto each other."

And Brian goes,"The phones are here to stay!

It's just howit's gonna be from now on."

Oh, what a shitty attitude.

Then I started laughing at him,'cause I starting picturing him

at, like, different momentsin history

where we needed changeand inspiration.

Like... (whooshing)

2008 financial crisis.

"The pyramid schemes are as goodas it's gonna get, people.

Kiss your money good-bye!"

(whooshing)

1950s in the South.

"Can't you just sitin the back of the bus

and stop complaining?!"

(whooshing)

1940s Germany.

"The swastikas aren'tgoing anywhere, folks.

Get usedto the little mustache!"

(whooshing)

Discovery of America.

"Just takethe goddamn blankets!

What the (bleep)is smallpox anyhow?"

I don't want to be that guy.

So, I-- listen,I really appreciate

you guys comingout here tonight.

(crowd cheering)

Touched, man.

I'm really touched to see peoplehere supporting comedy.

All right? And my mom's here.

I want to,I want to say hi to her.

She's healthy.

(crowd cheering)

I love you.

I know.

MOM:And you're handsome.

What?And you're handsome.

Oh, thank you.(laughter)

(crowd cheering)

Here's... here's the funny part.

She goes, "I love you,"and I go, "I know."

And... it's the only timeI got to be Han Solo in my life

was with my mom.

Ugh.

(laughs)

All right.

My dad's here, too.

I don't mean to leave him out,but you know.

(crowd cheering)

So... she was, uh, she was--

I'm glad, I'm gladyou're on your feet.

I'm glad she's better.

She was down for a few months,and, uh, I went home

to live with my parents, uh,for a few months,

uh, to help themkind of get through stuff.

And, you know, it's--

When you go hometo be with family like that,

all you do is have timeto reflect, you know,

and everything gets deeper andmore emotional to you, you know?

So that's why I'm touchedthe-- at the fact

that peopleare supporting comedy.

It means a lot to me.

Because comedians--we think comedy is art.

Nobody else really does,you know?

But we think it's art.

Most people don't evenrespect comedy.

They don't even research itbefore they go see it.

They just watch one comedy thingone time,

and they go, "That's comedy.That's what it is.

"I saw 2 Broke Girls one time.

"Now I'm offto the Comedy Central taping,

"and it better be just like

old fat titsthat I saw on that sitcom."

And people will get madif you're not what they expect.

And it's not your fault,you know?

'Cause, like--and you wouldn't do that

with any other artistic thing.

You wouldn't do thatwith music, you know?

You wouldn't go,"I know what music is.

"I heard Slayer one time.

"That's what it is.

"Now... now I'm offto the Gordon Lightfoot concert.

Better be just like Slayer!"

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